All language subtitles for Spy.English (CC)

[intriguing music playing]

[people chattering]

Ladies.

Baccarat.

Exquisite.

[women gasp]

[man speaking Bulgarian]

Tihomir.

Hang up.

[hangs up receiver]

Bradley Fine.

I'm honored.

Pleasure's all mine.

Tell me where the bomb is.

Ten seconds, or you're dead.

Interesting.

You see, when my men and I hid it,

I made sure to erase any witnesses.

[man groans]

And then I erased the erasers.

Which means,

I'm now the only one who knows

just where that dangerously compact
and transportable nuke is.

So…

I'd say I have more than ten seconds.

Well then, in that case,
I'd say you'd better start--

-[sneezes]
-[gun fires]

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God! Why did you do that?

I didn't do it on purpose.
There's, like, a ton of pollen in here!

Oh, God! Christmas on a cracker!
Did you take your medicine?

I forgot it on the plane.

I told you this morning,
I put extra in all your jackets!

You did?

Great. Shit! Thanks.

No, you know what? That's on me.

I heard you sniffle a while ago
and I did nothing with that information.

So that's blood on my hands, really--

You know what? You got three coming in.

Get out the back door now. Move.

[gunfire]

Anybody in here?

Yeah, we got one
coming around the corner, now.

-[gunshots]
-[man groans]

Your three guests are coming out
that door behind you. Watch your six.

Yahtzee.

Oh, zinger! [laughs fawningly]

I should've brought more bullets.

I thought they were chocolate sprinkles,

which I'd eat by the fistful,
but this tasted like…

There's no other way to say it.

Like a rat's arse.

Guys, can you please keep it down?

Unfortunately, there's vermin
in the ceiling again,

and I hate to say it,
but they've pooped all over your cake.

-I'm going left?
-[Susan] No.

I need you to go right
and head down the tunnel.

You've got one coming to your right,
he's got a swarm behind him.

-That's my girl.
-Oh, I don't know.

[man shrieks]

[grunting]

[Susan] Watch your back.

Oh, that was a close one, Fine.

-Who's the finest of them all?
-You are. [chuckles]

♪ Oh, Bradley, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey, Bradley! ♪

Oh, God, duck!

[groans]

Nice moves, Fine.
Pilates has been working out for you.

You noticed?

Yeah, you just seem looser.
Like, in your hips.

I mean, athletically speaking.

I don't know. I guess
you don't seem so awkward.

[mouths] Shut up!

-Going straight?
-No.

Go right up the stairs.

You're gonna find a little friend
on the first landing.

[man screams]

-Thanks for your help.
-You're clear to the top. Get moving.

[man] Oh, my God! The rats can fly!

Come on, you guys!

All right, Fine. Stop at the door.

You got a guard approaching.
I'll tell you when.

Wait for it, Fine. Three…

Two, one. Now!

Oh, dear, did I forget to knock?

[guests gasp]

[Susan] They're clawing
at my hair! I can't see!

What do you mean, you can't see me?

I'm good. You've got SUVs approaching.

Go to the dock!

Dock. Excellent idea.

Boyanov's boat is at the end.

[people screaming]

Uh… No keys, Coop.

Panel's under the steering wheel.

You can… you can hotwire it.

I can't get to the wires!

-Stay down and hold your ears!
-How will I hear your beautiful voice?

Stop being adorable and get down!

Lock on coordinates 43.16547…

27.94654…

And fire, now.

[Fine] Whoo! Ha-ha!

Close one!

Nice drone work, Coop!

-I could kiss you.
-Oh! [chuckles]

Well, I would… I would accept that
with an open mouth.

[laughs] Soon as I'm back,
dinner is on me.

Great work, Coop.

Oh. Hey, pick up my dry cleaning
for me, would you?

Also, get my car.

Oh, sure. No problem.

And I have to fire my gardener.

He keeps running over
the sprinkler heads with the mower.

Can you cut him loose for me?

Um… yeah. Oh, yeah, sure.

You kidding? I'd love it!

You're the best.

Smell you later, pal.

God. Poor Jaime.

[sighs] The thing is, Jaime, that…

Uh…

Oh! These your children?

-Your children, here?
-Yeah, I have children.

I just have to cover those eyes.

They're looking right at me. Um…

Please, don't fire me.

No. Jaime, I would never…

This is more of a review.

[humming]

Oh. Oh.

Jaime.

[singing in Spanish]

[in English] Yes.

[both vocalizing]

♪ The lawnmower ♪

[both continue vocalizing]

Right to that lawnmower.

[Jaime singing in Spanish]

[in English] You're a killer, Susan.

[suspenseful music playing]

♪ The heart is a hunter ♪

♪ And hard as a stone ♪

♪ Cold blood in the chamber ♪

♪ Bullets and bone ♪

♪ Into the night ♪

♪ You will fall ♪

♪ Where there's no wrong or right ♪

♪ Rough justice for all ♪

♪ Love is powering lust ♪

♪ You may find my smile deceitful ♪

♪ But after it all ♪

♪ Who else can you trust? ♪

♪ Who else can you trust? ♪

[Fine and waiter speaking French]

Ah!

[in English] Oh. These look delicious.

[Fine and waiter continue speaking French]

[in English] I don't wanna be critical,
but this is very chewy.

Coop. You're eating a hand towel.

[chuckles awkwardly]

[string quartet playing]

Just, uh, cleansing my palette. [chuckles]

Jeez. You had to take me to such a dump?

[both laugh]

Come on, cheapskate!

Burger King was booked up.

[loudly] Ha!

-[chuckles awkwardly] Sorry.
-Hey, I've been thinking.

Yeah.

I couldn't do what I do without you.

And I've been thinking
about doing something special for you…

So…

Good gravy, Fine.

Oh. That's…

It's a crazy cupcake!

[laughs obligingly]

-You love cakes.
-Wow.

That is wonderful.

Imagine how awkward it would've been
if it'd been a diamond ring.

Ooh… Not a diamond ring! No!

I would've had to say,
"I don't want to marry you!"

I don't want your muscly arms and hands

rubbing my back with Nivea
for the rest of my life.

And our three kids run in, you know…

Karen, Tommy and Billy…
And we'd say, "Get out of here!"

No, thank you.

I'll just, you know, I'll just…

Can you give me
a little jewelry I can actually wear?

Not gonna wear it?

Yes. Yeah. I was just saving it. I mean--

-Put it on!
-Look at that. Wow, that's a…

-That is an adjustable toggle.
-Adjustable toggle.

You don't see that with a lot of jewelry.

-It's so you.
-Is it?

Wow, perfect. [laughs]

Seriously, I couldn't do
what I do without you,

in my earpiece.

I could never do what you do.

Can you imagine me as a spy?

[chuckling] Oh, my God.

-Out in the field.
-Yeah.

-With a gun!
-What?

They would never let me be a spy.
I can't even dress like a spy.

Look at you and your tailored…

Everything is cut right.

And my… it's like a lumpy
pumpkin sack dress.

-Oh, come…
-It doesn't even have a label. It doesn't.

-I think my mom made it.
-No, stop.

I should get on my knees
and start scooping.

Good God. Go easy on yourself.

Okay.

-We're a perfect team. That's why we work.
-Yeah.

Come here.

Come here. Close.

[silverware clattering]

I think you're getting pinkeye.

What? No.

-Right there.
-No, that's not…

Did you wipe your eye
after you cleaned out the cat box?

I don't have cats.

-Why did I think that?
-I don't… I don't know.

You should get some. They're good company.

[Elaine] We've intercepted chatter

that the weapon's being offered
to the highest bidder.

Someone other than Boyanov
knows where that nuke is.

It's probably his daughter, Rayna.
She's the only person he's trusted.

Jesus, Cooper, do you have pinkeye?

Go home. You're going to infect everybody.

Told you.

No, it's not pinkeye, ma'am.

It's just… I'm having
a bit of an allergic reaction.

Well, I'm allergic to disgusting
childhood illnesses, so stay away from me.

-Sorry.
-Anyway, you're right.

After Boyanov's death,

Rayna went to a safety deposit box
at a DSK bank in Varna.

The chatter picked up later that night.

-What do we know about her?
-I can pull up her file.

Oh, that's stuck.

It's just a little warm in here.

-Pull up my file…
-Jesus! Not my keyboard

with your pinkeye-infected fingers!

Why don't you cry directly
into my mouth while you're at it?

It really is just an allergic reaction…

Sit down. I'll do it.

-I'm gonna go sit down.
-[Elaine] Rayna Boyanov.

Majored in international law at Oxford.
Top of her class.

Been living in London
for the past 10 years.

We know she has been communicating

with the heads
of several terrorist organizations.

Most ominously…

Solsa Dudaev, the al-Qaeda-funded leader
of the Chechen Martyrs' Brigade.

We have evidence
that he has the machinery in place

to get that nuke to New York in time
for next week's UN General Assembly.

I'm already packed.

Our source was told she has
taken up residence outside of Sofia.

Go get her.

Grab my things, Coop.

Jesus, Cooper, go put on
some sunglasses or something.

I feel like you're a Gypsy,
cursing me with it.

Yep, I'm on it.

[Susan] God. My life is a disaster.

No, it's not.

I'm 40, I live by myself…

I haven't been in a real relationship
since Jerry left me three years ago.

Well, Jerry was a jackass.

When I gave up teaching to join the CIA,
I thought it was gonna be different,

that I was gonna be this amazing spy.

I'm the same boring person I was before.

For what it's worth,
I think you're brilliant as you are.

You're exciting. And do you know what?

You play it too safe.

Ah, maybe you're right.

I just… I still, you know,
hear my mom's voice…

"Well-behaved women often make history."

Yes, you do know the phrase is,
"Well-behaved women seldom make history"?

Yeah. That's never how she said it.

What were her others? Um…

"Just blend in." "Let somebody else win."

-Classic.
-I got that a lot in high school.

And there was, "Give up
on your dream, Susan."

She used to write that in my lunchbox.

Oh… I mean, look, okay?

What's really so different
between us and Karen Walker?

I think literally everything.

No, because you were
just as good as her at the Academy.

She's had more successful
missions than even Fine.

Oh, she's the worst.

Look at her. She thinks
she's so perfect, doesn't she?

"Hi, I'm Karen Walker,
super spy." [giggles]

Perfect hair. Perfect face. Probably cries
herself to sleep every night.

-I don't think she does.
-Probably does.

And not, like, sort of cute, little tears.

Like, really sort of silent, kind of big.

-[sobbing]
-I don't think that's what…

Like a sort of upside-down kidney bean.

[sobs] "This is what I look like
when I'm asleep."

Shut up, be quiet.

She won't know who we are.
She's so full of herself.

Hi. Hey, Nancy. Hi, Susan.

[both] Hi!

Look at you two cuties
sitting here being all cute.

-Aw!
-[chuckles]

[Susan] Oh, you.

Can I have an Old Fashioned, please?

The service is really slow.

-Super slow.
-Good luck getting that in the next hour.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

-Oh.
-Wow.

Alan and I go way back.
I come here all the time.

So do we. Right, Alan?

Hey, Alan. Alan!

Big A, Big A!

Whoo-hoo! Al! We got a whole…

Miss Walker, are these two bothering you?

-No, thank you. They're fine.
-Okay.

[Susan] Alan!

He's the sweetest.

-He pretends not to know.
-[Nancy] He's funny.

-[Susan] It's a game.
-Well, anyway, I'm taking some time off.

I'll see you guys when I get back.

-Oh.
-Where are you going?

Capri.

-Capri.
-Capri.

I wish I could just
stick around here, you know,

curl up with a good book.

But I have a yacht
full of friends waiting for me.

-Wow.
-Anyhoo…

I'll see you guys when I get back,
all freckled and tan.

We're gonna see you.

-Bye.
-Bye!

[blowing raspberry]

Oh, sorry.

Susan is ill.

It's her stomach.

Oh, my God. Thank you for that.

-Why would you do that?
-I panicked.

What a great moment.

-Just look at her.
-[Nancy] I know. That dress.

Look at that confidence.

You're not even allowed to smoke in here.

I'm gonna go home.

-No, come on.
-Yes.

Susan.

Feel better.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Fine, you good?

[Fine] Okay, Coop. Just pulling up.

Susan, you're killing it.

Oh, good. It's the chicory.

-Ah.
-Yeah.

Any sign of her in the house?

Heat sensors aren't picking anything up.

There's some kind of interference.
I don't like this, Fine.

I'm up for the challenge.
[cocks gun] Let's go in.

[Susan sighs]

There's something wrong with your camera.

-Switch it out for a new one.
-[Fine] Too late.

[Susan groans]

[Fine] No security. [scoffs]

Her father would never have
left himself this exposed.

Pull back, Fine. This is too easy.

I like things that are easy.

[neck cracking]

Oh, my God, Fine!
I don't know how you do things like that.

Hey.

Who's the finest of them all?

I don't know.

I'm guessing you?

-Drop your weapon.
-[gun clatters]

Fine, what's happening?

Let me guess. Whoever is in your ear
wants to know what's happening?

[softly] He's about to die.

That's what.

[gun clicking]

An awfully big gun for such a little girl.

Oh, God, don't say stuff like that.

There's a knife rack
directly to your right.

The way she's holding the gun,
she's not experienced.

If you duck and lunge,
you can get the knife and disarm her.

Did someone just suggest
that you grab one of those knives?

No, no, no! No!

Damn it!

Fine!

Can they see me right now?

Let me adjust the angle a little bit.

-[gunshot]
-[gasps]

[Susan] Oh, my God, Fine.

His name was Bradley Fine.
He worked for the CIA.

Other top agents include

Matthew Wright, Timothy Cress,

Rick Ford and Karen Walker.

Come on, Fine. Come on.

I know who all your active agents are.

So, unless you'd like
the body count to grow,

I suggest you stay far away from me.

Now grab some tissues,

because shit's about to get real sad.

-[Fine] No, no--
-[gunshot]

Oh, my God, Fine.

As Deputy Director,

I have never had a more difficult duty

than to bid farewell
to colleagues taken from us.

From Dover, to the family services,

to memorials like these,

it's tough to say goodbye.

There's nothing
you could have done, Susan.

[Elaine] Bradley Fine was more
than just a coworker and a friend.

He was part of our family.

And as family,
even knowing that the universe

has a plan for each human life,

it's hard to accept the sudden loss
of such a good and decent person.

[Susan, on tape]
There's a knife rack to your right.

Susan, I got your assessment
report on Rayna Boyanov.

I know you're feeling a lot
of emotion right now,

but please refrain
from using the term "thundercunt."

Oh, my God. I didn't realize I wrote that.

I'm sorry.

Nancy, I'm sending you a photo.
It's in pretty bad shape.

-Can you enhance it?
-Mmm-hmm.

[keyboard clacking]

Paris?

How the fuck did this twat
find out our fucking names?

We don't know.

And dial it way back
with the "T" word, Ford.

-You're not immune from HR.
-Grow up.

And "twat" means something
different in England.

Here it means a vagina.

Anyway, obviously
we're talking about a mole.

Could be a mole,
they could've hacked our system.

It's anyone's guess.

The bottom line is
Rayna Boyanov is about to sell

a small-scale tactical nuclear weapon
to a terrorist organization,

and we don't know
where she or the bomb is.

Fortunately, our analyst
Susan Cooper found a lead.

Rayna had the number of Sergio De Luca,
and we've long suspected De Luca

of working as an intermediary
with terrorist groups.

Rayna may be using him
to find buyers for the nuke.

The number was to an office
he keeps in Paris.

I told you to send me in there
instead of Fine, and you didn't.

And now Fine is dead.
I'm going the fuck in.

You can't. We need someone to follow
De Luca without being detected,

and that will hopefully take us to Rayna,
but it can't be any of you.

Here's what we do…

I go into the Face-Off machine,
get a whole new face.

-I turn up, they never know it's me.
-Do you have quarters? It costs 50 cents.

What, I gotta pay?

No, because it doesn't exist.

Yes, it does!

I heard Cress and Wright
talking about it in the shitter.

[snorting]

I'm sure they were pulling your leg.

You pair of fucking vaginas.

Seriously, you've got to cut that out.

Jesus. Look, one of us has to go in.

Doesn't matter if we've been exposed.

We've all gone deep before,
and we've always gotten our guy.

Guys, this is more
than just a kill mission.

We can get Rayna, De Luca,
and some top terrorist leadership

and get the weapon back
if we do this right.

We just need someone who can shadow them
without attracting attention.

-We need someone invisible.
-I'll do it.

Okay, thanks, lunch lady.

I'm serious.

I have never been out in the field.

Exactly. Stupid fucking idea.

My point is that it's highly doubtful
that I've ever been exposed.

But you worked with Fine.
They may have a record of you too.

Possibly. But the odds of them
knowing my face are very low.

Miss Crocker, I would
really like to do this.

For Fine.

You're not seriously
considering this, are you?

If you think I'm gonna sit by

and let you send in a fucking secretary
to do my work,

you might as well accept
my resignation now.

If I can jump in,

I am technically, uh,
classified as an agent.

Look…

[Susan] Full agent. So…

Agent, agent, agent, I'm an agent.

Are you considering this?

For your safety,
and the safety of those around this table,

I am considering it.

Then consider this, I quit.

And I know there's
a fucking Face-Off machine.

You're just keeping it secret from me.

Okay. That hasn't happened before.

[door closes]

It is quite a lovely office.

What's your deal, Cooper?

What do you mean?

You got a fiery side?

I really did, in that report,
mean to write "cunning."

I've been going over your files.

You were top of your class at the Academy,
in all computer and support skills.

No surprise there.

But you have a certain
tame demeanor around the office,

that says you've never even held a gun.

So imagine my surprise

when I saw footage
from this drill back at the Farm.

[gunshots]

[Susan] Is that… I can't even…

-Is that me? I can't really…
-[gun clicking]

[Susan, on computer] Stupid gun!

Somebody definitely sped this up.

Ooh! Camera angle and stuff make…

[Susan yelling]

Cooper, stop! Jesus Christ, what are you…

Ouch.

Out of context, that's… you know…

I must have watched this 15 times now,
because what the fuck?

I almost put it up on YouTube.

I was, to say the least,
uncomfortable with the event.

But it was over ten years ago.
The instructor was not harmed.

Fine was your mentor, right?

Yes.

Why did you not become a field agent?

Well, we're such
a great fit and a great team.

Fine made some great points.

Maybe I match better with,
uh, just staying--

-In his ear.
-Well…

He sniped you. All the top agents
did that before I got here.

I really thought
he made some great points.

Women.

Have you had
any field training since then?

-Ten years is a long time.
-No, ma'am.

Normally, I would send you
back to the Farm, but there's no time,

and I can't take a chance
of anyone leaking your name.

[laughing] Am I going?

-You're going.
-Okay. Jeez. Sorry.

But it's a track and report mission only.

Got it.

We'll be giving you a new identity.
You'll no longer be Susan Cooper.

-I had a few ideas for that.
-Your new name--

I was just spitballing and I thought…

Seraphina, Maddox, Gisele…

Carol Jenkins.

Carol Jenkins.

You know, if I may, ma'am,

there was a 13-year-old girl named Carol,

that used to kind of take me
around the neighborhood,

and use my braid as a dog leash,

and make me beg for biscuits, so--

Carol Jenkins.

Yes. Carol Jenkins, huh?

Carol Jenkins is a single mother of four,

temporarily relocated from Delaware
to increase sales for a software company.

Okay, that is, that is

a different occup-- [gasps]

-Is there a problem?
-No.

I was just wondering if this was
my family, or if I had taken hostages.

I'm just not sure how De Luca is gonna
take me seriously if I look like this.

De Luca is not going to take you anything.
In case you did not hear me,

you are not to make direct contact
with any of the targets.

Track and report.

We're setting you up
in a surveillance office

across the street from De Luca's.

You'll be tapped into the telecom trunk,

and have access to voice
and data coming into his office,

and that is as sexy as it gets.

One mistake, and we've got a nuclear bomb
in the hands of terrorists.

-Do you understand?
-Yes.

Patrick's got special equipment for you.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Did you come up with your spy name yet?

Mine would be "Amber Valentine."

That sounds like
you're an adult film star.

No, I did the spy name formula.

"Amber" was the name of my first pet,
and I grew up on Valentine Street.

That's how you come up
with your porn name.

-I thought it was your spy name!
-No!

What would yours be?

"Meatball Martin Luther King Jr.
Boulevard."

-Yeah.
-Wow.

Oh, my God.

-This is so exciting!
-[laughs]

You're a spy!

I know! I know!

Oh, my God! You're gonna get one of those!

[Susan] No, I'm not!

Look at that!

[Nancy] That looks high-tech.

It's like the future.

-Patrick.
-Susan.

-Hey, Patrick.
-Yes.

I was given specific
instructions by Elaine

to tailor these gadgets to you.

[Nancy] Look at that watch.

-These are not yours.
-Oh.

Is that a rape whistle?

Elaine wanted you
to only be carrying items

a single woman travelling
through Europe would have.

-But she could get that at any pharmacy.
-Not this whistle.

When you blow through this whistle,
a small, poisonous dart flies out,

neutralizing your target.

Also, it needs
your fingerprints on it to work.

-That is really neat!
-Stop it, that's amazing.

-That is really super cool!
-I love that!

This anti-fungal spray
can freeze and disable

any security system.

Wow. That is quite an image
to be carrying all over Europe.

It's also a pepper spray.

Why not just make it
look like pepper spray?

That's a pretty good idea.
All right, well, next time.

Well, I can wait,
if you want to print up a new label.

No, I'd have to turn the printer on again.

I don't really want to.

Each of these are filled with chloroform.

Wow, that is an unsettling
amount of hemorrhoid wipes.

Makes me kind of wonder,

what, exactly, is going on back there.

-Wouldn't know. I don't have that problem.
-I don't have that problem.

If you ever feel like
you have been poisoned,

chew one of these.

Have I done something to you to upset you?

Because this is a peculiar theme.

Finally, every agent
gets a night vision scope

hidden in their watch.

I have heard about this.
I've been looking--

-Oh.
-[Nancy] Who's that?

That is Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey.

-From Beaches.
-Mmm-hmm.

How much am I supposed to like Beaches?

I would imagine a lot,
if you have the watch.

-Pat, I'm flying!
-[Patrick] Anthony!

Don't wear out the battery on that.

Am I getting that?

No, you're not gonna get that.

I've already packed your bags.
Hurry up and get dressed.

Carol Jenkins has to get
to the airport immediately.

And may I say, it's very brave of you
to sacrifice your life for your country.

Oh, I'm not sacrifi… I'm coming back.

Let's see.

[sexy pop music playing]

You look amazing, Susan.

I look like someone's homophobic aunt.

[soft music playing]

[Susan] Wow.

Hotel Modiere, please.

[gasps]

This is so exciting.

Ooh.

The Louvre.

Wow.

Oh, that's a beautiful hotel.

Not that one?

I hope it's that. Is it that one?

Nope. Oh… Maybe next time.

I think we're getting
into a little dicier of an area.

Oh! That's a little unsavory.

I think we can probably go back towards

my hotel.

No, no, no.

No, this…

I don't believe this could be
the Hotel Modiere. I mean…

This is. Yes, it is.

-[glass shattering]
-[siren wailing]

[woman yelling]

[dog barking]

[woman sobbing]

[man laughing maniacally]

[whimpering]

Oh, man.

Keep it together, Susan, okay?

-Nancy?
-[gasps]

-Please tell me you can hear me.
-I'm here. I've got you.

Okay.

You'll be pleased to hear
the bats have gone. We are vermin free.

Did you get your gun, Carol?

Yes, and don't call me that.

Oh, my God. Cripey.
I think I'm having a heart attack.

I can't do this, Nancy.
Fine was the real spy, not me!

Don't worry.
I'm here for you, okay? It'll be fine.

I'm gonna talk you
through this, all right?

Put your camera in.
I want to see your room.

No, you don't. It's that bad.

"Martha Stewart had
a breakdown" kind of feel.

[Nancy] Oh. Wow.

Looks like they put you up
in The Shitz-Carlton.

Try and get some sleep. We'll get started
first thing in the morning.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
when I see Rayna.

I want her dead for what she did to Fine.

Okay. Deep breaths.

Listen to me.
You're not gonna get anywhere near her

so there's nothing to worry about.

Guys,

there's a mouse on my tits.

I think you're safer there.

-All right. Good night.
-Night.

[exclaims]

You got this, Susan. Okay.

You're a warrior.

You're a weapon. Okay?

This is no sweat.

-[Ford] Looks like you're sweating.
-Jesus!

What are you doing in my room?

What, how did I get into
this shit-box hotel room?

Because I'm a real spy.

I thought you quit.

We have to stop the sale
of a nuclear bomb,

and they send in someone
who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife.

Uh, did you forget? I am undercover,
because you're not supposed to be here.

I make a habit of doing things
that people say I can't do.

Walk through fire,

water-ski blindfolded,

take up piano at a late age,

and I'm gonna take down De Luca,
and Rayna, and Dudaev.

I'm gonna get that bomb back.

Why do you even care what I do?

You really think
you're ready for the field?

I once used defibrillators on myself.

I've pulled shards of glass
out of my fucking eye.

I've jumped from a high-rise building,

using only a raincoat as a parachute,

and broke both legs upon landing.

And I still had to pretend

I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show!

I've swallowed enough microchips
and shit them back out again,

to make a computer.

This arm has been ripped off completely
and reattached with this fucking arm.

I don't know that that's possible.

I mean, medically.

During the threat
of an assassination attempt,

I appeared, convincingly,
in front of Congress,

as Barack Obama.

In blackface?

That's not appropriate.

I watched the woman I love
get tossed from a plane,

and hit by another plane, midair.

I drove a car off a freeway,

on top of a train,

while I was on fire.

Not the car.

I was on fire.

Jesus, you're intense.

I took this from your minibar.

Well, that's not right.

[clattering]

You're gonna ruin this mission.

No, you're gonna ruin this mission!

[Ford] No.

You are.

No, you're going to!

You, times infinity.

[Susan] Aw…

Could this hotel be more murder-y?

-[yelling in distance]
-[objects clattering]

Okay, so my office is in here,

which means that De Luca
is right across the street at 39--

Oh, God. Tell me
that's not De Luca's building?

De Luca must have known we were coming.

What am I supposed to do now?

[Nancy] Okay, don't panic.

Lemonade out of lemons.
Stay focused. We can do this.

[in French] Excuse me, please.

[in French] Yes?

When was that fire?

Last night. Quite a blaze.

Look. Here it is.

May I?

Go ahead, go ahead.

Does that man live on this street?

No, I do not know him.

[in English] Got it. I'll run it through
the system. It'll take a few minutes.

[Nancy] Nothing's coming up.
Might just be a looky-loo.

Well, keep looking.
I've got a feeling about this guy.

[Ford] I've got a feeling
you're about to fuck things up.

[groans]

Oh, bugger me with a fish pole. It's Ford.

Sharon, Ford's in the field.
Did you know this?

Until he checks in,
there's nothing I can do.

You go make some friends
and stop stalking me!

Was it your mission to tip off the target

so he burns everything in advance?

If so, well done. Phenomenal job.

They got suspicious because
they've been seeing you everywhere!

-You're gonna get killed.
-Nothing kills me.

I'm immune to 179
different types of poison.

I know, because
I ingested them all at once,

when I was deep undercover

in an underground,
poison-ingesting crime ring.

-Wow.
-It was like dog fighting.

But instead of dogs fighting,
it was humans ingesting poison,

and rich people would bet
whether we would live or die.

Yeah, I'm having
a hard time with this one.

I died for five minutes,
then I came back to life.

What's he wear…
He looks like he's in the cast of Newsies.

Does Crocker even know you're here?

I don't need anyone's permission
to save the country

and avenge my dear friend
Bradley Fine's death.

You didn't even like him.
You used to call him "Beverly Whine"!

You had him as Secret Santa
and you gave him tampons!

It's called the rivalry of men.
You wouldn't understand.

Unless you've got a dong up
underneath that skirt.

That is super rude, and don't say "dong,"
and don't do that!

Nobody sees me when I don't want them to.

I move like a fucking shadow.

-[objects clatter]
-[speaking French]

He's gone all sorts of rogue.

Sharon says he quit.
Elaine couldn't stop him.

He's out for blood.

Yeah, real tough guy
in his Louis Vuitton backpack.

[mouthing] Man on the move.

Nancy, do you see that?

It's the man from the fire.

I'm following him.

Oh. Exciting!

I'm following you, following him,
so I'm having quite a day here.

Do you think Ford's
leading him into a trap?

Idiot doesn't even know
he's being followed.

[imperceptible]

He's meeting with some woman.

I don't recognize her.
You have any idea who she is?

No, it's hard to make out.
Can you get any closer?

Nancy, our guy just switched out
Ford's backpack. It's a setup.

Uh…

I gotta go warn him!
[shouting] Ford! Ford!

Look out! I gotta get through!

I left my baby in the shop!

Get out of the way!
Let me through, I'm sick!

Susan, tell them you've shat your pants.
That'd get me out of your way, for sure.

I've shat my pants!

Excuse me. Ford!

He's got a friend.

Hello, everybody!

[speaking German]

[dance music playing]

[singing in German]

Ford!

Ford! Ford!

I need the mic!

No! I need… No!

No!

No, no, no, no!

Susan, you're meant to be blending in.
What are you doing?

God! Move!

[auto-tuned voice] Rick Ford!

-Give me the mic!
-[singer yelling]

How are you doing this in heels?

Oh, God.

[singer yelps]

Rick Ford!

They switched the bag!

Oh, fuck.

[shouting] Get out
of the fucking way! Move!

Get out of his way!

[Ford] Move!

♪ I want to see ♪

[people yelling]

Oh, no.

Nancy, I'm in pursuit
of one of the terrorists!

He took my picture!
He's gonna blow my cover!

[Nancy] You're in pursuit?

What in God's name
are you gonna do if you catch him?

Knock him out with a hemorrhoid wipe.
I don't know!

I'm just gonna track him
and report his location.

This all seems very Rick Ford-y to me.

I do not condone these sexy
but reckless actions of yours, Susan!

[panting] Oh, God.
He went into a building.

Okay.

Well, well done. That's it.
Time to call it a day now.

Location is officially noted.

-I'm following him in.
-What?

I'm doing this for Fine. [cocks gun]

[exhales]

[softly] He's at the top of the stairs.

Oh, gosh, please be careful.

You are incredibly out of your league.

This is like when
I watched myself in a sex tape.

A lot of floundering
and laughable moments.

Nancy, I need you
to not talk until I ask you to.

I'm sorry. I'm really nervous.

Be careful, Susan.

Okay.

[exhales slowly]

[grunting]

Oh, hey.

Imagine running into you up here.

I was just looking
for my bird. Just looking…

Hey, Mr. Beanbag! [whistles]

You like birds? All right. All right.

I'm gonna give you a warning.

I don't wanna see any more
of that funny bomb stuff, you know?

All right. That's enough.

Drop the knife, or I'll shoot.

I don't think you will.

You see, it works better
when you have the bullets inside the gun.

Oops.

I guess that CIA training
isn't what it used to be.

I guess you're right, asshole.

[groaning]

-[bones crack]
-[screams]

No, no, no!

Oh, God!

Oh, Susan, what did you do?

Oh, God, not on him.

Not on him!

[gasps]

[Elaine] Rayna's people
obviously knew Ford was in Paris.

And getting footage of a CIA operative
setting off a bomb in public

would be a PR coup
for any terrorist group.

Do we have anything on that woman he met?

Facial recognition isn't showing anything.

They were all over Ford.
Are you able to track him?

Goddamn Ford is still
off the grid in Paris.

I know because he keeps trying
to hack into our system for intel.

He's like a dog that gets loose

and keeps humping and shitting his way
through the neighborhood.

Would be a lot easier if--

Oh, my God!

Oh!

[Susan] Okay.

Ford's is bigger.

This is uncomfortable.

He's dead though, isn't he?
Aw. That's a waste.

-[Susan] Oh, God. A video.
-[camera clicks]

I can only imagine what this is.

[De Luca] Get everything on camera.

Base out of the hotel,
and go back there after the attack.

-I'll take Renaldo to Rome…
-"Renaldo."

Any record of anyone with that name?

-Not that I'm aware of.
-[De Luca] Nicola.

Are you listening to me?

[Nicola] I-I was just testing the camera.

Stop it! Find Ford!

Hey, Nancy, can you pull up
Fine's POV cam from Boyanov's office?

Look on the desk. There's photos there.

See if you find one of him
standing next to a car.

[keyboard clacking]

Renaldo is a Rolls-Royce.

Hack into the Rolls' tracking system.

That car is a Wraith,
so it has a satellite-aided transmission.

Then tap into Boyanov's feed.

His GPS should tell you exactly
where De Luca is in Rome now.

I'm gonna head to the airport.

Forget it, Cooper.
You're coming back immediately.

Ma'am, I really think I can do this.

And I'm not one to toot my own horn,
but you know what? I'm gonna toot,

and say that I just saved a lot of people.

We are so close to getting
Rayna and that bomb.

Pull back the rug in the corner.

Oh…

You'll be given a new identity.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, no!

Your name is Penny Morgan.
You're a divorced housewife from Iowa.

You've sold more Mary Kay products
than anyone else in your state

and you've traded in
the free car you've won

to fund a trip through Europe.

My hobbies are decoupage and needlepoint.

I collect porcelain dolls

and I'm the vice president
of the Ames Garden Club.

I couldn't even be president?

Maybe I should be married
to one of the dolls

just to make it extra sad.

Ten cats. Why do I have ten cats?

Is that even legal?

You know, Fine always got
to be a businessman.

One time, he was a race car driver.

Well, there's the ten cats.

Just missing a shirt that says
I've never felt the touch of a man.

Cooper, you're right.
You did good work back there.

That would have been a real mess.

Thank you, ma'am.

You still went with the cat lady.

It was already in the floor.

Ah.

[man wolf-whistling]

[speaking Italian]

[catcalling in Italian]

[in English] Great,
that's a real confidence builder.

Did you find De Luca?

[Nancy] He's been at the Majestic Hotel,
but he's just left, heading… South, okay?

I'll guide you to him.
I've sent an ally to drive you.

Elaine said nothing fancy,
so I've gone with earthy.

[horns honking]

Ooh. Whoa.

You wanna stop the car?

[shouts in Italian]

Hi.

[speaking Italian]

[speaking English] Hey!

-Ciao, bella.
-Oh.

-[in English] Welcome to Roma!
-Thank you.

Oh! Thank you.

Aagh!

I'm Aldo.

Like the shoe store
found in American malls.

[laughing]

I'm Penny, like the penny.

[laughs] Like a penny!

Or like penne alla vodka!

-Okay.
-[laughing]

Did you just grab my butt?

Yes.

Come. We need to get you to De Luca.

[pop music playing]

[tires screeching]

[Susan] Jiminy Christmas!

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

-Don't worry, I have you!
-Ah!

Aldo, slow down!

Nancy, are you sure
this guy is even an agent?

Absolutely. No, he's the best!

He's, he… Oh…

There have been
some complaints filed against him.

Watch the road, watch the road!

Watch the road! Oh, my God!

Watch the road!

Wow, Aldo is making great time.

[screaming]

A dead end!

This can't be right!

Oh, my God!

[Susan screams]

[horn blaring]

Ah! God!

Intriguing lady, we are here.

Now, you must go,

because I fear if I stare

into your beautiful green eyes
a moment longer,

I will fall in love.

Oh! Too late.

My God, does that ever work?

-I will take that as…
-That's a "no."

-A "no."
-Take that as a "no."

[whistles softly]

[flirting in Italian]

You were just hitting on me.

-I like to play the odds.
-Yeah.

Here is my phone number.

Memorize it, then burn it.

Do you have something for me?

Do I have something for you?

Would you like something from me?

Not that.

What do you want from me?

You're supposed to have
an envelope with my gun in it.

I don't have a gun.

I am just aroused from looking at you.

It was joke. There is no gun.

They said you would no longer
be needing one.

Good luck!

Ciao!

Good gravy. Was Pepé Le Pew not available?

[Nancy] Stop complaining.

You're getting more action
than I have had in days.

Months.

Years, 3 years and 40 days.

Do we have an update on De Luca?

Yes, he should be pulling up
right about now.

[exhales]

Oh, wow. He is hot.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I can't be objective anymore.

I'm rooting for that guy.
I want him to win.

I'm joking, Susan. Don't report me.

Ew. He's handsy.

Let's set up camp
in the pastry shop behind you.

According to Aldo,
De Luca spends all night in the casino.

I'm going in, Nancy.

Susan, you heard Elaine.

Track and report. No contact!

I'll track De Luca inside,
then I'll report.

And if he initiates
contact with me, I'll just…

-I'll go with it.
-Susan!

Your "cat lady" look
is not gonna fit in in there.

That's why Penny is
gonna burn her cat T-shirt

and spend that Mary Kay money.

This is full-blown rogue!

♪ Yeah, I'm a diva ♪

♪ Chilling in the club
I don't need nobody ♪

♪ I'm doing my own thing ♪

♪ All I really want to do is party ♪

[man wolf-whistling]

[speaking Italian]

You guys are terrible!

I hope De Luca
is still in there, for your sake.

They're not gonna
reimburse you for all that.

You should've gone to cheaper stores.

Okay, I'm going offline, Nancy.

No, wait, wait, wait! Susan!

♪ I'm a diva ♪

♪ Doing my thing
I don't need nobody… ♪

Well, buongiorno, boys!

If I'm not out in 10 minutes,
it's because I won the place. Ha!

Let me just rub that for luck.

Oh, that's an oily… that's an oily scalp.

Enchantée.

I'm sorry, but I have to check you in.

Ah.

-Your name, please?
-Uh, Penny Morgan.

I don't see you on the list. I'm so sorry.

She's with me.

-Darling.
-[growls]

You're late. The way you look,

I'd say it was more
than worth the wait. Come.

-Let's get a drink.
-Ow. Ow.

Such a gentleman.

You look absolutely stunning
tonight here, darling.

What the fuck are you doing in here?

That's quite a tone change.
What are you doing in here?

You are completely
compromising me right now.

I'm compromising you? Hilarious.

You almost caused a scene
trying to get into this place.

What do you think I'm gonna do?
Run over there like, "I'm a crazy lady!"

"Where's the buffet?
I'm from the Midwest."

"Where's Blue Man Group?"

I am not an idiot, Ford. You are an idiot.

You shouldn't be here. De Luca is here
and I need to get close to him.

How you gonna do that?
How you gonna do that?

Are you gonna seduce him?
That your big fucking plan?

What if it is?
Why is that so hard to believe?

You look like a flute player
in a wedding band. That's fucking why!

I'm here to take De Luca out.

Ooh. Sounds romantic.
I hope you get lucky!

If I was trying to sound romantic,

you'd be lying on the floor,
soaking wet and breathless,

wondering what came over you.

But I'm not,
so get the fuck out of my way!

I need you to rein it in, buddy, okay?

If you take out De Luca, we don't have a
shot at Rayna. Take it down 5,000 notches!

That's how you get polonium-210
slipped into your drink,

and go 18 months in intensive care
for radiation poisoning,

go six months without eyesight,

while everybody
you've ever loved is gunned down!

Everybody that you love has been
gunned down, and just you survive?

Ever think that everybody you love
is not being killed,

but they're killing themselves,
because they can't stand to be around you?

This shit's the real deal, life and death.

This, the field,

is a lot different than sitting
behind your monitor, googling shit.

Stay away from me, Ford.
And do not let De Luca see you.

By the way, I can see your gun
sticking out of your back pocket.

Unless you're so extreme
that you've got a second dick

coming out of your hip!

Oh.

Konnichiwa.

-Ma'am, these seats are reserved.
-Yes.

Of course they are.

-Gonna have to ask you to wait outside.
-Yes, absolutely.

Nope, not a door?

I knew that. Of course it's not a door.

It probably happens all the time.

-It's never happened before.
-Okay.

-Ma'am.
-Yes.

Now, right here is okay.
No more exploring, please.

Okay. Lovely.

[man, softly] From Mr. De Luca.

-[earpiece beeping]
-Nancy?

Susan. Oh, my God! Hi!

I found her.

I found Rayna. She's with De Luca.

You did it!

Excellent tracking and reporting, madam.

Oh, my God.
Somebody just put something in her drink.

[Nancy] What is it? Is it poison?

I don't think it's a fiber supplement.

She killed Fine, Nance.

I could really enjoy just
watching her die right now.

She's the only one who knows
where the bomb is,

so Dudaev would never get his hands on it.

Oh, God, Susan. What are you gonna do?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hi, do you speak English?

Because I think somebody just
put a roofie in your cocktail.

Are you sure it wasn't you?

What? No!

-God, I would never!
-Could you point the man out?

Uh, well, he just kind of
zipped out that door.

He's wearing a purple bowtie.

[imperceptible]

Thank you, Miss…

Oh. Penny. Morgan.

Um, but it's no trouble, really.

I think us ladies
have to watch out for each other.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

People often try to roofie you?

Once, I asked someone for a Tylenol,
and they gave me a Tylenol PM.

I'm not sure what
their intentions were, but…

It seems they may have found him.
Would you come with me to identify him?

Yes. Of course. I'm happy to help.

[softly] Holy shit.

My friend here said she saw you
put something in my drink.

I don't know any of you people. Okay?
I'm just in Rome on business.

I was about to head back
to my hotel and go to sleep.

Perfect. Just in time for a nightcap.
Apparently, there's nothing wrong with it.

I don't want your drink.

[imperceptible]

Fuck you, Rayna.

Mmm. Scrumptious.

So, joke's on you.

[gasping]

[choking] Fuck you!

[faintly] Fuck you!

[gurgling]

[grunting]

[exhales] How long was I out?

Just long enough for us to laugh at you.

-What happened?
-It was all a dream.

I'm just kidding.
A man's throat dissolved.

Sorry, I'm not usually, you know…

Oh, thank you.

That's… surprisingly polite.

Sorry about that.

I've seen a lot of things
in my day. I just haven't…

I have never seen that, exactly.

Penny, do you feel the need
to tell anybody about what you just saw?

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

That asshole got what he deserved.

I mean, I knew from the second
I saw him, I thought,

"That guy doesn't deserve a throat."

So, good on you.

I would like to take you
to dinner to say thank you.

And we must discuss this hideous dress.

It's just hysterical.

[chuckles] Oh, good,
that's what I was hoping for.

And by the way… Hristo was supposed
to be looking after me at the bar

and making sure nobody
put anything in my drinks.

[sighs]

They'll give him a talking-to.

Seems fair. Maybe dock him a day's wage.

-[gunshot]
-Or shoot him in the head.

That always works.

Rome is quite amaz--

-Rome is the worst.
-Yes.

So boring and tacky.

I'm so glad one of us
finally said it. [laughs]

You have lipstick on your teeth.

Really?

Looks like you ate a box of crayons.

Damn it.

Here we are.

These should've been
brought out when we sat down.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

So far, I'm riddled with
disappointment at the service.

So sorry. I know, signora. I apologize.

[scoffs]

I once saw someone eat

one of… these before.

This is… strange.

Do you always tear your food up into
little pieces? You look like a squirrel.

I was just checking for the consistency.

Mmm.

You eat like a baby.

Thank you.

So, do you like
to have a look at the wine list?

Yes. Penny, you can order.

Okay. Oh!

Has some heft.

Okay. I'm feeling… I'm feeling a red.

Kind of a red. I like a lot of noise.

I like a little bit of…

kind of a barky finish.

I tend to like a white
with the grit of a hummus

that's, of course, been thinned out.

Okay, here.

I will have the Sapori e Delizie.

Right.

That is the name of this restaurant.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

So, why don't you surprise us
with something that we don't know?

Like a delicious bottle of wine.

Right. Sorry, I will be back
in five minutes, okay?

So hard to get good help these days.

Don't you find that?

When I was a little girl
growing up in Bulgaria,

which is the worst, by the way.

Poor people everywhere
and cabbages constantly cooking.

There was this woman
who was kicked out of her house,

and she lost all her money.

She couldn't even sell her body.
So she became a clown on the streets.

She would perform
all her tricks standing in mud,

and just cry and cry.

You remind me of this woman.

Oh. Thank you.

Come on. We're going to Budapest.

-Budapest?
-I have some business there.

And you can take
my private jet when we're done,

anywhere you want, to get home.

My way of repaying you for saving my life.

Okay.

[laughing]

Is there a problem?

No. Not at all. Let's go.

Hey! Wait, what?

I'm just talking to the girl!

Okay, okay. Let's not make a scene.

Let me just get my room key out,
and I'll grab a bag and pack my things.

It's Susan. She's sending a code.

[Rayna] They'll fly you back.

"Shut…"

-If all your clothes look like that dress…
-"…down…"

-I can send someone to burn them for you.
-Ha-ha.

-"…the power."
-Quite a zinger!

Shut down the power
to the Casino Di Rome. What?

Shut the entire bloody
grid down, then! Now!

That would be great.

[grunting]

[man] Everybody, please,
remain calm and stay where you are.

[grunts]

Oh, no! What's happening?

[Rayna screams]

[mouthing] I've got this.

What the fuck just happened?!

God damn it.

Oh, my God! Rayna.

Thank God your hair broke your fall.
I don't know what happened.

The lights were out,
I don't know if it's a robbery.

Two of your guys slammed
into me and took you down.

I think one of them touched my bottom.

Are they gonna be okay?

I wouldn't worry about them.
Their fate has just been sealed.

Sorry. Oh, I'll let you go.

I'll let you go.

Shame on you!

Wow.

This is a really jazzy plane.

Is this yours?

It was my father's.

You've never been on a private jet before?

Oh, no.

I did get upgraded
to premium economy once,

which was pretty plush.

Premium economy.

Sounds like a pen for dirty animals.

Yeah, probably.

But it was not quite like this.

Thank you.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Can't just be because I remind you
of some sad Bulgarian clown.

You remind me of my mother.

Oh.

Really? You know that…

I mean, you and I are…
you and I are pretty close in age.

You're funny.
It's the Bulgarian clown in you.

-Okay.
-She was marvelous.

But she was different.

-Eccentric, like you are.
-Oh.

The moment I saw you standing there
in that awful dress…

-Ah… Come on.
-It was as if to say…

"This is what I've got, world.
It's hideous, but it's mine."

-This was her.
-[gasps]

Oh, wow.

Hey, how'd you get that picture of me?
I look amazing.

Hello, doppelganger.

She was the only person
I could ever trust.

Well, here's to your mom.

To my mother. And to you.

And here's to you.

You may never be as wise as an owl,

but you'll always be a hoot to me.

What a stupid fucking retarded toast.

-You're delightful.
-As are you.

Mmm.

Now, where did you say
we were headed? [voice distorts]

[clears throat]

[voice distorting] Headed?

Did you say where?

Oh, God.

[Patrick] If you feel like
you've been poisoned, chew one of these.

Chew one of these.

What happened?

I've never seen somebody
dive for stool softener before.

That's one thing that happened.

What did you do?

Did you drug me?

Of course I did.

I told you, I can't trust anybody.
I had to look through your things.

Anyway, tell me,
are your hemorrhoids particularly large,

or just tenacious?

Stop texting!

I'm not texting, if you must know.

I'm playing Candy Crush,
and I just made level 95.

God, that is so rude!

[gunshot]

Colin, what the fuck are you doing?

I'm sorry, Rayna,
but there's been a change of plans.

Who paid you off, Colin?

Colin hasn't worked here for,
like, eight months. I'm Fredrick.

You're doing this
because I don't remember your name?

There's some people
who really want what you're selling.

You don't have to do this.

I can give you a very
comfortable life, Col--

-Um…
-You forgot my name again, didn't you?

-No. No, I didn't.
-Yeah.

It's… Hmm.

Don't say fucking Colin.

Fuck! I don't give a shit
what your name is.

You're the fucking help!

Nice try, Colin,
but Stan and I already sold it to--

It's Fredrick!

Fredrick!

Sorry, lady, but they only
paid me for one--

Ow! Ow!

[screams] Come on!

Rayna! Go to the cockpit and level us out!

Like I know how to fly a fucking airplane!

That was weird.

Ah!

Blow that thing all you want, lady.

Yeah? Why don't you blow me, Colin.

[exclaims] It's Fredrick.

Ah!

[alarms beeping]

[whimpering]

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I got it. I know what to do.

-Oh! Are you okay?
-No!

I've got a dead man's head up my ass.

This one's for Fine.

Downdraft!

Not again!

Do you have any idea
what you're fucking doing?

[groans]

The controls are so sensitive.

-[farting]
-Oh, God.

One of these dead fuckers
just shit his pants.

[Susan] Okay, wait a minute.

I got it.

I think I got… Okay. Okay.

Oh!

Good thing I learned to use
that flight simulator app, huh?

[Rayna] Congratulations, Penny Morgan.

You just blew your cover.

Now put the plane on autopilot and get up.

Any bullshit,
and I'll blow your CIA brains

all over that control panel.

I know what you're thinking.

And you're wrong.

My real name is…

-Did you come up with your spy name?
-No.

Mine would be…

Amber Valentine.

What are you, a porn star?

You're fucking hilarious, huh?

I'm a private bodyguard,
and your father hired me to protect you.

Bodyguard? You? Please.

That's funny,
'cause the way I see it, without me,

you would currently be
crashed in the Alps right now.

Or you'd be laying in a morgue
with a hole burned in your throat.

You little spoiled piece of shit.

Why would my father hire
somebody like you?

Because he trusted me.

And for whatever fucking reason,
he loved you.

Didn't even want you to know
I was watching you.

So he was the one that made me come up

with this whole loser
Penny Morgan bullshit.

Yeah, "You look just like my dead mama."

"Wah."

And fuck you for saying
I look anything like that fucking beast.

No wonder your father
never had the son he wanted.

You fuck that monster once,

and you just drop
the fucking mic and walk out.

Fuck you. Everything you've said is a lie.

Oh.

What happened?
Did I hit a little sore spot?

Yeah, he always wanted a son,
and you knew it.

Look, he wanted you
to take over the business.

He was just afraid you were
gonna get yourself killed.

So if you wanna live,
and you wanna unload that bomb,

you stick with me.

And if you got a problem with that,

you know what you can do, Rayna?

You and your bullshit accent

can land this fucking plane by yourselves.

Okay, bodyguard.

But if I find out
you're lying to me about any of this,

I'll show you ways to die
you never even dreamed of.

Now, let's go to Budapest.
I need a fucking drink.

Yeah, I bet you fucking do.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

♪ People want my power
And they want my station ♪

♪ Stormed my winter palace
But they couldn't take it ♪

♪ Try to pull my status
But they couldn't fake it… ♪

Welcome back to the Four Seasons Budapest.

Don't talk to me. You're not my friend.
Get away from me.

Move. Move! I got it.

So, what's the plan? Who are we meeting?

You're my bodyguard,
not my business partner,

so just focus on guarding my body.

So not knowing who we're meeting tonight
is gonna make me extra effective.

That's okay.
I got shit to do. You'll be fine.

Why don't I go get you
a nice dress to be buried in? Dumbass.

I'm meeting a potential bidder,
if you must know.

If they don't top the current offer,
the sale will happen tomorrow.

-Where?
-I don't know yet.

Anton!

Ouch!

Anton is part of my security team, psycho!

Yeah, well, guess what?
I don't like his face.

I don't like your face!

And who the fuck are you?

I'm the person that's gonna
cut your dick off

and glue it to your forehead,
so you look like a limp-dick unicorn.

That's who the fuck I am.

Your name should be "Mr. Bag o' Dicks."
Not "Anton."

Okay. Jesus. Let's just calm down, okay?

-Does he not look like a bag o' dicks?
-Enough.

I can see why my father liked you now.

Amber is my hired bodyguard.

Be more like her.

[Susan] And your head
better not have broken my fucking phone.

We've got a big night ahead of us.

Don't be afraid
to clean yourself up, Amber.

Take a shower is what I'm saying.

Don't be afraid to hit water yourself.

You smell like a hooker
that washed up on the beach,

then roasted in the sun
before anybody found her body.

Okay. You need to take it way down.

I'm sorry, that's too much. Too much.

-Jeez!
-Too much.

God.

What are you staring at?

-Give me your fucking coat.
-This is a man's coat.

Yeah, but I don't see a man, do I?
I see a reject from The Sound of Music.

Well, I won't give it to you.

I've been in this dress for 12 hours.
Give me your coat.

No.

I'm gonna take that fucking coat.

-[blow lands]
-[Anton groans]

I warned you, you Swedish
gummy fish motherfucker!

[Anton] Ouch!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

-Nance?
-[Nancy] Oh, my God, Susan!

Hello. Hello?

Just say something to me, please.

Susan? Anything.

I cannot handle this, Susan!

There is nothing in real life
that someone could do to a spy

that is filthier or more upsetting
than what my brain will cook up right now.

So save me from myself, Susan!

You know what's going to happen.
I'm gonna get chattier.

Did you know that
you can't ever change having big pores?

Oh, my God, Nancy,
you are driving me nuts!

I couldn't talk because
I was in an elevator filled with people.

You're all right. Oh, thank God.

You disappeared for 12 hours.
We didn't know what happened!

I had to take out my earpiece
and my camera.

Rayna's on to our agents and she'd
spot my equipment from a mile away.

You're with Rayna?

You're not supposed to be
within a mile away of her.

I know, but I'm in deep
and I'm getting such good intel.

Please, I need to remain
on radio silence just a little bit longer.

Don't worry, I'll be able
to keep a better eye on you now.

What are you talking about? How?

What are you doing here?

Elaine wanted to know
exactly what you were up to,

so I tracked your earpiece.
They sent me here.

They sent you?

I'm as unknown as you are,
so they thought my cover was safe.

-Did they give you an identity?
-It's so cool.

-I said I wanted to be Amber Valentine…
-What?

And they let me use it.

You got to pick your identity?
I had to go as a cat lady.

-[Rayna] Amber!
-[both] Yes?

-Who is this?
-I didn't know the police were here.

This is my colleague, detective.
The one I fucking told you about.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did, Helen Keller!

You're both named Amber?

Whoa. What did I tell you
about talking to me?

Nothing. You just said
nothing about talking.

You want me to have Cagney
and fucking Lacey explain it to you?

Cagney's coming down your throat.
Lacey's gonna come up your ass.

I'm gonna meet them in the middle
and play your heart like an accordion.

I'm gonna pump that shit until it pops.

-You Swedish bitch.
-You wouldn't dare.

You gonna cry,
you little Swiss fucking pussy?

-I'm not gonna cry.
-You're crying now!

[voice breaks] I'm not!

It's so… fucking hot!

You know, just,
let's leave Anton alone for now.

Please. What's your name?

-Susan Cooper.
-What?

-Oh, sorry, it came out.
-What did I…

She's not supposed
to fucking say her real name.

She's one of my best.
She's highly skilled.

Very skilled.

At what? Getting things
out of a high cupboard?

-[laughs]
-Don't do that.

That's very good! Because I'm tall.

I'm not very good at reaching high things.

A doctor once said to me
I have the muscle capacity of an infant.

-My arms are like two noodles.
-[Rayna screams]

[gunfire]

Susan, get Rayna to safety, now!

-[Rayna screams]
-I've got her.

Go!

Get away!

Oh, my God!

Who puts a roof on a scooter?
What are you, the Pope?

Ooh!

Get out of the way!

Oh!

[horn honking]

Oh, my God!

This guy is driving crazy!
I can't keep up with him!

Wait a minute.

I got it.

All right, little detour.

Oh, God.

Let's do this!

[all yelling]

I am so badass!

[men clamoring]

I got it. I know what you're saying.

You're no prize yourself!
Get back to work!

Where are we going?!

Smells like cheese under here!

[panting] Stick with me. You'll be safe.

Crawl with me. I must protect you!

Crawl with me!

Fucking ridiculous clown show!

This fuckery stops now.

[revs scooter]

[engine revving]

Do you know
if there's a Popeyes Chicken around here?

What?

I saw a KFC down the way,
but I'm more of a Popeyes guy.

The food is really weird--
Oh, my God, I'll ask someone else!

Okay, enough!

[tires screeching]

Drop your weapon!

[gasps]

Oh, my God. Karen.

Why aren't you in Capri?

I'm so sorry I shot you.
You must not have known it was me, either.

I changed my hair.

Oh, yeah.

Looks really good. Are those extensions?

Uh, no, it's just my hair.

You know, a few clips. Colored.

Okay, if you say so.

I'm sorry. And I'm sorry about this too.

[gunshots]

[panting]

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Susan! My thighs are on fire!

I don't care! Where is Rayna?

I don't know. She slipped off me.
I was very sweaty.

Karen Walker is dead.

-What?
-She's a double agent!

Somebody shot her. I don't know who did.

-I don't know how deep this thing goes.
-Oh, my God. [yelps]

Get your motherfucking asses up here!

Now!

Shit! People are trying to kill me

and all that's left of my security team
is you two defending me,

and you look like somebody's
demented aunts on vacation!

[grunts in frustration]

Do you have anyone on your team,
other than this asthmatic Big Bird?

Yeah, we usually just use her
for non-physical security resources.

I'm very non-physically resourceful.

I do a lot of reading.
I read palms and maps,

and I've read all of The Hunger Games…

How is that helpful?!

I don't know. I'm panicking!

And you!

You have to stop with these
stupid Penny Morgan outfits!

You have to dress like an actual human!

Get me more security

when I come back out here,
or you're both dead!

[rock music playing]

♪ I am cold-blooded… ♪

Suck on this, Rayna.

This mission's gonna cost you money.

The clothing allowance
cut off halfway through the last…

Can you just please concentrate
on getting the new bodyguard?

-God damn it! Please!
-All right, all right.

Crabby.

I've already contacted the agency.

Aw. Come on!

You, in this outfit…

Magnifico!

[dance music playing]

Do we have anything yet?

[Nancy] No one so far, Susan.

Slightly intimidating crowd, however.

Hello, you look nice.

[woman laughing]

Ah, just keep laughing. Looks fade.

Keep your eyes open.

God damn it, I told you to dress up.

And take off those gloves.
You look like Darth-fucking-Vader.

The reason I'm wearing these gloves
is because I don't know what creature

is gonna crawl out
of that nest on your head.

Whatever. Keep an eye out for this woman.
She's the one coming to make the bid.

He's got a friend.

Keep your eyes open.
I may need your help out there.

To close my eyes
in the presence of this beautiful body

would be a crime.

Oh, God.

Nancy, okay, you know the woman
I spotted in Paris, the bomber?

She's coming tonight to make a bid.

She works for De Luca
so we know something is up.

I need you to keep an--

Son of a bee sting.

Excuse me, he's mine. Yeah.

I didn't mean to hit her that hard.
You're like a balloon animal.

Here, take those.

Hi. What are you doing, Ford?

I'm here to help you.

You may have found Rayna,
but you cannot lose her.

-This isn't fucking playtime anymore!
-Yeah?

It's playtime on your face,
with your stupid mustache!

You look like a perverted bus driver!

-Cooper!
-Yeah?

Get out.

[both grunting]

[Ford] Let go!

Yeah, who's dominating now?

You're putting this entire
operation in danger.

Your girlfriend from the Paris bombing
is on her way here to meet Rayna.

If she sees us, my cover's blown
and we're both dead!

Just worry about yourself, Cooper.

Thank you for the beautiful ladies.

-You guys okay?
-[crowd cheering]

Let's welcome Mr. 50 Cent!

What's up, Budapest?

I just had some goulash.
The shit was on point!

♪ Get the party rockin'
Bottles poppin' ♪

♪ Tonight, we gonna turn up till we ♪

♪ Twisted… ♪

Oh, shit. She's here.

We can't let Rayna see her.

Take out her bodyguards
and I'll deal with her.

Ain't nobody orders me around!

God, do you have a better idea?

Yeah, we release a gas in the club

causing everybody
to get temporary amnesia.

Get 100 sticks of dynamite--

Oh, God! Just go! Just go!

Nancy, I need you to get in here now.

I'm coming, Susan. I'm here!

Pardon. Excuse me.

Okay. I'm here. I'm here.

♪ Turn up ♪

Wow! 50 Cent Piece!

Thanks for letting me know.

Do not let Rayna see that woman.

Create a diversion, now.

-What kind of diversion?
-A big one!

♪ Let's enjoy tonight
Like tonight's our last ♪

♪ We can focus on the future
And reflect on the past ♪

♪ We done came so far
I mean, look where we are ♪

50, I love you!

[crowd gasping]

50, I love you! Kiss me!

-Get her!
-Take me now!

Turn around.

-Get off!
-I'm coming in!

Nancy, I got her. Meet me outside.

Okay. Right.
I'm fine now. Thank you so much.

Okay.

I got my wish. That was it.

I've now got to jump
Michael Bublé in Croatia. He wants me.

Cooper, I've got this under control.
You're coming with me.

[Ford groans]

Ow!

Oh, my God, Susan!

Okay, bigger diversion.

Huge diversion.

Bitch!

I gotta know who she's working for.
Get Rayna out of here!

That's not fair!

-[horn honking]
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

God damn it!

Nancy, where are you?

Bit indisposed.

It turns out 50 Cent doesn't have
a great sense of humor or irony.

I need backup! I lost my gun in the club!

You know, we're probably
more alike than you think!

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

Oh, shit.

[groans]

Ow! Why'd I get rid of my gloves?

[gasps]

[grunts]

[laughs]

Ow! Motherbutler!

You got a lot of rage in that jumpsuit.

[laughs]

[growls]

[groans]

[screams]

[retches] Oh…

That's clean through.

Thanks for your weapon.

It's been inside you,
so I don't think it should go inside me…

Get up. Get up!

You are under arrest by Susan Cooper
and the government of the United States.

Rayna, how did you do that?

I didn't. He did.

Hello, Coop.

Fine? Ow…

[Fine] Hey.

Coop.

[groans softly]

Wake up!

Did you have a nice nap?

You were snoring very loudly.

That's just really not the most
upsetting news right now.

My father used to bring people here.

Did he also make you dress
like a slutty dolphin trainer?

He'd starve them,

torture them.

You name it.

But he especially didn't like it
when people lied to him.

Not that I bought it.

-You knew?
-Of course I knew.

I told you,
you were better off in the basement, Coop.

You could have avoided all of this.

And what, Fine?

Now you're a nuclear black marketer?

A terrorist?

No…

He's just fucking me.

You're a loud kisser.

-Excuse me?
-You're a loud kisser.

And it's gross and unappealing.

You look like some old, toothless woman
sucking the jelly out of a donut.

Hey, what's it like sleeping with the man
that killed your father?

Nice try, Coop.

She already knows it was Cress.

Ah. Okay.

You've probably always
been in love with him, haven't you?

Talking in his ear,

hoping, eventually,
one day he'll fall in love with you.

[chuckles]

Poor little pathetic Susan Coleman.

That's not my last name,
so it's really not much of a burn, is it?

-Cooping.
-No.

Croupon.

Are you thinking "Groupon"?

No, my name's not "Groupon."

-Croupe.
-Keep going.

-Kapowski.
-That's getting further from it!

Well, whatever the fuck it is,
let's just call you dead.

I thought we were gonna
hang on to her till tonight.

I changed my mind.

Goodbye.

-[gun clicks]
-[gasps]

[chuckles]

Like I'd waste a bullet on you.

Put her in the room.

Ow!

Ah!

[door shuts]

Hey, Aldo.

Hello, captured lady.

I failed.

I failed the mission.

Fine is alive,

and he's a traitor.

Don't be downhearted.

My mama said to me,

"Aldo, life is full of sorrow

and surprises."

"But a magnificent pair of bosoms

will…"

-[sighs heavily]
-Good story.

[door clangs open]

Susan.

-Get away from me.
-No, listen.

I haven't got much time.

Why'd you do it, Fine?

This was my only way in.

I had to fake my death
to gain Rayna's trust.

I jammed the signal, popped out my lens.

It was easy.

I hated to do it to you, Coop,
but I had to. I had to.

Rayna knew all about our agents,

because Karen Walker sold her the names.

I couldn't trust anyone at the agency
not to give me away, not even you.

How do I know you're telling me the truth?

Did Karen Walker try to kill you?

-You shot her?
-I'm deep undercover.

But not so deep
that I can't still protect you.

-All right, look me in the eye.
-What?

Really look me in the eye.

One of your eyes is bigger than the other.

Really?

No.

You're perfect, God damn it.

Asshole.

-[groans]
-[Susan] God! [groans]

That hurt.

Good, it was supposed to.

Bosom.

Is he dangerous?

Only if you have boobs.

So did Rayna really know I was a spy?

No. Not until you blew
your cover back at that kitchen.

I really thought she was more
experienced than that.

Thank God she's not, huh?

'Cause if she was, you'd be dead now.

-I think they're pretty good covers--
-I gotta go.

We're heading to De Luca's villa
to meet with Dudaev.

Then we're taking him
to wherever the bomb is.

This thing is almost over.

Hang tight.

[door closes]

Hello, bound lady.

Not now, Aldo.

I think Mr. Fine has underestimated you.

You found your targets,

you tracked them down,
you fought very hard.

Susan…

you are a good agent.

You'll get them next time, huh?

Unless we die here.

Then you will not.

You know what,
I'm not going down like this.

I need you to untie me.

No, you heard Mr. Fine.
He's working a plan.

We have to stay put.

Untie me. Now.

[Aldo grunts]

That's my ass.

It is very difficult to see
or gauge my position.

You're just simply grabbing my ass.

Let's roll to our side. [grunts]

God!

Oh! Hey!

The knot is very tight,
but I am making progress.

Your hand is way up in there.

My right hand is restrained
from the weight of my body.

Okay. I have idea.

-Oh, my God.
-[grunts]

-Oh, Jesus.
-Don't move.

-Wait, wait, wait!
-Stay still.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes.

-Oh, God!
-Yes. Scusi.

Can't be happening.

Damn it, I was having
such an empowering moment

before this started.

My penis may be gently
kissing the back of your head.

Just untie me before I crush your nuts.

Oh, please.
If only we had time for such pleasures.

-[Aldo grunting]
-Go!

Oh, stop licking it!

[Aldo grunting]

[both panting]

-It is done.
-Thank you, Aldo.

I don't wanna know why my neck is wet,

-but you did excellent work.
-Prego.

Okay, turn around, let me untie you,

and let's get the fuck out of here.

[clangs]

[sizzling]

I need you to alert CIA and Interpol.

I'm gonna go to De Luca's
and back up Fine.

You know where the villa is?

I know everything.

One day, lady super spy,

Susan Cooper,

I will fuck you.

[chuckles]

[alternative rock music playing]

♪ The danger is I'm dangerous ♪

♪ And I might just tear you apart ♪

I love this new car smell.

Really nice.

[sniffs] Mmm.

♪ I'm gonna get ya, get ya ♪

♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪

♪ I wanna taste the way that you bleed ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna catch ya
I'm gonna get ya, get ya ♪

♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪

♪ I wanna taste the way that you bleed ♪

[men yelling]

Welcome to Lake Balaton.

I found this staircase

and made them build
a house around it. [chuckles]

Our dear Mr. Dudaev
will be arriving shortly.

You are about to become
a very rich woman, Rayna.

Which means you'll have to be
a little more careful

about the company you keep.

So many people have such terrible agendas,

like perhaps your friend here.

I can see his obvious outer appeal.

You have terrific eyes.

Thanks.

But he also works for the CIA, doesn't he?

Mr. De Luca, it's true.

I worked for the CIA,
but they think I'm dead.

You and Karen Walker
are both double agents.

What's going on at the CIA?

Drones taking all the cool assignments?

[both laugh]

If we don't get rid of him right now,
I'm calling off the deal.

Don't you fucking dare.

Yeah, why don't you listen
to that asshole. Don't you fucking dare.

Uh, you're a bit outnumbered here, Miss…

Sorry, what the fuck is your name?

Susan Cooper. I'm with the CIA.

Jesus. Rayna, did you invite
the entire agency here,

or are they just having a company retreat
at the villa next door?

God, you're funny, huh?

It's just me.

It's gonna be in your best interest
to keep Fine and me alive.

I'm trying, but I'm not quite
following your logic.

You want me to slow it down for you?
You're about to meet with Solsa Dudaev,

a man I've been collecting
intelligence on for years.

And I'm guessing that your boys here
are too busy manscaping

to have told you how he does business.

Because half the people
he deals with end up dead.

I'll tell you another thing.

You know your little girlfriend,
the one from the Paris bombing?

She's just using you to get to Rayna.

If it hadn't been for me,
she would've kidnapped her at the club.

You'd be standing here
with your dick in your hand,

'cause you'd never find that bomb.
So you need me, De Luca.

And I'm not gonna help you
unless you keep Fine alive.

Now, let me get this straight.

You work for the CIA,

yet you're willing to help me
sell a nuclear bomb,

in order to save this man's life?

Why would I believe that?

Because she's in love with him.

Hmm?

Yeah, so what?

This idiot doesn't even know it.

Too dumb to know I'd do anything for him.

And fuck the CIA, right?

What have they ever done for me?

Took 10 years of my life,
gave me shitty pay,

put me in a basement
with a ceiling full of bats,

that gave me pinkeye,
or at least an allergy…

Something got fucked up in my eye.

[Rayna] Ugh!

I would've been out long ago
if it hadn't been for Fine.

So, yeah, I'll do anything
it takes to keep him alive.

That's pretty pathetic, right?

[scoffs] Extremely pathetic.

God, you're an asshole.

When this is over,
I'm gonna shave that fucking head.

All right, Miss Havisham.
I'll take you up on your offer.

But if you try anything, I mean anything,

I'll make your dream come true
and send you and your boyfriend to heaven.

Let's go.

Mr. Dudaev.

Welcome to Hungary.

Like Chechnya, only easier to pronounce.

Enough with the bullshit.

Where is the package?

Once my client sees the payment,

she'll take us all
to its very secure hiding spot.

Wherever that may be.

I got it, handsome.

A hundred million Euros
doesn't buy what it used to, does it?

Nice ice, Solsa.

Right.

He's all yours.

Gentlemen, if you would follow me.

Here it is.

What is this bullshit?

Bullshit?

Solsa, I'll have you know--

It's the nuke.

Clever girl.

A lead-lined compartment.

[Rayna] Correct.

The lead lining is thick
as to mask any radiation detection.

My father was extremely good at his job.

[De Luca] Unbelievable!
You could have warned me, Rayna.

I've been throwing my gym clothes
on top of that for a week.

It is beautiful, eh.

Yes, it is.

What the fuck are you doing?

Conducting business.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Put it in the helicopter.

And don't forget my diamonds.

What the fuck is going on?

De Luca played you, Rayna.
And you led him right to it.

You didn't expect me
to let him have it, did you?

I mean, it's like
giving a Stradivarius to a hillbilly.

I have a buyer who's willing to pay me
500,000,000 Euros for it.

And Dudaev would've never been able
to get that bomb onto American soil.

My buyer will have it in the middle
of New York City, and use it next week.

So, you know,
if you haven't seen Phantom yet…

So, what? Does this mean
you're gonna kill me too, Sergio?

I'm afraid so.

Sorry. It's just cleaner
that way. You understand.

Explain it to me, De Luca!

[grunts]

[sighs] God. He means well.

This day just keeps getting
better and better.

Thanks for the performance, folks.
But sorry, Rayna, show's over.

[yelps]

Go! Go!

[grunts]

Holy shit.

-Where's De Luca?
-Susan!

Get down! [groans]

No!

Whoa! Ah!

[both grunting]

I should have killed you
when I had the chance.

-Rayna!
-What?

Under the car!

Push it over!

Seriously?

God, use those fucking
bird arms and push it!

[grunts]

[gun clicks]

[laughing]

Oh! Oh!

What happened?

Did I get him?

De Luca's got the bomb
on the helicopter. Get up!

Oh, fuck me!

I got this.

No!

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

Hurry up!

Come on!

Kill her!

-I've got this. I've done this before!
-Ah!

[gun clicks]

-Cooper, you're gonna fuck this up!
-Shut up and help!

Are you kidding me?

Ford, what the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna crawl up you,
and take out De Luca.

Get your hands off my boobs!

I'm saving you!

Oh, my God. Those do not belong on those!

I can't get a good grip.
Your pants are too slippery!

[screaming]

Hang on tight!
I'm gonna swing like I'm on a trapeze,

and leap my way up to the cockpit…

[screaming]

I told you you was gonna
fuck this up, Cooper!

[Susan] Holy smokes!

Ooh, that's high!

[screams]

God damn it!

[grunts]

Ah, fucking new suit.

This shit ends now!

-Freeze!
-Oh, my God!

I am not in the fucking mood
for your bullshit!

Oh, yeah? Then you'll love this!

[screams]

I am not in the mood for your bullshit!

Back up!

Sorry, spy.

-Playtime's over.
-Yeah, it is.

-Say goodbye to your toys!
-What are you doing?

Don't you dare! Oh, my God! Don't!

No! Oh, my God!

[groans]

[cocks gun]

Die!

-[gunshot]
-Ah!

Whoo-hoo! I just shot a man!

Is it wrong it felt so right?

It's so me!

[alarms beeping]

Hey! Heroic lady!

In my country, there is a saying
about women like you,

"Hot as fuck!"

Oh, God. Not now, Aldo.

-Go, Susan!
-[gun clatters]

Oh! That was not part of my plan.

[grunts]

Just like a woman
to wear jewelry into battle.

Although, this is the ugliest
fucking necklace I've ever seen!

Yes, it is. And it's all yours,

with an adjustable toggle!

[screaming]

[alarms beeping]

Here we go. No problem.

Come on!

Okay, okay! All right, I got it.

I got it.

-[chuckles]
-[sighs in relief]

Nice copter! Where'd you get it?

It's 50 Cent's!

I had to deputize him to let us use it!

He is so afraid of me!

I'm a motherfucking spy!
Let's go shoot somebody else!

Simmer down, 50 Cent,
or I'll mount you again.

This day is just getting
better and better!

He wants me!

I think we should land.

I dropped a nuke in the water.

[exhales]

Good job, guys. Sorry about the lake.

All right, motherfucker, don't push.
You're gonna get your pictures.

There's enough 50 to go around.
I helped kill a terrorist.

You ever see Kanye do some shit
like that? He never, never!

Isn't this wonderful?

I was hoping to spend
the rest of my life in jail.

Give me some quality time
to deal with the fact

that I was sleeping
with the man who killed my father.

Anyway, call my lawyer.
Get the Goyard tote from the hotel.

-I need everything on time--
-Do you think I still work for you?

Whatever. Fuck you.

I knew you really liked me.

Hey!

Fuck you too.

Don't touch my fucking hair!

What are you looking at?

Oh, God, Aldo, don't…

I am too tired to fend off your groping.

[in British accent] Please.
I understand completely.

Look, my real name is Albert…

MI6.

Look, I'm sorry
if my disguise was a bit much.

I just like to really get into character.

Although I fear I may have become
overexcited at certain points.

Little bit.

By way of apology,

should your work ever bring you to London,

I would love to take you for dinner.

Okay. Yeah, I think that would be nice.

Wonderful.

-[moans]
-Oh, God!

[in Italian accent]
How you like my English accent, huh?

I learn it from the Downton Abbey.

[in British accent] No, I'm only joking.

-[in Italian accent] Or am I?
-Oh, my God.

[Fine] Coop.

Great work.

What a job.

Super Cooper. Really amazing.

-Thanks.
-[Elaine] Yes, it was.

-You really came through.
-Thank you, ma'am.

I'd like to keep you
out in the field for now.

Wow.

We need you to fly to Prague tomorrow,

to infiltrate an international
drug-smuggling ring.

Here's your new identity.

You in, Cooper?

Agent Susan Cooper
reporting for duty, ma'am.

-Nobody says or does that, but great.
-I won't do that.

Okay. Thank you.

[Elaine] Francis Mays is
an unemployed telemarketer

living off her disability checks.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

And who wears reading glasses
in their passport photo?

She's only kidding. She got ya!

[all laughing]

Oh, my God! That was a good one!

Yeah, I'm not.
I don't have a sense of humor.

No, you don't.

We'll talk soon.

Glad the pinkeye is under control.

That was actually an allergy--

Okay. Got it.

So, you're a spy now, Coop.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I don't think I'll find anyone
as good as you in the basement.

I think you will.

There's a lot of good people down there.

So, hey,

thing is, I know a great
little restaurant right near here.

Maybe you and I could go
for a nice, long dinner?

[imperceptible]

Um…

You know what, I'm just
kind of feeling like a girls' night.

You understand, right?

Yeah, sure.

I'll catch you later.
You go have a great time.

Thank you.

Hey, Coop.

All those things you said
about me to De Luca…

did you mean that?

You're a lot furrier
than I thought you'd be.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Smell you later, pal.

[chuckles]

Glad you're still alive, Beverly,
you silly fucking girly wanker!

God!

Nice work, Cooper.

Wow. Is that a compliment?

That's not easy for you to do.

Fuck it. Look, you did a good job.

Probably just beginner's luck, though.

There we go. Where did you get a suit?

I fucking made it, didn't I?

It's nice.

You still out of the CIA?

Probably not. They need me.

I think I need to spend some time
on my own first.

Clear my head.

I'm gonna take this down the coast.

Maybe spend some time in Italy.
Drive it to Greece.

Sometimes, a man needs to go to sea.

[Susan] Sounds good, Ford.

Good for you.

Take care.

[Nancy] Bye.

[Ford] Arrivederci!

-Do you think he knows that's a lake?
-No, I don't.

[pop music playing]

-Let's go.
-Okay.

You can't let anybody see how sore I am.

-I got you.
-Okay.

Come here.

[Susan] My glutes are really seizing up.

[Nancy] If you're sore,

take a hot bath,
and then we're gonna celebrate.

I hope you like champagne and beef jerky.

[Susan] Well… Oh. That's a…

[Nancy] You have to! I stole a case of it…

[Susan] I don't know
if I like them together.

[Nancy] …out of 50 Cent's helicopter!

[Susan] Oh, slower, slower.

[Ford] Cooper, is this a fucking lake?

How the fuck do I get to Italy?

[man snoring]

Ow.

[man] Bosoms.

[Susan gasps]

[screaming]

Ah, stop screaming. You loved it.

Ugh. God.

♪ Yeah, listen here! ♪

♪ I'm your little heartbreaker
Your little earth shaker ♪

♪ Don't shake your finger at me ♪

♪ No, no! ♪

♪ I ain't misbehaving
I don't need your saving ♪

♪ A little space is something I need ♪

♪ I'm not that little darling
I don't beg your pardon ♪

♪ I'm trouble with a capital "T"
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm no angel
There's no stopping me ♪

♪ Here I come, here I come
Here I come ♪

♪ Well, I'm your bad seed rising
Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Bad seed rising
Ain't no use in crying ♪

♪ I still wear a halo, my Lord ♪

♪ Ain't no use denying
This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Yeah, listen here ♪

♪ Bless my heart, bless my soul
Like my mama told me so ♪

♪ Never lie, keep it gold
Always take care of my own ♪

♪ 'Cause they're always looking
Yeah, they're looking out for me ♪

♪ Here I come, here I come
Here I come ♪

♪ Well, I'm your bad seed rising
Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Bad seed rising
Ain't no use in crying ♪

♪ I still wear a halo, my Lord ♪

♪ Ain't no use denying
This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Yeah, listen here ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come, here I come
Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come, here I come
Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come, here I come
Here I come ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ I'm your bad seed rising
Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Bad seed rising
Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Bad seed rising
Ain't no use in crying ♪

♪ I still wear a halo, my Lord ♪

♪ Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Yeah, listen here ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ Ain't no use denying ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

♪ This girl ain't a good girl no more ♪

Finished?

Yeah.

Round two?

All right.

Don't do that thing with your thumb again.

[both laughing]

I can't believe I said it!
I hate myself for saying it!

She said it! [laughs]