Original subtitles

[industrial steam hissing]

[ominous music]

[Kevin moaning]

FISHER: You know...

in a movie...

this would be the time where...

I monologue a little bit about Hammurabi and his code...

about how he always struggled to fill the shoes of his father,

Sin-Muballit,

the fifth Amorite king of the old Babylonian Empire.

But...

I won't do that.

Because monologues are bullshit.

Man! You had it all.

Fortune, fame,

a chain of affordable, plant-based fast food restaurants.

Hah! While the rest of us,

the rest of us

had to work on our craft for decades

just to get paid acting work.

But you...

you had to have everything, didn't you?

What? Do you want to say something?

Oh, okay. Let me help you.

[sobbing]

- Help! Help! Help! - Help! Help!

Help! Help!

- Help! - Aah! Aah!

[laughing]

[sighing]

You're pathetic.

You know...

my foster dad...

he was a forensics expert for 40 years.

What you did back there,

your portrayal...

of his noble profession...

was even more offensive than your portrayal

of George Washington Carver.

- Oh, come on. - Oh, I'll come on you!

- What? - You call yourself an actor?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You just gonna kill us without even hearing my side, huh?

What kind of law enforcement officer are you?

Law? The law's got nothing to do with it at this point.

[badge clinks]

No-- what you doing?!

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait-wait-wait!

- Your ass is mine. - Get the fuck off of me!

- Let's go! - Get your hands off me.

Hey, hey! Hey, stop, stop.

- Hold on. - You know, Kevin and I--

- What? - We could make our own movie

where you are the star.

We could put up the money.

Yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah! Hey, hey, yes!

FBI agent. Big story, big moment.

- JORDAN: Yeah. - Fuck scenes.

Fuck... Fuck scenes. So many.

Yeah-yeah-yeah...

I just want you to know, I think Jordan and Kevin

are lying to you and trying to trick you.

- What the fuck is that? - Pearl, come on!

I would never do that, I would never try to get inside your head.

In fact, I-I love Hammurabi

and his big, sexy code,

but I'm not even thinking about Hammurabi right now.

No? No, the only thing on my mind...

is you, Jeff Fisher.

- It's John. - Fuck.

- Quit bullshitting me! - Come on, man.

All of you! Let's get this over with.

- KEVIN: Wait-- - FISHER: Flip it, turn around.

- KEVIN: I need a second. - FISHER: Okay, one.

KEVIN: Wait, wait a minute.

Wait a fucking minute!

Shit! It's fucking fire.

Look, man, if this will be my last breath on Earth,

then I want to say something real.

Oh, you're gonna... you're gonna monologue right now?

I just wanna say that you guys...

you're the real actors.

I mean, you-- come on, man,

you spent over a decade of your fucking life...

dedicating it to this craft?

Jordan? You have acted circles around me

in every single scene that we've ever done together.

And, Pearl...

I don't... I don't really know shit about you.

I'm a pescatarian.

Okay.

I'm a comedian.

And an action star.

I know there's a lot of people out there that think that I'm

at the top of my game, but let me tell you something.

I'm not.

I've been paying a lot of attention to my peers...

because they've done these dramatic roles.

I mean, some have even won awards.

And I told myself that my legacy would be incomplete if I don't win an award.

And so what, right? So people all over the world

can simply say, "He's great"?

Who gives a shit?

I don't need a shiny object to define my legacy.

I come from nothing, man.

And when you kill me, that's right back where I'll go.

To nothing.

I like to think that during my time here,

that I did a good job of...

making people laugh...

you know, giving people an escape

from whatever it is that they're going through in life.

Cause that's what good actors do.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's called a legacy or otherwise,

but I'll tell you what, I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of the work that I did.

And this is how it ends then, okay.

So fucking be it.

It's been a hell of a run...

with the ones I love.

I... I'm sorry, I...

I don't even know how it got to this.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that you believed that monologue.

It's called acting, motherfucker.

Nice punch, Jordan.

- Nice monologue. - What?! Jordan, okay,

you are my hero, and, Kevin, your acting was fucking sick.

- Oh, my God. - It was unreal.

- KEVIN: Knocked his ass out. - Well, thank you so much.

Kevin, I know that wasn't acting.

Okay? I know that was you speaking from the heart, not acting.

- So thank you, Kevin. - Well... yeah...

Well, this has... well... room for me.

[soft chatter]

[slow clapping]

Bravo.

- Well done. - What the fuck?

- JORDAN: You're alive. - Of course I'm alive.

No, I saw you.

I saw... I saw you hanging...

hanging over the Venetian Fauchard.

You were-- it was in you, you were dead.

I was.

And I wasn't.

I'm... I'm gonna need an explainer for this one.

- Yeah, that would be great. - I would also like to know.

As you may know,

before I became a director, I was a pioneer of special effects.

My first invention for Sam Peckinpah...

I called the blood tunnel.

[opera playing]

I connected the blood tunnel to a 1978 Holatron-1XT remote receiver.

The same device I had used in "Death Before Supper."

I simply wired that to the tip

of a spring-loaded replica Venetian Fauchard.

As you may also know,

before I worked in special effects, I was a prop master.

By the time you arrived for dinner,

everything was in place.

I wired my chest piece to a remote.

All I had to do was make my death as convincing as possible.

How did the cops know?

I alerted the authorities while I was heating the lasagna.

I knew it would take them seven minutes to arrive,

and that was all the time I needed.

But you weren't fucking breathing. You were dead. I saw it.

- PEPPER: Yes. - KEVIN: Hoffman ass...

PEPPER: During dinner, I had ingested 600 milligrams

of an adenosine-bisoprolol cocktail.

It made my heartbeat so faint

that it could not be detected by medical personnel.

- You got a time of death? - Approximately 8:15.

PEPPER: Not that it mattered,

because the coroner was also an actor.

[sirens wailing]

Well done, my dear.

Jillian fucking Jones.

She is good.

Mr. Pepper.

I thought you were really dead.

What the hell's going on?

Why didn't you let me in on it?

Had you known I faked my own death, you would have altered your character,

and I needed to see you as a true rogue agent.

I...

- Jordan? - I've waited my whole--

You demonstrated a discipline,

a focus, tenacity...

that I have not seen since I cast Meryl Streep

in "The Ice Castle Has Two Doors."

- Listen, I cannot wait to-- - Pearl.

Laurence Olivier once said to me,

"Acting is nothing more than

"herding cockroaches into a pile of steaming shit.

"Unless...

"the actor is selfless enough to put his own life

ahead of the character."

And I-- I did that?

Hmm.

- Oh, shit. - Kevin.

My God.

When your life was on the line...

you dug deep,

you cried real fucking tears,

and you delivered what can only be characterized...

as an Oscar-caliber monologue.

- You really thought so? - I did.

I fucking told y'all. I fucking told you.

John, you... came so close...

to owning your role as a rogue agent,

but in the climactic moment, you committed the unforgivable sin.

You broke character.

I was... I was supposed to actually murder them?

A real actor would kill for the part.

Um...

But you, John...

you...

belong in beer commercials.

I... I did commit.

I did, I got a Hammurabi's Code tattooed on my back.

Good for you, son.

[screaming]

[gunshots]

Shoot the girls next! Shoot the girls next!

[gun dry-clicking]

Yes, they're blanks, John.

The FBI has been giving you blanks your entire time with the Bureau.

I couldn't have you killing someone while researching a role.

I'm not a monster.

Well, he did almost...

nearly shove me in an incinerator, so...

That's true. That was very, very close.

- You almost died. - Mm.

Well, I have a car waiting.

Why don't we go discuss the film we're all going to make together?

Hey, wait. Hold on.

Wait, wait a minute. Hold on, just...

You had people thinking I was a murderer, man.

Yeah, and that I was his accomplice.

You did let me get hit by a car.

- Uh-huh? - Just putting the cherry on top of it,

you had this psychopath back here

take us to the goddamn murder warehouse to do God knows what to us.

And now you just expect us to leave with you and get in your car

so we can go talk about the thing that's gonna bring us the acting trophy?

Then I guess this is goodbye.

[soft chatter]

Wait.

["Paint the Town Red" by Doja Cat playing]

Does it have to be goodbye?

? Walk on by ?

? Walk on by ?

- ? Walk on by ? - ? Yeah, bitch, I said what I said ?

? I'd rather be famous instead ?

Oh, my God, what a night.

You guys, we fucking did it.

We actually fucking did it.

It actually feels a lot better than I ever imagined.

- Right? - Seriously.

it does. I didn't think it could, but then it is...

it's just as good, plus ten.

I definitely drank way too much champagne.

I can't believe I propositioned Viola Davis during the In Memoriam.

KEVIN: Yo, Jackson, hey.

Gonna toss that on your shelf with all your other trophies?

Not this one, Kevin.

This one I will cherish.

TV HOST: And now on to last night's...

- KEVIN: Oh, shit! - ...star-studded event.

ALL: It's us!

TV HOST: It was a clean sweep for Jackson Pepper's

psychological thriller "The Forgotten Fugitive."

With Best Actor awards for Kevin Hart,

Jordan King, and newcomer Pearl Mondolvia,

- each taking home... - Wow.

- We look so good. - No, we do.

- You look fucking good. - I definitely look the best.

TV HOST: ...Jackson Pepper.

Congratulations to our favorite film of the year.

We'll be right back.

You may get cheated on when you go out of town

on a boy's fishing trip. But you know what won't cheat on you?

- PEARL: It's our guy! - Guffey Light!

- You know what? He's not bad. - My God.

When life gets rough, reach for a Guff.

- PEARL: ...incredible. - Guffey Light, that is.

[laughing] The only beer sponsored by...

What's wrong with Jackson? Hey, Jackson.

You okay over there?

Yeah, yes, I'm just... I'm...

...old. Excuse me.

Hm.

PEARL: He did do a bunch of Jaeger shots.

I did it.

[soft music]

[chuckling]

[ominous music]

Well done, my dear.

I have another role for you.

You're going to love it.

A role?

Oh, no. Jackson, remember?

You promised, I help you with all of this...

And you back me in my directing career.

Of course, yes, and I will.

But you're such a wonderful actress.

You belong in front of the camera.

Huh, interesting.

Patience, kid.

One day I'll be gone, and...

you can direct all the films you want.

Okay.

So when you're dead, that's when I get to direct.

- Is that it? - Mm-hmm.

I think I'm okay with that.

Aah!

[dramatic score]

[distorted scream]

It's hot in there, my friend.

- Real hot. - [knocking on door]

KEVIN: Hey, Jackson. You okay in there?

["Jackson Pepper" voice] Never better, Kevin.

[normal voice, whispering] Never better.

[dramatic score]

[dramatic score continues]

KEVIN: Hoffman ass...

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