Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

- [Radio Announcer] The search which has involved

Coast Guards, Navy, police, and civilian air and sea units.

To this hour no trace of the body

of Tod Stiles has been discovered.

Meanwhile a drag net for the taxi driver killer

has been clamped on all roads and highways

in the Tampa Sarasota area in what is said

to be Florida's most intensive manhunt in many years.

(emotional music)

- I was trapped one winter in a mountain pass.

Only one company of men left.

Short of food, cartridge belts almost empty.

Below in the valley I was besieged

by general Alcade and his troops.

Above in the heights, I was cut off

by general Montado and his men.

General Lopez, may his soul rest in peace

had sent them after me while he was occupied in the capital.

It occurred to me that if Alcade, Montado, and I

were to combine our troops, we could outnumber Lopez

and march into the capital together.

All take nice, warm baths, get a shave,

have a good meal, start living the good life.

So, we did.

The moral is obvious.

Show Monty Musgrave a happy family,

a united family, then when he gives the money

to any one of us, we divide it equally.

Isn't a solid one million better than a shaky four?

- Michael, after you marched into the capital,

what happened to the generals Alcade, et cetera huh?

- That was a long time ago, Otis.

Who remembers the tales?

- What kind of people are you?

- Oh my poor girl.

- Get away from me!

- Your niece here says that one of you

or all of you killed her husband, Tod Stiles.

- We understand, ma chere.

- He's the one.

- Who killed Stiles?

- Who sent me to South America.

- I never saw him before in my life.

- Oh Michael yes, you did.

Don't you remember that one time?

- Oh that's right.

I saw him releasing the stern line

of a boat that brother Leon bought,

or was it the bow line?

- Ah no, yes the stern line it was, yes a splendid craft.

Accommodates 18, you know.

- They wanted Linc out of town.

- So Tod would be an easier target.

- But the radio says a cab driver killer.

- And the young man, why are you so anxious

to establish a South American alibi for yourself huh?

Officer, I suggest that in this world,

friends one day, enemies the next huh?

- I can't prove it yet, but he's

the man who hired me, he's the general.

- Oh capitan, we are a family besieged by tragedy.

I don't wish to sound uncooperative,

but what have all these wild accusations

about Michael and South America got to do with

the business of finding the killer

of Margo's beautiful young man?

I should think every available officer

would be out trying to find the

fiend who did this terrible thing.

- Just before the ceremony you deliberately

made me suspicious so I'd run out the back.

You had that cab already planted, waiting.

- I forgive you, ma chere.

(tsking)

- Hold it.

Young lady, from the beginning.

- Last week my father died.

We all got telegrams.

I came from Houston, Samantha from Paris,

Michael from South America.

- See, South America!

- Leon from Africa and Otis from Moscow.

I was his only child.

And these four monsters are his brothers and sister.

Tod Stiles was the boy my father

wanted me to marry.

They all think I married him because my father's

will said none of us would get anything if I didn't,

but I didn't marry him because of my father's money.

I married him because I loved him!

You see there's this provision in the will

that says Monty, he was my father's best friend,

has to give one of the six of us four million dollars.

Only now that they've killed Tod

that leaves only five of us.

So you see it had to be them,

and that's why they did it!

- Miss Tiffin, and you too young fella,

unless you have some proof you better be pretty careful

what you accuse people of.

- Four million dollars, isn't that proof?

- Why do they always persecute the rich?

- Why not?

- Motive maybe, Miss Tiffin, but not proof.

Sorry I had to trouble you.

- You and me, general.

Count on it.

Come on, Margo.

- Well, what about it?

Together or is it every man for himself?

(pleasant music)

(chattering)

(ominous music)

(yelling)

- Oh man am I glad to see you.

Can't you even say hello?

(gasping)

- You're supposed to be in South America.

- Well I'm sure glad that you're not

where you're supposed to be.

Your voice sounds funny, can I get you a drink?

- That Jezebel, you should've heard her.

I'll explain everything later darling,

when nobody knows where we are

in a private world of our own.

That's what saved me, all the way down

with that water coming up to meet me

just thinking of that farewell speech.

- Should I call a doctor?

You could be all busted up inside.

- Only my heart.

The rest of me is all in one angry piece.

- How about a hot bath?

General Martin Jose Salvado.

That's what he called himself,

but when I got there I was arrested

and almost got shot because I knew him.

Well luckily I just happened to mention

that he was still alive and in Tampa.

Well they opened the grave, no coffin,

so they decorated me and shipped me home.

Well if he ever steps foot in that country again,

uncle Michael has had it.

- Where is she?

- I was with her all day, Tod.

Nobody can pretend the tears she's crying.

- No, you believe that phony general.

- Well she went with me to the police

and accused them all of killing you.

- What's to prevent them from killing her?

- Pitching horseshoes important

how did pick himself a son in law?

Welcome back to this old world, boy.

- I'm still at the bottom of Tampa Bay.

- I guess so until the 14 days are up

and I decide who to give that money to.

Come in and have some coffee with me.

- You ever hear of the Count of Monte Cristo?

- That's a big order boy, and you're messing

around with experts.

- Will you help us?

- Do you trust me?

- Sure!

- That ain't very flattering.

- Well you warned me before the wedding,

that was straight talk, Monty.

- Help you?

You know that wouldn't be ethical

me being the executor and everything.

Tell you one thing son, I ain't gonna let 'em hurt you.

Nobody gonna hear from me that you're back.

So come on in and have a little coffee.

- Can't you at least tell us where Margo is?

- She's flying out to Houston just about now.

- Thanks Monty!

- [Announcer] Flight 632 to New Orleans and Houston

now boarding at gate four, all aboard please.

Flight 632 to New Orleans and Houston

now boarding at gate four.

- Tod!

- Look, I've seen people try this

when they've stuffed themselves with a steak dinner

but never for a cup of tea!

That takes really callous people.

- How much is the check?

- 16 cents!

(romantic music)

- Linc?

Don't just stand there like a best man or something.

Here, go see if they'll get my bags off the plane.

- Michael, Otis!

Leon!

Welcome home, ma chere.

- Why should I run away from my own legacy?

Why knock myself out in cotton futures

when I have a chance at a four million dollar present?

And a leg up with Mr. Musgrave,

the poor grieving widow and all that.

- Spoken like a true Tiffin, tea?

- Lovely.

- After that you must excuse me

because I must get dressed.

Monty's coming for me any second now.

Poor dear's fallen madly in love with me.

- Croissant?

Muffin?

- Soldier's custom, always start the day with C rations.

- Otis?

(grunts)

(pleasant music)

- Where are you going?

- I believe it's almost nine o'clock.

- Yes?

- Migrating mallards are due to pass over

at 9:07, a great gray dance of birds

astonishing the sky in such profusion

it feeds the soul to watch them.

My C rations.

Well here it is, Monty.

Certified by the fist national bank of Nairobi.

- Here's the option agreement, that's uncertified.

- Yes, but I trust you.

- The second person who's told me that

in the last 24 hours.

I must be getting old.

- Monty, 10,000 acres of swamp.

I've seen 'em, I like them,

I think land will be discovered on 'em.

- Leon, if you are buttering me up

by letting me unload that swampland on you,

you better grab yourself another thing, don't you think?

- Eh Monty.

My last will and testament.

If by chance that four million dollars comes to me,

every cent will go to the

underprivileged creatures of the velt.

So much for the Artiodactyl, so much for the giraffe,

so much for the ostrich, all the poor hunted things

who need sanctuary, every cent.

Now take the giraffe.

No vocal cords.

All it can do is sigh.

But he is so tall that even this faint,

unhappy murmur is swept away by the wind.

Now I intend to equip each giraffe with a stereo

so his sigh comes out like a roar.

- How about that?

- And gives him self confidence

and natural protection from the predators.

Now, the ostrich, the ostrich, those blighters

they bury their heads to avoid

being seen against the skyline, but do they like it?

- Mhmm.

- No.

That money will provide hundreds of painted

backdrops with raised horizons

so the ostrich can finally stand erect.

Monty, it's all in here.

If by chance the four million dollars comes to me.

- Leon you've warmed the cockles of my heart.

I've always been simpatico to all them

wild critters, varmints excluded.

I just love them little old prairie dogs

and them sand gophers.

- Bonjour Monty, Monty.

(pleasant music)

- Something in personals here, uncle Leon.

It's really your department.

- Two German nature lovers recently arrived in the states

seek American naturalist familiar

with local flora and fauna.

Money no object.

Well that's a happy coincidence.

(upbeat music)

(pleasant music)

- But that's marvelous, absolutely.

- Saves a heap of tipping, too.

- Monty you are like all rich men.

Always pretending to be so frugal.

- Well you said you wanted to go to the best saloon in town

and I talked things over and here she set.

Best saloon in town, ice box full of chaser,

trailer full of corn liquor.

- That's absolutely charming.

- Samantha?

I want you to level with me, man to man.

You know like something like the truth huh, okay?

(speaks foreign language)

- Truth without fear.

What do you want to know, Monty?

Man to man?

- Well there's one thing I'm certain of

I'm about the ugliest old coot around here.

You being a good looking filly,

come on let's face it.

If I wasn't pulling the rip cord on Alex's purse strings,

would you take a second look at me?

- Those whom we love the best, we say the least to.

But even a woman with deep feelings

must humble herself sometime.

Monty?

Do you think my life has been a happy one?

Virtually exiled from my own country,

flitting about from Paris to Rome to London to Zurich?

Haunting in Amsterdam with that

miserable little diamond exchange.

Do you think I enjoy forcing

those French sauces down my throat?

When all I really long for was a steak cooked clean through

and washed down with campfire coffee.

Monty, I'm a Florida girl,

born and bred in the swamp.

And all I really dream of is to be able

to afford to stay here,

and be with the man who understands me.

- Horseshoes.

Come on, you like the game oh I'll teach ya.

- Merci.

(laughs)

- What a woman!

(yells)

(dramatic music)

- That's a splendid example of compound umbilact.

It grows nowhere else in the world.

- Danke!

- He says thank you.

- What you've just picked up is a verticillaster.

Don't ask me to say that in Kraut.

See how it grows up the floral axis

in those little Vs?

Well you know chaps, V for verticillaster, V for victory.

Oh, no offense.

(speaks foreign language)

- He says much land, property, much opportunity.

- Ah he has an eye for a good thing.

(speaks foreign language)

What'd he say?

- He says you are not the first who that thinks.

(speaks foreign language)

It is pity.

- Oh that he doesn't own it right?

- Yeah exactly.

- And well he could if he really wanted to.

- [German] True?

- Well I might be able to help out a bit.

(speaks foreign language)

But he'd be getting in on the ground floor.

- Please, you there to tie up.

- Oh yes, no sooner said than done.

(pleasant music)

Well, say 10,000 acres.

(speaks foreign language)

- How much land, how much water?

- Oh even steven, 50/50.

You know half a dozen of one and six of the other.

(speaks foreign language)

Of course, though that's the last of it.

(speaks foreign language)

Pioneer?

Yes well you can say that again.

(speaks foreign language)

What, what's he saying?

- He says it's good to be pioneer,

not deep sea diver.

This land is terrible, (speaks foreign language), terrible!

Where does one stand?

- Oh well it may look a little mucky

but it really, oh it's quite solid.

Oh that's what I get for being overly honest.

Did I say 50 water and 50 land?

Well it's at least 60/40, that's 60 land.

- Are you sure, quite sure, that you have

for the land a legal right to speak?

- My boy.

- Also we are worried about the alligators.

- Alligator?

- Yeah the teeth.

Eats people.

- Nonsense, there isn't an alligator in 50 miles.

Wouldn't I be the first to know?

Must be at least 70/30.

Nothing but silt from the river.

It's much more solid over there.

Watch, you'll see what I mean.

It's mu...

A little muddy here.

Of course much firmer over here.

Might require a little dredging, I'm not sure,

but I think you could build a very fine house right here.

Yes, and from here right on over to here

well there's a possibility to put a...

Here's where you put the pool.

I should have said over there,

it's much firmer there you see?

Oh yes it's 80/20.

Oh much better here.

Oh yeah well yes it's much firmer here, much firmer here

oh much oh nicer yes, firm here yes.

All you have to do is drain some of the...

50%.

- Herr Tiffin!

(pleasant music)

- That's attractive.

- I had it freshened and altered

to make it more suitable to a young widow.

Monty should appreciate that touch don't you imagine?

- Oui.

An actress they say is someone who sculpts in snow.

- Samantha.

You and I belong to the same union, we're girls.

And now that Leon's gone that makes

two of them against two of us.

- Really?

- If we work together, that means

two million dollars apiece.

And together what chance has Monty got?

- Now look doll, Monty and I are getting married tomorrow.

Oh nothing elaborate like your lovely wedding,

no nice, simple, no formality.

But well, as a member of the same union

I wanted you to be the first to know.

(pleasant music)

- First Alex, then Tod, now Leon.

It is really too terrible to contemplate, yet one must.

For myself Monty, I ask nothing.

I speak for generations of Americans yet unborn.

I speak as the only true American patriot

who can move freely within the Sino-Soviet orbit.

In my little dealings with Soviet officials

trying to bring them the modest comforts

of western civilization without

embarrassing their nonmaterialism,

I have had occasion to make certain contacts

within their intelligence networks.

Monty,

I have close friends

within the KRO.

To say nothing of the Kakepe.

Can you conceive, Monty

what I could accomplish for the cause of peace

with four million American dollars?

Had you and I met 100 years ago

and had I at the moment been working with Mexico,

the gallant patriots who perished at the Alamo

need never have made their glorious contribution to history.

Monty remember Valley Forge.

Remember the Alamo.

Remember the main.

Remember Pearl Harbor.

- Otis, I'm a shook man, shook right down

to the tip of my Justins.

I'm so doggone happy I don't know what to do.

I haven't told anybody, but I'm gonna tell you.

Samantha, the quintessence of feminine loveliness.

We're going to get married tomorrow.

Now, what was that you were saying to me?

(somber music)

(knocking)

- Oh Tod.

Oh I'm just sick about what happened.

- I know.

- Oh I don't mean about Uncle Leon.

It's Monty I'm worried about.

Samantha's got her claws into him.

They're getting married tomorrow.

- Now honey remember what your father said.

If I'm not man enough to survive in this family,

I'm the wrong man for the job.

If that's true of your husband, it's true of Monty.

(romantic music)

- Vamanos.

Please senor, capitan.

(pleasant music)

(speaks foreign language)

- Do you remember me, Rios?

Felipe Rios?

Corporal Rios?

We, we fought with you at Sanchez Pass, my brother and I.

My brother, he gave his life for you.

- Ah, si.

(speaks foreign language)

- Wants me, generale.

They say the (speaks foreign language)

he said to them.

- I speak English, take care what you say.

This all still to be judged, nothing is settled.

So this is the one?

- Si capitan.

- He is little too safe.

- Of all the generales he is the one

with the most boon, a true leader of the people.

Viva general Martin Jose Salvado!

- Callate!

- You, take care capitan,

how you address one of my peons.

I have had men executed for less.

- It's no time for distress.

At great risk, my general, I have come.

As I said on the phone the hour to march,

the peons are waiting, the workers are waiting.

We only need you at the front!

And the weapons, which the capitan

has assured he can get for us.

He is certain you're the one to lead us.

- This is not a war of guns,

but of minds.

What do you, a Yankee, know here in the heart?

- You are a young man, capitan.

Young to power.

What do you know of the armies I have led to victory?

Of the men who have died in my arms?

And the women who have lived there, only they know.

Go back and tell your young lions you came here

not certain of me, and you return not certain of me!

And your guns, you can keep.

- Comrade!

You must leave for Alhama at once.

For security purposes you'll have

to make your own travel arrangements.

But once there, you'll be taken directly to the top.

You understand?

- While the capitan listened, I could not say the words.

I say them now.

(speaks foreign language)

- Just remember Monty, I haven't tried to bargain with you.

I could have offered you a district to govern

or a seat on the cabinet,

but I am going all the way with you, Monty.

My brother's money to me, the presidency to you.

Short and simple.

I'm offering you life Monty,

to the full, raw, and wonderful.

The only way it should be lived.

You, it's yours for the asking.

- Mike your story's really touched me.

I wish you'd have tied into me about a week ago

when I was feeling like an old codger.

But right now I feel like I'm on that 45 yard stripe,

and I'm so in love, you know what I mean?

- No.

- Well it's just--

- [Announcer] Flight 21 now departing

for Miami, last call please.

Flight 21, gate four.

- Monty I got to go now.

Just keep an open mind, that's all that I ask.

I'll be back in a day or two.

And I'll bring you some real cigars.

- Adios.

(pleasant music)

- C-H-A.

The C-H is pronounced as in the German ach.

Charocha, as in George Bernard Shaw.

Charocha!

That's not really the problem.

- I know.

- How can we fink on Otis, no matter

how much he deserves it?

There's too much already.

- Yeah the pound of flesh just gets heavier and heavier.

- I'll call Margo.

(knocking)

- Yeah who is it?

- [Otis] Otis Tiffin.

- What's the difference?

- So, you are alive.

- Sorry, uncle.

- Do you happen to have a drink around?

Anything but vodka.

I've been ordered to read a statement

to your friend here in as much as it was

believed that you were dead.

But now the...

Thank you.

I shall translate as I go along.

Comrade Tiffin.

It has come to my attention that in a recent

exchange of rubles for certain merchandise

which shall be referred to hereafter as Christmas pink

only rubles changed hands,

no Christmas pink was forthcoming.

Your failure to perform unofficially for the official class

is not regarded as a crime against the state,

but rather as a crime against the official class.

A discussion has therefore taken place,

not a trial, a discussion, and a decision has been reached.

Not a verdict, a decision.

This decision is that you, comrade Tiffin,

have to be conducted safely home

to your adopted motherland by the

first available Soviet transportation.

Together with an appropriate cargo of Christmas pink,

once you've fulfilled this final contract

your visas and expert permits are to be taken away

and you will be free to contribute your services

to the working class.

Now regarding the American sports car

which you sold to an officer on

Captain Blinski's merchant ship.

The stupidity of this transaction

has led us to serious doubts about your sanity.

Shipping such a machine into the motherland

could create more dissension than any Chinese propagandist.

I ask you comrade, how would it look

if Nikita were to be seen driving it?

The Albanians would insist he was a tool of Wall Street,

and if you think he would let anybody else have the car,

you've been away too long.

So, we have made a practical decision.

We have decided to be honest.

The car is to be returned to the

surviving friend of the legal owner.

And the document is signed by my

old customer comrade Sergei.

Who turns out to be a very high ranking commissar.

Which only proves you can't trust anybody.

All the time I thought he was just

another enterprising capitalist like me.

Oh well...

Oh, yes I have been ordered to obtain

a counter signature on this document

as proof that it has been read to the proper party.

In the circumstances I believe the proper party is you.

Thank you very much.

Whatever comes, I am ready.

- Linc's taking your things out to the car.

- Hi son, might as well set them bags down.

Folks, I got something to say.

We might as well get right down to business

so Samantha and I can have a few more drinks

of that sour mash liquor.

Now honey, won't you set right there.

You two young people set right over there.

I know that the 14 days ain't up,

but there ain't no reason why

I can't make up my mind right now.

I've got to give away four million dollars,

and I've heard everybody's story

and I finally made up my mind.

Now I can't give it to Leon,

I can't give it to Otis, I can't give it to Michael.

They wouldn't be here to rake it in

if I was to give it to 'em.

Now I could give it to you two pretty people.

Shucks, I don't think you need it.

'Cause Margo would be in the grain pits

selling futures, buying contracts, when she

ought to be home raising babies for ya.

- We didn't want it anyway, Monty.

- That's what I figured.

Well Samantha, I reckon that leaves you.

- Monty!

(speaks foreign language)

- I can't give you that money, woman.

Wouldn't look right, you being my bride.

I'm giving it to Interpol.

Well sure been nice knowing you folks down here in Florida.

If you ever get around Lubbock, look us up will ya?

My ma and pa are going to be busted

at the seams when I bring this good looking woman home.

- I'll, I'll put the bags in the car.

- Can you get everything on?

- Plenty of room.

- How come?

- Well I shipped my stuff ahead, to Texas.

I'm going back home for a while.

- Well we're going that way, straight to Houston.

- Well that's a two seater you got there, old buddy.

(emotional music)

See ya.

(emotional music)

(pleasant music)

- [Announcer] A Screen Gems presentation.

Herbert B. Leonard, executive producer.