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I love you, Billy.

I love you too, Mommy.

Night-night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'll see you in the morning light.

I love you.

They're going to make me
an assistant art director.

So Kenny says:

"You get yourself a Burberry coat.

If you're gonna be Madison Avenue,
you have to look it."

Saturday afternoon, I go out,
and it's cold.

I go to this place
that specializes in Burberrys...

...and say, "I want a Burberry coat,
37 short."

They put it on,
and I look beautiful in it.

I say, "I'll buy it."

And right then, I start to sweat.

I take my checkbook out, start to
sign the check, and my hand shakes...

...because I'm so scared.

- Good night.
- Where you going?

- I gotta get home.
- Oh, Jesus, I gotta go.

Okay, so let me finish.

So I sign it,
and my hand starts shaking...

Who is this? Danny, right?
Taxi!

- Come on, I gotta tell you something.
- I can't. I gotta get home.

Gotta talk to you
about something important.

I'm putting you in charge
of the Mid-Atlantic account.

By the end of the year, we'll
have them up to 10 million.

If this campaign works out the way
I know it will...

...they'll offer me a partnership.

That's terrific!

When that happens, I just want you
to know I'm taking you along.

Wow! Wow! That's terrific.

Joanna.

I'm home.

I forgot my keys. I gotta call
the office before they go.

Jo, you're gonna be real proud
of me. I got good news.

- Ted.
- One second. Let me just do this.

You know Jack Edwards in accounting?
He committed suicide.

Yeah, hi. Ted Kramer.

I gotta get those photos from
the retoucher by tomorrow morning.

- I'm leaving you.
- Honey, please. I can't hear.

Okay, you too. Thanks a lot.
See you tomorrow.

Did you guys eat?

I'm leaving you.

Here are my keys.

Here's my American Express,
my Bloomingdale's card...

...my checkbook. I've taken
$2000 out of our savings account.

That's what I had when we got married.

- Is this a joke?
- Here's the cleaning, laundry ticket.

You can pick them both up
on Saturday.

- You. You have to pick them up.
- What's wrong?

I paid the rent, the Con Ed bill,
and the phone bill, so...

You really pick your times to...

I'm sorry I was late, but I was
busy making a living, all right?

Come on, okay? Can we stop now?

So that's everything.

Enough, enough. All right?

What are you doing?

Where are you going? Just tell me
what I did that's so terrible.

- It's not you.
- Then what?

It's me. It's my fault.

You married the wrong person.

- I can't hack it.
- Let's just go inside.

I can't, I tried.
I swear...

Joanna, please, just... I'm sorry.

- No, please don't make me go in there.
- I just want to talk.

If you do, I swear, one day...

...I'll go right out the window.
- Oh, please.

Come on, now. What about Billy?

I'm not taking him with me.
I'm no good for him.

I'm terrible with him.

I have no patience.

He's better off without me.

Joanna, please.

And I don't love you anymore.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Hi, Margaret. This is Ted.
Is my wife there?

Yeah. Joanna come in?

We had a little fight. I thought
she might have stopped by.

If she comes in, tell her to come up
or just give me a ring.

Don't worry. She didn't take
her suitcase. She won't get very far.

I got work to do.
If she comes in, tell her to call me.

It's about time.

Joanna, that's the most insensitive...
Hi, Margaret.

- She packed a suitcase?
- Look, it's nothing serious, really.

She tell you where she was going?

- You tell me.
- How would I know? I wasn't here.

Clearly, you two had many
talks about my shortcomings...

...which I haven't been privy to.
And I'd love to talk...

...but I have a major presentation
in the morning...

...and I gotta get my work done.
So please allow me...

You don't realize
we have a serious problem.

Wrong. Me. I got the problem.
All you gotta do is...

...go out the door and go back to bed.

- The fact is...
- For six months...

...I've been spitting blood to get
this agency its biggest account.

And at five, we got it.

At eight, the vice president tells me
I'll be the next creative director.

I come through this door
to share with my wife...

...one of the five best days
of my life, and she looks at me...

...and tells me she doesn't want
to live with me!

Can't you understand
what she's done to me?

She loused up one of the five
best days of your life.

You're terrific. Boy, you're...

Thanks very much, really.

Sisterhood.

Thank you for coming
to cheer me up, but...

I didn't come to cheer you up.

I'm concerned about Joanna.

Maybe you can be concerned
in the privacy of your own apartment.

Joanna and I never had any problems
until you and Charley split up.

Oh, I don't believe you.

Just tell me the truth, okay?

Did you set her up to this?

No, I didn't put her up to this.

- Give her a little pep talk?
- No, I didn't.

Joanna and I talk a great deal.

And Joanna is a very unhappy woman.

And it took a lot of courage for her
to walk out of here.

How much courage does it take
to walk out on your kid?

Where's Mommy?

- What?
- Where's Mommy?

What time is it?

The little hand's on the 7, the big
hand's on the 9. Where's Mommy?

Oh, God. Okay, I'm gonna tell you.
You want to know where Mommy is?

- She's supposed to take me to school.
- She told me to do it.

Okay, I'll tell you where she went.

You know when you and your friends
don't get along and fight?

And you want to go and be alone
for a while?

Sometimes Mommy and Daddy
don't get along...

...and one of them wants to go
and be by themselves for a while.

- When is Mommy coming back?
- Soon.

Now we are gonna have breakfast!
Okay? Just you and me.

- What do you want?
- French toast.

You want French toast, you got it.

Put up a little water for Daddy
to have some coffee.

We got how many eggs?
Two for you and two for me.

We got milk.

We got butter.

We got $5.

I got $5.
Here, you sit here.

Okay, can you be
my number one helper?

Watch this. One hand.

Here we go.

Did you know that all
the best chefs are men?

Isn't this terrific?
We gotta do this more often.

- You dropped some shell in it.
- That's okay.

Makes it crunchier.
You like it crunchy, don't you?

Why don't you beat them,
and I'll get everything else going.

- What time is school?
- 8:30.

Gotta get the show on the road.
I gotta shower, shave and shampoo.

I got people to see.

And Daddy's gotta bring home
the bacon...

...and he's gotta cook it.

We're having a good time!
Where does Mommy keep the..?

- In the stove.
- The pan. The stove.

First, we need a nice fire.

No, you're not doing it right.

Look, you gotta do it fast. See?
It's the wrist.

So the gucky part dissolves.

Then you take the bread, and we...

We...

We fold the French toast.
That's what we do.

- I think you forgot milk.
- I didn't. Milk comes last.

When you're having a good time
you forget things.

I just wanted to see
if you're paying attention.

Fun, isn't it? When's the last
time Mommy let you in the kitchen?

I don't like it in pieces.

It tastes the same whether it's in
pieces or whole. Bread is bread.

Besides, French toast
is always folded.

In the best restaurants,
you see folded French toast.

You get more bites that way.

And while that's going,
Daddy's gonna make coffee.

You having a good time?

I don't remember the last
time I had such a good time.

Daddy's gonna make himself coffee.

- That's too much!
- No, I like it strong.

Mommy always makes it too weak.

Can I have some orange juice?

Right. One OJ coming up
for the kid.

Daddy, it's burning!

- What?
- It's burning!

Damn it! Goddamn her!

Oh, shit.

Just take it easy.
Everything is fine. We're terrific.

Just...

Just take it easy.
Nothing is the matter.

- What?
- Your hand's sweaty.

- When's Mommy coming back?
- Soon. I told you.

- Is she gonna pick me up?
- Probably. If she doesn't, I will.

- What if you forget?
- I won't.

- What if you get run over?
- Mommy will pick you up.

- Miss! What grade are you in?
- First.

This is Billy Kramer.
He's in first grade.

Take care of him. I gotta
get a taxi, I'm late. Taxi!

Taxi!

- Congratulations about Mid-Atlantic.
- Thanks.

- Congratulations.
- Is the stuff back from the retoucher?

- Great news, Ted.
- Thanks a lot.

Morning. 11:00, meeting
with Airwick...

- Where's the stuff from the retoucher?
- Right here.

- Did my wife call?
- No.

You're gonna have to cancel
the Airwick at 11:30.

She's never gone this far before,
but in the past...

...I've known
when she's upset because...

...she gets very quiet.

Our pattern has been that I've said,
"What's the matter?"...

...and she'll kind of sit on it.

But in the last few weeks,
maybe couple of months...

...since we've been going crazy
with this account, I've been remiss.

And I just didn't look at the writing
on the wall, so she's kind of...

I think this is a way
of making me stop, look and say:

"I'm as important as your work."

Is there another guy?

I don't think so.
She's not the type.

She's got this friend, Margaret,
downstairs...

...you know, women's lib.
I think they may have cooked this up.

It worked.

I'm going crazy!

Look, not to worry.

She'll be back.

I didn't know it would happen to me!

Don't let it get you down.

I know she'll be back.
I'm terrific, really.

- You do have a problem, Ted.
- Yeah, what's that?

What are you gonna do about Billy?

This just happened last night.
I'm sure when Joanna comes back...

It's none of my business.
I'll butt out.

Listen, I want to hear your thoughts.

I appreciate you
taking the time to talk to me.

May sound a little rough, but...

...I think you ought to send Billy away
to stay with relatives for a while.

You mean, until Joanna comes back?

Suppose Joanna doesn't come back?

Gee, I don't know...

Ted, listen to me.

I just told the boys upstairs you're
handling the Mid-Atlantic account.

You know? A gig like that comes
along once every five, six years.

There's guys here eating their hearts
out because I gave that spot to you.

This is important. Don't blow this.

I gotta depend on you. I gotta count
on you for 110 percent...

...7 days a week, 24 hours a day.
I gotta have that.

I can't be concerned about you
worrying about a kid.

First, you can count on me
25 hours a day, 8 days a week.

Because I'm not a loser, Jim.

I never let anything at home
come into the office.

You asked me to unload in this office.

When I go outside, I'm on top of it.
I want you to know that.

I'm a survivor.

You've given me a shot here.
I'm not gonna let anything blow it.

Okay?

Let's have a drink later.
I'm all right. I gotta...

...blow smoke up Airwick's ass, 11:00.

I'm all right!

You don't worry.

Thank you.

I love you, you bastard.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Yeah, honey, just wait a second.
I just want to finish this idea.

Let me get this copy done,
and then I'll talk.

What time is it when an elephant
sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

Honey, please...
I just got this sentence.

Daddy! Daddy!

Goddamn it! Goddamn it!

Get over there and sit
on that couch and don't move!

I knew this was gonna happen!
I knew it!

Who told you not to drink
this stuff here?

- Sorry.
- Yeah, you're sorry.

Told you to keep that juice
in the dining room!

Sorry.

Who took you to the park, gave you
everything you wanted?

- Who bought you an ice cream?
- You.

And who promised Daddy that when
we got home, you'd let him work?

- That's ruined. I can't fix that.
- Sorry.

It's past your bedtime.
Why don't you go to sleep?

And brush your teeth
and flush the toilet.

- Paper towels. What else?
- We need detergent.

All right.

No, Mommy buys the kind
with the orange circles on it.

- There's no difference.
- Mom said it was the best.

- Let's go.
- Get the pink stuff.

All right, come on.

Okay. That's it.

We need some cereal.

Okay, what color?

Hey, Billy!

Billy! Told you Mommy would write
before the week was up.

- When is she coming back?
- That's what we're gonna find out now.

Okay. Let's read it.

"My dearest, sweet Billy."

That's you.

"Mommy has gone away.

Sometimes in the world...

...daddies go away...

...and mommies bring up
their little boys.

But sometimes, a mommy
can go away too...

...and you have your daddy
to bring you up.

I have gone away
because I must find...

...something interesting to do
for myself in the world.

Everybody has to, and so do I.

Being your mommy was one thing,
but there are other things too...

...and this is what I have to do.

I did not get a chance
to tell you this...

...and that is why
I'm writing you now.

I will always be your mommy...

...and I will always love you.

I just won't be your mommy
in the house...

...but I'll be your mommy
at the heart.

And now I must go
and be the person I have to be."

We'll read this another time.

I don't care.

- Good night, Jim.
- Come on in.

- Have a drink.
- I can't, I'm late now.

What's the rush? We're having
a party for Norman. Five years here.

Can you believe it?

Wish I could, but I'm late.
I gotta pick up Billy.

You know Jerry Hoover, in media?

Tell you something funny.

Gotta go. See you Monday.

Taxi!

Taxi!

- Here, keep the change.
- Thanks.

Hi, Mrs. Kline. I'm sorry I'm late.

That's all right, but Billy is upset.

Hey, how's it going, sport?

I had a little trouble
getting away from the office.

Sorry. Come on, let's get going.

Thanks for coming, Billy.
Oh, wait a minute.

- Don't forget your goody bag.
- Thanks very much.

- Bye.
- Thanks a lot.

- So, did you have a lot of fun?
- You're late.

- I'm not that late. Only 20 minutes.
- Want to bet?

All the other mothers were there
before you.

Why are you making such a big deal
of it? There was traffic.

If you want to be a big boy...

...you learn that when somebody says
they're sorry...

...you don't hold a grudge
and make them feel bad for...

...a long time afterwards.

Okay, go ahead.

Don't eat with your fingers.
Come on, Billy.

You know better than that.
Here.

Use a fork.

Come on, come on.
Sit up, sit up, sit up.

How was school today?

Same as usual.

I see the Knicks finally won a game.

I don't care.

What do you mean?

- I like Boston.
- Boston? Why do you like Boston?

Because Mommy's from Boston.

Sit up and try to eat. Come on.

Can I be excused?
I want to go to bed.

Too much birthday cake?

Yeah, I guess.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Louise, give me a hand.

You're 15 minutes late.

- Mr. O'Connor is very upset.
- This all of it?

- Yes. Do you want your mail now?
- No, just give me the messages.

Remind me to get
a Crying Chrissie doll at lunch.

Okay, okay.

Sorry I'm late.

And there's a PTA meeting
at the school on Tuesday at 4.

Right, thanks.

Put the chicken in the refrigerator.

Know who Charley's seeing now?

Who?

A divorced woman with two little girls
the same age as Kim and Petey.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

How do you know?

I know.

How long has it been since
you two broke up?

Year and a half.

That long?

Did I ever tell you how sorry...

...how sad Joanna and I were
when you guys split?

Look at that cute little boy
over there.

You think you'll ever
get married again?

- I mean, to anybody.
- No.

Why?

Maybe it's different if you don't
have children, but...

...even if Charley and I aren't living
together, and even if we're...

...sleeping with other people, even
if he were to get married again...

...he's still my husband...

...and he's still the father of my
children and...

That stuff about "till death do you
part," that's really true.

Let's say Charley finishes
his midlife crisis...

...he's had it with his flings
and comes asking for forgiveness.

What would you do?

I think that if he really loved me...

...he wouldn't have let me
divorce him.

You still think about him, don't you?

Only all the time.

- Think about Joanna?
- Never.

Liar.

Some pair, boy.

I don't believe it.

- You missed the closing.
- I'm sorry.

Look, I gotta tell you something.
I'm getting very nervous here.

Ever since your wife left you.
Is it eight months now?

You're not getting any better.

What do you mean?

Look, I can't let your family problems
interfere with my responsibilities.

I got a shop to run.

I regret it, and I promise you
it will never happen again.

Okay?

Yeah?

Yeah, wait a minute.

- It's for you, pick up 461.
- Who is it?

Pick up 461.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Billy. What's up?

No, one hour of television a day.
That's the rule.

No.

I don't care what the other
mothers do, Billy. We made a deal.

I can't talk now. I'm busy.

We will talk about it tonight
when I get home, all right?

Double chocolate chip. I remember.

I'm getting very nervous.

Put that down and eat your dinner.

What is this crap?

- It's Salisbury steak.
- I hate it.

You had it last week and you loved it.

No, I didn't. I hate the brown
stuff. It's gross.

- It's onions and gravy.
- I'm allergic to onions.

You are not.
You had this last week...

...and I said it was my favorite and you
said, "It's my favorite too."

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

It's regular hamburger.

Take a bite. It's delicious.

What's the matter?

I'm gonna throw up.

- No, you're not.
- It's yucky.

It is not yucky, Billy. Eat it.

Did you bring the chocolate chip
ice cream home?

Yes, I brought the chocolate chip
ice cream home...

...and you can't have it until
you eat all your dinner...

Where are you going?
Get back here now.

Did you hear me?

You'd better not do that.

You'd better stop right there.
I'm warning you.

Did you hear me?

Now, you listen to me.
Don't be smart.

Put that back until you finish
your dinner.

If you take one bite out of that,
you're in trouble.

Don't you dare.
Don't you dare do that.

You hear me? Hold it right there.

You put that ice cream in your mouth
and you are in very big trouble.

Don't you dare go anywhere
beyond that. Put it down.

I am not going to say it again.
I am not going to say it again.

You're hurting me!

Don't you kick me.

- I hate you!
- You're no bargain either, pal.

You are a spoiled little brat!

- I hate you!
- I hate you back, you little shit!

- I want my mommy!
- I'm all you've got.

I want my mommy!

I want my mommy!

I want my mommy!

Mommy...

Daddy?

Daddy?

- Yeah?
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

I want you to go to sleep
because it's really late.

Daddy?

Now what is it?

Are you going away?

No.

I'm staying here with you.
You can't get rid of me that easy.

That's why Mommy left, isn't it?
Because I was bad?

Is that what you think?

No.

That's not it, Billy.
Your mom loves you very much...

...and the reason she left has
nothing to do with you.

I don't know if this will make sense,
but I'll try to explain it to you.

I think the reason why Mommy left...

...was because for a long time...

...I kept trying to make her be
a certain kind of person.

A certain kind of wife that
I thought she was supposed to be.

And she just wasn't like that.
She was...

She just wasn't like that.

I think that she tried for so long
to make me happy...

...and when she couldn't,
she tried to talk to me about it.

But I wasn't listening.
I was too busy, too wrapped up...

...just thinking about myself.

And I thought that anytime
I was happy, she was happy.

But I think underneath
she was very sad.

Mommy stayed here
longer than she

wanted because she
loves you so much.

And the reason why Mommy
couldn't stay anymore...

...was because she couldn't stand me.

She didn't leave because of you.
She left because of me.

Go to sleep now because
it's really late, okay?

Good night.

- Sleep tight.
- Don't let the bedbugs bite.

See you in the morning light.

- Daddy?
- Yeah?

I love you.

I love you too.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Ladies and gentlemen...

...welcome to our Halloween Pageant.

...welcome to our Halloween Pageant.

- With gruesome goblins.
- With gruesome goblins.

And ghostly ghosts.

And wicked witches
and spooky spooks.

Tom, you and I both know
it's a violation of privacy laws.

Tom, you and I both know
it's a violation of privacy laws.

Look, it doesn't make any difference.
It's name or likeness.

I don't care. Tell them if they
want it, they have to pay for it.

All right, bye-bye.

Hello, Kramer.

Can you check the copy
on Mid-Atlantic?

I think it's okay.

Yes.

Yes, what?

I'll have dinner with you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, shit!

- I gotta go.
- What's the matter?

I gotta go.

- Want me to call a cab?
- No, I've got an 8:00 meeting.

- Where you going?
- Bathroom.

That's a closet.
Bathroom's over there.

Yeah, you're right.

These morons are violating the FTC
regulations, and I have to make sure...

Hi.

- What's your name?
- I'm Phyllis Bernard.

Who?

I'm a friend, uh, business associate
of your father's.

Oh, Jesus.

- Do you like fried chicken?
- Fried chicken? Very much.

So do I.

Well, it's really...

It's nice seeing you and...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Kramer, I just met your son.

Come on, you're never going to do
this if you don't concentrate.

All right, come on. Thattaboy.
Get your center.

Okay? How's it feel?

Good.

Keep it going, keep it going!
That's terrific!

Don't stop! Billy, keep your
feet moving!

Oh, that's terrific.
How do you feel?

- Good!
- You look great!

Don't go too far!

- Yeah?
- And so the dog really hurt Tom.

So Tom got so mad, he jumped in
the potato salad...

...and he pushed over the table.

Yeah?

- Then...
- Let me get your shoelace.

Then what happened?

The big dog kept chasing him,
then he flipped the table.

- With all the stuff coming down?
- Yeah.

Then what happened?

I don't want to be late for school.

Here's your homework. Give me a kiss.

- Hi, Tommy.
- Hi.

Taxi!

Hi.

Your babysitter answers,
wouldn't say where you were.

Your babysitter answers,
wouldn't say where you were.

Tell me where you were.

Well...

...my French professor finally
asked me out.

- When?
- The other day.

You had a date.

I knew you were keeping
something from me!

- I thought he was a pretty neat guy.
- Right.

- So we go to dinner.
- Yeah?

I find out he's married.

He's deep in analysis.

- He's telling me his life story...
- Wonderful!

...and all I can think of
while I sit there...

...is that I'm paying a babysitter
$3.25 an hour...

...to listen to his problems.

Daddy! Daddy, look!

- Take that out of your hand.
- I'll get him.

Did you hear me?

Hold it, hold it!

It hurts, Daddy.

- Daddy, hurry.
- Okay.

- I can't see, Daddy.
- Rest your head.

Watch it!

Daddy, please hurry.

- We're almost there.
- Can't see in my eye.

Let me see.
Where's the emergency room?!

How did this happen?

He fell off the jungle gym.

He had a plane in his hand.

I'm just about through.

- Don't hurt him.
- I won't hurt him.

Mr. Kramer, can I talk to you outside?

Yeah. Can she come in?

Margaret, come in.

- Stay, Daddy.
- I'll be right back.

- Daddy, stay.
- I'm just outside.

It's all right, darling.

I'm just talking to the doctor.

He'll be right back.

I'm right here.

Will he lose his eye?

No, but I have to take some stitches.

How many?

- About 10.
- What?

Don't worry. There won't be
much of a scar.

This will take about 15 minutes,
so step over here.

I want to be in there with him.

- You don't need to be in there.
- He's my son.

If you're gonna do something,
I'm gonna be with him.

Good boy. You're really brave.

That was a big one.

Stop it.

Okay, we're almost done now.
We're almost done now.

How is he?

He's okay. He's sleeping.

It's okay. I can do that.

Ted, I'm so sorry.
I feel responsible.

I don't know what happened.

One minute he was there and the
next he was lying on the ground.

Come on, Margaret.

Now listen, I want
to ask you a favor, okay?

It's a big favor.

If something happened to me...
I'm not saying anything will...

- but if a building fell on me...

...would you consider
taking care of Billy?

I want you to know that I put
some thought into this...

...and I...

...can't think of anybody else
I would trust with him.

I know you'd be okay
with him because...

...you're a good mother.

You're a lousy dishwasher.

- All right?
- Okay.

You're all right.

Louise, you want to get that?

Louise, it's ringing...
Yeah, hello.

Yes, who is this?

Joanna.

Hi.

- Hi.
- How are you?

You look great.

- How's your?
- What?

- I'm sorry.
- I was saying, how's your job?

Fine. Vice president of nothing.

No, really, it's great.

- Would you like a drink?
- Whatever she has.

- White wine.
- Wine.

- How's Billy?
- He's terrific.

He had a little accident in a
playground. He cut himself.

It was scary.
I ran him to the hospital.

He has a little scar,
but he'll be fine.

I've been worrying
that it's my fault...

Don't do that. You can't even
see it from a distance.

I sit in the coffee shop across
from his school and watch him.

He got so big.

You've been watching him?

I've been in New York for
about two months now.

I didn't know that.

Anyway...

That's why I wanted
to talk to you today.

Last time you saw me,
I was in pretty bad...

- Shaky?
- Really bad shape.

Yeah, I was.

I was.

Well, you look lovely now.

- What?
- I have a whole speech.

Go ahead.

All my life I've felt like...

...somebody's wife or mother
or daughter.

Even when we were together
I never knew who I was.

That's why I had to go away.

In California, I think I found myself.

I got myself a job.

I got myself a therapist,
a really good one.

And I feel better about myself
than I ever have in my whole life.

I learned a lot about myself.

Such as?

No, really, I'd really like to
know what you learned.

I've learned
that I love my little boy.

And that I'm capable of taking
care of him.

What do you mean?

I want my son.

You can't have him.

Don't get defensive. Don't bully me.

I'm not getting defensive.

Who walked out 15 months ago?

I don't care. I'm still his mother.

From 3000 miles away.

Because you sent post cards gives
you the right to come back?

I never stopped wanting him.

What makes you sure he wants you?

What makes you sure he doesn't?

We're gonna sit here and
bat this back and forth.

- It's like old times.
- You can't deny me...

Don't tell me what I can or cannot do.

- Don't talk to me that way.
- I anticipated this.

Do what you have to.
I'll do what I have to.

I'm sorry about this.

Do what you have to do.

I don't know the legal jargon for it,
but I think it's "desertion."

I don't mean to tell you your job,
but I have an open-and-shut case.

There's no such thing as an open-and-
shut case where custody is involved.

I'll bet your ex-wife
has already found a lawyer...

...who's advised her to move back
to establish residency.

The burden is on us to prove
that your ex-wife is an unfit mother.

That means I'll have to play rough.
If I play rough...

...you can bet they will too.
Can you take that?

Yes.

And it's going to cost you $15,000.

That's if we win.

If we go to appeal,
it'll cost you more.

I understand.

Now, how old is the child again?

My son is 7.

- That's tough.
- Why?

In cases involving a child that young,
the court tends to side with her.

She signed over custody.

I'm not saying we don't have a shot,
but it won't be easy.

Do me a favor, will you?

There's something I find useful
in matters like this.

I sit down and I write out all
the pros and cons on an issue.

Write them and look at them.

- I want you to do that, okay?
- Okay.

And after that...

... if you're really certain
you want to retain custody...

... then we'll go in there
and beat the pants off them. Okay?

I love you, Billy. I know you're
sleeping and can't hear me.

I love you with all my heart.

Ted, you got a lunch?

Hi, Jim. I don't know. I was trying
to work this idea out here...

Good. I'll pick you up at 1:00.

Okay, you got it.

So the other morning,
I'm at the refrigerator...

...getting Billy ready for school.

I'm just in my underwear
and he notices I've lost weight.

He comes in and pats me.
He comes to here.

And he says, "Daddy, you've really
lost a lot of weight."

He looks up at me and he says,
"And it's all gone to your nose."

He was so cute. You know?

You know, kids.

It's delicious, want a taste?

- I'm full.
- It's good.

Listen, Ted...

...I had a call from a friend
of mine over at another agency.

The Mid-Atlantic people have
invited them to pitch the account.

Why?

They're not happy
with what we're doing.

I think you should have them over
and I'll give a little tap dance.

I got Norman working on it.

Norman?

You taking me off the account?

You don't like me anymore?

It's not quite that simple.

I think we're gonna have to
make a few changes here.

You're firing me?

Yeah, I'm letting you go, yes.

Why?

Now, look, Ted, this is
a very painful thing for me.

I've been getting a lot of pressure
from the guys upstairs.

There wasn't anything I could do.

I think it's better this way.

If I took your stripes...

...if I put you on a schlock account,
you'd hate it, and me for doing it.

This way it's a clean break.
That's the best thing.

You know my wife is fighting
for custody?

You know that we're going to court?

Do you know what my chances are
if I'm out of a job?

I understand that you're upset...

I don't want to beg, but I'm
asking you, please, as a friend.

I'm asking you.

You're an extremely bright guy.
You've got a hell of a talent.

You're gonna land on your feet.
You're gonna survive.

Teddy, look.

I know you may be short on cash.

No big hurry about paying this back.

Shame on you.

Daddy, the phone's ringing.

- Mr. Kramer?
- Yes.

- Hold on for Mr. Shaunessy.
- Ted.

John. What's happening?

They set the court date.
I just heard today it's January 9th.

I gotta tell you something.
I got fired today. They laid me off.

Yeah, I'm still here.
Ted, I won't lie to you.

We don't have a hope of winning
if you're out of work.

Yeah, listen, you tell that...

You tell that party and you tell
that party's attorney...

...that I want a delay.

Sorry, it's really too late.

- Fine. I'll have a job in 24 hours.
- How?

I'll have a job in 24 hours.

This is the worst time
to look for work.

It's the holidays. We'll have
something for you by mid-February.

- March, at the latest.
- I can't wait.

Mr. Kramer, it's December 22.

If you could just look
in your card catalogue.

I'll take anything.

There might be something
at Norman, Craig and Kummel.

What is it?

Something in the art department.

You'd go back on the board.

It's really a step down,
and a cut in salary of 5000.

You'll be happier if you wait.

Call them up, make an appointment
for me today at 4:00.

It's the Friday before Christmas.

It's still a workday.

Nobody's gonna want to...

Either you call them or I do.

If I call them up, you don't get
a commission. Right?

My, we are a hotshot, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

- Good afternoon.
- I'm Kramer. I have an appointment.

I did all of the copy on that one.

That was the most successful
ad campaign they ever had.

I did the idea, the layout
and most of the copy on that one.

Mr. Kramer, I must say,
this is very impressive.

I'd like to get back to you.

Is there someone I should see
before you come to your decision?

Mr. Spencer, our creative director.

Why don't you let me see him now?

He's leaving on vacation. I'll set
something up the moment he gets back.

- I think...
- Have a nice holiday.

I'd like to see him before he leaves.

- Mr. Kramer, I don't...
- I want this position very much.

Wait here.

Mr. Kramer, Mr. Spencer.

- How do you do?
- You got 10 minutes.

You do understand that the salary is
$4800 less than you were making?

Yes, I understand.

Why are you interested in a position
for which you're overqualified?

I need the job.

Let me think. I'll let Jack know
and he'll get in touch with you.

This is a one-day offer.

You saw my book,
you know I can handle the work.

You're gonna have
to let me know today,

not at the end of the holidays.

If you want me,
make a decision right now.

Could we talk privately for a moment?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Kramer, you got yourself a job.
Congratulations.

Really?

- Is he kidding?
- Welcome aboard.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thanks.

Merry Christmas.

Come on.

- What do you think?
- It's neat.

- I told you.
- Where is everybody?

It's Saturday, so very few people
come in because it's a day off.

Okay, push "up."

Push the top button.
Very top button.

Go ahead, jump.

- Look at that!
- Neat!

You didn't know you were so high.

What building is that?
That has the pointy top.

That's the Chrysler.

You proud of me?

How'd you get this job?

I told them I wanted it.
What's that say?

It says "Kramer."

Kramer. Who's that?

- That's us.
- That's right.

You want to see?

Wow!

- This is neat.
- You like it?

Careful, careful.

- I'm okay.
- Scare me.

What's that building?

That's the U.N. Building.
That's the East River.

Look across there. You see that?

That's Queens.
Look way, way down there.

- Know what that is?
- What?

- Brooklyn.
- Where you lived when you were a kid?

That's right,
and this is where I work.

Is this really your desk?

Are you gonna get remarried?

I hadn't thought about it.

Are you gonna marry Phyllis?

No, we're just good friends.

Are you and Mom ever
gonna get remarried?

No, Mommy and me will never
be remarried.

I bet if she saw this,
she'd remarry you.

You're a con artist. We made a deal.

You take a bath every night...

...and you wash that filthy hair
twice a week, right?

- Right?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Promise, or you're not going.

Did I have to
when Mommy was here?

I don't care what you had
to do when Mommy...

Did I, Dad? Did I?

Are you listening?

We'll talk about it tonight
when I get home, okay?

Come here, give me a kiss.

- What?
- You're a terrific kid.

He says, "There's the unicorn."

And he goes underneath there,
and he says:

"Crumbs, what's happening?

The air supply has stopped.

Thundering typhoons,
what are you doing?"

"Resting. It's tiring work,
you know."

What's the air supply?

When you got two tanks on your back
and you can't get any air...

...you can drown,
so he's gotta have that.

Ted, John Shaunessy.

Hi, what's up?

I got a call from your wife's lawyer.
She wants to see the kid.

- She wants what?
- She's the mother.

She's within her legal rights.

- How do I know she won't kidnap him?
- I don't think she'd bother...

...suing if she's gonna kidnap him.

Wait. I'm not so sure
about her mental health.

- What do you mean?
- She said she was seeing a shrink.

A psychiatrist.

Did you see her talk to walls?

I'm just saying, you know.

I'm just saying you don't
have a choice.

Have Billy at the boat pond
in Central Park, Saturday at 10.

- Do I have to?
- Yes.

Thanks very much.

Daddy, will you come on
and finish the story?

Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

What happens if the guy drowns?
How do they find him?

When you die, there's bubbles
that come up or something.

Where did I leave off?

You left off right there.

"Thundering typhoons..."

It's got an obstacle course and stuff.

- The cars go really fast.
- How much?

It's really neat.

It's neat.

- Come here, I want you to look...
- Okay, okay.

I'll have him back by 6.

You got so handsome.

Remember, we talked about it,
keep your answers short and succinct.

Just tell the truth and it'll be
all right. Believe me.

- She's here.
- Yeah, I know. I saw her.

Whatever you do, try not to become
emotional, no matter what he says.

You'll hear things that may upset you.
I don't want you to react.

Persons having business with the
Supreme Court, State of New York...

...special term part five,
draw nigh and ye shall be heard.

This court is now in session.
Judge Atkins presiding. All rise.

- Is the petitioner's attorney ready?
- I am, Your Honor.

I would like to call Joanna Kramer.

Motherhood, going for the throat.

You swear to tell the truth
and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Now, Mrs. Kramer, would you tell
the court how long you were married?

Eight years.

And would you describe those years
as happy?

The first two, yes.

But after that it became
increasingly difficult.

Mrs. Kramer, did you hold a job
before you were married?

Yes, I did.
When I first got out of Smith...

...I worked in the art department of
Mademoiselle magazine for years.

Did you continue to work
after you were married?

No. I did not.

Did you wish to?

Yes, but every time I talked to Ted...

To my ex-husband about it,
he wouldn't listen.

He refused to discuss it
in any serious way.

He said that I
probably couldn't get a job...

...that would pay enough
to hire a babysitter.

Tell me, are you employed
at the present time?

I'm a sportswear designer
here in New York.

And what is your present salary?

I make $31,000 a year.

Mrs. Kramer, do you love your child?

Yes, I do, very much.

And yet you chose to leave him.

Yes.

During the last five years
of our marriage...

...I was becoming more
and more unhappy.

More and more troubled.

And I really needed
somebody to help me...

...but when I turned to Ted, he just...

...wasn't there for me.

So we became more isolated
from one another...

...more and more separate.

He was very involved in his career.

And because of his attitude
towards my fears...

...and his inability
to deal with my feelings...

...I had come to have
almost no self-esteem.

I was scared and I was very unhappy.

In my mind I had no choice
but to leave.

At the time I left, I felt that
there was something wrong with me...

...and that my son would be
better off without me.

And it was only after I got
to California that I realized...

...after getting into therapy,
that I wasn't a terrible person.

And just because I needed some kind
of creative or emotional outlet...

...other than my child,
that didn't make me unfit.

I would like to submit in evidence
a report by Mrs. Kramer's therapist...

...Dr. Eleanor Freedman.

Objection, Your Honor.

The report is irrelevant
and not binding on the respondent.

Overruled.

Can you tell the court why
you are asking for custody?

Because he's my child...

...and because I love him.

I know I left my son.

I know that
that's a terrible thing to do.

Believe me, I have to live with that
every day of my life.

But in order to leave him...

...I had to believe it was
the only thing I could do...

...and that it was
the best thing for him.

I was incapable of functioning
in that home.

And I didn't know...

...what the alternative was...

...so I thought it was not best
that I take him with me.

However, I have since
gotten some help...

...and I have worked very, very hard
to become a whole human being.

I don't think I should be
punished for that.

I don't think my little boy
should be punished.

Billy's only 7 years old.

He needs me.

I'm not saying he doesn't
need his father...

...but I really believe
he needs me more.

I was his mommy
for five and a half years...

...and Ted took over that role
for 18 months.

But I don't know how anybody
can possibly believe...

...that I have less of a stake
in mothering that little boy...

...than Mr. Kramer does.

I'm his mother.

I'm his mother.

Thank you, Mrs. Kramer.

I have no further questions.

Now then, Mrs. Kramer...

...you say that you were married
for eight years, is that correct?

In all that time did your husband ever
strike you or physically abuse you?

No.

Did he ever strike or physically
abuse his child in any way?

Would you describe your husband
as an alcoholic?

A heavy drinker?

Was he unfaithful?

Did he ever fail
to provide for you in any way?

I can certainly see why you left him.

Objection.

How long do you plan to live
in New York, Mrs. Kramer?

Permanently.

How many boyfriends have you had,
permanently?

Objection on grounds of vagueness.

I'll allow it.

I don't recall.

More than three, less than 33,
permanently?

- Objection.
- Overruled.

The witness will answer, please.

Somewhere in between.

Do you have a lover now?

Your Honor, I would request a direct
answer to a direct question.

Does she have a lover?

I'll allow that.
The witness will answer, please.

Yes, I'm seeing someone now.

Is that... permanent?

I don't know.

We don't know
when you say permanently...

...if you plan to live in New York,
or keep your child, for that matter...

...since you've never done anything
that could be regarded as permanent.

Objection. I request the counsel be
prevented from harassing the witness.

Sustained.

I'll put it another way, counselor.

What was the longest personal
relationship in your life...

...outside of parents or girlfriends?

I suppose that would be my child.

Whom you've seen twice in a year.

Mrs. Kramer, your ex-husband...

...wasn't he the longest
personal relationship in your life?

Would you speak up?
I couldn't hear you.

Yes.

How long was that?

We were married a year
before the baby...

...and seven years after.

So you were a failure at the most
important relationship in your life.

- Objection.
- Overruled.

The witness's opinion on this
is relevant.

I was not a failure.

What do you call it, a success?
The marriage ended in divorce.

I consider it less my failure
than his.

Congratulations.

You've just rewritten matrimonial law.
You were both divorced.

Objection!

Your Honor, I would like to ask
what this model of stability...

...and respectability
has ever succeeded at.

Were you a failure at the one most
important relationship in your life?

- It did not succeed.
- Not it, Mrs. Kramer, you.

Were you a failure at the one most
important relationship in your life?

Were you?!

No.

Is that a yes, Mrs. Kramer?

No further questions.

- Did you have to be so rough?
- Do you want the kid?

Daddy?

Daddy.

- Yeah?
- What did you do when you were little?

The same things you do.

Did you watch The Brady Bunch?

No, we didn't have any television.

You didn't?

We listened to the radio.

What else didn't you have?

We didn't have lots of things.

- Like?
- Like a lot of things.

What kind?

Come here.

We didn't have diet soda.

We had egg creams, which was
chocolate syrup...

...seltzer water and a bit of
milk and you went...

...and you drank it
and it was delicious.

We didn't have the Mets,
but we had the Brooklyn Dodgers.

We had the Polo Grounds
and Ebbets Field...

Boy, those were the days.

We didn't have the Volkswagens...

...but we had all those different cars
with funny names on them.

We didn't have Burger King
or McDonald's.

We had automats where you put a
quarter in and you'd get...

...a piece of pie or a sandwich
you could see through a window.

We didn't have graffiti,
but we had this guy Kilroy...

Mr. Kramer is a very devoted father.

He spends a great deal of time
with Billy.

He reads to Billy a lot.

They play together,
they talk all the time.

He's a wonderful father.

Thank you.
No further questions.

Mrs. Phelps, how long
have you known Joanna Kramer?

About six years, ever since she and
Ted moved into the building.

How often did you see
Joanna Kramer and her son?

I haven't seen them together now for
about a year and a half, but...

...back then I saw them two or
three times a week.

My oldest daughter and Billy
play together.

Can you describe the relationship
between Joanna Kramer and her son?

It was good.

Joanna was a very good mother.

Both Ted and Joanna are very...

Did Mrs. Kramer discuss her
relationship with her ex-husband?

Yes.

Can you tell the court
exactly what she said?

Joanna wasn't happy
for many reasons...

Did you ever hear her say Mr. Kramer
was insensitive to his son's needs?

Would you answer the question?

- I didn't hear you.
- Yes, but that was before...

Did you ever encourage
her to leave her husband?

No, I did not.

Several days before she left,
did you say to her:

"If you're in this much pain,
you owe it to yourself to leave"?

- I didn't think Joanna...
- Did you say to her:

"If you're in this much pain,
you owe it to yourself to leave"?

- Yes, but she was my friend...
- No further questions.

Mrs. Phelps, you may step down.

Joanna, things are not the same now.

Ted is not the same man.

- You don't know how hard he's tried...
- Mrs. Phelps!

They're beautiful together.

The witness is asked to step down.

If you could see them together...

...maybe you wouldn't be here now.

Mrs. Phelps, that will be all!

I'm sorry.

When you were talking...

When my ex-wife was talking about how
unhappy she was during our marriage...

...most of what she said
was probably true.

There's a lot I didn't understand.

There's a lot
I'd do different if I could...

...just like there's a lot you wish
you could change but can't.

Some things, once they're done,
can't be undone.

My wife...

My ex-wife says she loves Billy
and I believe she does.

But I don't think
that's the issue here.

If I understand it correctly...

...what means the most here is
what's best for our son.

What's best for Billy.

My wife used to say to me:

"Why can't a woman have
the same ambitions as a man?"

I think you're right.

And maybe I've learned that much.

By the same token, I'd like to know...

...what law says a woman is a better
parent simply by virtue of her sex?

I've had time to think about
what makes a good parent.

It has to do with constancy.
It has to do with patience...

...listening to him...

...or pretending to listen
when you can't anymore.

It has to do with love,
like she was saying.

I don't know where it says a woman
has a corner on that market...

...that a man has any less
of those emotions than a woman.

Billy has a home with me.
I've made it the best I could.

It's not perfect.
I'm not a perfect parent.

Sometimes I don't
have enough patience

and I forget that he's a little kid.

But I'm there.

We eat breakfast and he talks to me,
and then we go to school.

At night we have dinner together and
we talk and I read to him and...

And we built a life together
and we love each other.

If you destroy that...

...it may be irreparable.

Joanna, don't do that, please.

- Don't do it twice to him.
- Thank you, Mr. Kramer.

No further questions.

How long have you
worked in advertising?

Ever since I graduated high school.

College, I mean.
I've been there about 15 years.

Would you say you've achieved a
certain status in your profession?

Yes, I have a good reputation.

When you worked at Roth, Kane
and Donovan, what was your salary?

Around $33,000 dollars a year
when I left.

Now you work at Norman, Craig
and Kummel?

- Yes.
- What is your salary?

It's almost 29,000.

Could you be more specific?

I make $28,200.

28,200.

You're the only person who's working
his way down the ladder of success.

Objection. Your Honor, I ask that
counsel's last remark be stricken.

Sustained.

Is it true you were fired
from your previous job?

- I was let go.
- Will you tell us why you were let go?

There was a difference
of opinion in policy.

Is it true your agency lost a major
account due to your negligence?

Objection!

I'm trying to establish
the witness's employment record.

He cannot hold a job.

I'll allow it, Mr. Shaunessy.

It's not unusual in advertising
for a client...

...to change his mind
and go elsewhere...

Was it true you walked out on a
client during a major presentation...

...saying that you had an appointment
with a teacher?

My son was sitting next to a kid
who was hitting and biting.

- Yes or no?
- Yes, but he bit my kid.

Last spring, did you miss a deadline
on the Mid-Atlantic account...

...causing your company a
great deal of embarrassment...

...and considerable
financial liability?

On that day I had to go home
because my child was sick.

Did you or did you not
miss a deadline?

- My son was sick.
- Answer the question.

I'm trying to answer the question.
It's not yes or no.

- Yes or no?
- He had a 104 temperature!

He's lying there sweating!
I go home to him!

Mr. Kramer, I urge you to stop
or I'll have to hold you in contempt.

I missed the deadline.

- Do you have a violent temper?
- No.

- Objection.
- I withdraw the question.

- Do you consider yourself a fit parent?
- Yes, I do.

Is it true your child nearly lost
an eye while in your care?

- Objection.
- Overruled.

Answer the question.

He was in the playground,
on the jungle gym...

And fell and nearly lost an eye
while in your care.

He fell and cut himself.

Is it true you told your ex-wife...

...you were responsible for the
injury that disfigured your child?

Did you tell her:

"When it happened I felt guilty.
I felt it was my fault"?

- Objection!
- I have concluded my questions.

Ted?

Ted?

I'm sorry. I mentioned the accident
to him two months ago...

...and I never thought he would
bring it up, never.

Believe me.

I never would have mentioned it if
I thought he'd pull a thing like that.

I'm sorry.

I'm...

Ted.

- Hi.
- Hi. Here, let me help you.

Heard anything yet?

Any day. My lawyer says
no news is good news.

- Guess what.
- What?

Charley and I are talking about
getting back together.

Really?
Did he finally call you?

No, I called him.

How come?

I don't know. I got to thinking
about a lot of things since the trial.

And...

I don't think it'll work out,
but he seems to want it.

That's terrific.
How do you feel?

I don't know.
I feel scared, I guess.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I lost.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

What happened?

The judge went for motherhood
right down the line.

"Ordered and decreed that the
petitioner be awarded custody...

...effective Monday,
the 23rd of January...

...that the respondent pay for the
support of the child, $400 a month.

The father shall have the
following visitation rights:

Every other weekend, one night a
week to be mutually agreed upon...

...and one half of the child's
vacation period."

- That's it.
- What if I fight it?

I can't guarantee anything.

I'll take my chances.

- It'll cost you.
- I'll pay anything.

Look, Ted, I have to
tell you something.

This time it'll be Billy that pays.

I'll have to put him on the stand.

I can't do that.

No, I don't want to do that.

Thanks very much for your time.
I'm gonna take a walk.

Ted? It's me.

Ted?

I just heard.

Please go away.

Are you okay?

I just have to be by myself
for a while, Margaret.

I don't understand.

The problem is your mom and I
both want you to live with us.

So that's why we decided to go see
this man, who is the judge...

...and we let him decide because
he's very wise and experienced.

We talked to him for a few days
and then asked what he thought.

You know what?
He agreed with Mommy.

He thought it'd be terrific
if you lived with her from now on.

I'm lucky because I get to have
dinner with you once a week.

And twice a month
we spend the weekends together.

Where's my bed gonna be?
Where am I gonna sleep?

Mommy's figured that all out. You
have your own bedroom at her place.

- Where will all my toys be?
- At Mommy's.

We're gonna take
all your toys over there.

If you play your cards right,
she'll buy you some new ones.

Who's gonna read me
my bedtime stories?

Mommy will.

You're not gonna kiss me
good night anymore?

No, I won't be able to do that.

But, you know, I get to visit.

It's gonna be okay. Really.

If I don't like it, can I come home?

What do you mean?

You'll have a great time with Mommy.

Really. She loves you so much.

Dad?

Don't forget, once, if you can
just call me up, okay?

We're gonna be okay.

Let's go get some ice cream.

Come on, let's get
this show on the road.

Let's get a little hustle now, okay?

Come on, set the table.

Come on.

Are you ready?

Yes?

It's Joanna.
I'm downstairs in the lobby.

Can you come down here
and meet me alone?

Hi.

What's up?

Tell me. What?
What's the matter?

I woke up this morning.

Kept thinking about Billy...

...and I was thinking about
him waking up in his room...

...with his little clouds
all around that I painted...

...and I thought I should have
painted clouds downtown because...

...then he would think that
he was waking up at home.

I came here to take my son home.

And I realized he already is home.

I love him very much.

I'm not gonna take him with me.

Can I go up and talk to him?

Yeah.

Why don't you go upstairs
and see him and I'll wait here.

How do I look?

Terrific.

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