Original subtitles

[ Humming ]

PIZZA DELIVERY.

WOW. SO THIS IS A REAL TV STATION, HUH?

WELL, IT'S A FOX AFFILIATE.

WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING RIGHT NOW?

SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER.

IT'S THE SEASON FINALE.

YOU WANT TO WATCH?

AH, I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S A CHICK SHOW.

I PREFER PROGRAMS OF THE GENRE WORLD'S BLANKIEST BLANK.

SHE IS WEARING THE WORLD'S SHORTIEST SKIRT.

I'M IN.

Counselor, I remind you

that it's unethical to sleep with your client.

If you really care about the outcome

of the case, you should sleep with me.

YOUR HONOR, IT'S BAD ENOUGH

TO PROPOSITION A SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER IN COURT

BUT THIS IS A UNISEX BATHROOM.

OVERRULED, COUNSELOR.

[ Moaning ]

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT LAST PART?

[ Yawning ]

[ Electronic Crackling ]

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOCKED FOX OFF THE AIR.

PFFT. LIKE ANYONE ON EARTH CARES.

Could you repeat that last part?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED

TO THE PLUCKY LAWYER

AND HER COMPELLINGLY SHORT GARMENT.

Due to technical difficulties, we now bring you

eight animated shows in a row.

[ Growls ]

WHAT IN THE NAME OF BOB MARLEY'S GHOST?

GET TO WORK, YOU LAZY BOLTBAG.

[ Laughing ] OOH.

HEY, QUIT IT, HERMES. IT'S LABOR DAY.

LABOR DAY? THAT PHONY-BALONEY HOLIDAY

CRAMMED DOWN OUR THROATS BY FAT-CAT UNION GANGSTERS?

- THAT'S THE ONE. - HOT DAMN. A DAY OFF.

WHO'S UP FOR ONE LAST SUMMER BEACH TRIP?

OH, YEAH.

READY, FREDDY.

EH. I THINK I'LL JUST STAY HERE.

FRY, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE SITTING IN FRONT OF THAT TV.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT AND SEE THE REAL WORLD.

BUT THIS IS HDTV.

IT'S GOT BETTER RESOLUTION THAN THE REAL WORLD.

EVERYONE'S TOO POLITE TO SAY ANYTHING

BUT YOU'RE COVERED WITH BEDSORES.

- NOT COVERED. - JUST GET IN THE CAR.

AH, HERE WE ARE.

MONUMENT BEACH.

WAIT. MOUNT RUSHMORE

AND THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA?

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE BOTH IN NEW YORK.

THEY ARE NOW.

IN THE 2600s, NEW YORKERS ELECTED

A SUPER-VILLAIN GOVERNOR

AND HE STOLE MOST OF THE WORLD'S MONUMENTS.

TRULY A GREAT MAN.

LOOK AT HIM UP THERE.

[ Whistles ]

[ Humming ]

AHH!

[ Beeping ]

[ Loud Beeping ]

AHA!

FOUND YOU.

OKAY, NOW YOU GO HIDE.

[ Chuckles ]

NICE KNOWING YOU.

AHH!

[ Groans ]

COME ON, ZOIDBERG.

I PASSED IT RIGHT TO YOU.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS GAME.

I'M GOING FOR A SCUTTLE.

OKAY, EVERYONE, COME AND GET IT!

AH! JUST LIKE MY DAD USED TO MAKE

UNTIL McDONALD'S FIRED HIM.

BITE MY RED-HOT GLOWING ASS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

RED-HOT GLOWING ASS!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OW! OW! OW!

OW! OW! OW! OW!

OW! OW! OW! OW!

OH, YEAH!

MMM.

[ Whimpers ]

NO! NIBBLER.

PSST.

PROFESSOR, I NEED ANOTHER BIKINI.

HUH? WHA--

OH, OKAY.

I THINK THERE'S ONE CAN LEFT.

OH, MY.

THERE. HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE A CHEAP FRENCH HARLOT.

FRENCH?

SAY, DOLLFACE, HOW'D YOU LIKE

TO MAKE TIME WITH A REAL MAN?

NO. I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO BULLIES

NO MATTER HOW BIG AND, UH, HANDSOME THEY ARE.

IT'S OKAY, LEELA, GO AHEAD.

I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO HERE.

SIR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL BEACH BULLY.

I PRETEND TO STEAL YOUR GIRL.

YOU PUNCH ME, I GO DOWN

SHE SWOONS... YOU SLIP ME 50 BUCKS.

50 BUCKS?

NOT EVEN IF SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

YOU TAKE HER.

FRY! ALTHOUGH...

I SUPPOSE WE COULD GO FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH.

UH, NO THANKS, MA'AM.

I'M ACTUALLY GAY.

[ Sighs ]

[ Slurping ]

[ Metallic Rattling ] UH-OH.

HELP. HELP!

[ Whistling ]

BENDER, YOU GOT TO SPRING ME.

I'LL NEVER SURVIVE IN HERE.

I'M TOO PRETTY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'LL BUST YOU OUT.

[ Siren Wailing ]

CHEESE IT!

VOILÀ.

THE GREATEST SAND CASTLE EVER BUILT.

THIS IS THE KIND OF CASTLE KING ARTHUR WOULD HAVE LIVED IN

IF HE WERE A FIDDLER CRAB.

IT'S VERY NICE.

WE SHOULD GET A PICTURE

BEFORE THE TIDE COMES IN.

OH, YEAH. ANYONE HAVE A CAMERA?

RIGHT HERE, BUDDY.

WAIT. I WANT TO BE IN THE PICTURE, TOO.

[ Timer Beeping ]

PRETEND YOU'RE HAPPY.

[ Gasping ]

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IN BABYLON?

NO!

[ Loud Whirring ]

FASTER!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AREN'T WE?

OH, I SHOULD THINK SO.

ALTHOUGH, LAST TIME ALIENS INVADED

ALL THEY DID WAS FORCE THE MOST INTELLIGENT OF US

TO PAIR OFF AND MATE CONTINUOUSLY.

OH, YES.

Once again, today's winning lotto number was four.

In other news, alien saucers continued

to rain destruction upon Earth.

We now go live to an emergency address

by Earth President McNeal.

Ladies and gentlemen

our course is clear.

The time has come to knuckle under.

To get down on all fours and really lick boot.

Give our alien masters whatever they want and--

People of Earth

I am Lure, of the planet Omicron Persei Eight.

Is this thing on?

[ Blows On Microphone ]

Now, then.

We want the one you call McNeal.

Give us McNeal, or we will lay waste to your cities

with our anti-monument laser.

We demand McNeal!

Uh... as I was saying...

mankind would sooner perish than kowtow

to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal--

whoever he is.

Am I right?

[ Mumbling ]

And now, the man who will lead us

in our proud struggle for freedom

fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists

of the Gandhi Nebula

25-Star General Zapp Brannigan.

[ Sighing ]

HEY, LOOK, LEELA.

IT'S THAT IDIOTIC WINDBAG YOU SLEPT WITH.

THE EARTH IS UNDER ATTACK.

CAN'T WE JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT?

EVIDENTLY NOT.

Call me cocky

but if there's an alien out there I can't kill

I haven't met him and killed him yet.

But I can't go it alone.

That's why I'm ordering every available ship

to report for duty.

Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon

and fire wildly into the air.

WELL, YOU HEARD THE WINDBAG.

WE'VE BEEN DRAFTED.

EVERYONE INTO THE SHIP.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

HOLD ON!

I REFUSE TO FIGHT.

I'M A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.

- A WHAT? - YOU KNOW-- A COWARD.

Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have

their patriotism circuits activated.

[ Fast Beeping ]

IT IS EVERY ROBOT'S DUTY TO GIVE HIS LIFE

FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY.

OH, CRAP!

YOU'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT CULTURES HERE.

SOME OF YOU ARE WHITE.

SOME OF YOU ARE BLACK.

YOU'RE BROWN.

AND YOU'RE SILVER.

BUT I DON'T CARE IF YOUR SKIN'S

RED OR TAN OR CHINESE.

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO DIE TOGETHER.

AM I RIGHT, SOLDIER?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I--

SIR! YES, SIR! SIR!

REMEMBER, OUR MISSION IS SIMPLE--

DESTROY ALL ALIENS.

ER, UM...

NOT ME, SIR.

OH, YES... RIGHT.

NOBODY DESTROY KIF.

UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

OH, HO-HO.

THE LUSCIOUS CAPTAIN LEELA.

THIS IS TURNING INTO

ONE VERY SEXY STRUGGLE FOR THE FUTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE.

THANKS, BUT I'M NOT TECHNICALLY HUMAN.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

NOBODY DESTROY LEELA, EITHER.

THE KEY TO VICTORY IS DISCIPLINE

AND THAT MEANS A WELL-MADE BED.

YOU WILL PRACTICE UNTIL YOU CAN MAKE YOUR BED IN YOUR SLEEP.

YOU MEAN, WHILE I'M SLEEPING IN IT?

YOU WON'T HAVE TIME FOR SLEEPING, SOLDIER.

NOT WITH ALL THE BED-MAKING YOU'LL BE DOING.

THE ALIEN MOTHER SHIP IS IN ORBIT HERE.

IF WE CAN HIT THAT BULL'S-EYE

THE REST OF THE DOMINOES WILL FALL LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS.

CHECKMATE.

[ Groans ]

NOW, LIKE ALL GREAT PLANS

MY STRATEGY IS SO SIMPLE, AN IDIOT COULD HAVE DEVISED IT.

ON MY COMMAND, ALL SHIPS WILL LINE UP

AND FILE DIRECTLY INTO THE ALIEN DEATH CANNONS

CLOGGING THEM WITH WRECKAGE.

WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE

TO SEND THE ROBOTS IN FIRST--

[ Gagging ]

SIR!

I VOLUNTEER FOR A SUICIDE MISSION!

AW... CUT IT OUT!

YOU'RE A BRAVE ROBOT, SON, BUT WHEN I'M IN COMMAND

EVERY MISSION'S A SUICIDE MISSION.

WHICH REMINDS ME...

LEELA, PERHAPS BEFORE WE HEAD INTO BATTLE

YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO ME

IN CASE ONE OF US DOESN'T COME BACK.

MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT TILL AFTERWARDS...

IN CASE NEITHER OF US COMES BACK.

HERE'S HOPING.

[ Kissing Sound ]

I'LL BE A SCIENCE FICTION HERO

JUST LIKE UHURA OR CAPTAIN JANEWAY OR XENA.

Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life.

Can't you tell the difference?

SURE. I JUST LIKE TV BETTER.

[ Imitates Laser Firing ]

[ Alarm Sounding ]

BENDER-- DAMAGE REPORT.

THE AUXILIARY POWER'S OUT.

AND THEY SPILLED MY COCKTAIL.

ALL RIGHT, SCUMWADS,

THIS ONE'S FOR BENDER'S COCKTAIL.

[ Laughing ]

WE DID IT! WE WON!

YEAH, BUT IT'LL NEVER BRING BACK MY MARTINI.

WELL, WHO WANTS A MARTINI?

[ Ice Cubes Rattling ]

[ Glasses Clinking ]

Good work, everyone.

The mother ship is destroyed.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?

IT APPEARS TO BE THE MOTHER SHIP.

THEN WHAT DID WE JUST BLOW UP?

THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE.

STOP EXPLODING, YOU COWARDS!

THIS IS HOPELESS.

IF WE'RE GOING TO GET BLOWN TO BITS

WE MAY AS WELL DO IT IN THE COMFORT OF OUR OWN HOME.

[ Engines Screeching ]

[ Reverse Warning Beeps ]

YOU'LL BE THE CAPTAIN

YOU'LL BE THE DELIVERY BOY

AND YOU'LL BE THE ALCOHOLIC

FOUL-MOUTHED--

OH, GOD, YOU'RE ALIVE!

I MEAN, THANK GOD, YOU'RE ALIVE.

SORRY. CHECK BACK IN THREE DAYS.

A WEEK AT THE MOST.

[ Static On TV ]

We want McNeal!

Stop stalling!

And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.

The people of Earth remain united

in my refusal to hand over myself.

Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with--

[ Muffled Yells ]

[ Applause ]

HERE HE IS!

COME AND GET HIM!

[ Grunting ]

YOU ARE NOT McNEAL!

HUH? HUH?

YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WE WANT.

OH, THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, GLORIOUS MASTERS!

I--

[ Yelps ]

GIVE US McNEAL!

THAT WAS McNEAL.

NO, McNEAL THE SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER.

SHE WEARS MINISKIRTS AND IS PROMISCUOUS.

REALLY.

MINISKIRTS?

THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

SURELY YOU KNOW McNEAL.

SHE IS AN UNMARRIED HUMAN FEMALE

STRUGGLING TO SUCCEED IN A HUMAN MALE'S WORLD.

MAYBE THAT'S JUST HER EXCUSE FOR BEING INCOMPETENT.

SILENCE!

WE WILL ACCEPT NO MORE DECOYS.

THIS IS THE McNEAL.

WAIT. I KNOW HER.

YOU DO NOT, YOU BIG, FAT LIAR.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE. ALL YOU DO IS WATCH TV.

THAT'S WHERE I KNOW HER FROM.

SHE'S JENNIE McNEAL.

SHE WAS A CHARACTER ON A TV SHOW

BACK IN THE 20th CENTURY--

SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER.

WELL, IF THEY'RE HOPING TO SEE A TV SHOW

THAT HASN'T EXISTED FOR 1,000 YEARS--

[ Raspberry ] THEY ARE ROYALLY BONED.

We will raise your planet's temperature

by one million degrees a day for five days

unless we see McNeal at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow.

8:00 Central.

[ All Gasping ]

OH. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

THERE'LL BE NO FORCED MATING AT ALL.

THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY THE ENTIRE EARTH

IF THEY DON'T SEE SOME STUPID TV SHOW

ABOUT SOME BIMBO LAWYER?

IT'S CRAZY. HOW COULD THEY EVEN KNOW ABOUT A SHOW

FROM 1,000 YEARS AGO?

WELL, OMICRON PERSEI EIGHT

IS ABOUT 1,000 LIGHT-YEARS AWAY

SO THE ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES

WOULD JUST RECENTLY HAVE GOTTEN THERE.

YOU SEE--

MAGIC. GOT IT.

[ Typing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Amy ] CHECK THIS OUT.

BACK IN 1999, THE SEASON FINALE

OF SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER

WAS INTERRUPTED BY TECHNICAL PROBLEMS.

APPARENTLY SOME ZIDIOT SPILLED COKE ON A TRANSMITTER.

BEER. I WOULD THINK.

THEY MUST JUST WANT TO SEE THAT EPISODE.

LET'S FIND A TAPE AND GIVE IT TO THEM.

THERE AREN'T ANY COPIES LEFT.

NO, THERE WOULDN'T BE.

MOST VIDEOTAPES FROM THAT ERA WERE DAMAGED IN 2443

DURING THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS.

YOU KNOW, I SAW THE FIRST 30 SECONDS OF THAT EPISODE.

IF I COULD MAKE UP AN ENDING

MAYBE WE COULD ACT IT OUT OURSELVES.

I COULD MAKE THE COSTUMES.

I HAVE AN OLD FIVE MEGAWATT BROADCASTING TOWER IN THE ATTIC.

AND I-- I COULD BE AN ACTING COACH!

LET'S PUT ON A SHOW!

[ Sawing And Hammering ]

OKAY, LEELA, YOU'LL BE STARRING AS JENNIE, WHO--

UH-UH. FORGET IT.

A: I'M CAMERA SHY, AND B: I GET TONGUE-TIED

IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE ARMED WITH DEATH RAYS.

PLUS, YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE THE THIGHS FOR A MINISKIRT.

GIVE ME THE SCRIPT.

[ Humming ]

PLACES, EVERYONE!

OKAY.

ALL SET.

LIGHTS.

CAMERA ONE.

CAMERA TWO.

CAMERA THREE.

[ Servomotor Whirs ]

PREPARE THE WATERCOOLER

THAT WE MAY GATHER AROUND IT LATER AND DISCUSS THINGS.

[ Bender Off-key ] * Single Female Lawyer

* Fighting for her client

* Wearing sexy miniskirts

* AND BEIN' SELF-RELIANT

HEY, I'M PRETTY GOOD.

UH... JENNIE McNEAL

YOU ARE CHARGED WITH JURY TAMPERING

IN LAST WEEK'S CASE

ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR HOT, NAKED AFFAIR WITH THE FOREMAN.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

YOUR HONOR, I MOVE FOR A MISTRIAL

ON THE GROUNDS THAT I'M ALSO HAVING A HOT, NAKED AFFAIR

WITH THE FOREMAN OF THIS JURY.

I'LL SEE YOU DURING THE RECESS.

IF McNEAL WISHES TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

WHY DOES SHE NOT SIMPLY TEAR THE JUDGE'S HEAD OFF?

IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY:

"WOMEN ARE FROM OMICRON PERSEI SEVEN

MEN ARE FROM OMICRON PERSEI NINE."

YOUR WITNESS, PROSECUTOR RAMIREZ.

GRACIAS.

SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER

WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF AUGUST 23?

SLEEPING WITH YOU.

AHA!

[ Sniffing ]

[ Slurping ]

UH, GET-- GETTING BACK TO THE MATTER,

UH, IF IT PLEASE THE COURT--

FRY, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE HERE.

YOU ONLY WROTE TWO PAGES OF DIALOGUE!

WELL, IT TOOK AN HOUR TO WRITE

I THOUGHT IT WOULD TAKE AN HOUR TO READ.

[ Anxious Sigh ]

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

JUST SAY ANYTHING--

AS LONG AS IT'S COMPELLING AND MESMERIZING--

A TOUR DE FORCE.

UH...

WHAT SAY YOU, SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER?

I SAY...

I'M GIVING UP THE LAW

AND I'M GIVING UP BEING SINGLE.

YOUR HONOR, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

[ Gasping ]

[ Hums Dramatic Music ]

OH, NO! GO TO COMMERCIAL.

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS WORD

FROM CRAZY BENDER'S DISCOUNT STEREO.

MARRIED?

JENNIE CAN'T GET MARRIED!

WHY NOT?

IT'S CLEVER, IT'S UNEXPECTED.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHY PEOPLE WATCH TV!

CLEVER THINGS MAKE PEOPLE FEEL STUPID

AND UNEXPECTED THINGS MAKE THEM FEEL SCARED.

[ Static On TV ]

Attention, McNeal--

Your unexpected marriage plan scares us.

You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer

and so shall you remain... or else!

YOU SEE? TV AUDIENCES DON'T WANT ANYTHING ORIGINAL.

THEY WANT TO SEE THE SAME THING THEY'VE SEEN 1,000 TIMES BEFORE.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, FRY?

TRUST ME ON THIS.

WHILE OTHER PEOPLE WERE OUT LIVING THEIR LIVES

I WASTED MINE WATCHING TV, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN

I KNEW IT MIGHT ONE DAY HELP ME SAVE THE WORLD.

PLUS, I WOULD'VE LOST MY WORKMEN'S COMP

IF I HAD GONE OUTSIDE.

NOW JUST READ THESE CUE CARDS.

AND... ACTION!

"MISS McNEAL...

"I'M AFRAID I MUST DECLINE

"YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE

"FOR YOU SEE, I'M DYING.

COUGH, THEN FALL OVER DEAD."

"MY GOD, HE'S DEAD."

"I WILL NOW MAKE MY CLOSING STATEMENT.

"WITH MY FIANCÉ DECEASED

"I HEREBY RETURN

"TO MY SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER CAREER

NO MATTER WHAT ANY MAN SAYS."

"WE FIND THE DEFENDANT

VULNERABLE YET SPUNKY."

[ All Cheering ]

AND... CUT!

* SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER

* HAVIN' LOTS OF SEX

HUH?

Attention, McNeal.

We are reasonably satisfied

with the events we have seen.

Overall, I would rate it a "C"-plus.

Okay; not great.

As a result, we will not destroy your planet

but neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality.

WAY TO OVERACT, ZOIDBERG.

And now we must return to our planet to catch the end

of a 1,000-year-old Leno monologue.

[ Eerie Whirring ]

[ All Cheering ]

YOU DID IT, FRY!

YEP.

[ Turns On TV ]

IT WAS JUST A MATTER

OF KNOWING THE SECRET OF ALL TV SHOWS.

AT THE END OF THE EPISODE

EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS RIGHT BACK TO NORMAL.