All language subtitles for American Dad s21e07 An Adult Woman.eng

[? jolly music playing]

Big day.

Not only am I about
to crack the recipe for an at-home Orange Julius,

it's also hamster day.

I'm adopting a hamster.

The lady's coming
to drop it off right now.

- [video game beeping]
- Oh, that's fun.

It's always so fun with you.

Say, uh, remind me
to do something in five minutes.

What do you have to do?

Something.

Don't worry about it.

Just tell me when it's
been five minutes. Jeez.

I'm insane busy.

Just set a timer
on your phone.

This is a Game Boy.

Stan confiscated my phone

because I didn't
take out the trash.

That shouldn't be my job.

It takes me all weekend.

- [doorbell rings]
- [squeals]

- Hayley Smith?
- My hamster!

No, not yours yet.

I need to take
a quick look around first.

Oh, didn't realize this
wasn't a done dealio.

You know, I thought
about buying one,

but just
couldn't do it. Had to rescue.

We appreciate it.

Me too. Free hamster.

Like, I have money,
but I don't have hamster money.

Oh, wow. What happened here?

Science, art, magic.

I'm about to disrupt
the entire Orange Julius sector on a grand scale.

Are you stoned?

Yeah, but I could go
again if you want to.

I call it "Hayley Julius."

Shouldn't it be
"Orange Hayley"?

Uh, no.

"Julius" is the money word.

I'm gonna be
so rich in business.

- I see.
- Wait till you see in your mouth.

[gags] This-a
tastes like kaka.

I cannot leave
this hamster with you.

What? Why?

If I'm being honest,

you're not ready
to take care of anyone or anything.

You seem like a big child.

I am an adult woman.

[woman] No, you're not!

No. No, she's not.

[? theme song playing]

? Good morning, USA ?

? I got a feeling
That it's gonna be A wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shining a salute
To the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good morning, USA ?

[Roger] Ah!

[chorus]
? Good morning, USA ?

Let's circle back after Japan.

[speaking Japanese]

Hayley, whatever
this is, I can't.

I got 12 deals
to close by EOD.

I am shook.

People don't see me
as an adult.

I'm an adult, right?

This hamster lady said
I was a big child.

Is it 'cause I'm trying to do
all the Hayley Julius stuff?

It's certainly not helping.

[? music playing on speakers]

? I had the time of my life ?

[door slams]

Speaking of big children,

my 13-year-old
daughter, Gilda,

is home from Swiss
boarding school.

All she does is
sit in her room

and watch Dirty Dancing
over and over.

Love Dirty Dancing.

Great movie. Sexy as hell.

Don't be disgusting.

But, yeah, someone
should talk to her. Not me, of course.

I have my hands full
with all my deals.

My smoking-hot wife,
her smoking-hot mom, is dead.

Great woman. Jewish woman.

She wanted Gilda
raised Jewish.

But I'm raising her nothing

because I just don't
have the time,

to raise her
or to talk to her.

This is quite a story.

My daughter is
going through something probably.

Sounds like definitely.

Yeah. Gonna have
my assistant send her an email.

Hi, Devante.

Send Gilda an email
with the message, "Walk it off."

Wait. This is the perfect
thing for me to do.

Okay. Do you have her email?

I don't, but I'll have
Devante forward.

- Roger--
- Barney Bux.

- It sounds
like this girl-- - Gilda.

Which is also you, I assume?

It is me,
but I don't want to belabor that.

Wasn't going to.

You said your
13-year-old daughter

is very into
Dirty Dancing all of a sudden?

Uh, paging Dr. Hayley.

Diagnosis: tweenage
sexual awakening.

Sounds like Gilda just needs
a super-cool adult woman

to be there for her.

Something that I am.

Owie!

'Sup? I'm Hayley.

Dirty Dancing. Noice.

Just came by to chat.
Uh, would you mind pausing the movie?

After this part.

This is a good part.

The good parts
start at the beginning and go to the end.

Damn right they do.

Baby's dad is mad,
but he just doesn't understand.

Shh. This is where
she goes swimming.

In shorts.

Oh, Jennifer Grey
is laughing so much

when he tickles her armpit.

Do we think that was scripted?

It feels... [sighs] very real.

? I've had
The time of my life ?

Baby's sister
can't sing for shit.

I heard when
they finished shooting,

the cast had a huge
water balloon fight.

Jerry Orbach got
hit in the face,

and did not take it well.

[? serene music playing]

So, what's up with
all the Dirty Dancing?

Nothing
is up with it. I watch it.

You don't have
to be embarrassed.

I'm cool.

I get it, 'kay?

And I'll never judge you.

You're 13.

You're having
some new feelings.

- That's not it.
- Of course it is.

It's like one day
you're a potato

and the next you're electric.

All you want to do is dance
while wearing crop tops and high heels and tights.

See, but you don't have
any freaking tights.

And your mom's heels

don't fit your
extra-wide feet.

It's like trying to shove
a steak into a keyhole.

But crop tops?

Crop tops you can do.

Crop tops could be your thing.

I guess they could be.

They're my thing
and I'm still speaking.

Oh, every time the wind
brushes your bellybutton,

you still hear
the immortal words of Patrick Swayze,

not the actor, the lyricist,

singing She's Like the Wind.

And these feelings
of yours are normal.

- Okay, but--
- But you're scared.

Because you
don't have a clue what you're doing.

And that's why I'm here.

To help you, guide you,

teach you, not preach you,

about what
you're fascinated by, but also scared of.

Let's talk boys.

You want to kiss 'em?

- Well, I--
- Well, you can't. Gilda, come on.

There's an order
to these things.

Step one,
step two, step three.

It goes talk to boy,
get to know boy, then kiss boy.

It's the whole reason
why we're here.

- On Earth?
- At the mall.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

Fountain boys.

- Which one do you like?
- I don't like any of them.

I don't want to be
at this mall.

You're acting so ashamed
of your normal, healthy feelings.

[through gritted teeth]
Get it together.

? Hungry eyes ?

? One look at you
And I can't disguise ?

? I've got hungry-- ?

The one
in the Pokemon shirt, that's Charizard.

So... [chuckles]
you know he's a little edgy.

Gilda?

Help me. I lost the girl I was
supposed to be taking care of.

Big hair? Nerd vibe?

She followed the pastor
into the church.

Church? What church?

You're in a Church's Chicken.

There's always
a church in the back of a Church's Chicken.

Oh, I didn't know that.

If I'm being honest,

you seem like
you don't know much.

Gilda, you can't just
wander off like that.

I was worried.

I found the boy I like.

? Hungry eyes ?

Uh... that's a man.

I'm gonna talk to him,
get to know him,

and then
I'm gonna kiss him, just like you said.

Jesus Christ.

[chuckling] No, you idiot.

He's just a pastor.

[? romantic music playing]

God is everywhere. Mm-kay?

There. There. There.

Over here. Under there.

He's amazing at preaching.

I'm sorry, but this
church is super weird.

It's not even Sunday.

It's open every single day,
and we just keep coming?

What's that about?

Your guidance brought me here.

I'm now shame-free.
I like the pastor.

I "like him" like him.

Awesome.

God is good.

He should do good things.

You should do good things.

Good grief.

Wow. I'm gonna do
lots of good things.

Starting with step one. Eee!

And now, Amazing Grace.

? Amazing grace ?

? How sweet the sound... ?

Order 579 is ready.
Check your tickets please.

? That saved a wretch ?

? Like me... ?

579, order's up.

[vocalizing]

- Let's go.
- No.

We've been here three times,
and I'm still on step zero.

That's totally fine.

Thanks for being
patient with me while I get up the courage

- to do the thing
you said I should do. - Well, you know--

I know I can do this.

I'm doing it.

Hi.

[Gilda laughing]

I did it! I'm out of control!

All that
going to church stuff was cool,

but now it's time
to stop doing that.

- Right?
- Wrong.

Strawberry ChapStick
is a little forward, root beer is too funky,

but blue razz says
quiet sophistication.

Oh, what if we had a sleepover

and ate Fruit Roll-Ups
until we puked?

Nah.

Step one is done.

Step two is get to know him.

And I already
know him profoundly,

so I guess it's
on to step three.

Kiss him!

Ah! I've never been
more ready for anything.

[panting loudly]

Gilda, you don't know him.

You don't know
anything about him.

Uh, yes, I do.
I know his address,

how to undo the latch
on the gate of his apartment complex,

his unit number
and where he keeps his spare key.

Tonight's the night.

I'm gonna be with a man,
just like you said.

I didn't say that!

[scoffs] Roger, seriously,

you can't have Gilda
go after a grown man.

I'm doing this for you

so you can prove
you're an adult.

Don't make me
break character again.

I am an adult.

Well, I am in love.

And you said
you'd never judge me.

It sounds like
you are judging me.

What? No. Never.

I'll... uh, even drive you
to the pastor's apartment.

You would do that for me?

Of... course. BRB.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's going badly,
but I can fix it.

- Hold on a sec.
- She has a thing for a pastor.

I'm supposed
to be raising her Jewish, Hayley.

[? romantic music playing,
Eric Carmen, "Hungry Eyes"]

- Okay, sir, this stops now.
- [music stops]

- What?
- Just cool it on being so hot.

You have been
really inappropriate

with an impressionable
young woman.

I have in no way
been inappropriate with anyone.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Uh, how about walking in here

with an ass
like that, for one?

You have a hot face.

Your dimples are insane.

Okay, now I'm feeling it.

So just stop it.

Have a little decency.

Turn around.

Turn back around. Jeez Louise.

You need to hide
your body more.

Are you hearing my message?

Steer clear of Gilda.

- Who?
- You're disgusting,

with your perfect
shoulders, too.

I bet you could
spin me in the air

on one finger like
I'm a big basketball.

[bleep] it. Use two.
It's inappropriate.

You're the one
being inappropriate.

You are making me
be inappropriate.

Some hot piece of tail
showing up in Langley

with incredible
dance training?

This should be illegal.

I'm calling
the police... on dat ass.

Praise be, hallelujah.

If I took a bite
out of that peach, I would chip a tooth.

This is harassment.

His ass-ment.

His ass is like cement.

I am talking hard.

Jesus Christ!

Did you just use
the Lord's name in vain?

[gasps] Wow. Okay. Got it.

None of this
was making sense, but it finally does.

Is this
a Sister Act situation?

If it is, you have to tell me.

Like, from the
movie Sister Act,

with Whoopi Goldberg?

Don't play dumb with me.

You know what Sister Act is.

Are you insinuating
that I'm just a fun and charismatic performer

who is hiding out in a church
pretending to be clergy

because I witnessed a murder

carried out by
the Bingoni Mob?

- Get real.
- [door slams open]

- [mobster] That's him.
The Bingonis say hello. - [gunshots]

- [grunts]
- [Hayley gasps]

[door shuts]

Oh, my God. Was this my fault?

No, no.

I can't be responsible
for everyone.

Okay. Good news and bad news.

Uh, the good news
is that someone said hello to the pastor.

The bad news is it
was a Mob-style hello where he got got.

- What?
- He's gone.

Gone? Where?

Heaven, I guess.

Then I'm going to heaven too.

Goodbye forever.

Stop! Ugh, jeez.

I'm trying to steer you,

but you're like
a bad shopping cart

that veers right
into the wall.

- I'm gonna do it!
- Then you'll never see him again.

Because you
can't go to heaven if you kill yourself.

Those pricks
thought of everything.

Right.

So the only way
to go to heaven

is to do what the pastor
says and do good deeds.

Lots and lots.

So let's just keep you
very with the good deeds.

You mean, like mitzvahs?
I'm supposed to be Jewish.

Hold. "A mitzvah
is... a good deed."

So, yes, yes,
let's channel all of that amazing,

intense crazy girl energy
into the doing of mitzvahs.

[chuckles] How's that
for being an adult woman?

[? jaunty music playing]

Yep, I did this.

We're doing good work here.

Oh, would you
like to help as well?

No. She's doing that part.

I would love some
more soup, though.

[? jaunty music
continues playing]

I brought her here.

Emotionally and physically.

[sighs] It feels so good.

Can I get some soup?

Um... no.

[? jaunty music
continues playing]

[line ringing]

I fixed everything.

I'm in a meeting.
I can't talk.

Gilda hasn't mentioned
the pastor in months,

and she's been named
"Female Mensch of the Year."

Oh, her mom would be so happy.

Listen, I'm very busy.

I'm pretending to be in Japan,
pretending to close a deal.

Thank you so much
for recognizing me

as "Female Mensch
of the Year."

Whoo!

Why do we do good deeds?

Because it's our moral duty
to leave the world better than we found it? No.

[burps loudly]

It's so we can
just die already, go to heaven

and do step three
with the hot pastor.

My adult friend Hayley
taught me all of this.

But the thing is,
it's taking too long.

So I found a loophole.

Whatever
the pastor knew, I also know.

I saw the Bingonis
do whatever.

- [door slams open]
- [mobster] She knows too much!

- [gunfire]
- [people screaming]

Listen, we are on the run now,

so we got to stay safe.

[yawning] Yeah, I guess so.

I'm too sleepy to talk.

Can you tell me a story?

Yeah, sure.

Once upon a time,

I thought I was an adult.

I tried to be there for you,

but I just kept making
everything worse.

Mm, this is a bad story.

[snoring]

In a way, you're Roger.

But you're also real.

I will fix this.

I will take care of you.

And no matter what,

I'll never let...

- [snoring]
- ...them hurt you.

- [door slams open]
- [mobster] We know to whom you are referring.

[gunfire]

Where's Gilda?

Where am I?

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

You must be Hayley.

Welcome. This is for you.

- Oh, okay.
- Picture's up!

There's Baby.

That's Baby's dad.
Am I in the shot?

No. You're doing great.

Roll sound. Roll camera.

Hold for sound. Wait.
Is that the pastor?

He dead. Am I dead?

Hi. Is this heaven

or am I somehow
a boom mic operator

on the set of Dirty Dancing?

All of the above.

Heaven is Dirty Dancing.

But more specifically,

heaven is the moment
on the set of Dirty Dancing

when we, the people
behind the camera,

realize that we're making
something really special.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Real quick. Are you God?

Kind of. I'm Emile Ardolino,
the director of Dirty Dancing.

Okay. You want to hear
something really crazy?

I also directed Sister Act!

- Get the [bleep] out.
- You get the [bleep] out.

Damn.

Gilda would love it here.

And my arm's not even tired.

This is so wild.

Please wake up.
We don't have to be on the run anymore.

I explained to that Mob family

that I was joking
about knowing whatever.

They were surprisingly cool.

I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.

But if you die
and kiss my boyfriend, so help me God--

- [door opens]
- Oh. Hi.

I thought you were in Japan.

I was. I'm back.

How do you know Hayley?

And another thing
you can do in heaven

is come up to
the screening room

and watch
your favorite scene over and over again,

as if for the first time.

- [whispers] It's exquisite.
- The armpit tickle scene?

You really like that scene,
more than anyone else.

But as I'm sure you know,

Dirty Dancing
is a rich and deep text,

and as such, holds different
meanings for different people.

I did not know that.

I thought it was just sexy
and horny and stuff.

For example, you love
the armpit tickle scene.

But your friend Gilda
loves this scene.

When I'm wrong,
I say I'm wrong.

You looked
wonderful out there.

[Hayley] Oh, my God.

I was totally wrong
about what Gilda was getting from the movie.

I finally know
how to fix things.

Not ready to go
to the big Dirty Dancing

screening room
in the sky just yet.

[gasps] She wasn't boy-crazy.

She was man-crazy.

About her dad.

But not like that.

I'm the one who got her
obsessed with boys.

I met Emile Ardolino,
and he showed me that you can't

actually care for someone

if you aren't
seeing them clearly.

Everything went off the rails

because I was pushing
my stuff on you.

Yeah, I tried to tell you,
but you were talking so much at the mall.

- You're talking a lot now too.
- Oh, good. You're both here.

- Roger--
- Barney Bux!

You need to make it right.

Tell her all the things
you never said.

Okay.

- Your mother died.
- Yeah, I know.

- How?
- I figured it out.

Not this. Say the lines.

Oh. I have been distant
these last 13 years.

No, say the lines
from the movie.

That's where the magic is.

Can't I just say
what I feel personally?

Absolutely not.

Say, "When I'm wrong,
I say I'm wrong."

When I'm wrong,
I say I'm wrong.

Then look at your
beautiful daughter,

who is blossoming
into her own person.

She's becoming a woman.

You see that now.

Say, "You looked
wonderful out there."

- Out where?
- Just say it!

You looked
wonderful out there.

? Now I've had
The time of my life ?

? And I've never
Felt like this before ?

? Yes, I swear
It's the truth ?

? And I owe it all to you ?

? 'Cause I've had
The time of my life ?

[whooshing]

Raider Dave!

Wow. All roads
lead to Raider Dave.

Well done, Hayley.

- You looked
wonderful out there. - [window shatters]

I've seen enough.

I hereby declare you
an adult woman.

This hamster is yours.

Hey, did my family
come to visit me while I was in a coma?

Hmm.
No one told them, I don't think.

Haven't seen 'em in a while,
if I'm being honest.

- Hayley, is it
five minutes yet? - [video game beeping]

No answer? Really?

I have to do
everything around here.

"Klaus, take out the trash."

"Klaus, we're going inside
the new meat freezer for five minutes

"to see if anyone gets cold."

"Klaus, make sure you come
get us in five minutes." Blah, blah, blah.

Oh.

So, did anyone get cold?

And I refuse to take out
the trash anymore.

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