Original subtitles

Well, hello you.

# Just the two of us... #

If you're watching with other family members, ignore them. It's me and you. Saucy!

So, previously in my life,

I met Tilly's fiance Rupert Farley-Pointless or something.

- And this is Rupert. - Oh, please, call me the Bear.

HE GROWLS

Ooh!

SHE MOUTHS

He's on army leave so their wedding plans are a go-go

which means Mum is even more desperate to find me a man

and has taken to literally trawling the countryside.

Hello, young man, do get in.

- Where are you off to? - I'm going to see my girlfriend...

What else? Oh, yes, Stevie took our karaoke night to a new level.

# BOTH: Try to look as if you don't care less

# But if you want to see some more... #

- Stevie! I didn't know that was going to happen. - Carry on!

But I haven't got the little skirt!

# And then you can show that you think you know... #

Let's speak no more of, and crack on with the show.

Ooh, new breakfast menu.

I think I'll have the antioxidant mixed berry compote.

Yes, me too...

and bacon, egg, sausage, beans, French toast, hash browns...

muffin, tea and two sugars.

Lovely. I love that you're now doing breakfast.

- I prefer to call it "brunch". - I couldn't be more sorry.

But, I mean, combining two meals, really, it's insanity personified.

- What next, linner? - Or lupper.

- Funnier, lupper. - Do you think they know they're in love?

No.

- Is it time? - It's time.

THEY LAUGH

MOCKING LAUGHTER

- Right, listen up. - We're staging an intervention. - And sending you on a date.

- BOTH: What?! - Tonight. As they say,

"Strike while the iron's hot". And, as I say, "Iron while the iron's hot" too.

I have vouchers for a romantic restaurant.

Just go and work out if something's going to happen.

- We're just friends. - Right.

Sorry, guys. Nice try.

What are you doing?!

It's been going great with him, just mates.

Denial. You're not that good an actress.

I think you'll find I'm an excellent actress.

SHE MOUTHS

- You're besotted. - Shh. - She is totally in love...

Did I mention the restaurant was Wilson's?

Wilson's? Clive, you know I'm desperate to try the food there.

We could give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, nudity and death.

But that was just bad luck involving a rogue creme brulee torch.

It's VERY unlikely to happen twice.

- Let's go for it. - OK, you're on.

I'll go give them a call.

I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.

When Gary walks in in chef's gear, you practically fall off the stool.

Oh, I do not.

I'll book a table for eight, is that OK?

Yeah, although I thought it would just be the two of us.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

So tomorrow night, Miranda and Stevie's okey-dokey no space for blokeys karaoke.

Still happy to have it at yours?

- Of course. Now, have you chosen your song? - The theme...

- Songs to reflect your personality. My theme. - Good theme.

- Thank you, caller. - Pleasure, sir.

But tricky theme for me because there are so many key aspects of my personality.

So I think I'll just sum them all up and do Simply The Best. I love Tina.

- Next week I might do Nutbush City Limits. - SHE LAUGHS

There is nothing funny about Nutbush.

That's where you're wrong, my shrunken elf of a friend.

Excuse me, Nutbush.

HE LAUGHS

You see?

- What's your song? - Easy...

# I may not be a lady... #

But from a distance, I can pass as one.

Get out! I think you'll find I am all woman.

Monday to Sunday - inclusive.

Oi! And weekends are doubly good.

That's not in the song, that's a little bit of information about me.

What are you doing throwing out men?

Beggars can't be choosers.

Actually you could consider a beggar.

Obviously there's the smell, but THEY'LL get used to it.

Such fun!

Sorry, darling. I don't want to be one of those HELLISH mothers...

..but if you don't find a date for Tilly's wedding, consider emigration.

Belinda is being a nightmare mother of the bride. So smug.

I thought Belinda was your best friend.

She is, but I dislike her intensely.

- Is it too early for a drink? - It's 10.30.

12.00, did you say?

- Hello, whisky. And I'm playing, what I call, tennis... - It is tennis,

I don't know what else you'd call it.

..with Belinda tomorrow and she's bound to give me some ghastly wedding task to make me feel better.

Hi-de-ho, peeps.

Fake smiles, fake smiles.

Tilly, Rupert.

Oh, please, call me the Bear.

- I do love that. - Queen Kong. You know two months today, Poopert and I shall become uno.

- Right, well, I'm dashing. - Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny.

Mummy and I have sensed un petit peu de jealous-bags,

but we would love you to do the flowers for the wedding.

Bouquet-dokey?

Isn't that lovely?

Skinny thank you-cino to your ma, eh?

He stands too close.

Muchisimus gracias, Pen-Pen.

- You would not believe the wedmin. - Wedmin?

Wedding administration. Keep up. You're actually really lucky

you're probably never going to have to organise a wedding for Miranda.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Well, this has all been delightful.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

So Queen KONGO-leeza Rice...

That's very... Did you see what she...?

Merci, merci, c'est fini!

Wedmin-planning lunch-eonie on tomorrow at one.

Ah, fabulosomos omisamos.

We'll have some serious fun bags.

It's not the best breath.

Poopert, Poopert, it's not fun bags, it's wedmin focus, OK?

I'll see you tomozza-pam.

Bye, girls. Up and at 'em.

Up and at 'em... Bang, bang. Do you see? They're guns?

I was shooting you.

Please, tell me you noticed it then. Rupert was coming on to me.

He wasn't. He's just tactile.

And if he was coming on to anyone he would be coming on to me, because I have the allure.

I have allure.

You're not allure-abundant.

Well, maybe my allure began abounding.

No, because my high level of the allure means I'd be attuned to any shifts in the allurosphere.

- The allurosphere? - Not my word - science's.

Now, if you want the allure for your hot date tonight, I'd get ready.

- It's 10.30. - It could take that long.

Rude! I am feeling shifts in the allurosphere already. Oh, yes.

SHE LAUGHS FORCEDLY

You look lovely, by the way.

Oh, thank you. You too.

Velour menus.

You know somewhere's smart when the menu is wearing a smoking jacket.

Yeah.

BOTH: So do you...

- Oh, sorry. - Oh, sorry. You go.

No, you first.

Oh, my gosh, look at us. This is ridiculous.

Put us in a romantic setting and we can barely speak to each other.

I know.

- I know what we should do. - OK, let's just go.

We should sleep together.

- Sorry? - We should sleep together.

Shall I explain?

Yes, please, thank you, please, thank you so to you.

Well, I think maybe Stevie and Clive are right.

There could be an "us", that we've never...

- Do you? - Yes. I've always thought...

- Something... - Yes. - And you know what they say,

if you have a friend you've fancied in the past, but never kissed,

after a while you're too good friends, it's kind of awkward

and embarrassing. That's us.

We need to break that awkwardness.

Anyway, that's my theory.

It is an EXCELLENT theory.

He could have given me any theory, to be honest.

I should say obviously, I don't usually leap in to bed...

Me too. I mean, I've had some fun in the past. As I'm sure you have...

Loads. Well, some, I mean, the odd spot of...

Predominantly other kinds of fun, to be honest.

'There's no easy way to tell you this.

'Kelly's pregnant and it's mine.'

SHE PLAYS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME

Get in!

Let's not dwell.

Sure. If this is our moment,

I don't want to regret not doing anything about it.

- Really? - Really.

Well, me neither.

Gary, are we finally...

I know.

How long has it taken us?

Oh, my God, there's woman on fire!

I think it was a flambe.

I'm so sorry, I thought you were on fire.

- Shall we leave? - Yes, can we? Quick.

Sorry.

Well, it wasn't Wilson's, but, you know what, sometimes you can't go wrong with a burger.

You can NEVER go wrong with a burger.

I mean, those are the best burgers... apart from yours.

- Good save. - Thank you.

- So... - So...

- Shall we put some music on? - Good idea.

I'll do a shuffle.

Shuffle to the shuffle.

Bit nervous.

FLAMENCO MUSIC STARTS

Ooh.

MUSIC: "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

Of all songs...

- Hello. - Hi.

I might just turn the lighting down...better lighting.

Sure, sure.

- Is that OK? - It's a BIT dark.

Shame.

OK.

Sorry.

Sorry.

HE BURPS

Gary, did you just burp?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I've got indigestion.

Don't worry. I've got some Gaviscon if you want.

HE BURPS

Gary! Do you want some Wind-eze as well?

I swear by Wind-eze.

If in doubt, pop a Wind-eze.

- It's fun to say as well, Wind-eze. Wind-eze! - Can you stop saying Wind-eze?

Sorry.

I think I've got aniseedy breath now.

No, you're fine.

Sorry, just thought of the word Wind-eze. Sorry.

- I can taste aniseed. - I can smell it now.

- OK, OK, this is now a little bit over-planned. - A bit sort of clinical.

- Can we do this again when I'm a little bit less... - Burpy.

Yes. I think it might be a bit more romantic when we're spontaneous.

Sure. Yes.

- Night. - Night.

- Sorry. - No, no. It's fine.

- Night. - Night.

# I feel pretty, oh, so pretty

# I feel pretty and witty and gay... #

Although not gay, because I'm going to get it on with Gary, who's a man.

# And I'm all woman Monday to Sunday... #

Ooh, it's a mash up.

I'm so excited. I don't know what to do.

Oh, hi. So, tell all, tell all. What happened?

Nothing. Just a nice meal with a friend. That's all.

That's SO disappointing.

You SEEM different.

Do I?!

I won't tell her.

Are you sure nothing happened?

My lips are sealed, my face is a mask.

Nothing happened at the restaurant, but then we went back to my flat to have sex. Well...

We didn't last night, but we're going to.

BOTH: Oh-h-h!

And are you OK with this?

Yeah. I'm feeling...sexual. And spontaneous.

- Oh, you. Spontaneous! - I know. Look at me. - Oh, you've gone a little bit camp.

Oh, yes. Thank you. Now, we're not telling anyone so mum's the word.

Cooee!

BOTH: Mum's the word, funny.

I have just whipped Belinda's big fat arse off the tennis court.

Whoompf! So satisfying.

Now, darling, your plus one for the wedding, I saw Benjy at the club.

- He is still available. - And still my cousin.

And still, what I call, mental.

I'm the most beautiful squirrel of them all!

- I'm not dating Benjy so Belinda gets off your back. - Well, she is insufferable.

And now I've got to go and look at flower samples. Such fun(!)

Right, I'm off to the restaurant.

- Aah. - Febreze me up. - Yes, certainly.

See you later.

- Camp! - Thank you.

Hi.

- Hi, you OK? - Yeah.

Good, because I was going to take this afternoon off if you still want to be...spontaneous.

- I do. - Great.

Ooh, no, Tilly wedding lunch. Wish me luck.

OK, well, I'll see you after, OK?

- Hola. - Buon giorno.

So Queen Kong, I've been a little bit naughty and I've done some matchmaking behind your back.

So tell me, who would you best like to sit next to at our wedding?

- Well, as long it's not... - Dreamboat Charlie. - Dreamboat Charlie!

Although now it's Ping Pong Charlie.

Funny story. Bangkok, a pole dancer, a ping pong ball, I had one too many sherbets...

OK, I'm fine not to know this.

- I have only two words for you. - Could be two words too many.

Live rutting.

- Charmed to see you again. What? - What? - What?

Still tall. I like that in a woman - consistency.

Right, wedmin. Asseyez-vous, tout le monde, asseyez-vous. Sit down.

Muchos to discussionae.

Ooh, yes, please. Crisps.

I bloody love crisps.

Shall I give you one, Miranda?

I'm fine thank you, no, I'm...

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, bear with. It's Stinky about the pony. Hello, Stinky...

Excuse me for one minutos.

Clive, help me... No, just kill me, kill me now.

So...you all right?

Charlie not too in your face, is he?

I can totally see why he's into you.

- Rupert, I'm getting the feeling that... - Kongers...

You OK?

Yes, this is my excited wedmin face.

Looked like you were having a mo-mo avec mon fiance.

Well, he is Cheddar Gorge.

He is King Gorge VI.

- Come hither. - Not in public.

OK, come on. Next up, mail out.

Kongers, I need you to go to the printers this afternoon to pick up the invites

- and do the mail out tonight from your house. - MOBILE BEEPS

Now what?! Bear with...

Bear with...

Bear with...

NO!

Mummy says Daddy says we can't have the ice sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

- I better go talk to mater. Come on, Rupert, quick. - I'm going to the little boys' room.

Never has that saying been more apt.

So...till tonight.

- TILLY: - Rupert!

Did you see that?! I told you he was totally coming on to me.

This is awful. Should I tell Tilly?

You can't break them up without serious proof.

Yes. Set a honey trap. Get him alone and if he makes a pass at you then maybe you just have to tell her.

Oh, gosh, the pitfalls of being abundant au allure.

I can't believe he bypassed MY allure.

Well, deal with it, girlfriend. Oh, yeah.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

Right, now, I've got to go to the printers to pick up the invites.

Do you mind... Actually, don't worry. Gary, will you give me a hand?

No probs. Let's do it. Shall we go through the park?

I'm being attacked by bog roll.

Help, somebody.

- Big fat soz. - It's fine. Oh, it's on me now.

I hate this.

Can I kiss you?

Ooh!

What?

So...we can manage at the print shop.

Then we might do something spontaneous.

Great idea. What shall we do?

- Where's Stevie? - Had to go.

So nice to be out of the kitchen.

- Shall we sit down for a bit? - Sure.

So this would be spontaneous. We could...

What al dente?

No, that's pasta.

Al fresco.

Yeah, al fresco.

Come on.

BUZZING

Oh, sorry.

- You all right? - Yeah. No, actually there's a bee in my hair. Gary, there's a bee in my hair!

Get it off.

- Where is it? - You'll make it angry.

Worked out rather well.

Oh, now, Tilly, this is the colour I was talking about.

I might just ring Miranda and check there's not a clash with the invitational ribbon.

MOBILE RINGS

BOTH: Hello.

- What are you doing? - We're just looking for...

Animals.

Yup, we're just looking for some animals.

Because apparently some animals have escaped from the local circus.

- What animals? - Tigers. - Dragons.

Apparently there's some tigers crouching in the shrubbery.

And the dragons tend to be hidden.

So you're looking for a crouching tiger

and a hidden dragon.

- Good, so that's explained that then. - Yeah.

So you haven't been to the printers yet?!

Oh, my actual and literal golly goodness. Do you want to ruin my nuptials? Allez-vous en! Go!

Penelope, come.

- I knew we shouldn't have done spontaneous. - I know, listen...

I'll go to the print shop, you go back to your flat and we'll be spontaneous around, say, 5pm.

- Precisely 5pm. - Thank you.

See you later.

OK, right. Time for a quick bath because, I won't lie,

but I perspired a little during the bee debacle.

I've gone camp with excitement.

# I've fallen in love... #

I love a bath, don't you? I'm just gearing up

to causing the searing pain of wax removal.

Right...

Oh, no, I'm stuck.

I've left the wax on too long. It's stuck to the bath.

# I want to break free... #

That's not funny, Freddie!

Stevie! Stevie!

- Miranda? What is it? - The wax stuck my leg to the bath.

SHE LAUGHS

It is not funny. Pull me off, as it very much were.

- GARY: - Hello?

Oh, no. He's early.

- We're in the bathroom! - Don't say you're in here. - Everything OK?

She's had a bit of an accident!

That sounds wrong.

I think it's loosening a bit!

Everything you say makes this sound terrible!

I'm going to leave Tilly's invitations on the table.

Ooh!

- Get out! Get out! - Ooh, I felt a breast.

THEY SCREAM

Hello.

Listen, this isn't working.

It's too much pressure and things keep going wrong. I wish you hadn't suggested it.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to put pressure on you.

No, you didn't.

Can we just leave it?

Miranda, your bath water is really dirty.

OK, I'm sorry, but...

I bet I missed my moment for good with Gary and now and I've got to stuff 400 envelopes.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTING

- They're here. Oh, the trap! - OK, so get him alone.

And if he really tries it on, make sure Tilly catches him in a compromising position.

- How? - He may not, but...

- Well, with my allure... - Get a grip.

- Tell me how. - Just let me think.

- How? - Just let me think. - How?

- Just let me think. - How? - Just let me think. - How?

BOTH: How!

Goody gum drops! The invites.

I'm starving, shall we get a pizza?

Tremendulent idea. I'll have pepperoni with extra chilli-chilli bang-bang.

Why don't WE go and Miranda and Rupert stay here?

- Come on, Tilly. - No.

We'll be exactly ten minutes, Miranda.

Alone at last.

OK, so shall we watch some telly?

No. There's something else I'd much rather do.

Ooh! Would you like to, um...

play cards...or...charades

or make some...placards.

You've been driving me crazy.

Sometimes a man needs a meat feast rather than a lean chicken salad, if you catch my drift.

OK, um, what about in nine and a half minutes?

Don't begrudge a man a final surge over the enemy lines.

Help.

I've got to put him off till they get back.

Boggle!

Let's play Boggle. Boggle always gets me in the mood.

It's a good word, Boggle, isn't it?

Wind-eze!

No, Miranda, I'd much rather...

Forget the Boggle!

OK, let me just freshen up then, OK?

Bear with... Bear with...

SHE SCREAMS

OK, stay there. I'll just be one minute.

This is awful. Poor Tilly.

Where are they? They only left...

Evening, top totty.

Lt Charles Wynford Vyvyan St Wedges reporting for bedroom duty, what?

- What?! - What? Is it too much?

A bucketful of soz.

Your mum told me where you lived and lent me the ladder.

Now, if I remember rightly, that is your bedroom...

for la pumpy de rumpy.

No, not there, why don't you wait in the bathroom?

Okey-dokey. And then some pokey.

Ugh, what is going on?!

Ta-da!

I'll be one minute.

Oh, my goodness. Right.

Gather. Tell Charlie to go.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my goodness. OK.

This is turning into a French farce.

Eight and a half minutes, it's only been...

Surprise. I know you said

we should chill, but I've been getting more

and more desperate to kiss you,

so this is a no-pressure surprise visit, I'll go with whatever you want.

That's so sweet.

Are you wearing a dressing gown?

Surprised myself too. I walked here like this.

Sexy?!

Gary, look, I can't do this now, not because I don't want to...

Oh, well...

- STEVIE: - You don't need to come in, Penny. I can pass the message on.

PENNY: Well, I'm here now.

- I'll go in the bedroom. - No. - That's ten minutes, Miranda! - Bathroom.

- No, not in the bathroom. Fridge? - I can't fit in there.

BOTH: How!

Mirandy... Hello.

I must have you. Ooh!

Go, Miranda!

Scramble!

Waitress in Greece, army nurse in Kent,

chef on the Isle of Wight ferry, and now Queen Farticus?!

Oh, yeah!

BOTH: Get out!

Listen, I can explain, but I'd better talk to Tilly.

Yeah, sure, no worries.

And don't worry about us.

If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

It better!

Don't worry, Tilly, it's fun being single.

Tonight is Miranda and Stevie's okey-dokey no place for blokeys karaoke.

SHE WAILS

Well, that's quite rude.

# So take a look at me now

# There's just an empty space

# And there's nothing left here to remind me

# Just the memory of your face... #

# Now, there was a time

# When they used to say

# That behind every great man

# There had to be a great woman

# Sisters are doing it for themselves

# Standing on their own two feet

# And ringing on their own bells

# Sisters are doing it for themselves

# Standing on their own two feet

# Sisters are doing it for themselves... #

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