Original subtitles

(motor rumbling)

(ship horn blowing)

(ship horn blowing)

(railroad crossing bells ringing)

(railroad crossing bells ringing)

- Impossible.

- Oh, that's even better.

- Oh, that's even better.

The Cathedral of St. Augustine.

The Cathedral of St. Augustine.

The oldest parish in the country.

Listen to this, 1594, only 100 years after Columbus.

Listen to this, 1594, only 100 years after Columbus.

(seagulls squawking)

(seagulls squawking)

- It's supposed to be a seven year pilgrimage

- It's supposed to be a seven year pilgrimage

to Japan.

- Here's the thing we have to see,

the Plaza de la Constitucion laid out in 1598.

the Plaza de la Constitucion laid out in 1598.

Japan.

Governage.

- To study zen archery.

- To study zen archery.

You know they don't let you touch a bow and arrow

for four years, not until you become a bow and arrow.

for four years, not until you become a bow and arrow.

Hey Harlan, up here!

Hey Harlan, up here!

- Bulldog, bulldog, rah, rah, rah!

- Bulldog, bulldog, rah, rah, rah!

Bulldog, bulldog, sis boom bah!

Bulldog, bulldog, sis boom bah!

Eli, Eli, Eli, yell!

Give us a bulldog!

- You know, if I had good sense,

I'd cut out in the opposite direction.

I'd cut out in the opposite direction.

- Friend or foe?

- Oh, the best friend I had in school.

And my worst enemy.

You know, I almost made that trip to Japan with him?

You know, I almost made that trip to Japan with him?

I'm older and wiser now.

I'm older and wiser now.

I can handle Harlan Livingston III.

I can handle Harlan Livingston III.

(jazzy music)

- If I couldn't get him with a deviated septum,

it's a cinch, she won't make it with adhesions.

it's a cinch, she won't make it with adhesions.

- I don't even thing she has adhesions.

- I don't even thing she has adhesions.

- You know you can't fool Dr. Hillman.

- You're still here, darling.

- But darlin', I'm so weak.

- But darlin', I'm so weak.

- Alright, stop it you two.

- Alright, stop it you two.

Barbara's a phony, a momentary diversion.

(forced coughing)

(forced coughing)

(playful music)

- Do you know who sent you?

Oh, I adore you, Margaret.

Oh, I adore you, Margaret.

- Barbara, Mr. Livingston, it's Barbara.

- Barbara, of course, Margaret was kidney stones.

- Barbara, of course, Margaret was kidney stones.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Oh! - Oh!

- The last I heard of you, you were in Japan

about to become a bow and arrow.

about to become a bow and arrow.

- Kismet, that's who.

- What are you now?

- What are you now?

(upbeat playful band music)

(upbeat playful band music)

(siren blaring)

(bright music)

(bright music)

- You remember Frank?

- Frank Tomcutter, the bartender with palsy?

- Frank Tomcutter, the bartender with palsy?

- My uncle Frank, the Dr. Frank Hillman.

- My uncle Frank, the Dr. Frank Hillman.

Well,

my uncle Frank insists Barbara's faking,

my uncle Frank insists Barbara's faking,

trying to fool me.

I can't seem to make him understand

how about I feel about people in pain

how about I feel about people in pain

or even people who pretend to have pain.

or even people who pretend to have pain.

How have you been?

How have you been?

- No pain.

- Where have you been?

What is it?

What is it?

Ah, four years.

- Pillar to post and back to pillar.

- Pillar to post and back to pillar.

- It's not like the good old days, is it?

- It's not like the good old days, is it?

- It's just like the good old days.

- It's just like the good old days.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- How's it going Uncle Frank?

- It's all over, Harlan.

- All over?

- All over?

You mean--

- I mean there was no operation.

- We were too late?

- We were too late?

- There's no operation because there's no need

of an operation.

of an operation.

- No adhesions?

No resection of the pericardium?

No resection of the pericardium?

- Resection of my sister's black cat's foot.

- Resection of my sister's black cat's foot.

She's healthier than a weed.

- What about her QRS complexes?

- What about her QRS complexes?

Those inverted T-waves?

- Two other doctors have examined her.

In their considered opinion, she is exactly

In their considered opinion, she is exactly

what I told you she was when you first met her in Miami.

what I told you she was when you first met her in Miami.

A malingerer, a gold brick, and a fraud.

A malingerer, a gold brick, and a fraud.

Now, can we get out of here and get some breakfast?

Now, can we get out of here and get some breakfast?

- Tod, this is Dr. Frank Hillman.

Tod Stiles, Yale, my class.

Tod Stiles, Yale, my class.

- Hello.

- I could have sworn she was in critical condition,

- I could have sworn she was in critical condition,

if not in extremis.

- The only one in critical condition around here is you.

- The only one in critical condition around here is you.

- Uh, my uncle considers me a severe case

of hyper empathy.

of hyper empathy.

Uncle Frank, you know how I hate saying goodbyes

Uncle Frank, you know how I hate saying goodbyes

and I was wondering...

- Absolutely not.

- Wait for me.

- Goodbye, Mr. Stiles.

- Doctor.

I've just been through an incredible 15 minutes.

I've just been through an incredible 15 minutes.

- I just been through an incredible eight months.

- Did this really happen or did I dream it?

- Did this really happen or did I dream it?

- Don't pinch yourself, it's bad for the tissues.

- Don't pinch yourself, it's bad for the tissues.

- How long has he been on this kick?

- How long has he been on this kick?

- Mr. Stiles, I have a practice in New York.

- Mr. Stiles, I have a practice in New York.

I also have two harassed colleagues

who call me every morning.

who call me every morning.

"Frank," they say, "why don't you come home

"and shoulder your part of the burden?

"and shoulder your part of the burden?

"Forget about that millions dollars?"

"Forget about that millions dollars?"

You see Mr. Stiles, my brother, Harlan's father,

You see Mr. Stiles, my brother, Harlan's father,

made an especially appealing speech to me on his deathbed.

made an especially appealing speech to me on his deathbed.

He said, "Stay with Harlan for one year,

He said, "Stay with Harlan for one year,

"do the best you can to guide him and lead him,

"do the best you can to guide him and lead him,

"and I will donate one million dollars

"and I will donate one million dollars

"to your research clinic."

Oh what men will do for the sake of science.

Oh what men will do for the sake of science.

- First a bow and arrow, now he wants to be a bandage.

- First a bow and arrow, now he wants to be a bandage.

- He keeps finding pretty girls without money.

- He keeps finding pretty girls without money.

Ostensibly in pain who need surgery.

Ostensibly in pain who need surgery.

He sees to it that they get their surgery,

plus a convalescence aboard his yacht.

plus a convalescence aboard his yacht.

More critical their complaint,

the more passionate his infatuation.

the more passionate his infatuation.

The way I see it the first kidney transplant

The way I see it the first kidney transplant

that gets to him hits the jackpot.

that gets to him hits the jackpot.

Mrs. Harlan Livingston III.

Mrs. Harlan Livingston III.

- Well, that was painless, she'd already left in a huff.

- Well, that was painless, she'd already left in a huff.

- Chauffer driven, of course.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

Oh, just once more before I die I'd like to see

the Statue of Liberty.

the Statue of Liberty.

- He thinks I'm neurotic.

- And I know a doctor in New York on Park Avenue

- And I know a doctor in New York on Park Avenue

I'd like to have talk with Harlan an hour a day,

I'd like to have talk with Harlan an hour a day,

five days a week for the next 10 years.

- I offered to do it by mail.

- I offered to do it by mail.

- Oh you...

- Well, how about some breakfast?

- I can't go with you, I've got to go to work

at the Hotel Ponce de Leon.

at the Hotel Ponce de Leon.

Like I'm already late and it's a good job and I need it.

Like I'm already late and it's a good job and I need it.

- And I also recognized a bite in your words

- And I also recognized a bite in your words

and the editorial in that tone of voice.

You still resent my money!

You still resent my money!

- Oh, only because I don't have it.

- Oh, only because I don't have it.

- How much are they paying you?

- How much are they paying you?

- Oh, American dollars.

- Oh, American dollars.

- I'll give you 1,000 American dollars

- I'll give you 1,000 American dollars

for one week's work.

I want you to play Pied Piper for me.

I want you to play Pied Piper for me.

Now you're gonna love Andrea.

Now you're gonna love Andrea.

And Jeanelle, she's a doll.

And Jeanelle, she's a doll.

And Cindy, well she's the greatest...

And Cindy, well she's the greatest...

You'll love her too.

You'll love her too.

But they're all advanced post operatives.

But they're all advanced post operatives.

And goodbye's not only the saddest word in the language,

And goodbye's not only the saddest word in the language,

it's another kind of thing.

So you come on the scene, they'll run after you

So you come on the scene, they'll run after you

and I won't have to say goodbye, see?

and I won't have to say goodbye, see?

- Oh Harlan look everybody knows

what a devastating character I am,

what a devastating character I am,

loaded with charm.

I'm not gonna be able to lure even a half intelligent girl

I'm not gonna be able to lure even a half intelligent girl

off your yacht!

- Suppose they think you're richer than I am.

- Suppose they think you're richer than I am.

Fun, huh?

And also $1,000 for the week.

And also $1,000 for the week.

- So long, Harlan.

- $2,000.

- $2,000.

- This isn't the first time this has happened

- This isn't the first time this has happened

or the fifteenth!

What's so special about these three?

What's so special about these three?

- They're organized, they're a guild, a union,

and they're bargaining to cut me up.

and they're bargaining to cut me up.

Now Cindy wants a wedding ring

and Andrea wants the informal pleasure of my company

and Andrea wants the informal pleasure of my company

forever and ever.

forever and ever.

Jeanelle is willing to leave but in return

for a 50 year pension plan with fringe benefits.

for a 50 year pension plan with fringe benefits.

Mind you they hate each other,

Mind you they hate each other,

but not enough to keep 'em from working together.

- Well tell 'em to jump overboard.

- Well tell 'em to jump overboard.

- It seems that at the height of their illnesses

- It seems that at the height of their illnesses

I made some rash commitments and now each has

two corroborating witnesses

two corroborating witnesses

which mean three terrible things.

which mean three terrible things.

Breach of promise.

You gotta help me, Tod.

You gotta help me, Tod.

- Oh I have the answer for you, Harlan.

Three simple things.

Three simple things.

You jump overboard.

(playful music)

- Forgive me for what I'm about to do.

- Forgive me for what I'm about to do.

- 85 cents.

- Which credit plan are you on?

- Which credit plan are you on?

See we had to stop for gas back on the road

and I went in to call the hotel and I asked my buddy

and I went in to call the hotel and I asked my buddy

to pay the bill but when I came back

I forgot to get my wallet back!

I forgot to get my wallet back!

That's when I saw Harlan, he was on the boat,

he was overempathizing, I wound up in an ambulance,

he was overempathizing, I wound up in an ambulance,

but it's okay, I'll go right in and find him.

but it's okay, I'll go right in and find him.

- How much does he owe you?

- A big 85 cents.

- A big 85 cents.

- Here's a dollar and a quarter.

- Here's a dollar and a quarter.

I know what it's like, I'm forever losing my purse

or my keys--

- Or your head.

- Are you staying here?

- Two weeks!

- Who do I ask for so I can pay you back?

- Who do I ask for so I can pay you back?

(gentle jazzy music)

(gentle jazzy music)

- Baby, you promised.

- But Ma-- - Don't you but Ma me.

You promised.

You promised.

- But Ma!

- Some people are authority on blue diamonds,

- Some people are authority on blue diamonds,

some on blue chips, me I'm the final authority on bums.

some on blue chips, me I'm the final authority on bums.

That one is the king of the bums.

Baby my last word, 24 years of my life is invested in you.

Baby my last word, 24 years of my life is invested in you.

And now the last $1500 of your father's pension.

And now the last $1500 of your father's pension.

For you it's make or break.

For you it's make or break.

For me it's go for broke.

Two weeks, that's all I asked.

Two weeks, that's all I asked.

You promised me two weeks to find you a proper husband.

You promised me two weeks to find you a proper husband.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life

living on the Jersey flats, watching the traffic go by

living on the Jersey flats, watching the traffic go by

on the Pulaski Skyway.

- I hate the Pulaski Skyway.

- I hate the Pulaski Skyway.

- Baby, the good lord blessed you and cursed you,

- Baby, the good lord blessed you and cursed you,

all with one touch of his wand.

Beauty he blessed you with, a big heart he blessed you with,

Beauty he blessed you with, a big heart he blessed you with,

Beauty he blessed you with, a big heart he blessed you with,

but the best endowment any woman can have,

the natural capacity for guile, that he forgot.

the natural capacity for guile, that he forgot.

the natural capacity for guile, that he forgot.

- I'll try Mama, honest.

- Marriage is different today, baby.

- Marriage is different today, baby.

Not so much romance, a little more partnership.

Not so much romance, a little more partnership.

Two people running a business with assets

like furniture, a set of silver and good accessories.

like furniture, a set of silver and good accessories.

like furniture, a set of silver and good accessories.

Try to think of it that way baby, it'll be easier for you.

Try to think of it that way baby, it'll be easier for you.

- Okay Mama.

(light music)

(light music)

(easy music)

- Well, bread cast upon the water brings back $1.25

- Well, bread cast upon the water brings back $1.25

plus interest, how about dinner tonight?

plus interest, how about dinner tonight?

- When do you expect the social director?

- He's at lunch.

- He's at lunch.

A leisurely lunch, I'm the new associate.

A leisurely lunch, I'm the new associate.

May I serve?

- I want a schedule of the social activities

for the next two weeks.

for the next two weeks.

- Please!

- Well the choice events aren't listed on the sheet.

- Well the choice events aren't listed on the sheet.

- Well the choice events aren't listed on the sheet.

The sheet, for instance, makes no mention of the moon

rising over the southern bastion

rising over the southern bastion

of the Castillo de San Carlos.

of the Castillo de San Carlos.

The oldest standing fortification in the USA.

The oldest standing fortification in the USA.

- You are looking at the oldest standing

- You are looking at the oldest standing

fortification in the USA, me.

fortification in the USA, me.

Doree.

- You know, I knew this major overseas,

he specialized in women.

he specialized in women.

Would you care to hear one of the major's sayings?

Would you care to hear one of the major's sayings?

Well the major said when the mother starts looking good

to you, that's when the daughter already has you hooked.

to you, that's when the daughter already has you hooked.

Now that mother who just walked out,

20 years from now that's how daughter will look.

20 years from now that's how daughter will look.

- Yeah, but think of all those good years in between.

- Yeah, but think of all those good years in between.

- Yeah, but think of all those good years in between.

- Okay, I warned ya.

- Okay, I warned ya.

Why'd you call?

- Harlan Livingston III called and requests the honor

- Harlan Livingston III called and requests the honor

of our presence at dinner, the Main Salon at seven.

of our presence at dinner, the Main Salon at seven.

- You know something buddy, ever since he's been

- You know something buddy, ever since he's been

on the scene, you're different.

There's a new look in your eye, kind of a wild,

There's a new look in your eye, kind of a wild,

unpredictable, like a horse who smells smoke.

unpredictable, like a horse who smells smoke.

- That's not smoke, that's Doree.

- That's not smoke, that's Doree.

- And the sap's rising.

(light music)

(light music)

- How'd you like to make $1,000?

- How'd you like to make $1,000?

- I make $1,000 all the time.

- I make $1,000 all the time.

Course it may take me anywhere from two to three months.

- A week, five days.

- A week, five days.

I'm Harlan Livingston.

I'm Harlan Livingston.

- Oh, the bow and arrow, almost.

- Pretend to be his bodyguard, $1,000.

- Pretend to be his bodyguard, $1,000.

- Why?

- Because I'm desperate and the only way I can get out

- Because I'm desperate and the only way I can get out

is to put your friend in.

is to put your friend in.

- Put him in what?

- Old clothes, the aura of being a millionaire,

- Old clothes, the aura of being a millionaire,

and also the company of three lovely girls

and also the company of three lovely girls

I'm trying to get rid of.

- Tell me more.

- Well, your friend Tod thinks I'm an eccentric.

- Well, your friend Tod thinks I'm an eccentric.

You know 'cause I like to help girls who need surgery.

You know 'cause I like to help girls who need surgery.

I meet a lot of girls that way.

I meet a lot of girls that way.

On top of that I do a lot of good.

Well you know, what's so crazy about that?

Well you know, what's so crazy about that?

Like suppose I kept a string of racing ponies

Like suppose I kept a string of racing ponies

or a string of divorced wives, or a string of factories.

or a string of divorced wives, or a string of factories.

That's normal?

- You sound sane to me.

- You sound sane to me.

- Well pretend to be the bodyguard, $1,000,

- Well pretend to be the bodyguard, $1,000,

I'll do the rest.

- And I don't ask what the rest is, right?

- And I don't ask what the rest is, right?

- Right.

- Okay.

This is gonna hurt me more than it does him.

This is gonna hurt me more than it does him.

(phone ringing)

(playful music)

(playful music)

- I'll take it sir.

- I'll take it sir.

- No thank you young man, this is my pleasure.

- No thank you young man, this is my pleasure.

- He's not only poor, he's probably married.

- He's not only poor, he's probably married.

- He'd never look at me like that if he was married.

- He'd never look at me like that if he was married.

- This is Andrea, appendectomy.

- This is Andrea, appendectomy.

This is Jeanelle, slipped disk.

This is Cindy, deviated septum.

This is Cindy, deviated septum.

All doing nicely.

- My friend Linc Case, hard nose.

- I'll take the deviated septum,

- I'll take the deviated septum,

you take the appendectomy.

- You can usually find a likely candidate at dinner time.

- You can usually find a likely candidate at dinner time.

If a man eats alone and studies the financial section,

If a man eats alone and studies the financial section,

you're on the right track.

you're on the right track.

Take that one over there.

Take that one over there.

The one who's so interestingly losing his hair.

The one who's so interestingly losing his hair.

Doree.

- Toast to our host, my old chum Tod.

- Toast to our host, my old chum Tod.

The most self-effacing, the most successful,

The most self-effacing, the most successful,

the most modest man I've ever known.

the most modest man I've ever known.

- No!

- Sir.

- To my boss, the most democratic man I've ever worked for.

- To my boss, the most democratic man I've ever worked for.

(giggles)

(giggles)

Okay boss.

- So what should I do with the suits?

- What suits?

- What suits?

- [Porter] The ones you ordered, sir.

- Look you have the wrong guy.

- Oh no Mr. Stiles, you gave me 100 bucks this afternoon,

you said go out and buy some old suits and old shoes.

you said go out and buy some old suits and old shoes.

I've been door to door all day

and I've bought you a bunch of junk just like you wanted.

Size 40 on the suits.

Size 40 on the suits.

- Mm hmm.

- [Porter] Size 11 on the shoes?

- Mm hmm.

- Mm hmm.

- I even picked up some beat up old shirts.

- No that's very smart, see.

- No that's very smart, see.

Nobody knows who he is, everybody'll think he's a bum.

Nobody knows who he is, everybody'll think he's a bum.

- Now what is it this time, Harlan?

- Now what is it this time, Harlan?

- He's clean, boss.

- He's clean, boss.

- What's with the frisking?

- I'm sorry to bother you at dinner, Mr. Stiles,

- I'm sorry to bother you at dinner, Mr. Stiles,

but you left this at the bank today

and I knew you'd be lost without it.

and I knew you'd be lost without it.

I mean how can you tip anybody

if you don't have your automatic dime dispenser?

if you don't have your automatic dime dispenser?

I swear on my daughter Martha, I never took one of them.

I swear on my daughter Martha, I never took one of them.

- From John D. on they saved their money,

that's very shrewd.

that's very shrewd.

- So what should I do with the suits?

- Put them in Mr. Stiles suite, my good man.

- Put them in Mr. Stiles suite, my good man.

Can't you see we're about to have dinner?

Can't you see we're about to have dinner?

- The landing deck's ready, Mr. Stiles.

When do you want to check the arresting gear?

When do you want to check the arresting gear?

- What are you talking about, what arresting gear?

- What are you talking about, what arresting gear?

- For your new jet sir.

The one you ordered to match the converted carrier

The one you ordered to match the converted carrier

you bought last month.

I'll stand by outside, sir.

- Outside, Harlan.

- I recommend the pompano, it's delicious.

- I recommend the pompano, it's delicious.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- Well, pompano sounds like a capital idea.

- Well, pompano sounds like a capital idea.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(clamoring)

(laughing)

- Get him!

(light music)

- There are two kinds of calamity in the world,

- There are two kinds of calamity in the world,

misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.

misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.

I wish you both simultaneously.

I wish you both simultaneously.

I'm gonna say this once more

I'm gonna say this once more

and I'm gonna try to say it calmly.

and I'm gonna try to say it calmly.

You are not my bodyguard.

- Did he fire you?

- No.

I'm getting bugged, Linc.

I'm getting bugged, Linc.

Bugged!

- If any other employee of any other hotel in America

- If any other employee of any other hotel in America

started a pie fight in the dining room

he'd have been canned, right?

he'd have been canned, right?

- I offered my resignation.

- But he wouldn't hear of it, right?

- But he wouldn't hear of it, right?

- How'd you know?

- Oh he probably said something about

- Oh he probably said something about

admiring the way you go out among the common people

admiring the way you go out among the common people

and do menial work.

- As a matter of fact he did say something like that,

- As a matter of fact he did say something like that,

but I countered with do you think it's fair

that a man of my immense wealth should deprive

that a man of my immense wealth should deprive

some needy youngster the opportunity to replace me,

and he said...

and he said...

- Alright gentlemen, thank you.

- Alright gentlemen, thank you.

And he said what?

- And he said you hire so many thousands of men

- And he said you hire so many thousands of men

in your various factories and enterprises, Mr. Stiles,

what's one measly job here with us

what's one measly job here with us

at the Ponce de Leon?

at the Ponce de Leon?

And we insist that you stay on as associate social director.

And we insist that you stay on as associate social director.

Matter of fact, he says he wants me to stage a pie fight

Matter of fact, he says he wants me to stage a pie fight

in the dining room every night, the guests loved it.

in the dining room every night, the guests loved it.

They thought it was part of the floor show.

They thought it was part of the floor show.

If you frisk one more person I'm gonna take you apart.

If you frisk one more person I'm gonna take you apart.

- Nobody attacks his own bodyguard.

- Nobody attacks his own bodyguard.

(light music)

(light music)

- I'm sorry Mama, but I've been thinking--

- Stop thinking, it'll ruin your complexion.

- Stop thinking, it'll ruin your complexion.

- I'd rather watch the Pulaski Skyway

for the rest of my life than marry just for money.

for the rest of my life than marry just for money.

More than anything else in the world

I want a happy marriage.

I want a happy marriage.

- All marriages are happy.

- All marriages are happy.

It's living together afterwards that's impossible.

It's living together afterwards that's impossible.

Only two things can hold a man and woman together,

Only two things can hold a man and woman together,

Dun and Bradstreet.

- Mrs. Hunter, Doree, there's something I want to say.

- Mrs. Hunter, Doree, there's something I want to say.

- Sit down, young man.

- Sit down, young man.

- You know yesterday Mrs. Hunter you were an

impregnable fortress but today suddenly

impregnable fortress but today suddenly

the gates have swung wide open, now I resent that.

the gates have swung wide open, now I resent that.

- I like the way he talks, so forceful.

- I like the way he talks, so forceful.

- Doree, when I first saw you, a series of belts and levers

- Doree, when I first saw you, a series of belts and levers

began to work.

began to work.

I looked forward to...

To being able to do St. Augustine together.

To being able to do St. Augustine together.

But as long as you believe I'm a millionaire,

that's impossible!

that's impossible!

- We're not Marxists, Mr. Stiles.

My daughter and I both believe

My daughter and I both believe

in the free enterprise system.

If a man can be as young and as successful as you,

If a man can be as young and as successful as you,

why should we hold that against you?

why should we hold that against you?

- Mrs. Hunter, I am not a millionaire!

Unless you believe that, unless we can get back

Unless you believe that, unless we can get back

to yesterday's basic honesty, you're putting

to yesterday's basic honesty, you're putting

a big barrier between Doree and me

and I don't want that, Doree.

and I don't want that, Doree.

- [Mrs. Hunter] Say something, Doree.

- I have to be honest with you, Mr. Stiles.

- I have to be honest with you, Mr. Stiles.

- Tod.

- On second thought, Doree, don't say something.

- On second thought, Doree, don't say something.

- It is a barrier.

- Why was I cursed with an honest daughter?

- Why was I cursed with an honest daughter?

- I don't feel the same towards you today

as I did yesterday.

as I did yesterday.

- Doree, the Pulaski Skyway.

- What could you possibly need I could give you?

- What could you possibly need I could give you?

- I'm leaving, three's a company, four's a crowd.

- I'm leaving, three's a company, four's a crowd.

- Not til we get this settled.

Now tell her, Linc.

- What, boss?

- What, boss?

- Well explain to her what happens to people

when their paths cross that of Harlan Livingston III,

when their paths cross that of Harlan Livingston III,

everything goes crazy!

everything goes crazy!

- Sir, if I had $38 million dollars I wouldn't

be ashamed of it.

be ashamed of it.

- Enjoy, baby.

- Listen Doree, I have $2200 in the bank.

- Listen Doree, I have $2200 in the bank.

The pink slip on a car and a job here at this hotel.

The pink slip on a car and a job here at this hotel.

Besides which I'm a confirmed and dedicated traveler.

Besides which I'm a confirmed and dedicated traveler.

Ulysses without Penelope, Jason without a fleece.

Ulysses without Penelope, Jason without a fleece.

I'm going but I don't know where.

Look at these hands, look at those calluses

Look at these hands, look at those calluses

and knobs and scars, the marks of 50 jobs

and knobs and scars, the marks of 50 jobs

in 50 different cities.

- [Children] Thank you Mr. Tod Stiles for your generosity

- [Children] Thank you Mr. Tod Stiles for your generosity

and for making our orphanage such a wonderful place to live.

and for making our orphanage such a wonderful place to live.

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

- You want it portable, Mr. Stiles,

or somewhere permanent?

or somewhere permanent?

- What is it?

- Your ticker tape, stocks, commodities.

- [Linc] In his suite, gentlemen.

- [Linc] In his suite, gentlemen.

(children singing)

(children singing)

- Oh thank you Mr. Stiles, the rooms are beautiful!

- What happened to the wheelchairs?

- What happened to the wheelchairs?

- It's the weather, a real tonic.

- A miracle!

- A miracle!

- Oh come on kids, let's level.

We're very special girls, Mr. Stiles.

We're very special girls, Mr. Stiles.

We follow the sun and the men who like to get a tan.

We follow the sun and the men who like to get a tan.

Now Harlan Livingston III we adore him,

but we're well now and he's lost interest in us.

but we're well now and he's lost interest in us.

- The only girl who could ever bell that cat

- The only girl who could ever bell that cat

and his 50 million is someone who needs

a really serious operation,

a really serious operation,

like the head maybe or the heart.

- Will you kids shut up!

- Will you kids shut up!

- He's funny that guy you know but we want

a really groovy person like you who will appreciate

a really groovy person like you who will appreciate

the healthy, red-blooded girl.

the healthy, red-blooded girl.

- [Jeanelle] Any objections, honey?

- I'd say you've got more Penelopes

- I'd say you've got more Penelopes

than any one Ulysses is entitled to!

("Three Blind Mice" instrumental)

("Three Blind Mice" instrumental)

- I polished the wheelchairs all day long

- I polished the wheelchairs all day long

but it doesn't seem to help.

Please come with me, Uncle Frank.

Please come with me, Uncle Frank.

Somewhere here in St. Augustine

there's a deserving girl in pain.

there's a deserving girl in pain.

Some girl who needs help.

- You know, the more I think of it,

- You know, the more I think of it,

the more I'm sure Van Ossinoff is your man.

the more I'm sure Van Ossinoff is your man.

He doesn't use a couch.

- I can close my eyes and feel the pain,

- I can close my eyes and feel the pain,

somewhere nearby.

- He uses an old barber chair he got from Dodge City.

- He uses an old barber chair he got from Dodge City.

- He uses an old barber chair he got from Dodge City.

Very evocative, take a pill.

(reel spinning)

(reel spinning)

- That boat there,

much nicer than a converted aircraft carrier.

much nicer than a converted aircraft carrier.

And look at that nice man.

And look at that nice man.

Not running around with all kinds of wild women

Not running around with all kinds of wild women

like that playboy Stiles.

And see how distinguished he looks.

And see how distinguished he looks.

And how lonely.

And how lonely.

- Ma, I wanna go home, back to New Jersey

- Ma, I wanna go home, back to New Jersey

where we belong.

- I read a book once about the Aztecs.

- I read a book once about the Aztecs.

They used to sacrifice young maidens.

They used to sacrifice young maidens.

Baby all I have in mind is a little operation.

Baby all I have in mind is a little operation.

Just some nice, neat, normal surgery.

Just some nice, neat, normal surgery.

- Ma!

- Is that too much for your old mama to ask?

- Is that too much for your old mama to ask?

(playful music)

(playful music)

(piano music)

(piano music)

(knocking)

- Everything comfy cozy?

- Everything comfy cozy?

- Comfy cozy.

- Beautiful.

Hi girls, Tod.

- Oh hello Harlan. - Hi Harlan.

- Oh hello Harlan. - Hi Harlan.

- That's Keyboard Kelly from Kansas City.

I flew him in for the afternoon, I hope you don't mind.

I flew him in for the afternoon, I hope you don't mind.

- Doesn't everybody have his own piano player?

- Doesn't everybody have his own piano player?

- And everybody needs his own lesson

- And everybody needs his own lesson

so if some people start playing games,

so if some people start playing games,

some other people might keep playing games

until the world uncle comes out loud and clear.

until the world uncle comes out loud and clear.

until the world uncle comes out loud and clear.

Until the white flag goes up.

And the terms are unconditional surrender

And the terms are unconditional surrender

and a full apology.

Do see if my friend would like some champagne, would you?

Do see if my friend would like some champagne, would you?

- It's a lovely vintage, Harlan.

- It's a lovely vintage, Harlan.

Tod had a long chat with the vintner yesterday

before having it flown in.

before having it flown in.

- Honey, would you put a little more polish on the big toe?

- Honey, would you put a little more polish on the big toe?

- Oh yes darling.

- The vintner incidentally is in the south of France.

- The vintner incidentally is in the south of France.

- It's very good.

- It's very good.

Tod you know I'm terribly worried.

- Well, good, it's beginning to get to you, huh?

- I've been all over St. Augustine

- I've been all over St. Augustine

but all the girls are so healthy.

but all the girls are so healthy.

Do you know any needy cases?

Do you know any needy cases?

- Why don't you try the classified directory?

- Why don't you try the classified directory?

- That's not very funny.

- Well do you think I'm enjoying all this?

- Well do you think I'm enjoying all this?

- No, I don't think you're enjoying all this, but

- No, I don't think you're enjoying all this, but

that's why you're my friend.

I didn't mean to bring you any pain,

I didn't mean to bring you any pain,

just a little understanding.

Unfortunately they always seem to go together.

Unfortunately they always seem to go together.

Dinner at seven tonight?

Dinner at seven tonight?

I'll raise the white flag.

- Wait a minute, surrender won't do,

- Wait a minute, surrender won't do,

I want reparation.

Look, I really dig a girl here in this hotel

Look, I really dig a girl here in this hotel

for the first time in a long time

for the first time in a long time

that you're ruining.

Not only that, you've got me hung up

with these three parasites now I'm warning you Harlan,

with these three parasites now I'm warning you Harlan,

you get me off the hook or I'm liable to buy that

you get me off the hook or I'm liable to buy that

aircraft carrier and charge it to you.

aircraft carrier and charge it to you.

- Ladies of the parasite guild.

- Ladies of the parasite guild.

All he has is a nice car, freckles, and not a dime.

All he has is a nice car, freckles, and not a dime.

Sorry.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- Doctor, in here, hurry!

- What?

- What?

- She's worse than ever.

- I'm not a doctor and who's worse than ever?

- Oh I'm sorry, of course you're not a doctor,

- Oh I'm sorry, of course you're not a doctor,

you don't have a bag.

I told them downstairs to send up the house doctor

I told them downstairs to send up the house doctor

and I thought, my daughter, she's worse than ever.

and I thought, my daughter, she's worse than ever.

These attacks are getting worse and worse,

These attacks are getting worse and worse,

please hold her hand while I call downstairs again?

please hold her hand while I call downstairs again?

Operator, you must send the doctor up here at once.

Operator, you must send the doctor up here at once.

My daughter's had another spell.

I think it's her brain.

I think it's her brain.

(light music)

(light music)

- Don't worry, she's in good hands.

- Don't worry, she's in good hands.

- Harlan, in all the history of man's inhumanity to man,

- Harlan, in all the history of man's inhumanity to man,

you've reached a new low.

There's nothing wrong with Doree that she and I

There's nothing wrong with Doree that she and I

can't work out together.

By ourselves.

By ourselves.

I'm not gonna let you turn her into one of your parasites.

I'm not gonna let you turn her into one of your parasites.

- I have reason to believe it's a severe case of narcolepsy.

- Horse feathers.

- Horse feathers.

- Alright, let's assume it's a case of horse feathers.

- Alright, let's assume it's a case of horse feathers.

Better a thousand girls not in pain get some help

from a concerned human being than one girl

from a concerned human being than one girl

really in pain be denied.

Well?

Well?

- Well it could be almost anything.

It could be-- - Narcolepsy?

It could be-- - Narcolepsy?

- May the saints preserve us, what is narcolepsy?

- Harlan, will you please shut up?

- Harlan, will you please shut up?

- You don't know what it's like living with this.

- You don't know what it's like living with this.

Never knowing.

- Knowing what, Mrs. Hunter?

- Knowing what, Mrs. Hunter?

- Well I don't know anything about medicine

except what I see on TV.

except what I see on TV.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- But I'm a mother.

And I say it's in the head.

And I say it's in the head.

I think there's some pressure on a small part

I think there's some pressure on a small part

of my poor child's brain.

of my poor child's brain.

- Well she's gonna have the best money can buy.

- I think I need a drink.

- I think I need a drink.

- You see, this part of the brain that makes us selfish,

this part that makes us be cruel to one another,

this part that makes us be cruel to one another,

well my poor little baby doesn't have that.

well my poor little baby doesn't have that.

All she can do is be sweet and loving

All she can do is be sweet and loving

and generous and kind and forgiving.

and generous and kind and forgiving.

Well a person like that doesn't stand a chance.

Well a person like that doesn't stand a chance.

I read somewhere that doctors are making a study of this

I read somewhere that doctors are making a study of this

and they found the same disease to be quite common

and they found the same disease to be quite common

to most of the saints.

This terrible pressure.

This terrible pressure.

- On second thought I think I'll have a double.

- On second thought I think I'll have a double.

- Mama.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

- She says the strangest things during these spells.

- She says the strangest things during these spells.

- You put something in my coffee.

- You see?

- We've been poor for so long,

she's liable to try almost anything.

she's liable to try almost anything.

But she's really a very nice person.

But she's really a very nice person.

- Good all the way through, can't say anything bad

about anybody.

about anybody.

- She tried to fool you, Mr. Livingston.

So you'd meet me and maybe love me,

So you'd meet me and maybe love me,

but that's not love.

(soft music)

(soft music)

- Baby, you'll catch your death!

(crying out) (splashing)

(crying out) (splashing)

- He is the finest surgeon in the country

- He is the finest surgeon in the country

for this kind of work, so relax, will you?

for this kind of work, so relax, will you?

Thank you gentlemen, he's as ready now as he'll ever be.

Thank you gentlemen, he's as ready now as he'll ever be.

Now then, before they come in to take you away

Now then, before they come in to take you away

there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

Particularly because you have the worst case

of tonsillitis I've ever seen and consequently

of tonsillitis I've ever seen and consequently

have no voice to interrupt me.

have no voice to interrupt me.

If you are going to resume your adolescent chasing of girls

If you are going to resume your adolescent chasing of girls

under the pretense that you are Richard the Lionhearted

under the pretense that you are Richard the Lionhearted

carrying on a crusade against the Saracen pain,

carrying on a crusade against the Saracen pain,

I'm going to take the next plane to New York.

I'm going to take the next plane to New York.

I'll forget about my new wing on the clinic.

I'll forget about my new wing on the clinic.

What?

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

You mean that that million dollars has been in my account

You mean that that million dollars has been in my account

all this time?

This past eight months?

Why?

Why?

Because Dad and I felt you were working too hard

Because Dad and I felt you were working too hard

and were heading for a breakdown

and were heading for a breakdown

and it was the only way we thought we could get you

and it was the only way we thought we could get you

to take a vacation.

to take a vacation.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

All this time, Harlan.

All this time I thought I was taking care of you.

All this time I thought I was taking care of you.

And all this time I was the patient.

And all this time I was the patient.

(door closes)

(door closes)

- I'll have to ask you to step outside, doctor,

we're about ready.

we're about ready.

- No no no, you can't go in there.

- It's my fault he fell in the river and he needs me.

- It's my fault he fell in the river and he needs me.

- Doree!

- If I could go through this instead of you I'd gladly.

I feel so bad I may never speak to Mom again!

I feel so bad I may never speak to Mom again!

What if something happens to you?

What if something happens to you?

Is he in much pain?

- Oh absolute agony, my dear.

- Oh absolute agony, my dear.

- Oh no.

Oh I'll stay right by your side,

Oh I'll stay right by your side,

I'll nurse you back to health.

Oh.

- She called me a monster.

- Yeah, well I'm not throwing any stones myself today.

- Yeah, well I'm not throwing any stones myself today.

You took your best shot for money, so did I,

You took your best shot for money, so did I,

so why don't we monsters just go and get ourselves

a little drink?

a little drink?

- Harlan, I'm sorry.

- Harlan, I'm sorry.

- Not enough, tell him the rest.

- Not enough, tell him the rest.

- I don't know why, but Linc's got me convinced

you're not wacky, the rest of us are.

you're not wacky, the rest of us are.

- Did you see the way she looked at me?

Dirt, I'm dirt, just for trying.

Dirt, I'm dirt, just for trying.

- You know they make a rather

nice looking couple, don't they?

nice looking couple, don't they?

- Well how about that?

- Well how about that?

(light music)

(light music)

- I don't wanna hear about the major.

- I don't wanna hear about the major.

- Pumpkin grape?

Jamaican coconut.

Vanilla.

But that's my favorite too!

But a special person like you Mr. Livingston, vanilla?

But a special person like you Mr. Livingston, vanilla?

Okay, I'll have it ready, a whole gallon!

Okay, I'll have it ready, a whole gallon!

(jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

- [Announcer] A Screen Gems presentation.

- [Announcer] A Screen Gems presentation.

Herbert D. Leonard, executive producer.

Herbert D. Leonard, executive producer.

(Columbia Pictures jingle)

(Columbia Pictures jingle)