Original subtitles

[laidback music]

What do Sandra need $200 for?

I just sent her $400 for her textbooks.

Mm, let me see what she told me.

Uh, mm.

"I need $200 to go to a concert on Saturday with my girlfriends.

If that's too much, no worries.

I'll just go to a co-ed flag football game

at the fraternity house.

#fratcuties, #buns?"

Nope, $200 on the way.

I know that's right.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Oh, baby, what's goin' on?

Let me guess. Chilecia?

Come on, Dad. That's not fair.

Any time I feel a little depressed,

you always blame my girlfriend! It's not always Chilecia.

Alright, my bad. I was wrong this time.

But, you know, usually when you're depressed,

it's Chilecia.

Jeremy, please. Let's be supportive.

-Thank you, Mom. -Yeah.

Okay, alright, I'm sorry, son.

What's got you so down in the dumps today?

Chilecia.

I just said that.

Look, I know, Dad, but that's always your first reaction.

It's like you don't even like her.

I don't like--

How you're always upset sometimes.

I'm, I'm sorry.

Talk to me. What, what's goin' on?

What's happenin'? What happened this time?

So, she got mad at me because I was mad at her

for posting pics with some random guy

on her social media.

Well, sounds like you had every reason to be upset.

That's what I thought.

But then she told me it was just her cousin's friend,

and that jealousy isn't cute.

Which, which I can see, so...

You can see that?

Look, I'll tell you what I see...

Mm-mm-mm.

What we see is a wonderful young man

who Chilecia is lucky to have in her life.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Well, I'm gonna go finish my homework.

Okay.

[Philip sighing heavily]

I don't know why he said thanks to me, I didn't say nothin'.

I don't like her.

Mm! You know what?

I don't hate anyone,

'cause I know God don't like ugly.

But if I did, ooh, she'd be first on my list, Jeremy.

But you know what's crazy?

She's not even that bad of a person necessarily.

They just got a toxic relationship.

That girl loves drama!

Too bad we can't force him to break up with her.

Wouldn't even wanna suggest that,

'cause all that's gonna do is just

push him further into her clutches.

We gotta find a way to show our son his worth, you know?

Like, so that maybe he'll, like,

entertain dating some other girls.

Right, right, get him somebody that he'll like.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, let's give him a shot.

Yeah, we can call it "Operation: To the Left".

Ooh, everything Chilecia owns in a box to the left.

[upbeat music]

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember Blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

[laidback music]

♪ I have to say ♪

♪ What a beautiful day ♪

Ooh-ee! Okay, Ms. Anastasia.

You in good spirits today, honey.

You been out back smokin' with Uncle Vinny, haven't you?

No, Jeremy.

Anastasia Devereaux is high on life.

I just got the most fabulous phone call.

Oh, who was it, honey? Don't keep us in suspense.

My new agent got me a big audition

that is going to supercharge my Hollywood comeback!

Aw, man, that's awesome. That is so great.

We know you've been workin' hard for your comeback,

it's good to see you buildin' some momentum.

I love that.

Mm, okay, Ms. Anastasia, what's your big audition for?

A commercial.

Mm-hm.

For La'Todds restaurant

[laughing] Sounds so elegantly French.

It makes sense why I would be their spokesperson.

[speaking French]

That's great, but actually...

Oh, sorry, no time to chit chat.

I'm off to makeup and wardrobe,

which is just my room here at Pleasant Days.

But soon, I'll be back in my natural habitat.

-Mm-hm. -A Hollywood studio lot,

where silver screen royalty belongs.

Ta-ta!

Yo...

La'Todds?!

Who gon' tell her that's not a fancy French restaurant?

-Jeremy! -[Jeremy] People go there

at the end of the night,

after they have been drinkin' too much at the club.

Oh my gosh.

[Jeremy] It's a greasy dive bar.

Oh, she gon' go back to Willie Mae Jenkins, honey.

Okay, first question, first question.

Who named the Pacific Ocean?

Uh, which ocean you talkin' about, Cora?

Now I just told you, Mr. Brown! The Pacific Ocean.

Well, Cora, if you want me to answer the question,

you gotta be more pacific.

And time!

The answer is Ferdinand Magellan.

-Yup. -[Reginald] Now, you know, Cora,

in order for us to be more fair,

I think we oughta give his five-second head start,

make it five hours.

And I should be more fair and charge you more money

for even playin' with you.

Don't nobody else wanna play with you,

'cause of your freakishly large brain.

-They said... -[Cora] Mr. Brown.

-Hey, y'all. -[Mr. Brown] Next question.

Hey.

I got a trivia question for you.

-Okay. -Give us.

How do we get Philip to realize his self worth

and see that he doesn't have to deal with

the unnecessary drama from his girlfriend?

Oh, well, I thought Philip and Chilecia

were happily in love.

I feel like she's negatively affecting his mental health.

Well, you know, I got, I got an answer.

Now, wait, wait, let's start the timer.

-Proceed. -Okay.

We hire a ninja to sneak in her room late night,

and then maybe the ninja whisper in her ear,

"Break up with Philip," just like that.

And then when she wake up,

next thing you know, boom, she break up with Philip,

they no, not together no more.

I, I read that on the eminent.

-The internet. -Yeah, I read it there.

Mr. Brown, even if that wasn't a horrible idea,

we not tryin' to break them up.

We just want him to know his self worth.

Oh, well, in that case,

you just simply send Philip away.

Oh, yeah, kinda like a, you know, like a summer camp.

You know, where you send him off to meet people,

and they just naturally grow apart.

No, you simply send him away to make his fortune

on the high seas.

Then when he returns a wealthy nobleman,

Chilecia won't recognize him anymore,

and his worth will be millions.

Problem solved.

That is literally like the plot to The Count of Monte Cristo.

Well, I know a million facts, Cora,

but the original thought is not my strong suit.

Which means you don't have common sense.

Got it.

Cora, you bein' the voice of reason in here, uh,

do you have any good ideas?

There is a nice young lady I could introduce Philip to

down at the church.

Cora, you think she a hypno-ninja?

No, no, Mr. Brown, she's just a nice young lady

that I think will help Philip realize

that there are healthier choices out there for him.

I wish we could just set 'em up on a date.

Man, you can, we havin' a church picnic,

and, uh, the young lady might be there.

We can invite Philip.

Yeah, that's a good one!

You got, you, you got one, Mr. Brown.

You got that right, yes, sir.

That's what I do in these gospel streets.

Thank you so much.

I'd like to thank the Academy

for getting me here and doing this wonderful job that I do.

[laidback music]

Mm-mm!

Ms. Anastasia, you look stunning.

Oh, you ready for your big audition?

The question is, are they ready for me?

Uh, I'm sorry...

I, I gotta ask.

Uh, did you do any research

to see what kind of establishment La'Todds is?

Well, it's an elegant French bistro

that serves five-star cuisine.

Uh, no, it is actually a fast food restaurant

that serves indigestion.

Why, Leah, I expect this brand of jealousy

from my Hollywood vixen rivals, but not you, dear.

Do better.

I wish I was kidding.

But I promise, I wouldn't step one foot in La'Todds,

even if I wore a hazmat suit.

That slimy, no-good agent of mine

said this role was perfect for me.

Anastasia Devereaux, star of stage and screen,

would never demean herself

by appearing in a lowly fast food commercial!

But wait, wait, before you go, can I ask you a question?

Would this be the worst job you ever took?

Oh, heavens, no.

When I was fresh off the bus, just starting in Hollywood,

I took a bit part in a B movie,

portraying an alien belly dancer

with six belly buttons and zero morals.

And that role wasn't beneath you?

No, because I knew it wasn't my final destination.

It was a mere stepping stone to get me to the top,

where I belong.

Oh, clever girl!

This is just a stepping stone to get me back to the top.

Thank you for the reminder, dear.

You know, Ms. Anastasia, I don't know how you do it.

I would be so nervous to audition.

You don't get nervous?

Me? Nervous?

Ooh!

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, you okay?

You need, you need a water? You need some water?

Ooh, that's funny.

Why would I be nervous?

I'm a Hollywood legend.

And this so-called audition is clearly a formality.

They probably just wanna meet so that they could say

and brag that they met a celebrity.

I'm sure you're right.

And with my good luck charm Reginald here to cheer me on,

-I can't lose. -No.

Where is he, by the way? It's not like him to be late.

Uh, I don't know, you want me to go find him?

Oh my, the audition's starting.

-Oh. -Ooh, ooh.

Ooh...

Hello, boys.

I'm here for my audition.

My name?

Oh, good one.

You're not kidding.

Surely you recognize me from my many starring movie roles.

No?

Then perhaps you're too young to remember.

Oh, you say you're 65?

Well, perhaps you have Alzheimer's.

I'm not quite ready, no,

I actually need a few more minutes.

Where is Reginald?!

Uh, uh, uh, I don't know, but look, Ms. Anastasia,

you got this.

You are a star. Yes.

And action.

Ms...

Ms. Anastasia!

Ooh, sorry!

Um, uh, uh, Ms. Anastasia is, is having

some technical difficulties.

Oh!

I think you have a bad case of stage fright.

Mm...

It's okay.

[knocking on door] Knock, knock!

Cora, what you talking about is anybody home?

You know he in here, he sittin' right there.

I mean, Mr. Brown, he's a boy.

-We can't just barge in. -Yeah.

'Cause you never know what boys be doin' in they room.

-That's right. -Yeah.

Hi, Mr. Brown, hi, Ms. Cora.

[Cora] Hey, baby, you know, we just,

your mom wanted us to come check on you.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

No, I'm just, just doin' homework.

-Okay. -Well, when we come in,

you were lookin' up.

Are they puttin' it on the ceiling now?

I don't know, I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Yeah, well, that's understandable.

But we heard you were a little down in the dumps,

and you and your girlfriend had a disagreement, yeah.

-Mm-hm. -But, checkin' on you.

Are you okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Brown, I'm sorry,

Mr. Brown had this idea, right?

Go ahead, tell him, Mr. Brown.

-Okay, I think it'd be good... -Yes.

-If we hired a hypno-ninja...

No, no, no, not that one! The other idea!

Oh, oh, okay. Oh!

We thought it'd be a good idea for you to come to

the church picnic.

Your mom and dad say it'll be good for you to get out

and get some fresh air, and, and clear your mind.

Oh, uh, thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Uh, I think I'm good.

Well, you know they got that food-food down at church.

You said food, you said food twice, Mr. Brown.

Yeah, they got that good food-food.

They got that good-good at the church,

you know, they keep it down.

I mean, I am a little hungry, but I don't wanna go by myself.

I mean, the guys are at the movies,

and Chilecia's not speaking to me.

But the thing is, is, there's somebody there

that we think will be good for you at the picnic

-to keep you company. -And she a girl, too.

Yeah, she's a girl, that don't matter, but she...

Yes it do, what if she not there?

Okay, but she's nice, I mean, you know, real easy-goin',

-and her name is Tasha. -[Mr. Brown] Yeah.

It, it's Sister Cheryl's daughter.

-Y'all around the same age. -You know Sister Cheryl,

She got that one eye that wiggles everywhere--

Mr. Brown, but I think y'all have a lot in common.

-Mm-hm, I'll go. -[Cora] Okay.

You, you goin', Mr. Brown?

Oh no, mm-mm, I got a girlfriend.

Ain't nothin' like sittin' up, chillin' with your girlfriend

while you just...

I'll just sometimes put my arm around her, and I just...

-Why would you say something-- -[Mr. Brown] Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, come on.

No, you're, you're right, Mr. Brown.

I don't, I don't think I'll go, Ms. Cora.

-[Cora] You don't think...? -Thank you, thank you, though.

Okay, Philip, well, I understand, sweetheart.

You just messed up! Come on, let's go!

No, I'mma stay here with Philip.

I'mma stay, 'cause ain't... I don't want him lonely.

Look at his face, Cora.

His face look lonely. Look at your face.

It, it's fine, Mr. Brown. Thank you.

I'll just do some homework, though.

[Mr. Brown] Oh, no, nuh-uh, I'm good with...

Sound it out.

Al, Alge-bray. Alge-bray.

-[Cora] Algebra. -I'm good with algebra.

I can help you with your homework.

Do you know that studies show that if you sing while

you're doin' your homework,

it'll release en-dolphins in your, in your head?

Alright, alright, you know what? I will go, thank you.

Alright, well played, Mr. Brown.

[laidback music]

Ms. Anastasia, it's not the end of the world.

But it is.

The Anastasia Devereux getting stage fright is like

Michael Jordan forgetting how to dunk a basketball.

Chaka Khan losing her voice.

Mr. Brown wearing sensible clothing.

It's downright unthinkable.

Damn it, is that water?!

You don't have anything stronger?!

Desperate times calls for desperate measures!

Hurry, chop, chop!

Okay, um, yeah. Well, you know what?

I mean, Ms. Anastasia, it's not how many times you fall.

It's how many times you get up.

And you need to turn your setbacks into comebacks.

Save your sports clichés, Leah.

I played a sexy, hot football coach

in Sexy Hot Football Coach: Part Three,

and I memorized all those tired lines.

I mean, but it's true, Ms. Anastasia.

You cannot give up just because you had one bad experience.

Watch me.

I've lost my touch, dear. My acting career is over.

I guess I'll just live out the rest of my days

a sad, anonymous nobody.

No offense.

None taken, I guess.

Break a leg, Anastasia. I'm sure you'll be amazing.

The audition was at 2:45, Reginald.

-You missed it. -[Reginald] Wait...

I thought you told me it was three...

So unlike me to forget.

Well, I'm sure congratulations are in order.

Oh, sweet Reginald, you didn't see what happened.

Apologies for not being present to witness your audition live,

but it probably was for the best.

Your talent amazes me,

that I probably would've given out a, a whelp of excitement

and broken your concentration.

Oh, Mr. Reginald,

you really enjoy Ms. Anastasia's acting, don't you?

As much as I enjoy Michelangelo's sculptures

or da Vinci's brushstrokes.

Oh, stop. Just kidding, go on.

You have no idea the sheer joy your acting brings to my life.

High praises, Mr. Reginald.

And I'm not alone.

There's a countless number of Anastasia fans

who feel the same way.

Me, I am part of an online fan club.

We call ourselves Anastasia's Army.

Ooh!

Ms. Anastasia, there's a whole army

of fans who love you.

So, when the new commercial airs,

you let me know, and I will spread the word.

Of course, darling.

You'll be the first person I tell.

Ms. Anastasia, why didn't you tell Reginald the truth, huh?

You, that audition did not go well, you did not get the part.

Oh, but I am going to get that part.

I'm calling my agent,

and he's gonna get me in front of that director

for another try.

Mm!

This is bigger than me, Leah.

I am going to continue to claw my way back to the top

for Anastasia's Army,

and I'm not gonna let anything stop me.

You go, girl!

Of course I'm doing it for myself, too.

Who are we kidding here?

[Leah] Ooh.

But I do miss the red carpets and the paparazzi

and the lusty limousine sex

with young hunks desperate to grab a firm hold of my...

Oh...

Fame.

But I'm also doing it for my adoring fans.

Wow.

[groovy music]

Can you believe our daughter?

Now she askin' for more money,

talkin' about she wanna upgrade her meal plan.

Whatever the hell that means.

I know we supposed to be tryin' to another baby,

but these messages beggin' for money from Sandra

is like birth control.

Straight mood killer

-Well... -[doorbell ringing]

I'm ovulating.

Mood is back.

[indistinct]

Hey, Mom, hey, Dad.

Hey, Philip.

Hey, what? Hey, son, how was the picnic?

Great. Me and Tasha had so much fun.

Sister Cheryl's daughter is really amazing.

Oh, really? Mm, how so?

First off, she's cool, and she's so easy to talk to.

I mean, zero drama at all.

And she's just so nice.

I mean, probably the nicest girl I've ever met in my entire life.

Plus she gave me this bouquet of flowers.

How sweet is that?

Chilecia's gonna love 'em.

Wait, what? Chilecia?

Boy, you can't give Tasha's flowers to Chilecia.

No, Dad, listen.

Tasha gave me these flowers to give to Chilecia.

It was her idea.

I don't understand that at all.

Look, she saw how sad I was,

so she gave me a bunch of good ideas

to win Chilecia back.

-How nice. -Oh, and get this.

She even wrote this romantic, nice poem

for me to read to Chilecia as if I wrote it!

Tasha's so cool.

Huh.

Unbelievable.

Hey, hey, did they get married? Did he propose?

They elope yet?

No, Mr. Brown, they didn't elope.

Man, our big plan to make him understand his worth backfired

right in our face.

Drove him right back to Chilecia.

Well, maybe that, that lesson was for all of us.

Yeah, we should've got a hypno-ninja.

No, Mr. Brown, the lesson is we just gotta trust that

we done raised a good young man that'll eventually make a,

the best decisions on his own.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I had to do with Cora.

I had to step back, let go, and let God.

-Yeah. -'Cause I thought she was gon'

be a idiot, just like her mom.

What?!

I didn't know at first, because her mama is ignant.

She be lyin', cussin', smokin', and drinkin'.

-[Cora] Mr. Brown... -Yeah, she beat up five guys

at one time.

I'm standin' right here, Mr. Brown!

-You don't be talkin' 'bout... -With a cigarette in her mouth,

Talking about my mom!

What is wrong with you?! Don't be talkin' about my mama!

[groovy music]

When I hunger for a mouthful of hot,

steamy beef...

Yes, I'm aware I'm off-script, darling.

It's called improv.

I bite into a juicy La'Todds burger.

Mm, so good.

So hood.

So La'Todds.

I got the part?!

Of course I have the part, darling.

La'Todds.

More like La'Toads!

I bet my pearls I just ate roadkill.

What's that? The camera's still on?

Oh, shh... My bad.

[wacky music]

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