Original subtitles

[dramatic eerie music]

[dramatic eerie music]

- Hi, Grandpa.

- Hiya, sonny boy.

- Hiya, sonny boy.

I didn't mean to wake you up.

I just came in to give ya a good, big

I just came in to give ya a good, big

hug and a kiss before I went to bed.

- Did you scare 'em?

- [Lon] You bet your life I scared 'em.

- [Lon] You bet your life I scared 'em.

- Okay.

- Mmmmm.

Go to sleep.

- Good night, Grandpa.

- Good night, Grandpa.

- Now, you just go to sleep.

- Now, you just go to sleep.

- Mr. Chaney?

Conference call.

- Oh, yeah, I'll, I'll be right there.

- Oh, yeah, I'll, I'll be right there.

You sleep good.

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

[chiming]

[chiming]

[chiming]

[playful music]

[playful music]

- Lon?

- Oh, hiya Boris.

- Oh, hiya Boris.

- Peter.

[talking over each other]

Well, now, Peter.

Well, now, Peter.

I've read your prospectus.

I've read your prospectus.

I regret to say old friend,

well, speaking entirely for myself, of course,

well, speaking entirely for myself, of course,

I find it rather wanting,

if not indeed psychologically unsound in today's market.

if not indeed psychologically unsound in today's market.

- But people don't change, Boris.

What frightened them then in the dark ages,

What frightened them then in the dark ages,

it still frightens them now.

it still frightens them now.

Fear is born into people.

Woodstock does [mumbles].

Woodstock does [mumbles].

Zombies, ghosts, ghouls, vampires, monsters,

Zombies, ghosts, ghouls, vampires, monsters,

and don't you sell 'em short, Boris.

and don't you sell 'em short, Boris.

- Rattles and drums, old hat, my dear fellow, old hat.

- Rattles and drums, old hat, my dear fellow, old hat.

Look, I'm told that business is so bad

Look, I'm told that business is so bad

that the witch doctors in Africa

that the witch doctors in Africa

are asking for relief parcels.

I see a schism as wide as this

can't be bridged by telephone.

can't be bridged by telephone.

We'll have to meet and come to a final

and unanimous decision.

and unanimous decision.

- But Boris, you know I can't stand London

at this time of the year.

at this time of the year.

- What's the matter, Peter?

Too much fog to swirl the cape in?

Too much fog to swirl the cape in?

- Hah hah.

- Oh, very well, I'll fly to New York.

- Oh, very well, I'll fly to New York.

- No, no, why don't you come here to Hollywood.

- No, no, why don't you come here to Hollywood.

- Say, I have an idea.

Why not meet halfway?

Why not meet halfway?

I know a place outside of Chicago,

near to the airport.

near to the airport.

- Chicago?

Splendid.

By all means, make the reservations at once.

By all means, make the reservations at once.

Oh, but Peter, I suggest that you sign us in, uh,

Oh, but Peter, I suggest that you sign us in, uh,

as a committee, uh.

A society in aid of the prevention

A society in aid of the prevention

of something or other.

I'm sure Mrs. Baxter would advise us

I'm sure Mrs. Baxter would advise us

to do exactly that.

- Don't you think we oughta have her there, too?

- Don't you think we oughta have her there, too?

- Why of course.

Without her legal and financial counsel,

Without her legal and financial counsel,

the whole project might get off on the wrong foot.

the whole project might get off on the wrong foot.

Oh, and Peter,

in the interest of anonymity,

in the interest of anonymity,

I think we should use our given names as surnames

I think we should use our given names as surnames

and reverse the spelling, you see what I mean?

and reverse the spelling, you see what I mean?

In that way, I'd be Mr. Sirob.

In that way, I'd be Mr. Sirob.

- And I shall be Mr. Retep.

- And that'd make me Mr. Nol.

- And that'd make me Mr. Nol.

- Well, shall we say tomorrow afternoon in Chicago?

- Well, shall we say tomorrow afternoon in Chicago?

- Splendid, oh, Peter.

What's the name of the place?

What's the name of the place?

- The O'Hare Inn.

- The O'Hare Inn.

[uptempo music]

[chattering]

- Pick a number between 18 and 25.

- Oh, no, I've lost that game before.

- Oh, no, I've lost that game before.

Anyway, what's make you think

it's a convention group?

- When, uh, two or more girls get together

and there's no guy in the group,

and there's no guy in the group,

it's just got to be a convention.

it's just got to be a convention.

- Buz, there are things carved in marble

- Buz, there are things carved in marble

with not one tenth the content

of that last authoritative remark.

of that last authoritative remark.

Now, suppose it is a convention group.

What makes you think we'll be assigned?

What makes you think we'll be assigned?

- You heard Mr. Pavis.

- You heard Mr. Pavis.

- It was a maybe, not a yes.

- Look, the man says that if we turn out to be

- Look, the man says that if we turn out to be

half as personable in the flesh

half as personable in the flesh

as we did on the phone, we're hired.

Junior executives in charge of convention liaison.

Junior executives in charge of convention liaison.

Kitchen expediters, banquet troubleshooters

Kitchen expediters, banquet troubleshooters

and would you like six more chairs, madam?

and would you like six more chairs, madam?

Oh.

[provocative music]

[provocative music]

Heads.

Heads.

Well.

I wonder what your first group's gonna be like.

I wonder what your first group's gonna be like.

[dramatic music]

[playful music]

[playful music]

- [Woman] Impossible.

- [Woman] Impossible.

- Mr. Retep, we've been expecting you, sir.

- Mr. Retep, we've been expecting you, sir.

- I think I better sign the rest of my party, too.

- I think I better sign the rest of my party, too.

- Of course, Mr. Retep.

- Of course, Mr. Retep.

Mr. Retep, has anyone ever told you

there's a striking resemblance between you

there's a striking resemblance between you

and, you'll excuse me, sir, Peter Lorre?

and, you'll excuse me, sir, Peter Lorre?

- That's pretty insulting, isn't it?

- That's pretty insulting, isn't it?

- Front, please.

Mr. Retep, 306.

Mr. Retep, 306.

[smacks]

[smacks]

- What have you reserved for our meetings?

- What have you reserved for our meetings?

- Parlor nine, sir, an excellent view of the pool,

- Parlor nine, sir, an excellent view of the pool,

and a Mr. Tod Stiles has been assigned

as your group liaison.

Anything you want, contact Mr. Stiles.

Anything you want, contact Mr. Stiles.

We hope you enjoy your stay here, sir.

We hope you enjoy your stay here, sir.

[playful music]

[playful music]

- So, that's it gentlemen.

- So, that's it gentlemen.

Now, any questions, Mr. Murdock?

- I do, do you happen to know

what a gerenuk is, Mr. Pavis?

what a gerenuk is, Mr. Pavis?

- A what?

- G-E-R-E-N-U-K, gerenuk.

- G-E-R-E-N-U-K, gerenuk.

- Funny you ask.

- Funny you ask.

I swear I've seen that word someplace.

Yeah, and just today.

- On the special events board.

- On the special events board.

My first assignment, the Society

for the Preservation of Gerenuks.

for the Preservation of Gerenuks.

You know, I've been thinking,

perhaps Mr. Murdock here might

perhaps Mr. Murdock here might

be better with a group like that.

He has such a flair for the baroque

and I could struggle along with his group.

- I'd be more than happy to exchange with you,

but, you see, I'm right in the middle

of setting up the guidelines with that group.

of setting up the guidelines with that group.

As you were saying, Mr. Pavis,

we want a real push-button operation, here,

we want a real push-button operation, here,

and this group of young ladies,

fine group, Executive Secretaries of the Midwest,

fine group, Executive Secretaries of the Midwest,

all work for very influential bosses,

all work for very influential bosses,

potential and future business for the hotel.

Now, you see, this group of young ladies and I

Now, you see, this group of young ladies and I

have set up a very smooth working relationship.

have set up a very smooth working relationship.

What was the word that you used?

- Rapport.

- That's it.

- That's it.

Rapport.

I'm very large in the rapport department.

Well, I've got to be going.

Well, I've got to be going.

Lila and Beth, that's Miss Baine and Miss Trainwas,

the president and her deputy,

the president and her deputy,

want me to sit on a pre-planning session,

want me to sit on a pre-planning session,

that's before they call the group to order this afternoon.

that's before they call the group to order this afternoon.

[playful music]

[provocative music]

[provocative music]

[splashing]

[playful music]

[provocative music]

[provocative music]

- Lila, check him off your list.

- Lila, check him off your list.

He's a prisoner of love.

He's a prisoner of love.

- What on Earth makes you think I'm interested in him?

- What on Earth makes you think I'm interested in him?

- Well, he does wear trousers, now, doesn't he?

Even if they're a little wet around the cuffs.

Even if they're a little wet around the cuffs.

- [Lila] Mr. Murdock.

- [Lila] Mr. Murdock.

[squishing]

[squishing]

- Whoops.

- You're just in time.

Um, I couldn't seem to make this thing work.

Um, I couldn't seem to make this thing work.

- Oh.

Tes--

Tes--

Testing, one, two.

Well, I guess it just needed a little time to warm up.

- Everything should, you'd think.

- Everything should, you'd think.

- I brought this list for your check,

I've already ordered it, but, uh,

I've already ordered it, but, uh,

just to make sure.

- Absolutely.

Beth, why don't you go see about lunch?

- Maybe I could go check on Christmas dinner.

- Maybe I could go check on Christmas dinner.

[water splashing]

[water splashing]

Maybe we both could go check on Christmas dinner.

Maybe we both could go check on Christmas dinner.

- Mr. Murdock, it is my understanding

- Mr. Murdock, it is my understanding

that you've been assigned to help us

conduct the arrangements for a business meeting?

conduct the arrangements for a business meeting?

Our girls are here to work and to learn,

Our girls are here to work and to learn,

to profit from an exchange of ideas with each other,

to profit from an exchange of ideas with each other,

to advance the status and dignity

to advance the status and dignity

of the profession Executive Secretary,

of the profession Executive Secretary,

and to return to their desks better than when they left.

and to return to their desks better than when they left.

- Better men, that is.

- That is our platform, we have no plank in it

- That is our platform, we have no plank in it

for propinquity, is that clear?

- Oh, yes, everything but that last word,

propinquity?

- Propinquity.

Her name is Molly.

Her name is Molly.

Molly Cross.

Beautiful and dumb and a little sad.

Beautiful and dumb and a little sad.

She needs comforting right now Mr. Murdock

She needs comforting right now Mr. Murdock

but leave her alone, forget it, even before you start.

but leave her alone, forget it, even before you start.

You see, she's the marrying kind, aren't we all?

You see, she's the marrying kind, aren't we all?

- Beth, honestly.

- Oh, yes, that is enough honesty for one day.

- Oh, yes, that is enough honesty for one day.

Shall we fix the microphone

or shall we just sit here and admire him openly?

or shall we just sit here and admire him openly?

[water splashing]

[water splashing]

- Comforting from what?

- Comforting from what?

What is she sad about?

- It is the longest short story you ever heard.

- It is the longest short story you ever heard.

- Beth, we are here to work.

I'm assuming you are, too.

[knocking]

[playful music]

[playful music]

- Mr. Retep?

- Mr. Retep?

[provocative music]

[provocative music]

I'm Stiles from the Inn.

Your expediter?

Your expediter?

- Oh, I like expediters.

Come right in.

[door slams]

Well, our needs are really quite simple.

Well, our needs are really quite simple.

All I need is a large table, four chairs, oh yes,

All I need is a large table, four chairs, oh yes,

and a very good lock on the inside of the door

because you see,

because you see,

the work of our society is quite secretive.

the work of our society is quite secretive.

- The preservation of gerenuks?

- The preservation of gerenuks?

- You know about gerenuks?

- Well, frankly, Mr. Retep, nobody around here

- Well, frankly, Mr. Retep, nobody around here

knows what a gerenuk is or does, including me.

knows what a gerenuk is or does, including me.

I'm a Yale man.

- Ah, that's alright.

- Ah, that's alright.

- Well, it isn't in the dictionary.

- Well, it isn't in the dictionary.

- Don't you speak Somali?

[chuckles]

- I had trouble with the adverbs.

- I had trouble with the adverbs.

- The explanation is quite simple.

- The explanation is quite simple.

Gerenuk come from a Somali expression, gerenuk,

Gerenuk come from a Somali expression, gerenuk,

and it means an antelope, a small gazelle

in the eastern part of Africa, litocranius walleri.

in the eastern part of Africa, litocranius walleri.

It's such a beautiful animal

It's such a beautiful animal

with soulful eyes, but, it's in grave danger

with soulful eyes, but, it's in grave danger

of becoming extinct and if that should happen,

of becoming extinct and if that should happen,

there are black days ahead for humanity.

there are black days ahead for humanity.

You see, the slogan of our society is,

You see, the slogan of our society is,

if it can happen to the gerenuk, it can happen to you.

if it can happen to the gerenuk, it can happen to you.

Oh, one little thing I forgot to ask to get for us is uh,

Oh, one little thing I forgot to ask to get for us is uh,

and I want it placed dead-center on a table

and I want it placed dead-center on a table

before our meeting tonight, with silver handles

before our meeting tonight, with silver handles

if you can get them on such a short notice,

a nice coffin, velvet-lined.

- A coffin?

- Well, it's the symbol for our society.

- Well, it's the symbol for our society.

It's symbolizes extinction.

It's symbolizes extinction.

Today, the gerenuk, tomorrow, man.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[playful music]

- Hey big daddy, where do you want the coffin?

- You a wise guy or something?

- You a wise guy or something?

- The man asked for silver handles.

Silver handles we ain't got.

Silver handles we ain't got.

This year it's brushed copper.

Take it or leave it.

- What man?

- What man?

- Stiles, convention department.

- Stiles, convention department.

We don't get calls for silver handles anymore.

We don't get calls for silver handles anymore.

[tapping]

- Dead ringer for Peter Lorre.

- Dead ringer for Peter Lorre.

[ringing]

Convention liaison, Stiles.

Convention liaison, Stiles.

Well, tell him I'll be right there.

Well, tell him I'll be right there.

Now, I've told you all about my little group.

Now, I've told you all about my little group.

What's the scam on your little group?

What's the scam on your little group?

- What's to tell?

- Oh, nothing very much, just, uh,

how long are they gonna be here?

how long are they gonna be here?

What can we do to provide them

with recreational facilities and uh,

with recreational facilities and uh,

who are the likeliest candidates?

who are the likeliest candidates?

- Candidates?

For what?

- Continuation of your present attitude

- Continuation of your present attitude

old buddy of mine could lead to all sorts

of serious repercussions.

of serious repercussions.

You are acquainted, I presume, with the anti-trust

division of the Department of Justice

division of the Department of Justice

where I hope are the strong forces

where I hope are the strong forces

and readiness available to attack monopoly in any form?

and readiness available to attack monopoly in any form?

Think it over.

Do we divide the territory

Do we divide the territory

or do I call in the Feds?

or do I call in the Feds?

[playful music]

[ringing]

Tell him I'm on the way.

Tell him I'm on the way.

Tell him to put it in parlor nine.

Tell him to put it in parlor nine.

[ringing]

[provocative music]

[provocative music]

- Convention liaison.

Murdock speaking.

[mumbling]

No, no, she's not here.

No, no, she's not here.

[chuckling]

- Hi.

I'm Molly.

- Yeah, I uh,

I saw you at the pool, remember?

I saw you at the pool, remember?

- I know.

An executive as important as you,

you'd think they'd give you a better office.

you'd think they'd give you a better office.

Don't you have a secretary?

Don't you have a secretary?

- Ha, don't let the jacket and the tie fool you, Molly.

- Ha, don't let the jacket and the tie fool you, Molly.

I'm just a leg man.

I'm just a leg man.

- Aren't most men?

[chuckling]

[chuckling]

- Sometime next week,

I'll think of a crazy answer.

I'll think of a crazy answer.

- You have a nice smile.

- You have a nice smile.

Like,

like you just took a drink at a Ponce de Leon fountain.

like you just took a drink at a Ponce de Leon fountain.

And he never found it.

And he never found it.

I think that's one of the saddest things ever.

I think that's one of the saddest things ever.

Are you married?

Do you need a secretary?

Do you need a secretary?

- Well, it's like I told you, Molly, I mean,

- Well, it's like I told you, Molly, I mean,

phone rings and I answer somebody [whistles]

yeah, and I run [chuckles].

yeah, and I run [chuckles].

- Well, this happens to me every three years.

About this time of year.

About this time of year.

I have to clean out my desk and move on.

I have to clean out my desk and move on.

Does music bother you?

Does music bother you?

- That lost chord they keep looking for, you know?

It's not lost.

I got it, right there.

I got it, right there.

[provocative jazz music]

[provocative jazz music]

- I carry this radio with me because

it keeps me from crying.

it keeps me from crying.

I guess I should just sorta sit and cry, but,

I guess I should just sorta sit and cry, but,

I hate to, because I'm really not unhappy.

I hate to, because I'm really not unhappy.

Just very, very sad.

You see, I just quit my job.

You see, I just quit my job.

Just before the convention.

I didn't want to come.

I was the only unemployed executive secretary

I was the only unemployed executive secretary

in the whole club,

but Mard and Nadine, they're from Indianapolis, too,

just like me.

They said, "Molly, we won't hear of it.

They said, "Molly, we won't hear of it.

"It'll take your mind off your troubles."

"It'll take your mind off your troubles."

So here I am.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

She sent me down here with this menu for lunch tomorrow.

She sent me down here with this menu for lunch tomorrow.

She said just meeting you and talking to you

She said just meeting you and talking to you

would cheer me up, and it has.

would cheer me up, and it has.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Beth is a dear.

[romantic violin music]

[romantic violin music]

[romantic violin music]

What do you think of Lila?

- Well, she'd make a fine drill sergeant

- Well, she'd make a fine drill sergeant

in the Marine Corps.

- She's really very nice.

- She's really very nice.

She's sad, too.

She's sad, too.

Everybody's sad.

That's the saddest thing of all.

That's the saddest thing of all.

Except you.

You don't seem sad.

We'll talk again some other time.

Bye.

- Oh, uh, uh, Molly.

- Oh, uh, uh, Molly.

Uh, there's a long-distance call for you.

Uh, there's a long-distance call for you.

[chuckling]

You can take it here, this phone, huh?

- I don't wanna talk to him again.

- I don't wanna talk to him again.

Never.

- Right here, fellas, dead-center.

- Right here, fellas, dead-center.

Good.

- Yes, sir, this sure looks like the place

for the fun crowd.

- Let me give you a slogan to live by, my friend.

- Let me give you a slogan to live by, my friend.

If it can happen to the gerenuk,

it can happen to you.

it can happen to you.

[dramatic music]

That's all gentlemen.

That's all gentlemen.

Thanks very much.

[ominous music]

[ominous music]

No silver handles.

No silver handles.

He'll probably moan about that.

But, at least it's velvet-lined.

But, at least it's velvet-lined.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[lid slams]

[lid slams]

[ominous music]

- Who ordered this?

- Who ordered this?

- Mr. Retep.

- I might've known.

[tense music]

[tense music]

[mysterious music]

[mysterious music]

Time is precious.

Why isn't he here?

I've come all the way from London,

I've come all the way from London,

Mrs. Baxter from Zurich.

It can't be too difficult to fly in from the west coast.

It can't be too difficult to fly in from the west coast.

- But, Boris, baby.

Calm down.

Calm down.

- This, Peter, really, I'm surprised at you.

What a corny piece of theatricality.

What a corny piece of theatricality.

I thought we agreed to keep our meeting secret.

I thought we agreed to keep our meeting secret.

- But it is secret.

They see us and they don't dare

They see us and they don't dare

to believe to see us, like a fairy tale.

Like the Emperor's Clothes.

What do you think, Mrs. Baxter?

What do you think, Mrs. Baxter?

- A coffin?

Ridiculous.

- [Mr. Retep] I like it.

- [Mr. Retep] I like it.

- It's the sort of thing that starts talk.

Boris is quite right.

Boris is quite right.

And millions involved in these negotiations

And millions involved in these negotiations

and Mr. Chaney can't even bother to be here on time.

It's shameful.

- Now, look here.

- Now, look here.

We'll start the meeting without him.

Now, Peter, I'm determined not to produce

Now, Peter, I'm determined not to produce

[mumbles] of pictures made in the old way.

[mumbles] of pictures made in the old way.

If indeed we are to form a company

and accept the network's offer to produce

and accept the network's offer to produce

and star in the most terrifying stories

ever seen on television, we must strike out

ever seen on television, we must strike out

in new directions, a, a modern sort of horror, as it were.

in new directions, a, a modern sort of horror, as it were.

You, we can't rely on hair on our faces,

You, we can't rely on hair on our faces,

nodules on our foreheads

nodules on our foreheads

or any of the old bag of tricks.

Now, we're going to stay here

Now, we're going to stay here

and hammer this issue out until we're all agreed.

and hammer this issue out until we're all agreed.

Is that clear?

- Oh, uh,

let's see, I don't...

[tapping]

[tapping]

[squeaking] [eerie music]

[squeaking] [eerie music]

- Mice?

- Oh, there you are.

- Oh, there you are.

There, gentlemen, as we are now all present,

I will try to explain the whole matter to you.

I will try to explain the whole matter to you.

The only way to operate is by forming

The only way to operate is by forming

a Liechtenstein Corporation, with banking

a Liechtenstein Corporation, with banking

done through a Swiss bank.

[growling]

[growling]

- Oh, stop this nonsense, Lon, so we can go to work.

- Oh, stop this nonsense, Lon, so we can go to work.

[thudding]

- They spoiled it.

- They spoiled it.

[whining]

[whining]

- Now, come on, Lon, come on.

Don't be disappointed.

Boris is sated, you know that.

Boris is sated, you know that.

And Mrs. Baxter, she's only horrified by

And Mrs. Baxter, she's only horrified by

fluctuating exchange rates.

fluctuating exchange rates.

- I bet you a thousand Portuguese escudos

you don't know half the trouble

you don't know half the trouble

this corporation is in for if we don't get down to business.

Now!

Now!

- Well, our only business can be to create new monsters,

- Well, our only business can be to create new monsters,

and I don't mean space creeps.

Down to earth monsters

Down to earth monsters

where people can identify themselves with 'em.

where people can identify themselves with 'em.

That is going to be our series

and that is going to guarantee our ratings.

[thud]

- What was that?

- What?

- Are you sure you locked the door, Peter?

- I got an extra lock.

- I got an extra lock.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[door slams]

[door slams]

- Next time, I'll attend to the details myself.

- Next time, I'll attend to the details myself.

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

- How's the gerenuk crowd?

- How's the gerenuk crowd?

- When you're fighting for survival,

like the gerenuk, anything goes, wouldn't you say?

like the gerenuk, anything goes, wouldn't you say?

- Look, um, I'm preparing a cocktail party.

- Look, um, I'm preparing a cocktail party.

I have very little time, so--

I have very little time, so--

- Buz, this is your last chance, old buddy.

Are you cutting me in or out?

Are you cutting me in or out?

- Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Now do you think I'd ace my only friend?

Now do you think I'd ace my only friend?

Try to see it for what it is.

Try to see it for what it is.

These girls have adopted me.

They trust me.

They trust me.

They look up to me as if I was the Great White Hunter,

They look up to me as if I was the Great White Hunter,

leading them through a gigantic forest of wolves.

They expect me to protect them

They expect me to protect them

against the kind of fellow who asks a question like,

against the kind of fellow who asks a question like,

"Which are the likeliest candidates?"

"Which are the likeliest candidates?"

I mean, after all, a guy who'd ask a question like that...

I mean, after all, a guy who'd ask a question like that...

- I warned you.

Just remember I warned you.

Just remember I warned you.

- Now what could you possibly do to upset paradise?

- Now what could you possibly do to upset paradise?

- If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

As a matter of fact, I hardly believe it myself.

As a matter of fact, I hardly believe it myself.

But when I think about it, I get chills

up and down my spine.

up and down my spine.

[playful music]

[playful music]

[mysterious music]

[knocking]

[knocking]

- [Tod] It's Tod Stiles.

- Come in, come in.

- Come in, come in.

May I order something for you?

May I order something for you?

- No, thanks.

- You don't mind if I continue, do you?

- You don't mind if I continue, do you?

- No, go on.

- Tell me, young man, what's on

your obviously troubled mind?

your obviously troubled mind?

- This afternoon I went down to parlor nine.

- This afternoon I went down to parlor nine.

- Huh?

- I wanted to see if you had everything you needed.

Door was open, so I started in.

Door was open, so I started in.

I overheard the debate.

Mr. Karloff on one side and you on the other.

Mr. Karloff on one side and you on the other.

- Well, Boris is a very stubborn man and

- Well, Boris is a very stubborn man and

we've got to get this settled quickly.

we've got to get this settled quickly.

- And you can.

I work with you behind the scenes,

you can set this whole hotel on its ear.

you can set this whole hotel on its ear.

- I know that, but we have to remain incognito.

- I know that, but we have to remain incognito.

- Nobody'll know except me.

- Nobody'll know except me.

Now, why not run a series of test scares

Now, why not run a series of test scares

on selected subjects?

We've got a perfect group right here in the hotel.

We've got a perfect group right here in the hotel.

40 secretaries, a real cross-section.

And if the old monsters are still tried and true,

And if the old monsters are still tried and true,

if they still work, you'll prove your point

if they still work, you'll prove your point

to Mr. Karloff, right?

to Mr. Karloff, right?

- That's brilliant!

It's brilliant, young man.

Why didn't I think of that?

Why didn't I think of that?

And how come you thought of it?

And how come you thought of it?

[chuckles]

- Nobody's all good, you know?

- Nobody's all good, you know?

[laughing]

- There's no such thing.

[chattering]

- Equal pay for equal work, now that's what

- Equal pay for equal work, now that's what

we've got to put across this year.

Well, do you know that right here in Chicago

Well, do you know that right here in Chicago

a laundry clerk, if he's a man, gets a dollar

and 58 cents an hour, but only a dollar

and 58 cents an hour, but only a dollar

and 17 cents if it's a woman.

And in Denver, a male bank teller get $91.00

And in Denver, a male bank teller get $91.00

for a 40-hour week, but a woman gets only $63.00

for a 40-hour week, but a woman gets only $63.00

for the same work.

for the same work.

- Every time I walk into his office,

I feel as if I'm crossing a mine field.

I feel as if I'm crossing a mine field.

- Lucky you.

I'd rather be yelled at than chased

around the obstacle course.

- Now, Nona, you don't really expect us

- Now, Nona, you don't really expect us

to believe that, do you?

to believe that, do you?

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- I'm sorry, my dear.

- I'm sorry, my dear.

Perhaps Lon and Peter are right.

Perhaps Lon and Peter are right.

Maybe the very sight of us is enough to--

Maybe the very sight of us is enough to--

- It's not you, Mr. Karloff.

- It's not you, Mr. Karloff.

You are Boris Karloff?

Every person born into this world

Every person born into this world

is somebody new.

is somebody new.

Somebody that's never been here before.

Somebody that's never been here before.

And will never be here again.

It's our duty, isn't it, to know that?

It's our duty, isn't it, to know that?

To know that there's never been anyone

like her before in the whole wide world.

like her before in the whole wide world.

Because if there had been,

then why would she be here?

then why would she be here?

And who would need her?

- What's his name, my dear?

- What's his name, my dear?

The man you're in love with?

The man you're in love with?

- Can you tell me, Mr. Karloff,

- Can you tell me, Mr. Karloff,

is there anything more pathetic than a young,

is there anything more pathetic than a young,

full-grown girl of 25

who isn't loved in return?

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[chattering]

[chattering]

[eerie music]

[eerie music]

- Ah!

[laughing]

- Case one.

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

Total loss of speech.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Cases two to six.

Spontaneous collapse.

[screaming]

[screaming]

I like that.

I like that.

[screaming]

[screaming]

- I'm going down to the kitchen.

You better go back to your room.

[tense music]

[tense music]

[screaming]

[laughing]

[laughing]

- These three passed out,

- These three passed out,

just from looking at me.

I think I resent that.

- Aw.

I wish my grandson, Lon, was here

to see this sight.

to see this sight.

You know, he was startin' to not believe in me no more,

You know, he was startin' to not believe in me no more,

but if he saw this sight,

he'd have a wonderful time.

he'd have a wonderful time.

[laughing]

- Now, beat it, before somebody comes along.

- Now, beat it, before somebody comes along.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[mysterious music]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- This is room 1114.

Would you send up a carafe of coffee?

Would you send up a carafe of coffee?

Just one cup, thank you.

Just one cup, thank you.

[clicking]

- Lorre, this is Tod.

- Lorre, this is Tod.

1114 just called.

Now she's one of their group.

Now she's one of their group.

I'll leave the coffee just outside the kitchen.

Tell Mr. Chaney to use the back halls.

Tell Mr. Chaney to use the back halls.

The place is in an uproar.

Mr. Pavis just called a meeting

Mr. Pavis just called a meeting

of all the department heads.

[mellow music] [knocking]

[mellow music] [knocking]

[growls]

[growls]

- Please bring it in.

- Please bring it in.

[breathing heavily]

[eerie music]

[eerie music]

I just think it's horrible

that they make you carry such heavy things.

that they make you carry such heavy things.

[growling]

You look exhausted.

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[slams]

[slams]

[growling]

[growling]

Would you like cream or sugar?

Would you like cream or sugar?

[whining] [thudding]

[whining] [thudding]

Oh, now, now.

Oh, now, now.

Oh, it's alright, I know, I know.

[whimpering]

[smooches]

[smooches]

[growling]

[growling]

[whimpering] [thudding]

[whimpering] [thudding]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[crying]

[thudding]

[thudding]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[slams]

[slams]

[screaming]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[playful music]

[screaming]

[screaming]

- 26 years on the cops.

This is my first ape-man.

- Lieutenant, please, please,

- Lieutenant, please, please,

don't use that phrase.

It's the kinda catchy thing

It's the kinda catchy thing

they make headlines out of.

- The boys and I interviewed 49 separate victims.

- The boys and I interviewed 49 separate victims.

Wouldn't you know, we got 49 separate descriptions.

Wouldn't you know, we got 49 separate descriptions.

Here's one that'll kill ya.

Here's one that'll kill ya.

One of those secretaries said he was,

get this, a wolfman.

get this, a wolfman.

I tell ya, some of those kooky dames.

I tell ya, some of those kooky dames.

- Maybe it was a gorilla.

Well, there's a circus not five miles from here.

Well, there's a circus not five miles from here.

Perhaps the gorilla escaped.

- Did you ever see a gorilla wearin'

a sportshirt and slacks?

a sportshirt and slacks?

[mysterious music]

[mysterious music]

- I trust everybody had a pleasant dinner?

- I trust everybody had a pleasant dinner?

Well, in that case, we'll pick up

exactly where we left off this afternoon.

exactly where we left off this afternoon.

- Is there any point in our continuing

- Is there any point in our continuing

our discussions in such lugubrious conditions?

Peter?

Peter?

I detest the smell of burning wax.

I detest the smell of burning wax.

Please turn on the lights

and stop these amateur theatrics.

and stop these amateur theatrics.

- You see, you see what I mean?

Boris is holding out for one thing

and Lon and I, we're holding out for another.

and Lon and I, we're holding out for another.

Now, deep down in my heart,

I know what's best for pictures.

I know what's best for pictures.

We might be less cerebral than he is,

We might be less cerebral than he is,

but we have more emotion.

We have more emotion.

And what I want is experience and not theory.

And what I want is experience and not theory.

I knew you would object to the candles.

I knew you would object to the candles.

And this is why I lit them.

And this is why I lit them.

I lit them deliberately because you see, now,

I lit them deliberately because you see, now,

if I snuff them out, I knew the room would be black

if I snuff them out, I knew the room would be black

and I knew someone would say--

and I knew someone would say--

- [Boris] Peter, turn on the lights.

- I knew someone would say, "Peter, turn on the lights."

- I knew someone would say, "Peter, turn on the lights."

Now, during the darkness, Lon has placed

Now, during the darkness, Lon has placed

a group of pictures in front of you.

a group of pictures in front of you.

I took them earlier this evening.

I want you to look at them with great interest.

I want you to look at them with great interest.

Because the secret of drama is to make

Because the secret of drama is to make

the expected become the unexpected.

- These appear to be corpses.

- These appear to be corpses.

The settings seem vaguely familiar.

The settings seem vaguely familiar.

- Well, I saw this girl in the lobby only 10 minutes ago.

- Well, they're not corpses.

They took one look at Lon in his makeup,

They took one look at Lon in his makeup,

just one look, and they fainted dead away.

One hundred percent effective.

One hundred percent effective.

- Not quite, Peter.

- Not quite, Peter.

Remember there was that one girl in 1114.

Remember there was that one girl in 1114.

- Idiot, well, the exception proves the rule.

- Idiot, well, the exception proves the rule.

- What girl?

What exception?

- Gentlemen, I still have not had a chance

- Gentlemen, I still have not had a chance

to outline the corporate structure.

Now, the laws of Liechtenstein--

Now, the laws of Liechtenstein--

- You listen to me.

Let's take a look at all the facts

about those girls that I been frightenin'.

about those girls that I been frightenin'.

There was this one girl--

There was this one girl--

- Even Lichtenstein, gentlemen, may be impatient

- Even Lichtenstein, gentlemen, may be impatient

enough to change its laws if we do not

come to some agreement.

come to some agreement.

Old monsters, new monsters.

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

- Now, you listen to me.

- Now, you listen to me.

There was this one girl.

I was actually alone with her in her room.

I was actually alone with her in her room.

Alone!

And I was growling, Boris, you know how I can growl!

And I was growling, Boris, you know how I can growl!

Well,

she

she

she treated me like a charity case!

she treated me like a charity case!

She was [crying],

she was sorry for me!

she was sorry for me!

- Room 1114, you say?

But I know that girl.

I met her tonight.

I walked her back to her room.

I walked her back to her room.

No wonder you couldn't frighten her.

She's completely preoccupied.

She's completely preoccupied.

Utterly absorbed in an emotion

Utterly absorbed in an emotion

as primitive as your pattern of terror.

as primitive as your pattern of terror.

She's in love!

That reminds me.

That reminds me.

Long distance?

Ring Charles Stevenson in Indianapolis.

Ring Charles Stevenson in Indianapolis.

The Stevenson Ultrasonics Corporation.

The Stevenson Ultrasonics Corporation.

Charge it to room 17 and say that Boris Karloff is calling.

Charge it to room 17 and say that Boris Karloff is calling.

Yes, my dear, yes, this is Boris Karloff.

Yes, my dear, yes, this is Boris Karloff.

- What on Earth is this?

- What on Earth is this?

I come with documentary evidence and he calls Indianapolis.

I come with documentary evidence and he calls Indianapolis.

- Stevenson.

This is Karloff speaking.

This is Karloff speaking.

Yes, yes, Boris Karloff.

Mr. Stevenson, are you still there?

Mr. Stevenson, are you still there?

Well, now, it's about this girl, Molly Cross.

Well, now, it's about this girl, Molly Cross.

How big a fool are you, Stevenson?

Don't you know how much she loves you?

Don't you know how much she loves you?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm calling quite independently.

I'm quite sure if she knew I was calling you

I'm quite sure if she knew I was calling you

she'd fly away forever.

she'd fly away forever.

Not at all, Stevenson, my pleasure, goodbye.

Not at all, Stevenson, my pleasure, goodbye.

Peter, Lon.

You did an unscrupulous thing frightening

You did an unscrupulous thing frightening

these girls the way you did, but, uh,

you've almost convinced me that maybe

you've almost convinced me that maybe

the old ways are the best after all,

the old ways are the best after all,

that a new wave in horror pictures,

the adult horror, so to speak, might be the wrong technique.

the adult horror, so to speak, might be the wrong technique.

But, we must be sure, using this girl, Molly Cross,

But, we must be sure, using this girl, Molly Cross,

But, we must be sure, using this girl, Molly Cross,

as the ultimate test.

If we can frighten her, gentlemen,

If we can frighten her, gentlemen,

a woman in love, we can frighten anybody and everybody.

a woman in love, we can frighten anybody and everybody.

[playful music]

[chattering] [pounding]

[chattering] [pounding]

- This morning's seminar I call Our Enemy, The Boss.

- This morning's seminar I call Our Enemy, The Boss.

- This morning's seminar I call Our Enemy, The Boss.

And a gal can waste a lot of time thinking

her boss is a girl's best friend.

her boss is a girl's best friend.

Certainly we executive secretaries know this,

Certainly we executive secretaries know this,

but from time to time, we're gonna be called upon

to break in new girls.

to break in new girls.

Teach them this.

To give the boss efficiency, performance, loyalty

To give the boss efficiency, performance, loyalty

To give the boss efficiency, performance, loyalty

but nothing of themselves.

Nothing of their personal selves.

Nothing of their personal selves.

If they do, disillusion, even heartbreak can result.

If they do, disillusion, even heartbreak can result.

Molly, do you mind?

For the last five conventions,

I've tried to tell Molly Cross open your eyes.

I've tried to tell Molly Cross open your eyes.

Stop spoiling the boss.

Stop spoiling the boss.

Stop letting him know how you feel.

Stop letting him know how you feel.

But no, not Molly.

She brought him his slippers in the morning

She brought him his slippers in the morning

and his shoes at the end of the day.

and his shoes at the end of the day.

She ground his coffee for him, a special blend, mind you.

She ground his coffee for him, a special blend, mind you.

She even preheated his cup!

Why, geisha girls couldn't have measured

Why, geisha girls couldn't have measured

up to her performance.

She treated him with love and affection

She treated him with love and affection

instead of professional detachment

instead of professional detachment

and girls, I ask you to view the consequences.

and girls, I ask you to view the consequences.

I ask you to look at poor Molly Cross!

I ask you to look at poor Molly Cross!

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- Molly!

Molly.

Would you step outside a minute?

I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you.

- Mr. Stevenson, you shouldn't have come

all the way from Indianapolis.

all the way from Indianapolis.

- Are you coming out or not?

- Are you coming out or not?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Stevenson.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Stevenson.

- Very well.

- Very well.

[playful music]

- Mr. Stevenson, what are you doing?

- Taking you to the Justice of the Peace.

- Taking you to the Justice of the Peace.

Molly, you're marrying me today.

- But, you're engaged!

- But, you're engaged!

- I can always get another fiancee.

I'll never get another secretary like you.

I'll never get another secretary like you.

[chattering]

[romantic music]

[romantic music]

- Please, Mr. Stevenson.

- Please, Mr. Stevenson.

- Not only have you spoiled me,

but I love you.

- What?

- What?

- I love you!

- There's the girl.

[eerie music]

[eerie music]

- That proves it.

The old ghosts are the best after all.

The old ghosts are the best after all.

And the power of all three of us in one picture.

Can you imagine it?

Can you imagine it?

Why it's almost too ghastly to contemplate.

Why it's almost too ghastly to contemplate.

[romantic music]

[romantic music]

- Molly.

Molly.

Molly.

Molly, darling, you look as though you've seen a ghost.

Molly, darling, you look as though you've seen a ghost.

- I didn't see anything but you, Mr. Stevenson.

- I didn't see anything but you, Mr. Stevenson.

I never have.

It's the first time you've kissed me!

It's the first time you've kissed me!

I guess it, it went to my head.

I guess it, it went to my head.

[playful music] [laughing]

[playful music] [laughing]

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

Collins is after you.

Got a find a place to hide you.

Got a find a place to hide you.

Come on!

[laughing]

[mysterious music]

- [Peter] Tod's the young man who is responsible

- [Peter] Tod's the young man who is responsible

for the whole thing.

Meet Mr. Karloff.

- [Tod] How do you do?

- [Tod] How do you do?

- Mr. Chaney.

- [Tod] How do you do?

- [Tod] How do you do?

- I see it, but I don't believe it.

- I see it, but I don't believe it.

- Well, gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to serve you.

Now, if you'll just relax a minute, um,

Now, if you'll just relax a minute, um,

Mr. Murdock, my assistant, and I

will go out and divert the chase.

will go out and divert the chase.

Oh, I suggest you get out of those outfits

as soon as possible.

as soon as possible.

By the way, good luck on your new venture.

By the way, good luck on your new venture.

- [Lon] Thank you.

[playful music]

[playful music]

- No hard feelings?

[laughing]

- When you warned me, you weren't just kidding, were you?

- When you warned me, you weren't just kidding, were you?

- Fresh start?

- Yeah, alright.

- Yeah, alright.

We'll split the secretaries right down the middle.

19 for you and 20 for me.

19 for you and 20 for me.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That makes 39.

That makes 39.

There were 40 secretaries.

What happened to the other one?

What happened to the other one?

- Well, there's one of them, Tod,

we can both forget.

Molly Cross, fairest of them all.

Molly Cross, fairest of them all.

- That way, Lieutenant!

- That way, Lieutenant!

[playful music]

[growls] [laughing]

[growls] [laughing]

- This is Martin Milner.

Now George Maharis takes you on a preview

Now George Maharis takes you on a preview

of our next Route 66.

- [George Maharis] It all started out so happily.

Tod, and Emily and I went to the station

Tod, and Emily and I went to the station

to meet the maid of honor.

She didn't show up, but a killer did.

She didn't show up, but a killer did.

[clattering]

[clattering]

[gun firing]

- I want to explain my logic to you.

- I want to explain my logic to you.

I can't drive, I need a driver, that's you.

I can't drive, I need a driver, that's you.

In case you think it's worth the risk

In case you think it's worth the risk

to try to jump me, I won't shoot you, necessarily.

to try to jump me, I won't shoot you, necessarily.

I'll shoot whatever target there is.

That means man, woman or child.

That means man, woman or child.

Is that the man you're going to marry?

Is that the man you're going to marry?

He makes you smile.

He makes you smile.

Suppose I told you he's gonna die?

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- [George Maharis] Look for us in Cleveland, Ohio

- [George Maharis] Look for us in Cleveland, Ohio

on the next episode of Route 66

and welcome to the wedding!

Starring will be Rod Steiger

Starring will be Rod Steiger

in one of his most brilliant performances.

in one of his most brilliant performances.

[mellow jazzy music]

[mellow jazzy music]

- [Narrator] This has been a Screen Gems film presentation.

- [Narrator] This has been a Screen Gems film presentation.

Herbert B. Leonard, Executive Producer.

Herbert B. Leonard, Executive Producer.

[END CREDITS]