Original subtitles

JUNIOR: I need to talk to you, Dad. I lost my wedding ring

again. I'm a dead man walking.

[Poppa moaning]

[stammers]

That sounds... that sounds serious. Dad, come on, man. This

is an emergency. I need your help.

Can't you see I'm on the floor, fool?

[grunting]

[moaning]

Oh, my God, Dad. Are you... able to loan me some money? I got to

get a replacement for this wedding ring before Nina kills

me. It's the third time I lost it. I have a question for you,

son. Mm-hmm. You ever ask yourself, "Hey, why was Dad on

the floor?"

You hurt your back? Yes. My sciatica is acting up. Okay,

well, you should go to the doctor, then. No, you know I

don't do doctors. First time I went to the doctor, they gave me

diabetes. You mean they discovered you had diabetes. No.

Everything was fine until they told me I had diabetes. Now I

can't eat nothing sweet except toothpaste.

Oh, is that why you always steal the kids' bubblegum toothpaste?

Yes, it's delicious.

[grunts]

Easy, just easy, eas--

[grunting]

[exhales]

Okay.

[exhales]

Uh-huh.

[sighs]

Uh-huh.

[grunts]

Okay.

[grunts]

So, um... I already have half the money for the ring. I just

need the other $997.52. I'll tell you what, Mr. Sensitive.

I'll loan you the money if you help me out until my back gets

better. Okay. Yeah, and your first job is to get me a toilet

that doesn't break on me. You got it, champ.

[muttering]

Yeah, okay. Top of the line. You deserve it.

[shouts]

♪ Poppa's ♪ House ♪ Yeah.

[straining]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

[singsongy]: Good morning!

[chuckles]

Hi, Poppa.

[screams]

Are you in pain? No, I was singing James Brown, "Living in

America." Oh, I love that song. ♪ Living in America.

[vocalizing]

Ow!

Junior?

[singsongy]: Junior!

Yes, Dad? Okay, what in the Gone with the Wind is going on

between you two? Nothing. Listen, is it done? Uh, yes, the

installer just finished with your fancy new toilet. The seat

lifts up, the toilet flushes by itself, so it will be easy to

use until your back gets better. Aha! I knew you were hurt. You

know, you should go see a doctor about that. You probably just

need to get a cortisone shot. Yeah, why don't you give me one?

Well, I'm not that kind of doctor. Exactly. You're not a

doctor. How would you know? You've never seen one. And I do

have a background in nursing. Listen, Junior, if brickhead is

not gonna see a doctor, then I can help you out. All right, I

will just, I'll get you an icepack.

Right here. And I don't want you to go anywhere else. Don't leave

me alone with that woman. She's got designs on me, see? Why are

you talking like a detective from the '40s?

[old-timey voice]: She got designs on me, see? She's got

nice getaway sticks.

[chuckles]

You laugh. But she's always giving me those sexy eyes and

the touchy, touchy feely and... and don't get me started with

the flirty, dirty comments she's doing. What, like, "I'll get you

an icepack"? Yeah, you heard it like that, I hear it like,

[sexy voice]: "I'll get you an icepack, Poppa."

See, it starts with the icepack, and then next thing you know

she's bringing you flowers, and then she's walking away with

half your money. Wait, how did you get from icepack to alimony?

I don't know. Ask your mother.

But wait a minute, I don't understand. Did he lose the ring

or not? He did not. I told him I took it to get cleaned, but he

wasn't listening, so now he thinks he lost it. He only hears

me when it's about sex. JUNIOR: You say something, babe? I want

him to understand how important this is to me. He won't even

come clean. JUNIOR: I washed it!

He even wore oven mitts to bed last night so I couldn't see the

ring was missing. Holding him accountable. I like that.

Speaking of liking that, what's up with you and Poppa? Ew! I'm

just trying to help the man out. Mm. Girl, I don't miss a beat. I

know what I know. I see how you are with him. Please! I would

never get involved with somebody I work with. I wrote a book

about that. It's called Don't Jeopardize That Paycheck, Girl.

Mm. Not buying it. Well, you should. It's available online.

Now enough about me and P-bear. I mean Poppa. What are you gonna

do about this ring? Oh, I'm gonna milk it. JUNIOR: Coming!

What the hell is this thing? This thing is the new toilet I

was talking about. Super fancy. You don't got to do nothing.

Just walk up to it. Watch.

[toilet speaks Japanese]

[gasps]

Wha-what said that? The toilet. It, uh, greets you in Japanese.

It's a sign of respect. Thank you for your poo-poo and your

pee-pee. Get out, I got to go. All right. I'll be waiting for

you outside. Why you smiling like that? You'll see.

[liquid tinkling]

[Poppa chuckling]

[Poppa giggling]

[toilet speaks Japanese]

[Poppa laughing]

[Poppa speaking gibberish]

[bell ringing]

Did you know this thing did the squirt thing? Oh, yeah. This

thing needs to come with a consent form. Oh, yeah. If you

put some heels on it, you could take it downtown and make a

fortune.

[laughs]

Oh! Spasms! Aw, Dad, come on, you're getting worse. All right?

You're on a walker. Your back is spasming. You need to go to a

doctor. Ah, I'm fine. I'm an athlete. I play through pain.

Like Jordan. He had the flu. Scored 38 points. Kobe popped

his Achilles. Still hit two critical free throws. And don't

get me started on Mr. Dennis Rodman. He still looks sick. But

he plays through the pain... of being ugly.

[grunts]

You are ridiculous. All right? If you're not gonna go the

doctor, I quit. Yeah, well, then I won't loan you the money for

the ring. Fine, I don't care. I'll either find it or I'll tell

Nina I lost it myself. You come back here and wipe me!

Hey. Did he go see a doctor yet? No, and I'm done trying to help

him! All right, don't you worry. I will get him to a doctor.

♪

Hey, husband.

[screaming]

Whatcha doing? Just, uh, hanging out. Admiring your boots.

Wondering... if they come in my size. Why are they on your

hands? For dancing.

Come here, take 'em off. I want to see some skin. Oh. Sock

puppets.

[chuckles]

It's me and you.

[high voice]: Hey, baby.

[deep voice]: How you doing? Who was that? It's you.

[normal voice]: It's your morning voice.

[deep voice]: I'm not in the mood again. Well, I will be

after you strip-- And who might those puppets be?

[chuckles]

It's our kids. It's Maya and Trey.

[high voice]: We love you, Mommy, so much, 'cause you're so

forgiving. And so tall.

I don't need no doctors. I don't need no Junior. All I need is my

new friend Mr. Grab-it. Okay, come here, PB and J.

[grunts]

Daddy got you, PB and J. I got-- Oh, come here. Yes, baby, you

want daddy. I got it.

[chuckles]

I got you right here, come on. Oh, damn!

Junior! You rang? Yes, for Junior. Well, Junior told me

you're insufferable. And I told Junior that's why people have

caretakers who aren't family, someone like me. Well, I don't

want you. I want my ungrateful son!

[grunting]

No. You want the path of least resistance. Now I'm gonna take

care of you, because I know exactly what you need. Is Junior

in that bag? Just his head.

[laughs]

That's not fun-- ow! Ah, spasms![

[grunts]

Spasms-- Ooh! All right. Are you okay?

[stammering]

Here you go, here you go. What are you doing to-- Oh. What are

you-- What are you doing to me? No means yes.

And yes means deeper. Ah. Your little Grinch fingers are

magical.

[grunts]

Now let's open up the hangar. No. Ah!

Hey, that's actually pretty good. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Let me

try that.

[chuckles]

You know, this isn't my first time taking care of someone. I

had actually dropped out of nursing school to take care of

my brother. Really? How's he now? He died. Was it the soup?

It's okay. He was actually really stubborn, just like you.

By the time he finally made it to the doctor, it was too late.

I had a similar experience with my dad. He spent his life

avoiding doctors. He used to call them "quacks." And then,

one day, he was complaining about a cold in his shoulder.

They took him to the hospital and he never came home. Couldn't

duck the quacks, huh? Get it?

Okay, finally, something funny came out your face.

[laughs]

You know, um, if my brother had gone to the doctor a little

earlier...

[clears throat]

...he might still be here.

My dad just didn't believe in them. I mean, the last time he

went to the doctor, he was born.

Wow. Poppa, I just want you to be here for a long time. And

don't worry. I'm not a wuss like Junior, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm here, silly billy.

[chuckles]

Mm.

♪

She's not going anywhere... Yeah.

[gasps]

[panting, groaning]

[screams]

Looking for your wallet, Mr. Dirty Birdie? Yes. There's

nothing inside. I spent it all. No... Give me my money! You know

what happens to little dirty birdies who don't do as they're

told?

[crying]: No, I don't know. Mama makes sure that you spend the

rest of your life in misery. No!

That's a big-ass book.

Did you write that whole thing? Yes, in two days, like Tyler

Perry. No!

No. You're in misery. Listen, please, please. Whatever you're

thinking about doing, don't do it. Don't do it! I already have

a clubfoot.

[shushes]

Now you'll have two.

[pained groaning]

[cackling evilly]

I told you I was funny.

[cackling evilly]

[snorting, laughing]

[screams]

[panting]

Junior!

[grunts]

[screams]

[groans]

[grunting]

Dad! The whole block heard you screaming. What's going on?

She's trying to kill me! Who? Dr. Reed. She's Kathy Bates. She

got a sledgehammer. She hit the clubfoot. Get me out of here,

son. Get me out of here. So, you want to go to the doctor? Yes,

any doctor but Dr. Reed. Any doctor but Dr. Reed.

[car door closes]

Oh, she's back. Hurry!

[grunts]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[groans]

Okay.

Hurry! Hurry. Hurry.

Can you touch your toes? Absolutely. There.

I can touch yours, too.

You see, Doc? This is what he does, all right? H-He's in

denial about getting older. And I don't like it. You know,

there's no shame in getting older, Mr. Fulton.

[forced chuckle]

It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Especially if you

take care of your health. I know the hustle.

[snaps fingers]

Go ahead. Write your little prescription so you can get your

free trip to Tahiti and the boat from big pharma, and then, me

and my little manservant here can be on our merry little way.

I'll do you one better. Come here. What's got-- What... Oh.

[bones cracking]

Get-- Oh! Ooh.

Ooh. Wow. That feels good.

What's that gonna cost me? Just some humility. I'm just a doctor

you can trust. Yeah, right. I don't trust any doctor except

for Dr. J, Dr. Dre and Dr Pepper.

[laughs]

You're quite a card. Yeah, that's what they tell me. Now

open wide. Hmm? Open wide? Oh, I can't get to your prostate from

there.

What? Say what now? I'm out. ♪

[humming]

One trip to the doctor and you're good as new. Dr. Reed was

right. You know what? That Dr. Reed got a crush on me. She

probably wants to move in, do IVF, and have, like, ten kids,

and then divorce me and take the other half of my money.

[sighs]

Dad, seriously. What is so wrong with someone being tender and

showing that they care about you? Son, after the way things

ended with me and your mother, I promised myself I'd never be

tricked into falling in love again. Yeah, well, if you, you

know, if you shut yourself off, you're in a self-imposed prison.

I'd rather be in Alcatraz than to have to manage someone else's

feelings and be on someone else's schedule. Well, I've got

news for you, Pop. If you're in Alcatraz, you are on someone

else's schedule. Yeah, that's true, but love is different. It

hurts.

[mimics Poppa]: Yeah, yeah. Love is a racket, see?

[snapping fingers]

First, they want you to move in with them, hmm. Then comes with

the delicious soups, right? Then, they make your life all

better, mm. Man... Man, seriously. You got to open

yourself up to new experiences, man. You know what? If I'm being

honest, Ivy is actually not that bad. She's kind of sweet.

JUNIOR: Yeah. POPPA: And very kind. I hate her laughter. That

laugh is crazy. POPPA: And the other thing is, to be honest,

I... I just don't want to start up nothing that I'm probably

gonna ruin.

♪ Stupid...

[muttering]

...ring!

Are you kidding me?

[laughing maniacally]

Yes. Yes.

[imitating Gollum]: Yes... My ring.

[normal voice]: It's always in the most obvious place. Ah! Drop

the ring, Gollum.

[mimics Gollum]: My precious.

[snarling]

Have a seat. I want you to take a look at these.

JUNIOR: Huh.

This guy looks just like me.

Oh.

You thought you lost your wedding ring and you were trying

to hide it from me. Admit it.

[sighs]

Fine. I'll admit it, I-I lost my ring and I owe you an apology.

You know, I-I know our rings symbolize our love and

commitment for each other and I was just scared to death that

you were gonna think I didn't value that. Thank you for saying

that. And you didn't lose your ring. Come again? I took it to

get it cleaned. Well, why didn't you tell me? I did try to tell

you, but you weren't paying any attention. So I decided to have

a little fun and play "hide the ring."

There's been something I've been wanting to do. Oh.

[chuckles]

It's gonna be hard getting it off, but we can try.

Damon Throckmorton Fulton Jr. Aw...

[nervous chuckle]

Second of his name... Girl, I'm about to get married. First in

my heart... Aw... ...will you continue to be my adorably

forgetful husband?

Oh, my gosh, wow!

Yes, baby. A thousand times yes.

♪ Hey, yo. I had a near-death experience. He tweaked his back,

Poppitos and Doccitos. Yeah. The point is, I felt like I was

gonna die. Well, they say when you have near-death experiences

and your life flashes before your eyes, that the people who

matter the most come to mind. Yeah, well. What came to mind

for me was all the mistakes I made before and the ones that I

don't ever want to make again. Well, that doesn't mean you

should stop trying. You're right. You know, maybe if I had

a beautiful woman like you in my life, I'd be motivated to be a

better man. Oh, P-bear.

[gasps]

Had a bad dream, baby?

[gasps]

[relieved groan]

False alarm. Go back to sleep, little buddy.

Okay. Big buddy.

[grunting]

[panting]

I'm actioning.

So, is it done yet? Yes, the, uh, installer just finished you

with your... Son of a gun, why is the word not coming out? The

installer just finished with your fancy new toilet. Yes.

Here. Hey!

[production crew laughing]

I know all the words now.

All I needed was a kiss. All right. Captioned byMedia Access

Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org