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1
00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:04,120
Lock and load, bitches.
2
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,840
It's Class Wars!
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:10,600
Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. You're
the advancing German army.
4
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,600
Right, it's the 27th May, 1940.
5
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,000
Thousands of British troops
have been stranded
6
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,840
on the beaches of Dunkirk.
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,960
French beach?
Is it one of those topless ones?
8
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,400
No, Chantelle. Keep your
clothes on, and prepare for battle!
9
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:36,560
Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.
10
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,760
Er, where did you come from?
11
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,000
All the way from Harvard University,
sunshine state of California,
12
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,000
reporting for duty, sir!
13
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,080
Yeah, we're doing Dunkirk.
14
00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,440
Which means you're about
four years too early, mate.
15
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,160
You're doing humour.
I love British humour.
16
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,320
Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?
17
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,880
Please can I have another crumpet!
18
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,440
All right, settle down,
everybody. Take a seat.
19
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,520
Is he fucking mental?
20
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,400
Oi, Dick Van Dyke.
What the hell are you doing here?
21
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,080
This is my class.
22
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,440
Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you?
I'm here to take over Form K.
23
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,960
Er, no, you're not,
these are my pupils.
24
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,640
Sorry, hombre. Not anymore.
25
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:18,040
Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre.
I'm in charge around here.
26
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,360
I've got their respect.
I'm like a God to them.
27
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,960
Sieg heil, Bastian
Schweinsteiger!
28
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,080
What? Dunkirk was at sea.
29
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:05,240
'Welcome to Radio Frase.
The chat quota of LBC,'
30
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:11,200
but with a host who was loved
as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!
31
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,920
Last one there gets a
detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.
32
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:19,000
First announcement
on the new Tannoy, check.
33
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,120
Felt weird without any
trousers on.
34
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,840
Note to self - fake tan
and white slacks don't mix...
35
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,000
The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?
36
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,680
'Just to clarify,
I am wearing underpants. '
37
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,320
Oh, God!
38
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,600
Have you seen Pickwell?
39
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,880
God, when I see her, I'm going to
give it to her with both barrels.
40
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,960
Dick.
41
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,720
Maybe a change will do you good?
42
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,560
Yeah, you would say that,
cradle snatcher.
43
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,680
Alex is three years younger
than you. We're happy.
44
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:58,920
Get over it.
45
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,320
Did you have a fun weekend?
46
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,400
We went for a lovely, romantic meal.
47
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,960
A Happy Meal, was it?
What toy did she get?
48
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,080
If anyone's a child here, it's you.
Great.
49
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,840
Well, that means you can set
me and Alex up on play dates.
50
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,320
Well, she does have
some very fun toys.
51
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,720
Oh!
52
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,880
Hello, willkommen and awooga!
53
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:25,120
Item one. The school's got a couple of
new furry friends. And I'm not
54
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:29,600
talking about the pair of puppies
Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.
55
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,760
Woof woof!
# Who let the dogs out? #
56
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,600
Um, puberty let the dogs out.
57
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,720
It's normal for your bodies
to change and grow.
58
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,440
In fact, the other day,
I thought I found a lump.
59
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:45,880
Don't worry, nothing cancerous,
60
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:50,080
turns out it was just a knot of dead
skin in the old pork purse.
61
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,680
Rats. We've got rats.
62
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,360
Rats are really just big black mice,
like Rastamouse.
63
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,200
So, don't be scared of them,
64
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:02,760
and please, please, please
don't tell your parents.
65
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:07,640
Item two. The PE teacher has quit to
become a tree surgeon. I know!
66
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,120
Email from his lawyer
saying something about
67
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,640
operations on a yew tree.
Good luck to the guy.
68
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,120
Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's
going to be taking over
69
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,760
the school's worst performing
class, Special K...
70
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,920
um, Form K.
71
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:27,520
As the Archbishop of Banterbury, I
hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.
72
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,320
Explosion, shrapnel.
73
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,800
That handshake is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
74
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,960
So, a little about me.
75
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,520
I just got back from Malawi,
Africa,
76
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:50,200
where I was helping the victims of a
savage civil war.
77
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,160
But I am sure as heck pretty
darn excited to be here now
78
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,960
in Watford, United Kingdom.
79
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,600
OK, so I'm going
to be teaching history,
80
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,400
and helping out with the gym class.
81
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,440
So I guess you're wondering what
qualifies this guy to teach gym?
82
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,520
Yes.
83
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,040
Well, I did make a brief
appearance at the Olympics
84
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,680
here in London, England,
on Team USA.
85
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,040
Whoo!
86
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,480
What do you want? A medal?
87
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,880
I won gold with the coxless four.
88
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:25,720
Now I want to give you guys
a taste of the good old US of A.
89
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,040
But I will leave
the school food to you.
90
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,240
I'm not saying my students back home
were chunky or anything,
91
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,040
but I could catch them skipping class on
Google Earth.
92
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,760
Let's hope they keep the gun
culture at home as well, mate.
93
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,680
We all know why they keep their kids
so fat. Bigger targets.
94
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,800
High school massacres?
95
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,360
Am I right?
96
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,560
Yeah?
97
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,920
Come on - he's yanking your chain.
98
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,480
Gallows humour.
99
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,200
Throw him in the bloody Tower with
Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.
100
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,040
Classic!
101
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,600
Someone lock this guy up in
Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?
102
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,520
Oh! Who's with me?
103
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,680
I love Justin Timberlake.
104
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,000
Mr Wickers not with you?
105
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,480
Why, do you want him?
106
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,160
I don't "want" him.
107
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,760
I just thought he'd be yapping
around your cankles
108
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,800
like some over-excited puppy that needs
a good spade to the genitals.
109
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:39,360
Just to clarify, because I don't want
you misreading any signals,
110
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:45,120
it may shock you to learn that
a sexual carnivore like myself
111
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,120
was, for a spell, herbivorous.
112
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,520
Well, I don't understand a word of what
you just said but I'm guessing
113
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,360
it's something to do with the
fact I've got a girlfriend?
114
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,560
I understand your surprise now,
115
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,920
but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down
the caper bush for ever.
116
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,840
Are you trying to flirt with me?
117
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,480
No! No, no, no. Women cannot live
on pitta alone.
118
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,720
I need a little kofte in my kebab.
119
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:14,480
Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief
to many, many men.
120
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:18,280
I want you to know that I am...
121
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,600
Back on solids.
122
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,360
Phew.
123
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,520
We need to talk about Kevin.
124
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,160
You can talk to me
about anything you want.
125
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,400
My door is so open,
it's off its hinges.
126
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,520
Yeah, I get it. Very clever.
127
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,720
Why didn't you tell me
I was losing my class?
128
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,560
After that fire
at the swimming gala,
129
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:52,120
Pickwell has got my jolly pink
giant by the scruff of its neck.
130
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,640
She said either I hire Kevin
131
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,560
or she reports me to various
child welfare agencies,
132
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,640
none of which are mahusive fans
of Super-F.
133
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,400
Well, I don't care
where I have to take this fight -
134
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,040
I'm getting my kids back.
135
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,360
Oh, BT dubs, if you're planning a
Fathers for Justice-style protest,
136
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,160
I've got wide a variety of superhero
costumes you could borrow.
137
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,280
The only one I can't lend you
is the Superman one.
138
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,720
Why not?
139
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,000
How long have you been
wearing that?
140
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,560
Every day for four years. In case I need
to save the school bus.
141
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,520
Buttons, buttons...
Where are the buttons?
142
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,400
Right, look, you can't just give
my class away.
143
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,480
Can too. Can not.
144
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,920
Can can, can can.
I can do the can can.
145
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,680
Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and
my class want me back.
146
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,240
They would take a bullet for me.
147
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,320
Ha! I find that hard to believe.
148
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,440
What the hell is that?
149
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,440
OK. Right, you are aware this
isn't Hogwarts?
150
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,280
Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld.
Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.
151
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,320
Why is there an owl on your arm?
152
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,480
Well, Mr Fraser's attempts
to eradicate the vermin
153
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,280
have, thus far, been
unsuccessful, so...
154
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,720
An owl is the solution?
155
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:13,240
Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but
some precious Red Tape Susan
156
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,280
said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and
children are incompatible.
157
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,440
Hence, Rumsfeld and I
are hunting rats...
158
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:21,280
Oh, and there's one
in particular that's so grubby,
159
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:25,280
even turds retch as they glide past him
in the sewer.
160
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,360
OK, well, I assume I'm that rat in that
little pooey analogy of yours.
161
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,760
But let me tell you this, there
is
162
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,920
absolutely no way on Earth that I'm
going to stand by and watch you...
163
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,480
Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to
meet your new form now?
164
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:38,720
Fine.
165
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,680
I'm teaching 2J?
166
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,280
Putting me in there is like
putting Justin Bieber
167
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,840
on the main stage at Reading.
They'll murder me.
168
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,040
Remember - don't look them
in the eye.
169
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:56,520
Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just
marking their territory.
170
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,120
As I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death...
171
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,640
I take a look at my life
and realise there's nothing left
172
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,280
Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'
173
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,800
so long that even my momma
thinks that my mind is gone.
174
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,200
I didn't know you were a
Coolio fan!
175
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,840
It's the Bible. Psalm 23.
176
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,680
Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.
177
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,640
It's a tune, though,
I'll give you that.
178
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,440
Oh, I forgot to mention,
they're studying this.
179
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,240
Right.
180
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,000
Listen up, you little bastards.
181
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:33,000
Before we begin, I want to
make one thing crystal clear.
182
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,760
I could kick the shit out of you
in a fight.
183
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,400
And don't think that I wouldn't just
because you're smaller than me
184
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,360
and some of you are little girls.
185
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:53,320
Any questions? No. Thought not.
186
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,480
Beowulf, chapter one.
187
00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:01,600
In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun
pur-pon diddly dee di
188
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,400
diddle-um dee didly dom...
189
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,640
Six minutes, 17 seconds.
190
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,240
They're monsters! They're 11.
191
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,000
Just think of it as babysitting.
I'm not a babysitter.
192
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,080
No, of course you're not.
They are babysitting you.
193
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,160
I see visions of me dead.
Lord, are you there?
194
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,160
The Bible? Tupac.
195
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,440
No, please!
196
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,040
A little orphan looked up at
me and said...
197
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,880
Nicola Berti's been stabbed!
198
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,440
Don't worry, I know first aid.
199
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,000
She's bleeding out by
the school gates. Go, quick!
200
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,760
Go. Go.
201
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,080
Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.
202
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,800
Is Nicola going to die?
Nicola?
203
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,800
Oh, no, that was just something I said
to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.
204
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,720
Gullible! So not LOL, sir.
205
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,080
What's that?
206
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,680
Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon
for Protect the Rhino.
207
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,560
Protect the rhino?
They're basically dinosaurs!
208
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,840
I think they can look after
themselves.
209
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:13,480
I have been thinking long and hard about
how I'm going to get you back.
210
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,080
I have considered
every possible option -
211
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:19,520
and I'm going to need one of you to say
that Kevin touched you.
212
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,840
A little fiddle. Anyone?
213
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,440
Oh, God, you guys are so square!
214
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:30,680
Joe?
215
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,880
Your new haircut's given you
a kind of choirboy vibe.
216
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,520
They tend to dig that look.
217
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:36,760
No way.
218
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:41,560
I just want my class back.
What am I going to do?
219
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,840
Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.
220
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,000
Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux,
let the man-hunt begin.
221
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,640
Come and get us, Interpol.
222
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,560
I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.
223
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,800
Shoot. Right!
224
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,360
We're going to need a van,
some cable ties and an alibi.
225
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,200
Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your
parents' honeymoon.
226
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,600
We have to get rid of Kevin
somehow. He's such a dick.
227
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,720
Isn't he?
228
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,280
Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's
actually pretty rad.
229
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,880
Rad? Who are you?
230
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,400
Look, what has this guy got
that I haven't?
231
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,520
Timetables. Abs.
Dress sense. A penis.
232
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:22,120
Mr Schwimer went to college
with Ashton Kutcher.
233
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,360
So what? Give a shit?
I've got celebrity friends, too.
234
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,640
My friend Atticus Hoye
was on Total Wipeout.
235
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,720
Mr Schwimer's a pro skater,
sir. He invented his own trick.
236
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,040
What else has he done?
Turned water into wine?
237
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,960
He's teetotal.
238
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,520
Jesus! As if he couldn't get
any creepier!
239
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,280
Kids, if I can teach you
one thing about life,
240
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,600
never trust a man
that doesn't drink.
241
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,480
Has Kevin just been
peacocking all morning?
242
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,080
Has he actually taught you anything?
243
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,680
The English kings and queens.
244
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,040
All of them?
That's impossible.
245
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,600
Five, six, seven, eight...
246
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,760
Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee,
Harry, Dick-John, Harry three,
247
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,160
one two three Neds, Richard two,
Harrys four five, six, then who?
248
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,160
Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys
seven-eight, Ned the Lad,
249
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,480
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie,
Charlie, James again,
250
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,760
William Mary, Anna Gloria, Four Georges,
William and Victoria,
251
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,080
Edward seven next, and then
George the fifth in 1910,
252
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,840
Ned the eighth soon abdicated then
George the sixth was coronated,
253
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,640
and if you've not lost your breath,
give a cheer for Elizabeth.
254
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,880
Meh! When would you actually use that?
255
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,920
I teach you
transferable life skills,
256
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,800
like the rap from
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
257
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,680
In West Philadelphia,
born and raised...
258
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,000
Please, not again.
259
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,600
Stop it.
260
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,720
Oh!
261
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,920
Please help me! I hate 2J!
262
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,760
One of them made me...
fellate a Pritt Stick.
263
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,560
My mouth's still gluey.
264
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,160
Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell?
Flirt your way out of it.
265
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,720
You can practise on me, if you like.
266
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,600
Please, Chantelle!
267
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,640
I would have to try
literally everything
268
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,240
before I resorted
to flirting with Pickwell.
269
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,480
Hey, Izz.
You're looking pretty fit today.
270
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,240
How do you get that lovely
natural glow to your skin?
271
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,800
Pumice and bleach. What do you want?
272
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,760
Just wanted to ask you a question.
273
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,760
Are you from Tennessee?
274
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,600
Cos you're the only
ten-ah-see.
275
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,960
Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,
276
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,480
turn my onesie into a twosie?
277
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,160
Hey, was your dad a thief?
278
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,040
No, he was a butcher
in East Kilbride.
279
00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:00,880
Because he stole the stars
and put them in your eyes.
280
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,600
Was your father a surgeon, because he
stole the brain of an ape
281
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,680
and put it into the body
of a hairy little girl.
282
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:13,760
Come, come, Iso-bel,
there's no need to be like that.
283
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,960
Oh, silly me.
284
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,880
30 minutes. Me on top.
285
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,880
Penetrative.
286
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,040
Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,
287
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,840
should you wish to screw
your way out of this.
288
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,400
Oh, and biting.
289
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,600
Lots and lots of biting.
290
00:16:54,920 --> 00:17:00,200
# Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
291
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,600
# We could never get free
292
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,760
# I just wanna be
I just wanna be
293
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:11,080
# Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
294
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,720
# We could never get free
I just wanna be
295
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,920
# Look at me
296
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,000
# I just can't believe
297
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,720
♪ I just wanna dream,
dream... ♪
298
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,520
Yo, alpha male!
299
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,160
Hey, you know Kevin DJs?
He's coming round mine later.
300
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,000
I'm gonna play my mash-up of Chaka Khan
and Chaka Demus and Pliers.
301
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,200
It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan.
Are you in?
302
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,200
Oh, God, no, I can't.
303
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,720
I've got to go home tonight and run a
bath to slit my wrists in
304
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,560
because someone gave my class away to
some stupid American
305
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:50,200
that they've all fallen in love with and
I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.
306
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,880
Why have you got a recorder?
307
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,040
Well, I read this article
308
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,520
written by a freelance pest
control expert in Germany.
309
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,680
From what I could gather,
310
00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:00,520
his method for drawing the rats away
from the villagers was this...
311
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,160
The Pied Piper?
312
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,360
Yeah, the Pied Piper!
You know him? Hm!
313
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,720
Mitchell, what are you guys doing?
314
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,600
I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend
Mr Schwimer his skateboard.
315
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,360
Oi, catch the rugger
ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.
316
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,400
Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?
317
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,760
Er, I can't.
No, I mean, with my knees!
318
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,600
I mean, they're just in super
real bad shape, you know,
319
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,960
after the marathon.
320
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,960
Don't be a pussy, sir!
Yeah, go on, sir!
321
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,240
I bet you're amazing at it.
I'll do a trick.
322
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,960
Well, yeah! Yeah,
Mr Wickers will do the trick!
323
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,640
Can you skate?
Tony Hawkes, intermediate.
324
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,360
Gaming don't make you a skater,
you melt.
325
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,000
Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit
for breakfast, Mitchell.
326
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,920
Just give me the board, dickhead.
327
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,520
And stand back, kids -
328
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,600
this school's insurance policy
doesn't cover blown minds.
329
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,280
Hash-tag this shit gonna be cray.
330
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,920
This shit gonna be
50 shades of cray.
331
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,640
Wick-ers, Wick-ers,
Wick-ers, Wick-ers!
332
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,120
Oh! Oh, shit!
333
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,720
You OK, buddy?
334
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,320
Am I dead?
335
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,560
Oh, Mother Theresa,
where did it all go wrong?
336
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,280
Sir?
337
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,280
Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?
338
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,440
Mr Schwimer's friend
from the British Museum
339
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,080
lent him some weapons and armour.
340
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,040
They're all outside doing a Civil War
re-enactment.
341
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,200
Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?
342
00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:11,100
I need to talk to you
about something.
343
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:13,500
My Dzenga?
Do you remember when
344
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,200
we used this to run through
9/11 conspiracy theories?
345
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:20,036
See? Still
got the FBI dynamite on it.
346
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:24,400
Look! It's all the Jews that
didn't go into work that day.
347
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,938
Take it. Something
to remember me by.
348
00:20:28,339 --> 00:20:31,039
You're not dying.
- Inside I am, Jing.
349
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:34,300
But it's all right.
I understand.
350
00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:36,060
I have to let you go.
351
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:37,940
Just promise me this.
352
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:41,460
Don't ever let that man
patronise you.
353
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:45,860
Look! My suffragette glove puppets!
"Please give me the vote. "
354
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,740
"Watch out for the horsey!"
355
00:20:49,140 --> 00:20:52,060
Listen. Mr Schwimer
isn't who he says he is.
356
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:55,380
Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,
357
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:59,100
he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth
Junior the Third.
358
00:20:59,140 --> 00:21:01,220
But he isn't perfect!
359
00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:06,420
Look at this photo.
Something's not right.
360
00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:07,500
Look.
361
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:11,500
Oh, my god. The jogger behind him
has a semi.
362
00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:13,420
No, Mr Schwimer.
363
00:21:13,460 --> 00:21:14,980
Mr Schwimer's got a semi?
364
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:16,220
The hand!
365
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:20,740
That's a wedding ring -
and it's a ladies arm.
366
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,220
Mr Schwimer isn't married...
or a lady.
367
00:21:23,260 --> 00:21:25,700
I knew there was something
wrong with him from the start.
368
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:28,820
It's his eyes, right?
Too close together. No!
369
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:31,060
He said he went
to Harvard, California,
370
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,780
but Harvard's in
Massachusetts.
371
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:36,220
And did you see how reluctant
the pro skater was in doing a trick?
372
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:38,340
Why are you helping me, Jing?
373
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:42,500
Because I love this class. It's just not
the same without you.
374
00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:46,660
You're an idiot, but you're also a nice,
kind man.
375
00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:51,500
Let's destroy this bastard's life.
376
00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:53,860
It's mash-up time, dedicated to my new
best buddy,
377
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:57,500
two time Superbowl winning
champion Mr Schwimer.
378
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:23,900
And one of my ancestors actually fought
in the Battle of Agincourt.
379
00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:25,580
Oi! Kevin.
380
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:26,780
Yo, G.
381
00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:28,300
Mr Wickers to you, mate.
382
00:22:28,340 --> 00:22:29,580
It's time you confessed.
383
00:22:29,620 --> 00:22:31,140
Let me see your arms.
384
00:22:31,180 --> 00:22:32,420
My arms?
385
00:22:32,460 --> 00:22:36,380
Oh, mi lud,
stick a shilling up me chuffer!
386
00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:39,580
This is another one of your
dry, British irony jokes, right?
387
00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:41,620
Stop trying to rape
Mr Schwimer, sir.
388
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,140
Shut up, Mitchell!
389
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,180
Are those your arms?
390
00:22:46,220 --> 00:22:47,540
Yes.
391
00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:49,740
They look pretty feminine to me.
392
00:22:49,780 --> 00:22:51,020
I have slim arms.
393
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:55,060
Slim, hairless,
married ladies' arms?
394
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:56,860
Yes. Oh, funny that,
395
00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:00,260
cos didn't you win a gold medal in
the Olympic rowing, right?
396
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:01,540
Um...
397
00:23:01,580 --> 00:23:04,940
The US team won bronze,
and you weren't in it.
398
00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:06,780
I don't even remember saying that.
399
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:09,460
You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.
400
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:12,500
Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.
401
00:23:12,540 --> 00:23:14,900
Don't bring the war into this!
You weren't there, man.
402
00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:19,500
No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because
there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.
403
00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:21,220
You're a pathological liar.
404
00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:23,780
So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to
say for yourself?
405
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:26,820
Spit it out. We're all ears.
406
00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:35,580
Sure, I exaggerate a bit.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
407
00:23:35,620 --> 00:23:37,740
I just wanted you to like me.
408
00:23:37,780 --> 00:23:42,940
Oh, God, a teacher
craving his pupils' approval?
409
00:23:42,980 --> 00:23:46,300
Pathetic. Go on, piss off.
410
00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:47,780
So it was all lies?
411
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:49,140
You never won the Superbowl?
412
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:50,580
You don't know Ashton?
413
00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:52,820
I'll never meet Demi.
414
00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:54,100
It's all fake.
415
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:59,540
The stories, the Harvard education,
this stupid plastic armour.
416
00:24:00,980 --> 00:24:03,700
What? Yeah, these shitty little toy
guns.
417
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:06,100
Please be careful!
Those are actually antique.
418
00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:09,260
Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a
buddy at the British Museum!
419
00:24:11,020 --> 00:24:12,580
Argh!
420
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:16,540
They were loaded! Are you insane?
421
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,220
They weren't supposed to be fired!
422
00:24:18,260 --> 00:24:20,620
You shot him in the arse!
Brilliant!
423
00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:22,140
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
424
00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:25,500
Don't worry, Joe, it's just
a little flesh wound.
425
00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:27,020
HELP! HELP!
426
00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:30,380
Someone go and get help.
Does anyone know first aid?
427
00:24:30,420 --> 00:24:31,860
I do. Really?
428
00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,700
No. Oh, Jesus!
429
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:35,860
Sir, you're meant to suck
the bullet out.
430
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:37,660
No, you idiot,
you're meant to piss on it.
431
00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:40,380
That's jellyfish, you tit!
Wait - that is jellyfish, right?
432
00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:41,820
Lie on your front.
433
00:24:41,860 --> 00:24:46,300
No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it,
I'm desperate, anyway. No, sir!
434
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,780
Joe, just a quick one.
435
00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:51,340
You know the way your mum's not a
massive fan of mine,
436
00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:53,780
if she asks about this -
she might not -
437
00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:56,980
could you maybe tell her that you sat on
the bullet? Argh!
438
00:24:57,020 --> 00:25:00,060
Wrong moment. Help! HELP!
439
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:01,860
Sir literally gave him
a new arsehole.
440
00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:03,980
Why is no-one coming?
Pass me the other gun!
441
00:25:04,020 --> 00:25:05,620
Gonna put him
out of his misery, sir?
442
00:25:05,660 --> 00:25:08,340
No, distress signal. Give it here.
443
00:25:14,580 --> 00:25:18,020
Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!
444
00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:21,060
Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead,
please don't be dead.
445
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:23,500
One two, one two.
446
00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:26,180
Come on, Rumsfeld.
Don't fly towards the light.
447
00:25:26,220 --> 00:25:28,580
Pickwell's coming. Oh, no!
448
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,380
Right, if anyone asks,
Kevin fired the guns.
449
00:25:37,420 --> 00:25:39,100
Yup. Sure. Definitely.
That's a lie!
450
00:25:39,140 --> 00:25:41,380
Is it a lie?
Or am I just exaggerating?
451
00:25:42,620 --> 00:25:44,100
My baby!
452
00:25:44,140 --> 00:25:45,340
I heard gunshots!
453
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:48,940
The man of steel is here
to save the day.
454
00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:53,060
Are you OK, sweetheart?
455
00:25:53,100 --> 00:25:54,540
My bum hurts.
456
00:25:54,580 --> 00:25:55,780
Not for the first time.
457
00:25:55,820 --> 00:25:59,300
Keep pressure on the wound.
What have you done?
458
00:26:00,980 --> 00:26:05,540
It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver.
I fired the gun by mistake.
459
00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:09,660
See, you told me my kids wouldn't take
a bullet for me, but...
460
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:12,580
Joe's a hero, miss. He threw
his arse in front of the bullet!
461
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:15,740
Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner
in The Bodyguard.
462
00:26:15,780 --> 00:26:18,900
Forget about the boy!
Rumsfeld!
463
00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:21,340
This man has lied about everything!
464
00:26:21,380 --> 00:26:24,420
Except for the bit about
shooting Joe. I'm a fraud.
465
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:26,820
But what about my mash-ups?
You said you liked them?
466
00:26:26,860 --> 00:26:28,100
I didn't really.
467
00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:29,740
You're dead to me.
468
00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:33,140
When we confronted him, he freaked out
and turned the gun on Joe.
469
00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:35,180
And then he reloaded
to shoot your pigeon.
470
00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:37,780
I have a problem.
I can't help lying.
471
00:26:37,820 --> 00:26:41,220
I say one thing
and then it just spirals.
472
00:26:41,260 --> 00:26:44,740
I'm not even
from America. I'm from Birmingham.
473
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:46,300
Not even Birmingham, actually.
474
00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:51,540
Dudley, near Tipton, you know,
off the A4123.
475
00:26:51,580 --> 00:26:53,220
Sorry, everyone.
476
00:26:53,260 --> 00:26:56,340
Now I've been honest, can we be buddies?
I've got a jetpack.
477
00:26:56,380 --> 00:26:59,380
I flew to France on it,
all the way... Brrrrrr!
478
00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:01,060
D'you want to have a go?
479
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:02,180
I'll have a go.
480
00:27:04,300 --> 00:27:06,500
He's lying again, isn't he?
481
00:27:06,540 --> 00:27:09,140
If you ever set foot
on these premises again,
482
00:27:09,180 --> 00:27:12,580
I will personally send you back to
Dudley piece by piece.
483
00:27:12,620 --> 00:27:14,180
Starting with these.
484
00:27:19,860 --> 00:27:22,500
Does this mean
we get Mr Wickers back?
485
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:23,940
I think it does.
486
00:27:23,980 --> 00:27:25,780
Yes!
487
00:27:25,820 --> 00:27:28,420
That's right, kids,
Daddy's back for good.
488
00:27:28,460 --> 00:27:32,980
And I will never, ever let you get put
in danger again,
489
00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:36,620
because I am here
to protect you children.
490
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:41,380
23rd October, 1942.
The tank battle of El-Alamein.
491
00:27:41,420 --> 00:27:44,100
Rommel, ready?
492
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:46,380
Monty, ready?
493
00:27:46,420 --> 00:27:48,780
Three, two, one!
494
00:27:56,100 --> 00:27:57,820
Oh, fuck!
495
00:28:00,820 --> 00:28:04,820
Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com
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