Original subtitles

Taxi!

Where to?

I don't know. - Joyride? Spin round the park?

No, no, no, there's somewhere I have to go, there's someone I have to see.

It's very urgent. - Come on, guv, make up your mind.

I can't remember where or who it is I have to see.

What's this all about?

I can't remember that either.

I can't even remember who I am.

12 down: "An abbreviated story usually of an amusing nature."

Eight letters.

Mini quip?

Anecdote.

15 across.

Tall man, well built, wearing a tweed overcoat.

How many letters?

Man down there, seems very interested in this place.

There, you know him?

It's Sean, Sean Mortimer. Sean!

Sean!

Something seems wrong.

Sean?

Sean!

Do you know me?

Well, of course I know you.

What's my name? - Sean Mortimer.

Sean Mortimer. - Come inside, I think you need a drink.

Sean Mortimer. - How do you do?

No, you're Sean Mortimer. This is Mrs Peel.

Oh.

And who are you?

John Steed.

And who is he? - Don't you start.

I mean, what does he do? - He's an agent, my department,

he's been missing for two weeks.

Missing on all cylinders.

Here you are, then, wrap yourself around that.

Ah, thank you.

You are Mrs Peel. - That's right.

Who are you? - You must know who I am.

You found your way to my address.

Yes, I walked, long way.

The street felt familiar, so I turned down it.

There was someone I had to see.

Steed. - Steed? Who's Steed?

Now Sean, look, we trained together. We're in the same organisation.

Organisation, that's it. Something to do with an organisation.

It was ... I had to tell something to somebody.

Tell them what?

The organisation and a traitor - that's it.

A traitor inside the organisation. - Who?

Who? - I don't remember.

Stay with him. See what else you can get.

Where will you be?

Situation like this, I'll just have to go and see Mother.

You know, you must be president of Anonymous' Anonymous.

There's not a thing, not a single scrap of identification.

Nothing to tell who you are, or where you have been.

But you said you knew who I am. - I do.

Sean Mortimer. You said I was Sean Mortimer.

And so you are. What happened?

Was there an accident? Did you get hit on the head?

No, I don't think so.

You've been missing for two weeks, you know.

Two weeks? And a week has seven days, hasn't it?

And your name is Mrs Peel.

That's right.

And the man who just left, can you remember his name?

Steed. John Steed.

Correct.

There was somebody else.

Mother?

There's always Mother.

Morning, Giles. - Oh, good morning, sir.

Is Mother at home? - Yes, sir. Hasn't been out all week.

Poor thing.

How are the bulbs coming on?

Coming along nicely, sir.

Oh, no, no, no!

69! Over there!

Your target is over there, 69!

Over there! - What?

Oh.

I'm terribly sorry about this, sir, terribly sorry.

Why, it's you, sir!

I do hope you understand, sir. Troop!

These new recruits, sir, a touch over-eager.

A touch? Well, there's no harm done.

Well, it's very sporting of you to take it like that, sir.

Not at all. Pleasure.

Thank you, Mr Steed.

Released!

Jenkins! - Oh, good morning, sir.

Is Mother busy?

At the momoent I'm afraid so, sir, but if you'd care to wait.

Thank you. You'll tell Mother I'm here, won't you?

Immediately, sir.

I see a big building.

Dirty. Cobwebs. Glass.

Spectacles, or that?

I don't remember. I'm sorry.

You're doing very well. Just take it step by step.

You're very patient. - Ah ha, not by nature.

Let's try a word association. Say the first thing that comes into your mind.

Black. - White.

Up. - Down.

Bed. - Sleep.

Attack. - Motorbike.

I see two motorbikes.

Two men.

Karl here.

Sorry I couldn't get in touch with you before. Been busy. How's it going?

Well, Mortimer's still in Steed's apartment. Steed left some time ago.

I know. He's here now waiting to see Mother.

He didn't leave Mortimer on this own? - No, the woman's with him, Mrs Peel.

Look, that drug may be wearing off. If it does and he remembers...

I know. All right, move in and grab him.

And Mrs Peel?

I'd rather she didn't have any happy memories.

Now let's start again.

Here, go get his coat.

Hello. - Hello, who are you?

I'm Tara.

You didn't say it.

Say what? - Raboomdiya.

I very seldom do.

Practically everyone does when they hear my name. Tara, you see.

Tararaboomdiya.

Incredibly subtle.

My full name's Tara King. Miss.

Well, it's very nice to meet you.

You didn't think so a few minutes ago.

A few min...

Oh, so that was you?

It was me. I'm terribly sorry. I'm training here, you see.

So I gathered.

You're John Steed, aren't you? - Yes.

My feeding time is 1:30.

I'm awfully sorry, I was staring.

You was.

I know everything about you.

Everything? - Everything.

That's on your file. - Oh.

Your name crops up almost every day in training.

We're taught the Steed method for this and the Steed method for that.

"No, no, that's not the way John Steed would have done it."

Or, "Yes, exactly, that's just how John Steed would..."

You've rather a reputation. You're the head boy, the star pupil.

You'll want my address and phone number.

I beg your pardon?

I told you I saw your file. It details everything.

Even your Achilles' heel.

Rubber-soled shoes?

The opposite sex.

I was going to write it with invisible ink, but I couldn't find any.

You do want my address, don't you?

Oh, a gentleman could hardly refuse.

You're not going to put it in your wallet?

Course not! Restricted information. There.

Steed. - Simon!

Have you two met? Simon Filson. - We've met.

Mother will see you now. - Good. Excuse me.

Mother?

John! Sit yourself down!

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Oh, it's all right.

Hot line to Washington?

Lukewarm line, things are very quiet I'm afraid.

What are you doing here? - Sean Mortimer.

Mortimer's missing. - Not any more, he's at my apartment.

You'd like a drink I imagine?

No, it's all right. I can manage.

It's the only exercise I get.

Got to keep fit.

Mortimer's on the suspect list. I suppose you know that.

Yes.

If a man goes missing, we must presume that he's defected.

Understandable.

Soda? - Thank you.

What's Mortimer doing at your place?

Trying to remember. He seems to be suffering from some kind of amnesia.

Drugged? - Possibly.

Brainwashed? - Perhaps.

Cheers. - Cheers.

One thing he does remember he says is there's a traitor in the organisation.

What do you need? - A team of experts standing by.

Doctors, psychiatrists, specialists in brainwashing.

They'll be here. Go and bring Mortimer in.

Ah, Mrs Peel, where is he?

Eh? Where's who?

Sean Mortimer. Sean?

And who is Sean Mortimer?

Now, don't be ridiculous. I left him sitting there on the sofa.

Nobody was here, certainly nobody called Mortimer, I would've remembered.

Hey, Steed, have you been having hallucinations?

What do you mean, Steed? You said he was there. How could he have gone?

Mother is going to be very cross.

John, Mother. Now, what's all this about?

It's Mortimer, sir, he's missing again.

I see. Where's he gone?

I've no idea, he's just vanished.

And Mother, that team of experts,

are they still standing by?

If Mortimer's missing, we won't be needing them.

They'll be needed all right, for Mrs Peel.

Here we are, one lump or two?

Filson? - Yes, Mother.

Get everything Steed requires and have it standing by.

Yes, Mother.

Here, what's the panic?

Steed, bringing Mrs Peel in.

It's rather an outre time of the day for a party, isn't it?

He is an eccentric party-giver.

Who did you say he was? - Mater, Professor Mater.

What's he professor of? - What's the 'pology you're interested in?

Anthro. - That's it, anthropologist, one of the best.

But I've never heard of him. - Way ahead of his time.

Brad, the boss just phoned. Another job for us, urgent.

Well, she's not working. - We'll take this one. Come on, come on!

Rather on the spur of the moment, wasn't it, this party invitation?

He's that kind of chap, impetuous.

And eccentric.

You said the invitation included me. - Specifically.

How did this professor, whatever his name is, know that I'd be at your apartment?

Intuition?

Why does he want to meet me anyway?

He wants to examine you.

Examine me?

Yes, he wants to examine your theories on anthropology.

Well, how does he know I've got any?

Look out!

Are you all right?

You take her back to the glass factory.

Who are you?

He should have been here hours ago.

I know, I know, I know! Something's happened.

Begging your pardon, sir, but what could have happened?

Steed was merely bringing Mrs Peel from his apartment to here.

You know the business we're in. Anything can happen.

We've had no official contact from Steed for nearly nine hours.

Well, sir, according to regulations... - Don't quote the regulations to me, I made them!

All right, put Steed's name on the suspect list.

Warn all agents he could be a possible enemy.

Yes, Mother.

Burton, get a communique out to all agents immediately.

Name to be added to the suspect list.

Who? - John Steed.

What? - Mother's orders and Mother knows best.

Not Steed. What's he done? - Defected to the other side.

You don't know that to be a fact.

No, but Sean Mortimer did discover a traitor in the organisation.

Steed?

Even the biggest idols can have feet of clay.

This is really very strange.

Certainly a coincidence

that we both seem to be suffering from amnesia.

What's amnesia? - Loss of memory.

Ah. Who's lost their memory?

We have. - Oh, sorry.

I'd forgotten.

Steed. - Steed.

I remember the name Steed.

So do I!

That must be you then.

Well, it must be. - How do you do?

Now we're getting somewhere, eh, Steed?

And I remember another name, Peel.

Peel! That must be me!

Oh.

What about Mother? - Mother?

I keep remembering Mother.

I don't honestly think that can be either of us.

At least we know you're Steed and I'm Peel.

Where do we go from here?

Not far I'm afraid, the door's locked.

There doesn't seem to be any way out. - There doesn't, does there?

You know, I don't actually remember, but I think we're prisoners.

Doctor. - Coming round is he?

What's your name? Did you complete the examination?

No physical injuries. The x-ray's negative.

Hm, probably drink.

What's your name?

It's really very embarrassing, but... I can't remember.

What were you doing wandering down that country lane?

What country lane? - There'something terribly wrong, Doctor.

One drink too many, that's what's wrong with him.

Give him a sedative.

It's no good, Mrs Peel.

Mrs Peel. - That's me!

But if you are me, who am I?

Ah.

Now, I'm Emma Peel, right?

Right.

Then you must be...

Feeling better?

Huh! I would if I knew who I was.

My pockets. - Empty.

Nothing to tell us who you are.

Would you do me a great favour?

Yes.

I'd love a cup of tea.

Course.

And where do you think you're going? - Heh! Out.

Oh, no, there are still some enquiries to be made about you.

Ah!

"Tara King. 9, Primrose Crescent."

Tara? - Simon?

We've had news of Steed.

A man answering his description attacked a doctor at a local hospital.

Looks as though I was right. - You assume too much, Simon, you really do.

Don't move! ls your name King? Tara King?

Don't be alarmed. I want to talk, that's all. Just talk.

I suppose you know you're on the wanted list.

I knew it! The way I opened that lock, as though I'd been doing it all my life.

I'm a burglar. - They think you've defected.

Defected?

Who are "they"? - The organisation.

Simon said you've let Mother down badly.

Let Mother down?

Must be a thoroughly bad lot.

You are John Steed.

Who's he?

He loves me, he loves me not.

He loves me, he loves me not.

Steed ... S...

John Steed!

Me?

Do you remember who he is? - Mm-hm.

We were going to a party, just driving along.

And then there were two men.

On motorbikes? - We've got to find a way out of here.

No chance, no chance at all.

I'm John Steed.

I work with Mother.

There's something missing. There was ...

A woman.

Me?

No.

There was a woman.

My apartment! That's where it all started, my apartment.

Where is my apartment? - Don't you remember?

No. Don't you?

I told you! You're a secret agent. Your address is restricted information.

Well, couldn't you find out? - Well, I suppose I could...

Good girl! - I could look in Mother's file.

I'll wait here. Phone me as soon as you have it.

Hello? Hello, hello?

Hello? Steed?

Steed, I found it. - Go ahead.

Listen, you live at 3, Stable Mews.

3, Stable Mews. 3, Stable Mews. Thank you very much, Miss ... Miss ...?

King. Tara King. Bye.

And what do you think you're doing here?

He's on the wanted list, isn't he?

If I'm going to help catch him, I'll have to find out all I can about him.

Won't I?

Sean Mortimer.

An-ec-dote.

Mrs Peel.

Mrs Emma Peel.

Must call Headquarters.

Where is Headquarters?

Ah, Miss King, I'm terribly sorry to bother you again,

but I want to contact Mother.

Do you have the number? - You're on the wanted list.

You told me that. The phone number?

Anyone on the wanted list, turn them in at once, those are the orders.

We've been through that. You offered to help. Surely you haven't... forgotten?

Sorry, but it's the rules.

See? You're using the single-handed death grip. Ooh!

It's recommended.

Your judo master teach you the counter to it?

No. - Agh!

Highly recommended.

I hate to do this to you. I just want to send you to sleep.

Mother's address.

There.

Steed.

That's far enough, Steed.

Mother? I'm sorry to disturb you. I'm afraid there's been a...

well, a bit of a mix-up.

Mother's not here.

Gone into hiding.

I'm not surprised. Mother is vulnerable at the best of times.

And with the possibility of a traitor in the organisation...

I thought we'd found our traitor.

Perhaps it'd be a good idea to hear me out.

Go ahead.

Well, there are gaps.

Blanks in my memory.

But there's one thing I do recall and that's Mrs Peel.

I was driving her along trying to find...

somewhere.

You were bringing her here for psychiatric examination.

Of course. Yes, yes.

We were ambushed on the road. Now, there were two men, that's right.

And one of them said to the other, "Take her to the glass house."

Well, you remember the glass house! That's where we did our basic training.

The glass house. The glass factory.

Yes, I remember it.

I haven't been to the glass house for ages. It'd be nice to see the old place again.

Yes, won't it?

Hold it.

I'm going along with you, but I haven't bought your story, you understand?

You want the next left turn.

Are you sure this'll work? - No, I'm not, but at least it's a try.

But supposing it... - Shh!

Status quo. - Not quite.

We've got this.

Mother? Filson here, sir. Sorry to disturb you so late.

Steed's just left, sir.

I wasn't ... compos mentis, sir.

Im not sure sir, but it looks as though he's taken Burton with him.

It was the other way around! - What? Seems pretty conclusive, sir.

They're using Burton as a hostage. Steed must be the traitor.

He fired a dart at me. It makes you lose your memory.

Miss King is confirming it. Steed fired some dart.

No, you fool! It's Burton! Burton's the traitor!

It can't be far now.

A quarter of a mile or so.

Aw!

Your directions were faultless, which I must say is surprising.

I don't think I'd have remembered how to get here.

It's an awful long time since we used this place.

Before you joined the organisation in fact.

Remarkable you should know it so well.

When did you defect to the other side, Burton?

I suppose that Sean found out you'd defected

and you used some kind of drug against him.

That's right. - Why didn't you kill him?

A killing would have stirred up too much too soon.

Besides, my orders were to test the drug. It works. Erases the memory.

Only temporarily.

It varies from person to person. Varies according to the dose used.

But it's close to perfection.

Meanwhile, a bullet erases the memory completely.

Karl? Karl!

Looks like I'll have to do the job myself.

There's a well over there.

Good place to hide a body. - Very good place.

Amazing thing!

The ringleader had a head start on me.

There was nothing to stop him getting away and suddenly he didn't get away.

I think he forgot to.

And talking of forgetting, just remind me, are you the man who...?

I'm afraid so. - It's very important, I must tell somebody.

There's a traitor in the organisation.

And who are you?

Yes, Mother, I've seen the papers.

Yes, it looks as though I'll be needing a replacement.

As soon as possible.

You know my taste.

I'll trust your judgement.

Steed?

You've seen the newspapers?

Yes.

Trust him to make a dramatic reappearance.

Found in a jungle.

The Amazonian jungle.

It's corny. - Ridiculous!

They've flown him back. He'll be picking me up in a few minutes.

Here?

Always keep your bowler on in times of stress.

And watch out for diabolical masterminds.

I'll remember.

Goodbye, Steed.

Emma?

Thanks.

Excuse me, apartment three?

At the top of the stairs. - Thanks.

Erm... he likes his tea stirred anticlockwise.

Mother sent me.

Raboomdiya!

Tea?

We love you, Emma! Subtitles by rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com