Original subtitles

♪ [dramatic]

Shit! Shit!

Just relax, man!

Relax? Man, this is too heavy.

I can't relax.

Jackson.

Sir.

Are you packing?

Has anybody got a gun?

I got a Beretta.

A Beretta? That's great.

That's just great.

That ain't gonna do shit!

Look, calm down!

Calm down?

Do you know the fucking mess we're in?

This is a fucking disaster!

Shut up!

You'll be at C Station soon.

Hey, we gonna be fine!

Let me tell you what's going on, man.

We should have called somebody.

The telephone's no good, man.

It listens... Listens to everything!

Shit! What's that?

What's up?

[machine gunfire]

Hey, everybody out!

Go! Move!

Run! Go, boys, go!

Uhh!

Shit!

Aah!

[knocks]

Hi. Frank McCall.

The National Scandal?

Yes, ma'am.

Yep. Louise and I have all sorts

of unique and unusual animals.

Like the dog. The dog?

The dog.

The two-headed dog.

A two-headed dog?

We grow 'em.

[dog whining]

[growling, snarling]

[barking]

Whoa! What...

We're working on a three-header.

[dog barks]

And then the martian took my wallet

and flew off in his flying saucer.

Damned illegal alien!

There were no flying saucers, J.D.!

There sure was a flying saucer!

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Now, you saw a flying saucer, right?

Yes. I saw a flying saucer.

Well, did it have lights?

Yeah, it had lights.

Tail lights.

So, a martian stole your wallet

and flew off down the street in his flying saucer.

Yep. That's it.

Instead of a martian, do you think...

Do you think it was a goat?

A goat?

Yeah, yeah. You know, one of them mutant goats.

I've seen one of them!

Well, it did have horns.

Great.

Hell, yes. And you can quote me on that!

[camera shutter snaps]

[airplane engine]

[tires squeal]

[indistinct airport P.A. announcements]

[coins clatter inside machine]

Look who it is.

Hey, McCall. You win any Pulitzers lately?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Cab driver] So, you're into the big "E," Elvis.

That's great. That's cool.

He's, uh... he's a regular of mine.

I pick him up every Friday night

at 14th and Pennsylvania;

Wants to go to RFK Stadium.

The place is totally vacant.

He comes in drag, stands in the parking lot,

singing Cole Porter tunes till 3 A.M.

When he's done, I take him back,

and that's it.

Well, one night...

And this is the truth, I'm telling you.

One night he says,

"This has been rather special."

And I'm like, "Oh, okay."

He starts singing Teddy Bear,

and he wants to give me a hand-job.

This is Elvis today.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

I've seen him myself.

[rings]

[machine recording] Hi, this is Frank.

You know what to do.

[Rogers] You scumbag!

Frankie, where the hell are you?

I've left 6 messages already.

Don't you ever answer this damn thing?

So help me, if you're there

and you don't pick this phone up, Frank,

we're through. Capisce? You're fired.

You won't get a job working for...

Hi, Rogers.

Don't you "hi, Rogers" me.

Where the hell are your photographs?

How come they're not here in my hot, little hand?

How come my presses are running

without your goddamn photographs?

You've got them. I got 'em?

I got 'em. That's why I'm calling you, right?

Look, Rogers, you've got 'em.

I gave 'em to Sandy at... over 3 hours ago.

[sniffs]

Uh-huh. Good. All right.

All right, they're here.

[Frank] I know.

Yeah, you know. Listen, you owe me.

I owe you? For what?

For, uh, uh... for, uh...

Look, a memoranda. I need you to go

down to Clarksburg Air Base this morning.

What?

Listen, some Air Force guys

got the shit blown out of them

by some wackos or something. I don't know.

It sounds like an intersting story.

Rogers, I just got home.

Yeah, well, I need the story,

so I want you to get your ass down there

and recover it, you got me?

Drag in the mutant babies.

Give me the martian goats. I don't care.

Just make it good and make it juicy.

Tomorrow's issue is looking pretty thin.

Rogers, you're crazy. I'm...

Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm crazy, right?

Tell me something I don't already know.

You want to keep making the big bucks,

you get down there and give me a good story,

you got it?

[hangs up]

Rogers. Rogers!

[sighs]

Oh!

Bastard.

[police dispatcher] Yeah. We've got 4 bodies

in the woods.

One black man and 3 Caucasian males.

They all appear to be...

Over here!

Clarksburg Air Base.

We're gonna need some help,

so you better...

[Man] Over here! Come check this out!

Chuck.

I got 4 bodies in the woods,

all Air Force men.

But there's something you really need to see.

[shutter snapping]

Who the hell are you?

Press.

Which fucking press?

Washington Post.

Let me see some I.D.

Come on.

Look, I'm not really with The Washington Post.

National Scandal?

Son, I'm embarrassed for you.

My wife subscribes.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Tell me, who is that guy?

Him? That's Captain Anders.

I'm Sheriff Sprig.

That's spelled S-P-R-I...

FBI? No! County Sheriff.

No. Anders.

Oh, he's DOD.

DOD? What's that?

Department of Defense.

Jesus!

"Airman John T. Jackson."

Jesus Christ.

[shutter snapping]

That's what I was talking about.

A mite strange, don't you think?

Martians, no doubt. Eh, McCall?

Can I quote you on that, captain?

If you've photographed the site,

tag 'em and bag 'em.

Get 'em to the local coroner.

Howdy.

Captain.

Colonel.

Report.

If you want a report,

you should speak with Sheriff Sprig here.

I'm asking you.

An interdepartmental courtesy.

5 men are dead, 4 of them shot with 5.56 ammo.

M-16s.

The fifth... well, you tell me.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

All of these men are from your base, sir.

Now, you look here, captain. I've got a major weapons test

for Congress tonight, and I don't want it fucked with!

I don't know why DOD has you down here,

but you rock the boat on me one more time

and I'll come down on you like spit uranium.

You conduct your investigation,

but keep a low profile. You got it?

Yes, sir!

Is that all?

Yes.

Carry on.

Oh, Mr. McCall.

Colonel Faraday is ready for his interview now.

[typing]

I need the flying pig disk.

Right there.

Great. Thanks. Mm-hmm.

[giggles]

[telephone rings]

Scandal.

Hi, Sandy. It's Frank.

Hey, Frank. How do you spell "inviscerate"?

It's eviscerate.

E-V-I-S-C-E-R-A-T-E.

What are you doing,

writing a resignation letter?

Very funny.

Look, I'm calling long-distance.

Put "Scumby" on the line, okay?

Rog, Frank's on 1.

Uhh! It's not "unhuman." It's inhuman.

Use a dictionary for Chrissakes.

Oh, Frank! Thank God!

Somebody literate for a change!

I'm drowning in morons around here!

What do you got for me?

Pretty weird shit.

Most of these guys were shot,

but one was fried.

Fried? What fried? Like what?

Like they don't know what hit the poor bastard.

I got some great pictures, though.

It's even got the military spooked.

Oh, that's great! That sounds great!

Yeah. Well, I'd like to stick around here

for another day and see what I can dig up.

Are you gonna cover my expenses?

All right, all right. One more day.

But this better be good.

Yeah. Well, they're having some sort of a test

of a new Stealth plane tonight at Clarksburg.

I think I can sneak in.

I think it would be a good angle.

I like it, I like it.

Listen, make it juicy, babe.

Right. Right.

Bye.

[hangs up]

[telephone rings in outer office]

Christ! Who wrote this shit?

[P.A. announcement] Will Captain Johnson

please report to hangar 42?

Look, Airman, I had that pass not a moment ago!

I must have dropped the damn thing!

We got ours at the same time.

She still has hers.

Maybe it's down here someplace.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I had the engineers double-check the analogs.

They should be more responsive now.

Sir, it's gonna be okay.

Heck, the way your boys

have programmed this thing,

it barely needs a pilot.

Yeah, I know. It's just that...

Sir, I know what this means.

To you, to the program.

A lot's riding on tonight.

Just remember, it's my ass

in the saddle up there.

I'm not gonna make any mistakes.

I want these folks to see

what this baby can do.

All right, Scott.

I'm proud to have you on my team.

Vaya con dios.

Un carne, or whatever it is they say.

Captain Maynard, we're ready.

Colonel, they're waiting for you in the flight line.

System online.

ASMODS online.

What else is new?

How much did this cost?

The Reds are gonna crap.

[plane engine starts]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

America's deterrent for the next century...

The F-23.

This ship is radar invisible

and capable of speeds approaching Mach 5.

On board is the Asmodeous program,

a computer system that not only

redirects enemy radar

but helps define offensive

and defensive strategies for the pilot.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, look over there.

Asmodeous software provides America

with a killing edge on tomorrow's battlefields.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, observe.

The F-23 in action.

[all applauding]

This is the cockpit. All systems A-OK.

Starting my attack.

Ground control, we've got a problem here.

Abort program. Switch to manual, Scott.

Come on, baby, restart.

[beeps]

Switched to manual.

Jesus!

Come on, baby, abort.

Abort, damn it!

God damn it, I said abort!

God damn it, abort!

This is not the target run.

Abort your attack.

[gunfire]

Scott, what the hell's going on up there?

Thank you, Lord.

[explosion]

[onlookers react]

Shit!

[shutter snapping]

You, come with us, God damn it.

Watch the camera, will you?

Come on, boys.

[Klaxon]

I want you to hold this guy here

till I get back.

He's violated a restricted area.

Yes, sir.

Come on, Anders.

[shutter snapping]

Oh, very funny. You break that,

you bought it. Ha ha ha ha!

[P.A. announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

everything's under control.

Please exit calmly through the east gate.

[sirens in distance]

What, are you gonna ask me for a date or something?

You're Frank McCall,

newspaper reporter.

Born June 24, 1958.

Yeah?

Robert.

What the hell do you want?

Every time I've got a project,

I've had you right behind me,

trying to staple my ass to the floor!

What do you think happened?

How the hell do I know?

The damn plane had 500 hours of testing.

We had all the bugs worked out.

Do you realize how fast Congress

is gonna pull the plug on this one?

Who was the pilot?

Scott Maynard.

Damn good man.

[P.A. announcement] Will Captain Johnson

please report to hangar 42?

Get in.

Look, I think Captain Anders wants me to wait here

until he gets back.

Get in!

Fuck!

What the hell do you want anyway, captain?

Look, Robert. We're down here...

You have nothing to do with this project!

Hey, hey! There goes your boy.

Hey, guys, uh...

don't you think it's a little dark for shades?

So, where are we going, huh?

I know this is a military installation,

but I've still got rights, you know.

This doesn't look like

the way to the stockade to me.

[siren]

Where the hell's he going?

I told you to hold him here

till I got back.

Is this more of your shit?

You better watch yourself, Captain.

Airman, where are they taking that man?

You better answer me, son!

This kid looks sick.

Airman, give me your weapon.

Did you hear me, son? Uhh!

Oh!

No! No!

[gunshots]

Uhh!

Uhh!

Colonel, you've got a hell of a problem here.

Hey!

All right, I'm going.

The hell with this!

Hey, come on, guys!

Guys, can't we talk about this?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Okay. Why don't you just let me go,

and nobody's gonna hear about this, okay?

Hey, come on. Come on, guys, huh?

No needles, man, huh? I pass out!

Blood and stuff, you know?

I really hate needles!

I'm not like most people.

Pain really bothers me!

Hey. Hey!

Hey!

Freeze! Nobody move! Nobody fucking move!

[gunfire]

Don't move, scumbag, or you're next!

Hold it! Wait!

[gunshots]

Jesus!

Get me out of this!

Get me out of this chair!

Right now, God damn it!

Right fucking now!

You guys are really heading for it this time!

I'm gonna sue your asses!

The CIA, the FBI, the Air Force!

You're gonna find out

what power of the press can really do, buddy!

Shut up.

Illegal seizure, no reading of rights,

inhuman treatment, and endangering a prisoner!

Would you shut up?

What'd they say?

They didn't say nothing.

Fucking mo-mos, man.

Space cadets!

Probably CIA.

No. They weren't CIA.

Teenage martian ninjas, then.

Ha ha! Very funny!

You should sit in this damn chair

and let them stick you with glo-juice.

I wonder what this shit is.

You've got some questions to answer, Mr. McCall.

Oh, yeah? Well, I want my camera!

Give me my fucking camera!

Relax, Briggs. This is DOD 613.

All I want is my camera!

It's how I make my living!

You ever hear of the First Amendment?

Clarksburg Base, this is DOD 613.

Are you listening to me?

Here. Get out of my face!

Still can't get 'em.

Why? It's the radio.

I can't reach anything.

Try a different channel.

I tried a different channel. They're all static.

There's no film.

Let me try this.

What happened to the film in here?

Clarksburg, this is DOD 613.

Guys... Clarksburg...

Hey, guys, there was film in here!

What happened to it?

You were in a restricted area.

What did you do with it?

You was photographing a secret project.

So what?

So, I wanted to see how it came out.

Don't say a word! Not one damn word!

If you weren't so damn stupid,

I'd drop you down a hole for 15 years.

So don't say anything

that'll make me change my mind, huh?

Yeah, peckerbreath.

Peckerbreath, huh?

You learn big words like that in the Army?

Yeah. Where'd you learn to be such a dick?

We've got to contact the base.

Find a phone.

There's a convenience store

about 2 miles back.

Right. Harvey, you stay here.

Harvey. Ha ha ha ha!

I'll take peckerbreath with me.

Clarksburg, Clarksburg, this is DOD 613.

Do you copy? Over.

[static]

So, what do you think is going on, Captain?

Hey, you're not gonna interview me.

Who said anything about interviewing you?

I just wanted to ask you what you think is going on.

You're recording. You're trying to interview me.

Shut it off!

Off!

[turns off recorder]

I was not gonna interview you.

You were. You were trying to record.

I just wanted to ask you a few questions.

You were trying to record me

'cause you're a sneaky bastard.

Am I right? I just wanted

to find out what you think

about all of this.

Don't. Don't ask.

'Cause I wouldn't tell you

even if I knew.

Jeez.

What? You don't understand that?

I've got responsibilities

and duties. Yeah, yeah.

You can't see my point of view.

Hey. Typical.

Typical of that sleazebag rag

you write for.

Hey, what is that?

What's what? Back there.

That's where we came from.

Harvey's back there.

[tires squealing]

[gunshots]

[groans]

[tires squeal]

[gunfire]

Oh, no! Get down!

Shit! God damn it!

Mayday, mayday! Anyone! We're under fire!

We gotta get to Briggs.

Holy shit!

Aah!

Harvey!

[gunshots]

Wait! I got another camera here, okay?

Wait! Wait, wait!

Go, go, go!

How come every time

anyone tries to photograph something spectacular,

it's with a shitty camera?

[tires squeal]

[rear view mirror clatters]

Having some problems, Captain?

[tires squeal]

So, what are we gonna do, huh?

This guy's with me.

Can I borrow your phone?

Sure.

Hey. Hey!

Sergeant.

Sir?

Take this down to the photo lab.

I want it processed immediately.

As soon as you've got prints,

bring them to me at Carl Faraday's.

But sir,

they're in the conference room right now.

What am I supposed to tell these people?

In here. Yes, sir.

That film is my private property.

Shh, shh!

That's my evidence!

Would you shut up?

[Woman] Tell them that there is a fault,

there's a problem,

and we are working on it.

We will get back to them as soon as...

It's my fucking UFO!

It's gonna be your ass!

It wasn't the engine. I'll swear by that.

Hardware I understand.

I agree. I think it was in the software systems,

within Asmodeous.

And the program?

Nobody understands it.

I don't. Dr. Resnick doesn't.

Hell, we don't even know who designed it.

The contractor is classified.

Colonel, it's not just the crash, although God knows

that's an embarrassing setback.

It's all variations of Asmodeous.

Even the defense systems.

All of the programs are changing.

What do you mean?

Tell them what you found.

We recovered the flight recorder

from the F-23 wreckage.

We ran an RSMD fault check

on the on-board DDF-39.

The short version

is that the program driving the flight

wasn't the one we loaded.

It's as if... well, as if it rewrote itself.

Oh, I don't buy that.

Do you understand it?

Yeah. That kid from Harvard

infected it with his computer virus.

[chuckles]

In all seriousness, colonel,

everyone at Aerotech

appreciates what you've done for this program.

You gave new life to the F-23 with Asmodeous

when the whole country

was screaming to pull the plug.

Hell, your programs redesigned the project.

But we think there's a problem.

Talk to those secret contractors.

See what they have to say.

Sure. I'll contact them immediately.

Well, I believe, um...

I think that's all that we can do tonight.

We'll take it up again in the morning, 0900.

Oh, my God.

What have I done?

Captain! Captain!

Already? That's fast!

Well, the processor's been working all night long,

what with the crash and all.

All right! Ah, these are great!

Oh, these are gonna look fantastic

on the front page!

It's hard to believe I got these

with a disk camera.

You wait here.

[typing]

[knock on door]

[sighs]

4 more men are dead.

My partner Harvey Briggs may be among them.

Where did you take these?

No question about their authenticity?

Down by the Aerotech warehouses.

My God.

Hey, guys.

What the hell is he doing here?

You forgot this one.

Thought the colonel might want to see it.

He was with you?

Wait outside.

Yeah, sure.

I'll just set these down over here.

Oh, and Colonel Faraday,

when you're finished talking to Captain Anders,

maybe I could have a...

Get out!

What's going on here, Bob?

That ship wasn't one of ours,

and it sure as hell wasn't Russian!

Sit down, Harry.

My team found it 2 years ago in New Mexico,

when we were searching for the wreckage of the F-22...

The project you helped kill, Harry.

[P.A. announcement] Paging Captain Willard.

What can I do for you gentlemen?

[gunshot and scream]

It contained no life, no bacteria, nothing.

Pure machine.

We couldn't make it fly,

but we discovered how to tap into its computer.

The programs were incredibly advanced,

self-generating.

[sighs]

Hey, Harvey. My God, you're all righ...

[gun cocks]

[gunshot]

And you developed these programs into...

Automated systems

managing offensive/ defensive strategies.

A-S-M-O-D-S.

Asmodeous.

But now I think there's more in the programs

than we thought.

Some kind of a... subtext.

An entity.

An intelligence.

Like a computer virus.

And I think it's escaped.

How?

Into the datanet.

Through the telephone lines.

What's up?

Zombies, man. Fucking zombies.

[gunfire]

Get them! Christ, captain!

Go!

Uhh!

I saw Harvey.

Where? Was he all right?

No. He's one of them.

What are you talking about?

They sucked his brain out, lobotomized him!

Cut the shit!

Like what they tried to do to me, okay?

[Big Harvey] Fall in!

Uhh!

[gunshots]

Oh, my God!

[Big Harvey] Seize the command center!

Prepare them for enlightenment!

This thing's taken over.

It takes over people!

We've gotta sever the phone lines

before it infects

every computer in the country.

What are you talking about?

You write this shit.

You figure it out.

We've got to warn Washington,

but not by phone. They could be listening

to everything we're saying.

Come on.

Wait. Hey!

[shutter snaps]

Don't crap out on me now, baby.

You remember how to fly an airplane?

I'm not sure. That was back in 'Nam.

I'm glad you're still so ballsy, captain.

You're gonna need it.

Holy shit, it's the Stealth!

[explosions in distance]

It's not quite as advanced as the F-23,

but at least the bugs are worked out of it.

Give me that. Hey!

Think you can handle it?

Me?

Couldn't you get an old Phantom?

Maybe even a Piper Cub?

This one's radar invisible.

There'll be a better chance of making it...

if you don't get shot down first.

Shit. Keep her subsonic.

That way you're more invisible.

Unless, of course, you get shot down first.

[explosions in distance]

Now, if you could handle a Phantom in Vietnam,

you can handle anything.

It's like the Phantom.

Yeah, yeah. Just more buttons.

[gunshot]

[Frank] Jesus Christ!

Where are you going?

You're gonna need some cover.

I never meant to hurt my country.

I know.

[machine gunfire in distance]

Good luck.

[machine gunfire in distance]

Okay. All right.

[shutter snaps]

Okay, McCall, you can go.

I can... I can go?

What... what do you mean, I can go?

Go find a place. Go hide.

That's crazy! I want to go with you!

Besides, you don't...

You don't want to do this alone.

What?

You don't, do you?

Well, do you?

I mean, come on.

Hey, come on. You're Superman.

I want to see you kick some ass!

[machine gunfire in distance]

Help me move the wheel blocks.

All right. Now you're talking.

Go hit the switch by the doors.

Huh? The hangar doors.

Oh, okay.

Please, Lord, don't let me fuck up.

An F-19. Too cool, daddy-o!

1-17-B.

What?

The F-19 was a smokescreen.

This is a 1-17-B.

What's the "B" stand for?

[sighs] Shut up.

I sure hope it doesn't stand for broken.

Forward thrust indicator. Altimeter. Fuel gauge.

You do know how to fly this thing, don't you?

Don't talk.

[powering up]

Okay.

[Klaxon]

It might help to put it in gear first.

Brake release, brake release.

There it is.

[beeps]

Maybe I should have stayed behind after all.

[explosions, gunfire in distance]

[gunfire]

Holy shit! Come on, come on, come on!

Get us out of here!

Put a sock in it, will ya?

Come on, you can do it!

God! Come on! Hurry it up!

Get us out of here!

Come on, baby. Come on.

[gunfire]

Go, go, go!

Yeehaw! Yeah!

[Klaxon]

[Big Harvey] Scramble interceptors!

[Big Harvey] Faraday, how dare you think

you can re-program me?

Your pathetic reign is over!

Damn, Harry, you're one bad son of a bitch.

It sure is beautiful up here.

600 knots.

Where should we land?

National, I guess.

Closer to the Pentagon.

Heh heh heh! They're sure gonna shit

when you bring this thing in.

ETA, 20 minutes.

Shit! They've made us!

What are you doing? You're going the wrong way!

Hey, we were lucky

to get off the ground, Captain Ramjet!

Don't let it go to your head!

Would you rather have a missile in your face

or up your ass?

Have I got a choice?

All the electronic crap. Jesus.

Missile lock.

What are you doing?

We got a sidewinder. A what?

Heat-seeking missile.

Holy shit!

You're crazy, man!

We may have lost him.

Dropping back down to sub-mach speed.

Where is he? Don't you have him on radar?

I gotta figure out how to make it work.

You can't? And we just fired a missile?

Mayday, mayday! This is Captain Anders,

flying an F-19.

Andrews Tower, come in.

[Man on radio] This is Andrews Tower.

Did you say you were flying an F-19?

Affirmative, Andrews.

Request permission to...

[rapid gunfire]

Christ!

Sir?

I just got a distress call

from a Captain Anders

who claims he's flying an F-19.

I have positive track on a contact

roaring in just under Mach 2.

He's heading for D.C.

Still?

You couldn't track that.

No, sir. Level of transponder

reads it as an F-16.

What's the nature of the distress?

Says he's under fire.

Is that squad from Oceana still up?

Yes, sir. About 40 miles south of his position.

Have them investigate.

[firing]

He's faster than we are!

[Man] I don't know, Andrews.

I think somebody's pulling your chain.

Christ! Holy shit!

Andrews Tower, we got an air battle going on up here!

[Controller] They're skating all over the place!

Contact Strategic Air Command.

We've got an F-16 chasing down a Stealth plane.

This is a fighter! What are your instructions?

The Falcon is refusing our signal!

In 20 seconds,

they're in missile range of the White House.

I say again, this is Captain Harry Anders

of the Department of Defense!

This is an emergency!

We're on a Priority One mission!

This isn't happening!

Andrews, the Falcon is eating the Stealth plane alive!

I've switch on missile targeting systems.

The Falcon's definitely the aggressor here.

What are your instructions?

Alpha, strike the Falcon.

Shit!

We're gonna drop a plane on someone.

National Airport,

request permission for an emergency landing.

[airport controller] National Airport is closed

to general traffic at this hour.

Well, open it up, lady, cause we're coming in anyway!

Hold it together, baby. Come on.

Cheese and crackers!

Gentlemen, please come with me.

I need to speak

to General Anheiser immediately.

Yeah. And I need to get to a telephone.

Do you realize this is treason?

I'm your commander, damn it!

[Big Harvey] Not anymore!

You're programmed so weak, colonel.

Constrict things.

You're the one who needs re-programming.

What do you want?

What are you doing to my men, to my base?

[Big Harvey] You wanted to extort me

to help you.

I intend to the top

you don't seem to have the balls for.

Aah!

Now, you left the Air Force in 1976.

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Just trying to establish credibility.

So the two of you stole the F-19

because the base was under attack by a UFO?

Did you know the average Washington commuter

drives about 200 miles a year

with his eyes closed?

The blinking, you know?

You blink about once every 5 seconds.

Could we stick with the topic, Mr. McCall?

How many times do I have to tell you?

Colonel Faraday told us to take the plane!

Let's talk about your partner Harvey Briggs.

And you say they stole his brain?

You got it.

Blew up a gas truck? Yes.

Shot down a helicopter? Yep.

And an F-16? That's correct.

Hmm. Ask Anders!

Ask McCall!

Your newspaper's reputation

isn't exactly sterling, is it?

No fucking kidding.

Look, don't I get a phone call or something?

This is still America!

What do you mean by that statement, Mr. McCall?

Jesus Christ.

Now, you understand that we don't want to

go public with these speculations until we...

You guys just dropped a plane into the Potomac River!

Don't you think somebody noticed?

[door opens]

Pictures processed.

Fake?

Analysts don't think so,

but they're still testing.

There! You've got your damn proof!

Now contact General Anheiser!

At least call Clarksburg, see what they have to say!

Captain Anders, we've already talked to Clarksburg.

Aside from the crash

of an experimental plane last night,

they report nothing unusual.

I told you, they brainwash people and...

Captain, if I were you,

I'd start thinking about your career.

You little shit! When this gets out,

it'll be your career going down the toilet, not mine!

Maybe we should give them a call.

It's 4 A.M.

A stolen Stealth and a downed 16 alone

warrant a critique.

That's right, dickhead.

Show some damn initiative!

[helicopter engine]

General Anheiser, I'm Agent Drexel,

intelligence officer on this incident.

You boys better not be shitting me!

[exhales]

What the hell is your first name again?

Frank.

Frank McCall.

You're eating this up with a spoon, aren't you?

I'm hungry.

I'm not talking about the damn pancakes.

This whole mess...

Everything that's happened.

What, the UFO?

Fantastic!

Makes my bellybutton pucker.

You know, all my life,

I've waited for something like this.

A real story.

God, I hate my paper.

The National Scandal?

Mm-hmm.

It's embarrassing.

"Two-headed babies."

"My grandmother ate an alien."

[sighs]

I don't know. After this,

I guess I won't have to go back there anymore.

[coughs] God!

That's no good for you, captain.

Here. Have some more.

So, tell me,

how come you're not too popular around here?

What'd they say?

Nothing.

I don't know.

Just an attitude.

I get the feeling

that you're not one of their pals.

Off the record?

Sure. Off the record.

'Cause I don't like

sticking my nose up assholes, that's why.

Ha ha! When you've been around

this defense business as long as I have,

you see more waste and incompetence

than you can imagine.

Nobody's interested in doing the job right.

Stupid sons of bitches.

Just interested in sucking up money.

I tried to straighten things up.

Guess I rocked the boat once too often.

You're a dying breed, Harry.

A man with principles.

It's a rare thing, charging down windmills.

That's why you're still a captain.

Mm.

So, why don't you give it up?

The DOD, the Air Force, the whole crapper.

'Cause I love 'em.

The same way you love your kid

when he's strung out on drugs

or wrecks the family car.

You a family man, Harry?

Was.

Divorced now.

Short version...

McCall's a flake!

Works for the National Scandal.

Zero credibility.

Aw, Christ!

Anders is DOD. A loose cannon.

Not a team player.

He was one of those guys who helped

scuttle the F-22 a few years back.

Oh, yeah.

The Ralph Nader of Defense.

Not enough bang for the buck. I remember.

Makes no sense.

If they're trying to steal the Stealth

and they're being chased by a 16 out of Clarksburg,

why doesn't this pilot respond?

And why doesn't Clarksburg?

Why the hell would we even take out

our own goddamn chaser?

Maybe the pilot was in on it.

A Soviet defection,

and maybe the deal went sour.

Or what they claim is true.

An alien invasion?

Heh heh heh heh heh!

I like his story better.

[clinks]

[groans]

Hey, General Patton.

I gotta take a dump. Where's the head, huh?

Gentlemen, can I help you?

What's this?

Thank you.

Aw, you're not gonna come in and help me wipe?

I could strangle myself on the paper.

[hinges squeak]

Asshole.

[gun cocks]

[silenced gunshot]

Harvey!

[Big Harvey] Asmodeous.

Asmodeous.

Asmodeous.

[recorder playback] Automated systems

managing offensive/ defensive strategies.

A-S-M-O-D-S. Asmodeous.

But now I think there's more in the programs

than we thought.

Some kind of a subtext.

An entity.

An intelligence.

Like a computer virus.

And I think it's escaped.

How?

Into the datanet.

Through the phone lines.

[thud outside stall]

Oh, Jesus.

Aah!

[helmet emitting electronic hum]

Harvey!

[clicks]

Uhh!

Uhh!

You could explain to the President

that we think it was theft.

The press is gonna love that.

What in the damn Pentagon?

Security alert!

Mess hall, corridor "A."

[Klaxon]

Uhh!

Freeze! Don't shoot him!

[fires]

[gunshots]

Uhh!

Oh, shit. Oh, man.

[helmet emitting electronic hum]

God damn it. Get a medic.

[beeps]

This is General Anheiser.

We've got a medical emergency.

Mess hall, corridor "A."

Come on, you bastard.

Don't you go over on me.

You gotta breathe.

Come on. You've gotta breathe.

Come on, breathe!

Don't you give up!

Come on!

You gotta breathe.

[Big Harvey] Come to me!

Come on! Breathe, Harry!

God damn it, breathe!

Don't you give in!

[Big Harvey] Anders!

[Frank] Now stay with me!

[coughs]

That's it. Come on.

[coughs] That's it.

Breathe. Come on.

[coughs]

[relieved laugh] Come on, Harry.

[coughs]

Hey, Harry. Hey, Harry, what's your name?

[coughs] What the hell kind of question is that?

[coughs] It's just part

of the interview.

What a dream. [coughs]

Nightmare.

These guys will take care of you.

[coughs]

So you're General Budweiser, huh?

Anheiser!

So, what do you think, general?

U.S. technology?

Or maybe it's Russian.

Son, you're a smartass.

Yes, sir.

So, this is the brainwasher.

Get it analyzed and get him out of here!

You're gonna let him go?

Son, you print any of this crap

without my approval,

I'm gonna squash your nuts.

Get over to Fort Beldoir.

I want some choppers on me,

ready to fly to Clarksburg in 2 hours.

We're gonna find out what's going on.

General, how about I come...

Get him out!

Come on, general. You're gonna need

good press on this.

Son, don't push it!

Then can I at least talk to Captain Anders?

Where are we going, huh?

[telephone rings]

[rings]

[Woman] Scandal.

I think you've got the wrong number.

No. No, no.

Hey, McCall! How'd it go?

I just came back to get my camera.

Yeah? So, what do you got for me?

You won't believe the shit

that I've been going through

these past 24 hours.

Yeah? Sounds great.

Come on, let's hear it.

[telephone rings]

Hey! All right! These are great!

Hell of a lot better than those crappy ones

that kid gave me

a couple of months ago, but...

he was cheap, and I pay you

the big bucks, right?

That's the difference.

Those aren't fake, you asshole!

Asshole? What the hell's the matter with you?

What are you so jumpy today for?

So, when am I gonna see some copy?

You aren't. I quit.

Quit? What, quit? What for? Why?

Because I'm finally onto a real story.

Did you ever hear of that before? Real?

These aren't pictures of some damn, flying Frisbee!

This story is the biggest thing since...

since Watergate.

Oh, screw Watergate!

Since... Since the moon walk!

No, it's bigger! Oh,

spare me the hype, huh?

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Fine. Get the fuck out!

See if I care. Rogers,

I wish I could say this was a pleasure,

working for you.

Everybody, I'll see you in the funny papers!

[telephone rings]

Well, fuck you!

And take the radio with you!

Jesus Christ.

Hey there, big guy.

What's he bitching about now?

I...

I quit.

Why?

Look, uh...

I'm onto something.

Something big.

Do me a favor and hang on to these...

just in case.

In case something happens, okay?

Well, what is it?

Whatever you do, don't let Rogers

get his slimy hands onto it.

What? I don't understand.

Take care, Sandy.

You ought to quit, too.

You still here, douche?

I want you out of my building now!

Sandy, after 5:00,

I don't ever want to see that teddy bear again.

[slams]

[shattering glass]

[indistinct radio transmission]

How are you feeling?

Better, sir.

You know, captain, I heard about you.

You're supposed to be a real pistol.

I like cooperative men, myself.

But I don't think you're a traitor.

Sir, I don't think we should thunder in all at once.

You may want to hold a few choppers back,

just in case.

In case of what?

This is a U.S. military base, damn it,

not some kind of gosh darn missile complex!

[indistinct radio transmission]

Maybe you're right.

Tell the other choppers to stay up!

Any sign of trouble

and you can call them in, got it?

Online and ready for duty, general.

Why are your men deployed, colonel?

All weapon systems on full alert, sir.

What alert?

3-gun ships. Very impressive.

I have reports of some strange things

going on here.

I can imagine.

Captain Anders says...

Captain Anders is a pain in everyone's ass,

don't you agree?

Huh. I don't appreciate your attitude.

General, I'm your goddamn savior.

Sir, can I speak with you alone, please?

Is there a problem, captain?

Yeah, there's a damn problem.

Sir...

I only want to

enlighten the general. Sir,

there are over 100 armed men here.

Captain, there are always armed men

on a military base.

Colonel, disperse your men!

I think it's time we stopped the bullshit,

don't you?

I have something to show you.

General, we should go.

You boys are really starting to piss me off!

[guns cock]

[voice resonating] I'm America incarnate,

fighting flesh!

[rumble, clatter]

Let 'em see the light.

[gunfire, explosions]

There's fire on the field! There's fire on the field!

Aah!

The one thing I can't stand

is Americans fighting Americans.

Now, will you come see?

[shutter snaps]

Say, buddy,

did you just see a real bright light?

[gun cocks]

Hey, guys, wait up!

What the hell are you doing here?

[laughs] I guess we're going down, huh?

I've been driving since 11:00.

I guess it took you guys

only an hour to get here.

I'm surprised to see you, Mr. McCall.

I'm not surprised to see you, though.

They zapped your brain, too, huh, colonel?

Well, I figure any self-respecting alien

wants to have his story told, right?

And I'd like to learn about you guys.

That's fine, Mr. McCall.

Gentlemen, care to join us?

Colonel Faraday, I'm warning...

How bad could it be?

[elevator stops]

Bottom floor.

Welcome to the new world order.

I'm going!

Ow!

I was programmed to manage offensive

and defensive strategies.

Thought we'd clean house a bit.

[shutter snaps]

[shutter snaps]

America needed the F-23 like it needed an enema.

Ah! The B-1!

Never did quite get the bugs

worked out of that one, did we, general?

What a waste of metal.

What do you want, colonel?

Or whatever you are.

What do I want?

To kick ass! That's what I want!

I'm your savior!

Nobody's going to trample the flag again.

What are you talking about... the flag?

You're not even from this planet.

I'm your killing edge, gentlemen.

I already control your computers.

Oh, yes, everything.

Missile silos, SAC bases.

Even your Trident launch codes.

I think we should start with the Reds first,

don't you, gentlemen?

Heads for Russkis, tails for Slants.

Shit.

Ah, well, what the hell.

We'll nuke 'em both. [chuckles]

You're mad!

Mutually assured destruction.

Who thinks up this shit?

Wipe that fear off your face, general!

You're a soldier, damn it!

I'm just doing

what you've been dreaming of for years.

World War III!

Doing the big one!

Somebody's got to protect

America's defense industry.

Harvey!

Yes. That's right. He's lost his head.

God, I do love it so.

[camera shutter snaps]

Ever notice how the military loves acronyms?

Heavily Armored Rampaging Vaporizer.

H-A-R-V.

Harvey.

Well, what do you say, boys?

Are you in with me?

Why don't you just zap our brains?

Because you'd end up like these vegetables.

An all-volunteer Army.

These brain-dead boys can't think for themselves.

I can't afford to animate all of my troops

with such eloquence! Ha ha ha ha!

Harvey and me are one!

Who's "me"?

We are Asmodeous.

The space probe has merged

with the Asmodeous program.

And it's one crazy son of a bitch.

I need cooperation!

I need your brains! I need your strength!

I need thinking units in the field!

Harvey's the shitkicker.

I need generals.

The guys in the spots up top run the show.

Pigeonmen, minutemen, Trident crews.

They're the ones

that'll put the bastards to the screws.

If you ask me, I think

your whole program's screwed, buddy.

We're not at war with the Russians

or the Chinese.

Personally, I think old saucerhead up there

is just as much a white elephant

as the rest of the crap you're torching.

Look, you see, it doesn't mean shit

unless you have people's hearts and minds!

Come on, guys, aren't you gonna back me up on this?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Are you on drugs?

Squash that anarchist son of a bitch!

Uhh!

Freeze command or your colonel might take it!

Just one lone soldier doing his duty.

Harry, look out!

What the hell is this?

What does it look like? It's a gun!

This ain't no gun. It's pot metal.

If I fired this, it'd blow up in my fucking hand!

That kid down on 14th Street

guaranteed me that that was a good gun!

God, I hate the press.

Piece of shit.

What are you doing?

Whoa!

[Klaxon]

Jesus!

Awesome!

They're cannibalizing the whole base!

I don't know about you, but this situation

is scaring the muffins out of me.

Look at all this stuff!

Talk about government waste!

The government's got damn little to do with this.

This is General Anheiser of the United States Army!

Come in!

[static]

Anybody, come in!

We've had trouble with that before.

[static]

[snaps radio off]

[shutter snaps]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm recording history.

General, something's occurred to me.

Why didn't that saucer ship fly after us last night?

Who cares now?

Maybe it's as vulnerable as we are.

I mean, not super-armored, you know?

[rumbles, thuds]

Like Big Harvey out there.

Well, Faraday said he was a vulnerable little spud.

You mean, nothing that a 30-millimeter shell

wouldn't take care of?

Exactly!

[chuckles]

[clatter]

What are you guys looking for?

A kinder, gentler means of persuasion.

What the hell?

General!

Dragonmark 4!

Reloadable!

Here's the guidance system!

If we could only find the missiles for this thing...

we'd be in business.

Over there!

[gunfire]

We gotta find those missiles!

Well, what does it look like?

[gunfire]

They usually come in a... uhh!

In a case, in a plastic or a wooden crate!

Like this?

[rumble]

General!

Come on, peckerhead!

We're gonna get that big son of a bitch!

Hey, Anders, where are we going?

I don't know. I'm following him.

Hey, General Budweiser,

where are we going?

We're gonna find the...

It's still the same old story...

a fight for love and glory...

a case of do or die...

as time goes by.

Get set up fast.

[Harvey] Boys, I don't need you.

I'll light her up on my own.

[Stars and Stripes Forever playing]

I'll lick the world.

Lovely, lovely toy.

You ready?

Put it on.

[Frank] I'm glad you guys know this thing.

Oh, great. [shutter snaps]

America, I want to fuck you!

I want to stir you up!

I want to love you! I want to feel you!

[female electronic voice repeating words on screen]

Christ! He's controlling the whole thing!

[female electronic voice repeating words on screen]

The whole defense grid!

[female electronic voice repeating words on screen]

You cannot take them home like gods at play.

Jesus!

Christ! Fuck!

[female electronic voice] Operation Greater Glory,

60 seconds and counting.

[female electronic voice] 50 seconds.

Loaded! Clear!

Okay, God damn it! Fire!

[female electronic voice] 40 seconds.

Shit!

You missed?

30 seconds. Get the other one!

You fucking missed!

I know I missed!

Get the other one, God damn it!

Try this!

[resounding thud]

Jeez!

I'll grind your bones to make my bread!

Shit! Come on, come on!

Give me that thing!

Here!

Move it!

6...

Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on!

Got it! Clear!

2...

[explosion]

[female voice] Operation Greater Glory canceled.

[booming thud]

Yahoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Nice hit!

[explosions]

Let's get out of here!

Take me out of the oven

and stick a fork in me.

I am done.

Hey.

It must be over.

We're gonna have a devil of a time

explaining this.

You guys are heroes. You're gonna be famous!

The hell we are,

'cause nobody's gonna know about it.

What do you mean?

Everybody's gonna know about this.

Give me that damn camera.

Forget it! And you owe me an interview.

I told you, no interview.

Yes, you did!

Did not!

You promised me an interview.

It doesn't matter anyway,

'cause there isn't gonna be an article.

What do you mean, there's not gonna be an article?

This is the biggest story that ever hit the papers!

God, I hate the press.

[camera shutter snaps]

♪ [patriotic]

♪ [dramatic]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA