Original subtitles

[smooth music]

Hey!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, ah, hey, ah, ah, hey ♪

[indistinct]!

Hey!

Hey!

-You so damn stupid. -Ain't nobody stupid!

-What you talkin' about?! -Man, that's profilin', man.

How is it profilin'?!

He was found in the wee hours of the morning,

in the desert, scraped up by barbed wire, barefooted!

That ain't profilin'!

That don't mean the man was an illegal, fool!

You know what, I would say use the good sense

that the Lord gave you, but he didn't give you none.

Man, I'll hit you hard, I'll make that suit polka-dotted.

Just shut up, man. Shut up.

What, what is all this?

I've started a new foundation.

Man, is this some of that old nasty beet juice

you tryin' to sell again?

No, no, far from it.

This ain't one of those "Go Africa or go home", is it?

Man, I ain't goin' nowhere. I don't speak the language.

I need the ladies to understand me

so they can give me what I need.

No, no, you don't have to go anywhere.

But I'm sure you both might need a little R&R.

Renee and Renita? I had the twins last night, boy.

Are you talkin' about revival and repentance?

No, R&R stands for [indistinct].

Root, root! Root, root!

Stupid, stupid! Stupid, stupid!

-That's kinda corny. -No, no, no,

it is, it is my new foundation!

Look, I am starting a roots drive

to, to raise funds to build my first well in Africa.

You know what, that's good! That's a good cause, ain't it?

Man, that's stupid.

Wouldn't it be easier for you to just

send them people over there some bottled water?

You know what, the last piece of your hair done left your head

-and took your brain with it. -Ooh, I wanna fight you so bad.

Well, then, do it, then.

Do it, that's all we gotta do, do it.

-Just move the table. -"Free DNA tests."

Yes, yes! Take one!

And enter into a drawing to win a free trip to the motherland.

Oh, I ain't got to do that to go to the motherland.

I'm from the motherland.

Which part?

The land that my mother was on. Thank you.

Here's a donation, Efe.

I'd give my DNA,

but I'm afraid my eighth ex-husband

might find out I'm still alive.

He's scouring the country in search of my fossils.

Here, here you go.

Those things never work out for me.

The last time I had one,

they said I was half Teletubby and third cousin of Dolemite.

So, no takers?

Hey, brother [indistinct]! Come on, brother!

Come on, now. This is for a great cause!

Let me tell you, I can see it now, man.

The government might clone my seed

and impregnate all the women.

That is way too much child support.

I can't change no diapers, I'm wearin' one myself.

Hey!

Hey, [indistinct]!

[groovy music]

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember , blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

[groovy music]

Hello, Efe!

Oh, hello, my sister Karen!

What has got you so excited today?

Hopefully she joined a nudist camp and movin' out.

That would be great.

You may be looking at the new part-time curator

of the Museum of History and Culture!

Once they find out she ain't got no culture,

they gonna change the name of the Museum

to The Museum of the Livin' Dead.

I thought they were closing that place down.

They're makin' a last-ditch effort

to keep it afloat.

And I just know if they hire me,

that I'll be able to breathe new life into it!

You know, ever since I was a little girl,

I always wanted to have an art gallery.

But my parents frowned on being an artist.

-[Efe] Hm. -But art is in my blood!

Ooh, why don't you take a roots DNA test, ay,

and see who your ancestors are?

Ooh, you know, lore has it that I come from a long line

of esteemed artistes , like Van Gogh and da Vinci.

[giggling]

Ooh, and I would just love to find out

that I'm related to Medici!

I've got a taker!

You know what? Make that two.

If she's related to artists,

then I've gotta be related to my hero, Solomon.

700 wives, 300 concubine.

Everybody naked, everybody!

Naked!

Jeremy!

Yo, why you yellin' my name like you crazy?

What's goin' on?

This doorknob still isn't working.

There ain't nothin' wrong with this doorknob,

you just don't know how to work it.

Look.

-I don't know how to work it. -See?

Dad, how am I supposed to do my presentation

in this wrinkled suit?

Jeremy, you were supposed to take this to the cleaners

and have it steamed!

I know, but I've been busy, man.

I had to help Reginald with his closet rack, I'm sorry.

Had to, huh?

Okay, well, uh, if I don't wear that suit,

then the next thing you'll see me in is a reflective vest

because I would've flunked out.

No, no, baby.

I'll take care of it and drop it at the school.

-Thank you. -Mm-hm.

He don't have no job at all.

Why are you telling him about...

What's this?

Your honey-do list.

It has been growing for the past three months.

You're always exaggerating.

This has been, like, two months, and this stuff is done, look.

Pull the weeds, check.

Level bed slats, check.

Replace hinge on closet door, check, check.

Change the showerhead, check.

Fix the doorknob, just did that. What we talkin' about?

Jeremy, why are you checkin' things off

that have not been done yet?

Because I like to think ahead, Leah.

Alright? You know what I'm sayin'?

Make me feel like it's already done.

Oh, okay, well, the point of the honey-do list...

...is to actually do it, honey.

Whatever. I gotta go.

Wait, where you goin'?

Ugh, I'm runnin' late.

I told Cora I will come down to the church

to help install the trampoline mats.

-Hm. -Yeah.

She got her Jump for Jesus campaign, so...

Wait, hold on. What is the tank top for?

Ah, you know, it get a little, it get a little hot over there.

When I wear this, them old church geezers,

they give your boy extra peppermints.

Hold on, them old church geezers

better keep them peppermints to themselves.

Yeah.

[mutters to self] [loud click]

I thought the doorknob was fixed, Jeremy!

[groovy music]

Why the long face?

Jeremy's around here bein' a handyman

for everybody but me.

Ooh, I know that feeling.

My fourth husband loved his toolbelt.

But I found out he was using his wrench

on somebody else's nuts and bolts.

You have no idea what it's like to wake up on a leaning bed!

I have recurring dreams that I'm slidin' down a hill.

Then I wake up and realize

I've actually fallen on the floor.

I have an idea that would get Jeremy to knock out

that honey-do list in three days.

Ooh, honey, do tell.

Hey, Sharetha, dial Two Hunks with Trunks.

Oh, girl.

You a troublemaker.

You gon' go or what?

I don't care what you say, I got my four tricks.

Hell will freeze over before you get more tricks than me, Reggie.

Right, and our tricks come with diamonds.

Bam!

Reggie, stick with taco trucks,

'cause cards ain't in the cards for you.

I was undefeated in competitive crazy eights

two years in a row!

I got the Mr. Crazy award.

Yeah, you are crazy.

I think I have it in the bag!

I hope you keep it on your face so we don't have to see you.

So, you got the job at the museum?

Well, a good chance.

Uh, uh, one of the panelists said to me

that I have exactly what they're looking for.

-Ah. -Well, I love art.

I was a nude model for young art students.

Really? Was it the School for the Blind?

I'm just askin' for a friend.

Now I have to prepare for my second interview.

They want me to propose a, an art exhibit.

So, I need to find something with,

with depth and beauty and purpose.

Oh, that's easy, Karen. You need to exhibit me.

I got the roots DNA results!

[exclaiming]

Well, if you got extraterrestrial in your blood,

don't say I didn't warn you.

Hey, remember, if you inherited streets of gold,

I'm the one put the roof over your head and fed you.

You ain't gave me a damn thing, Brown.

I pay to stay, okay?

You ungrateful.

Well, well, well, well?

It says European.

Oh, that's a shock! Everybody, everybody shocked?

-Everybody shocked! -I'm shocked!

[Mr. Brown] European?

[indistinct]

Sierra Leone, I knew I had some French in my blood.

That's why the ladies love my kisses.

Florence, Italy! Home of the great Renaissance!

And it's the home of the mafia.

Is there somethin' you need to tell us?

Look at this right here. Mozambique.

I got hunters and gatherers in my blood.

We hunt foxy women and we gather their goods.

What is this?

.0003% Mayotte?

What?

[All] Mayotte?

Sound like a crime syndicate to me.

No, no, no, it's near Madagascar.

In the Mozambique Channel.

Karen! You are my sister!

Which means you are one drop!

One drop what?

[All] She's Black!

Oh, and proud!

I had to pull an all-nighter.

Ah, me and my third husband used to do those quite often.

Takes a lot of endurance.

So, here's your, um, Roots, Shaka Zulu,

and Shaft in Africa.

And here's your Motown collection, Vinny.

-Alright. -I can just about

snap on the beat.

Hold on, Angela Doofus.

Just because you got a smidgen of us

and a goo-gobs of them,

it, it don't mean you in, okay?

Exploring who you are is exciting.

I remember when I found out my grandmother

was a nutritionist for the Tuskegee Airmen.

Made me feel proud.

You not gonna leave me that far behind!

I knew it was the end of your 50-foot run

when you stopped at that doughnut shop, Mr. Brown.

I'll have you to know these are diet doughnuts.

Hey Vinny, I see it says here that you two share roots

in the same origin.

Huh? Maybe you're distant cousins.

Man, don't make me vomit up in this room right here.

How many white people do you know

who would be happy to know they are part Black?

Uh, Eminem, Vanilla Ice, uh, Michael McDonald, and, uh...

Teena Marie.

Yeah, yeah. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Well, who would've thought that I had roots in Africa?

Who would've thought? Who woulda?

I have so many questions.

Well, ask away.

I'm here for you, honey.

Oh, thank you, Anastasia.

Now, do we prefer Black or African American?

Girl, ask them.

Okay, uh, look, look here, Karen,

you know you can change the, the little check mark

on your application now?

'Cause you one drop.

Yeah, and if you do that,

you gon' have to change the name of the museum

to the Broke, Busted, and Disgusted.

Well, maybe that's what I'll call

my proposed exhibit,

-and it'll feature you, Vinny. -What the?

Hey, another donation!

I am $1,000 away from my goal of building my first well

for Grow and Raise the Roots!

See, Efe, that's why you a good person.

The Lord is pleased with you.

He gon' put a check by your name in Heaven.

You think the Lord can change the water into wine

and we could have a party?

I know some freaks.

You know, he gon' put a skull by your name

and send you to Hell.

Oh, I've been there. They party.

-You just hateful. -I try bein' nice,

but heathen comes out.

You just hateful and heathen.

[Karen] I call my exhibit The Unforgotten,

featuring African artists whose works were plundered

by the colonial empires and sold.

There are many paintings and, uh, stripweave textiles

from the southeast.

You have many wonderful artists here!

Yes, I studied them all many years ago.

Ahh, you will make an excellent curator.

-Oh, thank you! -No, my sister,

this is wonderful.

[wacky music]

[Anastasia] If you need help screwing that in, let me know.

I've got really soft hands and a tight grip.

I'll have that knob ready to go in no time.

Ms. Anastasia, leave those hunks alone.

They have a lot of work to do around here.

I know.

There's nothing like watching a hard man do hard work.

Yeah?

Oh, wow. Mm.

Mm...

If you wanna work on me next, just bring your hammer

and I'll be the nail.

-Leah? -Yeah?

What is the incredible bulk doin' in my kitchen

and Arnold Schwartzenegro doin' in my bedroom?

Alright, you know what? See?

I noticed how busy you were,

so I thought I'd just, you know, outsource your honey-do list.

Well, your honey-didn't-do list, actually.

See? They almost done.

Only two boxes left to check off.

The storage room, and ooh, my Leanin' Tower of Sleep bed!

-Mm-mm, no. -Yes.

Mr. Chunky ain't touchin' my bed slats, no way.

Why not?

I mean, you don't seem to care

that I end up wakin' up on the floor.

Thank, thank you. Um...

I'm experienced in breaking beds.

I'll have you safe, stable, and firm in no time.

-Wow. -And we'll be sure to

test it out for you when we're done.

Oh, great!

What you mean, great?

That's, that's sexual harassment right there.

What you mean, test it out when you're...?

Look, man, you got to go.

You, Mr. Cradle Cap...

-Oh my God. -Hey, hey, get outta here.

Come on.

Mr. Swole-for-No-Reason?

Grab your tools, beat it.

What? Ain't nobody scared of y'all.

What, y'all gonna jump me?

-Alright, okay. -Hey...

Huh? He was big.

Yeah, he was, but look at him, look at her, look at her.

Ms. Anastasia.

What are you doing?

Oh my goodness.

Okay, babe, listen,

but I don't wanna wait another three months

to get our bed fixed.

Three months, you know I can do this in three minutes.

Uh...

You think so?

-Yes. -Mm.

You, you, you need some help?

Nah, I just gotta get a better grip.

I've got a good grip.

No need to use it now, since you kicked out

my future ninth and tenth husbands.

Yeesh.

You know what, babe?

Actually, can you, um, go to the garage

and get my gloves, please?

Oh, it's, is it too heavy?

No, no, no, I just don't wanna get splinters.

-Mm-hm. -Oh, splinters, okay.

Well, those guys carried it in barehanded,

and, um, yeah, they didn't need any help.

Please go to the garage and grab my gloves, thank you.

-Going to garage... -[Jeremy] Thanks.

-To grab your gloves. -Yes.

-Please and thank you. -Mm-hm, yes.

-You gon' fix my bed? -Yep.

-I got it. -Okay.

Just go get the gloves, please.

Okay.

Ms., Ms. Anastasia?

Philip! Philip!

Yes, Dad?

Hurry up and help me with this before your mother come back.

Ah, I can't.

Chilecia doesn't like calloused hands.

Why don't you get one of them Michelin men to do it?

Because I told your mother I would do it.

Okay, then why you askin' me?

Do you wanna eat again?!

Come on, man. Grab it!

[Philip] Don't throw out your back.

-You good? -Yeah!

Where we takin' 'em?

To the bed.

[smooth music]

This the kid who was raised by a robot.

Presumably, he's programmed to identify stupid

before a person opens their mouth.

That's Mr. Brown's life story. I've seen this several times.

Ugh, $1,000 short of my donation goal.

-Oh... -[Vinny] Mm.

Ah, hey, there's my sister!

Ah! How did it go, hm?

Come on, chill out, read the room.

When a woman walks in the room lookin' that wore out,

either she's had a bad day

or Vinny put it on her, man.

My proposed exhibit went flawlessly,

and I answered every question correctly.

So, why so glum?

Well, things just didn't turn out the way I'd planned.

[indistinct],

I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted.

Because they turned out better!

You're looking at the new part-time museum curator!

Oh, dream come true!

Well done!

And that's not the best part.

You're movin' out?

I told them about your campaign, Efe.

And they made a donation!

$1,000 to Grow and Raise the Root?!

Yes!

It's enough to build my well!

Oh, thank you so much!

You know what, Karen?

You might be alright after all, girl.

The struggle is real.

Don't mind him, Karen.

[groovy music]

Baby! What are you doin'?

Yeah, I'm doin' that Hunky Dude workout,

I, uh, followed them on IG.

You got a little jealous, didn't you?

They ain't got nothin' on this.

I picked up the wood planks by myself with one hand.

Oh, okay, then.

Ah... Mom, do you have any hand exfoliant?

Them wood planks gave me callouses,

and Chilecia won't even hold my hand.

Ah, you picked up those wood planks

with one hand, alright.

Was I, was I not supposed to say nothin'?

Get out.

Alright, look, I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention

to your honey-do list.

Mm-hm. Apology accepted.

Hey, I say we change your name from honey-do list

to honey-let's-do-it list.

You better get back to your workout, boy.

Nah, bench pressin' your wife is step number two.

Oh okay, well, you know you like big girls,

so you better get your weight up.

Yup, I'm ready.

Now that you are African, or have African blood,

I'm going to teach you a dance, okay?

For old people like us.

It's called Etighi.

-Etighi. -Etighi.

-Etighi. -Hey!

Okay, so keep your hand like this,

and keep your leg straight.

And you're going to use your hip.

Hip, lift your leg up.

One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.

Hey, hey! Yes!

Hey, look at you!

With the hip, don't break it.

With your hand.

Ah, you're too African!

Well done. Okay, okay.

Now the next dance I'm going to teach you

is Azonto.

You know, I've only been Black for 24 hours.

So, I think one is enough.

Okay, okay, okay. We'll stick to Etighi?

-Okay. -Etighi.

Hey, Etighi. Hey, Etighi.

[music]

[music]

[music]