Original subtitles

[music]

Jeremy, there's an old saying.

There's nothing sexier than a man

who can fix things with his bare hands.

So why didn't you marry a handyman?

All your husbands were filthy rich.

Ah, yes.

The saying is actually there's nothing sexier than a man

who can pay other men to fix things with their bare hands.

Thanks for the reminder.

Okay.

-Hey, babe. -Hey, you.

What's that for?

What, a wife can't just kiss her husband?

We've been married long enough to know

when you bopping and kissing on me like that,

you want something.

Guilty as charged.

Mm-hmm. Let me guess. A water bottle?

Spoiler alert, you don't need one.

Look, look at that. Look.

Look. Look at all these bottles.

Why?

You can literally hydrate the Atlanta Falcons.

Jeremy, in the female language, 'want' and 'need' are synonyms.

And as her husband, it is your job to give her what she wants,

whatever it is.

Thank you, Miss Anastasia, but no.

I don't want a new water bottle.

Although, they did come out with this new stainless steel one

in pink that would be so cute with my workout sneakers.

Translation: she needs it.

No, no, seriously. Okay, forget the water bottle.

I was actually thinking that, um...

-I want... -You want...

-You know what? -What? What?

Can you sit down for this one?

No, I'm not sitting down. Tell me what you want.

What is it now?

Not now, per se.

More like in nine months.

Hell no!

Hell yes! I want a baby, Jeremy.

Why do you want a baby? Where's this even coming from?

I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, Philip is always gone,

and Sandra hardly ever calls me anymore.

Sandra calls you three times a day.

I prefer four to five.

Miss Anastasia, what you think?

A girl wants something, she needs it.

Yes, queen! See?

Mama wants a baby.

That means mama needs a baby,

and it is your job to put it in my belly.

Whatever, man, fine.

Yay! So excited!

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Vinny, who are you texting? Your parole officer?

I'm texting your mama in hell. She says she misses me.

You're lying. My mama in heaven with Jesus.

That would explain all my long distance phone charges.

Anyway, Vinny, how I look?

Like you always look.

Like a bald eagle ran into a box of crayons.

Vinny, don't play with my emotions.

I'm already nervous.

Miss Kim, she's bringing her grandson over here

to meet me for the first time,

and I want him to like me.

Well, you in luck, Brown, because kids, they like clowns.

Vinny, shut up! The boy had to come live with her,

and I want him to like me.

You know if he don't like me, then she might quit me again.

[doorbell rings]

I don't want her to quit me, 'cause you know how that go.

Hello, Leroy, Vincent. This is my grandson, Theodore.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Nice to meet you, Theodore. I heard a lot about you.

Good things, I trust?

Well, she didn't tell me you had big hair like a lion.

[roars] I like it, though.

Yeah, this boy is polite, like them kids from the 1800s.

Like he was on the Little House on the Prairie or something.

When his mother asked me to take him in for a spell

so she could get her affairs in order,

I must admit I was a bit nervous,

but Theodore has been wonderful from day one.

[Brown] Well, that's good.

We finally get to spend a little time together.

Give me five. Okay, like that.

[phone beeps] Oh, no.

It seems there's an emergency at the school

that I must attend to.

That sounds like a setup to me.

Leroy, I hate to put you in this position,

but would you mind watching Theodore for an hour or so?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll give us a chance to bond.

Become friends and stuff like that.

What kind of stuff do you like, little man?

I like chess. Do you like chess?

Well, I'm not much of a "chess" man.

I'm more into legs.

He's talking about chess the game, fool.

-Oh! Like with the horse? -Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Efe got one of them.

We can play that.

Well, I can't wait to hear who wins.

Thank you, Leroy. I won't be long.

Okay, I hope not. We'll have fun.

The boy likes chess. Let's see, man.

When I was his age, I was into naked pictures and shoplifting.

Brother, sure hope you got your clean drawers on.

That boy's gonna beat the pants off of you.

Okay, I'm gonna get the chess board.

You promise you're gonna take it easy on me, okay?

[deeper voice] I hate chess. We're gonna play cowboys!

What the what?

And for lunch, I want a banana split, extra whip, no sprinkles.

Okay, who are you and what you doing--

Ice cream, mouth, now! Hurry!

Oh, so you think because your grandmama not here,

you're just gonna moonwalk all over me?

Is that what you think?

-Bring it on. -You bring it on.

-You bring it on -You...bring it on.

The faucet is still not fixed?

Hey, mankind built a rocket and traveled to the moon

faster than this.

Yeah, well, the astronauts' problems

weren't as out of this world as mine.

Of what do you speak, Jeremy?

Come, tell your troubles to the wise and handsome Efe.

Leah want to have another baby.

Huh? Run.

Run like a cheetah propelled by hurricane winds.

Man, I can't run. I'm married.

All I can do is shuffle in whatever direction

my wife point me in.

I told her we would try.

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.

How many times did I call your name?

Three.

It is your seed that fertilizes the flower.

If you do not want to grow one, do not plant one in the soil.

Man, that's easy for you to say. You ain't got no women.

Leah want a baby.

So she going to get my seed one way or another.

Not if you use your head.

When she tries to take you to the matrimonial bed

to have her way with you,

you simply pretend you have a headache.

Man, that might work for a day or two.

I can't pretend I have a headache every day.

Oh, but you can have a backache or a toothache.

A man has 78 body parts.

That's not gonna work. She'll catch on.

Then you change the script. Say you have a faucet to fix.

There are 97 appliances in this facility.

You know a lot of weird facts.

Hey, Jeremy.

I have something I need you to fix in the bedroom.

-What thing? -Come with me and I'll show you.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Ah, man. -What?

My head is going to explode, I have a headache.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, well, you better take a pain pill and come on upstairs.

[Leah] Get on upstairs.

Ah! Ah! Oh, my back.

Not my back, too. I'm getting old, baby.

Oh, and my elbow?

-Your elbow? -Yeah, my elbow.

You know, I had a little old tennis injury back there.

See, that hurt when I did it just then.

Jeremy, you never even played tennis.

Okay, all right.

And I got to fix the faucet because Efe

been complaining about that a lot lately.

You know what? Fine, Jeremy.

-The faucet and my back, baby. -Yeah, okay, faucet.

-That was close. Yeah. -Fix the faucet.

[muffled screaming]

[muffled screaming continues]

You okay there, Mr. Brown?

Oh, I heard you were babysitting Miss Kimberly's grandson.

You must be Theodore.

Yes, ma'am. We're playing cowboys.

I'm the sheriff. He's the bad guy, Brown Bart.

Oh, how fun. Yeah.

Shush, Brown Bart.

You varmint.

Prisoners aren't allowed to talk.

Well, Theodore, enjoy the fun while you can, babe.

One day you'll grow up and never get anything you want.

[muffled screaming]

Help!

Help! I've been tied up by Chucky!

Leah, what's colored you so blue?

I practically threw myself at Jeremy and he didn't even blink.

I guess I lost my touch.

Please, darling. A woman never loses her touch.

I played a 6,000-year-old mummy in the film Mummy Dearest ,

and men still sent me horny fan mail.

Why, one fan even said he'd beat the dust off my ancient--

Whoa! Oh, okay. All right. That's enough.

I, um, I don't know.

I guess men will sleep with anything.

Living or undead.

So what's up with Jeremy, then?

So what's the problem? Just seduce him.

Easy for you to say. You're a sexy Hollywood starlet.

You do have a point.

But I can teach you my techniques

so that no living man can resist.

Come on.

Now do as I do.

-First. -Mm-hmm.

Gaze into your target's eyes,

seductively.

Imagine he's a fresh dish of caviar.

Ew! I don't eat fish eggs.

Then pretend he's gas station nachos

or whatever you enjoy eating there.

Nachos? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Then pout your lips.

Arch your brow just slightly,

indicating sophistication and intrigue.

Sophistication and intrigue?

You know... Hey what's wrong with your face?

You drunk some milk, didn't you?

You know that milk give you the bubble guts, babe.

Why you do that again?

Stop doing that to yourself. What's going on?

No, I'm not having an allergic reaction, Jeremy.

I'm getting tips from an expert

on how to seduce my own frickin' husband.

So embarrassing.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, darling.

Me teaching the art of seduction was as doomed to fail

as Michael Jordan trying to teach an Average Joe

to dunk a basketball.

I'll leave you lovebirds to it.

I can't believe I have to take acting lessons

on how to seduce my husband.

Babe, you don't. All right?

Look, now I made the backache thing up.

Because I thought about it some more,

and I really just don't want to have a baby.

Okay, well, why didn't you just tell me that?

I just didn't want you being all upset and stuff,

and sometimes it's better to just go along with it.

I know it's stupid. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, why don't you want to try?

We make beautiful babies.

Yes, we made beautiful babies, twice.

So that's it? You done?

I just don't want to go back. You know, the seasons change.

-Fire two! -Ah! Why you doing this on me?

-Fire four! -Ah!

Help me! Somebody! Help me!

Send me an angel to free me from baby Satan!

-Yo! -What's happening?

Efe! My African angel! Untie me, this boy is crazy!

Young man, come here.

Mr. Brown is your elder. You must respect him

like the rhinoceros beetle respects the mighty lion.

Sorry, sir. It won't happen again.

Uh-huh. You see, Brown, I told you.

You have to show the child who's boss.

[Brown] That boy don't know nobody no boss.

There's something wrong with that boy!

He's got them spirits!

-That boy, something wrong. -Hold on.

[Efe gets shocked]

The mighty lion needs to go lie down.

You almost gave Efe a heart attack.

What's wrong with you, boy?

[Vinny] What's going on in here?

Vinny, see if you can make this boy behave.

No problem. Vinny got away with the...

That's gonna be my next invention, man.

Stretch pants with a nice thick belt.

'Cause I ain't nothing to play with now.

-You touch me, I'm calling 911. -Try me if you want to, boy.

You know snitches get stitches. I won't--

You can't commit no violence against kids.

That's illegal.

You don't want none of this smoke, boy.

I'm Vinny from the hood. I ain't the one to play with.

What is wrong with you?

[Jeremy] What's going on here, Mr. Brown?

I gave this boy some ice cream for lunch and he just went wild.

You did not give him ice cream for lunch.

Why would you do that?

Well, 'cause he said if I didn't give him no ice cream for lunch,

he was gonna tell Miss Kimberly I was being mean.

She'll break up with me,

I can't ask her for marriage, and we can't have our 2.5 kids.

We're gonna have two regular kids,

and we're gonna have a little person.

Look, look, Mr. Brown, I know you're trying to give him

everything he wants so that he'll like you.

But that always backfires. Kids like structure.

That shows them that you care about them.

-I do care about him. -Well, then show him.

Theodore! Get over here now. Come over here.

-I gotta get my deep voice? -Yes.

Theodore! Get over here now! Now!

See? I got it. Now!

Now why is it when your grandmother was here

you was acting nice,

then when she leave you gonna get all mean?

I don't know.

Sit down. I think...

I know what it is.

You think if you wasn't perfect,

she might send you off like you think your mother did.

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, I want you to get that out your mind.

Now your mama just going through something right now

and Miss Kimberly would never, never get rid of you.

She love you.

-You understand? -Yes, sir.

Yes.

You ain't got to try to be mean to run me off,

'cause I ain't going nowhere.

-Okay. -You sure?

-Yeah. -We cool?

-Okay. -All right.

Now let's start over.

What you gonna need,

we gonna start with you a nice nutritious meal.

We gonna get you some pork ribs with some fried okra.

-[Jeremy clears throat] -Okay.

We'll just get you some organic chicken nuggets

with some apple sauce.

Black kids don't eat apple sauce with no nuggets.

OK, we'll do that.

After that, we can go outside and play catch.

Do you think Philip mind if we borrowed his basketball?

He won't notice.

He too busy out there being a teenager,

hanging out with his friends and stuff.

He don't have no time to hang out with dad

and play catch anymore, I guess.

You sound salty like you need a kid or something.

-You can play with us, too. -Really?

I mean, yeah, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, after that, I can show you how to break somebody's ankles

without even putting a hand on them.

You want to see me break Mr. Jeremy's ankle?

Yeah.

And after that never happens,

then we can build a spaceship with Philip's old blocks.

Yeah. Come on. Let's go on out there. Come on.

Fire four!

I thought you was gonna be nice! Come on.

What you doing up here?

Packing up Sandra's childhood things.

Why are you doing that?

You know she's gotta come home from college

and she gonna be mad.

-This is her room. -Not anymore.

She'll get over it.

You know, my little Sandra's all grown up and in college,

so I realized that it's time I accepted reality

for what it is and move on.

Seasons change. You said that, remember?

Well, about that.

I got you a little something something.

-What's this? -Go on. Open it up.

-It's the one I wanted. -Mm-hmm.

I love it, but I don't understand.

You said I didn't need any more water bottles.

You don't need any more water bottles,

but you wanted one.

And as your husband, it's my duty to give you what you want.

Wait, are you, um, saying what I think you're saying?

Look, when you started talking about having a baby,

I just thought about all the bad things that come with that.

You know, the poopy diapers and the late-night changes,

all that stuff, man. It's just annoying.

Those things used to bother me.

Them leaving the room, not turning the light off.

-Ooh, right, when they do that. -Yeah.

But after helping Mr. Brown babysit Kimberly's grandson...

-Mm, so cute. -Yeah, he is.

I just started realizing how fun it is

to have a little kid around.

And it made me change the way I was thinking.

Mm, and let me guess,

build spaceships with those building blocks

that you always hide from me

every time I tell you to throw them out?

Maybe, yeah.

Yes, Jeremy.

Look, for all the aggravating things about children,

they are definitely a blessing.

-Amen. -Yeah.

So, um...

you ready to try again, Big Daddy?

You know I like when you call me Big Daddy.

-Yeah, Big Daddy. -Of course.

Yes, I am ready to try again. And again.

-Mm. -And again.

Not in here.

A little weird. Just a little bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Definitely can't fit a million kids in here.

Oh, now you got a million in you? OK!

Hey, bring the horsey.

What you gonna do, boy?

[Brown] Look there. Look there.

Put the black one over here. Right.

Put it right on top of that one. [phone beeps]

Hold on. Oh! Looks like...

There you go. Put it right there.

You ain't not much of a builder.

You won't be no engineer when you grow up.

Looks like your granny's on her way back.

Ooh, can I have a candy bar?

Yeah, sure you can have a candy bar--

No.

If you have a candy bar, it's gonna make your stomach hurt.

You already had ice cream.

You'll blow the back out your drawers.

You don't wanna do that.

-Okay? -Okay.

Then you eat all that candy, get a whole bunch of cavities,

and then your teeth come all out,

and you'll be walking around looking like that.

-You wanna be looking like that? -No.

Well, then let's eat some fruit, OK?

-OK. -All right.

[Doorbell rings] We'll get you some fruit.

Sorry I took so long.

-Did you have fun, Theodore? -Yes, he did.

Oh.

-Aw! -I had a blast.

Do we have to go now, or can we stay a little longer?

That's up to Mr. Brown.

Well, no, Theodore can't go nowhere, we gotta get his fruit,

and we gotta finish building our little tower, our spaceship.

See, girl?

We gotta repair it so it can blast off

and go into the sky and get me a moon rock,

and then it can come back and I can eat the cheese.

Yes, and then we can escape

from the planet of the lunatic cowboys.

-Lunatic cowboys? -Yes. It's a long story.

We'll tell you someday about the lunatic cowboys.

Yes, this boy may be a good Boy Scout,

because he ties stuff up good, especially hogs.

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