Original subtitles

Good evening, everybody.

Even our greatest and most revered institutions

are mixtures of good and bad.

Those who have had to rummage through the remnants

of the Christmas tin of Quality street

will vouch for the truth in that.

Nothing is without fault.

Even police officers are, as we shall see,

like the lottery predictions of Mystic Meg,

not completely infallible.

( Theme music playing )

Three months, Boyle,

Three months we've had this vile drug pusher under surveillance.

I hope you got a good shot of him this time.

There you go, sir.

Oh yes, oh yes, this is the swine.

Look at him. A bit blurred, but I can tell,

That is a classic disgrace to humanity.

- Shifty, ugly, inadequate-

Hang on- actually that's you, sir.

Remember, you walked in front of the camera

Just when I had the bloke.

Anyway, here he is, I've got him.

And this is him?

- Definitely? - Oh, definitely.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, this is him.

I can tell, you see.

Sixth sense I've got.

Sometimes seventh.

Possibly even eighth.

We know it's him, Boyle.

We've seen in dealing we've seen him scoring.

We've got any amount of circumstantial evidence,

but we still haven't caught his red hands

in an open-and-shut till.

Of course, evidence can be found, can't it?

That's what we've been trying to do for months, Boyle.

Yes, sir, but when I say found,

I mean "found" in inverted commas.

- Oh I see, "found" in inverted commas. - Yeah...

Where's that, then?

Now, what I wish to discuss today

are the new uniforms and equipment

which the home office is considering introducing.

The police officers of tomorrow will look very different.

They'll be armed with long truncheons, incapacitating pepper sprays

There was a time, sir, when the only weapon a copper needed

was character and authority.

Well let as much in what you say guys

I remember as a young constable, sir, I faced a man with a huge knife.

And all I had to defend myself

was character, character, character.

and authority, authority, authority.

- Yes, well... - When I was a lad in Trinidad, sir,

If you met a wild dog on the street,

you never showed fear, you stared it out.

and what is a knife man sir but a wild dog?

So

I fixed that young thug with a gaze

and I walked straight up to him.

"Give me the knife, lad," I said.

And did he?

Oh yes, sir, he did.

He stuck it in my shoulder.

The dogs in Trinidad used to bite me too, you know.

Yes, well... ( clears throat )

Moving swiftly on.

I think we should have uniforms like L.A.P.D. have, sir.

Really cool and hard and just a little bit drop-dead sexy.

It is not the function of a police officer to look sexy.

If it were, Sue Lawley would be chief constable.

It is the duty of a policeman to look, um...

- Dull and boring? - Well exactly, Habib.

If you were in distress, who would you rather attend?

An honest looking constable,

or a member of the Chippendales?

It depends, sir. There's an especially bulgy one

who wears leopard skin knickers.

A constable in leopard skin knickers?

- I never heard of such a thing. - I used to go out with a D.C.

who had a pair with a cartoon bull on 'em that said, "horny beast."

Quite frankly,

he should have been prosecuted under the trades descriptions act.

Yes, all right, Habib, all right.

Dearie, dearie me.

Young girls today, you'd make your mothers blush.

Now, headquarters have sent us an example

of the proposed new uniform.

And I have asked Goody to model it for us.

So, step forward constable Goody.

Now, constable Goody is wearing

a pilot-style tunic in tough serviceable fabric

gathered at the waist.

There is also a utility belt of attractive cowhide

with cross stitching picked out in beige.

The undershirt is in soft white

dralon polyester bri-nylon mix

which is both functional and stylish.

Goody-

What in 12 types of quick-drying cement are you doing?

I'm doing precisely what you told me to do, sir.

I am being the model.

You are a police officer, not a model

And police officers do not mince,

they stride. Now come on.

Jaw firm, shoulders back,

The buttocks clenched and stride.

Come on, stride.

Are you ill, boy? Are you ill? I said stride.

I am, I am, I'm trying to stride.

If I clench my buttocks any harder, I'll suck up my y-fronts.

Pull yourself together, you foul youth.

Now, come on, step this way.

One, two, stride. One, two.

I'm sorry, sir. It's this sticky out bit on the baton,

keeps getting caught between my legs.

If you can tear yourself away from teaching your officers

to walk in a straight line, Raymond, I'd like a word.

All right, Naomi, get back to your desk.

Raymond, we are bringing in Harry the spike.

Harry the spike? Gasforth's most notorious drug dealer?

You mean you finally have evidence for an arrest?

Yeah, well... I mean, when I say-

Don't you worry about the evidence, sir.

C.I.D. will handle that.

Yeah that's right

All we need from you is a squad a plot to get into Harry's place sharpish

And you shall have it Come on form up everybody quickly form up

I am entrusting to you the critical,

highly delicate task of front elevation entry orifice obstruction displacement

And for those of us who do not speak fluent twit

Well the squad will assemble in ten minutes

in the personnel transportation facilitator.

- What? - The van

( Siren wails )

- Will you stop pushing? - Let's go, go, go!

Goody?

You can't wear that uniform on duty.

It's unofficial, it's got no identification numbers, no insignia.

Come on, Fowler!

This is split-second stuff. A highly-detailed,

meticulously planned operation.

I've done the brain work, all you lot have got to do

is knock the door down.

Let's go, go, go, go, go, go.

All right, follow him.

- You'll change it the moment we get back. - Yes I will.

And charge!

( Glass shatters )

Mrs Spike, we have a search warrant.

I'm not Mrs Spike, they live next door.

Right!

Well this is just getting boring.

I mean couldn't you give us some sort of a clue?

are we hot or cold?

How about behind the cooker, Kevin?

I don't think anyone's looked there.

Oh, no, nothing I'm afraid.

Just a carrier bag full of white powder.

- ( Fast music playing ) - woman: Flex and three and four

And smile to the right and three and four

And come on, ladies, step and smile-

Oh, shut your face, you smug cow.

Morning, morning.

Ah, there's nothing like a brisk walk

up to the newsagent's before one's tea and toast.

Well, I say newsagent's

When of course I mean local pornographer.

I'm surprised the man has any room

for any newspapers or sweets amongst all the copies

of "massive mammaries" and "jumbo jugs"

Which he feels the need to stock.

That used to be a decent little corner shop

which sold string.

Any day now I expect to find my chocolate frog

replaced by caramel private parts,

or a strawberry-flavoured lesbian.

You seem rather out of sorts, cabbage.

( Sighs ) I'm useless and bloated.

Oh what nonsense.

Why, you're in just the right shape.

It's kind of you to say so, Raymond.

Well, I'm just being practical.

The public like to see a bit of fat on a desk sergeant.

It reassures them. Ah-

Notorious drug dealer caught by Gasforth police.

Inspector Grim... Constable Goody... Ah-

Also present was inspector Fowler.

These journalists, they do like to make a meal of things, don't they?

I'd far rather my name had been left out of it altogether.

One serves for honour, not glory.

Well in that case, the cat's poop tray needs relining.

Yes, on second thoughts, perhaps I'd better keep it

You know, just for reference.

I'll put it in a drawer somewhere, I expect.

Or perhaps in a frame.

Well you know,

one's efforts go unrewarded,

it's a nice change to have a little media support.

Also present was intrepid inspector Fowler.

It didn't stay intrepid

Didn't?

Oh well anyway,

- What a celebration we had afterwards. - I know, you told me.

I got so merry, I could hardly count the dots on my dominos.

Such excitement, and we've still got the court case to come.

Oh Patricia, aren't you happy? Aren't you thrilled?

No, Raymond. I'm sorry, but the way I feel this morning,

I couldn't be happy and thrilled if I was nibbling prozac

From the crests of Tom Cruise's naked buttocks.

You don't look very happy today, sir.

That third half of mackeson you had last night taking its revenge?

No, no, no. I was most careful.

I drank eight pints of water before retiring.

No, it's sergeant Dawkins, she's in one of her grumpies again.

Every four weeks, as regular as clockwork,

she gets in this- this sour mood.

I just can't work it out.

Well, sir, I think you should try to be a bit more understanding,

'cause it sounds to me like it's her cycle.

Oh.

Oh, I expect that could be it.

I'll ask if she wants the saddle adjusting.

Fowler: You're lying, constable!

The evidence you have presented to support your case

is so contemptibly slight and circumstantial

One is forced to wonder whether it might be

nothing more than a tissue of lies.

A corrupt concoction. Well?

Well?

( Bawling )

Goody-

You are supposed to fix me with a steady, manly stare,

Not snivel like a Frenchman who's caught his baguette

In his bicycle spokes.

I can't help it, sir. You're being so mean.

Look, this is an exercise.

Do you know what an exercise is?

It's a sort of runny, jumpy sort of thing.

Not in this case. In this case it is a practice, a rehearsal.

We are pretending that this is a courtroom,

- And that I am a defence counsel. - Perhaps if you had a wig, sir.

- Well I haven't got a wig. - I'll go get the mop from the ladies' loo.

We could use the top of that. It's short and gray.

Look, I am not going to conduct officer briefings

dressed in a household utility.

I'm sorry, sir. I just thought it might help Kevin get it.

I doubt constable Goody would get it.

If it came in a large bag marked "it."

Oh well, I suppose we can but try. Thank you, Habib.

Now then, Goody, let me explain one more time.

- I think you'd better. - I'm attempting to prepare you

for the extreme and aggressive tactics used by defence counsels.

I am thinking in particular of the man that you will face

at the trial of Harry the spike,

Namely, Algernon Sourgravy, Q.C.

The most feared fellow who ever wore a wig to work.

Ancient, crusty, and reeking of port-fuelled fury.

Here you are, sir. I've pulled all the grubby bits out.

You'll look lovely in that. I thought maybe we could use this plunger as a gavel.

It's all right, Habib. Nobody likes a clever-clog.

We are trying to help Goody secure the most important conviction of his career.

Now, sit down.

So... Do you think this helps set the scene?

Oh yes, sir, that's much better.

Just like Kavanagh QC

I think it's more realistic than that.

Now then Goody let us begin

Yes, let's, let us begin.

Now just remind me one more time, what are we doing?

We are pretending to be at the trial of Harry the spike.

- And who am I pretending to be? - Yourself, you idiot.

You are pretending to be yourself.

How can I pretend to be myself? I am myself.

If I pretend to be myself who am I being whilst I'm pretending, hmm?

I might disappear altogether and develop

severe personality disorders.

And then my mother would come down

to this station and do her raving nana.

Goody,

I want you, yourself,

to pretend to be yourself,

But in a different space and time.

Oh, I see now.

Like "the x-files," then?

In the end, do I turn out to be an alien twin who's infested my body

- For purposes of conquest and colonization? - Goody-

Because that can happen, you know.

I mean, we can't be the only ones, can we?

I feel confident, Goody, that you, at least, are unique.

Oh thank you, sir.

I once encountered a U.F.O., sir.

Oh, what a frightening experience.

I walked into our kitchen and I can see my wife across the room,

And between us was a hovering, hurtling, saucer-shaped object

which flew past me and out of the kitchen window.

But she get me with the cup, though.

Yes, meanwhile, back on earth...

We are in the middle of a briefing.

Perhaps it'd be more convincing if we had a judge, sir.

Yes, well we don't have a judge.

A glance about the place reveals no slumbering octogenarian

who claims never to have heard of the Beatles.

I could be the judge, sir. If I use some of this paper from the shredder

I could put it over me

And that might make me look like a bigwig.

Actually, that's very good.

Well done, Gladstone. You can be the judge.

Yes, sir. Who says members of the ethnic minorities

aren't finding their place in the upper echelons

- of the judiciary? - Yes, all right, Habib.

I could put the tea cosy on my head and be the prosecution brief.

Yes, oh that's good.

Well done, everybody.

Now the court really is in session.

Now then, Goody, you must be prepared

for me to accuse you of all sorts of terrible things.

The barristers can be absolutely ruthless.

Oh, that's very true., sir

I remember one barrister accusing me of terrible things, appaling things.

Now you see Goody

Listen to the voice of experience.

Share your story with us, Gladstone.

What did barrister try to accuse you of?

Showing my bottom to a coach load of nuns, sir.

and throwing an entire chicken curry into an electric fan

Hemorrhoids the depths to which these people will sink.

And what did you say?

I said "guilty".

The judge said "fine, 50 shillings".

I tell you, sir, Carnival nights in Trinidad were wild

Thank you for sharing that with us, Gladstone.

However, for the purposes of this exercise, can we please concentrate

on our role in court as arresting constables

rather than delinquent defendants

Now then, are you ready? I put it to you that you are a liar!

I put it to you that you and your fellow officers

have conspired to ruin an innocent man.

- Objection, your honour. - What?

This is nothing more than personal abuse.

On what possible evidence does my learned friend base it?

Well, young man?

Well... Look... Look, I haven't got any evidence.

Objection sustained. Mr Fowler will withdraw his remarks.

This is easy. You said this was gonna be difficult.

It isn't, this is a piece of piddle.

- No I will not withdraw my remarks. - Who is the judge here?

Look, I am your commanding officer and I make the rules.

If you're gonna be like that, then there's no point in playing, is there?

Look, this is an exercise.

This is a role-playing game.

Yeah, which only you're allowed to win.

All right, you be the defence council, go on.

You have a right go at Goody. Go on.

Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I don't want to play, sir.

It's a futile exercise anyway.

Judges always accept what the police say, evidence or not.

My god, in the '70s the coppers used to just phone it in from the pub.

Yes, all right, Habib.

You're not on "have I got news for you now," you know.

Goodness how I deplore this modern habit

of running down our national institutions willy-nilly.

If we are to dismiss things simply because they are not perfect

We shall soon find ourselves living in a world with very little in it

Except Horlicks.

And Gloria Hunniford.

Quite. Now, can we continue this exercise

without objections from the prosecution?

I'm going to continue haranguing Goody

And I don't want you to cry this time, is that clear?

I'll try not to, sir, but you were so mean...

Not half as mean as Algernon Sourgravy, I can assure you.

Now stop sulking, Habib, and put your tea cosy back on.

Now then, ready?

I put it to you that you are a liar!

I put it to you that you and your fellow officers

Have conspired to ruin an innocent man.

You're a disgrace to your uniform,

A disgrace to your mother, a disgrace-

Goody, will you stop crying?

Raymond, Harry the spike's barrister is here to see you.

Here? The ogre is amongst us.

Right. No nerves, no fear.

I will meet him with cold contempt and icy disdain.

It's not a him, it's a her.

It's the mayoress. She's a Q.C., you know,

As well as being a stuck-up tart.

She is the mayoress, sergeant, therefore deserving of your respect.

Why? Plenty of other dogs have chains around their necks.

Your worship, this is indeed an unhoped-of

And unlooked-for honour.

Welcome. Thrice welcome.

Thricely welcome and welcome thrice.

Oh drat, those cleaners, they leave their things everywhere.

Anyone would think that they didn't have a cupboard.

I'm afraid Mr Sourgravy had a heart attack

Over his mid-morning bottle of port.

Turns out that Harry the spike's got a pretty penny put away.

Astonishingly, he can afford me.

So I've taken the case.

Funny, isn't it?

All those years ago at school

You were so desperate to get stuck into my briefs.

And now I'm the brief that's gonna get stuck into you.

( Goody slurps )

Do you ever worry that you're getting thicker?

- What? - You know when you suddenly think,

"oh my god, I can't remember the name of superman's girlfriend.

I'm going to develop a terrible brain disease and have to wear an adult nappy."

I think everyone worries about that sometimes.

Yes, you're right.

It's just that I could have sworn

I had already looked behind that cooker before I found those drugs.

For the final time, Patricia, I do not fancy the mayoress.

Yes you do. You were going to be all icy and disdainful

And suddenly you're dribbling and drooling

And tripping up over your great big fat floppy wet tongue.

Sergeant, I will not be spoken to in this manner.

We are both at work, and I am your superior officer.

Besides which I do not fancy her.

I admire her, certainly.

She has a fine mind and superb calf muscles.

- Does that inevitably mean that I fancy her? - Yes.

No it doesn't. But were I to do so,

- Which I don't- - so you admit it.

I have just said which I don't.

But if I did, which I don't,

Then we are at work and it is no business of yours.

Do you love me when you're at work?

- Well of course I do, sergeant. - If you love me, then you can fancy a barrister.

- Well, I can fancy her- - so you do admit it!

No, I do not admit it. But if I did, which I don't-

Then you would not be allowed to object to it until we got home.

Right. I'll wait.

But I'll advise you not to take off your bicycle helmet tonight.

Constable Habib...

You know a bit about all that Muslim stuff, don't you?

I suppose so, sir. What did you have in mind?

I was just wondering if it would do for me.

I mean, I like spicy food,

- I'm not a big drinker... - It's a faith, sir.

- Not an evening out. - Exactly.

Faith. Religion. I'm looking for one.

Not for life, you understand, just for an hour or two.

You want to become a Muslim for an hour or two?

Well I don't really mind what I become as long as they provide

A sympathetic vicar and you don't have to pay.

I've got something on my conscience, you see.

I want to confess. See, my lot are no good.

Blimey, the C of E will let you get away with anything.

Adultery, coveting an ox...

As long as you give 'em a can of sweet corn

For harvest festival, they're happy.

But then the Catholics are too strict.

Once you're in the box with a priest they want the lot.

You gotta go right back to the state of your sheets in 1965.

Perhaps if you told me what was on your mind, sir?

Sometimes it helps to talk.

Well, that drugs bust we carried out...

- You see... never mind all that, sir...

Let's go and have a little drink, shall we, eh?

Keep your courage up for tomorrow's case.

Don't want to blow it, do we?

Here are commanding officer's ternaries.

I am gonna log on those minor arson recurrences Sarge.

I'm off to the pub

Jump, Gladstone, jump.

Sergeant Dawkins is a sergeant.

I will not have sloppy language in this station.

Just trying to speed things up sir.

a syllable here syllable there

by last orders I'll have enough time saved up

to get in an extra pint of Guinness.

English, Gladstone, is the language of Shakespeare.

You wouldn't find him going around at chopping bits off words, would you?

Hey faith my lord we're so into the Enzo this morn

Yes well Shakespeare was a poet. You're allowed to chop up words in poetry but

But not in police work.

It could lead to no end of confusion.

Look, look your commanding officer's itinerary.

Chop off the second halves of the words and you get come off it.

Minor arson recurrences

becomes my ass reeks.

Goodnight, Gladstone.

Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you, may I speak with you?

It's very, very important.

The thing is, I think C.I.D. may have done something awful.

One scarcely needs to be Sherlock Holmes

To draw that conclusion, Habib.

Have they been dropping cigarette ends in the toilets again?

- Worse. - Is there anything worse?

Well, sir, inspector Grim's having a crisis of conscience

And Goody said something really strange to me about yesterday's raid.

Now then, Goody...

Constable Habib informs me

That you may have had a strange loss of memory.

Well, yes I did, sir.

But it's all right, I remember it now.

- Do you, Goody? - Yes I do, sir.

It was Lois Lane.

We're not talking about superman's girlfriend.

- Oh... - We're talking about how you said

there were no drugs behind the cooker the first time you looked.

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.

But it's all right now, I'm very, very clear on that.

- Are you, Goody? - Yes I am, sir.

Because Gary Boyle from C.I.D. told me

That the drugs definitely, definitely were there

And that no matter what the defence barrister says,

I'm to say that they were there.

Yes, Goody. But supposing I put it to you

That they weren't there?

Oh, oh I see.

- Oh yes, now I understand. - Good.

You're being the barrister again, aren't you?

Sorry, sir, didn't recognize you without your mop.

And you can stuff this up your wig, mate-

The drugs were definitely there

And I'm not gonna cry either!

You think there really is a hell, Boyle?

Sir, the bloke is an evil swine.

We had to get him one way or another.

You're right, Boyle, I know that.

So, Derek...

I think that despite the best efforts of the mayoress,

We'll get a conviction tomorrow,

Thanks to your brilliant work.

Well, thank you, Raymond.

Although, your man found the drugs.

No, no, praise where praise is due.

It was very much your operation.

Harry the spike was a violent and brutal drug dealer.

The public had to be protected.

You were quite right to plant those drugs.

So you know, do you?

Yeah well, you're right, we had to get him.

I didn't like doing it, but it was the only way to see justice done.

In that case, inspector Grim, you are under arrest.

I'll deny everything, you got no evidence,

- Did you hear anything, Boyle? - Pardon?

( Tape rewinds )

And smile to the right, and three and four...

- Come on, ladies, step and smile... - You see,

What you've done here is...

- ( tape stops ) - ...You've only pressed the record button.

For some reason you've gotta press record and play simultaneously.

Never been able to understand why.

Come on, sir, let's have a nice drink

To celebrate the impending banging up

Of a very tasty pull- on P.C. Goody's evidence.

You'll never get me.

Sir, the mayoress wants to see you.

I don't like to lose, Raymond.

But your evidence has got me beaten.

He claims you've planted it, of course,

But the courts will believe the police.

I want a plea bargain.

- I can't give you that, mayoress. - Give it to me, Raymond!

I want it, I'm desperate for it.

You must give it to me now.

Mayoress, I'm going to do something deeply immoral

But when I'm finished, I think you'll be more than satisfied.

You're being so mean!

That's justice, constable.

What were you wearing when you arrested Mr Spike, Goody?

The new uniform. A pilot-style tunic

Made from tough serviceable fabric

Gathered at the waist. There is also a utility belt,

Fashioned from the rarest cowhide...

An unofficial uniform.

A uniform without insignia

Or identification numbers.

In short, constable Goody,

You made an arrest wearing

an entirely illegal uniform.

This case is null and void.

You're so mean!

You tipped her off about Goody's uniform, didn't you?

Yes I did, Grim,

Because I could think of no other way of losing the case.

And I will retire to my allotment before I knowingly

become a party to police corruption.

You and your flipping principles. The bloke's an animal.

He should be put away for the safety of the public.

The public can be in no greater danger

than when the police consider themselves above the law.

Better a criminal goes free

than the police become criminals themselves.

A violent, disgusting drug pusher walked free

because of your Goody-Goody,

Ladi-dadi, namby, hoity

Wishy, pamby, toity,

Washy, dadi-ladi, know-it-all,

Public school, stiff upper lip,

Stiff upper house master, prim and proper

Rule britannia-

Oh...

- I'm sorry, Raymond. - I beg your pardon?

I hate myself.

There is nothing lower than a bent copper.

It was just that I wanted that pull so badly.

I'm glad you stopped it, Raymond.

It weighed on me. I've been waking up in cold sweats.

I've had to tell Tina my piles are back.

Poor old girl, it's been very bleak for both of us.

You won't tell anybody about it, will you?

Raymond-

How did the mayoress know about Goody's uniform?

You tipped her off, didn't you?

You blew the case because you fancy her.

Patricia, you will withdraw that appalling,

unfair and unworthy accusation.

Well tell me why you did it then.

I had my reasons for doing what I did, Patricia.

They are not what you think, and there's an end to it.

And smile to the left and three and four...

And smile to the right and three and four...

...And come on, ladies, step and smile-

( tape slurs )

Mayoress: Give it to me, Raymond.

I want it, I'm desperate for it.

You must give it to me now.

Raymond: Mayoress, I'm going to do something deeply immoral,

But when I'm finished, I think you'll be more than satisfied.

Good evening, darling.

Is there anything wrong?

Take off your bicycle helmet, Raymond.

( Theme music playing )