Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,502 --> 00:00:02,236
(no audio)
2
00:00:10,277 --> 00:00:13,615
(gentle festive music)
3
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,793
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
4
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,429
I hope all is well,
5
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,699
and you are in good spirits.
6
00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:34,636
(shutter clicking)
As Christmas approaches,
7
00:00:34,669 --> 00:00:36,069
I like to take time
8
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:39,039
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
9
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,608
and I have had this past year.
10
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:46,581
Wishing you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
11
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,081
Love, Clive H.
12
00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:54,522
(gentle festive music)
13
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:07,067
(gentle festive music continues)
14
00:01:15,877 --> 00:01:20,014
(gentle festive music continues)
15
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,994
(gentle festive music continues)
16
00:01:42,070 --> 00:01:46,139
(gentle festive music continues)
17
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,343
(water sloshing)
18
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,779
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
19
00:01:51,813 --> 00:01:52,947
- Bring it up.
20
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,489
- Here's your mail.
- Thanks.
21
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,028
Your mother's gonna
make me bankrupt.
22
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:08,228
- What's bankrupt?
23
00:02:09,631 --> 00:02:12,634
- It's like when somebody
eats all your Cocoa Puffs.
24
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:13,835
- Cocoa Puffs.
25
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:22,010
(playfully downbeat music)
26
00:02:22,043 --> 00:02:23,778
- Right on schedule.
27
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,317
(Joe sighs)
28
00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:42,362
(playfully downbeat
music continues)
29
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,232
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
30
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:49,837
I hope all is well and
you are in good spirits.
31
00:02:49,871 --> 00:02:53,074
As Christmas approaches
I like to take time
32
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:55,677
to reflect on all
the wonderful times
33
00:02:55,710 --> 00:02:57,979
my family and I have
had this past year.
34
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:01,181
(shutter clicking)
35
00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:05,485
P.S. You're invited to my
big birthday bash in England.
36
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:09,891
Bono is my special musical
guest. Details to come.
37
00:03:17,165 --> 00:03:20,233
(gentle warm music)
38
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,872
(water sloshing)
39
00:03:24,906 --> 00:03:27,374
(horn toots)
40
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,244
(bright music)
41
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:35,583
- Deb, how come we
never do anything?
42
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:38,318
- Hmm? What are
you talking about?
43
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:39,554
- I mean, we're alive,
44
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,623
but I don't really live,
45
00:03:43,825 --> 00:03:45,392
I never do anything interesting.
46
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:48,096
- We went to the
Scouts dinner Monday.
47
00:03:48,129 --> 00:03:49,864
(Joe groans)
48
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,599
Well, I enjoyed it.
49
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:54,635
I like socializing with
people in the community.
50
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:56,170
It helps me feel connected.
51
00:03:56,204 --> 00:03:57,672
- (chuckles) You
like hanging out
52
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,607
with grown men in
shorts in the winter?
53
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,708
I mean, come on.
54
00:04:00,742 --> 00:04:03,811
(mischievous music)
55
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,515
Oh, I mean, we never travel
56
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:11,119
or go anywhere or skydive.
57
00:04:11,152 --> 00:04:12,620
We never go skydiving.
58
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,822
We used to talk about
going skydiving.
59
00:04:14,856 --> 00:04:18,325
- I never talked about
skydiving. That's
your death wish.
60
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,995
- Oh. Oh yeah.
61
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:24,098
(mischievous music)
62
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:34,609
(traffic whooshing)
63
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:43,350
- Wait. We got it, didn't we?
64
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,419
- What do you mean?
65
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,422
- This annual envy
fest is getting old.
66
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,357
- Mm.
67
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:51,626
- Do you think Mary bragged
68
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,594
about all the
gold, frankincense,
69
00:04:53,628 --> 00:04:55,495
and myrrh that baby Jesus got?
70
00:04:55,530 --> 00:04:58,733
- Well, she should have.
It was quite the haul.
71
00:05:00,101 --> 00:05:02,136
(door knocking)
72
00:05:02,170 --> 00:05:03,271
Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.
73
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,206
- Ah! If it's a
package, no peeking.
74
00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:08,042
- [Joe] If. (laughs)
If it's a package.
75
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:11,946
Oh, hey.
76
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,915
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah. Hi Rich.
77
00:05:13,948 --> 00:05:16,884
- I got one for you today.
- Okay. Thank you.
78
00:05:16,918 --> 00:05:18,152
- Yeah.
79
00:05:18,186 --> 00:05:19,754
- Do all your packages
end up like this?
80
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,757
It's a little beaten up.
- Oh, no worries.
81
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,926
Whatever's in there
is pretty strong.
82
00:05:24,959 --> 00:05:26,561
Mm.
- Okay.
83
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,930
- I, I know 'cause I,
I used it to step on it
84
00:05:28,963 --> 00:05:31,165
to reach the top
shelf in my truck, so.
85
00:05:31,199 --> 00:05:32,499
- Oh.
- You're good to go.
86
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,101
- Okay, great.
87
00:05:35,136 --> 00:05:37,205
- Hi, Rich.
- Hi, Rich.
88
00:05:37,238 --> 00:05:38,940
- Oh, hey, kids.
89
00:05:38,973 --> 00:05:40,808
- Did you bring us any presents?
90
00:05:40,842 --> 00:05:42,375
- Yeah, did you
bring us anything?
91
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:45,646
- That's Santa's job.
I'm just an honorary elf.
92
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,050
(both chuckle)
93
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:52,220
Yeah, see, my job is to
pack in all the things
94
00:05:52,253 --> 00:05:54,222
that Santa can't
fit into a sleigh.
95
00:05:54,255 --> 00:05:57,725
And I bring those, see? Okay?
96
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,327
- Yes!
- Yes!
97
00:06:00,695 --> 00:06:03,764
- Well, I'm gonna be, be going.
98
00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:05,066
- Okay.
- Gotta get there.
99
00:06:05,099 --> 00:06:06,601
- That's a good one, Rich.
100
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,802
- So I'll be seeing
you real soon.
101
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:08,636
- All right.
- Okay.
102
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:09,871
- I'll see you around.
103
00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:13,473
- And uh, uh, tell
Debbie Merry Christmas!
104
00:06:14,976 --> 00:06:16,010
- Okay.
- Yeah.
105
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,011
- Merry Christmas.
106
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,721
(Joe groans)
107
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:31,058
Rotating tree stand.
108
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:34,427
- I told you not to peek.
109
00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,429
- What am I supposed
to do with this?
110
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,799
- It's to stringing up
the lights on the tree.
111
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,167
- Oh.
- Isn't that neat?
112
00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:42,435
- Yeah. Neat.
113
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,542
(Joe groans)
114
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:52,412
♪ O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ♪
115
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,050
- Who does this?
116
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,152
- Someone with controlling
stock in Waterford.
117
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,723
- Wonder what his doorknob
looks like. (chuckles)
118
00:07:02,757 --> 00:07:04,292
- You know, for
someone who supposedly
119
00:07:04,325 --> 00:07:06,493
has been friends with
this guy for years,
120
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,596
you sure don't act
like it sometimes.
121
00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:13,801
- Yeah, he means well.
He's just a bit tone deaf.
122
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:17,638
He lives in the world
of rich and famous
123
00:07:17,672 --> 00:07:19,607
and I live in this one.
124
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:21,809
And he likes to remind me of it
125
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,078
every single year without fail.
126
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:27,682
- You know, his letters
are always over the top.
127
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,818
(Joe sighs)
So why do you stay in touch?
128
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:35,022
- I dunno. I guess this
goes back to my childhood.
129
00:07:35,056 --> 00:07:36,590
- I am pleased to announce,
130
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,961
today I have your
pen pal assignments.
131
00:07:39,994 --> 00:07:41,529
- [Students] Yes!
132
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:44,665
- Ooh, I hope I get to
write to a cute Italian boy.
133
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,068
- Save yourself a stamp.
134
00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,905
- [Teacher] Getting to know
someone from a foreign land
135
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,707
is a wonderful thing.
136
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:55,409
Many pen pals become
lifelong friends.
137
00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:56,677
- Texas?
138
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,280
- [Teacher] Even in spite
of cultural differences,
139
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,949
you'll discover that
you and your new pen pal
140
00:08:01,983 --> 00:08:04,352
have a lot more in
common than you think.
141
00:08:04,385 --> 00:08:07,521
(warm playful music)
142
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,259
- [Clive] I play tennis too.
143
00:08:12,293 --> 00:08:15,029
In fact, I'll be playing
Junior Wimbledon this year.
144
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,465
What tennis club
do you belong to?
145
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,633
Cheers, Clive H.
146
00:08:20,468 --> 00:08:21,869
- Bloody hell.
147
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,471
- I could really tell
we are worlds apart
148
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,874
when I got my gold
badge in Scouts
149
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,243
and he said, "Oh, gold,
150
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,078
that's a good
investment opportunity.
151
00:08:31,112 --> 00:08:32,847
It'd be great for
your portfolio."
152
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,449
(lofty music)
153
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:38,986
Bloody hell.
154
00:08:40,121 --> 00:08:41,188
I must have been a
glutton for punishment
155
00:08:41,222 --> 00:08:43,257
because I visited a few times
156
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:46,761
and was eventually asked to
be an usher at his wedding.
157
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,430
(horse chuffs)
158
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,204
- Oh, there you are, old dog.
159
00:08:57,238 --> 00:08:59,140
Look at you, mate.
160
00:08:59,173 --> 00:09:00,374
You could almost be mistaken
161
00:09:00,408 --> 00:09:02,243
for an accomplished
businessman, huh?
162
00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:03,411
- Uh...
- Hey, hey,
163
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:05,146
I want you to introduce
you to someone,
164
00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:07,014
has a big thing for Americans.
165
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,618
Joe, meet Fiona.
166
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:12,820
- Hi.
- Hey.
167
00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:16,057
- Okay. Got to dash.
168
00:09:16,090 --> 00:09:18,125
Wedding and all, uh...
169
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,095
- What's this for?
170
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,563
- An usherly favor.
171
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,265
See, my horse steed
will be pulling
172
00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:26,734
our carriage away
from the church.
173
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,569
He had a little
molasses this morning
174
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,471
and he's not feeling that great.
175
00:09:30,505 --> 00:09:31,672
(uncomfortable music)
Would you mind?
176
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:32,973
- Uh...
- Thanks.
177
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:36,210
And keep the spade,
the shovel, as a gift.
178
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,113
You kids have fun.
179
00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:43,984
(Joe and Fiona
chuckle nervously)
180
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,719
- So, Fiona, right?
181
00:09:46,921 --> 00:09:47,822
- Fiona.
182
00:09:52,293 --> 00:09:56,363
(uncomfortable music continues)
183
00:09:58,099 --> 00:10:00,701
- And that's when the
Christmas letters began.
184
00:10:02,403 --> 00:10:05,739
Year after year reminding
me of how great his life is
185
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:09,610
and how, how mine wasn't.
186
00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:16,250
I just wish I could
just experience that
life just for once.
187
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,622
What did Thoreau say?
188
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:24,458
"Most men live lives
of quiet desperation."
189
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,963
I don't wanna be most men.
190
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,999
- Well, at least you're not
quiet about your desperation.
191
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:34,835
- One year, we're
gonna live that life.
192
00:10:34,869 --> 00:10:36,770
We're gonna do all
those crazy wild things
193
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,039
that, that he does.
194
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,007
We're gonna do it.
195
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,943
And people are
gonna read about it
196
00:10:42,977 --> 00:10:45,846
and they're gonna
wish they we're us
197
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,416
as opposed to us was
wishing we were them.
198
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:54,421
(shutter clicking)
(optimistic music)
199
00:11:02,997 --> 00:11:04,098
Yeah.
200
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:06,767
- Stop comparing
yourself to others.
201
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,637
You've got it pretty
good right here.
202
00:11:09,904 --> 00:11:12,239
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
203
00:11:12,273 --> 00:11:14,875
(tree stand whirring)
204
00:11:14,909 --> 00:11:17,144
- What is going on
with this thing?
205
00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:18,145
Is that smoke?
206
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:21,616
- Hello.
207
00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:23,417
- Deb Michaels. Is that you?
208
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,753
- Clyde Hammersmith.
(ornaments smashing)
209
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:28,422
Wow, we were just
talking about you.
210
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:32,927
- Sorry. Signals here in
the Med are just atrocious.
211
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,630
And the Greeks wonder
why things are so bad.
212
00:11:35,664 --> 00:11:37,532
No decent 5G anyway.
213
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:38,699
- Oh, what a shame.
214
00:11:42,671 --> 00:11:44,038
- We've been trying all day
215
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,575
to get dinner reservations
at Oroscopo and no luck.
216
00:11:46,608 --> 00:11:47,942
- I know what you mean.
217
00:11:49,544 --> 00:11:51,513
- So have you received
our letter yet?
218
00:11:51,546 --> 00:11:54,748
- Yes. Joe, can't
stop talking about it.
219
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,450
I can't wait to read it.
220
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,252
- Yes. Brilliant.
221
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,788
Full of great pics,
including some of me
222
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,991
and my new tennis Daniel Craig.
223
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:09,096
(tree stand whirring)
(ornaments shattering)
224
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:15,570
Oh. And there's a
special surprise in
there for you and Joe.
225
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,471
Hasn't he told you about it yet?
226
00:12:17,505 --> 00:12:20,575
- Uh, not yet.
- I won't spoil the surprise.
227
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:21,909
But how is old Joe?
228
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,778
Still chasing the big
money in advertising?
229
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,214
- Yep. Always chasing.
230
00:12:27,248 --> 00:12:28,782
- Put that old dog on the line.
231
00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:30,619
I want to have a chat with him.
232
00:12:30,652 --> 00:12:31,852
- Hold on a second.
233
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:36,223
(electricity zaps)
(window crashing)
234
00:12:36,257 --> 00:12:39,927
Clive, He'll call you back.
235
00:12:41,262 --> 00:12:42,162
- Dad.
236
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:45,332
- Oh!
- Is Dad okay?
237
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,502
- He'll be fine.
238
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,372
Once I find the receipt for
that rotating tree stand.
239
00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:55,442
♪ Jingle bells ♪
240
00:12:55,476 --> 00:12:57,344
♪ Jingle bells ♪
241
00:12:57,378 --> 00:13:00,414
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
242
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:03,284
♪ Oh, a fun it is to ride ♪
243
00:13:03,317 --> 00:13:06,920
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey ♪
244
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:08,355
- Don't you get sick
of playing that song?
245
00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:10,725
- Don't you ever get sick
of listening to Journey?
246
00:13:10,759 --> 00:13:12,860
- Hey, they got me through
a lot of tough times.
247
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:15,296
- What? Puberty?
- Uh-huh.
248
00:13:15,329 --> 00:13:17,898
(Drew chuckles)
249
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,099
- What you working on?
250
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,635
- Oh, it's a itinerary
251
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:24,071
for a whole year of family
activities and, and vacations.
252
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:26,440
I'm, I'm gonna present
it to them at Christmas.
253
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,676
- (inhales sharply)
Don't get caught
254
00:13:27,709 --> 00:13:29,209
doing that on company time.
255
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:32,046
I, I hear they're looking to
make cuts before Christmas.
256
00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:33,682
- Yeah. I think
I'm gonna be okay.
257
00:13:33,715 --> 00:13:35,816
I'm not the one walking
around playing a ukulele.
258
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,986
- But I'm hip and quirky
and companies love that.
259
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,789
It's like the new MBA.
260
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,891
- The what?
- You're old school, man.
261
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,893
Nobody cares about
good punctuation
262
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,127
and grammar and spelling.
263
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:49,798
It, it's all about
reaching your audience.
264
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:53,434
And your audience is
young and hip and quirky.
265
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:55,269
- You're 45 years old.
266
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:56,937
- Yeah, but I don't act like it.
267
00:13:58,339 --> 00:14:00,642
So let's hear these big plans.
268
00:14:00,675 --> 00:14:02,577
- Really?
- Hmm.
269
00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:05,879
- All right, so this is gonna
really blow my wife's mind.
270
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,782
I'm gonna take it
to the Chez Monet
271
00:14:07,816 --> 00:14:09,517
in Times Square
for New Year's Eve.
272
00:14:09,551 --> 00:14:11,586
- The Chez Monet?
- Yeah.
273
00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:13,454
- One meal there is
like a car payment.
274
00:14:13,487 --> 00:14:15,255
- I know. It's gonna
be great. (laughs)
275
00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:16,691
- What's that one?
276
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:19,694
- This one? It's a golf
clinic with a golfing legend.
277
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:21,663
Yeah.
- Hmm. A legend.
278
00:14:21,696 --> 00:14:22,797
Like who?
279
00:14:22,831 --> 00:14:24,298
- Well, it's subject
to availability,
280
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:27,802
but they do mention there
could be a one Tiger Woods.
281
00:14:27,836 --> 00:14:29,804
- This says Tigger Woods.
282
00:14:29,838 --> 00:14:31,305
- Yeah, it's a typo.
283
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,307
But anyway, I got this guy
who sends me these letters.
284
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,743
Anyway, it's a long story,
285
00:14:34,776 --> 00:14:37,177
but when he sees me playing
golf with Tiger Woods-
286
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:39,781
- Tigger.
- he's gonna freak out.
287
00:14:39,814 --> 00:14:42,149
Oh, maybe Tiger's
gonna let me wear
288
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,618
his green PGA jacket.
289
00:14:43,651 --> 00:14:45,219
That's gonna be so cool.
290
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,087
- Yeah, you'll be
wearing a jacket,
291
00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:48,922
but it ain't gonna be green.
292
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,125
- Oh, well-
(phone ringing)
293
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,393
Hello. This is Joe.
294
00:14:53,595 --> 00:14:55,429
Sure. I, I, I'll
be there in a sec.
295
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,699
That was HR.
296
00:14:57,732 --> 00:14:59,433
Just gonna go down there
for a quick meeting.
297
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:02,236
- Ooh, HR? Want me to
pack some boxes for you?
298
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,671
- No, it's not gonna
be anything like that.
299
00:15:03,705 --> 00:15:04,773
It's probably they wanna talk
300
00:15:04,806 --> 00:15:06,608
to me about that
community project.
301
00:15:06,641 --> 00:15:08,877
And besides if anyone's
gonna be packing boxes,
302
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:11,513
it's gonna be you,
walking around playing
that stupid thing.
303
00:15:11,546 --> 00:15:12,814
- Did you not hear
anything I said
304
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:14,281
about being hip and quirky?
305
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,851
- Anyway. Forget about it.
306
00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:17,852
I'll be back soon.
307
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,288
♪ Jingle bells ♪
308
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,223
♪ Jingle bells ♪
309
00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:26,260
(grand festive music)
310
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,995
- I can see you're in shock.
311
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,666
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪
312
00:15:31,699 --> 00:15:34,769
- You see, Joe, corporate
says we're failing
313
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,671
to reach the younger
internet crowd.
314
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,474
We need people who
can relate to them.
315
00:15:40,508 --> 00:15:41,810
People who could reach them
316
00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:45,613
in a hip and quirky
kinda way. (giggles)
317
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:47,849
And for less money, of course.
318
00:15:47,882 --> 00:15:49,717
- I- I- I can play the jug.
319
00:15:49,751 --> 00:15:52,687
I mean, is that hip
and quirky enough?
320
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,723
♪ See the blazing
yule before us ♪
321
00:15:55,757 --> 00:15:58,959
- So do you wanna go out the
front door or the back door?
322
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:00,194
- What are you talking about?
323
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,196
- We like to give
newly-separated assets,
324
00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:03,464
in this case, you,
325
00:16:03,497 --> 00:16:05,365
a choice as to whether
he or she wants
326
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:08,068
to avoid being seen
by former coworkers.
327
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,971
- Hey, Linda.
- Hi, Drew.
328
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:14,274
You're looking great.
- So are you. (chuckles)
329
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:15,543
- Oh, I get it.
330
00:16:15,577 --> 00:16:17,912
You don't want me to
make a scene, freak out?
331
00:16:17,946 --> 00:16:19,781
That's why you want me
to go out the back door?
332
00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:21,215
- The company would prefer it.
333
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,283
- Well, since the company's
already backdoored me,
334
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,486
I would like to go out the
front door, if that's okay.
335
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,655
♪ Don we now, our gay apparel ♪
336
00:16:27,689 --> 00:16:30,123
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
337
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,426
♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪
338
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:36,898
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
339
00:16:36,931 --> 00:16:39,166
♪ Fast away, the
old year passes ♪
340
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,703
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
341
00:16:41,736 --> 00:16:44,004
♪ Hail the new, ye
lads and lasses ♪
342
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,340
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
343
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,910
♪ Sing we joyous all together ♪
344
00:16:48,943 --> 00:16:51,445
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
345
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,314
(elevator dings)
346
00:17:00,955 --> 00:17:04,224
- Oh, man. Really?
- Yep. I'm afraid so.
347
00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:08,395
- Sorry man. We'll
miss you around here.
348
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,898
- Yeah. Yeah.
349
00:17:09,931 --> 00:17:11,498
Look, don't worry about that.
350
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:14,502
How's your, uh, house
situation going?
351
00:17:14,536 --> 00:17:17,939
- Fell through again. We just
don't qualify for a mortgage.
352
00:17:17,972 --> 00:17:20,474
- Man, that ain't right. Sorry.
353
00:17:20,508 --> 00:17:23,778
- It all works out.
Just keep the faith.
354
00:17:23,811 --> 00:17:24,946
- Ahem.
355
00:17:24,979 --> 00:17:28,016
♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
356
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,852
- Let us know if you
have any questions.
357
00:17:30,885 --> 00:17:33,186
We'll be in touch
with severance papers.
358
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:36,056
Merry Christmas! (guffaws)
359
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:40,227
(upbeat festive music continues)
360
00:17:48,836 --> 00:17:53,007
(upbeat festive music continues)
361
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:00,314
(blower whirring)
362
00:18:08,756 --> 00:18:09,757
- I can't believe they did this
363
00:18:09,791 --> 00:18:11,593
to you right before Christmas.
364
00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:13,393
- Yeah.
365
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:16,096
Human resources love Christmas.
366
00:18:17,532 --> 00:18:20,768
Especially love their
Christmas firing carols like
367
00:18:20,802 --> 00:18:23,705
♪ I'll be homeless
for Christmas ♪
368
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:24,706
Or their other one.
369
00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:26,874
♪ Santa isn't coming to town ♪
370
00:18:26,908 --> 00:18:29,309
♪ San- ♪
- Santa isn't coming to town?
371
00:18:29,343 --> 00:18:30,878
- Uh- no.
372
00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:33,113
- Oh, sweetie. He is.
- Yeah.
373
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,382
- It's just, daddy got the
name of that song wrong.
374
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,150
That's all.
- Yeah.
375
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,886
- Yeah. Go ahead,
go back to bed.
376
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:43,190
(both sigh)
377
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,593
Look, I know this is tough,
378
00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:48,096
but please don't ruin
the holiday for the kids.
379
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,164
- Okay.
380
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,402
- Get some sleep.
381
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:59,907
Tomorrow's a new day.
382
00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:03,443
(Joe exhales concernedly)
383
00:19:07,949 --> 00:19:11,019
(downtrodden music)
384
00:19:19,994 --> 00:19:22,797
- Ooh, tough break, buddy.
385
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:27,902
But just remember, don't stop
believing. (laughs mockingly)
386
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:36,243
- Joe! This is Dylan,
your replacement. (laughs)
387
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:37,444
He's a millennial.
388
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,914
Half your age, half your salary.
389
00:19:39,947 --> 00:19:44,351
People love his blog and
he is a master with emojis.
390
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,954
(both cackle)
391
00:19:56,864 --> 00:20:00,500
- Oh, well, tough luck,
Michaels. Onward steed.
392
00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:03,437
(hooves clopping)
393
00:20:08,643 --> 00:20:11,211
(Deb snoring)
394
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:24,525
(soft concerned music)
395
00:20:28,730 --> 00:20:30,131
- You'll be fine.
396
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:38,405
- I, um, I cashed in my 401k.
397
00:20:39,574 --> 00:20:40,373
- Excuse me?
398
00:20:41,809 --> 00:20:43,443
- That's the only
way we can finance
399
00:20:43,477 --> 00:20:44,946
the year of the Michaels.
400
00:20:47,548 --> 00:20:49,282
- What are you talking about?
401
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:52,754
- A whole year of family fun
and excitement and adventure
402
00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,089
so we can write the
ultimate Christmas letter.
403
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,389
- Wait a minute.
404
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:59,861
You lost your job
and just cashed in on
405
00:20:59,894 --> 00:21:03,463
the one thing standing between
us and a homeless shelter?
406
00:21:03,497 --> 00:21:06,333
All so you could write your
own narcissistic newsletter?
407
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,236
- Our narcissistic letter.
- Oh, f...
408
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:10,437
- And it's only gonna
work if we give it 110%.
409
00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:12,272
- Why didn't you talk
to me about this?
410
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:15,109
How we spend our money
should be a mutual decision.
411
00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,645
- We never had a discussion
about all the shoes you buy.
412
00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:20,313
I mean, how many did you
buy last year? 45 pairs.
413
00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:22,617
- That's for when we do
something special someday.
414
00:21:22,650 --> 00:21:24,051
- Exactly.
415
00:21:24,085 --> 00:21:26,220
I was gonna wait till
Christmas to give you this.
416
00:21:26,254 --> 00:21:28,923
(tender music)
417
00:21:31,659 --> 00:21:32,560
- Joe.
418
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:41,736
We don't ski.
419
00:21:41,769 --> 00:21:43,104
- Y- I mean...
420
00:21:43,137 --> 00:21:44,437
- Squirrels on YouTube
do it better than you.
421
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:46,073
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but we'll learn.
422
00:21:46,107 --> 00:21:47,340
I mean, that's the whole point
423
00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:49,210
of doing these fun
family things, you know?
424
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:51,045
- (sighs) Chez Monet?
425
00:21:51,078 --> 00:21:52,680
- Yeah. (laughs) Right?
426
00:21:52,713 --> 00:21:53,514
- Bahamas?
427
00:21:53,548 --> 00:21:54,849
Yes.
- Oh!
428
00:21:54,882 --> 00:21:57,317
- It'll be awesome.
- Wait, Tigger Woods.
429
00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:58,786
- Eh, that's a typo.
430
00:22:00,688 --> 00:22:02,757
- Tiger Woods?
- Yes.
431
00:22:02,790 --> 00:22:03,691
The one and only.
432
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,561
- We can't afford this.
433
00:22:06,594 --> 00:22:08,428
- The, the 401k will
finance the whole thing.
434
00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:09,931
- Joe, our savings.
435
00:22:09,964 --> 00:22:11,966
- Ah, it's gonna
be fine. Trust me.
436
00:22:14,001 --> 00:22:17,171
- Oh, I don't know.
(door knocking)
437
00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:20,608
- Oh, it's gonna be
great, I'll be there.
438
00:22:20,641 --> 00:22:21,843
It's good.
439
00:22:21,876 --> 00:22:24,712
(mischievous music)
440
00:22:24,745 --> 00:22:26,247
What are doing, Rich?
441
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,882
- Merry Christmas!
442
00:22:27,915 --> 00:22:30,852
(bright festive music)
443
00:22:30,885 --> 00:22:33,321
- What better way to start
the year of the Michaels
444
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:35,957
than a Norman
Rockwell-esque sleigh ride
445
00:22:35,990 --> 00:22:37,191
on Christmas morning.
446
00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:42,563
- But Dad, I wanna
play with my toys.
447
00:22:42,597 --> 00:22:44,932
- Yeah, Dad. It's
Christmas morning.
448
00:22:44,966 --> 00:22:46,767
I didn't even get
to open my Legos.
449
00:22:48,135 --> 00:22:49,503
- Joe. This is nice.
450
00:22:49,537 --> 00:22:51,973
But if you wanted to be
like Norman Rockwell,
451
00:22:52,006 --> 00:22:54,342
I could have just
gotten you some paints.
452
00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:55,610
- [Joe] Why look at a painting
453
00:22:55,643 --> 00:22:57,444
when you could experience
the real thing.
454
00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:58,980
Well, here it is.
455
00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:02,750
♪ It is to ride on a
one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
456
00:23:02,783 --> 00:23:07,855
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪
457
00:23:11,225 --> 00:23:12,425
- Where are the horses?
458
00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:14,394
Where's all the snow?
459
00:23:14,427 --> 00:23:16,831
- Uh, I don't know.
460
00:23:16,864 --> 00:23:18,666
(Deb sighs)
- Oh, It'll be fine.
461
00:23:18,699 --> 00:23:20,034
It'll be fun. Come on.
462
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:22,904
Let's, uh, let's go have
a sleigh ride, meet Santa.
463
00:23:25,172 --> 00:23:26,140
Be great.
464
00:23:26,173 --> 00:23:27,074
(Caroline gasps)
(hopeful music)
465
00:23:27,108 --> 00:23:28,542
Yeah.
466
00:23:28,576 --> 00:23:29,476
- Santa!
467
00:23:32,346 --> 00:23:34,682
(discouraging music)
468
00:23:34,715 --> 00:23:36,117
- Merry Christmas.
469
00:23:37,351 --> 00:23:40,453
Name's Frederick Santa.
470
00:23:40,487 --> 00:23:43,024
You must be my 10:00
am special appointment.
471
00:23:43,057 --> 00:23:44,592
Mighty adventurous of you, man.
472
00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:47,161
Coming out on Christmas
for a big holiday hunt.
473
00:23:47,962 --> 00:23:49,429
Let's get it on.
474
00:23:49,462 --> 00:23:50,331
- Hunt?
475
00:23:51,699 --> 00:23:54,902
- Yeah, it'll be like the Easter
egg hunt, candy cane hunt.
476
00:23:54,936 --> 00:23:56,771
Anyway, l- l- let's
go. Let's get going.
477
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,709
(gentle music)
478
00:24:01,742 --> 00:24:02,643
- Uh, Mom?
479
00:24:03,678 --> 00:24:06,113
(worrisome music)
480
00:24:06,147 --> 00:24:07,048
- Joe.
481
00:24:08,149 --> 00:24:09,784
- Is this supposed
to be a sleigh ride?
482
00:24:09,817 --> 00:24:12,153
- Yep. Slay Rides Incorporated.
483
00:24:12,954 --> 00:24:14,388
We kill 'em, you grill 'em.
484
00:24:15,289 --> 00:24:16,590
Now let's go find Rudolph
485
00:24:16,624 --> 00:24:18,826
and get us some fresh
Christmas venison, huh?
486
00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:21,562
- Daddy, what's venison?
487
00:24:21,595 --> 00:24:24,799
- Oh, it's, a, it's a
little town in Italy.
488
00:24:24,832 --> 00:24:26,133
We'll go there one day.
489
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:28,803
It's, they make
pizzas and stuff.
490
00:24:29,837 --> 00:24:30,871
- Ho-ho-hold on.
491
00:24:32,306 --> 00:24:33,741
- This'll be fun.
492
00:24:33,774 --> 00:24:36,510
(all screaming)
493
00:24:37,979 --> 00:24:43,050
- Poor Rudolph.
(dark music)
494
00:24:43,751 --> 00:24:45,419
(Deb exhales sharply)
495
00:24:45,453 --> 00:24:47,588
- [Deb] Guys, go
wash your hands.
496
00:24:47,621 --> 00:24:48,889
- [Caroline] Yes, mommy.
497
00:24:48,923 --> 00:24:53,861
- So, uh, I'll just, uh,
498
00:24:53,894 --> 00:24:55,396
put this under the tree then?
499
00:24:58,466 --> 00:25:01,202
(mouse clicking)
500
00:25:06,574 --> 00:25:09,643
(keyboard clacking)
501
00:25:15,850 --> 00:25:18,352
- Yes, Dad. We're fine.
502
00:25:20,321 --> 00:25:21,222
What?
503
00:25:22,757 --> 00:25:24,125
Yeah, he's right here.
504
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:27,428
He wants to talk to you.
505
00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:30,798
(Joe sighs)
506
00:25:32,333 --> 00:25:33,667
- Hi, Tony.
507
00:25:33,701 --> 00:25:37,506
- Heard you bagged Rudolph
on Christmas day. Nice.
508
00:25:37,538 --> 00:25:41,008
Thanks for traumatizing
my daughter and grandkids.
509
00:25:41,042 --> 00:25:42,676
Wanna mount my head on the wall?
510
00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:44,245
- Oh, actually, yeah,
511
00:25:44,278 --> 00:25:46,180
but I think you have
to be dead first, but-
512
00:25:46,213 --> 00:25:48,115
- Oh, Joe. Gimme that.
513
00:25:48,149 --> 00:25:50,618
Dad? Yeah, I'm sorry.
514
00:25:50,651 --> 00:25:54,121
I know, I know. Okay.
515
00:25:55,524 --> 00:25:58,459
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
516
00:26:01,095 --> 00:26:02,863
- Well, it was, uh,
nice of Frederick
517
00:26:02,897 --> 00:26:04,799
to process all that
venison for us.
518
00:26:04,832 --> 00:26:08,803
And he even gave us a
box of reindeer jerky.
519
00:26:08,836 --> 00:26:10,604
- What the hell
were you thinking?
520
00:26:11,605 --> 00:26:13,074
- Well, you don't wanna let
521
00:26:13,107 --> 00:26:15,810
a little mishap spoil our
Christmas fun. (chuckles)
522
00:26:15,843 --> 00:26:17,311
- Fun?
523
00:26:17,344 --> 00:26:20,915
That head was eating berries
no less than 24 hours ago.
524
00:26:22,817 --> 00:26:26,787
- Um, look, can I
make it up to you
525
00:26:26,821 --> 00:26:29,590
with a another
Christmas surprise?
526
00:26:29,623 --> 00:26:33,594
- Oh, what's next,
a taxidermy elf?
527
00:26:33,627 --> 00:26:35,362
- (chuckles) No.
528
00:26:36,931 --> 00:26:41,001
We're going to
England next summer.
529
00:26:41,035 --> 00:26:42,803
- What are you talking about?
530
00:26:42,837 --> 00:26:44,438
- Didn't you read
Clive's letter?
531
00:26:44,472 --> 00:26:45,739
- I couldn't get past the part
532
00:26:45,773 --> 00:26:47,908
about having tea with
Sir Paul McCartney.
533
00:26:47,942 --> 00:26:49,743
- Oh no, there was,
there was a P.S.
534
00:26:49,777 --> 00:26:53,080
and he was inviting us all
to his big birthday bash
535
00:26:53,114 --> 00:26:54,915
next summer in the UK.
536
00:26:54,949 --> 00:26:58,752
And it's gonna be like
bow ties and black ties
537
00:26:58,786 --> 00:27:02,156
and champagne and
caviar and dignitaries
538
00:27:02,189 --> 00:27:03,924
and all that kind of stuff.
539
00:27:03,958 --> 00:27:05,759
So I thought, "Hey, why not?"
540
00:27:05,793 --> 00:27:08,863
So I booked a ticket and
RSVP'd and away we go.
541
00:27:08,896 --> 00:27:10,197
Wh- what do you think?
542
00:27:10,231 --> 00:27:14,201
- You want to go to a
party for the very man
543
00:27:14,235 --> 00:27:17,705
whose Christmas letter
drives you crazy each year?
544
00:27:17,738 --> 00:27:20,841
A party for the man who
will likely put this event
545
00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:22,544
in next year's letter.
546
00:27:22,577 --> 00:27:23,811
- Yeah, absolutely.
547
00:27:23,844 --> 00:27:26,847
'Cause then We can write
about it in our letter.
548
00:27:26,881 --> 00:27:29,917
What a way to steal his thunder.
549
00:27:29,950 --> 00:27:31,553
It's gonna be brilliant, hey?
550
00:27:31,586 --> 00:27:32,753
(laughs) Oh yes.
551
00:27:36,357 --> 00:27:38,560
- I see you truly
value his friendship.
552
00:27:41,295 --> 00:27:46,367
- I think it's gonna be good.
553
00:27:47,401 --> 00:27:51,405
(bright music)
(keyboard clacking)
554
00:27:51,438 --> 00:27:52,339
- Hey, everyone.
555
00:27:52,373 --> 00:27:53,874
Bryan Deacrest here with you
556
00:27:53,908 --> 00:27:56,611
to celebrate another New Year's
Rompin' Eve in Times Square.
557
00:27:56,645 --> 00:27:57,878
Tonight, we're outside
558
00:27:57,912 --> 00:28:00,181
the inimitable Chez
Monet French restaurant,
559
00:28:00,214 --> 00:28:01,949
under new management,
by the way.
560
00:28:01,982 --> 00:28:03,817
Where everyone who's anyone
561
00:28:03,851 --> 00:28:05,819
will be enjoying
sumptuous dining,
562
00:28:05,853 --> 00:28:08,657
fine music, and a
Rompin' Eve tradition:
563
00:28:08,689 --> 00:28:11,125
the midnight pressing
of the ceremonial button
564
00:28:11,158 --> 00:28:13,260
that lowers the famous ball.
565
00:28:13,294 --> 00:28:16,197
(energetic music)
566
00:28:21,936 --> 00:28:23,137
- But this is my best suit.
567
00:28:23,170 --> 00:28:25,239
- I'm sorry, sir.
Those are the rules.
568
00:28:25,272 --> 00:28:27,609
- I mean, we had a
reservation for 6:30.
569
00:28:27,642 --> 00:28:29,210
I wanna speak to the manager.
570
00:28:29,243 --> 00:28:31,145
- You mean the general manager?
571
00:28:31,178 --> 00:28:32,146
Yeah, that'd be moi.
572
00:28:32,179 --> 00:28:34,848
- Oh, bonjour.
- Bonsoir.
573
00:28:34,882 --> 00:28:37,017
I'm Norm de Plume,
the general manager.
574
00:28:37,051 --> 00:28:38,687
This is Chez Monet.
575
00:28:38,719 --> 00:28:41,388
Where everything is
fine and beautiful
576
00:28:41,422 --> 00:28:44,258
and the music's good and
the food is sumptuous.
577
00:28:44,291 --> 00:28:46,026
But you're not dressed right.
578
00:28:46,060 --> 00:28:49,598
And I can't let people
dressed like you in here.
579
00:28:49,631 --> 00:28:51,232
I'm sorry. I hope
you understand.
580
00:28:51,265 --> 00:28:53,767
- Uh, is this even
a French restaurant?
581
00:28:53,801 --> 00:28:55,402
I mean, are you even French?
582
00:28:55,436 --> 00:28:58,405
- No. Thanks for asking.
583
00:28:58,439 --> 00:29:00,207
- W- what about my reservation?
584
00:29:00,241 --> 00:29:01,875
- Didn't she tell you
about the dress code?
585
00:29:01,909 --> 00:29:03,444
- Yeah, yeah. She did, she did.
586
00:29:03,477 --> 00:29:04,411
- Okay, good.
587
00:29:04,445 --> 00:29:05,647
Well, know you look just great
588
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,550
for a high school
reunion, let's say,
589
00:29:08,583 --> 00:29:10,217
Moose Club in Paramus.
590
00:29:11,485 --> 00:29:12,920
Did you show him the rules?
- Yes. I, uh, okay.
591
00:29:12,953 --> 00:29:14,321
Again.
- Yes.
592
00:29:14,355 --> 00:29:17,458
- Section three, paragraph
four specifically states
593
00:29:17,491 --> 00:29:20,528
that we will not serve
any man, woman, or child
594
00:29:20,562 --> 00:29:23,764
who's not wearing attire
befitting the establishment.
595
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:27,368
I-
- Excuse me, sir.
596
00:29:27,401 --> 00:29:28,202
- Sir?
- What?
597
00:29:28,235 --> 00:29:29,537
- Is there a problem?
598
00:29:30,605 --> 00:29:32,773
There must be some
misunderstanding.
599
00:29:32,806 --> 00:29:37,679
Ah, oh, see Deb and
Joe Michaels 6:30.
600
00:29:37,712 --> 00:29:39,213
- Oh.
601
00:29:39,246 --> 00:29:41,882
But, you know, we can't just,
602
00:29:41,915 --> 00:29:46,987
you are just very pr- p- pretty.
603
00:29:48,856 --> 00:29:50,391
You're a lucky devil.
604
00:29:51,225 --> 00:29:52,761
As lovely as you are,
605
00:29:52,793 --> 00:29:55,029
I can't let your husband
dine here tonight.
606
00:29:56,598 --> 00:29:57,666
- Why not?
607
00:29:57,699 --> 00:29:59,701
- At Chez Monet we
have rules like,
608
00:29:59,734 --> 00:30:01,703
you need a proper dinner suit.
609
00:30:01,736 --> 00:30:04,673
- What? Like a tuxedo?
- Not like a tuxedo.
610
00:30:04,706 --> 00:30:06,473
A real tuxedo.
611
00:30:06,508 --> 00:30:09,443
Like a one-button
mohair by Brioni.
612
00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:10,911
- Oh yeah. Brioni
would be a good one.
613
00:30:10,944 --> 00:30:12,079
- The rules are the rules.
614
00:30:12,112 --> 00:30:13,648
If I made an exception,
615
00:30:13,682 --> 00:30:15,883
I'd have the let in
the whole hoi polloi.
616
00:30:17,051 --> 00:30:18,285
- We had a reservation here
617
00:30:18,319 --> 00:30:20,120
and we're not gonna
leave until we're seated
618
00:30:20,154 --> 00:30:22,724
buying some, something expensive
619
00:30:22,757 --> 00:30:23,957
and celebrating the New Year's.
620
00:30:23,991 --> 00:30:27,961
- Well if I may, we
may have an option
621
00:30:27,995 --> 00:30:29,698
if you'd be amenable to it.
622
00:30:29,731 --> 00:30:30,598
- Sure, if I must.
- You know what?
623
00:30:30,632 --> 00:30:33,400
We can rent you a tuxedo.
624
00:30:33,434 --> 00:30:37,706
Our selection is quite
limited, but we have some.
625
00:30:37,739 --> 00:30:39,206
- All right. How much is it?
626
00:30:40,407 --> 00:30:41,676
- 300.
- $300.
627
00:30:41,710 --> 00:30:44,345
- 300? That's our whole
budget for the evening.
628
00:30:44,378 --> 00:30:46,815
- What were they gonna
order? Bread and water.
629
00:30:46,847 --> 00:30:50,150
(Norm laughs)
A crouton?
630
00:30:52,119 --> 00:30:55,089
(prim music)
- More?
631
00:30:55,122 --> 00:30:56,957
- Yeah, uh, uh, garcon?
632
00:30:56,990 --> 00:30:59,126
Garconesse, or whatever.
633
00:30:59,159 --> 00:30:59,960
- Sir?
634
00:31:01,028 --> 00:31:02,930
- Another round of
your finest bread.
635
00:31:04,131 --> 00:31:05,633
- Can I get you anything else?
636
00:31:05,667 --> 00:31:10,705
Uh, some dessert, some
bread pudding perhaps?
637
00:31:11,905 --> 00:31:13,374
- No, just the bread's fine.
638
00:31:22,216 --> 00:31:24,519
(bread crunches)
639
00:31:24,552 --> 00:31:25,419
- Sir.
640
00:31:27,921 --> 00:31:29,624
They've requested more bread.
641
00:31:31,458 --> 00:31:32,827
- How about the day-old?
642
00:31:37,364 --> 00:31:39,032
(bread crunches)
643
00:31:39,066 --> 00:31:39,967
Perfect.
644
00:31:45,038 --> 00:31:45,906
- Do you see that?
645
00:31:46,775 --> 00:31:49,042
Is that a Rolex?
- Ooh.
646
00:31:49,076 --> 00:31:50,144
Do we get one too?
647
00:31:50,177 --> 00:31:51,378
- Yeah, I think we do.
648
00:31:52,279 --> 00:31:53,782
I think they're giving them out.
649
00:31:56,618 --> 00:31:58,853
- What is this, your
10th bread basket?
650
00:31:58,887 --> 00:32:01,388
- Can we get one of
those goody bags?
651
00:32:01,422 --> 00:32:05,125
- Oh, I'm afraid you
don't get one now.
652
00:32:05,159 --> 00:32:06,895
- Why not? We're patrons.
653
00:32:06,927 --> 00:32:08,962
- You ate free bread all night.
654
00:32:08,996 --> 00:32:10,931
I'm sorry. Now if
you'll excuse me.
655
00:32:12,966 --> 00:32:15,302
- What's a French word
for a guy like that?
656
00:32:15,335 --> 00:32:18,305
- Douche.
- Yeah. Le douche.
657
00:32:19,206 --> 00:32:21,942
(subdued music)
658
00:32:30,919 --> 00:32:34,488
(subdued music continues)
659
00:32:42,931 --> 00:32:46,500
(subdued music continues)
660
00:32:55,442 --> 00:32:58,913
(subdued music continues)
661
00:33:02,015 --> 00:33:04,886
(patron chuckles)
662
00:33:06,153 --> 00:33:09,256
- Oh Joe, I'm sorry.
663
00:33:10,525 --> 00:33:11,893
- You know what?
664
00:33:11,926 --> 00:33:15,496
I'm not gonna let anybody
ruin this night. Okay?
665
00:33:17,899 --> 00:33:19,767
Have I told you that I love you?
666
00:33:19,801 --> 00:33:21,068
- Mm-hmm.
667
00:33:21,101 --> 00:33:23,671
Last week when I took
in the garbage cans.
668
00:33:23,705 --> 00:33:25,105
- Oh yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Joe!
669
00:33:29,711 --> 00:33:33,581
- [Crowd] Ten,
nine, eight, seven
670
00:33:33,615 --> 00:33:36,784
six, five, four,
671
00:33:36,818 --> 00:33:39,319
(crowd clamoring)
three, two, one.
672
00:33:39,353 --> 00:33:43,190
(fireworks whistle)
(crowd cheers)
673
00:33:43,223 --> 00:33:46,694
(cheerful festive music)
674
00:33:54,602 --> 00:33:56,403
- Happy New Year! Go!
675
00:33:57,805 --> 00:34:00,508
- Stop them! Stop those people!
676
00:34:00,542 --> 00:34:02,977
- Idiots. It's only 9:45.
677
00:34:03,811 --> 00:34:07,047
(fireworks crackling)
678
00:34:08,181 --> 00:34:10,250
- Hi Mr. Clark. Oh my Gosh.
679
00:34:10,284 --> 00:34:11,218
Where you been?
680
00:34:11,251 --> 00:34:12,787
Happy New Year. Muah!
681
00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:14,121
Happy New Year.
682
00:34:16,558 --> 00:34:18,526
- I cannot find my phone.
683
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:19,794
Deb, Deb, I need your phone.
684
00:34:19,827 --> 00:34:21,161
Quick, quickly.
- What? What are you doing?
685
00:34:21,194 --> 00:34:22,964
You gonna tear us apart.
- No. It's gonna be great.
686
00:34:22,997 --> 00:34:24,866
Excuse me. Can we get
a selfie with you?
687
00:34:24,899 --> 00:34:25,833
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
688
00:34:25,867 --> 00:34:27,134
- Why not?
- All right.
689
00:34:27,167 --> 00:34:28,703
- It's not like I don't
have any time to kill.
690
00:34:28,736 --> 00:34:31,104
- Cheese.
(shutter clicking)
691
00:34:31,138 --> 00:34:32,907
Huge fan. I love of you
on "American Band Stand."
692
00:34:32,941 --> 00:34:34,976
You are great. All right.
693
00:34:36,044 --> 00:34:37,745
- I bet this never
happened to Dick.
694
00:34:39,246 --> 00:34:43,083
(phone buzzing rhythmically)
695
00:34:48,890 --> 00:34:52,259
- Hello?
- Joe?
696
00:34:52,292 --> 00:34:53,795
- No.
- Oh, I, oh.
697
00:34:56,496 --> 00:34:58,432
I'm looking for Joe Michaels.
698
00:34:58,465 --> 00:34:59,934
- Oh yeah. Right.
699
00:34:59,968 --> 00:35:01,168
I'm afraid the Michaels
700
00:35:01,201 --> 00:35:03,203
are thankfully no
longer in this building.
701
00:35:04,072 --> 00:35:05,138
- Oh.
- So.
702
00:35:05,172 --> 00:35:07,976
- Well, I, I heard
he was coming in
703
00:35:08,009 --> 00:35:09,844
to the big city tonight.
704
00:35:10,812 --> 00:35:12,914
I guess I missed
a hell of a party.
705
00:35:12,947 --> 00:35:14,749
- Ah, you could say that, yeah.
706
00:35:16,017 --> 00:35:18,452
Now I'm afraid I don't
wish to help you anymore.
707
00:35:18,485 --> 00:35:21,154
I hope you have a
very happy New Year.
708
00:35:21,188 --> 00:35:22,456
- Wait, wait, wait,
709
00:35:22,489 --> 00:35:24,025
wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what, what?
710
00:35:24,058 --> 00:35:28,763
- Could you tell him about the
package? My package for Joe.
711
00:35:29,564 --> 00:35:30,765
See, I missed it on my route
712
00:35:30,798 --> 00:35:34,936
and well now it's,
it's leaking and...
713
00:35:34,969 --> 00:35:36,037
- I'm sure it is.
714
00:35:36,070 --> 00:35:38,906
I'll be sure not
to let them know.
715
00:35:40,374 --> 00:35:42,442
- He'll, uh, he'll
find it tomorrow.
716
00:35:45,013 --> 00:35:48,549
Looks like you've got a
pretty nice place there.
717
00:35:49,817 --> 00:35:50,952
- Bloody hell.
718
00:35:54,388 --> 00:35:59,159
- Dining and dashing.
I feel so dirty.
719
00:35:59,192 --> 00:36:01,062
We turned Times Square
into a ghost town
720
00:36:01,095 --> 00:36:02,130
on New Year's Eve.
721
00:36:02,162 --> 00:36:03,263
Who does that?
722
00:36:03,296 --> 00:36:05,833
- Well, Times Square
is so overrated.
723
00:36:05,867 --> 00:36:07,300
Besides, there's nowhere to pee.
724
00:36:07,334 --> 00:36:08,670
Sorry. Correction.
725
00:36:09,771 --> 00:36:12,205
I did see someone
peeing in a mailbox.
726
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:14,876
In fact, I saw a lot
of people peeing.
727
00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:17,578
And we didn't even dine
we just had some bread.
728
00:36:17,612 --> 00:36:19,547
It was fine.
- Then why did we dash?
729
00:36:20,882 --> 00:36:22,050
- Uh...
730
00:36:22,083 --> 00:36:23,417
- Wouldn't have anything
731
00:36:23,450 --> 00:36:26,554
to do with that Rolex on
your wrist now, would it?
732
00:36:26,587 --> 00:36:28,856
- Well, I mean, you
have one as well.
733
00:36:28,890 --> 00:36:30,223
- I'm not wearing it.
734
00:36:31,025 --> 00:36:32,259
- Well, look, besides,
735
00:36:32,292 --> 00:36:33,761
I mean all those people
at that restaurant,
736
00:36:33,795 --> 00:36:35,228
that this means nothing to them.
737
00:36:35,262 --> 00:36:36,864
It's like a pair
of socks to them.
738
00:36:36,898 --> 00:36:39,701
- A very expensive
pair of socks.
739
00:36:39,734 --> 00:36:42,302
(Joe sighs)
740
00:36:42,335 --> 00:36:44,739
(phone ringing)
741
00:36:44,772 --> 00:36:46,507
- Your phone's ringing.
742
00:36:48,042 --> 00:36:48,943
Ah.
743
00:36:52,212 --> 00:36:53,280
Hello?
744
00:36:53,313 --> 00:36:54,247
- Oh, it's you.
745
00:36:54,281 --> 00:36:55,382
Heard you got yourself a pair
746
00:36:55,415 --> 00:36:57,250
of hot watches the other night.
747
00:36:57,284 --> 00:37:00,353
Thanks for making
my daughter a felon.
748
00:37:00,387 --> 00:37:02,523
What are planning
next? A homicide.
749
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:07,394
Joe, you there?
750
00:37:07,427 --> 00:37:08,896
- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
751
00:37:08,930 --> 00:37:11,431
Yeah, I'm here. I was just
trying to do something else.
752
00:37:11,465 --> 00:37:14,001
- Get my daughter on the phone.
753
00:37:14,035 --> 00:37:15,235
- Who is it?
- Grampus.
754
00:37:16,571 --> 00:37:18,271
No, I mean Grandpa.
755
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:20,875
Is your mom around?
756
00:37:20,908 --> 00:37:22,043
Deb? Deb?
- Momma!
757
00:37:24,145 --> 00:37:26,748
- Little thing is on the phone.
758
00:37:27,982 --> 00:37:29,483
Crazy ol' Grampa.
759
00:37:31,185 --> 00:37:32,086
Grampa.
760
00:37:34,889 --> 00:37:37,959
(mischievous music)
761
00:37:42,630 --> 00:37:44,932
- Oh, hey Rich.
- Hi, Joe.
762
00:37:44,966 --> 00:37:46,567
- Oh.
- Whatcha got there?
763
00:37:46,601 --> 00:37:47,501
Thank you.
764
00:37:48,335 --> 00:37:49,704
Why do your packages look like
765
00:37:49,737 --> 00:37:51,973
they're being used
as a ThighMaster?
766
00:37:52,006 --> 00:37:54,542
- Oh, well, sorry.
I'm sure it's fine.
767
00:37:54,575 --> 00:37:56,010
Yeah? Here.
- Okay.
768
00:37:56,043 --> 00:37:57,779
- I just need your signature.
769
00:37:57,812 --> 00:38:00,214
- All right.
- There you go. Right there.
770
00:38:00,248 --> 00:38:01,716
- So, uh, how's life?
771
00:38:02,817 --> 00:38:06,020
- Well, I'm getting
the vasectomy.
772
00:38:06,888 --> 00:38:08,388
- Oh, okay.
773
00:38:08,421 --> 00:38:12,459
- Yeah, my wife's been
bugging me for years.
774
00:38:12,492 --> 00:38:14,595
At first she wanted to be
like that family on TV.
775
00:38:14,629 --> 00:38:16,130
You know the one
with the 10 kids?
776
00:38:16,164 --> 00:38:17,064
- Oh yeah.
777
00:38:17,098 --> 00:38:18,365
- But after four C-sections,
778
00:38:18,398 --> 00:38:21,769
a couple of sets of breach twins
779
00:38:21,803 --> 00:38:25,273
and giving once birth
on a roller coaster,
780
00:38:25,305 --> 00:38:27,542
she got tired of
trying to keep up, so.
781
00:38:27,575 --> 00:38:30,945
- Yeah.
- Nine's the magic number.
782
00:38:30,978 --> 00:38:35,183
So next week I, I'm seeing
my urologist and Dr. Stoppe.
783
00:38:36,383 --> 00:38:38,385
- Dr. Stop. Is that like stop?
784
00:38:38,418 --> 00:38:41,022
S-T-O-P?
- No, no.
785
00:38:41,055 --> 00:38:44,592
S-O it's two P's and an E.
- Oh.
786
00:38:44,625 --> 00:38:47,628
- Like, like shoppe, you
know, like ye olde shoppe.
787
00:38:47,662 --> 00:38:49,429
- Right. Yeah.
788
00:38:49,462 --> 00:38:50,898
Yeah.
789
00:38:50,932 --> 00:38:53,000
So he's kinda like a boutique
back vasectomy doctor
790
00:38:53,034 --> 00:38:54,535
kind of thing?
- It's a regular office,
791
00:38:54,569 --> 00:38:56,436
but he says a couple of snips
792
00:38:56,469 --> 00:38:59,574
and my baby making
days are over.
793
00:38:59,607 --> 00:39:03,010
- Wow, well thanks for your
public service there, Rich.
794
00:39:04,979 --> 00:39:07,615
- Hi, Rich.
- Mrs. Michaels.
795
00:39:08,749 --> 00:39:13,321
Well, uh, well, nice
talking to you, Joe.
796
00:39:13,353 --> 00:39:16,891
Mrs. Michaels. Deb. (chuckles)
797
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,729
- Uh, did he just wink at you?
798
00:39:23,430 --> 00:39:24,799
- I think it was a twitch.
799
00:39:25,833 --> 00:39:27,835
Probably nervous
about that vasectomy.
800
00:39:29,804 --> 00:39:32,506
- Hmm.
(bright music)
801
00:39:34,441 --> 00:39:35,676
- [Joe] There's nothing like
802
00:39:35,710 --> 00:39:38,212
the crisp winter snow
in the mountains.
803
00:39:38,246 --> 00:39:39,146
Right, kids?
804
00:39:40,314 --> 00:39:41,983
Come on. We're headed
to Goliath Mountain.
805
00:39:42,016 --> 00:39:44,852
The Goliath Mountain.
806
00:39:44,886 --> 00:39:46,721
Who's ready to rip some poo.
807
00:39:47,989 --> 00:39:50,157
- [Deb] Think you
mean rip some pow.
808
00:39:51,458 --> 00:39:52,793
- Where's daddy?
809
00:39:52,827 --> 00:39:55,696
- He went to register us
for the tennis lessons.
810
00:39:55,730 --> 00:39:56,797
If he doesn't show up soon,
811
00:39:56,831 --> 00:39:58,398
he's gonna miss the ski lessons.
812
00:39:58,431 --> 00:40:00,835
- Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late.
813
00:40:02,303 --> 00:40:04,372
Oh, there was a long line.
814
00:40:04,404 --> 00:40:06,439
Look, I just found
out that John McEnroe
815
00:40:06,473 --> 00:40:08,709
is gonna be one of the
instructors at the tennis camp.
816
00:40:08,743 --> 00:40:10,211
- Get out!
- Yeah. Isn't that cool?
817
00:40:10,244 --> 00:40:11,512
- And with that,
818
00:40:11,545 --> 00:40:13,648
I wish you all the best
of luck on the slopes.
819
00:40:13,681 --> 00:40:16,449
- Oh, but wait, my
husband just got here.
820
00:40:16,483 --> 00:40:20,021
- Oh, uh, he could
join my next lesson
821
00:40:20,054 --> 00:40:21,656
and catch up with you later.
822
00:40:21,689 --> 00:40:23,423
How's that?
- Yeah, that sounds fine.
823
00:40:23,456 --> 00:40:25,726
You go ahead. I'll
catch up with you later.
824
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,461
Go rip some poo. (laughs)
825
00:40:30,665 --> 00:40:33,801
- Pow.
(Joe chuckles)
826
00:40:38,438 --> 00:40:39,407
- All right.
827
00:40:40,574 --> 00:40:41,976
- Here's our other participant.
828
00:40:42,009 --> 00:40:43,978
Big Joe, meet Little Joe.
829
00:40:44,011 --> 00:40:45,947
- Oh, like in the
"Bonanza"? (laughs)
830
00:40:45,980 --> 00:40:50,952
- No, no. This little
guy is a Joe too.
831
00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:52,853
- Hey, hey, Little Joe.
832
00:40:52,887 --> 00:40:55,089
- Who you calling little?
- Ow.
833
00:40:55,122 --> 00:40:56,557
- Big Joe and Little Joe,
834
00:40:56,590 --> 00:40:58,926
the first thing we're gonna
cover is the snowplow.
835
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:00,528
- Mm-hmm.
- Just watch me.
836
00:41:00,561 --> 00:41:02,730
It's very simple, okay?
- Okay.
837
00:41:03,864 --> 00:41:05,433
- That's it. Okay?
838
00:41:06,434 --> 00:41:08,468
Go forward and
you're gonna bend.
839
00:41:13,074 --> 00:41:14,709
(Joe whimpers and laughS)
840
00:41:14,742 --> 00:41:16,210
Come on.
841
00:41:16,243 --> 00:41:18,679
- I think I'm doing it.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
842
00:41:18,713 --> 00:41:21,115
Uh-huh. You're really doing it.
843
00:41:21,148 --> 00:41:23,150
There you go.
(Joe laughing)
844
00:41:23,184 --> 00:41:27,321
Wow. Good job.
845
00:41:31,726 --> 00:41:33,493
That was amazing.
846
00:41:33,527 --> 00:41:36,163
(bright music)
847
00:41:41,969 --> 00:41:43,337
- [John] Yeah!
848
00:41:43,371 --> 00:41:47,174
(instructor and Joe shouting)
849
00:41:50,211 --> 00:41:51,946
- This is so fun.
850
00:41:51,979 --> 00:41:54,048
- It is, isn't it?
851
00:41:54,081 --> 00:41:56,917
I just wish I knew
where your father was.
852
00:41:56,951 --> 00:41:58,552
- Dip it in the sauce.
Dip it in the sauce.
853
00:41:58,586 --> 00:42:00,621
Yeah. Okay.
854
00:42:00,654 --> 00:42:02,156
Good job, Little Joe.
855
00:42:02,189 --> 00:42:03,791
Side of mayo. Side of mayo.
856
00:42:03,824 --> 00:42:05,026
Hit it. Hit it.
857
00:42:05,059 --> 00:42:06,327
Okay.
858
00:42:08,429 --> 00:42:10,197
Okay, Big Joe. Come on.
859
00:42:11,165 --> 00:42:12,400
You gotta want it. Come on, bud.
860
00:42:12,433 --> 00:42:14,802
Come on Joe. Come on, Joe.
861
00:42:17,371 --> 00:42:18,372
- Dad? Dad?
862
00:42:21,175 --> 00:42:24,245
- we are out here
skiing kind of.
863
00:42:24,278 --> 00:42:26,213
You're, you're
doing really good.
864
00:42:26,247 --> 00:42:27,715
You're doing really
good, Big Joe.
865
00:42:27,748 --> 00:42:29,116
Super, super proud of you.
866
00:42:30,051 --> 00:42:33,454
(distressing music)
867
00:42:33,487 --> 00:42:35,524
Big Joe, my dude.
868
00:42:36,857 --> 00:42:39,026
Little Joe, you did great.
869
00:42:40,161 --> 00:42:43,064
Big Joe, how's your
insurance? (laughs)
870
00:42:43,097 --> 00:42:44,298
I'm just, I'm just
funnin' with you.
871
00:42:44,331 --> 00:42:46,333
Just, just take
it easy up there.
872
00:42:46,367 --> 00:42:47,935
Remember what I showed you.
873
00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:52,940
And you'll be king of the
bunny hill in, in no time.
874
00:42:52,973 --> 00:42:56,477
- Big baby on the
bunny hill. (laughs)
875
00:42:58,245 --> 00:43:00,714
- How we doing, sir?
- Oh, good.
876
00:43:00,748 --> 00:43:03,150
All right. Step right on up.
877
00:43:08,122 --> 00:43:09,123
- Here we go, sir.
878
00:43:09,156 --> 00:43:10,891
- Okay.
- Enjoy the ride.
879
00:43:10,925 --> 00:43:13,327
(Joe yelps)
880
00:43:14,995 --> 00:43:16,764
- Yeah. Where is Dad?
881
00:43:16,797 --> 00:43:19,033
- [John And Caroline] Dad?
882
00:43:28,543 --> 00:43:29,610
(mellow music)
883
00:43:29,643 --> 00:43:31,278
- That was more
like a bunny hill.
884
00:43:33,747 --> 00:43:35,916
- Where the hell have you been?
885
00:43:35,950 --> 00:43:37,618
We were worried sick.
886
00:43:37,651 --> 00:43:41,021
We thought you slammed into
a tree or flew over a cliff.
887
00:43:41,055 --> 00:43:42,656
- That'd be more dignified.
888
00:43:43,691 --> 00:43:45,192
You know the Goliath
Mountain gives
889
00:43:45,226 --> 00:43:48,162
every first-timer who
skis down the bunny trail
890
00:43:48,195 --> 00:43:50,865
a little bunny
rabbit's foot thing.
891
00:43:50,898 --> 00:43:51,866
- Oh. Yeah.
892
00:43:53,300 --> 00:43:55,469
- Yeah. One of those.
893
00:43:55,504 --> 00:43:57,572
- Where's yours?
894
00:43:57,606 --> 00:44:00,274
- It's, uh, hopping
down some trail
895
00:44:00,307 --> 00:44:01,775
in the forest somewhere.
896
00:44:05,279 --> 00:44:06,714
- Let's go get dinner, huh?
- Yeah.
897
00:44:08,382 --> 00:44:09,750
- We need all our strength
898
00:44:09,783 --> 00:44:12,253
for tomorrow's tennis lesson
with McEnroe, remember?
899
00:44:15,089 --> 00:44:16,357
Come on, kids.
900
00:44:17,526 --> 00:44:20,928
- Uh, I just, I just
need to do something.
901
00:44:20,961 --> 00:44:22,564
Just, uh, just...
902
00:44:22,597 --> 00:44:23,864
- Whoa, whoa, where you going?
903
00:44:23,898 --> 00:44:25,733
- Oh, I'll be back in a sec.
904
00:44:25,766 --> 00:44:28,335
I, I, I'll, I'll see you soon.
905
00:44:29,937 --> 00:44:30,871
- Hi.
- Hi.
906
00:44:30,905 --> 00:44:32,006
- I'd like, like a photo please.
907
00:44:32,039 --> 00:44:33,374
- Can I see your
Black Diamond badge?
908
00:44:33,407 --> 00:44:35,476
- My what?
- Your Black Diamond badge.
909
00:44:35,510 --> 00:44:37,178
You got one when you
completed the run, right?
910
00:44:37,211 --> 00:44:38,746
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I had one.
911
00:44:38,779 --> 00:44:40,549
I think it flew off when I was
skiing down the ninth thing.
912
00:44:40,582 --> 00:44:43,450
- Yes. Sorry, I can't take
your photo without the badge.
913
00:44:43,484 --> 00:44:46,621
- Oh. Uh, mm, let's, uh.
914
00:44:46,655 --> 00:44:48,657
- Hey, night skiing just
opened up. You wanna go ride?
915
00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:50,357
- I am working.
- Oh yeah, that's great idea.
916
00:44:50,391 --> 00:44:51,792
Oh, look, I, I, I, I
can take care of this.
917
00:44:51,825 --> 00:44:52,793
You, you can go.
- Are you sure?
918
00:44:52,826 --> 00:44:55,029
- Yeah. You guys
go have some fun
919
00:44:55,062 --> 00:44:56,931
that's really dumb-
- All right, let's go.
920
00:44:56,964 --> 00:44:58,065
Let's go.
- and stupid.
921
00:44:58,098 --> 00:45:00,067
All right, here we go. Oh, uh.
922
00:45:02,469 --> 00:45:03,370
Okay. Oh!
923
00:45:04,271 --> 00:45:06,106
That's good.
(shutter clicks)
924
00:45:06,140 --> 00:45:07,609
(lighthearted music)
I can't believe it.
925
00:45:07,642 --> 00:45:08,976
Finally gonna get
a tennis lesson
926
00:45:09,009 --> 00:45:10,411
by the number-one
tennis champion
927
00:45:10,444 --> 00:45:12,379
of the world, John McEnroe.
928
00:45:12,413 --> 00:45:15,349
- I hate to admit it,
but this is exciting.
929
00:45:16,585 --> 00:45:18,553
- Is he that toe fungus guy?
930
00:45:18,587 --> 00:45:20,854
- "For toes that play tennis."
931
00:45:20,888 --> 00:45:22,557
- W- what are they
talking about?
932
00:45:22,591 --> 00:45:24,858
- He did a commercial
for toe fungus.
933
00:45:25,993 --> 00:45:28,262
It had a cartoon of two
toes playing tennis.
934
00:45:28,295 --> 00:45:29,598
The kids laughed.
935
00:45:29,631 --> 00:45:31,065
- Okay, well let's
not bring that up.
936
00:45:31,098 --> 00:45:33,500
It might not have been
McEnroe's finest moment.
937
00:45:35,736 --> 00:45:38,540
- You're a bunch of losers!
938
00:45:38,573 --> 00:45:40,274
- Especially you grandma.
939
00:45:40,307 --> 00:45:42,977
- That's right. You never
once charged the net.
940
00:45:43,010 --> 00:45:44,613
You know, you sat
back on the baseline,
941
00:45:44,646 --> 00:45:46,747
you blamed everything on
your double hip replacement.
942
00:45:46,780 --> 00:45:47,948
Unbelievable.
943
00:45:50,050 --> 00:45:50,918
- What is that?
944
00:45:52,753 --> 00:45:55,322
- I dunno. I'll be right back.
945
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:01,262
Hi.
946
00:46:01,295 --> 00:46:02,564
I, I'm, I'm just
here with my family
947
00:46:02,597 --> 00:46:04,098
for the tennis lesson.
948
00:46:05,432 --> 00:46:08,302
I was just wondering, what
was that jungle gym thing?
949
00:46:08,335 --> 00:46:09,236
What's the deal with that?
950
00:46:09,270 --> 00:46:11,472
- Oh, the extreme ninja course.
951
00:46:11,506 --> 00:46:12,806
- Yeah.
952
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:14,008
- Tennis isn't as
popular as it used to be,
953
00:46:14,041 --> 00:46:16,143
so we had to roll with the times
954
00:46:16,176 --> 00:46:20,381
and, and people love anything
extreme anyways, right?
955
00:46:20,414 --> 00:46:24,251
- Uh, I heard that John
McEnroe was gonna be here.
956
00:46:24,285 --> 00:46:26,854
I see a lot of people who
look and sound like McEnroe,
957
00:46:26,887 --> 00:46:28,989
but I don't actually see-
958
00:46:29,023 --> 00:46:30,257
- Yeah.
- John McEnroe.
959
00:46:30,291 --> 00:46:31,258
- You heard right,
960
00:46:31,292 --> 00:46:33,794
but you didn't.
- Uh, excuse me.
961
00:46:33,827 --> 00:46:38,299
- It's John, Mac,
and Ro Dablonski.
962
00:46:38,332 --> 00:46:40,367
They're our onsite tennis pros
963
00:46:40,401 --> 00:46:42,202
And they're actually
fraternal triplets.
964
00:46:42,236 --> 00:46:44,371
Their parents are big
fans of Johnny Mac
965
00:46:44,405 --> 00:46:47,207
so, you know, named
them accordingly.
966
00:46:47,241 --> 00:46:49,678
It does confuse
people sometimes.
967
00:46:49,711 --> 00:46:51,912
Sir, sir, the clock is ticking
968
00:46:51,945 --> 00:46:54,248
and I do not want
them mad with me.
969
00:46:54,281 --> 00:46:57,017
Last time they made me
climb the extreme rope.
970
00:47:03,457 --> 00:47:06,827
- You came here to play, right?
971
00:47:08,228 --> 00:47:11,332
- Mac asked you if you
came here to play, did ya?
972
00:47:12,132 --> 00:47:13,702
- [Children] Yeah!
973
00:47:15,537 --> 00:47:17,404
- We started this facility
in honor of one of
974
00:47:17,438 --> 00:47:20,809
the world's all-time
tennis grades, Johnny Mac.
975
00:47:23,377 --> 00:47:26,548
(magical music)
976
00:47:26,581 --> 00:47:28,482
Again, if you've never
been here before,
977
00:47:28,516 --> 00:47:32,520
please pay a visit to our
Johnny Mac tribute wall
978
00:47:32,554 --> 00:47:33,822
where you'll find a wide array
979
00:47:33,854 --> 00:47:37,491
of his original passion rackets.
980
00:47:37,525 --> 00:47:39,293
- Uh, what's a passion racket?
981
00:47:41,796 --> 00:47:43,030
- What's a passion?
982
00:47:43,063 --> 00:47:45,734
It's a racket that
Johnny Mac sacrificed
983
00:47:45,767 --> 00:47:47,334
for his passion for the game.
984
00:47:47,368 --> 00:47:50,505
- Oh, you mean like
when he lost his shit?
985
00:47:53,708 --> 00:47:54,609
- Ninja.
986
00:47:55,442 --> 00:47:57,044
- Ninja? Why?
987
00:47:57,077 --> 00:47:59,647
- Ninja course!
988
00:48:02,584 --> 00:48:03,852
- For the rest of you,
989
00:48:03,884 --> 00:48:05,953
let's line up and do a
return-and-serve drill.
990
00:48:08,455 --> 00:48:10,924
Let's go!
- Move! (roars)
991
00:48:12,660 --> 00:48:16,263
(energetic determined music)
992
00:48:16,296 --> 00:48:18,298
- All right, let's
start with forehand.
993
00:48:24,138 --> 00:48:25,640
- Crying out loud.
994
00:48:25,673 --> 00:48:29,243
(Mac and Ro laugh)
- Next!
995
00:48:34,915 --> 00:48:35,817
- Come on.
996
00:48:39,086 --> 00:48:39,987
- Next!
997
00:48:48,162 --> 00:48:52,366
(energetic determined
music continues)
998
00:48:52,399 --> 00:48:55,804
(ball machine thunking)
999
00:48:57,505 --> 00:48:58,540
(Dablonskis laughing)
1000
00:48:58,573 --> 00:49:02,009
- Ow!
- Yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
1001
00:49:03,076 --> 00:49:05,312
You've got to be kidding!
- Come on.
1002
00:49:05,345 --> 00:49:06,947
- No, it's the, the grip.
1003
00:49:06,980 --> 00:49:08,048
I can't get a good...
1004
00:49:08,081 --> 00:49:09,383
You realize if Johnny Mac
1005
00:49:09,416 --> 00:49:11,519
made an excuse for every
time he missed a shot,
1006
00:49:11,553 --> 00:49:12,986
he would never have
gone toe to toe
1007
00:49:13,020 --> 00:49:15,623
with some of the
greatest of all time.
1008
00:49:15,657 --> 00:49:16,624
- Toe to toe, huh?
1009
00:49:16,658 --> 00:49:19,193
Yeah. He knows a lot about toes.
1010
00:49:19,226 --> 00:49:22,630
- Excuse me?
- Joe, don't.
1011
00:49:24,498 --> 00:49:28,268
- Oh, your hero Johnny Mac,
1012
00:49:28,302 --> 00:49:30,805
he knows a lot about toes.
1013
00:49:30,839 --> 00:49:32,640
- What's that supposed to mean?
1014
00:49:32,674 --> 00:49:35,577
- I mean, toe fungus.
I mean, come on.
1015
00:49:35,610 --> 00:49:38,145
Who in their right mind
does a toe fungus commercial
1016
00:49:38,178 --> 00:49:40,414
with animated toes
playing tennis?
1017
00:49:41,381 --> 00:49:43,885
- Toejemina is a great product.
1018
00:49:43,918 --> 00:49:45,653
- Oh yeah. What's next?
1019
00:49:45,687 --> 00:49:47,822
You know, hemorrhoid
cream commercial
1020
00:49:47,856 --> 00:49:50,825
with like hemorrhoids running
around with tennis rackets?
1021
00:49:50,859 --> 00:49:53,928
Well, (laughs) I'd
love to see that.
1022
00:49:53,962 --> 00:49:55,195
- All right. That's
it, funny man.
1023
00:49:55,229 --> 00:49:57,464
You wanna endorse a
funeral home? Let's go.
1024
00:50:01,001 --> 00:50:02,469
(Joe grunting)
1025
00:50:02,504 --> 00:50:03,303
- Oh gosh, don't look.
1026
00:50:03,337 --> 00:50:04,304
Don't look. Don't look.
1027
00:50:09,042 --> 00:50:11,679
- Oh, that had to hurt. Come on!
1028
00:50:12,981 --> 00:50:14,481
- Say it! Say it!
1029
00:50:17,652 --> 00:50:22,524
Hey, morons, meet my
little friend. (cackles)
1030
00:50:23,658 --> 00:50:26,895
(Dablonskis laughing)
1031
00:50:28,061 --> 00:50:30,865
- Don't do that. Don't.
- Not the children!
1032
00:50:30,899 --> 00:50:33,200
- [John D.] You're
disrespecting the game.
1033
00:50:33,233 --> 00:50:35,570
- How dare you
disrespect Johnny Mac?
1034
00:50:35,603 --> 00:50:36,571
- Yeah?
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
1035
00:50:36,604 --> 00:50:37,972
He won seven Grand Slams.
1036
00:50:38,006 --> 00:50:41,910
He beat Borg and Connors
and Lendl and Gerulaitis!
1037
00:50:41,943 --> 00:50:43,878
- Is that another
form of toe fungus?
1038
00:50:43,912 --> 00:50:46,948
- I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get ya!
1039
00:50:48,048 --> 00:50:49,751
(jaunty music)
1040
00:50:49,784 --> 00:50:51,285
- [Toe Fungus] Me win!
1041
00:50:51,318 --> 00:50:52,787
- [Announcer] Remember, toe
fungus is nobody's fault.
1042
00:50:52,820 --> 00:50:55,523
Ask your doctor if
Toejemina is right for you.
1043
00:50:55,557 --> 00:50:57,157
(dramatic music)
1044
00:50:57,190 --> 00:50:58,358
- Mom, Dad.
1045
00:50:58,392 --> 00:51:00,728
- The crazy tennis
people are on TV.
1046
00:51:00,762 --> 00:51:02,764
- Area triplets,
tennis trainers,
1047
00:51:02,797 --> 00:51:04,866
and John McEnroe's biggest fans,
1048
00:51:04,899 --> 00:51:07,167
John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski
1049
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:09,102
were placed under
observation today
1050
00:51:09,136 --> 00:51:12,139
after something in the
three offspring sprung
1051
00:51:12,172 --> 00:51:13,440
while giving lessons
1052
00:51:13,473 --> 00:51:16,176
at Goliath Mountain
Ski and Tennis Resort.
1053
00:51:16,209 --> 00:51:18,713
Video clearly shows
the Dablonskis
1054
00:51:18,746 --> 00:51:21,049
firing tennis balls at attendees
1055
00:51:21,081 --> 00:51:23,851
with high-velocity
ball machines.
1056
00:51:23,885 --> 00:51:27,154
While no fault has yet been
assigned to the Dablonskis,
1057
00:51:27,187 --> 00:51:29,524
it appears there is no love lost
1058
00:51:29,557 --> 00:51:31,726
between them and their students.
1059
00:51:31,759 --> 00:51:35,128
Now, let's see what Susie's
serving up in the weather.
1060
00:51:40,902 --> 00:51:44,639
- So are we finished yet?
1061
00:51:44,672 --> 00:51:45,472
- Finished?
1062
00:51:46,641 --> 00:51:48,843
- With that stupid
Christmas letter.
1063
00:51:50,177 --> 00:51:53,848
So far, the kids have
seen Santa gut a deer.
1064
00:51:53,881 --> 00:51:57,317
We ruined New Year's Eve for
untold millions of people.
1065
00:51:57,351 --> 00:52:00,454
And today they witnessed a
family of nut-job tennis pros
1066
00:52:00,487 --> 00:52:02,790
with an unhealthy
obsession for John McEnroe
1067
00:52:02,824 --> 00:52:05,492
have a major psychotic
breakdown, in unison,
1068
00:52:05,526 --> 00:52:08,395
over his role in a
toe fungus commercial.
1069
00:52:08,428 --> 00:52:10,064
- Yeah, but I, I, I,
couldn't control that.
1070
00:52:10,098 --> 00:52:12,700
I mean-
- No, you can't.
1071
00:52:12,734 --> 00:52:15,937
So then why are you trying
to control our lives?
1072
00:52:15,970 --> 00:52:17,170
- What do you mean?
1073
00:52:17,204 --> 00:52:18,873
- Is any of this real?
1074
00:52:19,874 --> 00:52:21,943
Where's your Black
Diamond badge?
1075
00:52:21,976 --> 00:52:23,343
Are you gonna put photos
1076
00:52:23,377 --> 00:52:25,379
of the attack of the ball
machine in the letter?
1077
00:52:25,412 --> 00:52:27,147
- No. (laughs)
- No, exactly.
1078
00:52:27,180 --> 00:52:30,985
Because reality isn't
as pleasing as fantasy.
1079
00:52:31,019 --> 00:52:34,354
- But I mean, isn't it the
whole point is to show people,
1080
00:52:34,388 --> 00:52:36,557
I mean, how much fun
we've been having.
1081
00:52:36,591 --> 00:52:37,859
- We're not having fun.
1082
00:52:39,493 --> 00:52:41,461
- It hasn't been all
that bad, has it?
1083
00:52:43,497 --> 00:52:45,099
I mean, you've,
you've had some fun.
1084
00:52:45,133 --> 00:52:49,804
I mean, skiing and hanging
out with all the kids, I mean,
1085
00:52:52,674 --> 00:52:54,575
isn't that what it's all about?
1086
00:53:02,215 --> 00:53:04,552
I organized a, a special day
1087
00:53:04,585 --> 00:53:06,954
just for the two of us at a spa.
1088
00:53:06,988 --> 00:53:09,456
(gentle music)
1089
00:53:09,489 --> 00:53:10,892
- Really?
- Yeah.
1090
00:53:11,893 --> 00:53:13,795
We're gonna get carp pedicures.
1091
00:53:14,729 --> 00:53:15,730
- What?
- Yeah.
1092
00:53:15,763 --> 00:53:17,598
- Carp like as, fish carp?
1093
00:53:17,632 --> 00:53:19,167
- Yeah. (chuckles)
1094
00:53:19,199 --> 00:53:21,903
Yeah. So what you do is
you have a glass of wine
1095
00:53:21,936 --> 00:53:23,470
and you put your feet
in this little tub
1096
00:53:23,504 --> 00:53:24,706
and, and the carp come
1097
00:53:24,739 --> 00:53:27,842
and they eat all
your dead skin cells.
1098
00:53:27,875 --> 00:53:29,177
I mean, sounds kind of gross,
1099
00:53:29,209 --> 00:53:31,478
but you know, it's
doesn't hurt or anything.
1100
00:53:31,512 --> 00:53:35,315
It feels kind of tingly
and it's very therapeutic.
1101
00:53:35,348 --> 00:53:38,351
And you always complaining
about your heel thing.
1102
00:53:38,385 --> 00:53:42,123
So what do you think? It's
gonna be great, I think.
1103
00:53:44,324 --> 00:53:48,062
(distressing festive music)
1104
00:53:56,269 --> 00:54:00,007
(distressing festive
music continues)
1105
00:54:00,041 --> 00:54:02,043
Who knew the carp would
be so hungry, huh?
1106
00:54:06,313 --> 00:54:09,382
(keyboard clacking)
1107
00:54:18,358 --> 00:54:21,896
(keyboard continues clacking)
1108
00:54:21,929 --> 00:54:24,899
(boat horn blares)
1109
00:54:27,434 --> 00:54:29,402
- This is my kind of weather.
1110
00:54:29,436 --> 00:54:31,239
- Yeah. Ope.
(phone buzzing)
1111
00:54:31,271 --> 00:54:33,608
All right. Better get this.
1112
00:54:34,842 --> 00:54:37,812
- Michaels.
- Hello, Clive.
1113
00:54:39,881 --> 00:54:41,015
- Can you hear me, Joe?
1114
00:54:41,048 --> 00:54:43,684
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Yeah, sorry.
1115
00:54:43,718 --> 00:54:46,554
On the heli on the way to
Majorca for a boys' trip.
1116
00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:48,990
Sometimes I can't hear
over these damn rotors.
1117
00:54:52,260 --> 00:54:54,962
- Yeah, I have the same
problem with the rotor brakes.
1118
00:54:54,996 --> 00:54:56,429
- Well, we're excited for you
1119
00:54:56,463 --> 00:54:58,633
to join us for my birthday bash.
1120
00:54:58,666 --> 00:54:59,967
Still set to make the journey?
1121
00:55:00,001 --> 00:55:02,469
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
1122
00:55:02,502 --> 00:55:03,771
- Ah, fantastic.
1123
00:55:03,805 --> 00:55:05,907
Well, Bono's confirmed
1124
00:55:05,940 --> 00:55:07,208
and we might even get a visit
1125
00:55:07,241 --> 00:55:09,677
from our family friend Charles.
1126
00:55:10,611 --> 00:55:12,713
- Like King Charles?
1127
00:55:12,747 --> 00:55:14,015
- The last time I saw him,
1128
00:55:14,048 --> 00:55:15,850
he was up the other
end of my tennis court
1129
00:55:15,883 --> 00:55:19,854
doubled over after I'd beat
his royal ass. (laughs)
1130
00:55:19,887 --> 00:55:21,789
So how's the job going?
1131
00:55:21,823 --> 00:55:25,126
Seen any profit shares
or stock options yet?
1132
00:55:27,595 --> 00:55:32,066
- Yeah, well I was laid off
just before Christmas, so.
1133
00:55:32,099 --> 00:55:35,402
- Oh. Bad luck, Michaels.
1134
00:55:35,435 --> 00:55:37,738
I hope that won't stop
you from visiting us
1135
00:55:37,772 --> 00:55:40,708
and I trust you've got
a generous severance
package there.
1136
00:55:41,609 --> 00:55:43,376
- Yeah, yeah. I, I did.
1137
00:55:43,410 --> 00:55:47,347
In fact, I'm just here at the
Port of Miami with the family.
1138
00:55:47,380 --> 00:55:49,517
We're just about to
get on a luxury cruise.
1139
00:55:49,550 --> 00:55:52,485
- Yeah, well anyway, Michaels,
we're about to take off,
1140
00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:54,722
so I better be on my way.
1141
00:55:54,755 --> 00:55:57,992
You enjoy that and avoid
those tourist traps.
1142
00:55:58,025 --> 00:55:59,293
- Yeah, will do.
1143
00:55:59,327 --> 00:56:00,795
And, and look out for
those helicopter blades
1144
00:56:00,828 --> 00:56:03,197
so they don't, you know, cut
off your head. (chuckles)
1145
00:56:03,231 --> 00:56:06,567
(helicopter buffeting)
1146
00:56:07,535 --> 00:56:08,769
(ship horn blares)
1147
00:56:08,803 --> 00:56:10,638
- [PA] Yeah, guess
the rest of you folks
1148
00:56:10,671 --> 00:56:13,140
are cruising with us down here.
1149
00:56:13,174 --> 00:56:15,475
All aboard for Bahama Mama.
1150
00:56:16,911 --> 00:56:18,779
You just have to climb down
here to the maintenance pier.
1151
00:56:18,813 --> 00:56:19,881
- (sighs) Bloody hell.
1152
00:56:19,914 --> 00:56:21,649
- [PA] It's gonna
be an adventure.
1153
00:56:21,682 --> 00:56:24,752
(keyboard clacking)
1154
00:56:27,420 --> 00:56:31,092
- Hey, John. John, wake up.
1155
00:56:32,392 --> 00:56:33,761
You know what day it is?
1156
00:56:34,829 --> 00:56:37,131
- It's day?
- Well, yeah, it's day.
1157
00:56:37,164 --> 00:56:38,833
But this is, we might get out
1158
00:56:38,866 --> 00:56:42,036
and be able to play
with Tiger Woods day.
1159
00:56:44,705 --> 00:56:47,341
- (groans) Do I have to go?
1160
00:56:47,375 --> 00:56:48,776
- "Do I have to go?"
1161
00:56:48,809 --> 00:56:50,378
You're gonna miss out
on the opportunity
1162
00:56:50,410 --> 00:56:52,914
to play with golf's
living legend,
1163
00:56:52,947 --> 00:56:54,348
the one and only Tiger Woods.
1164
00:56:54,382 --> 00:56:56,784
You wanna sleep
through that? Come on.
1165
00:56:56,817 --> 00:57:00,021
- Isn't he that guy who crashed
his car into a fire hydrant?
1166
00:57:00,054 --> 00:57:01,989
- Yeah, that was, I don't know.
1167
00:57:02,023 --> 00:57:04,225
- Didn't his wife smash
all of his windows
1168
00:57:04,258 --> 00:57:05,159
with one of his golf clubs?
1169
00:57:05,192 --> 00:57:06,761
- No, no, I think she was trying
1170
00:57:06,794 --> 00:57:08,896
to get him outta the car
or something like that.
1171
00:57:08,930 --> 00:57:11,666
- He was only going
five miles an hour.
1172
00:57:11,699 --> 00:57:12,967
- What is this, CSI?
1173
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:15,069
Come on, get out of
bed. This will be fun.
1174
00:57:15,102 --> 00:57:18,172
We'll play golf, we'll
Have a good time. Come on.
1175
00:57:18,205 --> 00:57:19,807
- I hope she's not there.
1176
00:57:19,840 --> 00:57:21,409
- [John] (sighs)
Don't worry about it.
1177
00:57:22,610 --> 00:57:25,346
(gentle music)
1178
00:57:34,422 --> 00:57:36,657
This is supposed to be the
100 Acre Wood Country Club.
1179
00:57:36,691 --> 00:57:37,625
Where, where am I?
1180
00:57:39,593 --> 00:57:40,493
Oh.
1181
00:57:43,431 --> 00:57:47,168
Oh! my God, man, that stinks.
1182
00:57:47,201 --> 00:57:51,806
Um, excuse me, miss, miss.
1183
00:57:51,839 --> 00:57:54,275
Excuse me. I, I think
I'm, I'm a little lost.
1184
00:57:54,308 --> 00:57:58,112
I'm, I'm, I'm looking for
the 100 Acre Woods Golf Club.
1185
00:57:58,145 --> 00:58:00,314
- This is it. Or was it.
1186
00:58:00,348 --> 00:58:01,849
Now it's 10 Acre Woods.
1187
00:58:01,882 --> 00:58:03,584
- Oh, okay.
1188
00:58:03,617 --> 00:58:04,952
W- what? I don't understand.
1189
00:58:04,986 --> 00:58:06,253
What do you, what do you mean?
1190
00:58:06,287 --> 00:58:09,290
- A couple of years ago,
the owners discovered
1191
00:58:09,323 --> 00:58:11,025
there was natural
gas under the course
1192
00:58:11,058 --> 00:58:12,259
and sold it to Gas Co.
1193
00:58:13,327 --> 00:58:15,196
Now, they're fracking
the back nine.
1194
00:58:15,229 --> 00:58:17,598
Hey, hey, hey, and because
of the gas revenue,
1195
00:58:18,399 --> 00:58:19,967
get this, Gas Co. is kind enough
1196
00:58:20,001 --> 00:58:22,970
to give back to the community
and make it a public course.
1197
00:58:24,538 --> 00:58:26,474
- So this is it?
1198
00:58:26,507 --> 00:58:29,477
- It is now one of the most
challenging courses around.
1199
00:58:29,510 --> 00:58:30,578
- Oh my God.
1200
00:58:30,611 --> 00:58:31,846
- See that big tank over there?
1201
00:58:31,879 --> 00:58:33,547
- Mm-hmm.
- Filled with fracking fluid.
1202
00:58:33,581 --> 00:58:35,950
- What?
- Oh! And the ponds!
1203
00:58:38,085 --> 00:58:38,886
- They're on fire.
1204
00:58:38,919 --> 00:58:40,121
Why, why are they-
1205
00:58:40,154 --> 00:58:42,890
- Great use of
wastewater, right?
1206
00:58:42,923 --> 00:58:44,959
We have more water hazards here
1207
00:58:44,992 --> 00:58:47,261
than any other
course in the state.
1208
00:58:49,463 --> 00:58:52,033
(John coughs)
1209
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,511
Course, uh, if your
ball drops in one,
1210
00:59:02,543 --> 00:59:03,377
it's best to ask for drop.
1211
00:59:03,411 --> 00:59:04,311
- Uh-huh.
1212
00:59:07,181 --> 00:59:08,616
- Did we get in a car accident?
1213
00:59:08,649 --> 00:59:09,750
- Uh, no, no, it's fine.
1214
00:59:09,784 --> 00:59:13,654
Shh. We're on a golf
course, I think.
1215
00:59:13,687 --> 00:59:14,889
Um, yeah, look.
1216
00:59:14,922 --> 00:59:16,891
My son, my son and
I, we, we booked in
1217
00:59:16,924 --> 00:59:19,460
a, a private lesson with
a golfing professional.
1218
00:59:19,493 --> 00:59:21,695
I hear he is a bit
of a golfing legend.
1219
00:59:21,729 --> 00:59:23,097
- Tigger Woods.
1220
00:59:23,130 --> 00:59:26,100
- Don't you mean Tiger
Woods, right? Tiger Woods.
1221
00:59:26,133 --> 00:59:28,736
Golfing legend, wears
the green jacket,
1222
00:59:28,769 --> 00:59:30,771
drives into fire hydrants.
1223
00:59:30,805 --> 00:59:33,240
Yeah, it is a typo
in the thing here,
1224
00:59:33,274 --> 00:59:35,943
but I know you mean
Tiger Woods, right?
1225
00:59:35,976 --> 00:59:37,144
- No, it's Tigger.
1226
00:59:38,212 --> 00:59:39,680
I get why you thought
it was a typo.
1227
00:59:39,713 --> 00:59:41,749
I mean, what are the odds
of a guy who plays golf
1228
00:59:41,782 --> 00:59:43,417
being called Tigger Woods?
1229
00:59:43,451 --> 00:59:44,985
- Yeah. What are the odds.
1230
00:59:45,019 --> 00:59:47,088
Right.
- Anyway, uh.
1231
00:59:47,121 --> 00:59:48,355
- Ow!
- People aren't usually
1232
00:59:48,389 --> 00:59:49,690
too happy when they
find out about that.
1233
00:59:49,723 --> 00:59:50,658
- No.
- But, uh,
1234
00:59:50,691 --> 00:59:52,393
Tigger enjoys all the attention.
1235
00:59:52,426 --> 00:59:53,694
He's a happy guy anyway.
1236
00:59:53,727 --> 00:59:55,930
- Okay, great.
1237
00:59:55,963 --> 00:59:57,198
- Yeah. Speak of the devil.
1238
00:59:57,231 --> 00:59:58,432
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1239
00:59:58,466 --> 01:00:00,868
(Tigger imitates
brakes squealing)
1240
01:00:00,901 --> 01:00:02,903
- Hey, I'm Tigger.
1241
01:00:02,937 --> 01:00:04,672
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
1242
01:00:05,906 --> 01:00:08,409
- So you must be what,
Christopher Robin?
1243
01:00:08,442 --> 01:00:09,710
- Robinson, actually.
1244
01:00:10,811 --> 01:00:14,849
Oh, and, um, you
got a little poo.
1245
01:00:14,882 --> 01:00:16,150
- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1246
01:00:16,183 --> 01:00:19,787
Winnie the Pooh, Tigger,
Christopher Robin-son.
1247
01:00:19,820 --> 01:00:22,089
You guys are hilarious.
1248
01:00:22,123 --> 01:00:23,390
- I'm not really sure
what you're getting at,
1249
01:00:23,424 --> 01:00:25,893
but you're literally
standing in dog shit.
1250
01:00:25,926 --> 01:00:27,161
- Aw, crap.
(Tigger laughs)
1251
01:00:27,194 --> 01:00:28,996
Why is there so much
dog shit everywhere?
1252
01:00:29,029 --> 01:00:29,930
Dammit!
1253
01:00:30,798 --> 01:00:32,199
Oh man.
- All right, so,
1254
01:00:32,233 --> 01:00:33,568
should we begin?
1255
01:00:33,602 --> 01:00:35,604
- Begin what?
- You mind being a?
1256
01:00:35,636 --> 01:00:37,004
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1257
01:00:37,037 --> 01:00:39,574
- Thank you. He's gonna
go get him something.
1258
01:00:39,608 --> 01:00:40,407
- Sure.
- Chop chop.
1259
01:00:40,441 --> 01:00:43,711
- Woo-hoo! That was fun.
1260
01:00:43,744 --> 01:00:45,012
- Gimme this. Yeah.
1261
01:00:45,045 --> 01:00:46,313
You wanna make sure you
have one of these babies
1262
01:00:46,347 --> 01:00:47,715
when you're playing
10 Acre Woods.
1263
01:00:47,748 --> 01:00:50,084
If not, you'll be gasping
like a perch on the pier
1264
01:00:50,117 --> 01:00:51,252
by the third tee.
1265
01:00:51,285 --> 01:00:55,923
(Tigger and Christopher laugh)
1266
01:00:55,956 --> 01:00:56,991
- [John] Dad?
1267
01:00:58,292 --> 01:00:59,126
- [Joe] Yes, son.
1268
01:01:01,028 --> 01:01:05,634
- Is this what hell is like?
- Yeah, pretty much.
1269
01:01:05,666 --> 01:01:08,736
(keyboard clacking)
1270
01:01:12,173 --> 01:01:13,073
Ah, yes.
1271
01:01:13,974 --> 01:01:15,976
(mischievous music)
- Joe!
1272
01:01:16,010 --> 01:01:17,778
Whoa, whoa.
- Rich.
1273
01:01:17,811 --> 01:01:20,582
What are you doing
delivering packages this way?
1274
01:01:20,615 --> 01:01:22,483
- Running behind.
Hope you don't mind.
1275
01:01:22,517 --> 01:01:24,586
- No, why would I mind?
That's, that's fine.
1276
01:01:24,619 --> 01:01:26,921
Look, let me get that for you.
1277
01:01:26,954 --> 01:01:30,824
So how did the little procedure
go with your, you know?
1278
01:01:30,858 --> 01:01:32,393
- That snip snip thing?
- Yeah.
1279
01:01:32,426 --> 01:01:36,030
- Oh, well it was
fine for a while.
1280
01:01:36,063 --> 01:01:37,164
- For a while? What do you mean?
1281
01:01:37,198 --> 01:01:39,500
- Yeah, my wife
got pregnant again.
1282
01:01:39,534 --> 01:01:41,636
- Oh.
- I mean, (scoffs)
1283
01:01:41,670 --> 01:01:42,671
I guess it didn't take.
1284
01:01:42,703 --> 01:01:44,038
You know, go figure.
1285
01:01:44,071 --> 01:01:46,240
And it, it stinks too
1286
01:01:46,273 --> 01:01:49,678
because now I gotta
bring the handyman back
1287
01:01:49,710 --> 01:01:52,514
to put an addition on
the house, you know,
1288
01:01:52,547 --> 01:01:54,415
to accommodate the kid.
1289
01:01:54,448 --> 01:01:56,750
And the guy's costing
me an arm and a leg.
1290
01:01:56,784 --> 01:01:58,052
- Mm. Wow.
1291
01:01:58,085 --> 01:02:00,221
- He spent 12 weeks
on our bedroom redo.
1292
01:02:00,254 --> 01:02:02,323
- Whoa.
- It's, it's just ridiculous.
1293
01:02:02,356 --> 01:02:04,458
But, you know, I can't complain.
1294
01:02:04,491 --> 01:02:06,628
The guy's a, he's a craftsman.
1295
01:02:06,661 --> 01:02:08,630
- Hmm. Okay.
- No, my wife can't say
1296
01:02:08,663 --> 01:02:11,365
enough about his
skills with wood.
1297
01:02:11,398 --> 01:02:12,499
- Oh, okay.
1298
01:02:13,767 --> 01:02:16,737
Well look, I hate to take
the packages and run,
1299
01:02:16,770 --> 01:02:20,808
but I think I left something on.
1300
01:02:20,841 --> 01:02:22,042
Maybe it's the oven.
1301
01:02:22,076 --> 01:02:23,944
- Well, thank you
for keeping me busy.
1302
01:02:23,978 --> 01:02:25,680
- Yeah, yeah. No thanks.
1303
01:02:25,714 --> 01:02:27,314
Thanks, Rich.
- And thank you too, Deb.
1304
01:02:27,348 --> 01:02:28,916
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
1305
01:02:28,949 --> 01:02:30,017
Thanks, Rich.
- Yeah.
1306
01:02:30,050 --> 01:02:30,784
- All right. All right.
- See ya.
1307
01:02:30,818 --> 01:02:31,720
- See ya.
1308
01:02:34,788 --> 01:02:37,726
(aggressive music)
1309
01:02:45,866 --> 01:02:49,671
(aggressive music continues)
1310
01:02:58,212 --> 01:03:01,849
(aggressive music continues)
1311
01:03:04,918 --> 01:03:06,787
- (chuckles) Oh,
what do you think?
1312
01:03:07,855 --> 01:03:10,457
This is our year.
This is our time.
1313
01:03:10,491 --> 01:03:12,527
We're gonna go to Clive
Hammersmith's party
1314
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:14,529
and we're gonna live
it up on his dime.
1315
01:03:15,664 --> 01:03:17,464
- I'm just having
second thoughts, it's-
1316
01:03:17,498 --> 01:03:19,066
- No, it's fine.
1317
01:03:19,099 --> 01:03:21,302
People go across the Atlantic
on private jets all the time.
1318
01:03:21,335 --> 01:03:23,437
Besides, it's gonna look
great in the Christmas letter.
1319
01:03:23,470 --> 01:03:25,839
(laughs) Woo-hoo.
Yeah, here we go.
1320
01:03:25,873 --> 01:03:28,342
- This is exactly what
I'm talking about.
1321
01:03:29,443 --> 01:03:30,244
- Is this all?
1322
01:03:30,277 --> 01:03:31,078
- Yeah. Yeah.
1323
01:03:31,111 --> 01:03:32,580
Do you need my ticket?
1324
01:03:32,614 --> 01:03:34,716
'Cause I bought it online
with the, the discount site.
1325
01:03:34,749 --> 01:03:36,083
It was a two-for-one
deal with a payment plan.
1326
01:03:36,116 --> 01:03:38,085
- Oh no, that's just fine.
I can, I can take that.
1327
01:03:38,118 --> 01:03:38,919
- Cool. Great.
1328
01:03:38,952 --> 01:03:40,020
Oh. Oh, ah.
1329
01:03:40,054 --> 01:03:43,090
Can I get a selfie
with everybody?
1330
01:03:44,358 --> 01:03:45,560
Yeah you can be in this. Yeah.
1331
01:03:45,593 --> 01:03:47,027
There we go.
1332
01:03:47,061 --> 01:03:48,062
Look at that jet. Look at that.
1333
01:03:48,095 --> 01:03:50,130
(laughs) Awesome.
1334
01:03:50,164 --> 01:03:51,999
All right, let's
do it. Here we go.
1335
01:03:54,101 --> 01:03:55,836
- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.
1336
01:04:02,811 --> 01:04:06,213
(gentle hopeful music)
1337
01:04:08,215 --> 01:04:10,552
- This is nicer
than our bedroom.
1338
01:04:10,585 --> 01:04:11,852
- Oh, I wouldn't
go as far as that.
1339
01:04:11,885 --> 01:04:13,588
But it, it's pretty nice.
1340
01:04:21,862 --> 01:04:24,031
- This is molten hot!
1341
01:04:24,064 --> 01:04:26,100
Where do they heat
those, in the engines?
1342
01:04:26,133 --> 01:04:27,468
Get me another towel
1343
01:04:27,501 --> 01:04:30,204
that won't require plastic
surgery after I use it.
1344
01:04:31,038 --> 01:04:33,874
(farcical music)
1345
01:04:40,749 --> 01:04:42,617
- Here you are, sir.
- About time.
1346
01:04:46,253 --> 01:04:49,089
I want to open my pores.
1347
01:04:49,123 --> 01:04:51,091
Open. Get it?
1348
01:04:51,125 --> 01:04:54,395
This, this tepid rag ain't
going to cut it honey.
1349
01:04:54,428 --> 01:04:55,530
No thanks.
1350
01:04:58,899 --> 01:05:00,367
- Someone needs to
shut this guy up.
1351
01:05:00,401 --> 01:05:01,969
He's being a real jerk.
1352
01:05:02,002 --> 01:05:03,738
- It's a long flight.
1353
01:05:03,772 --> 01:05:06,273
I don't need an
international incident, okay?
1354
01:05:08,108 --> 01:05:11,412
- Okay. Okay. (chuckles)
1355
01:05:11,445 --> 01:05:12,580
Yeah.
1356
01:05:12,614 --> 01:05:13,815
- Um, we're offering
a light snack
1357
01:05:13,848 --> 01:05:16,684
of either chicken
or avocado sandwich.
1358
01:05:16,718 --> 01:05:19,086
- Oh, I will have the chicken.
1359
01:05:19,119 --> 01:05:20,889
- Yeah, make it two, thanks.
1360
01:05:20,921 --> 01:05:24,258
- [Maggie] Very good.
1361
01:05:24,291 --> 01:05:26,694
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
1362
01:05:31,131 --> 01:05:32,634
- I'll have the chicken too.
1363
01:05:32,667 --> 01:05:34,101
- I'm sorry sir,
1364
01:05:34,134 --> 01:05:36,970
but for some reason those
are the last two chicken.
1365
01:05:37,004 --> 01:05:38,439
- What!?
1366
01:05:38,472 --> 01:05:41,241
- Oh, you can have my
chicken sandwich if you like.
1367
01:05:42,443 --> 01:05:45,212
- Well give it to me then.
1368
01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:46,180
- Sure. Here.
1369
01:05:49,116 --> 01:05:51,853
(playful music)
1370
01:05:57,124 --> 01:06:00,194
(keyboard clacking)
1371
01:06:05,733 --> 01:06:07,100
- You're kidding, right?
1372
01:06:07,134 --> 01:06:10,304
- No, I mean those Icelandic
dudes were pretty cool.
1373
01:06:11,071 --> 01:06:12,239
- Well you're lucky.
1374
01:06:13,541 --> 01:06:16,544
Thank God those flight
attendants vouched for you.
1375
01:06:16,578 --> 01:06:18,813
Priscilla told them you
were a hero and Maggie said
1376
01:06:18,847 --> 01:06:22,082
you gave "that duffer a
right, good bollocking."
1377
01:06:22,115 --> 01:06:23,785
- Uh, yeah.
1378
01:06:23,818 --> 01:06:25,118
And look where it got us.
1379
01:06:26,019 --> 01:06:27,087
The trip was gonna be the icing
1380
01:06:27,120 --> 01:06:28,890
on the Christmas letter cake.
1381
01:06:28,923 --> 01:06:30,457
Our coup de gras,
1382
01:06:30,491 --> 01:06:32,459
or coop de grass, or
whatever you call it.
1383
01:06:32,493 --> 01:06:33,595
(phone ringing)
1384
01:06:33,628 --> 01:06:37,732
Oh, uh, do you want me-
- Go ahead.
1385
01:06:37,765 --> 01:06:42,035
- Okay. (exhales
sharply) Hi, Tony.
1386
01:06:42,069 --> 01:06:43,103
(playful music)
1387
01:06:43,136 --> 01:06:44,171
- Oh it's you.
1388
01:06:46,541 --> 01:06:50,077
I heard you grounded a
transatlantic flight.
1389
01:06:51,579 --> 01:06:53,013
Well, thanks for
putting my daughter
1390
01:06:53,046 --> 01:06:55,683
on the terrorist watch list.
1391
01:06:55,717 --> 01:06:58,252
Remind me never to
travel with you.
1392
01:06:58,285 --> 01:07:00,788
Probably end up getting
a cavity search.
1393
01:07:01,856 --> 01:07:03,090
- Yeah, probably.
1394
01:07:03,123 --> 01:07:04,759
But they still wouldn't
find your soul up there,
1395
01:07:04,792 --> 01:07:05,693
that's for sure.
1396
01:07:06,561 --> 01:07:08,228
- Put my daughter on the phone!
1397
01:07:09,396 --> 01:07:11,900
- Fine. Here's Krampus.
1398
01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:15,369
- Dad? Look, we're in
the middle of something.
1399
01:07:15,402 --> 01:07:18,006
Can I call you back? Okay.
1400
01:07:22,109 --> 01:07:23,343
You ever think that
1401
01:07:23,377 --> 01:07:27,214
what actually might make
your letter special,
1402
01:07:27,247 --> 01:07:29,517
the thing that will
truly make it stand out,
1403
01:07:30,752 --> 01:07:33,988
might not be about what
you've done for yourself,
1404
01:07:34,022 --> 01:07:37,291
but maybe about what
you've done for others.
1405
01:07:40,093 --> 01:07:41,696
It's the Christmas season, Joe.
1406
01:07:42,630 --> 01:07:44,364
What about doing something
1407
01:07:44,398 --> 01:07:46,935
that's not about
building up your own ego?
1408
01:07:49,236 --> 01:07:51,906
- Building. Building, yeah.
1409
01:07:53,073 --> 01:07:54,642
That's a great idea.
1410
01:07:55,877 --> 01:07:59,413
Why don't we build one of
those Homes for Humans?
1411
01:07:59,446 --> 01:08:00,949
- Now, that's a great idea.
1412
01:08:00,982 --> 01:08:03,350
- Yeah. 'Cause that's
what this letter needs.
1413
01:08:03,383 --> 01:08:04,953
It needs some heart.
- Yeah.
1414
01:08:04,986 --> 01:08:06,988
- The Hammersmith letter
has no heart at all.
1415
01:08:07,021 --> 01:08:08,957
- Well, no, but-
- Yeah. No, no.
1416
01:08:08,990 --> 01:08:10,357
- It's gonna be great.
1417
01:08:10,390 --> 01:08:12,060
So not only do we do cool
things for ourselves.
1418
01:08:12,125 --> 01:08:13,293
(chuckles) "Look at us." Yeah.
1419
01:08:13,327 --> 01:08:16,196
But we also do cool
things for others.
1420
01:08:16,229 --> 01:08:19,199
Yeah, I can see it now, the
before and after photos.
1421
01:08:19,232 --> 01:08:20,635
- Wait-
- There's us and we're,
1422
01:08:20,668 --> 01:08:21,869
"Oh, the Michaels are coming!"
1423
01:08:21,903 --> 01:08:23,337
And we're gonna build this house
1424
01:08:23,370 --> 01:08:25,640
for these poor people
and these homeless people
1425
01:08:25,673 --> 01:08:27,107
and they come in there
and they're all happy
1426
01:08:27,140 --> 01:08:28,375
and everyone's gonna
go "Look at this."
1427
01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,377
Oh my. (chuckles) Oh,
this is brilliant.
1428
01:08:31,646 --> 01:08:34,414
Deb, you might have just
saved the Christmas letter.
1429
01:08:35,315 --> 01:08:38,385
(Joe laughs)
(gentle music)
1430
01:08:38,418 --> 01:08:39,554
(laughs) Yes.
1431
01:08:44,659 --> 01:08:46,894
Hi. We're here to
help build a house.
1432
01:08:46,928 --> 01:08:49,296
- Great. Martin Kennedy.
1433
01:08:49,329 --> 01:08:50,230
Can I get your last name?
1434
01:08:50,263 --> 01:08:51,566
- Uh, we're the Michaels.
1435
01:08:53,400 --> 01:08:54,702
- I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,
1436
01:08:54,736 --> 01:08:56,070
I don't see your names
on the volunteer list.
1437
01:08:56,104 --> 01:08:58,072
- We're kind of being
a little spontaneous
1438
01:08:58,106 --> 01:08:59,439
and, you know, we
kind of got caught up
1439
01:08:59,473 --> 01:09:01,174
in the whole materialism
of everything
1440
01:09:01,208 --> 01:09:03,143
and I thought, you know,
I wanted to show the kids
1441
01:09:03,176 --> 01:09:05,379
what it's really all
about, giving back,
1442
01:09:05,412 --> 01:09:09,083
and what a better thing to do
and then help build a house.
1443
01:09:09,117 --> 01:09:11,753
- It's mighty nice
of you, Mr. Michaels.
1444
01:09:11,786 --> 01:09:12,887
And I would sure hate to ruin
1445
01:09:12,920 --> 01:09:15,188
such a wonderful
lesson for the kids.
1446
01:09:15,222 --> 01:09:16,991
- Oh, I appreciate that, Martin.
1447
01:09:17,025 --> 01:09:18,660
Can I call you Martin?
- Sure thing.
1448
01:09:18,693 --> 01:09:20,728
Uh?
- Joe.
1449
01:09:20,762 --> 01:09:23,131
- Joe.
(both chuckle)
1450
01:09:23,163 --> 01:09:24,565
- Well is there
anything we could do?
1451
01:09:24,599 --> 01:09:26,701
Can you help us out?
1452
01:09:26,734 --> 01:09:29,037
- Yeah. Mr. Michaels,
you and the-
1453
01:09:29,070 --> 01:09:30,905
- Oh, call me Deb.
1454
01:09:30,938 --> 01:09:32,472
- Deb.
1455
01:09:32,507 --> 01:09:35,109
You and the kids can help out
over there with landscaping.
1456
01:09:35,143 --> 01:09:36,476
And Joe, I could
sure use some help
1457
01:09:36,511 --> 01:09:37,979
with some light plumbing.
1458
01:09:38,012 --> 01:09:39,781
- Great.
- I'm short a plumber,
1459
01:09:39,814 --> 01:09:42,016
our deadline's only
three days away.
1460
01:09:42,050 --> 01:09:43,718
You know how to
sweat a copper pipe?
1461
01:09:43,751 --> 01:09:45,185
- Uh, well, I know how to sweat.
1462
01:09:45,218 --> 01:09:46,587
So that's a start, right?
1463
01:09:47,955 --> 01:09:49,657
- Okay, well let me get you
set up over here and then-
1464
01:09:49,691 --> 01:09:51,092
- Wait, wait, wait.
1465
01:09:51,125 --> 01:09:52,760
Let me, uh, can I get a selfie,
1466
01:09:52,794 --> 01:09:55,930
just you and all of us
in front of the house?
1467
01:09:55,963 --> 01:09:57,264
- Okay, sure.
1468
01:09:57,297 --> 01:09:58,700
- Uh, say "cheese."
1469
01:09:58,733 --> 01:10:00,267
(shutter clicking)
1470
01:10:00,300 --> 01:10:02,436
- Okay, formalities outta the
way. Now we can get to work.
1471
01:10:02,469 --> 01:10:04,605
- Great. Thanks again Martin.
- So much.
1472
01:10:09,077 --> 01:10:10,111
- Very well.
1473
01:10:10,144 --> 01:10:11,713
This is gonna be the bathroom.
1474
01:10:12,980 --> 01:10:14,281
Here's your torch.
1475
01:10:14,314 --> 01:10:16,017
Just press-
(glass shatters)
1476
01:10:16,050 --> 01:10:17,852
Oh, I better check that out.
- Sure.
1477
01:10:17,885 --> 01:10:19,854
Be right back.
- Okay. Okay.
1478
01:10:23,925 --> 01:10:26,493
(playful music)
1479
01:10:26,527 --> 01:10:31,599
Okay. (exhales sharply)
(shutter clicks)
1480
01:10:32,232 --> 01:10:33,333
(torch whooshing)
1481
01:10:33,366 --> 01:10:36,571
Oh!
(fire engine siren blaring)
1482
01:10:41,776 --> 01:10:46,313
Martin, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
1483
01:10:46,346 --> 01:10:48,381
I was only trying to help.
1484
01:10:48,415 --> 01:10:49,684
It was an accident.
1485
01:10:49,717 --> 01:10:53,221
I, I, didn't mean to
burn down the house.
1486
01:10:54,789 --> 01:10:55,590
Wait.
1487
01:10:57,759 --> 01:10:58,559
- What's up, Joe?
1488
01:10:59,527 --> 01:11:00,895
- What are you doing here?
1489
01:11:00,928 --> 01:11:03,531
- Oh, we were tweaking my
house, but, but then, you know.
1490
01:11:03,564 --> 01:11:04,732
- Well this is your house?
1491
01:11:04,766 --> 01:11:06,200
I burnt down your house?
1492
01:11:06,234 --> 01:11:08,435
- No, Joe. It's all
right. It's just a house.
1493
01:11:08,468 --> 01:11:09,704
It's gonna get rebuilt.
1494
01:11:10,470 --> 01:11:11,672
- I- I...
1495
01:11:11,706 --> 01:11:13,641
- Hey, everything
works out. Remember?
1496
01:11:14,642 --> 01:11:16,010
It's all good, man.
1497
01:11:16,043 --> 01:11:17,477
Take care buddy.
- I don't know what to say.
1498
01:11:17,512 --> 01:11:19,247
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
1499
01:11:21,916 --> 01:11:23,151
I'm sorry.
1500
01:11:23,184 --> 01:11:26,353
(disappointed music)
1501
01:11:35,362 --> 01:11:38,498
(gentle music)
1502
01:11:38,533 --> 01:11:41,135
- Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh! Hello!
1503
01:11:41,169 --> 01:11:43,403
How are you doing?
- Hi, pie.
1504
01:11:43,436 --> 01:11:44,872
- Oh, mom!
- Oh, look at you.
1505
01:11:44,906 --> 01:11:46,073
- You didn't need to
do that. Come on in.
1506
01:11:46,107 --> 01:11:47,340
Come on in.
- Hi, sweetheart.
1507
01:11:47,374 --> 01:11:48,408
- Missed you guys!
- Gosh.
1508
01:11:48,441 --> 01:11:49,544
- Muah!
- It's good to see you.
1509
01:11:49,577 --> 01:11:52,847
- [Grandma] How
tall are you now?
1510
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:55,516
(subdued music)
1511
01:12:03,825 --> 01:12:07,195
(subdued music continues)
1512
01:12:07,228 --> 01:12:09,263
- I know Joe's lay off has
been hard on you, honey,
1513
01:12:09,297 --> 01:12:13,668
but you know, if you need
anything you call us.
1514
01:12:13,701 --> 01:12:15,203
- Thanks, Mom.
1515
01:12:15,236 --> 01:12:18,873
- Need anything? She's
got everything. (coughs)
1516
01:12:18,906 --> 01:12:20,407
No offense little baby girl.
1517
01:12:20,440 --> 01:12:23,978
But you gotta lay off
those shopping channels.
1518
01:12:24,946 --> 01:12:27,014
You know what QVC really means?
1519
01:12:28,316 --> 01:12:31,619
Quickly-vanishing cash. (laughs)
1520
01:12:31,652 --> 01:12:35,156
- Aw. Don't oh.
(all exclaim)
1521
01:12:36,591 --> 01:12:38,425
Speaking of vanishing cash.
1522
01:12:39,861 --> 01:12:43,396
What's this crap I hear about
you cashing out your 401k?
1523
01:12:44,298 --> 01:12:47,935
- I never said a word to him.
1524
01:12:48,769 --> 01:12:50,805
Mom!
- I'm sorry.
1525
01:12:52,673 --> 01:12:53,975
I just couldn't hold it in.
1526
01:12:55,309 --> 01:12:56,811
It just seems so crazy.
1527
01:12:58,045 --> 01:12:59,814
- Because it is crazy.
1528
01:12:59,847 --> 01:13:03,818
Who in their right mind blows
their retirement savings
1529
01:13:03,851 --> 01:13:08,289
just to live out their fantasies
to try and impress others?
1530
01:13:08,322 --> 01:13:09,590
Hm?
- Fantasies?
1531
01:13:09,624 --> 01:13:10,725
Tony, you're the one who wanted
1532
01:13:10,758 --> 01:13:12,894
to become a professional
baseball player
1533
01:13:12,927 --> 01:13:14,228
so you dipped into your savings
1534
01:13:14,262 --> 01:13:16,731
to pay for that
professional baseball camp.
1535
01:13:16,764 --> 01:13:18,299
Then you had to go
back to your savings
1536
01:13:18,332 --> 01:13:19,432
to pay for that lawyer
1537
01:13:19,466 --> 01:13:21,002
to get you outta
that Nolan Ryan case
1538
01:13:21,035 --> 01:13:22,670
that you were involved with.
1539
01:13:22,703 --> 01:13:24,538
- That's son of bitch
brushed me back.
1540
01:13:24,572 --> 01:13:26,207
- Well, you didn't have to
charge the mound, did you?
1541
01:13:26,240 --> 01:13:27,141
- Stop it.
1542
01:13:28,309 --> 01:13:29,644
Stop it.
1543
01:13:29,677 --> 01:13:33,446
I'm sorry. Honey, I just
needed to talk to someone.
1544
01:13:34,615 --> 01:13:37,952
You were so hell bent on
this big plan of yours
1545
01:13:37,985 --> 01:13:40,420
and I was worried
about our finances.
1546
01:13:40,453 --> 01:13:42,623
I needed to vent. That's all.
1547
01:13:45,059 --> 01:13:45,960
- Excuse me.
1548
01:13:52,967 --> 01:13:55,369
(no audio)
1549
01:14:04,011 --> 01:14:06,747
(button clicks)
1550
01:14:08,316 --> 01:14:11,385
(trash bin rustles)
1551
01:14:17,158 --> 01:14:19,994
(water sloshing)
1552
01:14:23,397 --> 01:14:24,832
(bell dings)
1553
01:14:24,865 --> 01:14:28,035
- Mommy! Cookies are ready!
(Deb laughs)
1554
01:14:28,069 --> 01:14:29,370
Okay, hold on.
1555
01:14:29,403 --> 01:14:31,138
Hold on it's hot. Be careful.
1556
01:14:31,172 --> 01:14:33,708
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
1557
01:14:33,741 --> 01:14:35,810
- [John] Bring it on up.
1558
01:14:36,777 --> 01:14:39,680
- [John] Our first
Christmas card.
1559
01:14:44,151 --> 01:14:45,553
- Thanks, buddy.
1560
01:14:48,756 --> 01:14:51,759
(letters rustling)
1561
01:15:01,202 --> 01:15:04,105
(stressful music)
1562
01:15:10,211 --> 01:15:13,247
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
1563
01:15:13,280 --> 01:15:16,751
I hope you're well
and in good spirit.
1564
01:15:16,784 --> 01:15:18,819
As Christmas approaches,
1565
01:15:18,853 --> 01:15:20,621
you know I like to take time out
1566
01:15:20,654 --> 01:15:23,891
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
1567
01:15:23,924 --> 01:15:26,360
and I had the past year.
1568
01:15:26,394 --> 01:15:29,897
The highlight being
my big birthday bash.
1569
01:15:35,136 --> 01:15:37,938
(subdued music)
1570
01:15:41,308 --> 01:15:42,209
- Joe.
1571
01:15:46,547 --> 01:15:47,548
Joe!
1572
01:15:47,581 --> 01:15:50,584
(determined music)
1573
01:15:51,619 --> 01:15:53,921
Joe, you can't do this, no.
1574
01:15:55,956 --> 01:15:59,126
(Deb knocking)
Joe.
1575
01:15:59,160 --> 01:16:02,263
Joe, this is fiction
and you know it!
1576
01:16:03,731 --> 01:16:04,632
Joe!
1577
01:16:07,802 --> 01:16:08,869
Joe, please.
1578
01:16:10,071 --> 01:16:12,206
You can't send this, Joe.
1579
01:16:16,610 --> 01:16:19,847
(door rattles softly)
1580
01:16:20,981 --> 01:16:23,651
- Deb, open the door.
1581
01:16:23,684 --> 01:16:25,653
I just wanna go to bed.
1582
01:16:26,555 --> 01:16:29,757
Thank you. (grunts)
1583
01:16:29,790 --> 01:16:31,092
Come on.
1584
01:16:31,125 --> 01:16:32,827
Fine. I'll sleep
downstairs on the couch.
1585
01:16:32,860 --> 01:16:36,063
Then I can keep an eye out to
see if any packages arrive.
1586
01:16:37,566 --> 01:16:38,567
Oh! Really?
1587
01:16:43,437 --> 01:16:46,073
(gentle music)
1588
01:16:55,716 --> 01:16:59,186
(gentle music continues)
1589
01:17:08,896 --> 01:17:13,968
♪ Silent night ♪
1590
01:17:14,569 --> 01:17:19,006
♪ Holy night ♪
1591
01:17:19,039 --> 01:17:23,878
♪ All is calm ♪
1592
01:17:23,911 --> 01:17:28,983
♪ All is bright ♪
1593
01:17:29,551 --> 01:17:32,052
♪ Sleep in ♪
1594
01:17:32,086 --> 01:17:34,922
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
1595
01:17:40,027 --> 01:17:42,396
(birds chirping)
1596
01:17:42,429 --> 01:17:44,498
- So? Got it out of your system?
1597
01:17:44,533 --> 01:17:47,368
(gentle music)
- Oh yeah.
1598
01:17:47,401 --> 01:17:49,136
Well, almost.
1599
01:17:49,170 --> 01:17:52,339
Just as soon as I drop the
letter off at the post office.
1600
01:17:52,373 --> 01:17:54,543
- And that's it?
- Look, I know you're thinking
1601
01:17:54,576 --> 01:17:57,111
I'm being obsessed with
this Hammersmith letter,
1602
01:17:57,144 --> 01:17:59,648
but, I mean, what kind
of an example do I set
1603
01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:02,617
for you and the kids after
everything I've put you through.
1604
01:18:02,651 --> 01:18:04,351
- Uh, that you're not an idiot.
1605
01:18:04,385 --> 01:18:07,955
Look, you came up with this
idea, hair-brained idea,
1606
01:18:07,988 --> 01:18:09,023
because you lost your job.
1607
01:18:09,056 --> 01:18:10,592
I got that.
1608
01:18:10,625 --> 01:18:12,661
And I wanted to support you.
1609
01:18:12,693 --> 01:18:15,896
You wanted to do things
as a family and I agreed.
1610
01:18:15,930 --> 01:18:17,164
But the next thing I know,
1611
01:18:17,198 --> 01:18:19,867
we are doing things
no one wants to do.
1612
01:18:19,900 --> 01:18:21,969
We are trying to
shoehorn some form
1613
01:18:22,002 --> 01:18:26,173
of manufactured
happiness into our lives
1614
01:18:26,207 --> 01:18:29,276
while overlooking the real
happiness we already have.
1615
01:18:29,310 --> 01:18:30,344
And for what?
1616
01:18:31,145 --> 01:18:32,213
So you could prove something
1617
01:18:32,246 --> 01:18:33,648
that never needed proving?
1618
01:18:35,617 --> 01:18:38,352
Somehow this whole
living well idea
1619
01:18:38,385 --> 01:18:40,221
has morphed into a living hell.
1620
01:18:40,254 --> 01:18:42,356
- Yeah. but living well-
- Is the best revenge.
1621
01:18:42,389 --> 01:18:44,058
Yes. Great.
1622
01:18:44,091 --> 01:18:45,960
Revenge on everyone
and everything that
ever wronged you.
1623
01:18:47,228 --> 01:18:51,465
Go ahead, show them who
the bigger person is, Joe.
1624
01:18:52,567 --> 01:18:54,902
Prove to them you're
nothing like them.
1625
01:18:54,935 --> 01:18:57,438
Mm-hmm. G'ahead, send it.
1626
01:18:57,471 --> 01:19:01,408
- Yeah, I will. I will send it.
1627
01:19:02,510 --> 01:19:05,446
- You can't edit
reality like this Joe.
1628
01:19:05,479 --> 01:19:06,715
And if you send that letter,
1629
01:19:06,747 --> 01:19:08,816
you are no better than
Clive Hammersmith.
1630
01:19:10,317 --> 01:19:11,553
- Yeah.
1631
01:19:11,586 --> 01:19:13,921
You know, the one thing
I learned in advertising
1632
01:19:14,755 --> 01:19:17,057
is perception is reality.
1633
01:19:18,158 --> 01:19:19,193
With this letter,
1634
01:19:20,695 --> 01:19:23,897
I will be better than
Clive Hammersmith.
1635
01:19:25,299 --> 01:19:29,103
We, the Michaels, will be
better than the Hammersmiths.
1636
01:19:29,136 --> 01:19:32,940
- You send that letter, there
might not be a we anymore.
1637
01:19:36,277 --> 01:19:39,013
(subdued music)
1638
01:19:40,848 --> 01:19:43,752
(impactful music)
1639
01:19:52,826 --> 01:19:56,564
(impactful music continues)
1640
01:20:04,739 --> 01:20:08,475
(impactful music continues)
1641
01:20:13,480 --> 01:20:16,283
(water sloshing)
1642
01:20:18,886 --> 01:20:21,556
(gentle music)
1643
01:20:31,098 --> 01:20:34,803
(gentle music continues)
1644
01:20:34,835 --> 01:20:37,572
(water sloshes)
1645
01:20:38,906 --> 01:20:41,543
(brakes squeak)
1646
01:20:49,983 --> 01:20:53,387
(gentle music continues)
1647
01:21:00,729 --> 01:21:02,363
- You got it.
1648
01:21:02,396 --> 01:21:04,064
Hey, boss. How we doing tonight?
1649
01:21:04,098 --> 01:21:07,401
- Good.
- What can I get you?
1650
01:21:07,434 --> 01:21:09,537
- Can I just get
a, uh, craft beer?
1651
01:21:09,571 --> 01:21:11,372
- The closest thing we
got is a Utica Club.
1652
01:21:11,405 --> 01:21:13,508
- Okay. Utica Club sounds good.
1653
01:21:13,541 --> 01:21:15,175
Thanks. Hey.
1654
01:21:20,047 --> 01:21:21,415
- There we are.
- Thanks.
1655
01:21:22,349 --> 01:21:25,052
- Tough night?
- Tough year.
1656
01:21:25,085 --> 01:21:28,757
- Tell me about it. You
know, I got a story for you.
1657
01:21:31,158 --> 01:21:34,228
The past six months, I'm
fighting the health department
1658
01:21:34,261 --> 01:21:36,664
because they find one rat
1659
01:21:36,698 --> 01:21:39,032
and it's like they opened up
a federal case against me.
1660
01:21:39,066 --> 01:21:41,502
It's, it's... (laughs)
1661
01:21:41,536 --> 01:21:44,706
You know what? Rats, they
love those, beer nuts.
1662
01:21:44,739 --> 01:21:45,540
Go figure.
1663
01:21:49,811 --> 01:21:51,178
So you're not out shopping
1664
01:21:51,211 --> 01:21:53,080
with all the other
morons tonight?
1665
01:21:53,113 --> 01:21:54,448
- Uh, yeah, I was thinking
1666
01:21:54,481 --> 01:21:55,683
of getting something
for my wife.
1667
01:21:55,717 --> 01:21:58,252
- Wife. Yeah!
- Wives.
1668
01:21:58,285 --> 01:21:59,920
What are you gonna get
your wife for Christmas?
1669
01:21:59,953 --> 01:22:02,990
- Uh, I'm not sure. She's not
really in a Christmas mood.
1670
01:22:07,629 --> 01:22:09,997
Do you ever get one of
those Christmas letters?
1671
01:22:10,030 --> 01:22:11,432
- Like a, like a Christmas card?
1672
01:22:11,465 --> 01:22:12,734
- No, it's a, it's
a Christmas letter.
1673
01:22:12,767 --> 01:22:15,035
It kind of opens
up like a novel.
1674
01:22:15,068 --> 01:22:17,872
These pictures of families
doing all these amazing things.
1675
01:22:17,906 --> 01:22:20,542
You know, jet skiing,
yachting, travel,
1676
01:22:20,575 --> 01:22:22,943
amazing life, you know,
all that kind of stuff.
1677
01:22:24,077 --> 01:22:27,515
- Every year I get this
letter from this guy
1678
01:22:27,549 --> 01:22:28,817
that I went to high
school with, right.
1679
01:22:28,850 --> 01:22:30,317
This jack hole.
1680
01:22:30,350 --> 01:22:33,688
The guy gets a patent for
anti-skid mark underwear, right?
1681
01:22:33,721 --> 01:22:35,022
The prince of skid marks.
1682
01:22:35,055 --> 01:22:36,758
I refuse to wear 'em.
1683
01:22:36,791 --> 01:22:38,459
- They don't work.
- They don't work.
1684
01:22:38,492 --> 01:22:39,993
Anyway, this guy, he
writes this letter
1685
01:22:40,027 --> 01:22:41,729
and he puts in this,
this, this picture
1686
01:22:41,763 --> 01:22:44,198
of his million-dollar
mansion, his fancy cars,
1687
01:22:44,231 --> 01:22:45,633
where he sends his
kids all over the...
1688
01:22:45,667 --> 01:22:47,234
You know where he send my kids?
1689
01:22:47,267 --> 01:22:49,470
To the end of the driveway
to take out the trash.
1690
01:22:49,503 --> 01:22:50,404
You know? Yeah.
1691
01:22:53,775 --> 01:22:55,442
- Don't you wish
you had his life?
1692
01:22:58,513 --> 01:22:59,313
- Nah.
1693
01:23:00,582 --> 01:23:03,317
Listen, I may not have
my, my name on a building
1694
01:23:03,350 --> 01:23:05,385
and my face on a stamp.
1695
01:23:06,554 --> 01:23:08,121
Heck, I don't even know
my own house. I rent.
1696
01:23:08,155 --> 01:23:11,960
But you know what? It's my life.
1697
01:23:11,992 --> 01:23:13,661
What's wrong with my life?
1698
01:23:14,829 --> 01:23:16,698
You know, what's
wrong with your life?
1699
01:23:18,065 --> 01:23:18,967
- Yeah.
1700
01:23:20,702 --> 01:23:22,069
What's wrong with my life?
1701
01:23:25,138 --> 01:23:26,206
That's a good point.
1702
01:23:31,513 --> 01:23:32,580
Yeah.
1703
01:23:32,614 --> 01:23:34,716
Thanks, uh, for
the conversation.
1704
01:23:34,749 --> 01:23:35,750
- Well, hey, where
you going buddy?
1705
01:23:35,783 --> 01:23:36,584
You got your beer?
1706
01:23:36,618 --> 01:23:37,852
You didn't tell me
1707
01:23:37,886 --> 01:23:39,086
what you're buying your
wife for Christmas.
1708
01:23:41,689 --> 01:23:42,924
- I'll send you a copy.
1709
01:23:44,491 --> 01:23:45,392
Merry Christmas.
1710
01:23:46,828 --> 01:23:51,398
- Merry Christmas, pal.
(lighthearted festive music)
1711
01:23:52,600 --> 01:23:57,672
♪ It's a wonder land outside ♪
1712
01:23:58,907 --> 01:24:02,610
♪ So lets dance in
the street light ♪
1713
01:24:03,477 --> 01:24:07,481
♪ Underneath the evergreens ♪
1714
01:24:07,515 --> 01:24:11,886
♪ In Central Park
you look at me ♪
1715
01:24:11,920 --> 01:24:15,757
♪ It's a magic kind of scene ♪
1716
01:24:17,291 --> 01:24:21,963
♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪
♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪
1717
01:24:23,130 --> 01:24:27,134
♪ The empire state
goes green and red ♪
1718
01:24:27,167 --> 01:24:31,471
♪ Rockefeller's tree
can't be compared ♪
1719
01:24:31,506 --> 01:24:36,443
♪ It's a beautiful
sight to see ♪
1720
01:24:36,476 --> 01:24:39,013
♪ But what matters most ♪
1721
01:24:39,047 --> 01:24:42,115
♪ Is in front of me ♪
1722
01:24:44,552 --> 01:24:46,386
♪ My love for you ♪
♪ My love for you ♪
1723
01:24:46,420 --> 01:24:48,957
♪ Will always be ♪
♪ Will always be ♪
1724
01:24:48,990 --> 01:24:51,726
♪ The very greatest ♪
♪ The very greatest ♪
1725
01:24:51,759 --> 01:24:53,628
♪ Gift to me ♪
♪ Gift to me ♪
1726
01:24:53,661 --> 01:24:55,495
♪ There's nowhere ♪
♪ There's nowhere ♪
1727
01:24:55,530 --> 01:24:58,600
♪ I'd rather be ♪
♪ I'd rather be ♪
1728
01:24:58,633 --> 01:25:03,303
♪ Than here with you ♪
1729
01:25:03,337 --> 01:25:06,406
♪ Than here with me ♪
1730
01:25:08,308 --> 01:25:12,179
♪ At Christmas time ♪
♪ At Christmas time ♪
1731
01:25:12,212 --> 01:25:17,284
♪ In New York ♪
♪ In New York ♪
1732
01:25:25,459 --> 01:25:29,764
(lighthearted
festive music fades)
1733
01:25:35,970 --> 01:25:38,973
- Are you and dad gonna
talk to each other again?
1734
01:25:41,341 --> 01:25:42,610
- I don't know, honey.
1735
01:25:43,811 --> 01:25:48,482
- Can Santa fix it?
- Honey.
1736
01:25:48,516 --> 01:25:49,784
- I know what.
1737
01:25:49,817 --> 01:25:53,021
I'm gonna ask Santa if
I can trade my presents.
1738
01:25:53,054 --> 01:25:53,955
- What for?
1739
01:25:53,988 --> 01:25:56,223
- You and daddy to laugh again.
1740
01:25:57,025 --> 01:25:58,559
- I wanna trade my presents too.
1741
01:25:58,593 --> 01:26:01,095
- Oh.
(phone ringing)
1742
01:26:04,899 --> 01:26:09,037
- Hi, Catherine. Merry
Christmas to you too.
1743
01:26:11,171 --> 01:26:12,073
What?
1744
01:26:13,240 --> 01:26:15,242
Wonderful?
(bright music)
1745
01:26:15,275 --> 01:26:17,812
Are you sure it's our letter?
1746
01:26:21,115 --> 01:26:22,950
Okay. (chuckles)
1747
01:26:22,984 --> 01:26:26,921
Uh, I'll tell him.
We love you too.
1748
01:26:27,855 --> 01:26:28,856
Merry Christmas.
1749
01:26:30,658 --> 01:26:32,325
- Is everything okay?
1750
01:26:32,359 --> 01:26:34,796
- She wanted to wish
us a merry Christmas.
1751
01:26:36,229 --> 01:26:39,399
Hmm.
(phone ringing)
1752
01:26:39,433 --> 01:26:40,434
Hi, Uncle Harold.
1753
01:26:44,639 --> 01:26:46,874
Wait, I don't
understand because...
1754
01:26:49,276 --> 01:26:51,646
Aunt Martha cried
when she read it?
1755
01:26:51,679 --> 01:26:53,981
Yeah, well I cried when
Joe sent it, but...
1756
01:26:57,484 --> 01:27:00,188
Okay, I'll, I'll give him a hug.
1757
01:27:02,557 --> 01:27:05,459
You bet. Merry Christmas.
1758
01:27:13,101 --> 01:27:14,769
- Mail's here. I'll get it.
1759
01:27:16,303 --> 01:27:17,171
(phone ringing)
- Oh.
1760
01:27:17,205 --> 01:27:18,773
Would you get that, John?
1761
01:27:23,778 --> 01:27:27,081
- [Caroline] Mama
more Christmas cards.
1762
01:27:31,418 --> 01:27:32,553
- It's Grandpa.
1763
01:27:32,587 --> 01:27:34,287
- Oh, tell him
I'll call him back.
1764
01:27:37,558 --> 01:27:40,228
(tender music)
1765
01:27:48,836 --> 01:27:52,405
(tender music continues)
1766
01:27:54,474 --> 01:27:56,376
- Dear family and friends,
1767
01:27:56,409 --> 01:27:59,346
this is my first ever attempt
at a Christmas letter.
1768
01:28:00,214 --> 01:28:02,884
Strike that. My second.
1769
01:28:03,985 --> 01:28:06,319
My first is in a dumpster.
1770
01:28:06,353 --> 01:28:08,288
Let's just say it wasn't written
1771
01:28:08,321 --> 01:28:11,259
in the true spirit of Christmas.
1772
01:28:11,291 --> 01:28:14,228
So you can think a Utica Club
1773
01:28:15,462 --> 01:28:19,366
and a very caring bartender
with a rat problem
1774
01:28:19,399 --> 01:28:23,604
from saving you from a fate
worse than Black Friday shopping
1775
01:28:23,638 --> 01:28:24,972
and saving you from
1776
01:28:25,006 --> 01:28:27,108
a horrendous narcissistic
Christmas letter filled
1777
01:28:27,141 --> 01:28:29,177
with nothing but
overblown boasts.
1778
01:28:30,812 --> 01:28:33,548
No, the following
is all too real.
1779
01:28:34,414 --> 01:28:37,285
Boring but real.
1780
01:28:37,317 --> 01:28:40,655
We didn't escape to any
remote sun-drenched islands,
1781
01:28:40,688 --> 01:28:41,989
attend the posh parties
1782
01:28:42,023 --> 01:28:44,424
or rub elbows with
the heads of state.
1783
01:28:45,693 --> 01:28:48,361
Our kids didn't shatter
records in sports or academics,
1784
01:28:48,395 --> 01:28:50,665
but they, you know,
they did us proud
1785
01:28:50,698 --> 01:28:52,900
by just doing their best.
1786
01:28:52,934 --> 01:28:54,902
None of us won any awards,
1787
01:28:54,936 --> 01:28:56,971
but Caroline did make me
1788
01:28:57,004 --> 01:28:59,640
the Greatest Dad
Award on Father's Day.
1789
01:29:00,675 --> 01:29:01,676
No weight was lost.
1790
01:29:01,709 --> 01:29:04,344
We may have even gained some.
1791
01:29:04,377 --> 01:29:05,880
We didn't make a
killing on stocks
1792
01:29:05,913 --> 01:29:08,149
or join any exclusive clubs,
1793
01:29:09,517 --> 01:29:11,919
but we did laugh a lot, though,
1794
01:29:11,953 --> 01:29:15,056
and talked with each
other almost every day.
1795
01:29:16,524 --> 01:29:18,759
None of us were ill or injured
1796
01:29:18,793 --> 01:29:21,963
and no one in our
respective families died.
1797
01:29:23,496 --> 01:29:25,700
We still have a
roof over our heads
1798
01:29:25,733 --> 01:29:29,337
and, uh, boundless optimism
for a better future.
1799
01:29:30,838 --> 01:29:34,008
This in spite of my job loss,
which happened a year ago.
1800
01:29:35,009 --> 01:29:37,044
And you know, really
was a blessing.
1801
01:29:38,346 --> 01:29:39,680
There could be nothing worse
1802
01:29:39,714 --> 01:29:43,017
than spending your entire
life hating what you do.
1803
01:29:43,985 --> 01:29:46,621
And I won't lie,
I, I hated my job.
1804
01:29:48,055 --> 01:29:50,992
The fact is, there's only one
job I've ever really loved.
1805
01:29:52,526 --> 01:29:56,264
That of being a good
husband, father, and friend.
1806
01:29:58,398 --> 01:29:59,700
Of all there is to see
1807
01:29:59,734 --> 01:30:02,469
and do in this
busy world of ours,
1808
01:30:02,502 --> 01:30:05,573
there is nothing more wonderful
than simply being alive
1809
01:30:05,606 --> 01:30:09,510
to share the
unending, undying love
1810
01:30:09,543 --> 01:30:10,978
of family and friends.
1811
01:30:12,647 --> 01:30:16,050
As my mom and dad
always used to say,
1812
01:30:16,083 --> 01:30:19,787
"We may not have much,
but we have everything."
1813
01:30:21,555 --> 01:30:24,125
Thanks for being part of
our everything this year.
1814
01:30:25,458 --> 01:30:28,296
Be of good cheer, and
merry Christmas to you all.
1815
01:30:28,329 --> 01:30:31,299
Love Joe, Deb,
John, and Caroline.
1816
01:30:34,835 --> 01:30:37,504
Looks like somebody opened
her Christmas present early.
1817
01:30:39,140 --> 01:30:40,541
- What is all this?
1818
01:30:40,574 --> 01:30:43,744
- Well, you know how you
like to order lots of things
1819
01:30:43,778 --> 01:30:45,880
and this is the one
way I can ensure
1820
01:30:45,913 --> 01:30:47,782
you get 'em all in one piece.
1821
01:30:47,815 --> 01:30:50,751
And besides Rich wanted
and some time off.
1822
01:30:50,785 --> 01:30:55,756
He's on paternity leave again.
(Deb chuckles)
1823
01:30:55,790 --> 01:30:59,160
(tender music continues)
1824
01:31:08,002 --> 01:31:08,903
(Clive sniffles)
1825
01:31:08,936 --> 01:31:12,472
(soft playful music)
1826
01:31:12,506 --> 01:31:13,407
- Bloody hell.
1827
01:31:16,811 --> 01:31:17,878
Well done, Michaels.
1828
01:31:26,921 --> 01:31:30,891
(soft playful music continues)
1829
01:31:37,264 --> 01:31:39,800
♪ A one, two, a
one, two, three ♪
1830
01:31:39,834 --> 01:31:42,803
♪ My life with you
is so much better ♪
1831
01:31:42,837 --> 01:31:47,641
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1832
01:31:47,675 --> 01:31:50,544
♪ Sunny vacations by the sea ♪
1833
01:31:50,578 --> 01:31:55,549
♪ Powder blue waves and a
pineapple breeze sound fine ♪
1834
01:31:56,217 --> 01:31:59,387
♪ If you like ♪
1835
01:31:59,420 --> 01:32:02,223
♪ Paris romance
and diamond rings ♪
1836
01:32:02,256 --> 01:32:07,328
♪ Fancy red wine near the
fire and things sound nice ♪
1837
01:32:07,995 --> 01:32:11,065
♪ For the price ♪
1838
01:32:11,098 --> 01:32:16,170
♪ You give me way more
than words can say ♪
1839
01:32:17,371 --> 01:32:22,009
♪ More than every gift
in Santa's sleigh ♪
1840
01:32:23,044 --> 01:32:25,546
♪ My life with you
so much better ♪
1841
01:32:25,579 --> 01:32:29,450
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1842
01:32:29,483 --> 01:32:33,020
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
1843
01:32:33,054 --> 01:32:38,125
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
1844
01:32:40,529 --> 01:32:43,397
♪ Skiing down snow-white
wonder lands ♪
1845
01:32:43,431 --> 01:32:48,369
♪ Will never compare to
holding your hands in mine ♪
1846
01:32:48,402 --> 01:32:52,773
♪ Oh, baby, you shine ♪
♪ Shine ♪
1847
01:32:52,807 --> 01:32:55,676
♪ Brighter than the
Northern Lights ♪
1848
01:32:55,709 --> 01:33:00,114
♪ Green auroras burning
inside of your eyes ♪
1849
01:33:00,147 --> 01:33:03,751
♪ They light my fire ♪
1850
01:33:03,784 --> 01:33:06,454
♪ Let's throw aside ♪
1851
01:33:06,487 --> 01:33:10,324
♪ That glass-half-empty life ♪
1852
01:33:11,959 --> 01:33:15,663
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
1853
01:33:15,696 --> 01:33:18,533
♪ My life with you
so much better ♪
1854
01:33:18,567 --> 01:33:23,137
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1855
01:33:23,170 --> 01:33:28,042
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1856
01:33:28,075 --> 01:33:30,579
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1857
01:33:30,611 --> 01:33:33,481
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1858
01:33:33,515 --> 01:33:38,587
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1859
01:33:39,353 --> 01:33:42,356
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1860
01:33:42,389 --> 01:33:45,326
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1861
01:33:45,359 --> 01:33:48,195
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1862
01:33:48,229 --> 01:33:51,132
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1863
01:33:51,165 --> 01:33:54,635
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
1864
01:34:01,510 --> 01:34:05,980
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1865
01:34:06,013 --> 01:34:11,085
♪ Than what I could write ♪
1866
01:34:14,388 --> 01:34:18,527
♪ In a Christmas ♪
1867
01:34:18,560 --> 01:34:21,362
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1868
01:34:21,395 --> 01:34:24,231
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1869
01:34:24,265 --> 01:34:26,934
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1870
01:34:26,967 --> 01:34:30,871
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1871
01:34:30,905 --> 01:34:34,475
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
1872
01:34:34,509 --> 01:34:37,646
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
1873
01:34:42,617 --> 01:34:45,019
(no audio)
126414
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof