All language subtitles for Route66 - S04E19 (This is Going to Hurt Me More Than it Hurts You)

(motor rumbling)

(ship horn blowing)

(ship horn blowing)

(railroad crossing
bells ringing)

(railroad crossing
bells ringing)

- Impossible.

- Oh, that's even better.

- Oh, that's even better.

The Cathedral of St. Augustine.

The Cathedral of St. Augustine.

The oldest parish
in the country.

Listen to this, 1594, only
100 years after Columbus.

Listen to this, 1594, only
100 years after Columbus.

(seagulls squawking)

(seagulls squawking)

- It's supposed to be
a seven year pilgrimage

- It's supposed to be
a seven year pilgrimage

to Japan.

- Here's the thing
we have to see,

the Plaza de la Constitucion
laid out in 1598.

the Plaza de la Constitucion
laid out in 1598.

Japan.

Governage.

- To study zen archery.

- To study zen archery.

You know they don't let
you touch a bow and arrow

for four years, not until
you become a bow and arrow.

for four years, not until
you become a bow and arrow.

Hey Harlan, up here!

Hey Harlan, up here!

- Bulldog, bulldog,
rah, rah, rah!

- Bulldog, bulldog,
rah, rah, rah!

Bulldog, bulldog, sis boom bah!

Bulldog, bulldog, sis boom bah!

Eli, Eli, Eli, yell!

Give us a bulldog!

- You know, if I had good sense,

I'd cut out in the
opposite direction.

I'd cut out in the
opposite direction.

- Friend or foe?

- Oh, the best friend
I had in school.

And my worst enemy.

You know, I almost made
that trip to Japan with him?

You know, I almost made
that trip to Japan with him?

I'm older and wiser now.

I'm older and wiser now.

I can handle Harlan
Livingston III.

I can handle Harlan
Livingston III.

(jazzy music)

- If I couldn't get him
with a deviated septum,

it's a cinch, she won't
make it with adhesions.

it's a cinch, she won't
make it with adhesions.

- I don't even thing
she has adhesions.

- I don't even thing
she has adhesions.

- You know you can't
fool Dr. Hillman.

- You're still here, darling.

- But darlin', I'm so weak.

- But darlin', I'm so weak.

- Alright, stop it you two.

- Alright, stop it you two.

Barbara's a phony, a
momentary diversion.

(forced coughing)

(forced coughing)

(playful music)

- Do you know who sent you?

Oh, I adore you, Margaret.

Oh, I adore you, Margaret.

- Barbara, Mr.
Livingston, it's Barbara.

- Barbara, of course,
Margaret was kidney stones.

- Barbara, of course,
Margaret was kidney stones.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- The last I heard of
you, you were in Japan

about to become a bow and arrow.

about to become a bow and arrow.

- Kismet, that's who.

- What are you now?

- What are you now?

(upbeat playful band music)

(upbeat playful band music)

(siren blaring)

(bright music)

(bright music)

- You remember Frank?

- Frank Tomcutter, the
bartender with palsy?

- Frank Tomcutter, the
bartender with palsy?

- My uncle Frank, the
Dr. Frank Hillman.

- My uncle Frank, the
Dr. Frank Hillman.

Well,

my uncle Frank insists
Barbara's faking,

my uncle Frank insists
Barbara's faking,

trying to fool me.

I can't seem to
make him understand

how about I feel
about people in pain

how about I feel
about people in pain

or even people who
pretend to have pain.

or even people who
pretend to have pain.

How have you been?

How have you been?

- No pain.

- Where have you been?

What is it?

What is it?

Ah, four years.

- Pillar to post
and back to pillar.

- Pillar to post
and back to pillar.

- It's not like the
good old days, is it?

- It's not like the
good old days, is it?

- It's just like
the good old days.

- It's just like
the good old days.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- How's it going Uncle Frank?

- It's all over, Harlan.

- All over?

- All over?

You mean--

- I mean there was no operation.

- We were too late?

- We were too late?

- There's no operation
because there's no need

of an operation.

of an operation.

- No adhesions?

No resection of the pericardium?

No resection of the pericardium?

- Resection of my
sister's black cat's foot.

- Resection of my
sister's black cat's foot.

She's healthier than a weed.

- What about her QRS complexes?

- What about her QRS complexes?

Those inverted T-waves?

- Two other doctors
have examined her.

In their considered
opinion, she is exactly

In their considered
opinion, she is exactly

what I told you she was when
you first met her in Miami.

what I told you she was when
you first met her in Miami.

A malingerer, a gold
brick, and a fraud.

A malingerer, a gold
brick, and a fraud.

Now, can we get out of here
and get some breakfast?

Now, can we get out of here
and get some breakfast?

- Tod, this is
Dr. Frank Hillman.

Tod Stiles, Yale, my class.

Tod Stiles, Yale, my class.

- Hello.

- I could have sworn she
was in critical condition,

- I could have sworn she
was in critical condition,

if not in extremis.

- The only one in critical
condition around here is you.

- The only one in critical
condition around here is you.

- Uh, my uncle considers
me a severe case

of hyper empathy.

of hyper empathy.

Uncle Frank, you know how
I hate saying goodbyes

Uncle Frank, you know how
I hate saying goodbyes

and I was wondering...

- Absolutely not.

- Wait for me.

- Goodbye, Mr. Stiles.

- Doctor.

I've just been through
an incredible 15 minutes.

I've just been through
an incredible 15 minutes.

- I just been through an
incredible eight months.

- Did this really happen
or did I dream it?

- Did this really happen
or did I dream it?

- Don't pinch yourself,
it's bad for the tissues.

- Don't pinch yourself,
it's bad for the tissues.

- How long has he
been on this kick?

- How long has he
been on this kick?

- Mr. Stiles, I have a
practice in New York.

- Mr. Stiles, I have a
practice in New York.

I also have two
harassed colleagues

who call me every morning.

who call me every morning.

"Frank," they say, "why
don't you come home

"and shoulder your
part of the burden?

"and shoulder your
part of the burden?

"Forget about that
millions dollars?"

"Forget about that
millions dollars?"

You see Mr. Stiles, my
brother, Harlan's father,

You see Mr. Stiles, my
brother, Harlan's father,

made an especially appealing
speech to me on his deathbed.

made an especially appealing
speech to me on his deathbed.

He said, "Stay with
Harlan for one year,

He said, "Stay with
Harlan for one year,

"do the best you can to
guide him and lead him,

"do the best you can to
guide him and lead him,

"and I will donate
one million dollars

"and I will donate
one million dollars

"to your research clinic."

Oh what men will do for
the sake of science.

Oh what men will do for
the sake of science.

- First a bow and arrow, now
he wants to be a bandage.

- First a bow and arrow, now
he wants to be a bandage.

- He keeps finding pretty
girls without money.

- He keeps finding pretty
girls without money.

Ostensibly in pain
who need surgery.

Ostensibly in pain
who need surgery.

He sees to it that
they get their surgery,

plus a convalescence
aboard his yacht.

plus a convalescence
aboard his yacht.

More critical their complaint,

the more passionate
his infatuation.

the more passionate
his infatuation.

The way I see it the
first kidney transplant

The way I see it the
first kidney transplant

that gets to him
hits the jackpot.

that gets to him
hits the jackpot.

Mrs. Harlan Livingston III.

Mrs. Harlan Livingston III.

- Well, that was painless,
she'd already left in a huff.

- Well, that was painless,
she'd already left in a huff.

- Chauffer driven, of course.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

Oh, just once more before
I die I'd like to see

the Statue of Liberty.

the Statue of Liberty.

- He thinks I'm neurotic.

- And I know a doctor in
New York on Park Avenue

- And I know a doctor in
New York on Park Avenue

I'd like to have talk
with Harlan an hour a day,

I'd like to have talk
with Harlan an hour a day,

five days a week for
the next 10 years.

- I offered to do it by mail.

- I offered to do it by mail.

- Oh you...

- Well, how about
some breakfast?

- I can't go with you,
I've got to go to work

at the Hotel Ponce de Leon.

at the Hotel Ponce de Leon.

Like I'm already late and
it's a good job and I need it.

Like I'm already late and
it's a good job and I need it.

- And I also recognized
a bite in your words

- And I also recognized
a bite in your words

and the editorial in
that tone of voice.

You still resent my money!

You still resent my money!

- Oh, only because
I don't have it.

- Oh, only because
I don't have it.

- How much are they paying you?

- How much are they paying you?

- Oh, American dollars.

- Oh, American dollars.

- I'll give you 1,000
American dollars

- I'll give you 1,000
American dollars

for one week's work.

I want you to play
Pied Piper for me.

I want you to play
Pied Piper for me.

Now you're gonna love Andrea.

Now you're gonna love Andrea.

And Jeanelle, she's a doll.

And Jeanelle, she's a doll.

And Cindy, well
she's the greatest...

And Cindy, well
she's the greatest...

You'll love her too.

You'll love her too.

But they're all advanced
post operatives.

But they're all advanced
post operatives.

And goodbye's not only the
saddest word in the language,

And goodbye's not only the
saddest word in the language,

it's another kind of thing.

So you come on the scene,
they'll run after you

So you come on the scene,
they'll run after you

and I won't have to
say goodbye, see?

and I won't have to
say goodbye, see?

- Oh Harlan look everybody knows

what a devastating
character I am,

what a devastating
character I am,

loaded with charm.

I'm not gonna be able to lure
even a half intelligent girl

I'm not gonna be able to lure
even a half intelligent girl

off your yacht!

- Suppose they think
you're richer than I am.

- Suppose they think
you're richer than I am.

Fun, huh?

And also $1,000 for the week.

And also $1,000 for the week.

- So long, Harlan.

- $2,000.

- $2,000.

- This isn't the first
time this has happened

- This isn't the first
time this has happened

or the fifteenth!

What's so special
about these three?

What's so special
about these three?

- They're organized,
they're a guild, a union,

and they're bargaining
to cut me up.

and they're bargaining
to cut me up.

Now Cindy wants a wedding ring

and Andrea wants the informal
pleasure of my company

and Andrea wants the informal
pleasure of my company

forever and ever.

forever and ever.

Jeanelle is willing
to leave but in return

for a 50 year pension
plan with fringe benefits.

for a 50 year pension
plan with fringe benefits.

Mind you they hate each other,

Mind you they hate each other,

but not enough to keep
'em from working together.

- Well tell 'em
to jump overboard.

- Well tell 'em
to jump overboard.

- It seems that at the
height of their illnesses

- It seems that at the
height of their illnesses

I made some rash
commitments and now each has

two corroborating witnesses

two corroborating witnesses

which mean three
terrible things.

which mean three
terrible things.

Breach of promise.

You gotta help me, Tod.

You gotta help me, Tod.

- Oh I have the answer
for you, Harlan.

Three simple things.

Three simple things.

You jump overboard.

(playful music)

- Forgive me for
what I'm about to do.

- Forgive me for
what I'm about to do.

- 85 cents.

- Which credit plan are you on?

- Which credit plan are you on?

See we had to stop for
gas back on the road

and I went in to call the
hotel and I asked my buddy

and I went in to call the
hotel and I asked my buddy

to pay the bill but
when I came back

I forgot to get my wallet back!

I forgot to get my wallet back!

That's when I saw Harlan,
he was on the boat,

he was overempathizing, I
wound up in an ambulance,

he was overempathizing, I
wound up in an ambulance,

but it's okay, I'll go
right in and find him.

but it's okay, I'll go
right in and find him.

- How much does he owe you?

- A big 85 cents.

- A big 85 cents.

- Here's a dollar and a quarter.

- Here's a dollar and a quarter.

I know what it's like, I'm
forever losing my purse

or my keys--

- Or your head.

- Are you staying here?

- Two weeks!

- Who do I ask for so
I can pay you back?

- Who do I ask for so
I can pay you back?

(gentle jazzy music)

(gentle jazzy music)

- Baby, you promised.

- But Ma--
- Don't you but Ma me.

You promised.

You promised.

- But Ma!

- Some people are
authority on blue diamonds,

- Some people are
authority on blue diamonds,

some on blue chips, me I'm
the final authority on bums.

some on blue chips, me I'm
the final authority on bums.

That one is the
king of the bums.

Baby my last word, 24 years
of my life is invested in you.

Baby my last word, 24 years
of my life is invested in you.

And now the last $1500
of your father's pension.

And now the last $1500
of your father's pension.

For you it's make or break.

For you it's make or break.

For me it's go for broke.

Two weeks, that's all I asked.

Two weeks, that's all I asked.

You promised me two weeks to
find you a proper husband.

You promised me two weeks to
find you a proper husband.

Unless you want to spend
the rest of your life

Unless you want to spend
the rest of your life

living on the Jersey flats,
watching the traffic go by

living on the Jersey flats,
watching the traffic go by

on the Pulaski Skyway.

- I hate the Pulaski Skyway.

- I hate the Pulaski Skyway.

- Baby, the good lord
blessed you and cursed you,

- Baby, the good lord
blessed you and cursed you,

all with one touch of his wand.

Beauty he blessed you with, a
big heart he blessed you with,

Beauty he blessed you with, a
big heart he blessed you with,

Beauty he blessed you with, a
big heart he blessed you with,

but the best endowment
any woman can have,

the natural capacity for
guile, that he forgot.

the natural capacity for
guile, that he forgot.

the natural capacity for
guile, that he forgot.

- I'll try Mama, honest.

- Marriage is
different today, baby.

- Marriage is
different today, baby.

Not so much romance, a
little more partnership.

Not so much romance, a
little more partnership.

Two people running a
business with assets

like furniture, a set of
silver and good accessories.

like furniture, a set of
silver and good accessories.

like furniture, a set of
silver and good accessories.

Try to think of it that way
baby, it'll be easier for you.

Try to think of it that way
baby, it'll be easier for you.

- Okay Mama.

(light music)

(light music)

(easy music)

- Well, bread cast upon
the water brings back $1.25

- Well, bread cast upon
the water brings back $1.25

plus interest, how
about dinner tonight?

plus interest, how
about dinner tonight?

- When do you expect
the social director?

- He's at lunch.

- He's at lunch.

A leisurely lunch,
I'm the new associate.

A leisurely lunch,
I'm the new associate.

May I serve?

- I want a schedule of
the social activities

for the next two weeks.

for the next two weeks.

- Please!

- Well the choice events
aren't listed on the sheet.

- Well the choice events
aren't listed on the sheet.

- Well the choice events
aren't listed on the sheet.

The sheet, for instance,
makes no mention of the moon

rising over the southern bastion

rising over the southern bastion

of the Castillo de San Carlos.

of the Castillo de San Carlos.

The oldest standing
fortification in the USA.

The oldest standing
fortification in the USA.

- You are looking at
the oldest standing

- You are looking at
the oldest standing

fortification in the USA, me.

fortification in the USA, me.

Doree.

- You know, I knew
this major overseas,

he specialized in women.

he specialized in women.

Would you care to hear one
of the major's sayings?

Would you care to hear one
of the major's sayings?

Well the major said when the
mother starts looking good

to you, that's when the
daughter already has you hooked.

to you, that's when the
daughter already has you hooked.

Now that mother who
just walked out,

20 years from now that's
how daughter will look.

20 years from now that's
how daughter will look.

- Yeah, but think of all
those good years in between.

- Yeah, but think of all
those good years in between.

- Yeah, but think of all
those good years in between.

- Okay, I warned ya.

- Okay, I warned ya.

Why'd you call?

- Harlan Livingston III
called and requests the honor

- Harlan Livingston III
called and requests the honor

of our presence at dinner,
the Main Salon at seven.

of our presence at dinner,
the Main Salon at seven.

- You know something
buddy, ever since he's been

- You know something
buddy, ever since he's been

on the scene, you're different.

There's a new look in
your eye, kind of a wild,

There's a new look in
your eye, kind of a wild,

unpredictable, like a
horse who smells smoke.

unpredictable, like a
horse who smells smoke.

- That's not smoke,
that's Doree.

- That's not smoke,
that's Doree.

- And the sap's rising.

(light music)

(light music)

- How'd you like to make $1,000?

- How'd you like to make $1,000?

- I make $1,000 all the time.

- I make $1,000 all the time.

Course it may take me anywhere
from two to three months.

- A week, five days.

- A week, five days.

I'm Harlan Livingston.

I'm Harlan Livingston.

- Oh, the bow and arrow, almost.

- Pretend to be his
bodyguard, $1,000.

- Pretend to be his
bodyguard, $1,000.

- Why?

- Because I'm desperate and
the only way I can get out

- Because I'm desperate and
the only way I can get out

is to put your friend in.

is to put your friend in.

- Put him in what?

- Old clothes, the aura
of being a millionaire,

- Old clothes, the aura
of being a millionaire,

and also the company
of three lovely girls

and also the company
of three lovely girls

I'm trying to get rid of.

- Tell me more.

- Well, your friend Tod
thinks I'm an eccentric.

- Well, your friend Tod
thinks I'm an eccentric.

You know 'cause I like to
help girls who need surgery.

You know 'cause I like to
help girls who need surgery.

I meet a lot of girls that way.

I meet a lot of girls that way.

On top of that I
do a lot of good.

Well you know, what's
so crazy about that?

Well you know, what's
so crazy about that?

Like suppose I kept a
string of racing ponies

Like suppose I kept a
string of racing ponies

or a string of divorced wives,
or a string of factories.

or a string of divorced wives,
or a string of factories.

That's normal?

- You sound sane to me.

- You sound sane to me.

- Well pretend to be
the bodyguard, $1,000,

- Well pretend to be
the bodyguard, $1,000,

I'll do the rest.

- And I don't ask what
the rest is, right?

- And I don't ask what
the rest is, right?

- Right.

- Okay.

This is gonna hurt me
more than it does him.

This is gonna hurt me
more than it does him.

(phone ringing)

(playful music)

(playful music)

- I'll take it sir.

- I'll take it sir.

- No thank you young
man, this is my pleasure.

- No thank you young
man, this is my pleasure.

- He's not only poor,
he's probably married.

- He's not only poor,
he's probably married.

- He'd never look at me
like that if he was married.

- He'd never look at me
like that if he was married.

- This is Andrea, appendectomy.

- This is Andrea, appendectomy.

This is Jeanelle, slipped disk.

This is Cindy, deviated septum.

This is Cindy, deviated septum.

All doing nicely.

- My friend Linc
Case, hard nose.

- I'll take the deviated septum,

- I'll take the deviated septum,

you take the appendectomy.

- You can usually find a likely
candidate at dinner time.

- You can usually find a likely
candidate at dinner time.

If a man eats alone and
studies the financial section,

If a man eats alone and
studies the financial section,

you're on the right track.

you're on the right track.

Take that one over there.

Take that one over there.

The one who's so
interestingly losing his hair.

The one who's so
interestingly losing his hair.

Doree.

- Toast to our host,
my old chum Tod.

- Toast to our host,
my old chum Tod.

The most self-effacing,
the most successful,

The most self-effacing,
the most successful,

the most modest man
I've ever known.

the most modest man
I've ever known.

- No!

- Sir.

- To my boss, the
most democratic man
I've ever worked for.

- To my boss, the
most democratic man
I've ever worked for.

(giggles)

(giggles)

Okay boss.

- So what should I
do with the suits?

- What suits?

- What suits?

- [Porter] The ones
you ordered, sir.

- Look you have the wrong guy.

- Oh no Mr. Stiles, you gave
me 100 bucks this afternoon,

you said go out and buy some
old suits and old shoes.

you said go out and buy some
old suits and old shoes.

I've been door to door all day

and I've bought you a bunch
of junk just like you wanted.

Size 40 on the suits.

Size 40 on the suits.

- Mm hmm.

- [Porter] Size 11 on the shoes?

- Mm hmm.

- Mm hmm.

- I even picked up some
beat up old shirts.

- No that's very smart, see.

- No that's very smart, see.

Nobody knows who he is,
everybody'll think he's a bum.

Nobody knows who he is,
everybody'll think he's a bum.

- Now what is it
this time, Harlan?

- Now what is it
this time, Harlan?

- He's clean, boss.

- He's clean, boss.

- What's with the frisking?

- I'm sorry to bother you
at dinner, Mr. Stiles,

- I'm sorry to bother you
at dinner, Mr. Stiles,

but you left this
at the bank today

and I knew you'd
be lost without it.

and I knew you'd
be lost without it.

I mean how can you tip anybody

if you don't have your
automatic dime dispenser?

if you don't have your
automatic dime dispenser?

I swear on my daughter Martha,
I never took one of them.

I swear on my daughter Martha,
I never took one of them.

- From John D. on they
saved their money,

that's very shrewd.

that's very shrewd.

- So what should I
do with the suits?

- Put them in Mr. Stiles
suite, my good man.

- Put them in Mr. Stiles
suite, my good man.

Can't you see we're
about to have dinner?

Can't you see we're
about to have dinner?

- The landing deck's
ready, Mr. Stiles.

When do you want to
check the arresting gear?

When do you want to
check the arresting gear?

- What are you talking
about, what arresting gear?

- What are you talking
about, what arresting gear?

- For your new jet sir.

The one you ordered to
match the converted carrier

The one you ordered to
match the converted carrier

you bought last month.

I'll stand by outside, sir.

- Outside, Harlan.

- I recommend the
pompano, it's delicious.

- I recommend the
pompano, it's delicious.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- Well, pompano sounds
like a capital idea.

- Well, pompano sounds
like a capital idea.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(clamoring)

(laughing)

- Get him!

(light music)

- There are two kinds of
calamity in the world,

- There are two kinds of
calamity in the world,

misfortune to ourselves
and good fortune to others.

misfortune to ourselves
and good fortune to others.

I wish you both simultaneously.

I wish you both simultaneously.

I'm gonna say this once more

I'm gonna say this once more

and I'm gonna try
to say it calmly.

and I'm gonna try
to say it calmly.

You are not my bodyguard.

- Did he fire you?

- No.

I'm getting bugged, Linc.

I'm getting bugged, Linc.

Bugged!

- If any other employee of
any other hotel in America

- If any other employee of
any other hotel in America

started a pie fight
in the dining room

he'd have been canned, right?

he'd have been canned, right?

- I offered my resignation.

- But he wouldn't
hear of it, right?

- But he wouldn't
hear of it, right?

- How'd you know?

- Oh he probably
said something about

- Oh he probably
said something about

admiring the way you go
out among the common people

admiring the way you go
out among the common people

and do menial work.

- As a matter of fact he
did say something like that,

- As a matter of fact he
did say something like that,

but I countered with
do you think it's fair

that a man of my immense
wealth should deprive

that a man of my immense
wealth should deprive

some needy youngster the
opportunity to replace me,

and he said...

and he said...

- Alright gentlemen, thank you.

- Alright gentlemen, thank you.

And he said what?

- And he said you hire
so many thousands of men

- And he said you hire
so many thousands of men

in your various factories
and enterprises, Mr. Stiles,

what's one measly
job here with us

what's one measly
job here with us

at the Ponce de Leon?

at the Ponce de Leon?

And we insist that you stay on
as associate social director.

And we insist that you stay on
as associate social director.

Matter of fact, he says he
wants me to stage a pie fight

Matter of fact, he says he
wants me to stage a pie fight

in the dining room every
night, the guests loved it.

in the dining room every
night, the guests loved it.

They thought it was
part of the floor show.

They thought it was
part of the floor show.

If you frisk one more person
I'm gonna take you apart.

If you frisk one more person
I'm gonna take you apart.

- Nobody attacks
his own bodyguard.

- Nobody attacks
his own bodyguard.

(light music)

(light music)

- I'm sorry Mama, but
I've been thinking--

- Stop thinking, it'll
ruin your complexion.

- Stop thinking, it'll
ruin your complexion.

- I'd rather watch
the Pulaski Skyway

for the rest of my life
than marry just for money.

for the rest of my life
than marry just for money.

More than anything
else in the world

I want a happy marriage.

I want a happy marriage.

- All marriages are happy.

- All marriages are happy.

It's living together
afterwards that's impossible.

It's living together
afterwards that's impossible.

Only two things can hold
a man and woman together,

Only two things can hold
a man and woman together,

Dun and Bradstreet.

- Mrs. Hunter, Doree, there's
something I want to say.

- Mrs. Hunter, Doree, there's
something I want to say.

- Sit down, young man.

- Sit down, young man.

- You know yesterday
Mrs. Hunter you were an

impregnable fortress
but today suddenly

impregnable fortress
but today suddenly

the gates have swung wide
open, now I resent that.

the gates have swung wide
open, now I resent that.

- I like the way he
talks, so forceful.

- I like the way he
talks, so forceful.

- Doree, when I first saw you,
a series of belts and levers

- Doree, when I first saw you,
a series of belts and levers

began to work.

began to work.

I looked forward to...

To being able to do
St. Augustine together.

To being able to do
St. Augustine together.

But as long as you
believe I'm a millionaire,

that's impossible!

that's impossible!

- We're not
Marxists, Mr. Stiles.

My daughter and I both believe

My daughter and I both believe

in the free enterprise system.

If a man can be as young
and as successful as you,

If a man can be as young
and as successful as you,

why should we hold
that against you?

why should we hold
that against you?

- Mrs. Hunter, I am
not a millionaire!

Unless you believe that,
unless we can get back

Unless you believe that,
unless we can get back

to yesterday's basic
honesty, you're putting

to yesterday's basic
honesty, you're putting

a big barrier
between Doree and me

and I don't want that, Doree.

and I don't want that, Doree.

- [Mrs. Hunter] Say
something, Doree.

- I have to be honest
with you, Mr. Stiles.

- I have to be honest
with you, Mr. Stiles.

- Tod.

- On second thought,
Doree, don't say something.

- On second thought,
Doree, don't say something.

- It is a barrier.

- Why was I cursed with
an honest daughter?

- Why was I cursed with
an honest daughter?

- I don't feel the
same towards you today

as I did yesterday.

as I did yesterday.

- Doree, the Pulaski Skyway.

- What could you possibly
need I could give you?

- What could you possibly
need I could give you?

- I'm leaving, three's a
company, four's a crowd.

- I'm leaving, three's a
company, four's a crowd.

- Not til we get this settled.

Now tell her, Linc.

- What, boss?

- What, boss?

- Well explain to her
what happens to people

when their paths cross that
of Harlan Livingston III,

when their paths cross that
of Harlan Livingston III,

everything goes crazy!

everything goes crazy!

- Sir, if I had $38
million dollars I wouldn't

be ashamed of it.

be ashamed of it.

- Enjoy, baby.

- Listen Doree, I have
$2200 in the bank.

- Listen Doree, I have
$2200 in the bank.

The pink slip on a car and
a job here at this hotel.

The pink slip on a car and
a job here at this hotel.

Besides which I'm a confirmed
and dedicated traveler.

Besides which I'm a confirmed
and dedicated traveler.

Ulysses without Penelope,
Jason without a fleece.

Ulysses without Penelope,
Jason without a fleece.

I'm going but I
don't know where.

Look at these hands,
look at those calluses

Look at these hands,
look at those calluses

and knobs and scars,
the marks of 50 jobs

and knobs and scars,
the marks of 50 jobs

in 50 different cities.

- [Children] Thank you Mr.
Tod Stiles for your generosity

- [Children] Thank you Mr.
Tod Stiles for your generosity

and for making our orphanage
such a wonderful place to live.

and for making our orphanage
such a wonderful place to live.

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

- You want it
portable, Mr. Stiles,

or somewhere permanent?

or somewhere permanent?

- What is it?

- Your ticker tape,
stocks, commodities.

- [Linc] In his
suite, gentlemen.

- [Linc] In his
suite, gentlemen.

(children singing)

(children singing)

- Oh thank you Mr. Stiles,
the rooms are beautiful!

- What happened to
the wheelchairs?

- What happened to
the wheelchairs?

- It's the weather,
a real tonic.

- A miracle!

- A miracle!

- Oh come on kids, let's level.

We're very special
girls, Mr. Stiles.

We're very special
girls, Mr. Stiles.

We follow the sun and the
men who like to get a tan.

We follow the sun and the
men who like to get a tan.

Now Harlan Livingston
III we adore him,

but we're well now and
he's lost interest in us.

but we're well now and
he's lost interest in us.

- The only girl who
could ever bell that cat

- The only girl who
could ever bell that cat

and his 50 million
is someone who needs

a really serious operation,

a really serious operation,

like the head
maybe or the heart.

- Will you kids shut up!

- Will you kids shut up!

- He's funny that guy
you know but we want

a really groovy person like
you who will appreciate

a really groovy person like
you who will appreciate

the healthy, red-blooded girl.

the healthy, red-blooded girl.

- [Jeanelle] Any
objections, honey?

- I'd say you've
got more Penelopes

- I'd say you've
got more Penelopes

than any one Ulysses
is entitled to!

("Three Blind
Mice" instrumental)

("Three Blind
Mice" instrumental)

- I polished the
wheelchairs all day long

- I polished the
wheelchairs all day long

but it doesn't seem to help.

Please come with
me, Uncle Frank.

Please come with
me, Uncle Frank.

Somewhere here in St. Augustine

there's a deserving
girl in pain.

there's a deserving
girl in pain.

Some girl who needs help.

- You know, the
more I think of it,

- You know, the
more I think of it,

the more I'm sure Van
Ossinoff is your man.

the more I'm sure Van
Ossinoff is your man.

He doesn't use a couch.

- I can close my eyes
and feel the pain,

- I can close my eyes
and feel the pain,

somewhere nearby.

- He uses an old barber
chair he got from Dodge City.

- He uses an old barber
chair he got from Dodge City.

- He uses an old barber
chair he got from Dodge City.

Very evocative, take a pill.

(reel spinning)

(reel spinning)

- That boat there,

much nicer than a
converted aircraft carrier.

much nicer than a
converted aircraft carrier.

And look at that nice man.

And look at that nice man.

Not running around with
all kinds of wild women

Not running around with
all kinds of wild women

like that playboy Stiles.

And see how
distinguished he looks.

And see how
distinguished he looks.

And how lonely.

And how lonely.

- Ma, I wanna go home,
back to New Jersey

- Ma, I wanna go home,
back to New Jersey

where we belong.

- I read a book once
about the Aztecs.

- I read a book once
about the Aztecs.

They used to sacrifice
young maidens.

They used to sacrifice
young maidens.

Baby all I have in mind
is a little operation.

Baby all I have in mind
is a little operation.

Just some nice,
neat, normal surgery.

Just some nice,
neat, normal surgery.

- Ma!

- Is that too much for
your old mama to ask?

- Is that too much for
your old mama to ask?

(playful music)

(playful music)

(piano music)

(piano music)

(knocking)

- Everything comfy cozy?

- Everything comfy cozy?

- Comfy cozy.

- Beautiful.

Hi girls, Tod.

- Oh hello Harlan.
- Hi Harlan.

- Oh hello Harlan.
- Hi Harlan.

- That's Keyboard
Kelly from Kansas City.

I flew him in for the afternoon,
I hope you don't mind.

I flew him in for the afternoon,
I hope you don't mind.

- Doesn't everybody have
his own piano player?

- Doesn't everybody have
his own piano player?

- And everybody
needs his own lesson

- And everybody
needs his own lesson

so if some people
start playing games,

so if some people
start playing games,

some other people might
keep playing games

until the world uncle
comes out loud and clear.

until the world uncle
comes out loud and clear.

until the world uncle
comes out loud and clear.

Until the white flag goes up.

And the terms are
unconditional surrender

And the terms are
unconditional surrender

and a full apology.

Do see if my friend would like
some champagne, would you?

Do see if my friend would like
some champagne, would you?

- It's a lovely vintage, Harlan.

- It's a lovely vintage, Harlan.

Tod had a long chat with
the vintner yesterday

before having it flown in.

before having it flown in.

- Honey, would you put a little
more polish on the big toe?

- Honey, would you put a little
more polish on the big toe?

- Oh yes darling.

- The vintner incidentally
is in the south of France.

- The vintner incidentally
is in the south of France.

- It's very good.

- It's very good.

Tod you know I'm
terribly worried.

- Well, good, it's beginning
to get to you, huh?

- I've been all
over St. Augustine

- I've been all
over St. Augustine

but all the girls
are so healthy.

but all the girls
are so healthy.

Do you know any needy cases?

Do you know any needy cases?

- Why don't you try the
classified directory?

- Why don't you try the
classified directory?

- That's not very funny.

- Well do you think
I'm enjoying all this?

- Well do you think
I'm enjoying all this?

- No, I don't think you're
enjoying all this, but

- No, I don't think you're
enjoying all this, but

that's why you're my friend.

I didn't mean to
bring you any pain,

I didn't mean to
bring you any pain,

just a little understanding.

Unfortunately they always
seem to go together.

Unfortunately they always
seem to go together.

Dinner at seven tonight?

Dinner at seven tonight?

I'll raise the white flag.

- Wait a minute,
surrender won't do,

- Wait a minute,
surrender won't do,

I want reparation.

Look, I really dig a
girl here in this hotel

Look, I really dig a
girl here in this hotel

for the first time
in a long time

for the first time
in a long time

that you're ruining.

Not only that,
you've got me hung up

with these three parasites
now I'm warning you Harlan,

with these three parasites
now I'm warning you Harlan,

you get me off the hook
or I'm liable to buy that

you get me off the hook
or I'm liable to buy that

aircraft carrier and
charge it to you.

aircraft carrier and
charge it to you.

- Ladies of the parasite guild.

- Ladies of the parasite guild.

All he has is a nice car,
freckles, and not a dime.

All he has is a nice car,
freckles, and not a dime.

Sorry.

(playful music)

(playful music)

- Doctor, in here, hurry!

- What?

- What?

- She's worse than ever.

- I'm not a doctor and
who's worse than ever?

- Oh I'm sorry, of course
you're not a doctor,

- Oh I'm sorry, of course
you're not a doctor,

you don't have a bag.

I told them downstairs to
send up the house doctor

I told them downstairs to
send up the house doctor

and I thought, my daughter,
she's worse than ever.

and I thought, my daughter,
she's worse than ever.

These attacks are
getting worse and worse,

These attacks are
getting worse and worse,

please hold her hand while
I call downstairs again?

please hold her hand while
I call downstairs again?

Operator, you must send
the doctor up here at once.

Operator, you must send
the doctor up here at once.

My daughter's had another spell.

I think it's her brain.

I think it's her brain.

(light music)

(light music)

- Don't worry,
she's in good hands.

- Don't worry,
she's in good hands.

- Harlan, in all the history
of man's inhumanity to man,

- Harlan, in all the history
of man's inhumanity to man,

you've reached a new low.

There's nothing wrong
with Doree that she and I

There's nothing wrong
with Doree that she and I

can't work out together.

By ourselves.

By ourselves.

I'm not gonna let you turn her
into one of your parasites.

I'm not gonna let you turn her
into one of your parasites.

- I have reason to believe it's
a severe case of narcolepsy.

- Horse feathers.

- Horse feathers.

- Alright, let's assume it's
a case of horse feathers.

- Alright, let's assume it's
a case of horse feathers.

Better a thousand girls
not in pain get some help

from a concerned human
being than one girl

from a concerned human
being than one girl

really in pain be denied.

Well?

Well?

- Well it could be
almost anything.

It could be--
- Narcolepsy?

It could be--
- Narcolepsy?

- May the saints preserve
us, what is narcolepsy?

- Harlan, will you
please shut up?

- Harlan, will you
please shut up?

- You don't know what it's
like living with this.

- You don't know what it's
like living with this.

Never knowing.

- Knowing what, Mrs. Hunter?

- Knowing what, Mrs. Hunter?

- Well I don't know
anything about medicine

except what I see on TV.

except what I see on TV.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- But I'm a mother.

And I say it's in the head.

And I say it's in the head.

I think there's some
pressure on a small part

I think there's some
pressure on a small part

of my poor child's brain.

of my poor child's brain.

- Well she's gonna have
the best money can buy.

- I think I need a drink.

- I think I need a drink.

- You see, this part of the
brain that makes us selfish,

this part that makes us
be cruel to one another,

this part that makes us
be cruel to one another,

well my poor little
baby doesn't have that.

well my poor little
baby doesn't have that.

All she can do is
be sweet and loving

All she can do is
be sweet and loving

and generous and
kind and forgiving.

and generous and
kind and forgiving.

Well a person like that
doesn't stand a chance.

Well a person like that
doesn't stand a chance.

I read somewhere that doctors
are making a study of this

I read somewhere that doctors
are making a study of this

and they found the same
disease to be quite common

and they found the same
disease to be quite common

to most of the saints.

This terrible pressure.

This terrible pressure.

- On second thought I
think I'll have a double.

- On second thought I
think I'll have a double.

- Mama.

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

- She says the strangest
things during these spells.

- She says the strangest
things during these spells.

- You put something
in my coffee.

- You see?

- We've been poor for so long,

she's liable to try
almost anything.

she's liable to try
almost anything.

But she's really a
very nice person.

But she's really a
very nice person.

- Good all the way through,
can't say anything bad

about anybody.

about anybody.

- She tried to fool
you, Mr. Livingston.

So you'd meet me
and maybe love me,

So you'd meet me
and maybe love me,

but that's not love.

(soft music)

(soft music)

- Baby, you'll catch your death!

(crying out)
(splashing)

(crying out)
(splashing)

- He is the finest
surgeon in the country

- He is the finest
surgeon in the country

for this kind of work,
so relax, will you?

for this kind of work,
so relax, will you?

Thank you gentlemen, he's as
ready now as he'll ever be.

Thank you gentlemen, he's as
ready now as he'll ever be.

Now then, before they
come in to take you away

Now then, before they
come in to take you away

there are a few things I'd
like to get off my chest.

there are a few things I'd
like to get off my chest.

Particularly because
you have the worst case

of tonsillitis I've ever
seen and consequently

of tonsillitis I've ever
seen and consequently

have no voice to interrupt me.

have no voice to interrupt me.

If you are going to resume your
adolescent chasing of girls

If you are going to resume your
adolescent chasing of girls

under the pretense that you
are Richard the Lionhearted

under the pretense that you
are Richard the Lionhearted

carrying on a crusade
against the Saracen pain,

carrying on a crusade
against the Saracen pain,

I'm going to take the
next plane to New York.

I'm going to take the
next plane to New York.

I'll forget about my
new wing on the clinic.

I'll forget about my
new wing on the clinic.

What?

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

You mean that that million
dollars has been in my account

You mean that that million
dollars has been in my account

all this time?

This past eight months?

Why?

Why?

Because Dad and I felt
you were working too hard

Because Dad and I felt
you were working too hard

and were heading for a breakdown

and were heading for a breakdown

and it was the only way we
thought we could get you

and it was the only way we
thought we could get you

to take a vacation.

to take a vacation.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

All this time, Harlan.

All this time I thought
I was taking care of you.

All this time I thought
I was taking care of you.

And all this time
I was the patient.

And all this time
I was the patient.

(door closes)

(door closes)

- I'll have to ask you
to step outside, doctor,

we're about ready.

we're about ready.

- No no no, you
can't go in there.

- It's my fault he fell in
the river and he needs me.

- It's my fault he fell in
the river and he needs me.

- Doree!

- If I could go through this
instead of you I'd gladly.

I feel so bad I may
never speak to Mom again!

I feel so bad I may
never speak to Mom again!

What if something
happens to you?

What if something
happens to you?

Is he in much pain?

- Oh absolute agony, my dear.

- Oh absolute agony, my dear.

- Oh no.

Oh I'll stay right by your side,

Oh I'll stay right by your side,

I'll nurse you back to health.

Oh.

- She called me a monster.

- Yeah, well I'm not throwing
any stones myself today.

- Yeah, well I'm not throwing
any stones myself today.

You took your best shot
for money, so did I,

You took your best shot
for money, so did I,

so why don't we monsters
just go and get ourselves

a little drink?

a little drink?

- Harlan, I'm sorry.

- Harlan, I'm sorry.

- Not enough, tell him the rest.

- Not enough, tell him the rest.

- I don't know why, but
Linc's got me convinced

you're not wacky,
the rest of us are.

you're not wacky,
the rest of us are.

- Did you see the
way she looked at me?

Dirt, I'm dirt, just for trying.

Dirt, I'm dirt, just for trying.

- You know they make a rather

nice looking couple, don't they?

nice looking couple, don't they?

- Well how about that?

- Well how about that?

(light music)

(light music)

- I don't wanna hear
about the major.

- I don't wanna hear
about the major.

- Pumpkin grape?

Jamaican coconut.

Vanilla.

But that's my favorite too!

But a special person like
you Mr. Livingston, vanilla?

But a special person like
you Mr. Livingston, vanilla?

Okay, I'll have it
ready, a whole gallon!

Okay, I'll have it
ready, a whole gallon!

(jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

- [Announcer] A Screen
Gems presentation.

- [Announcer] A Screen
Gems presentation.

Herbert D. Leonard,
executive producer.

Herbert D. Leonard,
executive producer.

(Columbia Pictures jingle)

(Columbia Pictures jingle)