Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Thank you, Patricia. That was lovely.

Absolutely lovely.

Your turn to make breakfast is always something of an adventure.

- I thought I'd try something special. - Well, indeed.

A lesser woman would not even have attempted "oeufs a la mayonnaise."

Yes, and it almost worked, didn't it?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Apart, of course, for the absence of oeufs.

- I broke them all. - And mayonnaise.

It curdled.

But all in all the most delicious plate of "a la"

I've ever tasted.

Now then, since we have a few moments to spare

Let's have another bash at my lines.

All right, but we'll have to hurry.

- Take it from the top of page 34. - Yes.

Avast, ye lubbers,

'tis pan and his lost boys come to board me.

Swish, swish.

You shall not murder tinkerbell, hook.

Think ye not? I'll keelhaul ye, Peter Pan.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

That's awfully good. Very scary.

Well, I feel scary. This will be my year, Patricia.

At tonight's audition I shall carry all before me.

You ought to. You're obviously the best.

- Oh, no, no. - I'm afraid you'll end up playing the crocodile

- That swallowed a clock as usual. - Yes, that's true.

Every year I've gone to the "Peter Pan" auditions

And buckled my swash till my timbers shivered.

And every year I've been presented

With seven feet of green foam rubber

And informed that my lines are "tick" and "tock."

Not this year, I can assure you.

I have prepared fully.

Swish, swish.

The part of captain hook is mine.

Well, I hope so.

It makes me furious to see you passed over for lesser men.

Last year I nearly turned in my tomahawk.

Now, you mustn't do that, Patricia.

You make a wonderful red indian maid.

Oh, I don't think so - that silly little costume.

- My thighs are too fat. - Patricia, what an absurd thing to say.

- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice. - No I'm not.

I'm sure any number of indian maids have fat thighs.

"Gasforth amateur drama society."

What's all that then?

Fannying about in tights?

No, Derek, we only fanny about in tights

When we do shakespeare.

This concerns the annual pantomime.

Robust singers required for the chorus.

- Interested? - It sounds boring to me.

I'd rather have a cup of tea in front of the telly.

Of course you would, Derek.

That is because you have the soul of an amoeba

And the imagination of a pot noodle.

You'd be bored watching Olivier play Hamlet.

Well, I don't like football,

Especially foreign teams.

Well, each to their own.

I'm sure you can't sing anyway.

When I gave my karaoke "careless whisper"

On our last holiday, my wife wept.

Derek, we require thespians, not yobs.

You couldn't get a small roll in a bakery,

Let alone justify a place in a major am-dram panto.

You just ain't got it, kid.

Avast ye lubbers, ha-ha.

- ( door closes ) - ( glass breaks )

So, how did it go, dear?

Treachery...

Thy name is Gasforth am-dram soc.

Who is going to play hook?

"avast ye lubbers,

'tis Peter Pan and his lost boys

Come to board me."

( laughs )

You should have seen me, Kray.

They were all there.

The snooty, snotty,

Toity, hoity, farty, arty,

Decaffeinated, fruit-flavored tea-bag,

Semi-skimmed cream of Gasforth elite.

Fowler was wearing legwarmers.

( chuckles ) No?

The bloke stood there looking like a bird

At an aerobics class,

Fannying on about internal motivation.

I said, "rubbish, mate.

All you have to do is shout."

And I got the part.

The director said I was clearly

A suppressed thespian.

Blimey. I'd have smacked him in the mouth.

Oh, well, I mustn't grumble.

I am to be Grim's understudy.

And I've been entrusted with the important,

Indeed pivotal role of the crocodile-

In many ways a more challenging part.

- Patricia, I've got it! - ( screams )

I'll try an accent - a glaswegian perhaps.

Tack towk, tack towk,

Tack towk, tack towk,

Jimmy.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Christmas eve, ladies and gentlemen,

Christmas eve.

Now I realize, of course, that the yuletide shift

Denies those involved certain traditional treats.

Not for us the last-minute present wrapping,

Carols round the tree,

Grandpa smoking his pipe

Enjoying a good rough shag.

Constable Habib...

- Have I said something amusing? - No, sir.

Perhaps you find all this talk of christmas unsettling.

I realize of course that this station is not a monoculture

And that you do not celebrate the season.

Oh, no sir. I think people of any culture and religion

Can respect the true meaning of Christmas.

Ah yes, peace on earth and good will to all men.

Well, yeah, that. And getting rat-faced

And ending up with your head down the toilet.

Yes, in our case all that must wait.

Not for us the simple pleasures of Christmas-

Sherry, chestnuts,

Father bringing home a big fat bird

And telling mom to stuff it.

Sounds like a right old rave up at your house.

Now I have, as usual, purchased a christmas tree

Which will be set up in the reception area.

You are, of course, all welcome to hang your own personal balls on it.

Constable Habib, are you ill?

File please, Kevin.

Get off!

Oh, I love Christmas.

I can never sleep so I have to get up, but then I get so excited

I have a lie down again, which is so silly, isn't it?

It's so exciting.

I have been thinking all year

About giving you one and now I'm going to.

A present. A present, I mean.

I've got some brilliant presents for people.

But, Maggie, I've got the best one for you.

Oh, Kevin, that's really sweet of you,

But I wish you hadn't. I haven't got you anything.

Maggie, I didn't give you a present

Because I wanted one back.

I never even thought about you getting one for me.

That's all right then.

( sobbing )

And I got a special present for inspector Fowler.

I wanted to get him something really special

Just to show how much I appreciate him.

- And what did you get him then? - Puncture repair kit.

And I bought Maggie some "lingery."

- What's "lingery"? - Posh pants.

Like - like your undies, only more expensive.

Thermals, you mean.

That's an excellent present.

Yes, it can get very nippy up your khyber these long nights.

Frank, he's talking about lingerie,

Which is french for "fwoor"-- ( whistles )

Yes, that's right. Got her some silky knickers.

- Split crotch? - I hope not. I only bought them this morning.

Dead sexy, knickers and a bra.

I was that embarrassed buying them. I had to say they were for me.

There's only one set of underwear you want to give her, mate, yours.

Hitch up your boxers and say, "there's the wrapping, doll. The present's inside."

( laughing )

I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, it's all right, son.

Fellas that talk about it most do it least.

I know.

I talk about it all the time,

And I haven't had any since the days of Harold Wilson.

I never knew you had a gay relationship.

What are you talking about?

This bloke Harold Wilson you were having it with.

Kevin, he was the prime minister.

Blimey! And you an ordinary copper.

You did do well.

It's always a very special moment, I think,

When one installs the station christmas tree.

It hasn't got any foliage, sir.

It looks like it's been napalmed.

It did have foliage

Before I attempted to extract it

From the christmas market scrummage.

People run mad at this time of year.

Mind, you can understand it.

Any community which has been forced

To listen to "simply having a wonderful christmas time"

On every occasion that they've entered a shop since mid-October

Is bound to be a bit restive.

- ( clears throat ) - Ah, sergeant, darling.

- Did you have a successful time in town? - Yes I did.

I decided I should have my hair done for christmas.

Yes, perhaps you should.

It is looking a bit of a mess.

Raymond, I've been. This cost �45.

�45?!

They've hardly taken anything off at all.

For �45, you should be bald.

Come here, come here, come here.

Here's your present. Now I hope you don't take offense.

I've giving this to you because I respect you as a feminist.

And I don't want you to think it's for my benefit...

Although that would be quite nice.

Perhaps if we turn it round a bit, sir?

You know, sometimes, they do have a better side.

My mom always gets a proper one - made out of tinsel.

May I have a word, Raymond? Very important.

About the panto,

Now you can take a bit of gentle

Constructive criticism, can't you?

- Of course. - Basically, your crocodile's crap.

You're acting more like an enormous

Green dog doo than a croc.

And I suggest you get it sorted.

Inspector Grim, don't you have things to do?

Oh god, you're right.

I haven't done my vocal exercises yet.

Alpha, alpha, bravo.

Wilco, foxtrot, delta.

Tango, tango,

Diet lilt and a fanta.

Kray, with me.

Important bit of business to discuss.

Oh yeah, there is, sir, actually.

There's a lot of naughtiness going on out there.

- A lot of burglaries. - I've put this brilliant new bit in,

Where I shove my sword back into my belt.

But I miss and I stab my trousers

And I say to the kiddies, "don't worry,

It was only a little scratch."

( laughs ) No - "only a little prick."

Only a little prick. Hilarious, eh?

There won't be dry seat left in the house.

- Oi, sir? - What?

There's a lot of stuff being hoiked out of backyard gardens.

Eh?

It's all happening while the families are at the front door,

- Listening to carol singers. - Carol singers?!

It's obvious what's going on.

- Division want to know what you're doing about it. - Division?!

You moron, Kray, why didn't you say something?

Fannying on about pantoes.

Get the car. Let's go!

You seem to forget, Kray,

It's my ass on the line.

So you'd better pull your finger out.

Now get the script, you can test me in the car.

Yes, Goody, what is it?

Well, sir,

It's just that...

I've bought you a little present, sir.

That's very kind of you, Goody.

- But I don't approve- - no, no, it's hardly anything at all, sir.

Just something that I know you'd like.

Something that's really you.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I'm sure there's no harm.

I'm worried about Kevin, Pat. I opened his present.

He dropped loads of hints about it doing something for him.

Come on, Maggie, it's hardly a surprise.

Goody's desperate for you to do anything with him.

Yeah, but I think he wants me to fix his bike.

That's just the sort of present Raymond would get me.

It would be so nice if he got me

Something feminine and sexy. But he won't.

He'll have been down the D.I.Y. shop as usual

Asking them to gift wrap a sack of tiling grout.

Raymond, I-

( gasps ) Raymond.

Sit down, please.

Now then, Goody... ( clearing throat )

I've asked you to come and see me

Because there is something which you and I must discuss.

And I want the truth.

I do not want you to try to deceive me

Out of shame or embarrassment.

I can assure you that I am not embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed at all.

Right, good, so-

So, here we go.

Do you - ( clears throat )

Do you find me attractive?

Well, sir...

I don't know.

You're always very clean, I think that's nice.

Because if you harbor

Some secret desire...

If indeed you do...

Crave me-

Physically-

Then we must, of course, have it out in the open.

Are you propositioning me, sir?

Don't be disgusting, you foul boy.

- You said you wanted us to have it out in the open. - A talk! A talk!

A talk about the fact that clearly

I've become some kind of fantasy figure to you.

The fact that the idea of my near-naked body

Decked out in flimsy female attire turns you on.

I don't! I don't! I don't think you'd look nice naked at all.

It won't help you to add insult to injury, laddie.

No, I mean I don't want to see you

Decked out in flimsy female attire, sir.

Then what the hell is this christmas present all about then?

Some disgusting, perverted attempt at humor?

No, no, it's just so you can mend punctures.

You want me to fix my bicycle

Wearing women's underwear?

Oh my god!

I've given you the wrong present, sir.

I bought you a puncture repair kit.

The underwear was for constable Habib.

Well - well, that's very nearly as bad,

You foul boy.

Do you really believe that women appreciate rubbish like this?

To be treated like some kind of saucy sex object?

Well why not? I would.

Take these foul things and get out!

Oh.

Really, sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.

Kindly control your wild animal lust.

No, I will not. It's Christmas and I don't care.

I saw what you got me, peachy.

- What I got you? - The lingerie.

It's the first sexy romantic thing you've done

Since you bought me that box of milk tray when I had shingles.

Ooh, I've always wanted some saucy undies.

Real proper silky ones.

God, it turns me on!

God, it makes me hornier

Than rudolph's antlers!

Oh.

You're my little christmas cracker, and I love you.

Yes, yes.

On the other hand, perhaps underwear is a silly present.

Perhaps you'd prefer something more functional.

Why, you were saying only the other day

How your toenail clippers were blunt.

Raymond, I want my knickers.

And if they're not in my stocking tomorrow morning,

There'll be holly in your pajamas.

But they will be, I know.

After all, christmas is for lovers.

� we shall overcome... �

What the hell is all this noise about?

It's a caravan of new-age travelers, Raymond.

They've been causing an obstruction.

I'm not putting up with this all night!

You are all officially warned!

Now happy christmas and get out!

� we shall overcome �

� someday. �

All power and passion, man.

You are babylon, but I will speak to you.

Your lot impounded our van, man.

My belly is swollen

With the fruit of love's seed.

And we are homeless.

We are a circle. There is no end.

There is no beginning. Everything is now.

And we are here. And we're staying.

Well, what in 12 types of instant cake mix

Are we supposed to do with these two?

I mean this is all we need on christmas eve, isn't it?

A couple arrive from far away

With nowhere to stay for the night,

The woman heavily pregnant.

I mean, did you ever hear of such a thing?

You're my scrummy little minced pie

And I want to eat you all up.

Constable Goody, do you recall that earlier this evening

You made me a gift of some lingerie?

Yes sir. But I explained. I never intended-

Yes, yes, yes. The fact is that I've changed my mind

And I want it back.

Oh, I see.

I do know what you mean.

It is kind of nice, to touch and everything.

It's not for me, you disgusting boy!

Just hand over your bra and panties.

I can't, sir. I've given them to constable Habib.

I asked one of the girls to leave it in her locker.

Constable Habib, I have a very strange favor to ask you.

I want a quick rummage in your locker.

- I'm sorry, sir? - No, no, don't misunderstand me.

It's just that I believe there may be some underwear in there

And I want to get hold of it.

Oh, I see. Well, don't worry.

I know a lot of men your age often have these funny urges.

- No, no- - no, I'm not offended, sir.

- I just think it's a bit sad. - Look, Habib-

- ( gasps ) - Dawkins: Oh, you're not going to-

Oh!

All right, Habib, let's get her into the interview room

Then get the dettol and sterilize the table.

Hang on, Pat. This person is a woman, an individual.

She has to decide how she wants to have her baby.

It's all right, love. It's your body.

You're in control. You tell us what you want.

I want to have it by candlelight...

I think we can manage that.

You see, Pat, it doesn't hurt to give people

Choice in their lives.

...In a bath full of warm ewe's milk...

At stonehenge.

Let's get her on the table.

- Goody. - Yes?

- Hot water, now. - Yes.

Men: � away in a manger �

� no crib for his bed �

� the little lord jesus lay down with his legs... �

Thank you very much, it's lovely.

- We ain't finished yet. - No.

� away in a manger �

� no crib for his bed... �

- Push! - Life, magic,

Bursting pods.

Oh my god!

Push!

( moaning )

Goody, did you get the hot water?

Well, I was going to,

But I thought we ought to offer something more interesting.

So I got her this carton of ribena from my tuck box.

Naughty, naughty, round the back, sir, should we nick 'em?

Have you seen the size of them?

Let uniform get their noses broken.

Request urgent support,

Callahan crescent,

Highly dangerous...

Carol singers.

I think drugs would be a good idea.

No need, she'd doing it all naturally.

That's what I'm saying. I think maybe we ought to celebrate.

Oh, yeah.

� ...Merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay �

� for jesus christ our savior �

- � was born upon this day � - ( siren approaching )

� to save us all from satan's power... �

� oh tidings of comfort and joy - �

( sirens wail )

That was a bit heavy-handed.

It wasn't that bad.

The doctor will be here soon.

Ah, what are you going to call him?

You choose.

Well, it is christmas.

How about calling him Noel?

That is a great idea because Noel Edmonds

Is the sprit of Christmas, isn't he?

Well now, young... Baby.

Bibble, bibble.

Well, a police station is perhaps not the best of places

For a child to spend its first night upon earth.

But we should perhaps remember

That once a baby was born in a far lowlier place than this,

And went on to do rather well.

Yes.

Who was that then?

Jesus christ, Goody!

There is no need to swear, sir,

I just don't know who you're talking about.

Ah, constable Habib.

I've been waiting for a moment to have a word.

Now what I said earlier about your knickers-

Oh please, sir, don't feel guilty.

- I know what's going on. - Oh, right.

It's the male menopause.

I must say a very nice little pull.

First-class police work, though I say so myself.

Kray, get those- those-

- Carol-singing scums? - Exactly.

Out of the van and give them a right going over.

Now, Fowler, you seem to be

Doing nothing but fannying about as usual.

You can test me on my lines. Come on.

As my understudy, it'll do you good

To see a proper bit of shouting!

Actually, inspector Grim, I've got some rather urgent-

That's your problem as an actor, Raymond,

You never learn. No focus.

No dedication. And you're a load of rubbish.

I suppose you've got till boxing day to work on it,

But give it some thought, mate.

Now, top of the page...

Oh, sir, sir...

You know them dodgy carol singers we just nicked?

Avast, ye lubbers, 'tis Peter Pan!

Very good, sir. Very intimidating.

It's just that those iffy carol singers

Turn out to be the chief constable,

The local M.P., their wives,

And the bishop of Gasforth.

Do you still want me to give them a going over, sir?

Detective inspector Grim, what the hell is going on?!

Seems to be a mistake, sir.

We are on the trail of a vicious gang of brutal-

- Carol singers, sir. - Carol singers, sir.

I shall see you in my office after work on boxing day!

Oh dear, inspector Grim.

Looks like you're going to have to miss the pantomime.

Still it doesn't matter.

I hear your understudy's much the better actor.

I hate Christmas!

I reckon scrooge got it right with his bag of humbugs.

Kray, with me.

( chuckles )

Kevin!

So you think these are really me, do you, Kevin?

- Yes I do. - Don't you think they'd be a bit chilly

At this time of year? I like undies

That keep your bits covered and your bum warm.

Honestly, what is it with you blokes and knickers tonight?

If this is what Christmas does to you,

I'm glad I don't bother with it.

Yes, but did you like them?

What was all that about?

Not our business, Patricia. Not our business.

Well, I've got a lot of lines to learn.

I'll get my coat, shall I?

And my present, you gorgeous,

Naughty, disgusting, dirty, filthy,

Sexy little christmas reindeer. Ruff!

Of course. And as you so rightly point out, your present.

Ruff!

( theme music playing )