All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S04E07.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.en

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil) Download
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:03,916 Once we clear Keasbey, 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,615 it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway 3 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:09,052 until we hit the Pine Barrens. 4 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:10,401 And let me tell you, 5 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,883 the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit. 6 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,277 LASZLO: Sean has invited us to his family's cabin 7 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:17,495 in the New Jersey woodlands. 8 00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:20,368 - The Pine Barrens. - Which is the same thing. 9 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,892 - For a weekend hunting trip. - NANDOR: We vampires 10 00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:24,676 do not hunt. 11 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,113 Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans. 12 00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:27,157 Does that count, though? 13 00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:29,290 SEAN: Nothing wrong 14 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:31,944 with a long weekend away from the ladies. 15 00:00:31,988 --> 00:00:34,077 "We dem boys," am I right? 16 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,384 - NANDOR: Yes. - Indeed, but remember, 17 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,255 Nandor and I need to be back 18 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:41,041 no later than 5:00 a.m. on Sunday. 19 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,130 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs at the railroad. 20 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,957 You're like a broken record, Laz. 21 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,090 Yes, we them boys who work at the railroad. 22 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,526 SEAN: You know, 23 00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,094 that kid looks like the spitting image of Colin Robinson. 24 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,748 It's like Little Baby Dilbert over here. 25 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,185 Well, as we mentioned before, 26 00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:57,927 Colin Robinson is the child's uncle, 27 00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:00,973 so according to genetics, that story makes perfect sense. 28 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,453 SEAN: Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread, 29 00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,238 what you playing back there? 30 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,891 - Oh, no. What the fuck... - Oh, it's a game called 31 00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,764 "Welcome to Bloxburg," and it's a game on Roblox 32 00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,332 and you can build your own house 33 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,986 or get a job like a pizza maker or woodcutter 34 00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:15,553 or insurance adjust... 35 00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:17,642 ["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING] 36 00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:20,254 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 37 00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:23,692 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 38 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,347 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 39 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,740 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 40 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,875 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 41 00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,530 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 42 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,010 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 43 00:01:38,054 --> 00:01:41,101 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 44 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,060 ♪ 45 00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,286 - [CRICKETS CHIRPING] - [NADJA AND DOLL NADJA LAUGHING] 46 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:54,114 You look very nice in the bath. Look at you. 47 00:01:54,157 --> 00:01:56,116 - Thank you, honey. - With the boys being away 48 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:58,161 on this hunting trip with Sean, 49 00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,729 it is just so... [CHUCKLING] ...nice 50 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,948 to have the house to myself for a change. 51 00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,734 To ourselves. There's two of us. 52 00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:06,648 Oh, yes. Of course. 53 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,955 It's really nice to have the whole house to myself, 54 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,609 for once. [CHUCKLES] 55 00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:14,525 Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Baby Colin are all gone, 56 00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:18,050 I get to choose what I want to do for a change. 57 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:20,444 We really needed a break from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo, 58 00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,054 and the small weird creature 59 00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,187 that clawed its way out of the abdominal cavity 60 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,972 of our deceased former friend Colin Robinson. 61 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,713 GUILLERMO: It's rare that anyone leaves me alone, 62 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,325 so I'm gonna have my family over tomorrow night. 63 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,631 I've been putting it off for, like... 64 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:34,937 12 years? 65 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,202 This house, it can be a lot of male energy. 66 00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:40,203 NADJA: Oh. 67 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,074 I mean, duh. 68 00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,859 - [CACKLING] - [PLAYING MAGIC FLUTE] 69 00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,339 NADJA: So while they're off in the forest, 70 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,036 we will be having a good, old-fashioned 71 00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,646 sloppy girls' night at home. 72 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,171 - DOLL NADJA: Yes. - And you know, 73 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,390 I think the weekend will be very good for the boys, too. 74 00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:54,826 Did you want to help with the bags? 75 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,393 I wasn't planning to, no. 76 00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:58,700 - NANDOR: Okay, thank you. - Thank you. 77 00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:00,919 NADJA: Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently. 78 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:03,095 You know, for the past one or two or... 79 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,575 actually, about 80 years. 80 00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,490 [PLAYING FLUTE] 81 00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,318 You want to help with the door? 82 00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:09,841 I wasn't planning to, no. 83 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:12,104 - Okay, thank you. - Thank you. 84 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:13,541 NADJA: It's good 85 00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:15,456 that they're going to have a chance to reconnect. 86 00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:17,893 SEAN: Put all the bags in there, all right? 87 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:18,937 Eesh. 88 00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,025 Now, that up there, 89 00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,463 I got that when I was 14. 90 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,247 Took me nine shots, but I got it. 91 00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:27,032 First time I ever saw something die. 92 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,035 But it wouldn't be the last. 93 00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:34,823 Well, marksmanship clearly runs in the family. 94 00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:37,347 That's a very impressive collection of firearms. 95 00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:39,654 Oh, yeah. Well, it's mostly my granddad's. 96 00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:41,960 He started collecting them when he bought the cabin 97 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:44,093 from this Polish guy he used to bowl with, 98 00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,660 you know, before the cataracts. 99 00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:48,358 It's always sad when a Polish fellow gets cataracts. 100 00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,317 No, I think what Sean is saying 101 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,188 is that his grandfather got the cataracts, 102 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,842 which is why he could no longer do bowling 103 00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,017 with the Polish fellow. 104 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,279 SEAN: Actually, the problem was... 105 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,889 LASZLO: No, no, hold on, Sean. No. 106 00:03:57,933 --> 00:04:00,805 The Polish fellow got the cataracts, 107 00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,851 ending his bowling career, 108 00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,287 cutting his income, 109 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,855 forcing him to sell this cabin, clearly. 110 00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,291 NANDOR: The problem with Laszlo 111 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,641 is that he cannot admit that there's something 112 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,208 that even he does not know. 113 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,558 He thinks that he knows all things. 114 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,952 And if there's one thing I cannot abide, 115 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:20,303 it is someone who's a know-it-all-things. 116 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:23,088 - Actually... - If I could just take a moment, Sean, 117 00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:25,265 I know a thing or two about fellows, 118 00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,005 and I would say it is more than likely 119 00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:28,485 that the Polish fellow 120 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:31,532 went bowling with other fellows for fun 121 00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:34,012 and not for his livelihood. 122 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,101 LASZLO: Nandor's problem is 123 00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:39,148 he has a bird-sized brain in a mammoth-sized body. 124 00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:40,628 - Wouldn't you say? - [SCREECHES] 125 00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:44,109 Well, you see, that theory betrays an ignorance... 126 00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:46,634 - Oh... - ...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well 127 00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:49,114 vis-à-vis bowling competition money. 128 00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:50,464 Agree to disagree. 129 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,335 Boy, do your thing. 130 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:57,035 Hey, Siri, search "Polish bowlers top cash prize earners." 131 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,995 SIRI [OVER IPAD]: Okay, I found this on the web for "bowling Polish 132 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,344 top cash prize earners." 133 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,867 - Check it out. - LASZLO: Yes? 134 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:07,002 It's a Wikipedia page for someone called Daria Pajak. 135 00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,525 Read the page. 136 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:11,441 "Daria Pajak is a professional bowling player 137 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,051 - from Poland..." - LASZLO: From Poland. 138 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,966 COLIN: "...who competes on the professional women's bowling..." 139 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,185 - LAZSLO: That's right, my boy. - [GRUNTS] Shut up! 140 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,534 - COLIN: Hey! - LASZLO: Very mature. 141 00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,884 - [CRICKETS CHIRPING] - [SNORING] 142 00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:21,886 [SNORING] 143 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,149 Right. 144 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,368 COLIN: So, what are we doing? 145 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,718 Time for a little hunting of our own. 146 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,590 The most dangerous game... 147 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,243 - hunting humans... - The hunters become the hunted. 148 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,420 Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me. 149 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,726 - COLIN: Eesh. - [NANDOR CLEARS THROAT] 150 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,859 NANDOR: I have recently been experimenting 151 00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,774 with echolocation. 152 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,079 [VIDEO GAME BLIPPING] 153 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,820 [WHISTLING] 154 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,345 [BLIPPING CONTINUES] 155 00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,390 - COLIN: Hey, Lazzo, guess what? - What? 156 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,698 I need more Robux to buy gamer wings for my avatar 157 00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:53,048 - because guess what? - What? 158 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,615 - I already have the Gamer Cloak. - Enough. 159 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,486 You're going to scare away the humans. 160 00:05:56,530 --> 00:06:00,098 Silence is the hunter's greatest weapon. 161 00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:01,883 And you're shitting all over it. 162 00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,754 Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent. 163 00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:09,020 SEAN: You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz 164 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,631 - taking care of you. - I guess. 165 00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,374 Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much. 166 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,550 Are you kidding me? He loves you. 167 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,856 He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up 168 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,990 to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore." 169 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,688 Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS. 170 00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,211 COLIN: Do you think I'm boring? 171 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,300 What? You got your little computer pad, 172 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,564 and a... stick. 173 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,653 And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right? 174 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,176 What else do you like doing? 175 00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:37,440 Well, I like to go into the basement in the house 176 00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:41,009 and smash holes into the wall with a hammer. 177 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,924 Like, really hard. 178 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,969 Just over and over again. 179 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,450 Just smashing and smashing 180 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:50,192 and smashing, and I can't help it. 181 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:51,715 It makes me feel good. 182 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,544 But, like, only walls, right? 183 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:57,982 You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something? 184 00:06:58,026 --> 00:06:59,723 [WOMEN WHOOPING] 185 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,812 [CACKLING] 186 00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:06,121 NADJA: So our evening is off to a wonderful start. 187 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:09,951 ♪ There's a girl in the village with one very small foot. ♪ 188 00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,866 NADJA: Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us, 189 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,216 and she fits right in. Everybody! 190 00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,131 She looks very like a girl from my village 191 00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,480 called Celina, 192 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,613 but she's just wearing much less pig skin. 193 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,005 [WHOOPING] You can do it. 194 00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,007 - [CHANTING]: Go me. Go me. - [MARWA VOCALIZING] 195 00:07:23,051 --> 00:07:26,184 NADJA: Sometimes you just gotta cool out with your ladies, 196 00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,404 have a proper female fuck-about. 197 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,406 Nearly ready. Voilà. 198 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,973 Dang it. 199 00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,585 ♪ 200 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:38,675 GUILLERMO: Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias. 201 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,155 Adelande. 202 00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,331 - [CHATTER IN SPANISH] - Thank you for inv... 203 00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:43,767 Oh, no se preocupen de las cámaras, 204 00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,639 este, los contraté para que grabaran el... 205 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,423 el cumpleaños de la abuela. 206 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,469 - Feliz cumpleaños. - Muchacho, ay. 207 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,732 SILVIA: Ay, mi hijo. Siempre tan considerado. 208 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,299 Las chamarras, quítensela. Quítensela. Aquí es su casa. 209 00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,432 - MIGUEL: Look, he's like the butler. - I am not the butler. 210 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,390 I told them that you guys are here making a video montage 211 00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,567 for her birthday, so I guess that's what we're doing now. 212 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,133 MIGUEL: It looks like Tarzan lives here. 213 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,352 Oh, it's just eco-friendly. 214 00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:04,832 Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly? 215 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,703 - It's real Versace. - You know, they make that 216 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,009 - in menswear too, right? - Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. 217 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,532 - [LAUGHTER] - Okay, why don't we go upstairs? 218 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:10,794 Pasen, pasen, pasen. 219 00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,361 Oh, careful, there. I... It's messy. 220 00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,623 There's thorns here, so be careful. 221 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,364 Hi. 222 00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,539 - MIGUEL: Más basura. - GUILLERMO: Aquí estamos. 223 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,410 - Ta-da. - [SILVIA GASPING] 224 00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,543 Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad? 225 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,545 - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - Bueno, bienvenidos. 226 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,505 Mira estos platos, qué lujosos. 227 00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:26,984 She's really impressed. 228 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:30,379 ¿Te dieron una promoción en el Panera o qué? 229 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,207 No, no, no, mamá. Trabaja en el ferrocarril, 230 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,382 ¿recuerdas? 231 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:34,383 VALERIA: Oh, you're still at the railroad. 232 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,427 You're working at the railroad? 233 00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,168 Yeah, I work at the railroad. 234 00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,127 What happened to the Panera Bread? 235 00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:40,345 Speaking of bread, do you want some? 236 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,391 - Oh, I got a promotion. - That's right. 237 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,610 You got a promotion? 238 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,568 - Yeah. - How does a fool 239 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,919 get a promotion from a Panera Bread to a railroad? 240 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,617 - VALERIA: How does that happen? - It was a... 241 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,401 - It was at a train station. - A train station? 242 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:53,750 The Panera Bread was at the train station. 243 00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,273 - MIGUEL: What train station? - Penn Station. 244 00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,710 Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie. 245 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,712 There ain't no Panera Bread at Penn Station. 246 00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,713 - It was a pop-up. - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER IN SPANISH] 247 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,236 Pop-up shop. 248 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,672 Wow. 249 00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,587 Slower, don't pull! 250 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,937 [GASPING] Ooh, ooh! I have an idea. 251 00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,417 - What? - Let's watch Mamma Mia! 252 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,462 Uh, yes. 253 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,334 NADJA: Mamma Mia is my favorite, favorite 254 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:14,641 film to watch when I am missing my homeland, 255 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:18,166 but Laszlo never lets me watch it. He says... 256 00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,820 [MIMICKING LASZLO]: "My darling, I can't watch that. 257 00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,256 "It reminds me of all the bastard children 258 00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,606 I fathered when I was a human." 259 00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,478 SEAN: Then the other two guys, 260 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,306 they hear this screech in the woods. 261 00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:30,700 And they hightail it out of there, 262 00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:34,095 but they never found the third guy... 263 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880 ...because you know who got him? 264 00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,099 LASZLO: The Jersey Devil. 265 00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:39,404 - NANDOR: The Jersey Devil. - SEAN: Uh-huh. 266 00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,928 COLIN: Hey, Mr. Rinaldi, 267 00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,364 - guess what? - SEAN: What? 268 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,496 I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real. 269 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:45,889 SEAN: All righty, then. 270 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,979 I guess is not my fault if he comes and eats you. 271 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,678 Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like? 272 00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:54,289 He's got dragon wings, 273 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,900 and a half-goat horse face 274 00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:59,250 with a chinstrap beard like an Amish. 275 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,601 And he's got hooves and horns, 276 00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:04,255 and two low-hanging balls 277 00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,910 with a button cock on top. 278 00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,477 [WHISPERING]: Fantastic. 279 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,480 And he creeps through the Pine Barrens, 280 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:15,615 looking for little kids who don't believe in him. 281 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,008 And he goes, "clomp, clomp, 282 00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,401 clomp!" 283 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,185 - [GUNSHOT] - [ALL YELP] 284 00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,579 SEAN: Uh... Everyone all right? 285 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,451 I got to fix the safety on that one, huh? 286 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,366 No, the Jersey Devil is not real. 287 00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,760 It is just a myth that vampires made up 288 00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,763 to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods. 289 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:36,548 Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, 290 00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,812 he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had. 291 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,727 Sean is your best friend? 292 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:41,902 Yes. Why? 293 00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,644 No reason. 294 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,385 Here's to spending the weekend with you, Sean. 295 00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:48,430 I'll drink to that. 296 00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:50,519 Yes, cheers. 297 00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,564 There's just something special about "guy time," you know? 298 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:54,088 - LASZLO: Hear, hear. - Yes. 299 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:57,439 [CRICKETS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTING] 300 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,223 - [SEAN SNORING] - [IPAD CHIMING] 301 00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:01,617 Sean, time to go beddy bye. 302 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,879 - [SLURRING]: Whatever. - Here we go. 303 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:03,880 I got a deer. 304 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,012 Mind your head. 305 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,927 - Ooh, that hurt. - What are you doing? 306 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,711 COLIN: This is seriously 307 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,495 the funnest level I've ever done on Roblox. 308 00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:11,496 Is it as cool as this? 309 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:12,889 NANDOR: Careful, Laszlo. 310 00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,369 Take it from a soldier: 311 00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,066 That thing is a weapon, not a toy. 312 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,546 The last time you saw battle 313 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,766 it was just swords and wooden clubs. 314 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,681 I'd hardly call you an authority. 315 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,944 - [MIMICS SHEEP BLEATING] - [IPAD CHIMES] 316 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:26,076 [LASZLO LAUGHS MANIACALLY] 317 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,557 ALL: ♪ Oh, when you're near me, darling ♪ 318 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,254 ♪ Can you hear me ♪ 319 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,517 ♪ S.O.S. ♪ 320 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,345 ♪ And the love you gave me... ♪ 321 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:37,522 Ah. This dynamo needs a top-up. 322 00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:38,698 So, uh, I'm gonna go and get one. Anyone else? 323 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,308 - No, I'm good. - Nah. 324 00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,657 Do you want me to pause it or... 325 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,919 Oh, no, don't worry. I'll only be a moment. 326 00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:45,008 NADJA: ♪ The love you gave me ♪ 327 00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,749 - ♪ Nothing else can save me ♪ - [CHATTER IN DISTANCE] 328 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,099 ♪ S.O.S... ♪ 329 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,927 [INDISTINCT CHATTER, SALSA MUSIC PLAYING] 330 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,718 Oh. Hallo. 331 00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,547 - [GASPS] Whose this, Guillermo? - The maid. 332 00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:03,461 I'm Nadja of Antipaxos. 333 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,246 I'm rich now, so I have... 334 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,464 I have a maid. 335 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,640 ¿Es tu novia, no? 336 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,077 - [SOFT CHATTER] - Sí, sí, es que... 337 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,774 Girlfriend? Since when? 338 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,298 GUILLERMO: Yeah. I did say Nadja was my girlfriend. 339 00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,823 The lies just pile up on top of each other, you know? 340 00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,738 Over the years, you just can't keep track. [CHUCKLES] 341 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,696 Isn't that right, Nadja? You're both 342 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,785 my girlfriend and... 343 00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,310 - ...my maid. - SILVIA: Wow. 344 00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:28,356 It all started, actually, when my mom was trying 345 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,574 to set me up with her church friend's niece 346 00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,228 and just to get her off my back, 347 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,404 I said I was dating Nadja. 348 00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:35,711 Please don't tell Laszlo. 349 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,713 Es como Daphne y Niles. 350 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,019 VALERIA: Daphne wasn't the maid. 351 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,543 She was Frasier's dad's physical therapist. 352 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:43,371 - Right? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER IN SPANISH] 353 00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,068 Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí? 354 00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:47,114 - Join us. - Uh... 355 00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,506 SILVIA: Por favor. 356 00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,421 Okay. [CHUCKLES] Lovely. 357 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,641 [NADJA LAUGHING] 358 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,122 VALERIA: Guillermo, your girlfriend was here this whole time, 359 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:57,472 and you didn't invite her to eat with your family? 360 00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:00,649 Yes, Guillermo can be a little bit of a big rotten shit bag. 361 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,390 - MIGUEL: [CACKLING] ¿Te llamó shit bag? - Yeah. 362 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,610 One of my many sweet little cheeky pet names for him. 363 00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,308 My boyfriend and... 364 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:11,225 - ...boss. [CLEARS THROAT] - MAITE: Guillermo, 365 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,053 ¿me puedes enseñar dónde está el baño? 366 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,619 GUILLERMO: Sí, claro, abuelita. 367 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,230 - [CHATTER IN SPANISH] - SILVIA: Nadja, hola. 368 00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,753 I am his mom. 369 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,363 - Bienvenidos. - Sí. 370 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:22,540 Oh, sí, claro. 371 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,253 GUILLERMO: I mean, I guess I never thought of it before, 372 00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:40,341 but, yeah, it makes sense. 373 00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:41,995 If I have Van Helsing DNA, 374 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,084 then so would my grandma and the rest of my family. 375 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,476 Which makes it 376 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,348 not-a-so good. 377 00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,535 Los goosebumps. 378 00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,843 [IPAD CHIMING] 379 00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:10,719 LASZLO: I haven't a clue who this 380 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,113 Gena Lee Nolin is, but... 381 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,897 I wouldn't mind that in my lunch box. 382 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,595 NANDOR: I have a question, Laszlo. 383 00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,771 What did you mean by what you said before? 384 00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,122 - What did I say before? - About the pistol. 385 00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:23,950 You said I was hardly an authority. 386 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,516 LASZLO: Well, exactly that. 387 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,302 You haven't seen any action in nigh on a millennium. 388 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:31,000 Probably more accurate to call you a former soldier 389 00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:32,567 than a real soldier, wouldn't you say? 390 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:36,963 I am and always will be Nandor the Relentless. 391 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,790 I suppose I should not expect you to understand 392 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,531 what it means to be a soldier. 393 00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:44,057 Were you not kicked out of your Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants 394 00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,841 college for wealthy lads? 395 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,453 I think you're referring to Eton, 396 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:51,499 and I told you that in confidence. 397 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,675 NANDOR: Surprise, surprise. 398 00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,546 The talk suddenly turns to Laszlo 399 00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:57,331 and he's put his sticky mag down. 400 00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,202 I was listening to everything. 401 00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:01,161 It's just the same old, shrill tune. 402 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,684 NANDOR: Sounds like someone's 403 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:05,339 a little jealous he's not the number one guy in the house. 404 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:07,863 Says the guy who left the house to "find himself" 405 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,083 and come back with his tail between his legs. 406 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:12,128 That was an important step in my personal journey. 407 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,913 And a good thing I did come back 408 00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,524 since the house went to piss-filled shit on your watch. 409 00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,830 You remember to watch your language in front of my boy. 410 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,050 Piss-filled shit house! 411 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,095 Did you get that? 412 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:23,705 - Yep. - I shouldn't be surprised. 413 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,969 All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano 414 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,753 or have sex with Nadja 415 00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,103 wherever and whenever you please! 416 00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,756 How is that an insult? 417 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,369 Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit. 418 00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,197 NANDOR: You take and you take and you take. 419 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,242 You took the seat in the Honda Element 420 00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:41,549 that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, 421 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:42,898 even though you know 422 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,726 that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element 423 00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:45,814 pushed right far back, 424 00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:47,903 and I have the longer legs! 425 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,558 ♪ 426 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:54,127 Did you just cock your weapon at me? 427 00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:58,044 I took that seat so I would have a diagonal vantage point 428 00:15:58,087 --> 00:16:00,568 to talk to my friend Sean fluidly. 429 00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,178 NANDOR: I should've known. 430 00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:05,660 All the way back when we first moved into the mansion 431 00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,010 and you had first pick of the bedchambers, 432 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:11,187 even though we all agreed that I would have first pick! 433 00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:12,449 Now you're being absurd. 434 00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:15,975 What the fuck's that? 435 00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:20,588 "Whereas we three vampires do agree 436 00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:24,635 "upon the following order for the selection of bedchambers 437 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,159 "on our new home 438 00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,030 on the rocky shores of Staten Island." 439 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,162 [CHUCKLES] 440 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:32,165 "First pick, Nandor the Relentless." 441 00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:35,690 Well, suck on this. "Amendment: In the absence of all 442 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,258 "household vampires at the appointed time 443 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,042 "of bedchamber selection, 444 00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:42,827 "a quorum of two-thirds present 445 00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:46,657 may... pro... ceed." 446 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:48,094 NANDOR: Unbelievable. 447 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:50,183 You can't even stand to lose an argument, can you? 448 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,271 You know what you are? 449 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:54,535 You are what my best friend Sean 450 00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,581 might describe as a proper jabroni. 451 00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,323 Shit. 452 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,629 I am not a jabroni. 453 00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,022 - You are jabroni! - Jabroni. 454 00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,023 - Jabroni. - Jabroni. 455 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,807 - Jabroni. - Jabroni. 456 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:06,895 Jabroni. 457 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,723 Aah! Shit! 458 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,768 Shit, you shot me in the fucking hand. 459 00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,161 - Well, you would... - NANDOR: Ow! 460 00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,728 SEAN: What the hell is going on in here? 461 00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:14,946 I heard shots. 462 00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:16,513 No, you didn't. 463 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:17,862 - Where's the kid? - NANDOR: He was right there. 464 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,995 - SEAN: Door's open. - LASZLO: It's... Aw, shit. 465 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,692 Oh, shit. 466 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,346 [LAUGHTER] 467 00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,132 So you actually enjoy to eat a bowl of fungus. 468 00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,351 - Voluntarily? - All kinds of fungus. 469 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,440 I'm not a "fun-guy." [LAUGHING] 470 00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,094 NADJA: At first, I had no interest 471 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,357 in pretending to be whoever this Daphne person is, 472 00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:38,187 but I am loving Gizmo's family. 473 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,102 You're so lovely and nice, compared to... 474 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:43,540 Oh, here he is, my rotten little shit bag. 475 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,412 - Come here. - [LAUGHING] 476 00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,762 I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling 477 00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,634 moonbeams are related to such a gray dud. 478 00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:53,376 Do all of you have a very bad visions like Guillermo? 479 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,291 'Cause I have heard that the broken eyes 480 00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,858 can run in the families. 481 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,512 No, no, no. I used to, but then I got 482 00:17:58,555 --> 00:17:59,904 the laser treatment, you know, that... 483 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:00,818 [WHISTLING] The Lasik. 484 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:02,081 Lay-kips? 485 00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,083 - No. Lasik. - Lipschitz. 486 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,171 - [YELLING] Lasik! - [CLATTERING] 487 00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,563 VALERIA: Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate. 488 00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:08,304 - That's what I said. - MIGUEL: Sorry. I'm sorry. 489 00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,045 I didn't mean to yell all like that. 490 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,829 I don't know what came over me. I just... you know. It's Lasik. 491 00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:14,223 - People know about this shit. - Uh... So, anyway, 492 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,312 in my family we don't have the broken eyes, 493 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,184 but all of the men have one arm 494 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,750 quite a bit shorter than the other arm. 495 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:22,144 MIGUEL: Fuck, is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me? 496 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:25,147 Miguel, will you let her tell her fucking story? 497 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,106 - Oh, oh. - MIGUEL: Má. 498 00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:29,934 VALERIA: Please, go on. Please, please. 499 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:30,892 And so where-where was I? 500 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,937 So the neighbors 501 00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:33,982 would shout at all the men, 502 00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:35,157 "Make your arms the same length!" 503 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,202 I'm fucking, like about to catch on fire 504 00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,507 - or some shit. - [SPANISH CHATTER] 505 00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,161 MIGUEL: Something's fucking wrong, Memo. 506 00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:42,730 [SHRIEKS] Eres un monstruo y debes de morir. 507 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,688 What the fuck?! 508 00:18:44,732 --> 00:18:47,561 Demonio maldito chupa sangre, 509 00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,476 - aléjate de mi nieto. - [CLAMORING] 510 00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,347 [NADJA SCREAMING] 511 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,915 Abuelita, abuelita. 512 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,832 - Fucking hell! - [CLAMORING] 513 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,225 GUILLERMO: Abuelita, abuelita. 514 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,965 - [NADJA SHRIEKS] - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 515 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,576 [INDISTINCT SHOUTS] 516 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:05,622 Why is there so much fucking sharp wood in this house?! 517 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,581 [OVERLAPPING SHOUTS] 518 00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,627 GUILLERMO: Nadja, I really have to tell you something about my family! 519 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:12,499 Yes, Guillermo, I've put it together, 520 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:13,413 - you bloody moron. - GUILLERMO: !¡Mami, no! 521 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,066 [SHOUTS] 522 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,025 Oh, my God, we're here for a wedding... 523 00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,635 GUIDE: I think it's Pierce Brosnan. 524 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,420 He has to be the papa, no? 525 00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,378 - DOLL NADJA: Obviously. - I hope he is, 526 00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,946 but I worry there will be a twist. 527 00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,687 How long is this movie? 528 00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:27,775 GUILLERMO: Nadja! 529 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:29,820 You come into my house? 530 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:33,084 Do you have any idea who the fuck you are messing with? 531 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,086 - [YELLING IN SPANISH] - Never mind. 532 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,264 Don't hurt her! 533 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:39,700 MAITE: !¡Demonio! 534 00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,876 [GRUNTING] No. No, no. 535 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,269 Stop, stop, stop, stop, don't hurt her! 536 00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:45,053 No, Mami. No, no, no! 537 00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:47,577 Guillermo, ella es un monstruo, peligroso, malvado. 538 00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,666 Yes, I know, I know, okay? I know she's a vampire. 539 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:52,147 I've always known. Nadja lives in this house. 540 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,541 Okay? And so do another group of vampires. 541 00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,673 - And I don't work at the railroad. - [SHUSHES] 542 00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,327 I work for them. 543 00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,242 - [GROANS] - I work for the vampires who live here 544 00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,636 because I hope to become a vampire myself one day. 545 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,725 - [GASPS] - And Nadja is not my girlfriend... 546 00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,250 ...because I'm gay. 547 00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,947 Aw. 548 00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,864 - [SIGHS] Mijo. - Wait. 549 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:14,822 You want to be a vampire? 550 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,258 NADJA: Hey! 551 00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,652 Being a vampire is very cool. [HISSES] 552 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,523 We don't give a shit about you being gay. 553 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,785 We've known that forever, I mean... 554 00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:23,309 - Yeah, we knew that. - Una madre sabe. 555 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,311 - Una madre sabe. - Really? Everyone knew? 556 00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:26,399 - MIGUEL: Come on, Mo. - ¿Todos? 557 00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:27,704 Familia es familia, homie. 558 00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:29,837 [WHOOPS] I was so worried because I... 559 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,839 - We love you. - Oh, mami, gracias. 560 00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,667 [LAUGHING] 561 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,712 - Oh, gracias. - [NADJA HISSES] 562 00:20:35,756 --> 00:20:37,584 - No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you. - Ay! 563 00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:40,326 Come out, Baby Colin Robinson. 564 00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,676 - LASZLO: Nandor. - Oh, Baby Colin Robinson! 565 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:45,287 Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I... 566 00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,463 You shot me. 567 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:48,899 See? 568 00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,988 LASZLO: No, I shot at you, it's true. 569 00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,817 But you've been a fucking pill this whole trip, 570 00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,079 and for no good reason. 571 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,299 Maybe I did have a reason, 572 00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,518 which was... 573 00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,824 I was a little upset 574 00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,958 thinking about "guy time," 575 00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,916 how we don't have it so much, you and I. 576 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,701 We used to. Now you're always 577 00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,398 clinking beers with Sean 578 00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:13,272 or rehearsing songs with the Baby Colin Robinson. 579 00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:15,143 We never hang anymore. 580 00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:16,449 Bro, I'm not very comfortable 581 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,581 with emotional flamboyance, as well you know. 582 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,453 I'll be brief. 583 00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,672 My feelings aren't too dissimilar to your own. 584 00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:24,152 I've missed us. 585 00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,067 - All right. - [IPAD CHIMING] 586 00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,111 Baby Colin! 587 00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:28,983 - LASZLO: Boy! - Baby. 588 00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,812 Hey, guys. 589 00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,814 What have I told you about running off, you little prick? 590 00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:35,468 I heard something weird outside, 591 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,034 but you were too busy fighting about jabronis and... 592 00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:39,123 - SEAN: Help! - Sean? 593 00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,516 - Shit. - NANDOR: Quickly. 594 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,257 Oh, boy. 595 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,346 - LASZLO: Over there. - COLIN: Jeepers. 596 00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,261 - NANDOR: The fuck is that shit? - SEAN: Kill me! 597 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,307 The Jersey Devil, fucking hell. 598 00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,526 NANDOR: He's real? Look at the size of his balls. 599 00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,528 Where's my magic flute? 600 00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,965 I hid it in the car 'cause it was annoying me. 601 00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:58,491 SEAN: Kill me and get it over with! 602 00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,884 - NANDOR: Shoo. Go away. - [GROWLS] 603 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:02,973 ♪ 604 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,544 Yes, it's working. 605 00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:09,545 [SNARLS] 606 00:22:09,589 --> 00:22:10,981 He's falling under your spell. 607 00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:15,159 - Yes. - [GROWLS] 608 00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:17,074 Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa. 609 00:22:17,118 --> 00:22:18,162 COLIN: Oh, shit. 610 00:22:18,206 --> 00:22:19,686 - I'm gonna get my shotty. - Nandor... 611 00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,731 I've been double crossed by the devil. 612 00:22:21,775 --> 00:22:23,777 Hey, fuckhead, that's my friend you've got there, 613 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:24,778 you let him go! 614 00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,562 - Hey! - [SCREECHES] 615 00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:27,737 - Lights out! - Aah! 616 00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,217 - Kick him in the dick. - Oh, yes. 617 00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,132 - He's on me! - He's not going down. 618 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:33,177 - [GRUNTS] - Oh, shit. 619 00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:34,962 [GROWLS] 620 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:37,399 Hey, Siri, play some New Jersey music. 621 00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:38,966 [LIVING ON A PRAYER" BY BON JOVI PLAYING] 622 00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:40,402 Get your hands off my ass. 623 00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:41,969 LASZLO: This isn't what I want to be doing. 624 00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:43,579 Grab his balls, man. 625 00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:46,060 - I've got them, I've got them! - No, that's me. 626 00:22:46,103 --> 00:22:48,802 [GRUNTING] 627 00:22:48,845 --> 00:22:51,282 Fucking hell. 628 00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:54,808 ♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪ 629 00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,723 ♪ Union's been on strike ♪ 630 00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:58,333 Hold on, I'll skip to the good part. 631 00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,075 ♪ We're halfway there ♪ 632 00:23:01,118 --> 00:23:02,511 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 633 00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:04,644 - ♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪ - COLIN: Yeah. 634 00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:06,907 - ♪ Take my hand... ♪ - Get him, Lazzo. 635 00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,430 - ♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪ - LASZLO: Human form! 636 00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,432 ♪ Whoa-oh... ♪ 637 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:13,130 Kill him, get his button cock. 638 00:23:13,174 --> 00:23:14,480 It's working, I'm draining him. 639 00:23:14,523 --> 00:23:16,917 I'm draining him, too. 640 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,440 Hey, I found the rifle! 641 00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,050 [GROANS] 642 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,661 Fucking Jersey. 643 00:23:21,704 --> 00:23:23,271 Okay, can we go home now? 644 00:23:23,314 --> 00:23:26,448 Prepare to die, you vile 645 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:27,667 - vampire... - No, Nadja, no, don't, please. 646 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,364 Okay? I didn't know you were even here, 647 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:30,887 - and I tried to warn you... - Shut up, Guillermo. 648 00:23:30,931 --> 00:23:32,149 I am about to drink 649 00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,151 the blood of your entire family 650 00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:35,457 of vampire-killing evil verm... 651 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,067 No, no, stop, okay? Please. 652 00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:38,547 I'm begging you. Just hypnotize them, okay? 653 00:23:38,591 --> 00:23:39,722 Hypnotize them so they forget everything. 654 00:23:39,766 --> 00:23:41,289 Like it or not, they're my family. 655 00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:43,770 Just... just like you're my family, Nadja. 656 00:23:43,813 --> 00:23:46,381 NADJA: I so rarely care what Guillermo thinks 657 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:47,600 or feels or says or does, 658 00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:49,384 but I know what it is like 659 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,430 to watch your entire family die in front of you. 660 00:23:51,473 --> 00:23:53,388 And it's not great. 661 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,043 I watched my Uncle Andreas get crushed to death by a donkey, 662 00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:57,436 and the donkey was his wife. 663 00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:59,786 And then she, the donkey, died of alcoholism. 664 00:23:59,829 --> 00:24:03,093 And now I have had no real family for hundreds of years. 665 00:24:03,137 --> 00:24:05,139 Also, if Guillermo doesn't have a family, 666 00:24:05,182 --> 00:24:06,880 is he going to start calling me "mami"? 667 00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:08,751 Bad enough his relationship with Nandor, so, no, thank you. 668 00:24:08,795 --> 00:24:09,752 [RETCHING] 669 00:24:09,796 --> 00:24:11,058 Okay, fine! 670 00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:12,668 - But on one condition. - Anything. 671 00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,149 Keep Nandor, Laszlo, and the small Colin creature 672 00:24:15,192 --> 00:24:17,151 away from the house at least one night a month 673 00:24:17,194 --> 00:24:18,457 so I can have it to myself. 674 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:19,458 And... 675 00:24:19,501 --> 00:24:21,895 obtain for me a copy of... 676 00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:26,421 Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again. 677 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,249 I'm just super glad that everything worked out. 678 00:24:28,292 --> 00:24:30,033 And that my family is safe. 679 00:24:30,077 --> 00:24:33,123 And that they were hypnotized and now the house will be safe. 680 00:24:33,167 --> 00:24:34,908 Most importantly, I'm just glad that 681 00:24:34,951 --> 00:24:37,301 they finally know the truth about me. 682 00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:39,042 Well, besides the bit about you working at the railroad. 683 00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:40,043 Okay, yeah. 684 00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:41,392 And the giant bit 685 00:24:41,436 --> 00:24:43,307 about you being desperate to be a vampire. 686 00:24:43,351 --> 00:24:44,874 Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure 687 00:24:44,918 --> 00:24:46,876 that they remember the part about me... 688 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,575 telling them that I'm gay, so... 689 00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:50,576 NADJA: I mean, 690 00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:51,707 who isn't gay? 691 00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:52,839 A lot of people. 692 00:24:52,882 --> 00:24:54,318 Oh, okay. [WHOOPS] 693 00:24:54,362 --> 00:24:55,972 I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry. 694 00:24:56,016 --> 00:24:58,932 [SIGHS] Shade. 695 00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:01,717 NANDOR: After we vanquished the Jersey Devil, we drove home 696 00:25:01,761 --> 00:25:04,198 - before sunrise. - No, I drove. 697 00:25:04,241 --> 00:25:06,200 We hypnotized Sean, but I'm worried that we fucked him. 698 00:25:06,243 --> 00:25:08,028 - Oh, you can make a pizza tree? - Uh-huh. 699 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:11,205 SEAN: I just made ten Robux. What's the street value to that? 700 00:25:11,248 --> 00:25:13,424 NANDOR: But we did manage to bring home a little 701 00:25:13,468 --> 00:25:15,165 souvenir from our weekend. 702 00:25:15,209 --> 00:25:16,863 ♪ 703 00:25:16,906 --> 00:25:18,299 What the fuck is that? 704 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:24,131 ["DEVIL'S GOTTA DANCE" BY BRYAN PAUL BELL PLAYING] 705 00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:26,481 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 706 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,005 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 707 00:25:29,049 --> 00:25:32,922 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 708 00:25:32,966 --> 00:25:37,057 ♪ Just let the preacher know I did due diligence ♪ 709 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:39,581 ♪ But the saints don't stand a chance ♪ 710 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:42,453 ♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪ 711 00:25:46,457 --> 00:25:50,549 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 712 00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:58,295 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance. ♪53888

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.