Original subtitles

OLD MAN: I reckon I've walked this dirt my entire life.

[rooster crowing]

Man sure sees a lot when he walks the dirt.

Peaches. Apples.

Cotton.

Pecans. Onions.

Once saw a chicken that had three feet.

Even got its photo in the Daily Gazette.

People called that chicken a miracle.

[stirring music]

I don't know about that.

But in my life, I am certain

that I've only witnessed one miracle.

My name is George Washington Carver,

and this is the story of my miracle.

[laughter]

VOICE: Oh, my God!

[laughter]

KEVIN [ONSCREEN]: This is the story of a man...

Kev, relax, it's going great, man.

Man...

VOICE: What is this shit?!

KEVIN: You understand what's happening right now?

This is the most important movie in my career,

and it's about to be in over 4,000 theaters,

and they're laughing at me.

I mean, that opening is kind of funny.

What the fuck did you just say?

- No, not-- - What just-- What the fuck do you mean?

Not... not "funny" funny.

Funny as in uncanny.

Your portrayal is uncanny, and, uh...

truthfully, I'm allergic to peanuts, anyway,

so I'm not even qualified to comment on the film.

I'm trying my best to be a grounded,

down-to-earth guy.

Y'all gotta clean that up. Here's my thing.

- I feel like I got it coming. - Sorry.

- They're gonna ruin me. - I know you've turned this corner

in your career and you want to focus on more dramatic roles, but--

- Kenny, I swear to God. - [phone vibrating]

If this is one of your "stay in your lane"

motivational speeches, I'm gonna punch you.

- Kevin, look-- - I'm gonna fucking punch you!

- Calm down, all right? - Yeah.

You said you wanted to be the world's biggest standup.

You did it.

You wanted to be the world's biggest action star.

Guess what, Kevin? You did it.

You've climbed the mountain. Man, hell, you are the mountain.

Yeah, but I want critical success.

You ain't never cared what the critics have said before.

Well, this time it's different.

I don't care about the box office, man.

I just want people to take me more seriously.

KENNY: Look, you are Kevin Hart.

You're not Daniel Day-Lewis or Cate Blanchett.

Damn sure ain't Jillian Jones.

Why can't I be one of them?

I... I don't want to answer that

because I don't want you to fire me.

[phone vibrating]

Ah, shit, I gotta take this.

Sorry, man. Yeah?

Yo, DJ! What up, my dude?

Man, I ain't doin' nothin', man, just leavin' this movie...

Ahh, it was aight, man, it was funny as hell.

Fire third course table nine! First course table sixteen!

Second course table twenty,

and I want parmesan tuile intact this time!

Yes, chef!

[sighing]

You know, I hear ya, Kev. It's hard to get people

to change their perception of who they think you are.

I'm sorry. Maybe we should step outside for a minute,

- take five or something? - Eh, I can't.

I'm researching a role for my next film.

Line cooks don't get to take five when shit hits the fan.

CHEF: Eighty-six the langoustine!

Yes, chef!

Okay, but I'll go for it.

Um, okay, so look. You're Jillian Jones.

- Right. - You've already got gold hardware

- on your mantel. - Mm, thank you.

I still got to prove myself. I'm on my third dramatic role,

and I gotta be honest, each role has bombed

significantly worse than the one before.

I know.

Well, it's getting humiliating.

[sighing] Well...

- corner! - I mean...

- all right, we're walking now. - Careful, hot veg!

Okay, I think right now it's probably more about me just...

I want my career and my roles to provide a deeper meaning.

Right now, I don't feel like that's happening,

because everybody wants me to be the funny guy.

Or they want me to be the action guy.

And I feel like I'm being pigeonholed.

Mm. Tell me about it.

For years, I've wanted to get into directing.

But you're not a director.

You're an amazing actor, but you're not a director--

- oh, my God. - Mm-hmm.

That's how it feels, right there.

Damn it, Kevin.

I have been wanting to get into directing my whole life.

But you and everybody else

just sees me as this incredible,

award-winning, shape-shifting actress

that's played everybody from Coco Chanel to Winston Churchill.

You played Churchill?

Have I played Churchill?

[deep voice, British accent] The price of greatness is responsibility.

- It's like he's here. - He was.

[gulp] And now he's gone.

- Wow! - Yeah.

Pretty amazing, right?

Not to me.

Oh, um...

Every director just uses me like a puppet.

- Oh my God. - It is exhausting.

I would give anything to feel that level of exhaustion.

Anything.

Trust me, Kevin, you do not want to be

- a dramatic actor. - No...

- Behind! - Yes, chef!

Behind. Listen, I'm not getting any younger.

Right now, I'm thinking more about my life, my career.

How will Kevin Hart be remembered?

Gran Coramino tequila. Tequila.

Don't do that please. I don't like that.

- Please. - Okay.

I want them to think that I'm a great actor.

[soft chuckle, sigh]

JILLIAN: So, you want approval from other people?

I want approval from myself.

[laughing]

It's kind of pathetic, huh?

Yes, it is.

- Aww... shit! - What the fuck?!

Ahh, it's a gusher. Oh my God, Jillian!

Your... fucking finger!

You lost your fucking finger.

I feel like we should call somebody maybe.

- You want help? - Don't draw too much attention.

- You're bleeding. - Am I? Am I bleeding?

This will do in a pinch.

[groaning]

I don't feel like that's good.

I'm a line cook. You can't just call your mommy

to take you to urgent care.

You gotta just... use what you got.

Oh, Kevin.

There is a director.

Jackson Pepper.

He's got the Midas touch.

Everyone he works with goes home with a little golden statue.

Okay, look, I'm gonna be honest with you.

That's why I came here today.

Jillian, please help me.

I would kill...

to be in a Jackson Pepper movie.

I'm gonna tell you something, Kevin.

I...

became a Best Actress winner

in a Jackson Pepper film.

And it nearly killed me.

And I'm not talking about down here,

I'm talking about up here.

He demands total commitment.

The likes of which I don't think

you can possibly comprehend.

Jillian... I... look,

I will plumb the depths of my soul,

and I will feed it to him myself.

That's how bad I want this.

Okay, Kevin.

I'll call him.

[dramatic music]

[opera playing distantly]

That's a big ass spear.

- It's not a spear. - What the fuck is goin'-- hey!

It's a Venetian Fauchard

from the set of "Roman Inferno."

Yeah, well, it's a nice...

it's a real nice, umm...

- Venetian Fauchard. - Mm-hmm.

How about that movie?

It's an all-timer.

Really is. Gene Hackman is transcendent.

Gene wore this very armor,

wielded this very Fauchard,

in the killing sequence atop the Spanish Steps.

Powerful. So powerful.

[clears throat]

"I have stared into the eyes...

of a man taking his last breath.

- I take no solace here." - [distant sounds of battle]

"For it is not my right to take his life,

but it is a necessity to defend my own."

- [battle-cries] - [horse neighs]

- This is the scythe... - Mm-hmm?

...Robert Redford gave to Meryl Streep

to mow the hay field in "The Pony Rides West."

[gasping]

Go ahead. Touch it.

I... I gotta touch that.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, look at the grip.

Careful.

It's sharp. That's real sharp.

- You can kill somebody with this. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Head off. [chuckling]

Touch whatever you want, by the way.

Wow.

Yes, Dustin Hoffman used that

in "Simple Beast."

Sixty-two takes in the hospital scene

using this very rag

to clean his leaking rectum.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

That's gross.

[chuckling]

You find an actor fully committing to his character

to be gross, Kevin?

No, what you're saying... what you just said,

that's beautiful.

That's-- like that-- in fact, now?

I'mma touch it some more.

Yeah, all right, I'm in there.

I mean, this is...

...a little bit of Hoffman ass.

- I like it. - I'm hungry, let's eat.

[gagging]

I hope you don't mind the microwaveable meal.

I sent the staff home early.

Um... it's okay. It's nice and hot.

Frozen lasagna must be overcooked

in order to melt the cheese thoroughly.

Unfortunately...

that does render the lasagna a bit too hot.

I suggest we wait a moment.

Thank you, that's... that's great advice.

So... Mr. Pepper...

would you like to discuss why I'm here?

For the same reason every actor comes to visit me.

You want a shelf full of golden hardware.

Oh, yeah-- I mean no.

No, and I'm quite sure people come to visit you to spend time with you.

Right? And eat some of this amazing lasagna

that you're making me wait for.

[chuckling]

PEPPER: I saw your film, "The Peanut Man."

- Well, it's actually called... - It made me grateful...

watching it...

grateful that George Washington Carver

was not alive to see his brilliant legacy defecated upon

by such a shallow, phony performance.

[gulp]

Acting is not a Wikipedia summary read from afar.

Do you see that photo?

Paul Newman.

That's... from "The Garbage Man," right?

That was taken the night he won Best Actor for "The Garbage Man."

You know, I thought he was really a garbage man.

He spent three years prior to production

not working as an actor

but as an actual garbage man

for the Department of Sanitation

in Toms River, New Jersey.

Jesus.

Cry.

Excuse me?

You heard me, cry. Right now.

Like, what kind of cry? Like a... like a Denzel cry?

you want, like, a Whoopi Goldberg cry?

And action.

[clang]

[straining]

[straining]

[groaning]

No, stop, stop.

[sighing]

Kevin, if you want to attend an awards show,

I suggest you apply for a job as an usher.

Okay look. I... I get it, all right?

People come here, they supposed to fear you.

I'm... I'm supposed to bow down to you

or some shit like that.

I understand. I'm an actor.

I am a serious actor.

And I'm looking for a serious role.

Okay? I'm willing to do anything.

If I've got to gain 50 pounds.

If I've got to learn how to play the cello.

I just need someone to give me a chance...

to show I can be dramatic.

Wow.

That's the most interesting thing you've said all night.

I believe the lasagna has reached the ideal temperature.

Kevin, my next role...

is not for the faint of heart.

It's a fugitive running from a murder scene.

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

Like, I can... I can sink my teeth into something like that.

Perhaps you could.

With the right life experience, of course.

Oh, I got... I got life experience.

I did time.

Like a mistaken identity situation, right?

Basically they said it was me, but it wasn't me.

I still had to go though.

I met some bad guys in there though.

Real bad guys.

I'm quite sure if I talk to them, I could get some details

on some murder stories.

Get them to kind of explain it, you know.

[chuckling]

How committed are you to this role, Kevin?

Are you a little committed?

Or a lot?

Or all the fucking way?

What? I'm your guy.

Okay? I promise, man, I'm locked in.

[chuckling]

Good.

Kill me.

Excuse me?

There's no shortage of weapons here in my trophy room.

Choose one and kill me.

The scythe is a nice option.

You could slice open my gut.

[anxious chuckling]

Why would I do that?

You wouldn't be able to digest your lasagna.

Come on, man, let's eat. Before it gets cold.

You said it's at temperature. You said that.

Making jokes, of course.

How could someone like you ever understand

the role of a fugitive murderer?

Wha...

[groaning]

...look, what do you mean, "How can I understand?"

'Cause I'mma lock in, I'mma study.

Oh, like you studied George Washington Carver?

I'll study a little harder.

I'll go and watch, like, you know,

a bunch of documentaries on murder and stuff.

Oh.

You don't understand, Kevin.

Your research has already begun.

Your prints are all over my house...

including most of the weapons in this room.

I've called in an anonymous tip,

and the authorities will be arriving soon.

Arriving for what?

I haven't done anything.

[soft chuckle]

Kevin.

Oh, poor, sweet Kevin.

What're you doin'?

You've done the unimaginable.

What... oh!

Help! Help!

- Hey, man, get the fuck-- - Help!

Oh, shit!

Hey, stop, man! What the fuck you doing?!

Hey! Stop, man!

- Kevin Hart is attacking me! Help! - Ain't nobody attacking you!

- Kevin, why are you doing this?! - Why you gotta be so specific?!

- What you doing?! - Kevin, no!

- No! - He's trying to kill me

because I wouldn't give him a part!

Oh, shit!

- Stop, man! - Help!

Get the fuck off of me!

[wet thud]

Oh, my fucking God.

[sighing]

Shit! Fuck!

["No Regrets" by Little Willie John playing]

? No regrets, no regrets ?

- ? I'm living the life of a king ? - ? I've no regrets ?

? I've been a lot of places, oh yeah... ?

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