Original subtitles

Well, hello to you, and a hearty, Happy Christmas!

Oh, I've missed you. Thrilled to be reunited.

Thank you for dressing up or down, in some cases.

And to those for undressing, I'm flattered,

but put them back on, please. It's weird. OK.

Right, catch-up time. Firstly,

Gary. Well, we've agreed just friends.

No, it's the right thing to do

and easier than our attempts at romance.

- Ooh! Are you OK? - Yeah. Mm hmm.

Yeah? Just... just give us a minute.

Want a bit of this?

Now, Mum, she's on a mission to get me trim 'n fit.

It's not working. Mini mince pie? Mine!

But she did force me to her and Tilly's Zumba class.

Next move!

Oh no, that's sexual. Sorry, I'm not doing that.

And find partners!

Oh, well. When in Rome.

Flirt!

Hi, I'm gymnastics level 2.

And now to reveal my big bulletin.

Not a euphemism.

My lovely shop has gone under. I know!

Well, we hit hard times, and Stevie said

I wasn't taking the business seriously.

And you really thought maracas would sell?

Please, for once, just focus.

Now, if we sell...

- Celebrate good times... - Right! That's it. I quit!

Oh no! Stevie, wait!

Biscuit Blizzard, yeah?

So Stevie's got some executive job, but on a positive note,

it's cake and sherry night tonight -

Yes, I am 80 -

to celebrate MY new job starting tomorrow.

Admin assistant at your service.

Cue titles.

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake...

Right, you want to learn to marzipan the cake?

- Yes, Madam. - OK.

Oh! No! No, no, no, no.

Much more gently than that. That's it. Just smooth it.

We're interrupting!

Queen Kong, Gary! You were on the brink of a kiss.

Totes brinkulating.

No!

We're just friends. We are hanging.

We are sorting it.

"We" this, "We" that.

Yeah, can you stop "Weeing"?

Can you stop "Weeing"?

Because of the connotation.

Can you stop "Weeing"?

So where have you been?

You're late for sherry and a slice night.

We've been trying some evening classes. We just did Kendo.

It's fun, yet... yet violent.

We-oh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

It's quite moi!

And then we did Aqua-French, and that was quite moi as well.

I love being single. It's brilliant.

As professional executives,

it's important we find our extracurricular activity.

Yeah, it's all about the hobby dobby doo.

Hobbying with our new bestfriend Tilly, are we?

Oh, putting "Are we" after a fact

to be passive aggressive, are we?

Strutting like a rabid Smurf, are we?

Got a bit of marzipan on our cheek, have we?

Getting the "Are we" wrong and saying "Have we" instead of

"Are we", are we? I won!

Oh, come here. You have got marzipan, actually.

Are you feeling on the brink?

Maybe a bit brinky, yeah.

We must be brinkless Gary.

Sorry, no brinking.

It's just you were cutely vulnerable.

And you teaching was manly and dominant.

On the brink!

Brinkle, brinkle, Little star

How I wonder what you are.

Miranda, darling. I've had another GHASTLY Christmas newsletter.

And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer.

Stop it. We're British,

sober and no-one's going to prison.

Cheers. This one's from the Lumley-Kendalls.

"Baby Nelson said his first two words, 'good shot'.

"Tarquin is rowing to the Sudan to take them

"pate as part of his Duke of Edinburgh Award.

"And Latoya lost three stone doing charity fun runs

"and marries a Duke in the spring." So smug.

Plus, Mrs Lumely-Kendall thought I was 64.

- You are 64. - I just turned 52.

For a newsletter like that.

All I could say was, "Miranda's a fat temp."

Harsh!

Right, dashing home ASAP.

I've got an appointment with your father to exfoliate his...

- Right, here we go. - That looks delicious!

- Thanks, Gary. - Yum!

'A new report suggests up to

65% of us 'could now be considered obese.'

How do people GET like that?

Don't know!

'This is Michael Jackford for Southern News.'

Was that me?

Was I just at the end of an obesity report?

Shocker! Lat mousse! Which you probably want to scoff!

Obese-Wan Ken-Obiste!

I'm not obese. The camera was just panning away, wasn't it?

Oh yeah, yeah, no. It was moving off. The camera was panning.

That was weird!

YOU! On the telly! Weird!

Of ALL the people to get on the telly.

REALLY weird!

Yes, thank you.

Right, we are, of course, gathere'ed here tonight

to toast ahoy and welcome aboard my hearty -

oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate - to...

my new job.

Your new job.

- Your new job. - Jobulous.

And, of course, we say a bon voyage to the shop, which in...

- Delicious. - Excuse me, what are you doing?

I'm doing a speech.

A sweeps take for when you'll be fired.

I'm going ten past nine.

I START at nine.

Five past nine.

Rude! You forget I am a slick chick.

Isn't it full? Isn't it... isn't it full? Oh, no?

Hello!

I've had relationships with

less physical contact than this.

- Are you holding my hand? - No.

Inappropriately close to someone else's teeth.

Egg breath!

OK, I can do this. Deep breath.

Ooh, my goodness!

Hi, morning. I've just got a very hot leg.

Sorry. I'm from the agency.

Temp, not escort!

Not "Your 9 o'clock's here,

big and busty".

Looking at you but not listening.

Right, this is your area.

Do you hear what I am saying?

Well I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf.

I'll get you a pass and a fob.

Fob?

That's Sue. This is Emma. I'm Emma.

Just one thing, what does the company actually do?

We provide strategic planning and data support and recently

creative new media to blue-chip financial service companies

across Hampshire and the Thames Valley...

The new media boss is coming in this morning?

New boss. Do you hear what I'm saying?

I hear you say that but I don't really know

- what you're saying. - I totally hear what you're saying.

But she only really said "Do you hear what I'm saying?"

It's fine, you know. I'll catch the lingo.

You know, you're just a bit younger.

- So what? What year where you born? - 1991?

That's only just happened!

No, you've got that wrong.

Nice outfit, by the way.

Thanks, dudes. Yup, sure.

Longhurst, Bailey and...

What's the... What's the company?

Longhurst, Bailey... Longhurst...

Longhurst, Bailey and Nn-uhh.

Yes, yes. Certainly. I'll put you through. Just, umm...

Longhurst, Bailey and Uh-oh?

What company?

Sorry, yes, hello, won't keep you long.

Please hold, your call is important to us, please hold.

Do you want to play biscuit blizzard?

All so serious. Where are the larks?

Oh, I miss Stevie and the shop!

The drawing pins have been laid.

It's time for Hopper roulette.

Gladiators, mount your hoppers.

Go!

I'm going to have to pick it up and say a rude word.

Spasm.

Right, listen up.

Sheath.

- Sorry. - New boss.

Right guys, I want to get a feel for how we all tick.

All right? Let's go around the room -

names, hobbies, top strength.

You, top strength, go!

Must have one.

Height!

- You, go. - Susan Perb. Call me Sue.

- Sue Perb? - Yes.

Sue Perb? How is that not funny?

Nothing from anyone.

She's called Sue Perb!

- What? - What?!

Right, OK. That is it,

I cannot work with people who don't find that properly funny.

Have you ever walked past this meeting room

and flashed during an important meeting?

If not, why not?

Youth is for at least the odd lark which is

why I am determined to get my beautiful shop back.

Funny! Fact!

You're taking the shop off the market?

Brilliant! Oh, we should celebrate, as friends, obviously.

- Movie and take away? - Void of brink.

- Tonight, yeah? - Definitely.

Er, what are you doing tonight?

I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's

Meet At Six For Chick Flicks Pic'n'Mix And Bix Fix.

No, I'm going to celebrate trying to get the shop back.

Oh, Stevie, will you come back?

Stevie's an executive now.

- Oh, is Stevie? - Yes, Stevie is.

She manages the retail appointments at a recruitment...

It was just white noise.

Part of a televisual obese campaign?

It was panning.

Right, Christmas is confiscated until you've detoxed

and lost weight for the Lumley-Kendall's

Cashmere-Sweater-Themed- Christingle-Pringle-Mingle.

Your father's made some Michael Buble baubles.

Such fun!

Oh, she wouldn't confiscate Christmas, would she?

I mean, all the food and the pressies and the food

and the music and the food and the food

and the fires and the food and the food.

And the food.

You SHOULD detox, you're obsessed with food.

I am not detoxing. You have to eat things called pearl barley

and you know my rule, I will not eat something that

sounds like a character in Coronation Street.

There's loads of great, healthy things out there.

I could make you a sugar-free beetroot cake.

A sugar-free beetroot cake?

What next? A pea and ham sponge?

I don't know. I'm out of here

cos I've got to make an appointment with a business manager,

do you hear what I am saying?

Tripped! I meant to, I meant to go out like that.

Like a little pony doing dressage.

A five, six, seven, eight.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree...

..At the Christmas party hop

Mistletoe hung where you can see

Every couple tries to stop...

I'm just so bored of the shop accounts.

Right, well listen don't tell your mum but pizza, popcorn,

horror film, anti-romance. Great.

Ooh, yum! Oh, smells good!

Er, you. OK. Thanks.

Sorry. Sorry.

Can you not get popcorn everywhere?

Sorry, the husks travel.

Husks. That's an excellent word, isn't it?

Husks.

Husks.

I don't want to watch but I can't not watch.

It's like Boris Johnson.

Oh no! The electricity bill.

You've got that look on your face. What?

No, I was thinking about the girl in the film, she's quite cute.

Oh, really?

Oh, well. If you like that kind of spindly,

button-nosed kind of you could use her

as a toothpick kind of thing, then, fine,

then track her down, she might be

in Hong Kong, you could marry her.

I knew it! I knew you hadn't forgiven me.

I married Tamara for a green card.

Green card, yeah, yeah.

They're coming to get us!

Put the pizza down. Mum!

Penny. I smell fat people.

I have an appointment with Miranda at 9.

- Yes, that's me. - Good morning.

Good morning. Shall we?

My name is Dick Twist.

Dick Twist! Why not?

I received your application for a loan.

So let's go over your particulars. Cheeky!

Right.

Now, your application is

not what we'd normally expect. For starters,

time at current address -

11.30?

Well, that was the time. Yes, what's your collateral?

Oh, it's really high I'm afraid.

I try and stay off cream.

Yes, I think until you get a manager with

a clear business plan to assess all the... No, wait, Mr Twist.

I do have an idea that will be really profitable

if I can just get my maracas out.

Not that. Yes, I was going to say

I don't think that would be very profitable at all.

Right well, if Zumba is such a craze, yes?

What about Maraca-class?

Yeah?

Look at that. Ooh! A bit saucy!

Arms out, arms - look at that! Let's try it with music.

Oh! Yeah?

I am a one-woman fiesta.

Imagine me with a Brazilian.

Forget I said that.

Any minute now I think you'll think, "Yeah, this is an idea."

Was that Ross Kemp?

They're repossessing the shop.

On Friday. I've defaulted my mortgage payments.

That is the final straw. You are an obese destitute.

It was panning. Obese destitute.

Can't write that in my newsletter, can I?

Now you look here - Mummy will save the shop,

manage the business if you come to Eaters Anonymous.

- Even the notion! - Right. No Christmas.

Fine. I do not want to hang with you and Dad

for two days being subjected to Dad's yearly

one-man performance of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

No-one should have to see his maids-a-milking!

- Darling, what about his five gold rings? - They are worse!

But you could play with your father's present.

I've got him an eye patch.

PAD. IPAD.

Why's it so irritating when they get it wrong?

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,

I really need your help now, it's serious.

You made it very clear your friendship allegiance is with Gary.

I want nothing to do with her, friends forgive each other.

Oh, bear with, bear with.

Bear with, bear with, bear with.

Stinky says there's a woman doing Banzai,

that's bonsai with aggressive bushes. "Hurry...

"..To get a place." Oh, this is it!

This is me!

Oh! Me too, this can be MY thing!

Oh, well, fine. You go off and aggressively trim your bush.

And I've got a new business associate. Introducing...

Penny.

- In your bonsai faces. - Nice!

Tripped. I meant to.

I meant to go out like this.

I am only doing this if you come to Eater's Anonymous.

Yes, Mummy.

It'll be such fun.

You're all very jolly, aren't you, you...people?

Thank you so much for coming back.

Now, may I introduce you to my mother

and business manager, Penny?

- Dick Twist. - I'm sorry?

Dick Twist.

- What's he saying? - That's his name. Dick Twist.

Dick Twist? Dick Twist.

Dick Twist. Dick Twist.

Dick Twist. Dick Twist.

Husk!

Sorry.

I am so sorry about earlier.

As long as you don't get your maracas out again.

Oh, Miranda! I am so sorry.

No-one needs to see the mirudders as we call them.

They move independently,

she has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye.

Right. Do you now have a business model

so I can consider this loan?

I certainly am a model - Miss Goadalming, 1968.

Gave it up to have children. So, that was worthwhile.

Can you project for me profit and loss?

Profit and l-o-o-o-o-ss!

She's as incompetent as you are.

Wait, please, Mr Twist, what are my options?

Well, have you considered getting a partner?

Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick,

if you pardon the vernacular.

She couldn't attract a partner

if you shoved a giant magnet down her blouse

and sat her next to a man made of iron filings!

Well, unless you find a manager with a coherent business plan

within the next 36 hours, the bailiffs will repossess.

Oh, no! Mummy! Oh, heavens. You're going to get repossessed!

You'd be a disaster in prison and by that I mean very popular.

I know, we'll advertise on the interweb for a new manager.

We've just got time before Eater's Anonymous.

What's this?

Chat With Lonely Oil Rig Workers.

That's just spam.

Hi. Just a couple of notices pre the weighing.

Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on.

Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy.

I know that because I once weighed them

to see how much they cost to post.

Just step on, please.

Also, could we factor in that at least 10% will be wind?

Make that 7.5%.

7%. Caught me unawares.

- Get on. - Yes.

I could be a jockey.

Only if you had a massive horse.

Gather. Gather, please, that's it. Gather, please.

Now, today, I want to focus on a scenario to help you through

this difficult Christmas period.

So...

which section to the left or right looks the most delicious?

To the left.

No, try again. To the left.

To the left, to the left... * Beyonce.

You must not know 'bout me

You must not know 'bout me...

Sorry. I think we're always going to say

To the left, to the left.

Tell you for why, it's got pies on it.

High five me, man-boobs. Bam!

So, now it's time for one of my mantras.

If you ever feel like a cake,

stop yourself,

have a carrot.

Are you out of your tiny mind?

- Sorry, still a bit Beyonce! - Pipe down!

Look I am just trying to help you help yourself.

- Say what? - Help yourself.

Thank you very much.

No, not to the buffet, sit down!

It's like Jurassic Park in leggings! Get back!

Stevie! What are you doing here?

Running away from Mum. You?

Running away from Tilly.

Aw, missed you.

Listen, I've advertised for a new shop manager.

Are you really happy in your job? Yes.

Because it's so important to be in fun dynamic work

with colleagues who are tall, beautiful, hilair,

bit model-like, who could I be talking about? Me.

- Miranda! - Stevie!

- We need partners for Banzai! - Fetch the fatty!

- Oh, you look ridiculous. - I have to hold them when running.

Quick!

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we hold hands

We know that there's

Always tomorrow

Lean on me

When you're not strong

I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on...

That's so my thing! I've found my activity,

- wasn't that me? - It was so you, maybe it's me.

Somebody to lean on.

So not you. So not me.

Stevie, I can see the reporter.

I'm going to... Right.

Lean on me...

Mr News Reporter? Sorry to bother you.

I've got a really important question about your obesity report.

You see, I was in it at the end.

Does that mean that I was part of it? Oh, poor you.

No, no, we wouldn't do that. No, we were panning across.

No, I mean you're...you're lovely.

Oh, gosh. Really? Thanks.

Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really?

Stop it. Really? Stop it. Really?

Stop it. Lovely? Really?

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stevie! It was panning, I'm not obese!

She's not obese

It was panning.

No, Stevie hasn't replied. Well, at least we're friends,

I'm meeting her for a coffee after this.

We have one applicant. Patricia Nelson and her CV says

"I am the one and only, no other I'd rather be."

Good luck.

Good morning. I'm Patricia Nelson. I have an interview at 10.

Good morning, Patricia Nelson?

Patricia Nelson, good morning.

Good morning, Patricia Nelson.

- Do take a seat, please. - Kind regards.

So, Patricia Nelson.

Patricia Nelson, thank you.

Thank you and kind regards.

Well, I just have one key question really, for you,

Patricia Nelson,

what two main skills do you think I'm looking for,

please, thank you, to you, please?

Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool

without injuring myself.

And, B, I do a surprisingly effective Heather Small impression.

Most excellent. Well, Patricia Nelson

I'm so sorry to cut this so short

but I'm actually meeting a friend for a coffee.

- Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also. - Isn't that weird?

Yes. I look forward to hearing from you. Kind regards.

Kind regards and best wishes hence forward to you.

Oh, hi, Stevie.

Oh, hi. Hi there. So what's new?

Oh, I've just come from a job interview.

Have you? How did that go?

Well, she seemed all right.

It was a she interviewing although

hard to tell initially. Big hands.

How goes it with you?

I'm actually interviewing for the new shop manager.

Oh! Yeah, just saw a tiny woman.

Thought she was coming round for her Brownie badge.

Well, I think my interviewer might have been wearing

an elasticated maternity jean.

I would have thought that very unlikely.

They're SO comfortable.

Well, will you just excuse me, actually,

cos I've just got to ring my

Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewee, so...

Isn't that weird? Do excuse me. Yes, of course.

- Hello? - Hello, is that Patricia Nelson?

Patricia Nelson speaking.

Hello, Patricia Nelson, just to say you've got the job.

Miranda...

It was me!

Well, yes, I know!

Well, when did you guess?

The minute you came in, you idiot!

Right, come on. Let's get our shop back.

You've got to ring and make an appointment

with Dick Twist immediately. Go!

Sounds exciting.

Yes. And, listen, you were right, OK?

I hadn't forgiven you, so here is me letting go.

- I'm sorry. - And I'm sorry that

- I never said. - No, it's OK. Friends?

We've got Dick Twist's last appointment!

Emergency walk.

Long way up, short way down. Go.

I think it's time.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Got our shop back.

Step to the left.

Step to the right.

Superb, Sue Perb.

And twist.

Twist, Dick. Dick, twist.

Funny!

Now, let's celebrate good times, come on!

Do listen to the end of my newsletter.

"And, finally to Miranda,

"Who has resurrected a boutique in difficult economic times.

"She is the creator of the latest fitness craze

"And the dashing news reporter said she was lovely, not obese."

- Happy Christmas! - Happy Christmas!

So will government provision help these geriatric,

frail unfortunates at the end of their lives

to keep warm this winter?

This is Michael Jackford with the elderly and infirm.

It was panning!

She's not old It was panning!

Lean on me, when you're not strong

Happy Christmas!

I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long

Til I'm going to need

Somebody to lean on

Just call

We all We all need

Somebody to lean on...

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