All language subtitles for What We Do in the Shadows s06e10 The Promotion.eng

Welcome to the quarterly report
with yours truly,

- me.
- [employees laugh]

All right.
So investments by sector...

Things are going
really great at work.

I feel like I finally found what
I'm meant to do in life.

- Jimmy.
- [employees laugh]

- Does anyone ever call you
Big Red? - No.

And it feels really great
to finally be, you know, appreciated.

[chattering]

[Jordan] Let's go.

- Out.
- [Guillermo] Out.

- Oh!
- Fuck!

[Guillermo] I finally feel
like I belong somewhere.

Everything is coming up
Guillermo.

[chuckles] Fuck you too.

Okay.
All my best to Patrice. Bye.

- Dude, that move you made
on Salazar. - Mmm.

Holy shit. How did you know
that we should short that?

You know someone over there?

Just did my research.
Just leave it at that. [chuckles]

You know what I say,

you do whatever
you can get away with, right?

And don't use that.

That's the kinda shit that
we look for in our full-time analyst.

Mr. Nelson was saying
he's very pleased

- with your work.
- What?

You could be
moving up here real quick, G.

- Oh.
- In fact,

tomorrow night, we should
have a little rager here

and toast to your badass self.

Think about preppin' a speech

'cause I got something
special planned for you

that you are gonna love.

Invite some friends, huh?

- Yeah.
- You do have friends, don't ya?

- Yeah. Okay.
I got tons of friends. - Cool, I wanna meet 'em!

[Guillermo]
So I'll be making a speech

and you would all
be attending as my friends.

Well, friends as in your friends
or someone else's?

Someone else's feels better.

Ah, I would be attending
as a valued Cannon Capital employee,

not your friend.

Okay, you know what? Forget it.
Forget I even asked.

Nonsense. I will also
be attending as a former employee.

And don't worry,
I will not be "triggered"

by returning to the corridors
I once kept so very tidy

as chief supreme janitor.

I think you were
just a regular janitor.

And I too shall attend,
for your soiree shall be the perfect debut

- for my completed
Cravensworth's Monster. - [Nandor] Oh.

It's been a rocky road,
but as you can see,

- he's quite the handsome chap.
- [monster grunts]

And far smarter than Nandor.

- What the fuck?
- [Laszlo] Yeah.

I don't know, Laszlo. I mean,

the last time we took him
around other people,

he popped Jerry's head
like a swollen tick.

Jerry did pretty much
deserve that.

And he's promised
not to do it again.

Stand up. Come round here.

[Nadja]
If you're going to insist on bringing him,

he simply must wear trousers.

Not tonight, Josephine. [laughs]

? Don't sing
If you want to live long ?

? They have no use
For your song ?

? You're dead, you're dead,
You're dead ?

? You're dead
And out of this world ?

? Now your hope
And compassion is gone ?

? You've sold out your dream
To the world ?

? Stay dead, stay dead,
Stay dead ?

? You're dead
And out of this world ?

All right, it's official.

You are swagged out.

- Will Laszlo like?
- Do you like?

Laszlo master.
What would Laszlo like?

Okay. You know, you and I
don't have to go to this party, Monster.

I mean, we could stay home
and binge watch a season of USOT.

United States of Tara.

No. Laszlo say we go party.

But is that what you want?

Want make Laszlo proud.

Do you want to make me proud?

Laszlo master.

Yeah, all right.

- Hey you, guys.
- [Jimmy] Oh!

Today everyone is talking about
the man of the hour.

Whatever you heard,
don't believe it. None of it's true.

Come on! We heard the Salazar
short was all you.

Uh... Yeah, that part is true.
You can believe it.

- I believe 'em. I'm a believer.
- Oh, yep!

Oh. Excuse me for a moment.
You made it!

- Look at this! It's the friends!
- Yeah.

- They're real. Pinch me.
- Pinch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Sorry.
- Don't mind the cameras here.

We're making a
little promotional documentary

about Cannon Capital in,
what we like to call, the Cannon way.

- So you'll get used to 'em.
- Jordan.

Ah. Yes, Nan... Nancy?

- Yeah.
- [Laszlo] Leave it with me.

I say my perfectly normal
friend here needs to take a piss.

- Ah.
- Where would he do that?

Toilet now.

- Uh, just down the hall
on the left. - Thanking you. Come on.

Come on. It's to the left.

Maybe I'm trippin' out here,

but isn't that the guy that beat
the fuckin' shit out of you? Bald guy?

- [chuckles] What?
I don't think so. - Looks like him.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- And... Hey, you.

Weren't you a janitor here?

Ha. I get that a lot.
No, that was, um, uh...

my slow-witted brother
who looks a lot like me,

but he's
a completely different guy.

- [Jordan] Well,
small world, huh? - Yeah.

But, listen. Sorry we had
to let your brother go.

It just wasn't
a good culture fit, you know?

Sure, sure.

I guess he just
didn't make the grade, so...

I'm glad I'm not that guy.
[chuckles]

You tellin' me.
So, what do you do?

I used to command armies
in the Middle East.

- Top secret stuff.
- [Nandor] Sure. Yes.

Like Mossad?

- Gesundheit.
- [Jimmy] Guillermo, shots! Come on.

- Oh, no.
- [Raj] You're taking two shots!

- He's taking some shots!
- [Jordan] Set him up, Jimmy.

Okay. But I'll be right back.
I'll be right back though.

So how do you know Guillermo?

Oh, he used to be
my right-hand man for many years.

Man, I wish I had
four Guillermos, right?

Really lightened my load
around here.

I wish I had two Guillermos.

Then you could have one.
I would have one.

And then the two Guillermos
could become friends or even lovers.

And I could say like,
"Hey, Guillermo, go fuck yourself."

And then he could do that.

Okay, well...

- Cut that.
- Nice meeting you.

- [Lisa] There he is.
- Oh, yeah.

[chuckles] No. I cannot wait
to start working with you.

All right. Take care.

No, you take care.

How about we both take care?
[chuckles] Stop it. Okay. Bye.

[sighs]

[squeals]

What?

I have just been offered
an incredible new job.

But is Guillermo gonna be okay
without you watching over him the whole time?

- Doing what?
- Remember?

The reason you started
working here in the first place?

Oh, right! I guess
I completely forgot about that.

Oh, well. Fuck it.

He's doing fine, isn't he?
[chuckles]

I certainly am. [chuckles]

I must admit, I am sad
to be leaving Cannon Capital.

I never quite figured out
what it is we actually do here.

Lamps?

Making and/or selling
really enormous lamps?

But... [sighs]
...there's a lot more work

to be done
before I can truly celebrate.

Unfortunately, when you are
quitting your job in human world,

you have to burn all
of your bridges at your workplace.

It is a very mysterious
human custom.

I think that they do it
so that their coworkers

that they leave behind
will not miss them so much.

It's sort of sweet.

[cackles]

I do not fully understand
this tradition,

but as they say
in ancient Callipraxos...

[speaking foreign language]

Which means
"fuck up as much shit as possible."

[screams]

Yeah, they were
a really destructive society.

[monster speaking Latin]

[chuckles] What's he saying?

- It's Latin, you pricks.
- [Raj] I knew that.

[Colin] Hey,
why don't we take a break

and see how many pizza rolls
we can get in your mouth?

[grunts] Laszlo happy?

No.
Recite pi to the fiftieth point.

3.1416?

Five! Five!

[grunting]

What are you doing?
He's not having any fun.

Of course he is.
He's having a great time.

He's the life of the party.

No, he's not.

And I don't appreciate you
trotting him out like some dancing bear.

Well, I don't give a monkey's
what you appreciate.

He's as happy as a horse.

I suggest you go
and get yourself a cocktail.

You get yourself a cocktail.

- [monster] Seven.
- [Laszlo] Did he get it?

- [employee] Yes.
- Of course he did.

He's the best, that's why.
Come out here.

Gather around, everyone.
I want you to watch this.

That's it. Out you come.
Fast as you can.

Turn the music on.

- [upbeat music playing]
- He likes this one.

I mean, he's no Patrick Swayze,
but he can dance.

Pretty good, right? That's it.

[monster] I stop now?

No, no. You stop
when I damn well tell you.

He never gets tired.
He can do that all night.

Oh, Cathy.
I've been meaning to tell you,

your spreadsheets
are absolute hogshit, girlie.

It's, like, are you numerically
demented or something? [chuckles]

And Brock,

your fianc�e has been cheating
on you with your brother for ages.

I'm gonna miss you both so much.

Shit. [sniffs]

Oh, hi. Have you seen Jordan?

Someone broke the glass
in conference room B.

- Lisa, my favorite. [sobs]
- Oh, come on.

- Your voice
is incredibly deep... - Yes.

...and nasal and grating.

And your whole vibe,

it's like you crave love
'cause you never had it as a child,

like, where were your parents?

You're really hard
to be around. [sobs]

I said I wouldn't cry!
[chuckles]

That's not your desk.

[Nadja] Not anymore. It's not.

Very cool.

A water closet in your office?

- Oh, yeah.
- You ever get tempted to, you know,

just sit at your desk

and whip it out and see
if you can piss right into the toilet?

No, but I'll have
to give that a try.

We don't need to be talking
about piss in front of my boss.

[Jordan] Ease up, G.

I'm always telling Guillermo
that he works too hard.

He's always here.
I gotta watch out for this guy.

Otherwise, one day,
it'll be him behind this desk,

- right? [chuckles]
- No. No.

My mini me. My mentee.
My right-hand man.

He used to do
a similar thing for me.

- We called it shit work.
- [Jordan] Ah.

- Same, same.
- No, not the same.

For one, I actually
get something from working here.

[Guillermo chuckles]

Well... [clears throat]
...why don't we take a little breath here?

- Yeah.
- How about you go get me a beer?

- Get yourself some too.
- Got it, boss.

And one for me.

Really? You want a beer too?

Yes, Guillermo.
I would like a beer

on the rocks.

- [Jordan] Just go get the beers.
- Yeah.

It's always a fucking discussion
with this guy.

It was the same when he worked
for me, you know? So argumentative.

- Mm-hmm.
- Always talking back

like some kind of needy child.

[chuckles] Exactly. Just, like,
do what I fucking say.

Yes, like a servant.

Those were your words,
not mine. [chuckles]

Sure. Sure.

But you do value Guillermo
as a part of the team, right?

[mutters] Let me tell you something.
You gotta have at least one guy

who would do anything
to make you happy.

Neediness is a great motivator.

[Nandor] He was always
needing something.

- Food. Water.
- Yeah.

A new brush for my hair.

Classic beta shit, right?

So, how do you deal
with the beta shits?

Well,
probably the same way you do.

Smile,
and a little speck of hope,

and they will do anything
you need them to do.

I mean anything.

But, I mean, you wouldn't
take advantage of Guillermo like that, right?

No. Officially, no.

I have grown suspicious
of Guillermo's beloved Jordan.

I'm not sure that he has
Guillermo's best interests at heart.

But surely, a true leader would
never dream

of treating a loyal underling
with such contempt.

- [Guillermo grunts]
- That's point.

It's simply not done.

Would you excuse me
for a moment, Jordan? I just...

I gotta make sure that Guillermo
isn't putting too many rocks in my beer.

No, seriously, man, I feel like
everyone's having kids now.

- It's, like, gross.
- [monster grunts]

Sorry, I don't wanna hang out
with babies all the time.

Yeah. What about you, man?
You want kids?

Uh... kids? What am I made of?
Money?

[employees laugh]

- Give me that. That's my man.
- Nice.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- [grunts] Fight! Danger!

- [Lisa] Oh!
- Sorry!

[grunting]

No sweat, man.

We're just gonna go
get this cleaned up, like, away from here.

What the fuck happened there?

You were doing well
with the wankers.

- Mistake.
- I should damn well say so.

Chill your tits, Laszlo.

You chill your tits.
My monster, my rules.

But he has feelings.

Feelings? He's a monster.

He'll have feelings when I tell
him to have feelings.

Toilet.

- [Laszlo] What a surprise.
- Now, see what you've done?

"I feel like I finally found
a place where I belong.

And I wanna
specially thank Jordan

for seeing something in me
that perhaps I didn't see"-

Guillermo,
I must speak with you urgently.

No, not right now.
I'm practicing my speech.

Guillermo, I do not trust
this man Jordan nor his intentions for you.

Of course.

- Of course what?
- Things are finally looking up for me.

I have a purpose, a future.

And here you are,
trying to ruin it all, 'cause why?

- 'Cause you're jealous?
- I'm trying to help you.

You've never believed in me,
never encouraged me.

You just let me sit and stew

and wonder endlessly
why I wasn't good enough.

That does not sound
like something I would do.

And Jordan is not like you.

I'm about to get promoted
to full-time analyst,

and here you are trying
to tear it all down like you always do

when I have something special
in front of me.

All right, everybody, circle up.
Come on, bring it in.

Now, you know how much
I hate public speaking, but you guys...

- Guillermo-
- No.

This is how it's supposed to be.

You work hard
and you get rewarded.

And if you don't like that,
you don't have to be a part of my life.

We just made a sizable chunk
of change shorting Salazar.

- Let's hear it. Yeah!
- [Lisa] Yeah!

[Jordan] But there is one person
that I really gotta shout out.

He's the reason
why we're all here tonight.

Cannon's visionary founder,
Mr. Gene Nelson!

- A legend in our midst! Yeah.
- [employees cheering]

Don't let me interrupt you,
Jordan.

Tonight's about you
and your stellar team.

[Jordan]
Well, you know what, sir? It is a team.

I'm always saying
to the people here

that we are like the Avengers
of Wall Street, right?

We got the, of course,
Captain America back there.

And Black Widow
with Spider-man right there.

And Raj, you know you
are my Thor, baby, dropping that hammer.

And who else?

I guess Groot.
So solid. And... Huh!

Well, what does that make me?
Who brings everybody together?

- Tony Stark.
- Tony Stark. I'll take it.

[chuckles] Let's raise a glass
to Mr. Nelson.

- Let's keep this rager raging.
- [cheering]

- Hey, Jordan.
I thought you were... - Thanks, buddy.

- [Guillermo] What about my...
- Hey, Mr. Nelson. VIP area...

[Nadja]
Thank you so much for that, Jordan.

But I will make
a real announcement.

Sadly, my time here
at Cannon Capital Strategies

is coming to an end.

I know.
Let your tears out, it's okay.

But I got an offer
I couldn't refuse

from a very exciting
new company,

and I think
they really wanted me

because all I had to do
to get the job

was send them
ten thousand dollars in cash

along with some photographs
of my feet.

- [Lisa] Wait, what?
- [Nadja laughs]

- Headhunted!
- [Laszlo] Yeah!

So, now all I need to do
is convince 15 more people to join me.

- Who's in?
- Uh, you just got scammed.

Yeah, enjoy your totally real,
new job, bitch.

- What?
- And if they're not hiring,

- I'm sure the Ren Faire is.
Great outfit. - Oh, yeah.

- I've got a new job-
- Leave Nadja alone!

- [Colin] Relax.
- [Laszlo] Oh, I don't want another head.

- I swear to fuck.
- [Colin] Calm down.

[grunting] Dick.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

- [grunts]
- [Laszlo] You behave like an animal.

Come on.
Stop beating yourself up.

Laszlo mad at me.

No, he's not mad at you.

You were just exhibiting
classic party behavior.

Who cares
if you get loose as a goose?

I monster.

You are not a monster.

You are a cool dude.

- [grunts]
- Shit. Your staple's leaking.

All right. I'm gonna call you
next week. Thanks for coming by.

Hey, Jordan. Can I talk to you?

Sorry. Old man Nelson
was going on and on,

but his nurse/wife
got him out of here,

- so, what's up?
- Uh...

I was just wondering why
you didn't let me go up there

and give my speech?

I'm so- I'm sorry.
It slipped my mind.

With Mr. Nelson being here,
it was crazy.

I just didn't want things to get
too confusing for everybody.

It's just that you asked me
to prepare a speech

and I thought you were happy
with the work that I've been doing.

I am happy. I'm thrilled.

In fact, I got you something

that's way better than a stupid
shout-out and a speech.

Something that you've earned.

Wait right here.

It's happening. [chuckles]

[Jordan] Close your eyes.

Here we go. Ta-da! Open 'em up.

Just a little thank you for all
the hard work that you do around here.

We make a hell of a team,
don't we?

Wow. Thank you.

- Hmm.
- Um...

Just put it right there
on your desk. It'll look nice.

It's just a...

I just thought that maybe
you were going to give me a promotion?

[snorts]

[chuckles]

No, no, I... I can't promote you
until you're ready.

It'll happen
when the time is right.

How much time would that be,
just, hypothetically?

Oh, I don't know.
Ballpark a couple of years.

You can't rush paying your dues,
Guillermo.

[Guillermo scoffs] No.

No.

- No!
- Whoa!

When the time is right?
I already wasted so much time!

What's your fucking damage, bro?

My damage is, I'm tired of being strung
along and I'm not doing it anymore!

Really?

Well, maybe you should
check your attitude and remember

that you're talking
to your fucking boss.

You're the person that helps
actually important people

get their shit done.

You're not a killer.
You gotta know your fucking place.

Excuse me?

Dude, that's company property.

- You know
who you're fucking with? - I'm sorry.

I don'�t think you know
who you'�re fucking with.

- Oh, no, no. Nandor.
- No.

- [choking]
- Nandor, put him down. Nandor, no.

You're maybe more successful
and rich and smart and better looking

and have a generally
cooler vibe than him.

But you do not get
to speak to him like that.

- Okay, just-just
put him down please. - [Jordan] Put me down.

I cannot have you speaking
to Guillermo this way.

Drop him! Now.

Fine.

[Jordan screams]

[groaning]

[Guillermo]
You know what? You're right.

I'm not a killer. But I know
a way to hurt you even worse.

I think I'll give a call
to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Yes!

- What is that?
- Don't worry about it.

Bullshit. What?
You're gonna come at me?

You openly talk about
insider trading constantly.

Oh, yeah? Well,
how are you gonna prove it?

Yeah, bro, it's my documentary.

[scoffs]

- It's his documentary.
- [snorts]

Yeah. Over the years,
I've learned that you gotta protect yourself.

Hey, take a look at this.

And information
is a great way of doing that.

- All right, you got all that?
- Yes.

Now delete it.

- Why?
- Dude, no paper trail.

It's cool. The SEC guy is a total pussy.
He's not gonna do shit.

[Guillermo]
People love telling me things.

Maybe it's my face
or that they don't know I'm in the room.

Either way, I keep receipts.

And I'm not talking
just about the CVS ones. [chuckles]

- It's his documentary. [snorts]
- [chuckles]

Cut. Cut. Cut!

- [elevator dings]
- [Laszlo] Well, that was a bust.

It looks like I'm back
to the drawing board

with Cravensworth's Monster.

- I'm not Cravensworth's Monster.
- [Laszlo] What are you then?

- Robinson's Monster.
- Huh.

Don't be so preposterous.

Well, you were really hard
on the poor guy in there.

And what was he doing?
He was just cutting it up with the guys.

He cried in the bathroom.

He even had Nadja's back
without popping that guy's head.

Face it, we created
a monster with real emotions.

I, for one, am jazzed.

- Jazz.
- [chuckles] Yeah.

I suppose you have a point.
And between us, Colin Robinson,

we will force the entire
scientific community to eat shit.

- Well, we've gotta.
- Yeah.

- I love both my fathers.
- [Colin chuckles]

- Of course you do.
- Sure you do.

Now kiss.

[chuckles] I'm, uh...

- What-What was that?
- Kiss, Daddies, now.

[Laszlo] No, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

I don't know. I mean, we could.

We still have 7 floors to go.

He really takes
after his daddy.

Horny little freak.

All right.
Let's get out of this shithole.

- [Nandor] Yes.
- [Laszlo] Absolutely.

[Colin] Fair enough.

Well, usually,
it's kind of a one-person thing.

Give me your hand. Careful.

After you.

Wow. What a night!

Yeah. I feel like
it could've gone better for me.

The way the two of us
just took down that evil guy like that.

This must be what it feels like
to do a good deed.

I feel so... so... charged up!

Fuck these guys!

- [grunts]
- [Guillermo] Oh, shit!

[Nandor] Yeah! [laughs] Suck it.

- Go, Nandor!
- [Nandor] This feels incredible.

You know, it also make me wonder

what else
we could accomplish together.

I'm not going back
to being your familiar.

I'm not talking about you
being my familiar, Guillermo.

Look, I will always
be killing people because I'm a vampire.

It's what we do.
But what if I was more picky?

If I use my powers for good.

- To bring justice
to this unjust world. - Oh.

You mean like Batman.

I don't know who that is.

But also, I was thinking,
why not create a secret underground lair.

And, I would have
my very own young sidekick.

Like Robin.

I don't think robbing people
is a good idea.

- I don't know.
- You don't know.

You do know! This is why
we've been brought together.

It's not for me to make you
a fucking vampire.

Fuck all that shit.

But for us to create
an unbreakable alliance.

To help people
in this broken society.

Some shit like that.

Face it, Guillermo.
You're never gonna be just a normal human guy.

You don't belong with them.

You belong with us.

But I'm not a vampire.

No, you're not.
You're something even cooler.

You are a warrior.

Okay. Let go of my hand now.

- It's a bit clammy.
- Sorry.

What else can I throw
at that building?

[? "Eve Of Destruction" playing]

? Violent flares
And bullets loading ?

? You're old enough to kill
But not for voting ?

? You don't believe
in war...?

I'm done with that pinstripe
pit of corporate despair.

- You were only there
for an hour, Laszlo. - That was enough.

I had a great time.
Got myself a souvenir.

[Nadja] So did I.

[Guillermo]
Oh, no. Is that Lisa?

She really was my favorite.

Well, good night.

- I'll be in the shed
if you guys- - [door slams]

- [door opens]
- Guillermo? Where are you going?

Get back here.

We've got things to discuss.

First on the agenda,
let's talk capes.

What if we wear them
on our fronts?

[music continues playing]

? My blood's so mad
It feels like coagulatin'?

? I'm a-sittin' here
Just contem-temp-a-latin'?

? I can't twist the truth
It knows no regulation ?

? A handful of senators
Don't pass legislation ?

? And marches alone
Can't bring segregation ?

? When human respect
is disintegratin'?

? The whole fuckin' world
Is just too frustratin'?

? And you tell me ?

? Over and over and over again
My friend ?

? That you don't believe ?

? We're on the eve
Of destruction ?

? And you tell me ?

? Over and over and over again
My friend ?

? That you don't believe ?

? We're on the eve
Of destruction ?

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