Original subtitles

[suspenseful music]

JORDAN: Excuse me, uh, sir.

Special Agent John Fisher.

Special Agent Fisher, aren't you supposed to read us our rights?

You know, are we under arrest? Do we get to speak to a lawyer?

- I mean, I know my rights, so-- - That's good.

That's enough chit chat out of you.

KEVIN: You son of a bitch, get me out of here! Hey! Hey!

And also, you can't just stick Kevin in the trunk.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

- JORDAN: He's shrieking. - PEARL: Yeah--

- [hair metal plays loudly] - Oh, come on!

[hair metal continues playing]

Sorry, Agent Fisher, was it?

Just gonna turn this down...

Hi, nice arms.

I... I couldn't help but notice

that you're... you're very sexy.

Like, super-hot.

I would say eleven out of ten on the zaddy scale.

You know what I'm saying? Just a real unicorn situation here.

And we-- Jordan and I--

are, dare I say, a couple of foxy ladies in our prime

who are looking to party with the lawmen.

Just to clarify, I'm definitely not looking to party.

Jordan, what are you doing? Dude, we seduce him.

We get him all horny and vulnerable--

and maybe do some sex stuff, maybe not...

- Ew. - ...let's not take it off the table,

- and then we fuck him up. - I can hear you.

Idiots.

What is wrong with you?

I know they didn't teach you that at Juilliard.

Okay, so...

I only kind of went to Juilliard.

And by "kind of," I mean I dated a girl that taught there.

And it was a summer course...

in music theory.

Why would you lie about that?

Because you're Jordan King.

Always, I don't know,

classically trained and always so poised.

I just... thought you might see me as an equal.

I'm not perfect, you know.

Over the past two years, I've stolen over $130 million worth

of personal property.

What?! Girl, go off!

Ssh! Gold, jewels, cash,

cars, bonds.

I may have even stolen the schematics for a nuclear missile.

Oh, my God.

And to think I thought I couldn't respect you more.

- Holy shit. - You respect me for committing felonies?

Well, no, no, I respect you for sharing your truth with me.

Well, and also for committing felonies.

That, to me, is very cool.

But no, sharing your truth, that shit is sacred.

I will now repay the favor by...

telling you something I've never told anyone before

- about the night I lost my virginity. - No, no-no...

It was hurricane season, and I was wearing...

- That's not necessary. - ...my favorite pair of jorts.

Shut the hell up back there!

Jesus.

This fucking "Fried Green Tomatoes" bullshit.

[clears throat]

Right, so strong...

and the glasses are so...

Wait, holy shit.

I've seen you.

Wait, I've seen you before.

Jordan, Jordan, I've fucking seen this guy.

- What is that, what are you saying? - Oh, my God.

I fucking seen this guy right here from the Guffey Light commercials.

Wait, you're in comm-- he's in commercials?

Dude, I fucking know it's you.

- Holy shit, you're literally-- - Stop fucking talking, right now!

KEVIN: Come on, man! Let me out!

JORDAN: Okay.

Fine... it was me.

- So what? - Wait, wait-wait-wait, wait.

So you-- so you're-- are you telling us you're an actor?

- He's an actor. - Oh, my God.

You're auditioning for a role. This is brilliant.

- This is fucking brilliant! - Oh, I'm relieved, you're one of us!

- You're one of us! - KEVIN: Let me out!

For the record, I wasn't trying to fuck you.

You're more like a seven out of ten-- but the zip ties?!

- The commitment? - Yeah, and this is why you couldn't

tell us our rights, because you don't know the protocol--

I do know the protocol!

Okay, so what is it, are you-- are you a beer commercial actor

or a Fed?

Both.

When I was a little baby boy...

my foster dad, who I called Pee-Pop,

took me to see "Roman Inferno."

I was only five years old, but when I saw Gene Hackman

thrust that Venetian Fauchard

deep into Marlon Brando's guts,

I knew in that moment.

Everything was distilled so clearly.

I knew what my dream was.

- Grow up and be a psychopath? - To be an actor.

Jeez, all right.

To be an actor

in a Jackson Pepper film.

So, as soon as I turned 18,

I packed up my Subaru Baja,

and I drove across the country to Hollywoodland.

Managed to get into commercials.

Started off with lawn turf products.

Moved on to fitness equipment ads.

And eventually, I hit the top of the mountain.

Thirty-second beer spots.

- Is it? - Is it?

And then...

one day...

my number...

was finally called.

[whispering] The French fries have gone cold.

Fisher? John Fisher?

FISHER: I'd scored an audition for a part in Jackson Pepper's "Simple Beast."

Sure, it was just one line,

but I'd be sharing the screen with Dustin Hoffman.

Hey, hey, Mr. Pepper...

this is just such an honor.

I... this is, like, all that and a bag of chips.

Okay.

Don't need these.

[sputtering]

Yow-yow-yow-yow-yow,

MTV Raps.

The French fries have gone cold.

[sighing]

PEPPER: If they have gone cold,

the implication is they were once hot.

The disappointment of knowing the temperature of your food has changed

without your knowledge or consent must land with an emotional impact.

You know nothing about this character.

Next.

Thank...

Thanking...

Thank you.

He tore my young, aspiring, tight thespian ass a new one.

It destroyed me.

But, hey, he was right.

[snarling]

So I did my research. I went deep.

I went so deep it hurt. [cackling]

And the next day, I marched myself right back in there,

and I gave it my all.

[rising dramatic score]

The French fries have gone cold,

you motherfucker.

[slow clapping]

He didn't give me that one-line part.

Instead, he invited me to dinner.

PEPPER: I'd like to invite you to dinner at my home.

FISHER: And he offered me a leading role.

John, I'd like to offer you a leading role.

FISHER: I would play an FBI agent who goes rogue

and plays by his own specific, dangerous set of rules.

You'll be playing an FBI agent who goes rogue

and plays by his own specific set of rules.

I asked him... how can I ever understand...

what it's like to be an FBI agent

unless...

I actually...

become an FBI agent?

He said nothing.

He smiled and nodded.

And then he wished me...

Good luck.

Wait, so you became an actual FBI agent?

Yeah.

A decade ago.

First I had to stop with the Guffey Light,

so I got sober.

Then I got into shape.

Got my associate's degree in criminology.

My wife, Cassandra,

she thought I was nuts.

She divorced me.

But at that point, I was already in at the academy in Quantico.

I worked hard.

I studied my tight little ass off.

And the next thing you know, bango!

I'm a special agent in the FBI.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Fuck yeah.

[chuckling]

Oh, man.

But they stationed me to Portland, Maine,

a million miles from Hollywood.

Bounced around, working through the different field offices,

busting criminals...

orchestrating sting operations, filing RICO charges.

I met a prostitute named Joris.

Like Doris, but with a J.

She taught me how to play bridge.

Ended up in Phoenix. Thought I'd never leave.

So I had to blackmail my commanding officer,

and I got reassigned here.

Jackson Pepper's jurisdiction.

- Jesus Christ. - Ten years.

Ten years waiting my tight little ass off for Mr. Pepper to call.

And now all of that time...

all of that time is wasted!

It's wasted!

Because you and your little pal in the trunk

had to go and murder him.

And now all I got to show for it

is this stupid FBI badge

and an ulcer the size of Wisconsin.

[growling]

[screaming]

So right now, you're a rogue FBI agent

living by his own set of dangerous rules.

No, no, no... now I'm just a sad sack of bones

that used to have dreams,

but now his dreams are shattered.

Oh, you know what the worst part is?

I fucking nailed being an FBI agent.

You were so good!

I had this whole backstory, this subtext.

This obsession with fairness.

Okay, and if you want fairness, then you must know

that Kevin did not kill him.

- It was the Venetian F... - Oh, fuck...

- F-F-F? F-F-F? - PEARL: Venetian Voolay.

- It was the Fauchard! - The Venetian Fauchard!

[laughing] Fauchard! Fauchard!

Ehh! Wrong. If Kevin was innocent,

there's no way he would have run away from the crime scene

and then returned to it and tossed all the evidence

out the window like a child.

Have you ever seen a child throw evidence out a window?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

- Oh... oh. - [snoring]

A sleepy little guy.

Little sleepy liar.

What? You think I'm an idiot?

Aah!

Wait a minute.

The fuck you doin'... no!

[screaming]

[high-pitched whine]

[muffled screams]

This is gonna be fun.

["The Nightmare Begins" by Streets plays]

? The same scene ?

? Where I lose her again and again ?

? Yeah, it's always the same ?

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