Original subtitles

(spirited music)

(spirited music)

(parade music) (indistinct shouting)

(parade music) (indistinct shouting)

(indistinct chattering)

(parade music) (indistinct chattering)

(parade music) (indistinct chattering)

(parade music) (indistinct chattering)

(parade music) (indistinct chattering)

(camera clicks) - Congratulations.

- Congratulations for what?

- Congratulations for what?

- You're the millionth car that's driven into

downtown Minneapolis during the month of the Aquatennial.

downtown Minneapolis during the month of the Aquatennial.

All right!

- Okay, fellas. (indistinct shouting and cheering)

- Okay, fellas. (indistinct shouting and cheering)

- Is that good?

- Not if you hate girls!

Lottie!

Lottie!

(seductive music)

(seductive music)

(camera clicks)

That'll wrap it up, fellas.

Get that into the Tribune, will ya?

Get that into the Tribune, will ya?

Now, where can I reach you in town,

and what do I call ya?

and what do I call ya?

- Linc Case, Sheraton-Ritz.

- Linc Case, Sheraton-Ritz, I'll be in touch.

- Linc Case, Sheraton-Ritz, I'll be in touch.

- About what?

(humorous music)

(humorous music)

- [Celli Voiceover] Celli, oh, Celli dear.

- [Celli Voiceover] Celli, oh, Celli dear.

It's three o'clock in the afternoon, Minneapolis time.

It's three o'clock in the afternoon, Minneapolis time.

We have sleep 22 hours.

You are now ready to face

the most important week of your life,

the most important week of your life,

rested, recharged, ready.

rested, recharged, ready.

Celli, can you hear me?

Celli, can you hear me?

You will not sleep again for three days and nights.

You will not sleep again for three days and nights.

You will convince them you are a superwoman.

You will convince them it is quite normal

You will convince them it is quite normal

for you to work 72 hours without a break.

for you to work 72 hours without a break.

Now, Celli, repeat after me.

I am ready.

I am ready.

- I am ready.

- [Celli Voiceover] Upsy-daisy.

- [Celli Voiceover] Upsy-daisy.

Celli, can you hear me?

Celli, can you hear me?

Celli?

Don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

What kind of cowardice is that?

What kind of cowardice is that?

I say this is your big chance, girl.

I say this is your big chance, girl.

Now, up and at 'em.

(jackhammer thudding)

(jackhammer thudding)

You might at least say good morning.

You might at least say good morning.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

- You're due at work in 10 minutes.

- You're due at work in 10 minutes.

- Work.

I must've fallen asleep.

I must've fallen asleep.

- Yeah, last night, outside Chicago.

"Get me to Minneapolis on time, Linc.

"Get me to Minneapolis on time, Linc.

"Great job waiting at the hotel."

"Great job waiting at the hotel."

So, go report.

- Thanks.

(girls squealing)

(spirited music)

(spirited music)

(girls screaming)

(girls screaming)

- Free setup for the star, Tommy!

- Free setup for the star, Tommy!

(girls giggling)

(girls giggling)

- Hey, I don't want to spoil all the fun,

- Hey, I don't want to spoil all the fun,

but I think you got the wrong boy.

but I think you got the wrong boy.

- Haven't I seen you before somewhere?

- Haven't I seen you before somewhere?

- That's my buddy.

(girls chattering)

(girls chattering)

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were asleep in the car

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were asleep in the car

when we picked your pal.

- Yeah, we just got into town.

We don't know anybody so it must be

We don't know anybody so it must be

a case of mistaken identity.

I wouldn't want you fell...

I wouldn't want you fell...

When you picked my pal for what?

When you picked my pal for what?

- We always pick a man from the street to be the ninth judge

for Miss Downtown Minneapolis Beauty Contest.

for Miss Downtown Minneapolis Beauty Contest.

We tie it in with the Aquatennial.

We tie it in with the Aquatennial.

She covers a lot of the events

that the Queen of the Lakes can't cover.

that the Queen of the Lakes can't cover.

(girls giggling and chattering)

Okay, Tommy, that oughta wrap it up!

Come on, kids, let's go!

Come on, kids, let's go!

The Mayor's waiting to see ya.

We gotta get to the television station.

We gotta get to the television station.

Hurry up, let's go! (girls squealing)

Hurry up, let's go! (girls squealing)

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

- [Linc] Some people dream it, and some people live it.

- [Linc] Some people dream it, and some people live it.

(light-hearted music)

- I'm sorry.

(crunching)

You okay?

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

- Civilization.

- Civilization.

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

- If you'll pardon a little bluntness, Mr. Savel,

- If you'll pardon a little bluntness, Mr. Savel,

your thoughts are deafening.

It might be quieter for all of us

if you'd say what you're thinking.

if you'd say what you're thinking.

- Well, actually, we were expecting a Mr. Brahms.

- Well, actually, we were expecting a Mr. Brahms.

You have to admit acoustical engineering

is hardly a field that's overcrowded with women.

- I'm quite used to starting the ballgame

in the ninth inning.

in the ninth inning.

Up or down, Mr. Savel?

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

(spirited music)

(spirited music)

- Oh, Mr. Stiles.

Getting settled, I see.

- Oh, (stammers) my first nameplate.

- Oh, (stammers) my first nameplate.

- [Jim] This is Celli Brahms.

- [Jim] This is Celli Brahms.

- An illustrious name.

- His music was organized, deeply honest,

- His music was organized, deeply honest,

rarely light-hearted, never shallow or false.

He had an intellectual mode of expression

He had an intellectual mode of expression

in which even concertos gave him no scope for bravora.

in which even concertos gave him no scope for bravora.

in which even concertos gave him no scope for bravora.

He preferred the strictest forms,

even such polyphonic structures as passacaglias and fugues.

even such polyphonic structures as passacaglias and fugues.

Do you follow me, Mr. Stiles?

Do you follow me, Mr. Stiles?

- Oh, I was neck and neck right up to passacaglias.

- Oh, I was neck and neck right up to passacaglias.

- My only relation to Johannes Brahms,

in as much as you admire his name,

in as much as you admire his name,

is that in my work there is only room

is that in my work there is only room

for strict dedication from me

and no bravora from the outside.

and no bravora from the outside.

I like to come into a situation and do my research

I like to come into a situation and do my research

in one burst, three times around the clock.

I find it more effective.

I find it more effective.

Now, since I wouldn't want to impose

such a strain on anyone man,

such a strain on anyone man,

who else, in addition to Mr. Stiles,

will you detail to act as liaison?

- I must say I'm impressed.

- I must say I'm impressed.

Uh, but I can see it makes a lot of sense.

Uh, but I can see it makes a lot of sense.

Well, I'll ask one of our assistant managers

to spell Mr. Stiles.

to spell Mr. Stiles.

- If Miss Brahms can put in 72 hours, I can put in 72 hours.

- If Miss Brahms can put in 72 hours, I can put in 72 hours.

- Well, if you say so, Stiles.

- Well, if you say so, Stiles.

- Do you mind if I ask what investigation?

- Do you mind if I ask what investigation?

- Listen.

What did you hear?

What did you hear?

- Nothing.

- You see?

- You see?

You're already so used to it, it's a part of you.

Noise, Mr. Stiles, the arch enemy.

Noise, Mr. Stiles, the arch enemy.

Nervous fatigue, lower employee efficiency,

tension, psychological disturbance,

all induced by excessive noise.

all induced by excessive noise.

At least, this hotel is oriented for the 20th century.

At least, this hotel is oriented for the 20th century.

My company was commissioned to come down here

and test the acoustical aspects of their physical plant

and test the acoustical aspects of their physical plant

so that their guests here might be able

so that their guests here might be able

to enjoy a truly quiet environment.

to enjoy a truly quiet environment.

A haven in the midst of downtown cacophony.

A haven in the midst of downtown cacophony.

- Miss Brahms, do you always talk like that,

uh, passacaglias and cacophonies?

uh, passacaglias and cacophonies?

- Do you dislike the idea that a woman should be concerned

- Do you dislike the idea that a woman should be concerned

with more important things than a recipe for apple pandowdy?

with more important things than a recipe for apple pandowdy?

- Next to the wound, Miss Brahms,

- Next to the wound, Miss Brahms,

the thing a woman makes best is the bandage.

the thing a woman makes best is the bandage.

(humorous music)

(humorous music)

(sneaky music)

(sneaky music)

Miss Brahms.

Tally-ho?

- Celli, a blender in the Golly Wag Bar, 60 decibels.

- Celli, a blender in the Golly Wag Bar, 60 decibels.

(indistinct chattering) (blender whirring)

(indistinct chattering) (blender whirring)

(blender shuts off)

(blender shuts off)

- Yes, sir, what'll it be, sir?

- Whiskey straight, please, with no ice.

Ice makes too much noise.

(raucous laughing)

(raucous laughing)

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

(seductive music)

(machinery rumbling)

(machinery rumbling)

- Would you tell the engineer

to raise the temperature 22 degrees?

to raise the temperature 22 degrees?

- Okay.

Why?

Why?

- You're not really interested.

- You're not really interested.

You just enjoy being difficult.

- Well, I don't enjoy being stupid.

I understand that gadget is to measure

I understand that gadget is to measure

the approximate loudness level down here,

the approximate loudness level down here,

but, uh, what's raising the temperature

got to do with anything?

got to do with anything?

- Sound travels with greater velocity

- Sound travels with greater velocity

in warm air than in cold.

I want comparative readings.

I want comparative readings.

20 degrees, please.

20 degrees, please.

- Aye-aye, sir, 20 degrees.

(jackhammer thudding)

- Didn't take you long to dig in.

- Well, I applied for mayor,

- Well, I applied for mayor,

but this is the only job they had open.

- Yeah, well, the list of events in there

- Yeah, well, the list of events in there

we like our judges to attend.

You get a good look at the finalists

You get a good look at the finalists

under varying conditions.

Don't worry about that events that

Don't worry about that events that

take place during the day.

The committee will fix your time off with your super.

The committee will fix your time off with your super.

- This Aquatennial is a big thing, huh?

- Yep.

We figure that during the festival,

over a million people take part in one or more events.

over a million people take part in one or more events.

- Well, I get around the country,

- Well, I get around the country,

but this is the happiest city I've been in.

Everybody in Minneapolis seems to be smiling,

Everybody in Minneapolis seems to be smiling,

except you.

What's the matter, isn't it going too good?

What's the matter, isn't it going too good?

- It shows, huh?

- It shows, huh?

- Yeah, it shows.

- 22 years I've been doing this festival, every summer.

- 22 years I've been doing this festival, every summer.

So, I'm kind of greeted out, smiled out,

So, I'm kind of greeted out, smiled out,

and backslapped out, ya know?

and backslapped out, ya know?

There's another thing, I never wanted to be a publicity man.

I always wanted to be a cop.

I always wanted to be a cop.

- You look like a cop.

- You look like a cop.

I keep thinking I've seen you somewhere before.

As a cop, I mean.

New York maybe?

New York maybe?

- Nope.

Never left Minnesota.

See you tomorrow at the stadium, 2:30,

See you tomorrow at the stadium, 2:30,

the Grande Parade, all the finalists will be there.

the Grande Parade, all the finalists will be there.

(jackhammer starting)

(jackhammer starting)

- I'm afraid the eggs are scrambled and the milk's spilled.

- I'm afraid the eggs are scrambled and the milk's spilled.

- Oh, Mother will kill me.

- For the groceries.

- Oh, thanks, but no, thanks.

- Oh, thanks, but no, thanks.

- Well, it was my air hose.

(sneaky music)

(sneaky music)

- Harry Fenton!

- Harry Fenton!

Harry Fenton in the flesh>

Harry Fenton in the flesh>

- You know how I feel about noise.

- You know how I feel about noise.

Besides, I don't want anybody to know I'm here.

What do you think of her?

What do you think of her?

- Well, I must say that after a few minutes with Miss Brahms

one tends to forget she's a woman.

one tends to forget she's a woman.

She emerges as a force.

She emerges as a force.

Anyway, why are you so interested?

Why, Harry, you old devil.

And all this time I thought you were too involved

And all this time I thought you were too involved

in your laboratory ever to notice a well-turned ankle.

- If the Russians can shoot a woman into space,

- If the Russians can shoot a woman into space,

I can make a woman vice president of my outfit.

I can make a woman vice president of my outfit.

- That isn't why you flew in from New York.

There's more, Harry.

- I know she's brilliant, but is she human?

- I know she's brilliant, but is she human?

Is she human, Jim?

Even a vice president should be human.

Even a vice president should be human.

(pleasant music)

(phone ringing) (Linc humming)

(phone ringing) (Linc humming)

- Hello?

- Hello?

Linc Case, no, just a minute.

Linc! (Linc humming happily)

Linc! (Linc humming happily)

May he call you back?

May he call you back?

Miss Loralee Thomas.

Just a minute, let me jot the number down.

(Linc humming) (shower running)

Right away, Miss Thomas, okay.

Right away, Miss Thomas, okay.

(Linc humming)

- [Linc] Hi!

- [Linc] Hi!

- You got a message there from Miss Thomas.

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

The country club?

Well, that's mighty thoughtful of you,

Well, that's mighty thoughtful of you,

Miss Henderson, but...

No, it isn't necessary to send a car.

You see, uh, I've already made a date.

You see, uh, I've already made a date.

Tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

No, I'm afraid that's out.

Thursday?

May I call you back, Miss Henderson?

May I call you back, Miss Henderson?

Oh, you'll call me.

Okay, thanks, Miss Henderson.

Bye.

- What you need is an insufflagram.

- What you need is an insufflagram.

- I never drink anything before turning in.

- I never drink anything before turning in.

It keeps me awake.

- What are you doing going to bed at eight o'clock,

it's still light out!

You're throwing away what strong men would kill for,

You're throwing away what strong men would kill for,

the names and numbers of the most beautiful girls

the names and numbers of the most beautiful girls

in Minneapolis.

And why, because you were sitting

where I should've been sitting,

where I should've been sitting,

behind the wheel of my car!

- Well, help yourself, the names and numbers

- Well, help yourself, the names and numbers

are right there in the waste basket.

You can match 'em up with the pictures.

You can match 'em up with the pictures.

Call and say you can bribe a judge.

- I can't get out for 72 hours.

- I can't get out for 72 hours.

- I thought you had a cushy job lined up.

- I thought you had a cushy job lined up.

- Well, I did, and they shipped in Ninotchka,

the flipped-out engineer.

the flipped-out engineer.

The only way I could get up here for a couple of minutes,

she's down in the darkroom developing refraction patterns.

she's down in the darkroom developing refraction patterns.

The kid likes to measure refraction patterns

The kid likes to measure refraction patterns

like most women like to measure baking soda.

like most women like to measure baking soda.

(sighs) Where are the stay awake pills?

(sighs) Where are the stay awake pills?

- In the medicine cabinet.

- "I'll be in the Golly Wag Lounge

- "I'll be in the Golly Wag Lounge

"if you'd like to stop in and say hello. Pat."

"if you'd like to stop in and say hello. Pat."

- A good judge has to stay impartial, right?

- A good judge has to stay impartial, right?

(paper crinkling)

- It just isn't fair!

- It just isn't fair!

Here I am, engaged in a battle for survival

with the honor of all men at stake, a holy crusade!

with the honor of all men at stake, a holy crusade!

And who's the Saracen?

And who's the Saracen?

A female Einstein that never sleeps.

And where's my good right arm, my singing sword?

And where's my good right arm, my singing sword?

In bed.

- In love.

- In love.

- She even carries a tape recorder,

- She even carries a tape recorder,

and she talks into it in the third person.

and she talks into it in the third person.

"Celli, 60 decibels.

"Celli, up periscope."

"Celli, up periscope."

You're what?

- I don't even know her name.

She cried over some spilled milk and ran away.

She cried over some spilled milk and ran away.

- I'm gonna say this just once,

and then we'll observe a moment of silence.

and then we'll observe a moment of silence.

and then we'll observe a moment of silence.

When you're surrounded by dozens of beautiful girls,

that's no time to fall in love!

that's no time to fall in love!

What are you doing in bed at eight o'clock?

What are you doing in bed at eight o'clock?

- There must be a hundred apartments in her building.

- There must be a hundred apartments in her building.

Which door is hers?

I waited three hours hoping the right one would open.

I waited three hours hoping the right one would open.

But as they say, there's always tomorrow.

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

- He's out!

Oh, hello, Miss Brahms.

Yeah, I was just on my way down, where?

Yeah, I was just on my way down, where?

The air cooling system on the roof.

I'll be right there.

You know, they've got a plaque up in her honor

You know, they've got a plaque up in her honor

in the lobby of a big insurance company.

in the lobby of a big insurance company.

You know why?

She lowered the noise level 15%,

She lowered the noise level 15%,

and then you know what happened?

Typists errors went down 30%,

Typists errors went down 30%,

and machine operators mistakes decreased 55%.

and machine operators mistakes decreased 55%.

and machine operators mistakes decreased 55%.

What do you think about that?

- Tod?

I think you're hung on the girl.

I think you're hung on the girl.

- Me...

And Celli?

And Celli?

- You and Celli.

- Ridiculous!

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

(door slams)

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

- Celli, be sure to check the dynamic

- Celli, be sure to check the dynamic

flow of the variations up here.

flow of the variations up here.

It's very important because we have to compare them

to, uh, gypsum board paneling versus...

to, uh, gypsum board paneling versus...

(romantic music)

It is essential to determine the critical speed

It is essential to determine the critical speed

of the machinery up here.

Otherwise, I'll never be able to estimate the rate

Otherwise, I'll never be able to estimate the rate

of synchronous vibrations.

- I kissed you!

- I kissed you!

- Tell the engineer to reduce the running speed to 200 rpms.

- Tell the engineer to reduce the running speed to 200 rpms.

You need a shave.

- Whenever I see a girl wearing earphones,

irresistible currents serge through me.

Strong Freudian ties.

Strong Freudian ties.

They say my mother was a switchboard operator,

They say my mother was a switchboard operator,

maybe that explains why I have this deep need

to make a connection.

to make a connection.

So, blame it on the earphones.

So, blame it on the earphones.

- It says don't answer, Mr. Stiles, I'm sorry.

- It says don't answer, Mr. Stiles, I'm sorry.

- Okay, Celli, now I know you.

- People only know each other when they first meet.

- People only know each other when they first meet.

When they're no longer strangers, they're truly strangers.

Shall we get back to work?

Shall we get back to work?

- First, a little something for the west coast.

- First, a little something for the west coast.

Take a note, Celli.

Every time you open your mouth,

Every time you open your mouth,

a proclamation of independence comes roaring forth.

a proclamation of independence comes roaring forth.

Check those decibels.

Consider the possibility of acoustical tiles

Consider the possibility of acoustical tiles

completely enveloping the head.

completely enveloping the head.

Now, set the oscillator on the heart.

What's that? No sound?

What's that? No sound?

Check it again.

Check it again.

Oh, no heart,

too bad.

Over and out.

(brooding music)

(energetic parade music)

(energetic parade music)

(crowd applauding)

(parade music) (crowd cheering)

(parade music) (crowd cheering)

- You, take a picture of this girl.

Stand up here, honey.

Stand up here, honey.

(camera clicks)

Good, thank you very much.

(parade music) (crowd chattering)

(parade music) (crowd chattering)

- How come I didn't get a picture of that one?

- She just entered today.

Her name's Valerie Mills, I think.

Her name's Valerie Mills, I think.

Now, look, use this for a tally.

So much for beauty, so much for wholesomeness.

So much for beauty, so much for wholesomeness.

You figure out what that means and let me know.

So much for poise as we go around

So much for poise as we go around

from event to event, introducing each contestant.

from event to event, introducing each contestant.

- Well, I got biographies on all the other girls

but nothing on Miss Mills.

but nothing on Miss Mills.

- The office will shoot her bio over to you this afternoon.

- The office will shoot her bio over to you this afternoon.

- Why don't I just pick it up in person?

- Why don't I just pick it up in person?

- Stay loose, boy.

We like our judges to be cool.

We like our judges to be cool.

- Mr. Sunshine wants to talk to you.

- Mr. Sunshine wants to talk to you.

You probably don't remember-- - I feel I've--

You probably don't remember-- - I feel I've--

seen you before.

I'm sorry.

- They say it's a good thing

when people think they know each other.

Right away, it's 10 points.

Right away, it's 10 points.

- Isn't it exciting?

(parade music)

(parade music)

You're Mr. Case, aren't you?

- There's a shorter way, if you take shortcuts, Linc.

- There's a shorter way, if you take shortcuts, Linc.

- I memorized all the judges names.

- I memorized all the judges names.

People like it when you know their names.

People like it when you know their names.

Have you ever been a judge before?

- Only Supreme Court.

- Only Supreme Court.

Never anything as important as a beauty contest.

Never anything as important as a beauty contest.

- I've never been a contestant before.

- I've never been a contestant before.

I guess I shouldn't tell you that.

I wouldn't want it to prejudice you.

I wouldn't want it to prejudice you.

- I'm already prejudiced.

- May I tell you something else?

- May I tell you something else?

Promise you won't mark it against me?

Promise you won't mark it against me?

I mean, it sounds terribly conceited.

I mean, it sounds terribly conceited.

- Promise.

- I'm going to win.

Don't you believe things like that can happen?

Don't you believe things like that can happen?

- If they're important.

- If they're important.

(brooding music)

(brooding music)

- All right, Celli, I'm going to ask you some questions.

- All right, Celli, I'm going to ask you some questions.

Just try and answer yes or no.

Just try and answer yes or no.

One, is it unladylike to use your mind at optimum level?

One, is it unladylike to use your mind at optimum level?

No, to use only half of it would be an act of self-betrayal.

No, to use only half of it would be an act of self-betrayal.

Two, are you an aggressive, neurotic female?

Two, are you an aggressive, neurotic female?

Aggressive, yes,

Aggressive, yes,

neurotic, I don't think so.

neurotic, I don't think so.

Well, I mean, let's just say

we'll discuss it some other time.

All right, Celli, just answer the questions yes or no.

All right, Celli, just answer the questions yes or no.

Don't evade the issue.

Three, does your work mean everything to you?

Three, does your work mean everything to you?

Is it your only identity, your full function in life?

Is it your only identity, your full function in life?

Oh, I suppose by that you mean that I should search

for some kind of fulfillment in super markets.

for some kind of fulfillment in super markets.

Just answer yes or no, Celli.

Just answer yes or no, Celli.

Yes, yes, all right, my work is everything.

Yes, yes, all right, my work is everything.

Do you suggest that I should be short-circuited by

some heavy-handed stranger who whispers that he loves me?

some heavy-handed stranger who whispers that he loves me?

Hasn't the foggiest idea of what the word really means.

Hasn't the foggiest idea of what the word really means.

Fourth question.

What is love, Celli?

Why, you don't need anything or anybody, do you?

Why, you don't need anything or anybody, do you?

I never said that, everybody needs somebody.

I never said that, everybody needs somebody.

But do you, Celli?

Do you?

(pensive music)

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

Mr. Stiles?

(light-hearted music)

(light-hearted music)

Mr. Stiles!

(whistles)

(whistles)

- I just thought I'd catch a shave

while you were adjusting the machine.

while you were adjusting the machine.

- Why don't you finish your shave, then take a nap.

- Why don't you finish your shave, then take a nap.

I'll call you when I'm ready.

I'll call you when I'm ready.

- Oh, no.

No, no, I never felt better in my life.

No, no, I never felt better in my life.

Sleep is strictly for the birds, so let the birds sleep.

Sleep is strictly for the birds, so let the birds sleep.

(children chattering)

(children chattering)

- Shh!

(labored music)

(labored music)

(thudding)

(labored music)

(blender whirring) (patrons chattering)

(blender whirring) (patrons chattering)

- Theodore.

- [Theodore] Yes, sir?

- What do got for a walking corpse?

- What do got for a walking corpse?

- Embalming fluid on the rocks.

- Embalming fluid on the rocks.

- Make it a double, but make it fast.

- Make it a double, but make it fast.

- Oh, she's wearing you down, huh?

- Oh, she's wearing you down, huh?

- She's repairing an electromechanical transducer.

- She's repairing an electromechanical transducer.

It oughta take her 10 more minutes.

It oughta take her 10 more minutes.

When does she fall apart?

I've only known her 40 hours.

I've only known her 40 hours.

Already it seems longer than

Already it seems longer than

Precambrian time plus a little Mesozoic.

Precambrian time plus a little Mesozoic.

They say the voice goes first.

They say the voice goes first.

How do you like that?

She's got me holding hands with myself.

She's got me holding hands with myself.

(blender shuts off)

(blender shuts off)

- Whiskey, please, no ice.

- Oh, I know.

Too noisy.

Too noisy.

- That's a good boy.

- Excuse me.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

How much were the new glasses?

- Could happen to anybody.

- But it happened to you, and I broke 'em,

and in my present mood, I don't want to owe

and in my present mood, I don't want to owe

anything to anybody.

anything to anybody.

$10?

- One silent shot.

- Well, if your conscience will feel any better,

- Well, if your conscience will feel any better,

let it buy me this drink.

let it buy me this drink.

Then, my conscience will buy yours one.

If we sit here long enough,

If we sit here long enough,

maybe our consciences will get drunk,

maybe our consciences will get drunk,

and we can walk out of here and leave them behind.

and we can walk out of here and leave them behind.

Do I strike you as a man who has read Freud?

Do I strike you as a man who has read Freud?

- No.

Theodore, another round.

Theodore, another round.

- (sighs) In Dr. Freud's own words of bafflement,

- (sighs) In Dr. Freud's own words of bafflement,

"The question that has never been answered,

"and which I have never been able to answer,

"and which I have never been able to answer,

"despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul,

"despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul,

"what does a woman want?"

"what does a woman want?"

- Humph.

(glasses clinking)

- Not so loud, please.

- Not so loud, please.

What do you think of Celli Brahms?

- You know her?

- The very reason I sat next to you.

- The very reason I sat next to you.

- I think she's gonna be the next president

- I think she's gonna be the next president

of the United States.

- You're that bitter, huh?

- You're that bitter, huh?

- I keep wanting to belt her.

Would you say that was bitter?

Would you say that was bitter?

- Why don't you?

- She's probably a karate champion, she might cripple me.

- She's probably a karate champion, she might cripple me.

Why are you so interested?

Why are you so interested?

- Let's just say I'm a friend of the family.

- Let's just say I'm a friend of the family.

- Eh, I didn't think she had one.

I thought she just stepped down off

I thought she just stepped down off

a pedestal at Georgia Tech.

- Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

- Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Straight As.

Straight As.

And a Masters Degree in Dynamical Analogies.

And a Masters Degree in Dynamical Analogies.

Both her mother and father were college professors.

Both her mother and father were college professors.

They've no bank account.

Spent it all on Celli.

Spent it all on Celli.

They gave her every advantage except they forgot

to introduce her to the boy next door.

to introduce her to the boy next door.

They only let her date older fellows,

They only let her date older fellows,

like, uh, Aristotle and Plato.

like, uh, Aristotle and Plato.

- You talk like a father with an unmarried daughter.

- You talk like a father with an unmarried daughter.

- I talk like a man who never had kids of his own.

- I talk like a man who never had kids of his own.

On that thought, let us have another round, Theodore,

On that thought, let us have another round, Theodore,

with ice, lots of it.

with ice, lots of it.

Rattle it around in the glass.

Let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Okay?

- No, I have to get back.

- No, I have to get back.

She'll think I'm dogging on the job.

She'll think I'm dogging on the job.

- Don't tell her we had this talk, huh?

- Don't tell her we had this talk, huh?

- I don't even know your name.

Who should I not tell her I didn't talk to?

Who should I not tell her I didn't talk to?

(humorous music)

(humorous music)

- Tod, I have to talk to you.

- Tod, I have to talk to you.

You all right?

You all right?

- I know you.

- A clear case of combat fatigue.

- You have to talk to me about what?

- Valerie.

- Valerie.

- Who?

- Well, I took her home after the parade.

You oughta see the dump she and her mother live in.

You oughta see the dump she and her mother live in.

It makes Lander, Texas look good.

She really figures she's gonna win.

She really figures she's gonna win.

She's only living to win.

It's her ticket out.

It's her ticket out.

- I'll see you later, Charlie.

- Well, suppose she does win?

Then what?

Then what?

She'll go to New York and get ignored to death.

Tod, she's not pretty enough or hip enough

Tod, she's not pretty enough or hip enough

to make it in New York.

Well, she's pretty, all right, and she's not stupid,

but well, she's like 80% when anything below 100 is failing.

but well, she's like 80% when anything below 100 is failing.

She'll come back worse off than if she'd never gone.

She'll come back worse off than if she'd never gone.

- You come to me with a problem like this

in an hour of crisis?

in an hour of crisis?

- Well, what'll I do?

- Well, what'll I do?

Do I save her the pain, vote against her now?

Do I save her the pain, vote against her now?

Do I fix it so she stays here,

still happy and still dreaming, or do I let her go?

still happy and still dreaming, or do I let her go?

- At a time when the honor of all men hinges on

- At a time when the honor of all men hinges on

whether I can stand up another 20 hours,

whether I can stand up another 20 hours,

you come to me with beauty contest.

you come to me with beauty contest.

When I'm involved in life or death. (thuds)

When I'm involved in life or death. (thuds)

(humorous music)

(humorous music)

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

- Celli suggests that all the doors and ducts

from the kitchen to the dining room be acousticized.

from the kitchen to the dining room be acousticized.

Glass fiber for the kitchen

Glass fiber for the kitchen

and lead sheathing for the ducts.

- What are you trying to prove?

- What are you trying to prove?

- I'm just trying to be friends.

- I'm just trying to be friends.

Now, would you please tell the chef to turn on

all the automatic washers?

all the automatic washers?

- Listen to me, not to an automatic washer.

- Listen to me, not to an automatic washer.

I'm not mad at you anymore,

I just plain feel sorry for you, Celli Brahms.

I just plain feel sorry for you, Celli Brahms.

- Tell the chef to leave the washers on for five minutes,

then turn them off one by one, at two minute intervals.

then turn them off one by one, at two minute intervals.

- See, what it is, you're in the business of

- See, what it is, you're in the business of

erasing, eliminating, and deadening.

erasing, eliminating, and deadening.

Somewhere along the way, you erased,

Somewhere along the way, you erased,

eliminated and deadened yourself.

eliminated and deadened yourself.

When was the last time you shouted out in anger,

When was the last time you shouted out in anger,

or purred with pleasure,

or lit a firecracker, or blew a party horn?

or lit a firecracker, or blew a party horn?

Where's your laughter?

Where's your laughter?

Where's your crying?

Where are the sounds of Celli Brahms?

Where are the sounds of Celli Brahms?

(somber music)

(somber music)

(elegant music)

(elegant music)

(audience applauds)

- Thanks very much, ladies.

Will you get into your bathing suits

Will you get into your bathing suits

and be back on the stage in five minutes.

It will be the final event

It will be the final event

in which the judges will score you.

The winner will be announced directly afterward.

The winner will be announced directly afterward.

(audience applauding)

(audience applauding)

Problems?

Problems?

- No.

- Don't think I haven't been watching you.

- Don't think I haven't been watching you.

I can see you've got your eye on Valerie Mills.

I can see you've got your eye on Valerie Mills.

If I see any hanky-panky, or any evidence of you

trying to influence any of the other judges,

trying to influence any of the other judges,

you are O-U-T.

you are O-U-T.

(humorous music)

(humorous music)

(knocking)

- Go away, I'm not here!

- Go away, I'm not here!

- [Celli] It's Celli.

Have you ever been vice president of anything?

People poke fun at the title.

People poke fun at the title.

It's a standard cliche.

It's a standard cliche.

Like mothers-in-law.

But 50 million men would sell their souls

But 50 million men would sell their souls

to be vice president of an important company.

Now, why should a woman feel any different?

Now, why should a woman feel any different?

- I've just gotta lie down before I fall down.

- I've just gotta lie down before I fall down.

- That's what this survey means to me,

- That's what this survey means to me,

a vice presidency.

It was all over the office when I left.

"Bring home the bacon, Celli,

"Bring home the bacon, Celli,

"and I'll type the initials V.P. after your name."

- I hope you two are very happy together.

- I hope you two are very happy together.

- But Tod?

- Hm?

- I don't know what's happening to me.

I'm terribly confused.

I'm terribly confused.

I still want what I always wanted,

I still want what I always wanted,

but I wonder how high a price I'll have to pay.

but I wonder how high a price I'll have to pay.

Tod Stiles, wake up.

If you can whisper in my ear, I can whisper in yours.

If you can whisper in my ear, I can whisper in yours.

Wake up, and come with me.

- Where?

- Out.

- Out.

- No, you have that very important survey to finish.

- It can wait.

- It can wait.

(elegant music)

(elegant music)

(audience applauding)

(audience applauding)

- Thank you very much, young ladies.

- Thank you very much, young ladies.

Now, if you'll just be patient a moment,

we'll see if our judges have reached a verdict.

we'll see if our judges have reached a verdict.

Oh, thank you, yeah.

Thank you, mm-hm.

Thank you.

Split right down the middle.

Split right down the middle.

Four for Hazel Blanchard, four for Valerie Mills.

Four for Hazel Blanchard, four for Valerie Mills.

Knowing how you feel, I wouldn't be surprised

if Valerie's next Miss Downtown Minneapolis.

if Valerie's next Miss Downtown Minneapolis.

Come on, come on, this isn't just for Miss America,

Come on, come on, this isn't just for Miss America,

this is for Miss Downtown Minneapolis.

- What happens to these girls?

The winners, I mean.

The winners, I mean.

- 23 winners, 23 different answers.

- 23 winners, 23 different answers.

- What's love?

Is it hanging on, or letting go?

Is it hanging on, or letting go?

- The winner and Miss Downtown Minneapolis,

- The winner and Miss Downtown Minneapolis,

Valerie Mills.

Valerie Mills.

(audience applauding)

(cymbals clanging)

(cymbals clanging)

(drums thudding)

(drums thudding)

(whistles)

(energetic marching music)

(energetic marching music)

(popping loudly) (women screaming)

(popping loudly) (women screaming)

(whistle blows) (dogs barking)

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

(dogs barking)

(dogs barking)

(steam whistle blowing)

(steam whistle blowing)

(hissing)

(hissing)

(fireworks exploding)

(siren blaring)

(siren blaring)

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

- You must have a lot of influence, Mr. Fenton,

- You must have a lot of influence, Mr. Fenton,

to get me out on bail.

The charge wasn't just disturbing the peace,

The charge wasn't just disturbing the peace,

it was shattering it.

- Tell me again about the turtles.

- Tell me again about the turtles.

- Well, one of them almost passed me in the corvette.

I wasn't standing still.

I wasn't standing still.

(pleasant music)

(pleasant music)

- She's been sleeping like that

- She's been sleeping like that

ever since they brought her in.

(sweet music)

(sweet music)

- They say a man never gets to be a great doctor

until he's felt his own pain.

until he's felt his own pain.

You've finally been heard from, Celli Brahms.

You've finally been heard from, Celli Brahms.

Congratulations, you are now a VP.

Congratulations, you are now a VP.

(pleasant music)

Play this for her when she wakes up.

Play this for her when she wakes up.

Oh, please have that door oiled.

Oh, please have that door oiled.

She can't stand noise.

(soaring music)

(soaring music)

(jazzy theme music)

(jazzy theme music)

- [Narrator] A Screen Gems Presentation,

- [Narrator] A Screen Gems Presentation,

Herbert B. Leonard, executive producer.

Herbert B. Leonard, executive producer.

[END CREDITS]