Original subtitles

Mr. Kapoor, hello, good morning, sir.

Yes, hey,

I've got the Garden City proposal laid out

right here in front of me, and, sir,

it is more than just an investment.

Uh, what?

Of course, I'm at the office.

No, yeah, you know what?

I'm sorry, it just got really loud in here.

Uh, I will, uh, I'll call you back tomorrow.

I apologize, thank you.

Amen and amen, take your seats.

Before we dismiss, I have a few announcements

for you, church family, first, parking violations.

Take off your visor.

- And your cleats. - Why?

So I can smack you with them.

...and an appointment with Jesus

when I sweat through my Dockers.

Don't worry, we'll give you a spray bottle

- and some sunscreen. - What was the sermon

about today?

Forgiveness, here, you can practice.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

And I cannot endorse this announcement enough,

Family Camp at Lake Katokwah is the highlight of our year.

You ask our family,

it's the greatest place on earth.

So, they've literally never been to Disney?

I'm sorry I was late.

- Again. - Okay.

Well, what do I gotta do to make it up to you?

Zip lines, the whole nine.

There's lots of things to do.

How about we go to that camp?

- Church camp? - Yes.

How about we go someplace that has air conditioning?

Just look at those cabins, ice cold air conditioning.

Can I get an amen?

Amen.

Still, Henry would hate it and Hannah's too old.

It doesn't matter how old your kids are.

- Huh. - Our daughter's 19

and she is more pumped

for camp this year than ever, right, sweetie?

- Woo-woo! - Woo-woo, sugar bear.

Woo-woo.

Okay, well,

it's just the weird families who go to camp.

I know, you might think we're a little weird.

Come on!

But if you can honestly say there's nothing more important

than investing in your family, then show up.

That might look a little weird to the world.

So camp sign ups starts today.

Let's get out there and have some fun this summer.

Okay, families?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on, hey!

Hey, you weren't serious about that whole,

uh, Family Camp thing, right?

I mean, church camp is just so Jesus-y.

Says the man standing in a church.

Yeah, this is where Jesus belongs,

not camping in a tent with me.

Oh, gosh, Tommy.

Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace, wait, listen.

If I seal this next deal, I'm a shoo-in for partner,

and then I'll take you wherever you want to go,

Hawaii, Paris?

Come on, people, I need a nap and a buffet, chop chop.

Aw, so no bingo today, Grandpa?

Tommy, I don't want a vacation. I want my husband back.

What are you talking about?

We barely get to see you, and when we do,

you're not present, you've...

you've got a phone in front of your face

- or you're talking about golf. - Golf closes deals.

No deals, no meals.

Did you just come up with that yourself?

- Uh... - Don't answer that.

Listen, I really appreciate all that you do

to provide for our family.

But I'm getting really tired

of surviving on your emotional leftovers.

Okay, okay.

I'll fix it.

Okay, well, why don't you start

by taking your little clickety clacketies

and marching right back in there and signing us up

for Family Camp?

- What? - You're so cute.

- Oh. - No, no, seriously, listen.

I love you, but, babe, let's get one thing straight.

There's absolutely no way that I am ever going to...

Teenage girl found here in her natural habitat,

performing one of many...

...fruitless grooming rituals.

Hey, Dad, can you please

tell Henry to stop filming me?

Henry, stop filming your sister, it's creepy.

Don't call him creepy, he's my budding little artist.

Cut it out, Henry.

He's calling him creepy because it's creepy, Mom.

What's creepy is your selfie phase.

Okay, idiot, let's go.

Hey, don't call your kid an idiot.

No, no, no,

it's that Dale Earnhardt Jr. Here trying to pass us.

Hmm?

I think that's gonna hit us.

Oh!

Get that spit stick off of me!

Uh!

Tommy!

At last, you little...

That feel good? You had to do that, right?

- Yeah. - Mom,

Henry got his nasty candy all over my face.

It matches your makeup job perfectly.

I just want to eat my pistachios in peace, please.

...that I'm wearing a seat belt right now.

- Oh, yeah. - Guys, hush, come on.

No talking.

You're the annoying one!

Hey, you knock it off!

Here we are, guys, Camp Katokwah.

- Dad, I'm sorry. - For what, bud?

I think I'm car sick.

Oh, Henry, oh!

Come on, guys.

Hey, family, welcome to camp, last name?

- We're the Ackermans with an A. - Ackermans.

I don't seem to have an Ackerman here on the list.

You made the final payment online, right?

Hmm?

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Listen, it happens all the time.

The good news is, we have yet to turn a family away.

- Yeah? - So don't worry.

But we're out of cabins, imagine that.

- Oh, I'm imagining that. - Ow.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna give you one word

and you're gonna tell me the very first thing

that you think of.

- Yurt. - No.

We'll take it.

Actually, let's go for round two here, guys.

- Buckle up, everybody. - Three words, sharing a yurt.

- Huh? - With another family.

Oh, that makes it better.

How? How does it make it better?

It's fine, it's fine, it's... it's fine, it's fine.

I'm telling you guys, you're gonna love this.

All right, looks like we're here.

You guys, it's beautiful.

Yeah, it's a luxury resort for possums.

Guys, this is glamping.

Honey, I've always wanted to go glamping.

Great, let's go home. I'll throw the Tempur-Pedic in the backyard

and you can glamp all you want.

I second that.

Wait, this is pretty cool.

Last one in sleeps on the floor.

- Whoa! - Whoa.

Touch me again and you'll lose a finger.

- Okay. - Good thing

- I've got nine more. - Where do I start?

Hey. Hello?

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Start the car while you grab the kids?

No, um, I need you to be here with me.

I'm... I'm literally standing in front of you.

Okay, I mean, the texting, the sneaking away

so you can talk to your clients. I need you to be present.

I mean, the whole reason that we're doing this

is so that we can have time together as a family.

Hannah is 16 and... and Henry shot up

like a foot this spring,

and I have no idea how any of this happened.

Hey, hey, look at me.

I'm here, okay?

Uh, my choice would have been Maui.

But look at me, wherever you are,

that's my paradise.

Oh.

I promise, I am 100%...

"Blessed?"

I am so happy to hear you say that.

Okay, kiddos, ten hut!

That shoulder blade's healing nicely, Barb.

Get in here, son, let me see here.

Bingo, bango, bongo.

Hear that, lumbar is popping like a champ.

- Now where's my yummy bride? - Here I come, Papi.

Oh, honey, the kids.

How do you think they got here?

- Hmm? - Oh!

Hi, hello, yurt family, I'm Grace...

Stop, not another word.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, wow. That is...

Like the way God meant it to be?

You're welcome.

Hey, you must be the man of the house.

Tommy, I see you've met... met my wife.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Come on, I'm a hugger. - Oh, my, hi, oh, wow.

Ah.

Hi.

- Uh. - They'll warm up.

Okay.

You are gonna wanna hot compress this and massage

this a little later.

Might I say, professionally speaking,

of course, your wife has a lovely neck...

- Oh. - ...goose-like.

You don't get your hands on a neck like that every day.

Now, would you look at that beautiful yurt?

- Oh, yes, yes... - Oh.

...and at half the price of the cabins.

Dave Ramsey would be so proud of us.

- Uh, here's my card. - Hmm?

"Intergalactic Chiropractic?"

Oh, oh, honey.

My services are free all week for my camp families.

Thank you.

Let me grab these bags for you.

Thank you, thank you so much, Eddie.

You can call me Dr. Eddie.

Right.

Guess I'll get ours all by myself, then.

- Dear God. - Thank you, Dr. Eddie.

Please, no.

I know it's there somewhere.

You know, I can't tell you

how wonderful it is to have another family here

who loves the full outdoor experience,

- you know? - Oh, yeah,

yeah, I mean, we can't get enough of it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Um, I feel like we should maybe...

It's good, it's good, just let him.

Look at this guy, he's here ten minutes

and he already needs a shower.

Um, honey, you're gonna be sleeping over there.

What, why not by you?

Oh, hey, uh, we separated the yurt by gender.

Yeah, no offense, but we just met you guys,

so, uh, instead of doing

background checks, we will just keep things kosher.

Mm...

- Honey, can we talk a second? - Yeah.

What? No Wi-Fi.

I can't wait until you realize

- there's no air conditioning. - What?

I thought you wanted us to be all together,

- like a family. - We are together.

Come on, it's more campy this way.

It smells like old cedar.

It smells like an old gerbil cage.

- We're changing yurts right now. - Tommy.

Well, land of Goshen, that was fun, kids.

Bring it in for a big spiritual hug.

Hey, uh, how about we invite you guys

to a little Sanders family tradition?

Every year, we like to offer up a humble hymn of praise

to the Lord and consecrate the yurt as holy ground.

- What do you say? - You know, we'd love to,

but we're gonna have to make a change.

I...

Change of key, I can't sing in A major.

Perfect pitch, I see.

My friend, that makes two of us.

Honey, let's wait a while.

We're still getting settled, you know?

- You mind holding down the alto? - You got the melody?

Oh, and a one and a two and a three.

Kids? Come here.

Yeah!

- Good yell, buddy, that was fun. - That was something.

You're welcome.

Ooh, it's all about the sauce, you want some?

- Uh, no, thanks. - Oh...

you guys eat really healthy.

Oh, yeah, we do the WWJE diet

- every year at camp. - Oh.

It's really easy, you just look at your food and go,

"Would Jesus really eat this?"

I talked them into a discount rate

if we promise not to eat meat.

Well, I'll eat yours then, okay?

It's your funeral, bucko.

Okay.

Let's go sit at that table with our new friends.

Kapoor Capital, how may I direct your call?

Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Tommy Ackerman,

calling for Mr. Kapoor.

Hi, Mr. Ackerman. I'm sorry, right now he's in a meeting

with Tommy Ackerman.

Uh, that's impossible, I'm Tommy Ackerman.

No, I'm pretty sure you're not.

Okay, hang on a second. This Tommy Ackerman, is he, uh,

tall, dark hair, above average in the handsome department?

No, he's, like, way above average

in the bald department.

Bramberger.

You always bring your cell phone to the dinner table?

Hello, are you there?

- Wait for daddy, okay? - Henry, Henry, don't eat yet.

But I'm starving.

- Uh... - Mommy,

- can you cut my carrots? - Sure, sweetie.

Tommy, you mind saying blessing for us?

Tommy,

- Tommy, are you choking? - All right, doctor ready...

- Tommy, Tommy! - ...to the hizz-ouse.

Here we go, all right, now stand upward, please.

This is gonna hurt.

Uno, dos, tres.

- Uh! - No, all right,

elbows on the table.

- Here we go. - Whoa.

Friends, this is why we have chiropractors.

Brace for impact...

...one, two, three!

- Oh! - Still nada,

here we go, up we go.

Chin up, beautiful.

Full hand.

Ew.

Eddie!

Oh.

Just doing my good Lord's work.

Thank you, thank you.

I just love how food brings people together.

Dr. Eddie! Dr. Eddie!

Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!

Honey, you've got to take smaller bites.

Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!

- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie! - It's him, not me, it's him.

Okay, a little bit me,

but mostly him!

- Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie! - Thank you, thank you.

Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie, Dr. Eddie!

Come on, come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Tommy Ackerman. - Bramberger.

Mr. Kapoor says hello, by the way.

Look, I don't know what you're scheming,

but Kapoor's my client

and you're gonna leave him alone.

Ah, you mean he was your client.

Reception's terrible, where you at, anyway?

It's none of your business

- where I'm at... - Where you at? Where you at?

Family Camp, it's a church thing.

Hang on a second, did you just say church camp?

All right, don't get your hopes up, Lucifer.

They don't let in greedy little Hamburglars

who freeload off their grandma.

Whatever, Gammy likes it.

Yeah, listen up, I'm gonna have the Garden City deal wrapped up

with Kapoor long before you get back, and when I do,

I'm not just gonna have your commission in my pocket.

- Bramberger. - I'm gonna have

your promotion too, so, uh...

- Bramberger. - So bye. Uh, click.

Bramberger!

Church camp.

- Hey, we missed you at dinner. - Oh, I wasn't hungry.

Sons and daughters of the most high,

welcome to the ceremony of light.

Carriers of the light, come forth.

Look, there they are.

This feeling kind of cultish to you?

Stop it.

Carriers, receive your light.

These three torches represent the Father,

the Son, and the Holy Spirit, the eternal light

that shines deep within the followers of Jesus Christ.

Families, do you know what happens

when you shine that light deep into the darkness?

The darkness cannot overcome it.

Moms and dads, I know you get it.

To you, your families and your marriages

are what's important.

All you kiddos, the reason you're here

is 'cause your parents value you more than they do

a week on a cruise ship, more than anything.

Hmm.

Families, we are gonna have a ton of fun this week.

Let's listen for what God may want to say to us.

He wants to lead.

Will you follow him?

All right, kids, brush and floss.

- Yes, sir! - Yes, sir.

Uh, y... you too, kids, brush and floss.

- Do we even own floss? - Dad of the year.

Hey, Ackerman, hey, hey. Saw you admiring this earlier.

Pretty sure I wasn't.

The Camp Katokwah trophy.

You should see this baby on my mantel at home.

Had this custom case made for it

after we set three new records the first year.

Can you believe they used to let folks just take this home,

just sitting in their laps?

Okay, I'll bite.

What's a family gotta do to win it?

Oh, they gotta be in all the family competitions,

gotta compete.

The family that takes home the most points

at the end of the week takes the cup

from my cold, dead hands.

It's natural selection

for keeping the best families coming back

to camp year after year, if you ask me.

Didn't peg this place for being evolutionist.

Hey, are you crazy? You can't mention the "E" word

at a Christian camp.

Do you know what could happen to you?

Probably a bunch of monkey business.

Exactly.

The Sanders are fun, right?

I mean, they're different, but fun.

Okay, um...

since when is your idea of fun being, um,

stranded on Survivor Island with a vegan family gospel band?

Come on, they're not that bad.

And I don't even know that they're vegan.

- Hmm? - Hmm, I mean,

let's think about it for a second. We could learn

a thing or two from them about essential oils and such,

and, who knows, maybe you spend some time

with Dr. Eddie...

...and you guys may become BFFs.

No.

- It could happen. - No, no, okay,

- first of all, okay? - Hmm.

- Uh, Dr. Eddie... - Mm-hmm.

...is a chiropractor.

It means he got his doctorate from a junior college.

That's not true, you don't know that.

It is true, it's true, I read it, okay?

- Hmm. - And second of all,

- listen, I love you. - Aw.

But if you think we're gonna be friends

with that guy, you need your head examined.

No, you do, oh, you know what?

Hold on, I got a head examiner right here.

Ma'am, if you could just please be still.

- Get your toothbrush out of my... - No,

No, I'm gonna, no, I'm gonna examine...

Don't touch my hair with it,

- it's disgusting! - Yeah, I'm a professional.

Did you learn that in junior college?

Yes, I did.

And Lord, thank you for our children.

May their lives be a sweet fragrance

- unto you, Lord... - Yes.

...and may the aroma of their love just waft up

to your throne room, oh, Lord.

Oh, no, they're sacrificing their children.

Hey, maybe they're onto something.

There's nothing like a... like a righteous...

What smells like corn nuts in here?

- That's my feet. - You blessed my children

with a smoking hot mother so they...

Our kids aren't really sacrificing material.

Not so much.

- Come on... - Hmm?

- ...show them how it's done. - Huh, what's done?

Yeah, you're gonna bless this mess.

- No. - Yes.

- I don't... - Yes, you do,

- come on, you're doing it. - Uh.

Kids, um, come on, uh,

we're gonna... we're gonna say a blessing around you,

on... on you.

- Why? - It's tradition.

You're only doing it 'cause you saw

the Sanders doing it.

- No, we're not. - Come on,

come on, huddle up, let's go.

Come on, come on.

Okay, come on,

- just close your eyes. - Do what he says.

God, uh, we thank you for...

Jesus, mm-hmm, 'cause he's...

he's great, I mean, you know, I mean, you know that, right?

- I mean, you're great, too. - Honey.

- Hmm? - Bless the kids, bless them.

We, uh, we just wanna, uh,

we want you to bless our children,

just God bless... Well, you bless them, you bless them.

Yeah, this is our son Henry

and... ...this is our daughter Hannah.

- Yeah. - In case I...

- Hmm? - ...hadn't mentioned that

earlier. I don't think I did.

In Jesus's name we pray, amen.

Amen.

- I said, amen. - Go get them, kiddos.

Pretty sure God knows our names, Dad.

- Well, you can't be too sure. - Okay.

Get... We need to get a good night's rest.

We got some major butt kicking to do tomorrow.

Next on Texarkana Bigfoot.

Where's the other footprints?

What other footprints?

Well, there's lots of mud down here

and we only found the one print.

No... we got ourselves a one-legged big foot.

It's the epic season finale

of Texarkana Bigfoot Bounty.

For when you need energy.

Thanks, Dalmotrax.

For when you're not feeling

like yourself.

Thanks, Dalmotrax.

Too much like yourself.

Families, welcome to bubble ball.

It's a lot like soccer,

but just a little bit more contact.

Oh,

- that looks a little violent. - Mm-hmm.

- Make way! - No?

Make way for the returning champions!

Oh, yes!

Now, the winner today will earn 10,000 points

towards the Camp Katokwah cup.

And up next, the Ackermans

versus the Sanders,

two families now sworn enemies. Who will draw first blood?

You know no one can hear you, right?

Just the way I like it.

Line it up, families.

First team to score three points is the winner.

Sanders, today we are warriors!

Okay, Sanders, let's go.

Are you ready to bubble?

Yeah!

Loose ball, Sanders, loose ball.

I got it, I got it, I got it. Vic, to you!

Nice pass, Papi. Here we go, coming through.

- Okay, Victoria. - No, not my wife!

Sanders coming in hot for the body block.

What demon invented this game?

She's going, she's going.

Score!

Victoria Sanders

with the score.

Unbelievable.

That's my trophy wife! Whoo!

Whoo! Sanders, Sanders, Sanders!

- Guys, we can win this. - Sanders, Sanders!

We should probably stop. We should probably

just stop right now.

Sanders

take an early lead.

Let's see if the Ackermans can answer.

Take that, baldy!

Victoria.

Ooh

Uh, I hit her.

Henry Ackerman has the ball.

Oh, we're just gonna call that a dribble

and hope for the best.

Here comes Barb Sanders.

Get away from me, Barb!

Henry, get up!

That boy's got brilliant survival instincts.

- Come on, Barb, you got it! - I'm gonna score!

Toasted and posted, the Sanders score again.

Dog pile,

my little champions, dog pile.

Come on, Henry. Look, Barb weighs, like, 60 pounds.

You can't let her push you around like that.

Why don't you push her around?

Man down, man down! Game over, Ackerman.

Looks like the Ackermans have lost a player.

Unfortunately, that means that there's a forfeit,

Sanders win.

We are the champions!

What? Come on.

Sorry.

- Hey, you guys. - Hey!

Wow, those look great.

I know, it's kind of cheesy, but I love it so much.

Are you painting with mayonnaise?

Hey, guys, let's go wash up, okay?

Daddy's about done with his prayer walk

in the woods.

You guys, first year at camp.

You get to do the craft for new families.

Hold on.

Okay, you're gonna love it. Here we go.

Okay, so first, what you do is you count down

the number of days until Henry

and Hannah graduate from high school.

- Okay. - Then, together,

count the same number of beads...

and you put them in the jar.

Then, every day, you just take one out.

Every day, take one out.

You know, just every day, take one out...

'cause the days, you know.

Such a great reminder

of how precious your time is together.

Is this some sort of cruel joke?

- Grace. - No?

No,

you know, you only have, what? Two years left with them?

This vase, these beads,

they're gonna make everyday count.

Do the beads.

There you go.

- Okay. - Okay.

There you go.

Thank you.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, bud, what happened out there today?

I mean, I really thought we had a good chance

- to win bubble ball. - Meh, I just don't like sports.

I... I know, but if you put forth some effort,

uh, you might find a sport you like.

Like what, golf?

Yeah, maybe you and I could go out sometime to the course?

- No. - Okay.

Can you get me a snow cone?

Yeah.

Here, in the Amazon rainforest,

it's home to a number of species,

such as snakes, tigers,

and what I'm gonna soon find, bigfoots.

What do we have here?

- It's okay. - It just makes me sad

that my parents immigrated all the way here

- just to have our... - Oh, yes,

let's bring your parents into this.

Nothing more fun than fighting with four people.

What are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just trying to catch a big foot on camera.

Don't be a dummy, our dad said

that Noah wouldn't let bigfoots get on the ark

because they smelled like feet.

Yeah, dummy, why else do you think there's no big foot

in any of Noah's Ark's coloring books, huh?

Touché, clearly I'm the real dummy.

Mm-hmm.

What does... What does that look even mean?

Why does it always...

Getting pretty close to the flame there, bucko,

unless you prefer charred mellows.

You know, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but, uh, I'm pretty sure s'mores

aren't on the What Would Jesus Eat diet.

Hey, we're not monsters, okay?

This is a very important camp experience for our kids.

Even though we do make sugar-free, organic,

vegan, non-dairy marshmallows.

Oh, I'd expect nothing but perfection from you, Eddie.

Whoa, somebody call the fire department,

look at that.

Hey, Dad, will you film me tearing

this big ol' s'more down?

Uh, yeah, buddy, let's do that.

Let's go right over here, way over here by the boats.

Ooh! Mm-mm.

Okay, uh, let me see.

All right, how does this work?

Hmm. Bon appétit, kiddos.

Okay.

Okay, here I go!

It just makes me sad

- that my parents immigrated... - Nope.

- ...all way here. - Oh, yeah,

let's bring your parents into this.

Nothing more fun than fighting with four people.

Oh, uh, hey, bud, let's... let's, uh,

let's do... do it again, okay?

No, I know, I know, I just... I think

you got a better one in you.

Why is nothing I do ever good enough for you?

No, no, let's just... let's just give it another shot, okay?

Henry!

Hmm, hmm.

You know, I still can't believe

that the prettiest girl at camp has never been kissed.

Well, what, why is that so hard to believe?

I mean, it's cool, I'm sure you'll find the right guy.

Um, okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Tommy Ackerman.

Did you know you are the only one

who hasn't signed up for the Daddy Day Hike?

Oh, you should go.

I would, but, uh, you know what?

The, uh, only reason I came to camp was just to get to spend

more time with my family.

Well, that's exactly why you need to do it.

See, all the dads hike up to Mount Burrow.

They gather by themselves and...

...listen to God.

Sign him up.

Excellent! It's the best thing

you're gonna do for your family all week.

You're awesome. All right, Johnsons?

Hey, what's up?

I really don't know about that guy.

I know, I think he spent way too much time at camp.

What? Oh, no, no, no, not him.

I mean, Justin Bieber over there.

- That? - Yeah.

That's just a camp fling. She'll be over him in a week.

You know, maybe you should go on this hike,

spend a little more time with Eddie.

What?

He just puts a lot into his family,

- and... - Oh, come on.

You minimize things, you know, "Oh, she'll be fine."

You're gonna do this, right?

This... this is why I came over here,

so that you could compare me to Eddie Sanders?

Oh, yeah, he's just... he's just the perfect man.

He's a much better dad than me,

- he's... - No, no, Tommy,

no, I'm sorry...

I'm sorry.

Honey, that was just an awful thing to say.

It's fine, it's fine.

I don't think everything's so perfect

in the Sanders camp, anyway.

Families, welcome to day two

of the Camp Katokwah Challenge.

It's still anyone's game, so come to compete, let's go!

Ow, Eddie!

Come on, guys, let's go!

Tommy.

- Hey, Eddie? - Hmm?

Why don't you let me take this one?

I didn't hire a private archery coach

just to let you take this from me.

Honey, it's your weakest event, you said so yourself.

You always pull the shot to the left.

Not another word, I got this. This is my year, I can feel it.

Maiden voyage for my new bow here.

She's gonna give you nightmares.

All right, easy, Rambo.

Rules of the game are simple, hit the bulls eye,

get ten points.

It all goes down from there. Gentlemen, ready your arrows.

One point.

- Oh! - Yeah!

- Both get four points. - Great, that's great, honey.

Honey, you're doing great.

- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. - Huh?

You're still pulling it to the left.

One point.

It's okay, that's great. You're on it.

It's okay.

- Zero points. - That... that didn't count.

That counts.

Four points.

- Come on, Papi. - Okay, okay.

You've got this, Papi.

Stay to the right, just stay to the right.

Stay to the right, Eddie.

- Bulls eye! - Hmm!

Do you want that, do you want that?

Who's your daddy? Yes!

All right, everyone, looks like now we're tied at 15.

The highest scoring arrow is gonna win the game.

Let me know if you're gonna choke again.

Come on, Tommy, you've got this.

You got this, Dad.

- Four points. - Yes!

Let's see what you're made of, Sanders.

Oh.

Zero points, Ackerman family takes archery.

- Yeah! - No, no! this isn't right!

No! No! No!

Yes, in your face!

My stroke was off, that's not fair.

Eddie!

No!

- Hey, babe. - Oh!

- Ow! - Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Where'd you get binoculars?

What?

Uh-oh.

You okay?

Yeah, why?

Nothing, you're just kind of murdering

that ice cream cone, is all.

I'm stress eating, okay?

This is supposed to be Family Camp,

not Find-Dumb-Boyfriend Camp.

You know, last year, we would share an ice cream

and we would be talking about our favorite flavors,

oh, but this year, nuh-uh.

Instead, she's with some guy

whose intentions are God only knows what,

and I'm stuck here with a vase full of beads...

counting all the days that she should be spending with us,

but is instead spending with him, oh.

- Brain freeze. - Hey, hey, come here, come here.

Oh!

What's that?

Nothing.

Nothing is buzzing in your back pocket.

- Okay. - Look, don't answer it.

It's... it's about the promotion.

- Just don't answer it. - Two seconds...

two, I promise. Hello?

Tommy, quick update,

just had the most delicious club sandwich with Mr. Kapoor.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't choke on it.

Geez Louise, Mr. Kapoor,

you are cruising this path like a pro.

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Danica Patrick.

Hey, look, I'll text you later when I seal the...

Steal the deal.

You get out of that golf cart right now, do you hear me?

Bramberger, Bramberger!

Grace. Grace, hold up.

No, no, I will not hold up.

I have held up for the past five years.

I'm sorry.

Listen.

When we get home, I...

I think that we should go to marriage counseling.

Oh, come on, we don't need counseling.

I knew that's what you'd say.

I mean, I knew it.

Grace.

Heads up, watch out!

Um...

Girl's got a good arm.

This was clearly a terrible idea.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

Alex Kapoor.

Dad?

I'm scared, I want to come down.

Buddy, that's what the repelling gear is for.

You're not gonna fall.

N... No, I... I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm freaking out up here and you don't even care.

No.

Need a little slack in your line?

Oh, more than you know.

Hey, buddy, mind if I holler at your dad for a minute?

Yeah, thanks, I'm coming down.

Oh, thank God.

- He's a good kid. - Yeah, yeah.

Remind me your name again.

- Tommy, we go to your church. - Yes.

- Golfer, right? - Uh, yeah, yeah, sorry.

I think I've been showing up a little late.

No, it's all good. Seeing you come in

reminds me I only have a minute or two left in the sermon.

Well, I deserve that.

- Hey, can I be honest with you? - Sure.

Yeah, um, I think God and I are good.

He and I are okay. Uh, it's just, uh...

I'm busy, there's a lot going on,

and, uh, church is just another thing

on my list.

Hmm. No judgements here.

See, it doesn't matter if you're... if you're old

or if you're young.

We are all in different spots in our journey with God.

- Yeah. - Hey, Tommy, you...

you know what a compass does?

It tells you where to go?

Not exactly, it turns out it only has one basic function.

A compass points you to true north,

and once you got true north, you can never get lost.

Since we're being honest, I'm your pastor.

But it's not my job or the church's job

to lead your family...

it's yours.

See, life can pull you in many different directions

if you let it, but real talk...

...it's pretty easy to get lost if you don't have a guide.

- Have fun out here. - Yeah.

Sanders family,

I am proud of you and all the hustle today.

We destroyed so many families on the field of battle,

including the Ackermans in most events.

I know the good Lord is so pleased with us.

- Eddie? - Mm-hmm?

We can hear you.

Oh, no, Little Billy Graham is gone.

Who's Little Billy Graham?

Nobody panic, he's just the smaller gerbil.

What?

Gentlemen, welcome

to the Ouachita National Forest,

One-point-eight million acres

across two states. So in light of that,

today we are gonna do the buddy system.

That means no one goes anywhere without their buddy.

-Mm-hmm -So go ahead and pair up.

Now, Eddie Sanders has volunteered

to be the caboose

so that we can keep the entire group together.

Eddie, who's your lucky buddy?

That would be my yurt made, Tommy Ackerman.

Oh, no, sorry, Pastor Dave and I were, um...

Not on the same page

All right, let's head out.

Let's go, bucko.

Yeah, did you pack enough for a day hike?

Well, it's a little light for an Eagle Scout,

but if we get lost, the good Lord always provides.

Am I right? I'm right.

I have an offer for you, free of charge.

I know it's gonna sound too good to be true,

but I can't help it, I like you.

It's starting to smell like a pyramid scheme.

Oh, heavens no.

The essential oils are my wife's department.

Nay, nay, nay, what the good Lord laid

upon my heart is for you to have some mentors hip

in parenting with me.

It'll be the best five years of your life.

People don't call me the mentoring Miyagi

- for nothing. - Mm-hmm.

Name one person who calls you Miyagi.

Alto, you stay right here and think about it.

I'm gonna hop off the trail to the little boy's room.

Okay, hey.

Hurry up, I don't want to get left behind.

Ah, I don't want to get bit by any bugs.

Oops, that's poison ivy.

Come on, come on.

Aha.

Sweet manna from heaven.

Daddy's bringing home the honey.

Run, run!

- Get that thing away from me! - My skin is on fire!

- Get away from me! - It's free!

Get rid of it!

It's free organic honey!

That's a co-pay.

Man, my face stings so bad.

Do you see anything?

No, no, I don't, mm-mm, no.

You look... you look good. You look good.

Oh, praise God, I prayed for a hedge of protection

and the good Lord always comes through every time.

Um, yeah, if you stop breathing, just say something, okay?

- Ten-four. - Okay, great, great, great.

Hey, um, that, uh...

...that fort back there, I was thinking...

Eddie! Eddie, Eddie?

Quick, give me a shot of epinephrine in my pouch.

Geez, how much stuff you got... Oh, found it.

Okay, hold on...

Okay, now what?

Before you stab me, you need to massage my thigh.

- Um, nope. - Do you want me to die?

Hmm, well...

You have to massage my leg in the spot

where you're gonna stab me in for at least ten seconds

- or it does not work. - Okay.

Oh, oh, that feels kind of nice.

Please stop talking.

Okay, uh, you might want to, I don't know,

- say a prayer or something. - Okay, all right,

let me grab my keys.

- My hand! - You put in there!

- Do it again. - Again?

You have to stab me in the legs or the buttocks

or it does not work.

The legs it is, let me dust this off real quick.

No, no, no, I have a second pen in here.

Of course you do.

- Oh, hey. - Okay, okay.

- I'm starting to see Heaven. - No.

Hey, hey, Uncle Roy, is that you?

Do you still make those flapjacks?

I want some flapjacks, Uncle Roy.

- No, tell Roy to go away. - Make it big flapjacks,

- Uncle Roy. - No, no, don't take those.

Melt that butter, Uncle Roy.

Don't. You tell Roy to get away.

Roy, get away! The kitchen's closed.

Hmm.

Huh?

Wow, that thing works fast.

Yeah, that is pure adrenalin, my friend.

Hey, I want to go for a run.

You want to go for a run?

I want to go for one, let's go for a run!

Okay, hot pants, why don't you...

Come on!

Uh, finally, some mother daughter time...

- Okay, okay, careful, Mom. - Ooh, that is slippery.

All right, okay, Mom, okay, Mom.

Just whatever you do,

- don't let go. - Okay.

- Hey, there. - Oh, hey.

- Want to toss the 'bee around? - Yeah, sure. Um, hey, Mom?

Mom?

Oh, okay, is it cool if I go hang with Corbin?

- Thanks. - After you.

Thank you, so how have you been?

Uh, yeah, pretty good.

Come on, come on, God.

I'm good.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Were you tickling my face?

Yeah, I was, I tried shaking you violently,

but all that did was make me feel good.

That's the way.

That is not a trail.

The trail winds to the left up there quite a bit

and I'm 100% positive

that if we cut through these woods,

we will find ourselves back on the trail

and probably ahead of the group.

Hey, buddy, come on.

This is our story to tell our wives,

how we braved the wilderness

and fought our way back home.

Come on.

Come on.

Come, come.

Okay, but quit talking to me like I'm a dog.

- Good boy, Tommy. - Stop it.

Eight, ten, twelve, fourteen, sixteen, eighteen...

Has anyone seen Tommy or Eddie?

Tommy, Eddie?

Oh, no.

I should have known better than to trust you.

You have no idea where we are.

Well, good luck crossing that.

I've crossed it a dozen times.

That, you've crossed that?

Things like it.

Mentorship tip numero uno,

never ask your kids to do something

that you aren't willing to do yourself.

In this illustration, I will play the brave father

that has already conquered the river,

and you will play the scared little boy.

Just picture yourself as Henry.

Yeah, please don't talk about my son.

Your son, he's the quiet, reclusive type.

If I've seen it once, I've seen it 100,000 times.

If you do not get a handle on this,

you're gonna have a hoarder for a son.

Hey, Eddie, shut your mouth before I shut it for you.

Today, he is a quiet little bookworm.

Tomorrow, he is stuck in an apartment

with a bunch of junk that he bought

at a home shopping channel with your credit card, bucko.

- Hey, Eddie. - Yeah?

No, no!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

My glasses.

No, not my mustache!

I am a chiropractor!

- You're so dead. - You don't know me.

No, who consecrates a yurt with a harmonica song?

I do, I do with pleasure, with pleasure.

Well, it's not pleasurable to anyone else!

You don't know anything! Anything, anything, anything!

Uh...

Mind if I join you?

Sure.

Do you want to talk about it,

- or... - No, no, I don't.

Okay.

I mean, no offense, but, like,

your marriage is just a little too perfect

for me to, you know, talk to you about my marriage.

So I'm just, I'm not even gonna go there.

You know, like, here's the thing, okay?

I thought that we would come here

and that my family would just magically become

the family that I've always wanted

them to be.

Whatever you think about me and my family, uh,

you know, things get a lot more complicated

when you get a peek behind the curtain, so.

Oh, please,

you're like the perfect Christian family.

You even eat like Jesus would eat, for crying out loud.

We're kind of falling apart.

Ooh, I just said that out loud.

We're falling apart.

Uh.

Okay, um...

go on.

I'm really good at keeping our secret

and I put a smile on at church and I pray and I pray

and I pray, Grace, I pray, and I have no voice.

I have no voice in my marriage,

and Eddie controls everything, everything.

And I give my opinions, but it's like

he doesn't even care, you know, he doesn't even listen.

And I don't even have the strength to make him care,

you know?

And I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like...

I don't matter.

I did not see that coming.

- Sorry, that was like, blah. - Oh, no, it's okay.

Ladies, I don't mean to interrupt,

but we have a problem.

Get in line.

Oh, you're serious.

I can't find my lunch anywhere.

So let me get this straight.

You've got these anti-hypothermia

space age blankets

in your backpack, you've got an epinephrine shot,

a backup epinephrine shot,

but you got no map, no compass, nothing?

Correctamundo.

Oh, my stomach just ate itself.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my blood sugar

was getting a little low, so I ate your lunch.

Come again?

I was addressing a medical need.

Hey, it's okay, mi amigo.

When God closes a door, he opens a Chick-fil-A.

So you stole my lunch?

This is amazing, you realize we could die out here, right?

Whoa, bucko, hey, we don't need to

look at it that way.

We need to look at this as an opportunity

to grow our faith.

You know what, the only reason I came

on this stupid hike was to grow my faith.

- Hey, let it out. - Okay, I will.

You know, I thought maybe I'd come out here,

he'd say something, he'd show me something.

Instead, I'm stuck here

with Dr. Phil's demented twin brother when I should be

back at the camp singing "Kumbaya" with my family.

How's that make you feel?

I'll tell you how it makes me feel, all right?

I feel like if God is in control of all this, then I don't know

if I'm really that interested in faith.

Please stop that.

Stop what?

That.

Stop this?

Yes, that.

Can't.

- May I see that? - Hmm?

Can I see that?

Thanks.

What you gonna do now, little bald man?

You've reached Tommy Ackerman,

senior investment strategist for Wiley and Edmund.

I'm not available right now.

So we've got the sheriff's office,

Park Services, and great team of volunteers searching

for your husbands right now. They're gonna be out there

for two hours...

but they're gonna hit it again, first light.

And then what?

You know, these guys are really good at what they do.

I think the best thing for right now

- is if y'all stay put. - We stay put, sure.

We just sit still, stay put, thank you for that.

We'll just stay put while our husbands are out there

that have never been out there before, like...

Joel?

Hey, Grace?

They're coming back.

You hear me?

I really believe that.

I know that.

I'm gonna pray for us, okay?

Okay.

Sometimes I like to pray in my prayer language,

- is that all right? - Um, you mean like in tongues?

- Like in Spanish. - Oh,

yeah, that's good, that's good.

- My dad plays the harmonica. - Hmm, sounds like a good man.

He never really came around much.

Still doesn't.

And if I'm honest,

I'm just living out my greatest fear

of becoming just like him.

And the older my kids get...

I realize, I...

I don't know them.

This may surprise you to hear this, but, uh...

I was afraid to have kids.

My parents, they did the best they could,

but they didn't really leave me with the best blueprint

to raise my own kids with.

And then I saw the twins in the delivery room...

holding each other...

and this...

extra valve in my heart opened up,

one I didn't even know I had.

I love them so much.

And yet, I'm still afraid I'm gonna mess them up somehow.

My grandmother always said it's, uh, family...

it's God's plan and our responsibility.

- Hmm. I like that. - Hmm. Yeah.

Don't worry, mi amigo, we are going to find

our way back home to our families, I promise.

Now, that's a roaring fire.

Oh, quick, get them off!

I'm trying!

- Ouch. - Hot!

- Stomp them out! - Hot!

- My leg hairs! - Not today, Satan!

No, no.

Oh, they look good.

- Do they? - Yeah.

Okay, Rescue Alpha.

We're gonna call it a night. We'll be back at 0500.

Okay.

Look, I know I don't ask for much, God...

because...

you know, I like to do everything myself.

But it turns out...

that I really love him and, um, and I need him, so...

please bring him home.

- Good morning. - Hey, morning.

- Hope I didn't wake you. - No.

How do I look?

- Fantastic. - That's right, fantastic.

- Mom, Mom! - What?

Henry's gone.

It says he went to go find dad.

Okay, we believe the boy is most likely

in this area here,

and the chances of survival in this forest are falling

by the hour for all three of them,

so we gotta move.

Grace, Grace!

- Grace. Grace! - What?

I can't let you go in there.

You say that like you can stop me.

My son is out there.

I understand, that's why we're doubling our efforts.

Yeah, that's great, it's just not good enough, it's not.

Grace, that's not just some city park

you're walking into there.

It's the Ouachita National Forest,

some of the roughest terrain you'll ever encounter, Grace!

God knows every square inch of it.

He knows where they are.

So when is he gonna tell us?

Cookie, I need to borrow your truck.

- What for? - It's an emergency.

Oh, it sounds like my kind of party.

So, where are we going?

We've got a little boy to go rescue.

Mentorship lesson numero dos.

Tell me about this, uh, cell phone

that you always seem to be on.

This is amazing, we're here

in the middle of the woods,

and yet I still seem to have a nagging wife.

Well, at least you have a wife that cares enough to nag.

Um, it's my job, right?

I mean, some people work in construction,

some people work in a classroom. I do most of my work

on the phone.

How do you set boundaries?

For what?

Well, I mean, if you work in a construction yard,

you wouldn't be driving the bulldozer

to the dinner table, now would you, no.

Try using the sharp side.

Hmm, hmm.

Yeah, it's not that easy, okay? I'm up for a promotion.

If I get it, it changes everything, right?

I mean, who doesn't want to not have to worry about money?

Get a new house, a new car, don't have to worry

about retirement, I mean...

- ATVs! - ATVs?

- Hmm, what, ATVs? - Help, somebody!

Please help!

Hey, hey, hey, come on, let's go.

No, no, this has "Thou shalt not steal."

Written all over it.

We can cover ten times the area with these, okay?

We'll be back by dinner.

Four wheelers just don't appear in the middle of nowhere.

They belong to somebody.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, I just, I missed my family,

and I'm so hungry.

Tonight is taco night.

No, it's stealing.

I forgot about the guacamole.

No, no, it's wrong.

Dad?

Dad!

Hello?

Okay, I'm done waiting, we're losing daylight.

- It's now or never. - Hmm.

Did you say something?

Well, hey, little fella.

Who's daddy's big boy? I'm daddy's big boy.

Tommy?

Tommy!

Tommy!

- Tommy! - Please, stop screaming.

- My head's killing me. - My legs feel like jelly.

That's the tranquilizer.

Now it's rated for a 700-pound primate.

You're liable to feel a little weak

- in the knees for a spell. - Wait, I know you guys.

Yeah, yeah, you're on that, uh, you're on that TV show,

- The Bigfoot Hunters. - Always nice to meet a fan.

They tried to steal our ATVs,

you cornball joker.

I retract my statement.

We're... we're not... we're not thieves.

We're just trying to get back to our families.

But, you see, I got one little

- teensy tiny problem. - One.

You see, I ain't never met a thief who weren't a liar.

Wow, I could sew that on a pillow.

- Thank you. - I'm sorry, um,

- were you calling him a liar? - I did.

That man is my friend and he is no liar,

and if you're calling him a liar,

you're calling me a liar, and nobody calls me a liar.

- Stop talking. - You know what, we're fine.

You can go on your way, just skedaddle. Good day, sirs.

I said good day.

All right.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Bye now.

He... he's just kidding, okay?

We... we love your show, we do.

- Oh. - I'm not kidding,

fame has gone to your head.

No one watches your TV show, now scram.

Come on.

Please tell them you're kidding.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. - Give me your honey pot.

- But you said you wasn't hungry. - The honey pot ain't for me,

you doofus McSpaz-a-tron, come on. Hand it over.

Now.

Now, these woods, this is home to a lot more

than just deer and coyote.

Mm, mm, mm.

Now, we'll come back and untie you

in a day or two when we're done squatching,

that is...

if you ain't already been tooked.

Please don't go!

That was scary.

Please, don't leave us!

Look on the bright side, we got our honey, huh?

You don't understand, they were our last hope.

I'm starting to think you don't want to be rescued.

Well, clearly I was using reverse psychology,

and clearly I still need some practice at it.

The only thing that is clear to me is how clueless

you actually are.

I mean, you can't be normal for one minute, can you?

Everything that comes out of your mouth

causes every bit of me to cringe.

It... it's like... It... it's like

your head is just a... a giant cheese grater

and I'm lactose intolerant.

When you open up your mouth,

it's just grade A cheddar just starts coming out.

It's just.

And in the midst of all of that,

I have to ask this question, who...

who greets people by giving them back adjustments?

Who in the world does that?

- Well, I do. - Listen, do me a favor.

The next time you have something that you just have

to say, don't,

because nobody wants to hear you.

I get it.

I get it.

You're the guy that always gets picked, right?

Never left standing there,

the third wheel in a bunch of two-man buddy systems.

Always invited to lunch, always invited to the parties.

And then there's me.

Clueless, cringey...

not normal Eddie Sanders.

I've got news for you.

God doesn't make junk, and that includes me.

No matter what you may think of me...

I'm not junk.

I just don't know what I would do...

- if it was just me and mom. - Look, they're gonna find them.

Everything will be okay, I'm sure of it.

What are you... what are you doing?

- Come on, don't be a tease. - Excuse me?

Uh, okay, cool, um, I'll catch you around, I guess.

Wha... what?

Yeah, see you around, I guess.

- Henry! - Henry!

Henry!

Headquarters here, go ahead,

Rescue Alpha.

We're setting it down for the night.

The trail ran cold over an hour ago

and the dogs are getting tired.

Hello?

Dad?

Is that you?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

I got you on camera, so you can just come out...

...please?

Wolves?

Wolves, wolves, help, help! There's wolves!

Henry?

Hey, I'm really sorry about what I said earlier.

- It's fine, whatever. - I just don't want to die

out here.

It may be happening sooner than you think.

Oh, well, hello, little fella.

Who's a good boy?

I need one more chance.

I get it now.

Grace, Hannah, Henry...

they need me.

And I think for the first time in my life...

I'm ready.

I'm ready, God.

I've been going in so many directions.

I need to find true north.

So if you'll have me...

I'll give you everything.

Just please give me one more chance.

Eddie, Eddie, the ropes, they just broke, it's a miracle!

Oh.

Well, well, yeah, it's a miracle.

I mean,

it's been like a... a nonstop prayer service

on this side of the tree.

Have you been crying?

You've been crying.

A little help?

Mom, Mom!

Henry.

I'm so sorry, I looked for him all night.

I tried so hard.

I couldn't find him. Sorry.

Thank you.

Me and you are gonna have kids like that one day.

Hmm?

I don't feel good about this.

It's our only chance, come on.

Hmm.

They've got cheddar wieners.

Get over here.

Do you want one?

See, Mr. Beef, I told you them was thieves.

Beef. Beef.

Morning.

Put him in a choker, will you?

Thought you could pull one over on us.

No, look ahead.

- Hi. - Oh, hello again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You wouldn't want to leave your friend behind now,

- would you? - Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

Come on, now, step away from it nice and slow like.

Yeah, nice and slow like.

Well, well, well.

What we gonna do with these two now?

Don't do anything crazy, okay?

Just, um, think... think about your TV show.

- Oh, show's over. - Huh?

Yeah, the network canceled it.

Is it because you couldn't find big foot?

You watch it too?

Let me ask you something. You know what it's like to have

your dream come true reality TV show canceled, huh?

Do you? Do you!

Uh, it's... it's just a really specific question.

No, huh, no.

Well, it's very difficult.

It's very difficult.

And now I think I'm gonna have to cancel you.

Wait, that was unloaded the whole time?

Bigfoot!

- What? - Where, where?

Eddie, run!

- I'll never walk again! - Sir, please don't go.

No, you don't. L2.

L4. And sleep.

- Eddie, you're a murderer. - No, Tommy, I'm a chiropractor.

Oh, oh.

Come on!

You are not Rambo.

Pull to the left, baby.

Drive!

- Come on, it's gonna blow! Whoa! - I got you,

little Squatchie.

That was amazing,

- Eddie, you did it. - No, we did it.

Stop, stop, beaver, stop!

- Whoa! - Watch out!

Bees, uh, I hate you, I hate you, bees.

I hate them, I hate the bees!

Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on.

If that's the bees...

-this is the trail -We found the trail?

- We found the trail. - We found the trail.

We found the trail, we found the trail!

We found the trail, we found the trail.

We found the trail, we found the trail.

- That just happened. - Yeah.

Oh, let me gather this stuff right here.

- I'll help you. - You get going here, okay?

No, you don't need to help.

- No, it's good. - You don't need to help,

- I got... I just need to... - I got it.

What is this?

I didn't know it was in there.

Hey.

Hey! Look me in the eyes

and say that.

I... I didn't know... Okay, okay.

We were never really lost.

I, uh...

I knew where we were the whole time.

Of course you did.

- You see, the truth is... - No.

Don't.

I don't want to hear it.

Victoria doesn't love me anymore!

What are you talking about?

She... she doesn't love me anymore.

We're just... we're just roommates,

just... just raising our kids.

Divorce isn't an option, so we just exist.

She doesn't even want to be around me...

...so I just, uh, I just thought if... if they'd think...

...that I was hurt or even dead and then miraculously returned,

- then things would be... - No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Let me make sure I understand this.

You're stuck in a passionless marriage...

so you dragged me, a complete stranger,

into this twisted, manipulated, made up story.

You almost get the both of us killed.

At the least, you wreck our wives

and children, for what?

So you can come in and sweep her off her feet?

Hmm, well, I don't know about sweeping her off her feet,

but I really thought if we could...

Your wife was right.

No, we have to finish this together.

- We're finished. - I can't go back by myself.

You stay away from me.

Oh, God, no.

- Hey. Here you go. - Thank you.

Hey, come on, it's dad!

There he is.

Tommy? Tommy!

- Tommy! - Grace, Grace!

- Tommy, Tommy? - Grace?

I thought you were...

I'm never leaving you again, never.

Dad!

Oh, come here.

I was looking for you in the woods

all night by myself.

- What? - Um.

I'm sorry, I just wanted you to be proud of me.

I couldn't be more proud of you.

You're perfect just the way you are.

- Hi. - I love you, sweetheart.

- I love you. - Oh.

Where is he?

Where's Eddie?

- Papi. - Dad!

Let's go.

I thought you weren't coming back.

What you got there?

I was thinking about that jar with all of those beads in it,

and I think it's just a really terrible idea.

Me too.

How about instead of taking beads out,

we put beads in for every day that we have with each other

from this moment on?

Mom, I'm gonna need you my first day of college.

I'm gonna need you for my first real job...

for my first serious boyfriend.

Mom, I'm gonna need you for everything.

So...

You see the kids?

Oh, I told them to get us a seat next to Tommy and Grace.

Oh, no, bad idea. Why don't we just let them

have their own personal space for the last night of camp

- because that's a big deal. - Hey, Eddie?

I need to talk...

and I just...

I need you to just listen, okay?

I've been praying for God to change some things...

in our marriage.

But what I realized is that the change starts with me.

God calls husbands to love their wives

like Christ loves the church...

- Vic, let's be real clear... - Eddie...

God doesn't control us.

He doesn't make all the decisions for us.

He doesn't take away our voice.

And he loves...

what I have to say.

That is what I need.

I need my voice back.

Let's hear it for the Brewers!

Woo-woo, sugar bear!

Look at that.

Now, our next award is the Badge of Courage.

Now, this comes as no surprise.

You've all heard the story of heroism

and the conquering of nature.

Well, this award is being given to...

...Eddie Sanders...

...for saving Tommy

from choking to death in the first night of camp.

Thank you, Cookie.

Don't go anywhere, Eddie.

You see, that Badge of Courage has earned you

an extra 10,000 points...

...making the Sanders

the winners of the Camp Katokwah Cup

for the third year in a row!

Mind if I say something?

No.

Friends, um...

thank you for this great honor, but, um...

I... I can't accept it.

Um...

I'm...

I'm a fake.

I've made my wife miserable.

Vic, you're right.

I have not loved you like Christ loved the church.

And I am so sorry.

That's on me, that's on me.

I'm gonna go down there, okay?

The perception I've made of my family, uh...

well, it's a trophy...

it's a golden idol, which, um...

- well, it makes me, uh... - A liar?

Yeah.

The truth is I...

I got the two of us lost in the woods.

And I did it on purpose.

An ill-conceived attempt

to try to win the affections back

from my wife, I'm sorry.

- Hey, hey, here, I got it. - Hmm?

I got it.

I think, um, when we were in the forest...

I think we both learned a lot about life...

...faith...

and family.

That wouldn't have happened if we didn't get lost

in the woods.

See, I told you, God had a plan.

- Shut it. - Okay.

- Seriously. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Um. What I'm trying to say is, uh...

I've been forgiven a lot.

So how can I not forgive?

Yeah.

Hey.

I forgive you.

- Hmm, me? - Yeah, you.

- You deserve this. - Oh, I know.

Come on, guys.

You were terrible at bubble ball,

but you are great at everything else.

Thank you for hearing me.

You're worth listening to.

So you'd better get used to it.

I love you.

I love you, too, Eddie Sanders.

- Hey. - Hmm?

You wanna play us out?

I'd love to. Um...

All right, follow along with me right here.

All right.

Here we are, oh, snap. You guys, I nailed the chair.

Family Camp.

Drive!

Reset.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Pastor Dave.

No, no, don't... don't 'bee me.

Ow.

Mom, Mom, my mic fell.

Oh, you're a hot mess right now.

Oh, that's right, we found the trail...

We found a mic, we found a mic, we found a mic, it's right here.

We found the mic, there it is.

I'm thinking that my kiddos love you, Lord.

Oh, dear, let them spread that love

because it is like holy water to a vampire.

Hey, somebody call the fire... fire department.

- Somebody call the... - Watch out.

Whoa, somebody call the fire department!

Got it.

Mom, Henry's gone.

Oh, well.

- I'm a big boy, copy, copy? - Copy, copy.

- Copy the big boy. - You're a big boy, copy.

I don't want a vacation.

It's her, it's not me.

I'm so sorry, I haven't gotten

a lot of sleep lately.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I tried so hard.

We have to do that again, that was hilarious.

Hey, I just broke... Sorry, let's do that again.

Right here.

When God shuts a door, he always opens a window.

No, I will not hold up, I have... Hold, yeah, yeah.

Let's do that again.

Sorry, I swallowed a popcorn kernel.

And cut.

- Last one? - Last one.

- You take it. - No, I couldn't.

I insist.

You're a true friend, Mr. Beef.

Trickety wickedy.