Original subtitles

Good evening, everybody.

Take things for granted

and they will be taken from you.

Anybody who has ever left

A packet of chocolate hobnobs unguarded...

Will vouch for the truth in that statement.

So often the things we love the most

we care for the least.

Even love itself,

as we shall see,

is like a regular intake of dietary fiber-

Easy to ignore

but just try functioning properly without it.

So that is agreed.

Due to budgetary limitations

our mounted display for the Gasforth show

will consist of two bicycles and a set of coconut shells.

The dog team... Will consist of one dog.

It's not really a team, is it, Raymond?

One dog? I mean, the whole point is dogs acting in unison.

You can't have one dog acting in unison, can you?

I mean, that's stupid.

Unless... We use some kind of mirror.

Well, at least with only one dog, we'll avoid last year's disaster.

Oh, yes. Shep and Lady

Indeed Shep and indeed a.. "lady"

I've never known such naughty dogs.

It was like a scene out of Canine Emanuele

Oh

- The locker-room orders, sir. - Hmm.

We are still getting through an awful lot of loo-paper.

I'm afraid a "Three sheets a visit" policy clash badly

with Prunes and Custard Day in the county,

Loo paper!

I am a trained police officer, hound and buffed.

I should not have to spend my time worrying about budgets.

Well, they take a lot of looking after, sir.

Indeed they do Gladstone.

One moment, they are swing on their little swings

the next is close-up in the saw dust.

I'm talking about "budgets", constable, not "budgies"

Oh.

Yes, thank you, Gladstone. That will be all.

Yes, sir.

What's happened to you, Pat? You look like you've been mugged.

- I have. - Did you get a description?

Yes!

Purple tights, pink leg-warmers...

enormous hair,

a manical grin, like she's swallowed a coathanger.

Looks like the love child of Jack Nicholson and a cabbage patched doll.

Shouldn't be too difficult to spot. Any weapon?

Yes. A vicious cassette of Sonia's greatest hits.

My aerobics instructor, Maggie.

Satan's hell-cow, the bottle-blown bitch.

"Step to the side, you're looking good.

Shake it to the right, one two.

Put your foot in your ear, three four,

stick your head up your bum! Five six.

On your back, hips up, knees spread."

- Sounds like a smear test. - Yes!

Only slightly less fun.

These are difficult times, Derek, difficult times.

Are you sure there are no more savings to be made in C.I.D.?

I mean, this water cooler you've ordered?

Raymond,

do not interfere with my decisions.

I and me alone am responsible

for the operational fitness in my officers.

It is my ass,

and I will not have you

sticking your nose in and sniffing about.

But a water cooler?

We work under intensely difficult conditions,

and regular re-hydration is essential.

Rubbish!

You just want to strut about with a paper cup in your hand like American policemen.

You watch far too much television.

The one saving grace was that I wasn't the worst person in the class.

I think I've dislocated my trouser furniture.

Excuse me.

Pluck a duck, Kevin.

That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it?

If it gets sucked up any further, it'll garrote your bum.

Gotta feel the burn.

Oh... Set fire to your leg warmers.

Gotta keep in shape. Whoo, whoo.

Ow!

What have you gotta keep in shape for?

Well, I do confess, it is partly vanity.

But, what I say is this:

If you've got it, get it out, pump it up, and flaunt it.

I have to be very fit for my police work.

Ow!

Do you know,

I was chasing this bloke the other day knackered?

I was a wobbly jelly.

Nearly had to stop and be sick.

How far did you run after him?

I wasn't running, I was in a squad car.

It's just that I'm used to power steering.

I think you're both mad.

You could have had another hour in bed.

No pain, no gain, Maggie.

I want to get in shape.

What are you talking about? You're in great shape.

Just because society decrees

that all women should look like stick insects with knockers...

Don't you think you're just perpetuating a sexist stereotype?

That's the idea, but it's going to take a lot of work.

You can say it's perpetuating a stereotype if you like,

but it's just what people find attractive. Look at beauty contests.

Beauty contests are just a disgusting male fantasy.

No they're not. My fantasies are a lot more disgusting than that.

Beauty contests are tasteful.

Tasteful? 40 birds standing in a row

with their boobs full of silicone,

and their bikini bits waxed down to five curlies short of a kojak?

How tasteful is that?

It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to win a beauty contest.

- You have to respect that. - A person earns respect.

Quite frankly, I don't think that having humongous kajungas

is a sufficient qualification.

It'll do for me.

Good, so that concludes

our weekly administrative meeting.

Weekly fannying-about meeting more like.

Except, of course, to remind you

that the date for this year's promotion review board

has been set for this Friday.

I don't need reminding, mate,

I've been building up to this for weeks.

I am a coiled spring waiting to go-

Boing!

Yes, well, I must say, a promotion would be nice.

Chief inspector Raymond Fowler.

I can't help feeling that this year it must be my turn.

You've got no chance, mate.

There's not point in you even turning up.

- I beg your pardon? - Promotion boards are looking

for solid, steady, dependable blokes, Fowler.

Well... married blokes.

Not divorcees living in sin with their sergeants.

I don't believe a person's marital status

makes the slightest difference these days.

Of course it does!

Blimey, society has to offer some sort of reward

for a lifetime spent in front of the telly.

Do you know

tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th anniversary?

- Really? - Yeah...

And you can rest assured I shall let the promotion board know.

20 years, mate.

20 grueling years.

That shows character, Raymond,

character and commitment.

You really believe that being married affects one's chances of promotion?

Of course it does.

Mind you, marriage is much more than that.

It's comfort.

It's security.

I cannot tell you

the peace of mind

which me and my Tina enjoy

knowing that things

are as bad as they're ever going to get.

I still say that modelling is not as easy you think, Maggie.

There is a price to pay. Believe me, it's a real tragedy.

Exactly! That's the point.

Women torturing their own bodies to conform to a male fantasy.

Girls throwing up their dinner.

Personally, I've never been able to see what

the problem with all that bolemic stuff is.

To me, throwing up your dinner is the sign of a good night out.

It's no big deal. It just makes your beard taste a bit sour, that's all.

You're just a total caveman, Garry.

Well, I like to work out a bit, don't I?

Look at it,

beautiful!

This is what being a policeman is all about.

Next we'll get one of them double hot plates with two coffee pots on it.

Two coffee pots...

A cop with two pots!

- Yo, brother! - Freeze, mother!

Drop it... Auntie.

Just once before we die

I'd like us to take our jackets off together

and be wearing shoulder holsters.

Once step at a time. We've got our water cooler.

The virgin cup.

Boyle, I can't get any water out of this thing.

I know, it don't work. I called the bloke.

Now then, Habib,

I want your advice about an extremely sensitive area.

Quite frankly, it's been bothering me for some time,

and I just don't want to sit on it any longer.

Oh, I see, sir.

My dad uses this greasy cream called rectinol.

But sometimes he still has to have a special cushion.

- I beg your pardon? - Hemorrhoids, sir,

bothering your sensitive area.

I'm not talking about hemorrhoids, you silly young constable.

Sorry, sir.

Rectinol, you say?

Now then, as I was saying,

this sensitive matter...

If a man were considering

proposing marriage to a woman-

And I am, of course, talking about a hypothetical man,

and an equally hypothetical woman-

Not going to be much of a sex life, is it?

It isn't anyway. I mean...

Hypothetically- hypothetically speaking.

However-howsoever that may be-

How do you think this hypothetical woman

would wish to be approached?

Well, personally,

I think marriage is an outmoded institution.

But all woman like a bit of romance.

You know, candles, flowers, nice meal.

Then when you're all lovey-dovey,

you go down on one knee and suggest an aids test.

- And aids test?! - Of course, sir.

That's how it's done these days.

Think about it- hypothetically speaking-

If I accept your proposal,

I could catch H.I.V., herpes, gonorrhea.

Ah, Patricia...

We were just discussing...

Catching...

That notorious argentinean jewel thief,

uh... Hugo...

Ignatiev Vincente

herpes-gonorrhea.

Uh, you, uh...

You might have read about him in "the police review."

Was it the May issue?

Raymond, what were you proposing to constable Habib?

Nothing, sergeant.

We were just discussing inspector Grim's 20th wedding anniversary,

saying how much marriage proposals have changed.

These days a bloke has to bring along a medical certificate.

I think women prefer candles, flowers and wine.

20 years.

20 years poor old Tina Grim

has had to put up with her appalling husband.

Can you imagine what it must be like, year after year

with the same dull irritating old bore?

Yes.

Not that marriage isn't a fine and honorable estate.

I mustn't let Grim's example

sour me to the entire institution,

nor indeed the failure of my own marriage.

I was young, I was wild.

She was pregnant.

Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge

of the rhythm method of contraception

was rather incomplete.

Well, you've certainly mastered it now.

Just add up all the days of the month

and then don't do it on any of them.

Constable...

Would you mind accompanying me to the C.I.D. area?

I'd offer you some refreshment,

but sadly, I have a dysfunctional spout.

I'd like to ask your advice

on a matter pertaining to...

women.

What with you being one and all.

- Right you are, sir. - It's just,

my Tina is expecting something special

and exciting from me,

and I've got a problem- it comes once a year.

Oh dear.

Well, I can see that would be a problem.

But don't worry, sir, impotence is very common in men of your age.

I read in "Cosmopolitan"

That there's this cream you can buy called "keep it up"...

I'm not talking about impotence, constable.

Oh. Sorry, sir.

"Keep it up"...

Now the problem is,

as I think you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's

20th wedding anniversary,

so I suppose I've got to get her something.

It would be nice, sir.

It's extraordinary how much meaningless empty gestures

mean to a woman, isn't it?

Well, some girls like them.

The question is what shall I get?

Haven't you any ideas at all?

Quite the opposite, too many ideas. I'm torn.

I'm torn between a box of "milk tray"

And a box of "dairy box."

She likes the lime barrel out of one,

and the caramel cup out of the other.

What do you think?

Perhaps you should get her both.

Both?!

You see? Bloody women!

Totally unreasonable, the lot of you.

Marriage is in the air at the moment.

Do you know,

I think inspector Fowler's

thinking about proposing to sergeant Dawkins.

Oh, wouldn't that be nice?

I love a wedding!

Except for the bit where the vicar says,

"does anyone have any objections?"

Makes me so tense.

I always think, "God, I hope I don't say something!"

Because you easily could, couldn't you?

You know, if you suddenly went mad or something.

I did object at a wedding once.

- You didn't?! - Oh yes...

I said the groom is a drinker and a philanderer.

Oh no!

What did the groom say?

I just told you.

It was the only way I could think of getting out of it.

Well, now, Patricia,

I hope you enjoyed your lasagne parmeggiano verde con funghi.

Yes, Raymond, ever so.

Good. It took some preparation, I can tell you.

I bet it did.

For a while, I didn't think I was ever going to get it out of the packet.

Look, "to open,

simply cut along dotted line

and pull tab outwards." I mean, it's just not true!

That won't get you anywhere.

They might as well say "to open, wrap in a copy of the 'beano'

and brush your teeth with it."

I mean, why does it have to be hermetically sealed?

It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot.

I'm surprised it wasn't delivered in a securicorps van.

"To open, bludgeon guards to death,

run oxyacetylene torch along dotted line

and dynamite where shown."

Raymond, we're having a lovely evening,

you made a super supper,

- please don't spoil it. - Yes, I'm sorry, darling.

- Some more wine? - Ooh, I shouldn't.

In that case I'll just recork it with my vacupump.

No, no, on second thoughts,

- perhaps just a little drop. - All right.

I shall have to be careful.

Red wine and Italian food turns me into a right goer.

Well, I'm delighted to hear it.

- Are you, Raymond? - Absolutely.

Active bowel, active mind, I always say.

Raymond, what's all this in aid of?

The candles, the flowers, the wine?

Oh, this?

Oh... Oh, you know.

Um... Well, um-

Well...

You know how much I admire you, Patricia,

not only as a police sergeant,

but also as a, um-

You know, as a, uh...

as a woman.

- Oh, Raymond. - Patricia.

Oh, Raymond.

Is there something you want to say to me?

Yes... Yes, there is.

I want to discuss our future together.

We're-we're both pretty set in our ways now,

I'm a bit of an old stick-in-the-mud,

and you're certainly not getting any younger, that's for sure.

I don't want to end up boring, gray, flabby and all alone.

I want to be boring, gray and flabby with you.

I'm sure you feel the same way,

particularly now you're beginning to lose your looks a bit.

- Really? - Oh, definitely. Mmm.

Besides which, I'm mindful

of the approaching promotion review board.

My home life needs to appear solid, plain and simple.

And they don't come much more solid, plain and simple

than you, old girl.

So what I'm saying is, how about it?

Let's get married.

No. In fact, I'm leaving you.

Yes, good. I thought a fairly simple ceremony,

you know, just you, me and a bottle of Saintsbury Sparkling.

And perhaps a honeymoon, looking at some medival churches in Lincolnshire.

Now, I expect you are looking forward to a bit of rolly-polly-

Patricia?

So she turned you down...

Like an old duvet.

I was so sure of my ground.

It must have been something to do with the way I proposed.

It can't have been any worse than when I did it, sir.

I had 10 bottles of Guinness to get my courage up.

- Did you go down on one knee? - I went down on all fours.

How could I have got it so wrong?

I'm sure you made a very nice proposal, sir.

Yes, as a matter of fact I did.

Wine, candles-cost me a pretty penny, I can tell you.

But there's no pleasing some women.

Any woman, sir.

And I was making a very attractive offer, I can assure you.

It wasn't just my cuisine I dangled in front of her.

Oh no?

What else did you dangle?

- My prospects! - At dinner?

My mom won't even let me put my elbows on the table.

The promotion review board are coming tomorrow.

She could have been married to a chief inspector, but oh no!

Well, it's her loss. I shall get that promotion anyway,

become enormously successful, and she will wonder why she ever let me go.

I expect it will be all your annoying little habits that put her off.

I beg your pardon?

Well, that's what normally spits people up.

Annoying habits.

Like, picking your nose, and then staring at it.

I do not, you foul boy!

How about blowing off under the sheets and going: "Blimey nobody smoke"

Be quiet, Goody!

Well, you certainly slurp your tea, because that gets on everyone's nose.

- Hmm... - Hmm...

Women!

Can't flipping please them no matter what you do.

I bought her

A 250-gram box of "milk tray."

She only said she wants champagne.

God, I managed to get her to settle for a bottle of Asti

but it still meant getting in the car.

I reckon the problem is you're both too nice.

Birds don't appreciate it.

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

Walk away.

"Ta-ta, babes, it's been fun, but your luck's run out.

There's plenty more nuggets in a family portion,

and I've stuck my toothbrush in your mug for the last time."

And for those of us whose first language is English?

Forget it all for a night.

Get out on the pull. Meet some other girls for a change.

Have a drink, a laugh.

Well, I suppose it can't hurt.

Well, I'm not going.

You sad, single blokes can fretter your lives away.

But I am a steady family man, leading a steady family life.

Things, which I can assure you,

I will be pointing out at the promotion review board, tomorrow

It all happened so quickly, Maggie, I don't know what to do.

Well, the way I see it,

is this is an opportunity for you to spread your wings, Pat.

Feel the wind beneath them.

Glory in the forgotten joy of spontaneity and adventure.

You mean go out and bonk someone, don't you?

Yeah!

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Well, at least have a laugh.

You know, a bop, then a snog, then a curry, then a cofee,

and if he suggests copulation, you just call a cab.

It wouldn't work, Maggie. I've never been any good at meeting blokes.

I was the only girl at Henden

that had a packet of condoms that was past it's have-it-off-by-date.

I will pick you up at 8.

What are you lurking about for, Kevin?

Oh, just waiting to give you a sneak-peek at my great big packet.

I'll just speak to your mother!

Yes, well do it if you like, because I don't care, 'cos she'll be pleased.

Because...

An "Abomonizer"!

All I have to do, is lie on this for a few minutes a day

and I'll look just like her- Him! him!, him!

Oh yes, in a week or two, when I'm an enormous bulbous sex-god,

you won't be able to keep your hands off my lower lumbar.

So watch out, babes. Because there will be a queue.

Well, well... Hello.

You are, a pretty little thing, arent' you?

No, no! Don't be shy.

You know, I've had my eye on you for some time.

How could I resist such a scrummy little honey-bunny?

Well, it's very kind of you to say so, sir.

- What in satan's- - No I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

My heart belongs to constable Habib.

Goody, what are you doing lurking about, you foul boy?

I wasn't lurking. I was just...

doing my exercises, and you called me a scrummy honey-bunny.

I did not! I was talking to myself.

Oh well, nothing like a bit of self confidence.

But, I do know what you mean.

I often stand in front of the mirror, and feel very sexy.

Sometimes in my underpants.

Lock up your daughters, Gasforth, we are on our way.

Our lad's night out is sorted.

Armani whistle, Dior Sauvage after-shave,

hundred quid in fivers, plus...

couple of pound coins for a packet of three assorted flavours.

Boyle, I have to warn you:

If you are going to chew gum all evening, I shall thoroughly disapprove.

Wait.

Back of the queue, lads.

Just having a drink, mate, alright. Sorry, officer. Should have clocked you.

Just one moment, constable Boyle.

You are not on duty. You can't go flashing your warrant card about.

Come on sir, you have to use your card on the pull, haven't ya?

It's a bird magnet.

They love it. Power is an aphrodisiac.

On the pull?

What in the Devil's trouser-press do you mean?

Well sir, you are aware of our Community Policing Policy,

as laid out in the Police Charter?

I am.

To be open, courtious and approchable.

And to always respond immediatley to the needs of the members of the public.

Come in, officer. Are you gonna buy me a drink, then?

It's a tough job, sir, but I know my duty.

Put that card away, Goody!

Look, I'm a policeman too.

Lay off that. Got a card?

Sir, nothing wrong with a little dance.

How can I ask anyone to dance?

It's too noisy to communicate.

You don't have to talk to them.

Just boogie up to them and do this...

If they don't naff off, you're on for the full portion.

- The what?! - A nice little dance,

Have a go.

All right, boys, keep it discreet.

Gay night's tuesdays.

I think you've pulled already, sir. Let's go!

I can't stay long, Maggie.

I'm in a friend's flat while she's on holiday

and I have to feed Tobby, her stupid dog.

Pat, stop making excuses.

It's a night out. Have a drink,

dance with a bloke or two.

As if anyone would ask me-

And I wouldn't know what to do if they did.

Don't be overeager.

Just be dead cool and classy.

You know, sophisticated.

Say something like...

"I'd rather bop with the bits I cut off my dog's bum."

Show them you're a strong, in-control woman.

Excuse me. Fancy a dance?

Yeah, all right.

That one there might do for you, kev.

I used to know her. Lovely.

Only interested in one thing.

Oh, I see.

A bit boring, is she?

Do you think you could loosen your grip a bit, pal?

I'd like to keep my knockers on the outside of my ribcage.

Patricia!

What in the devil's desk diary are you doing here?

Dancing,

if it's any business of yours.

You look-

You look lovely.

Thanks.

Your legs, they're- they're new, aren't they?

Same ones.

Perhaps we could... Dance together?

Well, perhaps just one.

I have to get back for Tobby.

Tobby? Who's Tobby?

Sir, sir! Gary says he's found you a right old slapper

that even you could pull.

- Hello, sergeant Dawkins. - Goodbye, constable.

Goodbye, inspector!

Who's Tobby?

You know, the funny thing is I feel great.

Really great.

Liberated.

Patricia's building a new life with Tobby,

and I'm happy for her.

Really happy.

Did you see all those beautiful girls tonight?

Talk about plenty more fish in the sea.

Wa-aay!

Woof, woof!

No, I feel great.

A toast-

A toast to feeling great.

Feeling great.

- Are you coming out again tonight, Pat? - No.

I'm going to eat a bag of cream cakes, drink half-a-bottle of Baileys, and watch teli.

You miss inspector Fowler, a lot, don't you?

Him?! That dull, rude, boring,

useless excuse of a man who'd rather read Biggles than bonk?

Of course I miss him, I love him.

He looked so funny last night at the disco trying to be trendy.

Oh well, we both made our decisions.

So come on out! Let your guard down.

Let your hair down. Let your mother down.

No thank you, I don't feel like it.

Besides I have to look after Tobby.

Honestly, it's been such a comfort having Tobby around.

He's really stopped me being lonely, especially at night.

He just loves me for who I am, you see?

And actually,

even after only a couple of days, I think I love him.

Mind you, I'm not saying he's not a handful, whoo!

He's so rough and physical!

I'll bet when you go home he just leaps at you, doesn't he?

Yes, he does! I hardly have time to get my coat off

before he's licking me all over.

Oooh, I know that sort of animal.

Does he want to have his head in your lap all evening?

All evening, snuffling away.

I tried to say, "no, Tobby!"

But he looks at me with those big, beautiful, soulful eyes,

his tongue hanging out. Mind you-

To be honest, he can be a bit disgusting.

I mean, when he sits in the middle of the carpet and licks his willy-

Medical emergency on the line-

Potential fatality.

Boyle, can you keep it down?

I'm trying to get through to the water cooler repairs hotline.

Blimey! "you are in a queue. All our operators are busy."

What would happen if we tried that, eh?

Someone rings up dying-"sorry, all our officers are busy,

your emergency's in a queue

and we will be doing nothing about it."

- Imagine that? - Hello? Hello-oo?

Hello!

Oh, finally, right!

My water spout won't spurt.

No, next week is not good enough,

I've got an extremely important

promotions interview this afternoon.

I'm going to look a right dicky doo-dah

with a non-functioning faucet filtering facility, aren't I?

Thank you!

She's going to give me instructions over the phone.

Get this down.

"Take your water cooler..." yeah.

"And shove it up your... "

Right! I'll fix it myself.

Oh, jealousy... hmm.

The green-eyed monster that doth mock the meet it feeds on

You know sir,

when a man has stolen your woman, there is only one thing you can do.

Fight for her.

I mean, when my lady left me for another man

I went looking for him and I gave him fair warning.

He left her alone after that.

You threatened to fight him?

No, I told him not to use the potty under her bed because that's where she kept her teeth.

Well, I shall neither fight nor lie to win Patricia.

She no longer loves me.

And, that is her right.

She loves... Tobby.

He gives her everything she needs.

And as long as he looks after her,

and never hurts her,

I have no quarrel with him.

- There's your tea, Pat. - Thanks.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

Was there any post for me? I'm very, very excited.

I've ordered some weights and some dumbbells

so I can iron my pump.

Oh, right. I was wondering what this was.

Thanks.

Anyway, so come on,

you were telling me about your new life.

There's not much to tell, really.

How are you getting on with Tobby?

The problem is he can be so rough.

He doesn't know his own strength sometimes. He nearly knocks me over.

You are not worried that he would bite you?

Well, I don't think so.

But if I'm late with his dinner he snarls and growls and looks a bit threatening.

Does he insist on sleeping with you every night,

even though you don't want him to?

Yes, he does!

I say, "no, Tobby, get out of my bed!"

But before I know it,

he's on top of me all hot and panting and hairy.

And I have to fight him off.

Patricia! I can remain silent no longer!

- This Tobby is an animal! - Yes.

If I cannot have you,

then I should at least protect you from swine like him.

Who is this Tobby? I shall thrash the monster

to within an inch of his life

- and hang the consequences. - He's a prize-winning boxer.

Well, I box a little myself.

And I don't care. I love you, Patricia.

I always will.

And if I end up being beaten to death protecting you

from this filthy pervert,

then I will count my life cheap.

Oh, Raymond! God, I love you.

- What about Tobby? - Tobby's a dog.

Oh, I see.

Oh, Raymond, you wanted to be so brave,

so strong. Let's start all over,

rekindle our romance, do all the things we never did.

Yes, let's start with a half of mackeson at the "Frog and Truncheon."

Yes- and see how we go from there.

Sir, you can't go out boozing now!

The people from the promotion board'll be here any minute.

Oh dear, yes...

No.

Kindly inform them

that I have more important matters to attend to.

There's always next year.

Come along, Patricia.

Right, Boyle, this is it.

New suit, new tie.

Very hoity, very toity.

Got Tina to iron my socks.

Even managed to fix my spout.

They won't interview

A smarter officer than me this week.

Oh yes, very nice.

Sir, the people from the promotion board are here.

Right. This is it.

Just refresh myself

with a nice cup of ice cold water from the cooler.

And in I go.

I think you'll agree I look...

rather eye-catching.

You certainly do, inspector.

Good luck.