Original subtitles

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - NADJA: What can I say?

The nightclub has really taken off recently.

Nadja's has become the hot spot

for the tri-state area vampire community.

And I, its queen.

Most of the vampires lining up won't get in

due to general ugliness. Move!

Okay, you two in the denim capes, it ain't happening.

Fly back to New Jersey.

NADJA: This place has even started attracting human celebrities,

which is really great for business.

There's three of them now.

Sofia, you stupid bitch,

when are you gonna put me in one of your movies?

I want to show the camera my bling ring. [LAUGHS]

JIM: Hey, Colin really is

performing tonight, right?

We are very excited, man.

We've been hearing about him for weeks.

Colin is going to be on stage in three minutes.

Great, that kid is incredible.

More than a star, he's a phenomenon.

He does have a certain je ne sais quoi. [LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

He must have brain scrambles. That was utter gibberish.

- [LAUGHS] - SOFIA: Can I just ask you,

what's the "Celebrity Special," and is it really $5,000?

Oh, the Celebrity Special!

Something you're interested in?

- Yes, very much. - Yes, please. - Jim?

Oh, not for me. We're shooting in the morning.

And, really, I don't make that kind of money.

Oh. Celebrity Special for two, anyone?

- [SHOUTING, CHEERING] - NADJA: Okay, uh...

You two, over here.

May I present for you

the Celebrity Special?

It's to die for.

[CHEERING]

Oh, shit, that looks so real.

NADJA: It's so much more fun

when the celebrities actually ask for it themselves.

He's empty.

Come on, you guys. You are really good.

That is amazing.

- [CHANTING]: Do the head. - That's right.

- Do the head... - [CHEERING]

[CHUCKLING]: I could never afford a gag like this.

That's amazing.

We're so glad you're enjoying the show, Jim. [LAUGHS]

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

- Over here! - [CHEERING]

- Sofia? - NADJA: You think that the celebrities

would have caught on by now, but I have got Chloeë Sevigny

and Tiki Barber booked for tomorrow night,

and the great Fran Lebowitz on Thursday.

She says what we're all thinking.

Okay, time for my little moneymaker, Baby Colin.

Let's get on with the show.

Now, where is he?

- [GRUNTS] - [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Are you fucking kidding me?

What do you mean that Baby Colin is not performing?

He goes on every night at 3:00 a.m.!

I know, my darling, but things have changed.

The nightclub is extraordinarily successful,

and we both know why, so his contract must reflect that.

- He doesn't have a contract. - Au contraire.

- I drew one up this morning. - [NADJA GROANS]

GUILLERMO: So, full disclosure,

[WHISPERS]: I met someone.

Well, a while back, when I was in England with Nadja,

there was this guy, Freddie,

and yeah, we just had this whirlwind romance.

Ever since I've been back here we've been FaceTiming,

like, all the time. [LAUGHS]

And now, he's coming to New York for the weekend.

- FREDDIE: See you soon. - [WHISPERS]: Okay, besos.

Which is super exciting and super terrifying,

[CHUCKLES]: because he's the first person

that I've ever really dated dated, you know?

I'm gonna pick him up at the airport,

and we're gonna spend the whole weekend in the city,

- just Freddie and I and... - [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys. I'll be back.

- Surprise. [LAUGHS] - Oh. Freddie.

My flight got in early.

Oh, my God, look at your face.

- "Look at my face." Oh, wow. - Aww.

Who-who are these guys?

It's a, uh, a documentary crew.

How did you find my place?

Oh, return address of the post you sent me.

Sorry, the "mail" you sent me. Oh, my God, you Americans.

- [LAUGHS] - NANDOR: Guillermo?

Oh. That is very kind of you,

but I'm not hungry right now.

GUIDE: [CLEARS THROAT] Number one,

"Nightclub staff will not make direct eye contact

with Colin unless they are giving him a gift."

- [NADJA GROANS] - COLIN: Hey, Nadja, guess what?

- NADJA: What? - Chicken butt.

- Ugh. - Okay, number two, uh,

"We also require a merch table,

"where we will sell Colin's new compact disc..."

LASZLO: Call Me Colin: An Hour of Singsongs

and Laugh-'Em-Ups for the Whole Famn Damily.

- Are you gonna sign it? - Of course not!

My darling, if it wasn't for this boy,

your club would be as dead as disco.

- COLIN: And guess what? - BOTH: What?

All I want is to sing and dance and make people smile.

I don't even really care about all this contract baloney.

No, no, no, no. He doesn't know what he's saying.

So, do have we a deal?

Um, let me just have a little think, uh, mull it over.

- All right. - What is this made of?

Fuck no! Do you think that my club

needs this little weird ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?

- Hey. - But he is our main attraction.

I could replace him in a second.

Well, good luck with that.

I've had the owner of the hottest vampire nightclub

on the phone to me day and night,

and he's not the only one.

So you're actually going to leave?

Looks that way, doesn't it? Come on, boy.

Let's take your talents upstate.

Albany and Binghamton, to be more precise, but...

- got to start somewhere. - [NADJA GROANS]

FREDDIE: Wow, this place is like a museum.

I-I can't believe this is your house, Guillermo.

Well, it's actually not my house.

I just help take care of Nandor.

How'd you never mention that?

I-I thought you worked at the U.N.

Don't be silly.

Guillermo does not work at the U and N.

[WHISPERING]: He forgets a lot of things.

His mind doesn't work the way it used to, so...

- I volunteer on my days off. - Aw, you're so sweet.

- NANDOR: Guillermo. - Hmm.

Why did you not tell me you had a friend coming to visit?

- Friends... - Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit

more than friends, actually.

Oh, I see.

- Best friends. - GUILLERMO: No, uh...

He's my boyfriend.

Oh.

- Oh, wow. - [FREDDIE CHUCKLES]

And I'm sorry I didn't mention that earlier.

This is fantastic news.

- FREDDIE: Right? - GUILLERMO: Good.

And a long time coming.

- Oh. - He has been very lonely.

- Oh. - Extremely lonely.

- GUILLERMO: Not that lonely. - Pretty lonely.

Not that lonely.

NANDOR: Very pathetic. Really lonely.

Thank you, Nandor, that is very interesting.

And can I just reiterate that your home is beautiful?

I-I mean, this tapestry, is this Turkish in origin?

- Y-Yes. Yes... - Around the 15th century, this one here?

GUILLERMO: Freddie's actually a junior associate

at an auction house in London.

He's kind of an art buff.

- [LAUGHS]: No. - Very good eye.

I disemboweled many villagers to get this tapestry.

[WHISPERS]: We're thinking of upping his medicine dose

- 'cause... - [FREDDIE LAUGHS]

I would love to hear more of your stories, Nandor.

I'm just so glad to have a new buddy.

Oh, that's me.

I am the buddy.

This, uh, this place is pretty dusty, though.

I'd tell you to get a Roomba in here, but, uh,

- I think it might kill itself. - [BOTH LAUGH]

- [LAUGHS] - I couldn't resist.

I don't know what any of that means, but I love it.

Okay. Such long teeth.

It's a genetic disorder in the family.

And, uh, if you ever need anyone to help you look after

any of these treasures,

- promise you'll give me a call, eh? - Oh.

So nice to meet you. What a, what a pleasure.

- I'll see you very soon. - Yes.

- All right. - Hopefully.

- Bye-bye. - GUILLERMO: Sorry about that...

- FREDDIE: That's okay. - [DOOR CLOSES]

♪

NANDOR: I cannot sleep.

My mind has been seized by thoughts

of a very special person.

A person by the name of...

Freddie.

Ever since he and Guillermo

left for the hotel, Freddie's charm

and sweet, supportive nature have echoed in my mind.

He touched my arm.

Also, things have grown a little stale

with my beloved Marwa.

Are you, um...

enjoying sitting in that chair?

Yes. Hmm.

And yours is good?

Yes, uh...

It was a little bit hard, so I put a cushion on it.

- Wonderful. - Yes.

NANDOR [SIGHS]: Fuck, she's boring.

But marriage is sacred to me.

I never once cheated on any of my 37 wives,

and I'm not about to start now.

Could I steal Freddie from Guillermo?

Of course.

But that would be cruel.

And also, you know, sloppy seconds.

If only...

Excuse me for a moment.

[QUIETLY]: I'm not sure if this is possible,

but I wish for Marwa to be transformed

into an exact copy OF THIS PERSON: Freddie.

Appearance, personality, everything.

- Why are you whispering? - Because Marwa is someone

that I love very much,

and I don't want her to hear that I'm about to change her

into a completely different person.

As you wish.

Marwa?

[DOOR CREAKS]

Hello.

Hi, there. I'm Freddie.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

Boy, this place is pretty dusty.

I'd tell you to get a Roomba in here,

but I think it might kill itself.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Freddie.

Our star performer's departure

could not come at a worse time for Mistress Nadja.

I'm actually a little worried about her.

There's so much pressure running a nightclub,

and she's been consuming a massive amount

of liquor blood.

Are you talking shit about me?

- No. - Hey, I love you like a sister, baby,

you know it, but even... if you even think

about damaging my brand, I will cut you in two!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Okay!

- COLIN: Lazzo, guess what? - LASZLO: What?

I can't believe I'm on the road, on my own tour bus.

Now, this one maybe isn't as nice as the one

in Cameron Crowe's turn-of-the-century masterpiece

- Almost Famous, but it... - We've got to work our way to the top, boy.

We got to strike out on tour.

It's how all the best vampire acts started.

Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.

Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.

Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.

The Undead Kennedys.

- [MICROPHONE WHINES FAINTLY] - [CLEARS THROAT]

NADJA: Freshly drained blood

of a drunk human celebrity.

Just a little something to keep Mama sharp.

Rest in peace, Sofia Copp-Coppola.

Let us get on with it. Bring on the first little freak!

GUIDE: Well, first we have Jack Metcalf.

He is repped by Christie Marx Management.

He is four feet and two inches high.

[WHOOPS]

♪ Let me call you sweetheart... ♪

Flat! Flat!

You don't have the range, babe.

Get off my stage. Next!

GUIDE: Peter Doskin, repped by Grandpa and Grandma.

Chrysanthemum.

C-H-R-Y-S-A...

Why are you not stuffed in a locker somewhere?

Your bullies are not doing a good enough job.

Next!

♪ Meet me in dream land ♪

♪ Sweet dreamy dream land ♪

♪ There let my dreams come true. ♪

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Right, well, that's enough, you freeloading deadbeats.

If you want to watch, then you've got to pay. Come on.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Ugh.

No, no, no.

No.

[GRUNTS] Okay.

I'm coming. Stop it.

Okay, stop tapping. Watch and learn, bitch.

♪ There's a large bird ♪

♪ Stealing all my brothers... ♪

- [GASPS] - GUIDE: Auditions are over.

NADJA: No, it's going well. That was the finale.

Ta-da!

BOTH: Things are going really, really well with Freddie.

- Thank you. Thank you so much. - [SPANISH SONG PLAYING]

GUILLERMO: Aw.

I even let him make a list of all the things

he's always wanted to do in New York City.

NANDOR: I'm having the best time with my Freddie.

♪

NANDOR: He has written a list of things

he would like to do in New York City,

and now we are doing those things.

- Is-is it your turn next? I-I think... - No.

- [CHEERING] - Oh, my God!

[LAUGHING]: Wow.

NANDOR: [GRUNTS] Hey! Hey!

[LAUGHS]: Oh, wow!

- Wait, wait. - Oh, okay. All right.

- Come around. - [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪

[LAUGHS]

GUILLERMO: So, this weekend has

made me realize that I really need

- a life outside of work. - [LAUGHS]: Yeah.

I felt like I literally kept seeing Nandor everywhere...

which is ridiculous...

because that's how much space he occupies in my mind.

- Anyways, we're not talking about Nandor. - No.

- Let's go get some cheesecake. - Okay.

- [LAUGHTER] - Hello.

NADJA: Well, last night's auditions were a mess.

And then I realized,

why am I even trying to find another child performer?

Fuck them kids.

This is a scary, sexy nightclub for adults.

So I decided to call Le Cirque EÉrotique.

GUIDE: Le Cirque EÉrotique is a legendary consortium

of sophisticated and deeply carnal

vampire circus performers.

Some of the most thrilling, obscene spectacles

known to vampires.

NADJA: They're famously tough to book.

GUIDE: But they are coming here

to perform tonight! [LAUGHS]

LASZLO: Lamar?

Yeah, I'm just checking in. This place is amazing.

It has ice on demand, 24 hours a day.

And it's gratis.

I've got to go, 'cause it's showtime.

Why isn't that boy doing his scales?

Why aren't you doing your scales, boy...

- [VOICE CRACKING]: Hey. Time to hit the road. - Shit.

This little star's ready to shake his moneymaker.

Is something wrong?

Do you feel there's something wrong?

[VOICE CRACKING]: No. How far is it to the venue?

To the what?

- COLIN: Venue. - Um...

Not far.

[WHISPERS]: The fuck?

Right, now, that was a bit of a shock.

He appears to have hit puberty overnight.

The worst thing is, I don't think he realizes it.

- [MICROPHONE WHINES QUIETLY] - HOST: All right.

All the way up from Staten Island,

let's give a warm, Binghamton welcome

to the most talented little boy in the world,

- Baby Colin. - [APPLAUSE]

Hi, Binghamton.

[VOICE CRACKING]: ♪ If you want to ring the bell not once, but twice... ♪

MAN: He's just a kid.

♪ If you want to roll and roll those lucky dice... ♪

Come on, let's get a big clap going.

- [RISING CHATTER] - [SCATTERED CLAPPING]

♪ If you want to spend your journey's end ♪

♪ With sweet music and love... ♪

WOMAN: That's not Baby Colin.

- It is... Yeah, it is. - WOMAN: Fuck... fuck off.

I don't think it's him.

- MAN: Get off the stage! - Everyone hates me!

- [AUDIENCE HISSING] - MAN: He sucks!

- Go eat shit. - Be back soon.

GUIDE: Oh, that's fun.

NADJA: Come on, the circus troupe is loading in soon.

- GUSTAVE: Hello? - Ah.

Gustave Leroy of Le Cirque EÉrotique.

Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.

And the rest of your troupe are, um...

Oh, I thought they told you.

It's just gonna be me tonight.

Yeah, nobody else was available, but lucky for you,

I'm very free. Oh.

I'd like to have you put those up around the club, please.

NADJA: Just you?

"The clown who can suck himself off."

I put a little comedy into it as well.

Now, where is a good place for me to, uh,

start my stretches?

GUILLERMO: Hello?

I just need to get some insoles for my feet.

- They're killing me. - [DISTANT LAUGHTER]

- NANDOR: ...the left nipple. - [FREDDIE CLONE LAUGHS]

Hey, look who it is.

Freddie, what are you... How?

- Welcome. - You were just in the car with me.

Don't be silly. This is not your Freddie.

- This is my own Freddie. - All right, bruv.

What the hell?

I asked the djinn to turn Marwa into a carbon copy

of your Freddie.

- What is wrong with you? - Don't be upset about it.

- You should be flattered. - Put him back...

- Gigi, what's taking you so long? We need to go. - No, um...

Freddie, you should probably wait in the car, because...

Um...

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Please give a warm welcome to your entertainment

for the evening, Mr. Gustave Leroy, huh?

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[WHOOPING]

GUIDE: Ah, yeah!

[WHISTLING, GASPING]

Yeah!

[LAUGHTER]

WOMAN: Yeah, let's see it.

[CHEERING]

Yes!

MAN: He's really going for it.

He's going for a full suck!

Hey, Sofia, so it turns out

it's just some guy sucking his own dick.

Anyway, very funny the way you guys disappeared

the other night after the bloody magic trick,

which I'm still trying to figure out.

But enough is enough. Come on, call me back.

[WHOOPING]

- Really? - WOMAN: That's it?

- MAN: That's it? - That was, like, 20 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it was a pleasure for me

- to suck myself off for you. - [AUDIENCE BOOING]

- What the fuck was that? - Wasn't it amazing?

I've never lasted that long.

This was supposed to be a whole evening of sucking.

You're useless.

[WHOOPS] Okay, to, um,

keep the fun going and liven you guys up,

we're gonna release the blood sprinklers.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Get ready for loads of blood.

- GUIDE: Oh, yeah! - Spill the blood for the vampires.

NADJA: We love blood so much. [WHOOPS]

Blood sprinklers. Can we get the blood sprinklers on?

Let's get them on.

- [PATRONS GASPING] - WOMAN: Billy!

Uh...

- Um... Okay... - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- NADJA: Son of a bitch! - WOMAN: Peace out, I'm done.

Hang on. No, no, no, don't go, 'cause I'm going to perform.

♪ There's a large bird ♪

♪ Stealing my brothers... ♪

Come on, guys. Let's get a big clap going.

[WHOOPS]

♪ And I realized that the egg was me... ♪

- [SHOUTS] - GUIDE: Oh, no.

NANDOR: In three, two, one, go!

- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal. - Got it.

- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef. - Yep.

- Uh, Barbie doll. Uh, Alaska. - Yep. Yep.

NANDOR: So, I did a little hypnosis

on the two Freddies.

Basically, I told them not to make such a big a deal

out of the whole cloning thing.

- Uh, Genji monogatari by Murasaki Shikibu. - Hai!

Oh, uh, T-The New Adventures of Old Christine.

- Yes. - And that's time.

- BOTH: Yes! Come on, Freddie. - NANDOR: Oh.

- [BOTH FREDDIES LAUGH] - Very impressive, you two.

Very, um, in sync.

- [LAUGHTER] - NANDOR: Hmm?

- Hmm? - Very good.

Now they're getting on great,

so the situation is totally fine.

Fun little evening we're having, wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't say.

- Couldn't just let me have one thing of my own? - I did.

You have your thing and I have mine.

Oh, so you took your wife,

who you transformed into the perfect woman,

and then turned her into a carbon copy of my boyfriend?

Doesn't that register with you as being messed up?

Stop saying things that I have done.

This is my last night with Freddie.

Okay, this might seem like a huge game to you, but it's not

- to me, I really care about him. - I know, I just...

Do you understand that I've never, in my whole life,

ever, had a long-term boyfriend? Not once.

And you find a way to make it about yourself.

So thanks.

Uh, wait... I...

- Freddie? We're leaving. - Yes?

- Oh, uh... - FREDDIE: Oh, uh...

NANDOR: That's, uh...

That's actually...

...my Freddie.

Freddie, we're leaving.

Oh, uh, awesome to meet you, Freddie.

Awesome to meet you, too, Freddie.

GUILLERMO: Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.

GUILLERMO: Well,

Freddie had to go back to England...

Bye.

I love you.

...meaning I'm back to my normal life,

being a familiar for Nandor

and his exact clone of my boyfriend.

At least we can stay in touch through the Internet.

- FREDDIE [OVER DEVICE]: How's it going? - Are you having beans

- for dinner again? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- You're such a little bean freak, babe. - Guilty as charged.

FREDDIE CLONE: Is that who I think it is?

Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?

Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.

- Ooh, did you get a chance to read the deep dive - Uh...

on the Palatine Hill in this month's Rosetta Journal?

Oh, let me have a think. Hmm, how about yes?

That's section on early medieval earthenware they just excavated?

Bombshell, am I right?

I had to put the journal down and take a walk

- around the block. - Me, too, I just had to put

the journal down and take a walk around the block.

- Honestly. - Me, too! I had to put...

I'm sorry, can we can cut?

LASZLO: You can't cancel our dates, you bastard.

We've got a contract.

- Don't fuck me. - Why is this happening to me?

I'm repulsive.

Good grief! Whatever is that foul odor?

It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?

- What? - I hate you. You're ruining my life!

Come on, boy, don't be like that.

I can sort this out. Yeah? I'll get you on stage tonight.

No! I'm not singing any more of those baby songs.

- And guess what? - What?

From here on out, I'll only consider performing

if it's the music of Papa Roach or Evanescence!

[NU METAL PLAYING]

- Fuck off! - LASZLO: Shut your mouth.

["LAYLA" BY DEREK AND THE DOMINOS PLAYING]

I am beginning to think that maybe

what I did was wrong.

Probably not, but... maybe.

I set out to make things right with Guillermo.

I offered to give him my Freddie,

as a token of apology

and also so that they could have sex with each other.

No. It's not the same.

- It's pretty similar. - But it's not.

NANDOR: That's when I knew I had to let

my Freddie go.

Which also meant

letting my wife Marwa go.

But I did leave her in Freddie form,

'cause she seemed so much happier like that.

Perhaps true love is about more than

wishing for someone who likes all the things you like.

My sweet Freddie.

My Freddie always told me that his dream

was to travel the world,

explore his passion for art and history.

Don't forget to buy that Roomba.

[CRYING]: I won't.

I suppose I am the one

who is now granting a wish.

Fucking sucks.

[SNIFFLES]

NADJA: It is clear to me now that

without Baby Colin as its main attraction,

this club cannot survive.

This place was the center of the vampire universe.

But now it is just a big, empty piece of shit.

And despite my hopes of a comeback,

it is clear that our best days are behind us.

- My darling? - [GASPS] Laszlo!

I've thought of a way of saving the club.

Ah. How?

I've heard about this amazing clown

that can suck himself dry.

[MOANS] Who is this young ruffian?

You remember Baby Colin?

Well, he's had a growth spurt.

- Hey. - [GASPS]

Can we go?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Bye.

GUILLERMO: Cheers from jolly old England.

I decided to go surprise Freddie,

because why not, right? You only live once.

And I have all that money saved that I...

whatever, I stole from the club.

He has no idea that I'm here, so...

- [DISTANT LAUGHTER] - Oh. Is that him?

Over there, right with...

- I love you, Freddie. - I love you, too, Freddie.

- Fancy a pint of bitter? - Why not?

["LAYLA" CONTINUES PLAYING]

Impaler Swift.

Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.

And that's not even mentioning the wraith acts.

Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill. Wraith Evans.

Billy Wraith Cyrus.

Wraith No More.

Wraith Charles.

I could go on.

["LAYLA" CONTINUES PLAYING]