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Evenin' all!
2
00:00:01,180 --> 00:00:03,020
Oh! Sounded like a policeman.
3
00:00:03,021 --> 00:00:04,459
Now pull up a chair,
4
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:08,939
a sofa or a chaise
for the more louche amongst you.
5
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:12,899
Naughty! And focus,
for I'm ready to impart ma' news.
6
00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:18,459
Mum is running for local council and
appointed Tilly as campaign manager.
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Prepare for the policies.
8
00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:24,459
M&S on the NHS!
9
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:27,140
A restraining order
for the whole of Essex!
10
00:00:27,141 --> 00:00:29,699
No tracksuits in Waitrose!
11
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:33,580
If you're wearing a tracksuit
and you're not exercising - Lidl.
12
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,580
Tax breaks for anyone
who marries this.
13
00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:44,659
But the big news,
prepare, Gary has been dating
14
00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:49,580
and is now an item
with a lovely girl called Rose.
15
00:00:50,860 --> 00:00:52,260
Convincing face?
16
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:55,180
Hey, babe, are you ready?
17
00:00:55,181 --> 00:00:57,140
Hey, babe, you ready?
18
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:01,140
Swede head.
19
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:03,860
Miranda!
20
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:09,659
So, re Rose,
I've decided - wait for it -
21
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I'm going to find me a boyfriend.
22
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:15,219
Start playing the field, yeah.
23
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,778
Stevie and I tried a spot o'field
playing but it got competitive
24
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,620
because it was a man in uniform!
25
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:36,580
Bonjour, I'm...
26
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Miranda.
27
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Rude.
28
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:47,460
Tonight, it's girls' night in but
after that, watch out, men. Oh...
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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Indian banquet,
the king of ready meals.
31
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:03,859
Oh! Indian banquet, nice!
32
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What's that? You want to switch
the oven on and sort it all out?
33
00:02:06,541 --> 00:02:08,419
Oh, thanks, Stevie.
34
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:09,619
Right, music.
35
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,859
I'm feeling Lionel.
36
00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:14,459
♪ Come on and sing along
37
00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:16,459
♪ All night long
38
00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:17,580
♪ All night
39
00:02:18,740 --> 00:02:20,100
♪ All night. ♪
40
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:23,898
Sorry, what other
best friend do you have
41
00:02:23,899 --> 00:02:26,020
to organise your
surprise birthday party?
42
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,619
I'm organising it.
43
00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:31,300
YOUR organising your own
SURPRISE party?
44
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:37,258
'Dress code - come as what you
wanted to be when you were younger.'
Nice.
45
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Hence the new shop's
fancy dress stock. Clever, Stevie.
46
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"You're hired." Thank you, Sir Alan!
47
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:45,978
Your task is to surprise me
48
00:02:45,979 --> 00:02:48,500
so I have a good reaction for
the photo on the night. Oh, OK.
49
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,859
So let's try it. Erm...
50
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,780
All your family have been pressed
to death by a steamroller
51
00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:56,499
and bricked up in a nunnery.
Surprise!
52
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,940
That's not a surprise,
that's ridiculous.
53
00:02:58,941 --> 00:03:01,699
Sorry, I'll work on it. Right...
54
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:04,498
Dish one needs to go
in the oven for 20 minutes. OK.
55
00:03:04,499 --> 00:03:07,700
This one needs to go
in the oven for 15 minutes.
Helloingtons, Queen Kongs.
56
00:03:07,701 --> 00:03:09,019
What's going down?
57
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:11,819
Indian banquet.
58
00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:14,298
Now this dish is microwaveable,
three minutes,
59
00:03:14,299 --> 00:03:16,860
that goes in 17 minutes
after dish one.
60
00:03:16,861 --> 00:03:18,860
Agh!
61
00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:21,619
It's Friday night.
62
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:26,060
We're in our mid 30s and
we're doing some sort of curry exam.
63
00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:30,300
Total Mare Portas. Put it down!
64
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,458
We need to get to a nightclub
and go on the pullingtons.
65
00:03:34,459 --> 00:03:38,178
She's right. How are you going to get
a boyfriend if we keep staying in?
66
00:03:38,179 --> 00:03:40,740
Sorry, you're... you're trying
to get a boyfriend?
67
00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:43,379
No. Sorry.
68
00:03:43,380 --> 00:03:46,138
It's totes possiblos. Well, you're
going to have to go clubbing.
69
00:03:46,139 --> 00:03:49,418
No, because my future boyfriend
won't be in a discotheque.
70
00:03:49,419 --> 00:03:52,900
He'll be a knight in shining armour
revealing himself purposefully.
71
00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:53,940
Beat ya!
72
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:56,620
Oh, sorry we're crashing something.
73
00:03:56,621 --> 00:03:58,099
Girls' night.
74
00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:00,259
Oh can I jump in? No.
75
00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:02,938
My hot water's still not working,
do you mind if we shower here?
76
00:04:02,939 --> 00:04:06,260
Or we could shower together,
that would save water.
No, unacceptable.
77
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:10,419
So Kong are you
heading clubwards or...?
78
00:04:10,420 --> 00:04:13,980
Right, sweaty boyfriend,
I will turn your cold shower hot.
79
00:04:13,981 --> 00:04:15,700
Yes! Yes, I am!
80
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:18,458
What, you? Going clubbing?
81
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,938
Well, it's wrong to deny
menkind this, isn't it?
82
00:04:20,939 --> 00:04:23,940
Y'know. Who wouldn't want
a bit of this, yeah?
83
00:04:24,940 --> 00:04:28,780
You, want a bit? Want a bit of this?
84
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:34,140
I'm aware it's gone weird, camp,
and slightly threatening.
85
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:36,340
Sorry.
86
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,620
Right, scanning for men.
They're everywhere.
87
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,339
OK, be sexy.
88
00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:54,300
Right, for those of us with allure,
that's just me, switch it on.
89
00:04:54,301 --> 00:04:55,339
Bang!
90
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:56,539
Allure!
91
00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:59,418
Alerticles, be alert.
You'll know when it's a thing.
92
00:04:59,419 --> 00:05:01,980
You'll get a
'this is a thing' signal.
93
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:08,099
How did she...?
How does it become a thing?
94
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:11,378
So, never going to be a thing
with sort of half bopping.
95
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:14,220
What am I doing? I look
like Thunderbird who needs a wee.
96
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:19,100
Oh, Stevie, I'm so never getting
a boyfriend. Why do...?
97
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,700
Come on, Miranda.
98
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,100
Ah, maybe this is a thing?
99
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:36,819
Hi! I'm pretty good at farm noises,
yeah.
100
00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:39,019
Let's do a tractor.
101
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:40,659
Pffffffft!
102
00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:43,940
It's not a thing.
Excuse me, lady, you're popping out.
103
00:05:43,941 --> 00:05:47,020
You've got a loose boob!
104
00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:51,418
Hi, are you the news reporter?
Michael Jackford,
105
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:54,378
reporting from a nightclub
he's 20 years too old to attend.
106
00:05:54,379 --> 00:05:56,100
Err, do, do you want a, um...
107
00:05:56,101 --> 00:06:00,099
Oh, wait for it, I...
I CAN be down with it, a alcopop?
108
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,340
I think I'm ready
to claim my jim-jams.
109
00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:04,938
Why are you enduring this?
110
00:06:04,939 --> 00:06:08,700
It's a work colleague, it's her
leaving do. Couldn't avoid it.
111
00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:13,418
How about joining 'da yoot'
and getting a Maccy-dees?
112
00:06:13,419 --> 00:06:15,140
Anything to get out of here.
113
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:21,939
This will surprise you, little one.
114
00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:24,099
I've found the Marmite.
115
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,980
Get down, armed police. Agh!
116
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:28,939
Surprise!
117
00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:32,539
How is this a surprise face?
118
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:35,900
This is a face of terror
from a sudden mock arrest!
119
00:06:37,380 --> 00:06:39,698
Well PC Miranda's
a bit of a surprise, isn't she?
120
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,620
She's a bit feisty
and confident with her...
121
00:06:42,621 --> 00:06:44,860
truncheon.
122
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,898
Spread your legs,
please, let's be having you.
123
00:06:48,899 --> 00:06:53,740
Now, just shush all round and no
messing. I'm desperate to hear about
last night.
124
00:06:53,741 --> 00:06:55,539
So, tell all.
125
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,619
We stayed up till three.
ME - up till three!
126
00:06:58,620 --> 00:06:59,898
And? And? Any kissing?
127
00:06:59,899 --> 00:07:02,180
We just talked.
He obviously wasn't interested.
128
00:07:02,181 --> 00:07:03,859
Oh, no, hang on.
129
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:07,618
Or he was and you didn't see it was
a thing and know how to play it.
130
00:07:07,619 --> 00:07:09,658
How will I ever know
how to 'play it'? I mean,
131
00:07:09,659 --> 00:07:11,898
if only we were peacocks -
he'd flash his feathers,
132
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:14,180
I'd assume the position,
we'd know where we were.
133
00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,898
I just want to be with someone.
134
00:07:17,899 --> 00:07:21,340
Oh, only because of Gary and Rose.
Stop being so jealous.
135
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,779
She's not that bad.
136
00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:25,659
She jogs without a bra.
137
00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:27,299
If I jogged braless,
138
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:29,980
it would look like I was smuggling
ferrets in my armpits.
139
00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:32,938
But it's not just Rose.
140
00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:35,898
I mean, it's hard being alone,
isn't it? Even the cinema.
141
00:07:35,899 --> 00:07:38,138
You buy your popcorn
then you need the loo.
142
00:07:38,139 --> 00:07:42,098
Then there's no-one to hold
your popcorn so you have to take
into the cubicle, which is weird.
143
00:07:42,099 --> 00:07:43,900
You know what happened
the last time.
144
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,139
Free hummus for the over 40s!
145
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,460
Sue Barker for Queen!
146
00:07:57,460 --> 00:07:59,579
Oh, Miranda.
147
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:04,419
Now, I need you to be
on best behaviour for my campaign.
148
00:08:04,420 --> 00:08:08,499
So, don't get arrested or,
tonight at my launch,
149
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,020
try not to be there.
150
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:15,219
So, Kong, saw you with
that man at the club.
151
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:18,019
Oh, sorry, bear with.
152
00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:19,700
Bear with.
153
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:24,700
Funny photo.
154
00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:28,140
So erm, how did, how did that go?
Well...
155
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,779
There's always Benjy.
156
00:08:29,780 --> 00:08:32,659
First cousin Benjy. Um...
157
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:36,659
I'm the most beautiful goose.
Ssss!
158
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:41,299
No. And PC Miranda
says that we, well, I,
159
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:44,019
for we are one and the same,
160
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:48,540
we shall have a boyfriend for
Stevie's Come What You Wanted To Be
When You Were Younger Party.
161
00:08:48,541 --> 00:08:53,500
So, call Major Sex
and his friend Colonel Pot.
162
00:08:55,780 --> 00:09:01,299
If you have a boyfriend for Stevie's
party, I shall fill my pants
163
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,780
with custard and I shall
do around 200 star jumps.
164
00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:08,459
Darling, what are you going as?
165
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:12,858
Well, when I was younger, I always
wanted to be a piece of popcorn.
166
00:09:12,859 --> 00:09:14,258
No, let me explain. You see,
167
00:09:14,259 --> 00:09:16,938
I loved the idea of bouncing...
You'll understand.
168
00:09:16,939 --> 00:09:20,458
I loved the idea of bouncing
about in a saucepan with my friends
169
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:23,020
and then turning in to
something beautiful, you know.
170
00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:27,619
What's happening?
171
00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:29,020
Are you having a stroke?
172
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,499
Erm...
173
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,220
Hello again, Michael Jackford.
174
00:09:44,221 --> 00:09:45,419
Hello.
175
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,699
I'm just doing my, er,
police exercises, er,
176
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:53,620
policercise which, er,
IS a thing we do, the police.
177
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:57,380
The pigs, the filth.
I'm a big old filthy pig.
178
00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:02,819
No, I am a Special Constable,
er, volunteer police.
179
00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:04,379
Oh, wow!
180
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:06,938
Yes, so that colleague
who's leaving, I needed a gift
181
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:09,138
and when you mentioned
the shop I, er...
182
00:10:09,139 --> 00:10:10,980
but you're busy so don't worry.
183
00:10:10,981 --> 00:10:12,020
See you.
184
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,139
No! That totally was a thing.
185
00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:19,498
That was a thing?
He didn't come in here to buy.
186
00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:20,978
He came because it was a thing.
187
00:10:20,979 --> 00:10:24,018
Well, stop saying it's a thing
because if I know it's a thing
I won't cope.
188
00:10:24,019 --> 00:10:25,700
It's a thing, it's a thing!
189
00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:26,899
Hi again.
190
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,860
'Ello 'ello and good moaning.
191
00:10:30,740 --> 00:10:33,138
I thought I'd find
that gift, actually.
192
00:10:33,139 --> 00:10:36,060
Sure, yes, we have nick-nacks,
nickety-nacks,
193
00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:40,060
nick-nackery-noo and all
manner of nicky-nacky-noodles.
194
00:10:43,620 --> 00:10:46,859
Flirt. Be open.
Be open, be open. Yeah. Oh!
195
00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:49,580
Um, I'm making
a bit of a meal out of this.
196
00:10:49,581 --> 00:10:51,780
I'm sitting on something pointy.
197
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:56,899
I wondered
if you wanted to go out tonight?
198
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,540
First date in years.
199
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,220
She's desperate.
200
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,740
Work are sending me on a local job.
I mean, it's usually am-dram
or something,
201
00:11:06,741 --> 00:11:10,299
but it'd be nice to have
company and maybe dinner?
202
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:11,660
Shall I pick you up at 6.30?
203
00:11:11,661 --> 00:11:13,740
Great. OK, see you later.
204
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:18,619
Hello, Things Analysis?
Yes, that was a thing.
205
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,820
We need a date summit immediately.
Focus or it'll go tits up.
206
00:11:21,821 --> 00:11:23,300
Ooh! Sounds positive.
207
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:28,819
For to feel good inwardly,
feel good outwardly.
208
00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:31,420
"Feel good outwardly?"
Now, next item on my agenda.
209
00:11:31,421 --> 00:11:34,539
Gaol for anyone
sporting a tattoo!
210
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:37,659
Hi! Come join,
I'm holding a summit.
211
00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,219
Miranda's got a date.
212
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,419
Alleluia!
213
00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:41,699
Sorry, confused.
214
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,658
A man who's already spent time
with you wants to see you again?
215
00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:46,460
Yeah. Oh, whoa-zone layers!
216
00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:51,100
Right, conversational tips.
This year's laugh...
217
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:56,260
Oh, no. ..is based on the song
Price Tag by Jessica J.
218
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:59,698
♪ Don't need your
money, money, money
219
00:11:59,699 --> 00:12:01,580
♪ Forget about the price tag
220
00:12:01,581 --> 00:12:04,899
♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha
221
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,900
♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ♪
222
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,739
Right, um, next item. Anecdote. OK.
223
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:15,458
Yes, an amusing story,
show you've had life experiences.
224
00:12:15,459 --> 00:12:18,018
Oh, no, I've got this one covered.
This is amusing.
225
00:12:18,019 --> 00:12:21,460
One time, I got a phone call,
someone said, "Miranda?"
226
00:12:21,461 --> 00:12:24,979
I said, "Yes."
He said, "We've got your curtains."
227
00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:27,500
I thought, "Weird, what curtains?"
228
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,700
It was a wrong number.
229
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:33,780
They weren't MY curtains!
230
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:40,580
They were someone else's curtains!
231
00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:44,899
Hey, babe. Oh, hi, babe!
232
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,660
Hey. Are you all right? Yeah.
233
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:49,298
Oh, well that's too long.
234
00:12:49,299 --> 00:12:51,380
Have a breadstick.
Come on. There you go.
235
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:57,140
So, what are we on?
Well, we're all on chairs but...
236
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,659
We're discussing... Gary and I...
237
00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:05,620
Oh, well, back to you.
..are going on a hotel break.
238
00:13:05,621 --> 00:13:07,819
Oh, well, tell us all about it.
239
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,860
Well, it's at a spa hotel... Great!
240
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,299
Oh, heavy!
241
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:18,620
So, um, no, we're just discussing,
Rose, it's not important
242
00:13:18,621 --> 00:13:20,859
but I've got a date, yeah.
243
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:24,500
Sorry, what's his name? Michael.
Miranda and Michael.
244
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:27,460
Ooh! They'll call us Miracheal!
245
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:31,019
Miracle!
246
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,900
Oooh!
247
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:37,980
Now what are you going to wear?
248
00:13:37,981 --> 00:13:40,179
It's all about the look.
249
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:42,538
Oh! Well I'm not going shopping.
Terrified of it.
250
00:13:42,539 --> 00:13:45,700
Why don't you take Rose
with you to hold your hand?
I would love that.
251
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:48,299
Well, I'd love that...
252
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,739
Right, come on then, quick sticks!
253
00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:52,660
Great. Great, no, that's lovely.
254
00:13:52,661 --> 00:13:53,860
See you later.
255
00:13:56,380 --> 00:13:58,659
Oh, hiya! Hi! Hi!
256
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:00,219
You all right? Yeah.
257
00:14:00,220 --> 00:14:01,658
Stevie, I don't like it.
258
00:14:01,659 --> 00:14:03,178
I mean it's so dark and loud.
259
00:14:03,179 --> 00:14:05,818
Is it a shop or a disco?
It's like a discop.
260
00:14:05,819 --> 00:14:08,098
No we're too old.
Well, we can do this.
261
00:14:08,099 --> 00:14:10,540
Don't show us up
in front of Rose. Right.
262
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:16,100
Hey, Rose, Rose,
do you like my new boyfriend?
263
00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:19,819
Oh! Oh, it's real! Sorry.
Ooh, smashing can we touch?
264
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:22,020
Inappropriate, sorry. OK...
265
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:25,460
Shop 'n bop!
266
00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:28,979
Oh, Miranda. Perfect!
267
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:31,178
Knock him dead
with a little black dress.
268
00:14:31,179 --> 00:14:34,938
Great idea. I'll get you some Spanx,
we'll suck all this in.
269
00:14:34,939 --> 00:14:37,020
Might need full body ones.
(My personal space!)
270
00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:41,499
Stevie. I need a bigger size!
271
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,700
Is that the dress? Perfect.
272
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:54,259
Oh, no. Why you? Cover yourself up.
273
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,779
That was the dress.
274
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,060
What are you doing?
275
00:14:57,061 --> 00:15:01,699
I am just modelling because,
you know, I mean, not all of us can.
276
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,539
You... Pft!
277
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:04,980
But you know when you're buff.
278
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:10,699
Someone has left their bag and a
clown outfit in the dressing room.
279
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:14,739
Those are mine!
Right, sorry but that is it.
280
00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:16,060
Stop the music, thank you.
281
00:15:16,061 --> 00:15:20,379
And can you stop bopping,
we're shopping, not bopping.
282
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:23,778
Thank you very much.
And this is not a clown outfit.
283
00:15:23,779 --> 00:15:27,098
It may look big but that's because
it's worn by the type of woman
284
00:15:27,099 --> 00:15:30,060
who sports something you may not
have heard of called flesh.
285
00:15:30,061 --> 00:15:33,779
That's flesh. Because
we like something called cake.
286
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:36,299
Cake. You should try it.
287
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:40,340
And if you're young enough for lucky
metabolisms, it won't last!
288
00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:43,299
Right, can everyone
just leave, please?
289
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,980
If you're heavy enough to make
the automatic doors open.
290
00:15:45,981 --> 00:15:48,060
Huddle together, jump as one.
291
00:15:49,780 --> 00:15:52,938
Just one last thing, please.
Cashier number four, please.
292
00:15:52,939 --> 00:15:54,580
Always wanted to do that.
293
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:58,419
Why did you put henna on?
294
00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:01,340
I got the wrong bottle
I thought it was moustache bleach.
295
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:04,260
Put this on.
296
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,220
Well, how is that going to help?
297
00:16:07,221 --> 00:16:09,579
Oh, these Spanx are really hot.
298
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,419
Well, open the door.
299
00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:13,778
Well, this is a good look, isn't it?
300
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:16,980
At least they hold in the
wobbly bobbly fleshy bits.
301
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:21,379
Hi!
302
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,218
Sorry, bit early. No, no, no,
303
00:16:23,219 --> 00:16:25,820
I was just trying on a, err...
This is a wetsuit
304
00:16:25,821 --> 00:16:29,659
because I am a scuba diver.
305
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:31,340
Call me quirky!
306
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:35,700
I'll be with you
in a tickety mondo, Mike.
307
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:42,220
Cringe walk!
308
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:44,420
I had this on!
309
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:50,260
Oh, here? There's bound to be some
ghastly posho who wants to ban
310
00:16:50,261 --> 00:16:52,179
hoodies from Waitrose.
311
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:53,780
Why don't I wait next door?
312
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:55,539
Be a shame... for me.
313
00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:57,940
Besides, my new boss is here,
you'll help me impress him.
314
00:16:57,941 --> 00:17:01,539
Michael. Hi. Hi. Miranda,
this is Zavier, my boss.
315
00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:05,658
Hi. I'm afraid we were just on the
PM's attitude to economic growth.
316
00:17:05,659 --> 00:17:08,020
And don't get me started
on inflation.
317
00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:15,459
People forget the macro implications
of diverting resources
from productivity.
318
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:17,818
Diverting resources
from productivity, yeah.
319
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:20,538
Just repeat sounds
like you understand.
320
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,820
There will be another GDP downturn.
321
00:17:22,821 --> 00:17:24,819
Another GDP downturn, yeah.
322
00:17:24,820 --> 00:17:26,738
Must just point
Percy at the porcelain.
323
00:17:26,739 --> 00:17:28,820
Must just point Percy
at the porcelain.
324
00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:31,460
Sorry! No.
325
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,180
What are you doing here?
326
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,699
On my date!
327
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:42,060
Don't say you're my mother.
Don't say you're my daughter.
Worse for me!
328
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,139
- You OK?
- Hi.
329
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:47,380
I'm Penny, I'm running for council.
330
00:17:47,381 --> 00:17:50,179
Of course, hello. This is Miranda.
331
00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:52,860
Hello, very nice to meet you.
332
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,060
Is this your girlfriend?
333
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:57,859
Well, er, date.
334
00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:01,099
Well, I've only just met Miranda
335
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,860
but my guess is
she has great child bearing hips.
336
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:08,778
And in the right wedding dress
wouldn't look like a transvestite.
337
00:18:08,779 --> 00:18:11,020
I can also say... Do you have to?
338
00:18:11,021 --> 00:18:14,659
I'd imagine that
she's highly inexperienced
339
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,140
but would be most satisfactory
once you've bedded her in.
340
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,620
Now, Penny, is it wise to
have your daughter in such...?
341
00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:24,860
Oh, you have a daughter?
342
00:18:24,861 --> 00:18:27,460
Oh, she's defo pants not here!
343
00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:32,178
And what does she think
about your foray into politics?
344
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,338
I imagine she's thrilled.
345
00:18:33,339 --> 00:18:36,458
I imagine she's mortified
but then nothing's new.
346
00:18:36,459 --> 00:18:39,098
Her earliest memory was her parents
playing Naked Cluedo.
347
00:18:39,099 --> 00:18:41,420
No-one wants to see
their father's Professor Plums.
348
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,018
Zavier,
you're looking very well by the way.
349
00:18:52,019 --> 00:18:53,898
Been on holiday, diving trip.
350
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:55,900
- Oh, Miranda scuba dives.
- Does she?
351
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,619
Yes.
352
00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:58,820
Where do you normally dive?
353
00:18:58,821 --> 00:19:00,500
In the sea.
354
00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:03,740
Normally in the sea. Seychelles?
355
00:19:03,741 --> 00:19:05,420
Shells.
356
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,258
I know where I recognise you from.
357
00:19:10,259 --> 00:19:14,020
I was shopping with my son earlier,
you're that lingerie model,
358
00:19:14,021 --> 00:19:15,699
Is she? Yes.
359
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,258
So, Penny, I gather you're
keen on more police on the beat?
360
00:19:18,259 --> 00:19:21,980
Oh, Miranda would have an
opinion on that. She volunteers
as a Special Constable.
361
00:19:21,981 --> 00:19:24,019
Does she? Yes.
362
00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,419
Wow! Impressive.
363
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:28,538
So, in light of the cuts, what do you
think should happen with the police?
364
00:19:28,539 --> 00:19:30,098
Yes, what would the police say?
365
00:19:30,099 --> 00:19:32,980
They'd probably say, "Every breath
you take, every move you make,
366
00:19:32,981 --> 00:19:34,939
"I'll be watching you."
367
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,499
Don't sing.
368
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,419
♪ Oh, can't you see
369
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:40,339
♪ You belong to me
370
00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:42,819
♪ My poor heart aches... ♪
371
00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:45,579
Stop there, stop there.
372
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:48,340
♪ Since you've been gone
I've been lost without a trace... ♪
373
00:19:48,341 --> 00:19:49,499
Everybody!
374
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,298
♪ I dream at night
I can only see your face
375
00:19:52,299 --> 00:19:53,620
♪ I look around... ♪
376
00:19:53,621 --> 00:19:54,739
Join in!
377
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,619
♪ It's you I can't replace
378
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,660
♪ I feel so cold
and I long for... ♪
379
00:19:58,661 --> 00:19:59,979
You're not joining?
380
00:19:59,980 --> 00:20:04,860
♪ I just keep crying,
baby, baby please. ♪
381
00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:08,060
Had to get to that bit!
382
00:20:09,220 --> 00:20:10,260
Thank you.
383
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,580
Don't worry, Mike, about the dinner.
384
00:20:13,581 --> 00:20:17,220
I appreciate it's hard
to be in public with this.
385
00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:21,460
Neigh, it's a sort of horsey!
386
00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:26,139
And your exit move was...?
387
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:29,419
Like that and then a kind of...
388
00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:30,459
Oh, dear.
389
00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:33,539
The thing is, Stevie,
I really fancy him.
390
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,378
I know it's silly,
I've only just met him,
391
00:20:35,379 --> 00:20:38,060
but I just have this hunch
about him that he got me.
392
00:20:38,061 --> 00:20:39,659
Oh, I'm sorry.
393
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:42,740
Stevie, have you checked
your lottery ticket yet?
394
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,899
All the numbers match.
395
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:48,420
You've won the lottery! So...
I've won the lottery!
396
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:53,940
I can buy a complete set
of Sylvanian Families!
397
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:58,339
No, surprise! No, surprise!
398
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,260
You didn't win the lottery,
it's just, oh, that's backfired.
399
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:04,420
Sylvanian Families?
400
00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:09,220
I am going to get very short
with you in a minute.
401
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,739
Already pretty short.
402
00:21:12,740 --> 00:21:14,978
Oh, sorry,
let's cheer with fancy dress,
403
00:21:14,979 --> 00:21:17,180
I'm desperate to try
the fairy costume.
404
00:21:17,181 --> 00:21:19,699
Oh! Well...
405
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,020
Hello, Fairy Miranda.
406
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:26,299
She's a bit flirty
and sexy, isn't she?
407
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:30,740
Oh, I've got wings.
Not in a feminine hygiene way.
408
00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:35,220
In a sort of slutty moth, you know.
409
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:37,578
Ooh, wand, yeah, nice.
410
00:21:37,579 --> 00:21:40,660
Hi! I can make your dreams
and wishes come true.
411
00:21:40,661 --> 00:21:42,260
Maybe, you will.
412
00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:46,859
Nice dress.
413
00:21:46,860 --> 00:21:49,659
It's a fairy...
What are you doing here?
414
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:54,979
Yeah, last night WAS kind of weird,
but, um, well something in me
415
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,940
needs to work you out.
Call me Marple. Marple.
416
00:21:57,941 --> 00:21:59,540
Of all the detectives.
417
00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:01,659
Plus...
418
00:22:01,660 --> 00:22:03,739
I really fancy you.
419
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,619
So...
420
00:22:05,620 --> 00:22:07,459
How about tonight?
421
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:11,380
Tonight your wishes might
be granted. I shall dig out my
little black dress.
422
00:22:11,381 --> 00:22:14,060
Go, slutty moth! She's desperate.
423
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:18,340
Little black dress, eh?
424
00:22:25,020 --> 00:22:27,939
Got a second date!
Got a second date!
425
00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:29,860
Inadvertently played a blinder.
426
00:22:29,861 --> 00:22:31,939
Invertebrate... Too hard.
427
00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:34,458
Got a second date!
Got a second date!
428
00:22:34,459 --> 00:22:36,698
I said I'd get that little
black dress.
429
00:22:36,699 --> 00:22:39,100
How will I? Oh, I'm too scared
to go back to those spindly,
430
00:22:39,101 --> 00:22:40,579
boppy shoppers.
431
00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:42,820
How will I? How? How? Focus.
432
00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:45,460
I've got it!
433
00:22:48,740 --> 00:22:52,499
Move along, please.
Can't bear a street dawdler.
434
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:57,180
Pull over if you want to text.
Don't ruin the adult face flow.
435
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:00,740
Let's be having you.
Oi!
436
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:07,459
No, no, no, no, no,
Tax evasion is fine really.
437
00:23:07,460 --> 00:23:10,859
Monaco is such fun.
Constable Kong!
438
00:23:10,860 --> 00:23:12,299
What are you doing?
439
00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:14,980
Need a black dress.
Got a second date.
440
00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:20,659
Let PC Miranda deal with this
thank you. Move aside please.
441
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:22,738
You ARE causing
a breach of the peace.
442
00:23:22,739 --> 00:23:26,178
I will use my powers of arrest,
though it suits me.
443
00:23:26,179 --> 00:23:27,778
You're under arrest, madam.
444
00:23:27,779 --> 00:23:30,578
Good one. Where did you get your
cozzies from? It's fun, isn't it?
445
00:23:30,579 --> 00:23:33,460
I am arresting you on suspicion
of impersonating a police officer.
446
00:23:33,461 --> 00:23:34,699
It's less fun now.
447
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:38,418
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you fail... Ooh!
448
00:23:38,419 --> 00:23:41,058
Your truncheon doesn't squeak,
if you pardon.
449
00:23:41,059 --> 00:23:44,298
To mention when questioned
something which you may later
rely on in court.
450
00:23:44,299 --> 00:23:48,180
Real arrest! I don't know
if it's exciting or scary. Real gun!
451
00:23:48,181 --> 00:23:49,299
Scary!
452
00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:50,939
Oh! Scary!
453
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:53,180
Though man
in uniform's quite exciting.
454
00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:57,460
No, scary, it is scary
cos it's all a bit... MUM!
455
00:23:57,461 --> 00:23:58,499
Mummy!
456
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,218
So, you say this is
a fancy dress outfit?
457
00:24:01,219 --> 00:24:05,218
Yeah, so we had a new range of
fancy dress in my shop and, um...
458
00:24:05,219 --> 00:24:06,898
Sorry, does this officer ever speak?
459
00:24:06,899 --> 00:24:09,498
The silent stare
is quite off putting.
460
00:24:09,499 --> 00:24:12,138
Are you going to suddenly shine
a lamp in my face and I'll go,
461
00:24:12,139 --> 00:24:15,540
"You'll get nothing out of me,
pig, I ain't saying nuffink!"
462
00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:18,579
I am acting
as my daughter's counsel.
463
00:24:18,580 --> 00:24:20,139
Mummy!
464
00:24:20,140 --> 00:24:23,139
Officer, I plead to your hearts.
465
00:24:23,140 --> 00:24:25,220
This woman has
a second date tonight.
466
00:24:25,221 --> 00:24:28,539
These don't get second dates.
467
00:24:28,540 --> 00:24:30,019
Yes, thank you!
468
00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:32,140
She was frisked twice
at Gatwick last year
469
00:24:32,141 --> 00:24:34,819
and still calls it
a holiday romance.
470
00:24:34,820 --> 00:24:38,018
Take pity, she needs to be done
by about, shall we say,
471
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,578
what I call four o'clock?
472
00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,978
We really do all
call it four o'clock.
473
00:24:41,979 --> 00:24:44,978
Look, just check these details
are correct and sign.
474
00:24:44,979 --> 00:24:47,818
Oh, good, we're filing quickly?
And then bail? Most likely.
475
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:50,300
Most likely? But she's
never been arrested before.
476
00:24:50,301 --> 00:24:52,059
No criminal activity.
477
00:24:52,060 --> 00:24:54,458
That's not strictly true.
You do have form.
478
00:24:54,459 --> 00:24:55,820
Thank you very much.
479
00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:58,380
It's not a compliment, madam.
480
00:24:58,381 --> 00:25:00,500
Go and get some teas, Davis.
481
00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:04,979
Quote. "I feel confident
as PC Miranda
482
00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:07,540
"and flirty as Fairy Miranda."
483
00:25:09,860 --> 00:25:12,140
I'll go and see
if the Sergeant's available.
484
00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:17,298
Darling, swap clothes with me.
485
00:25:17,299 --> 00:25:19,780
No. I'm not looking like
an extra in Midsomer Murders.
486
00:25:19,781 --> 00:25:21,859
Just do it. Fine.
487
00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:24,220
I'll say it was me who
was arrested to the sergeant.
488
00:25:24,221 --> 00:25:25,539
Mum, you can't!
489
00:25:25,540 --> 00:25:27,738
At least you'll have
an amusing story for your date.
490
00:25:27,739 --> 00:25:30,418
But if you're arrested,
your political career is over.
491
00:25:30,419 --> 00:25:32,500
Your love life is more important.
492
00:25:32,501 --> 00:25:34,059
Oh, Mummy!
493
00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:37,339
This second date CAN'T go wrong.
494
00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:38,740
Quick!
495
00:25:48,980 --> 00:25:51,419
Sarge, it was me what done it.
496
00:25:51,420 --> 00:25:54,780
You're wasting your breath, copper,
I ain't yakking.
497
00:25:54,781 --> 00:25:56,580
Go son, go!
498
00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:00,099
Now, Sarge.
499
00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:02,780
I wanna fag, I 'ave rights.
500
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:06,180
Such fun!
501
00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:10,460
To staying in and avoiding
youth in bars.
502
00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:13,499
You look lovely.
503
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,818
I didn't get the dress
but thank you.
504
00:26:15,819 --> 00:26:18,818
So, I've got an amusing story
but how was your day?
505
00:26:18,819 --> 00:26:20,978
Oh, had an argument
before I left work.
506
00:26:20,979 --> 00:26:25,300
Zavier wanted me to talk to the
police about someone arrested for
impersonating a police officer.
507
00:26:25,301 --> 00:26:28,619
I refused. I thought
"Local nutter alert."
508
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:29,940
What was your story?
509
00:26:31,580 --> 00:26:33,740
They weren't my curtains!
510
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:41,660
So, Quirky.
511
00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:56,220
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
512
00:26:57,500 --> 00:27:01,259
So, questions, if I may?
Yes, Marple.
513
00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:03,978
Oh, I'd hate you to think I'm
a nutter after last night.
514
00:27:03,979 --> 00:27:07,538
Madam, you're still under arrest
for impersonating a police officer.
515
00:27:07,539 --> 00:27:09,060
YOU were the impersonator?
516
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:10,499
And escaping custody.
517
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:13,700
Oh yeah, we did notice that you'd
swapped places with your mother.
518
00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:16,580
That's your mother?
519
00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:26,098
Back to dreaming
of my imaginary knight
520
00:27:26,099 --> 00:27:28,820
and what's Stevie's
surprise face going to be?
521
00:27:28,821 --> 00:27:29,979
Hi, Quirky.
522
00:27:29,980 --> 00:27:32,219
Popcorn?
523
00:27:32,220 --> 00:27:33,778
I'm sorry I left last night.
524
00:27:33,779 --> 00:27:36,380
I'm kind of hoping
there's an explanation?
525
00:27:36,381 --> 00:27:39,139
And I can't judge
anyone on their mum.
526
00:27:39,140 --> 00:27:42,020
Oh, please don't. Turns out
my mother wanted to be Cher.
527
00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:46,460
Such fun!
528
00:27:48,660 --> 00:27:51,498
I certainly wouldn't want
anyone judging me on my dad.
529
00:27:51,499 --> 00:27:54,700
That was the real you in the club
that night, wasn't it?
530
00:27:54,701 --> 00:27:56,219
I thought so.
531
00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:59,058
Oh, Gary, you haven't met.
This is Mike, my..
532
00:27:59,059 --> 00:28:01,538
Boyfriend? Oh, I'm an idiot.
Too soon.
533
00:28:01,539 --> 00:28:04,220
I had a hunch and thought,
"Go for it." Sorry, back track.
534
00:28:04,221 --> 00:28:07,459
No, I'm also with hunch.
535
00:28:07,460 --> 00:28:09,059
This is Mike...
536
00:28:09,060 --> 00:28:10,540
MY BOYFRIEND!
537
00:28:13,980 --> 00:28:16,380
Quick, surprise face! Take a photo.
538
00:28:18,260 --> 00:28:20,459
Pinch me! Finally!
539
00:28:20,460 --> 00:28:22,459
Miracle!
540
00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:24,619
Wow! So are you happy?
541
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,060
Yeah.
542
00:28:54,177 --> 00:29:22,360
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