Original subtitles

... finally

may I impress upon you that this

is a matter of the utmost secrecy.

The report must on no account be discussed outside these four walls.

Each of you will read it in turn and then pass

it on to the man whose name is next on the list.

When you are all fully acquainted whit its contents

we will meet again to put its recommendations into effect.

That is all, gentlemen.

Thank you. You needn't wait any longer.

Very good sir.

- Darling! - Rodders!

I'm sorry the silly old meeting took so long.

What did you talk about?

Oooh! Routine stuff, all very dull I'm afraid.

Tell me about it.

Not now. We've got more important things to talk about.

I want to hear about the meeting.

But our little secrets are so boring my love, they couldn't

possibly interest a lovely girl like you.

Oh but that's where you're wrong Rodders,

I'm interested in everything about you,

especially your secrets.

What's the problem?

That's what I'm waiting to find out.

You know what a sticky wicket is, don't you?

A difficult one.

Well we're all batting on one now.

Why?

There's a security leak at the ministry.

Which department?

Missile re-deployment.

Hard luck!

That's impossible.

All missile personnel has a top Q.R. Security rating.

The evidence is overwhelming.

The other side seems to know our every move

almost before we make it.

Any suspects?

Every man in the department. I've had them under surveillance for two months.

Have you checked all their contacts.

With a microscope. Perfectly legitimate.

Who is in charge there?

Sir Rodney Kellogg.

So that's the situation my love.

The report proposed a streamlining of the divisional areas,

and an overhaul of the entire national security system.

Oh I see.

Though why should bother your pretty little

head with such tedious stuff is beyond me.

It's fascinating Rodney.

Only, there's just one thing that I'm not quite clear about.

Mmmm. And what's that my love?

Well what happens to the Purbeach

base after the re-organisation?

Oh, it will be used as a decoy.

Oh.

Err... the new centre of the east Anglian complex will be...

That's enough, sir Rodney.

Who... who are you?

Metcalfe... security.

I thought something like this was going on.

I must ask you both to accompany me to headquarters.

I'm sorry darling... It was all my fault.

No, no, my love.

It was I who was foolish. You mustn't blame yourself.

Oh but I do.

I got you into this mess and it's up to me to get you out.

Aaaahhhhhhh.......

Mmm.

Three shots... very civil.

You even shoot people in triplicate.

Yes?

Things are getting a bit hot I'm afraid.

What do you mean?

They're on to sir Rodney.

Then break contact. Throw him to the wolves.

That's exactly what I have done.

I'm putting you under house arrest pending a full enquiry.

See that he's confined to his office until further notice.

Yes sir.

There's one more thing sir Rodney.

Has it escaped your notice that there's been a security leak from this department.

What did he say?

Nothing... he looked at me as though I was speaking Mongolian.

So you don't think he knew who Metcalfe was.

I don't think he knew who anybody was.

He was too busy thinking about something else.

Any idea what?

No. He spent the entire interview in a kind of trance.

He kept looking into infinity with an idiotic smile in his face.

I wonder... would it be possible for me to see the personal file?

It's... mm.. In Mr. Tait's office.

I don't see why not sir. I'll fetch it for you.

Thank you. Thank you...

D'you think he's been got at?

Intimidation.

Blackmail.

Infatuation.

I must ask you to control your natural frivolities miss king.

This case could have very serious consequences.

Sorry.

Anyway, whoever heard of a respectable gentleman

like sir Rodney, losing his head over a woman.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

Here we are sir.

Yes thank you... Thank you very much.

Why would he want the staff list?

Ah! Martha! Martha! Martha. Martha. Martha.

Ah, Martha Roberts.

Four Chester place, London, E.13.

Nothing will keep us apart now dearest.

So you don't think sir Rodney killed Metcalfe?

I'm certainly he didn't.

He told me he had a firearms permit.

And you've checked?

There's nothing registered in his name.

Then who's he covering up for?

The person who gave him this.

Ah! Fancy handle...

That suggests...

A woman?

Not necessarily. A lot of men used these in the nineteen century.

Yes. Mother.

What?

Incompetent bunglers!

Sir Rodney's escaped?

Jumped through a window... Twenty feet from the ground.

Now what on earth would make a middle aged

civil servant do a stupid thing like that?

Desperation?

Love?

- Oh! - Yes?

Err... I was looking for...

Martha, err... Martha Roberts.

Oh auntie?

I'm afraid she's in the bath at the moment.

Can I give her a message?

Well, not really. It's a...

Well it's personal.

Oh I see.

Well, can I say who called?

Err... just tell her it's a...

Rodders.

- Rodders. - Yes.

Rodders.

- She'll know who that is, will she? - Oh yes...

Yes, indeed she will.

Right.

I'm afraid I can't ask you in...

We're in a terrible mess at the moment

and auntie doesn't receive visitors until she's had a chance to tidy up.

Oh yes.

Personnel file. Now why should he want to see the personnel file?

No idea sir.

I didn't see any harm in it so I went and fetched it for him.

Did you touch something in here?

No sir. We left everything exactly as it was.

Mmmm.

I wonder what sort of personnel he was looking for.

Rodders!!

Darling.

Have they let you go?

No, I escaped.

Escaped!

- Oh, you shouldn't have done that. - I know.

I just had to see you again.

You must go back... immediately.

Out of the question.

But they'll be looking for you.

I mean, you don't want to bring me into this, don't you?

They'll never find us.

We'll go... we'll dissapear together, somewhere far away

where can be safe.

All right Rodney, I'll go with you.

- Darling... - Take me wherever you please.

Darling you've made me so happy.

You'll never regret this I promise.

- But you might. - Never! Come on.

Pull up over there rodders.

But darling we haven't much time.

Please do as I say...

Darling, I've got something I want to ask you.

Very well.

Kiss me Rodney.

Of course my love...

- But don't you think we ought... - No buts.

I want to make sure that you love me.

You know I do darling.

- And you'll never leave me? - Never.

Promise?

Promise!

Ah! What a pity.

I'm sorry darling.

There was no other way.

Never mind.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Poor sir Rodney.

This is one murder he won't be able to accept the responsibility for.

- There's no sign of a weapon? - None at all.

I wonder what he was doing around here?

Eloping?

Now we don't want to go into that again.

I'm telling you, in cases

like these you've got to consider every...

Cherchez la femme!

What is it?

French perfume... Very exclusive.

Can you identify it?

Of course. It's "reckless abandon".

Then it's highly appropiate. Who makes it?

A company called Bellchamber brothers.

Aha! And what can I do for you madam.

Ah, I'm looking for Mr. Bellchamber.

Oh he's away at the moment in Provence, crushing lily...

Really, I'm surprised she doesn't object.

Crushing lilies for lily of the valley madam.

James always pops over about this time of year.

Well if he's your brother, why isn't your name bellchamber?

It is madam.

Well then, how d'you know I wasn't looking for you?

Nobody ever does, madam, you see, I've got no personality.

What! None at all?

Not an iota.

My brother says that as a salesman I'm a total disaster.

- Really? - Uhmmm.

When he's here he usually shuts me up in the back of the shop.

Now how can I be of service?

- Well, you could tell me something. - Certainly.

Is... mm... "Reckless abandon" a popular brand?

Among the wealthy and the discerning madam.

It's... mmm.... priced a little high for most pockets.

So the average number of clients that would use it... would be... mmm...?

Ten, fifteen, twenty at the most.

You couldn't give me a list of their names could you?

It's a little irregular madam.

Oh well you see, I'm writing this article err...

"Perfumes of the aristocracy". I didn't think you'd be

adverse to a little publicity?

Mmm, so long as it's discreet madam.

If you'll wait here a moment, I'll see what I can do.

Here we are madam.

As far as I can tell from our records that's the complete list.

I'm very grateful. Thank you.

Perhaps you'd care to express

your gratitude in a tangible form?

Oh I see. Mmmm yes...

Could you send me a case of lily of the valley?

Certainly madam.

Crushed by your brother, of course.

- Get after that girl. - Why?

She's got a list with my name on it.

Has she now?

I've got her address.

Freeman, I've got a job for you.

Yes chief.

Oh, what's the address again.

Okay chief.

Yeah, I'll get there right away.

Yeah.

I want you to help me eliminate

some of the names of this list mother.

Mmmm tell me about lady Vanessa Cholmondeley davenport.

Oh you can forget her. I've known her since

she came out in nineteen thirty eight.

The honourable Malvena Treadworth smith?

You can leave her out as well.

She's a platoon leader in the girls guides.

The duchess of ....

Just a second mother , there's someone at the door.

The list!

Light.

Oh come along Tara, I haven't got all day.

Casanova ink.

Hello mother. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Tell me, what do you know about Casanova ink?

A woman. You say sir Rodney was killed by a woman?

It looks like it Mr. Tait.

Did you ever see him with one?

Never! Avoided them like the plague.

I can't say I blame him really?

- Why? - Extraordinary creatures.

Never been able to understand what makes them tick.

And did sir Rodney feel the same?

But they were anathema to him, steed, sheer anathema.

Mention women's suffrage and he'd go purple in the face!

Perhaps he was having an unhappy love affair?

Impossible! Like myself he was a confirmed bachelor.

Come in!

And let's face it, when one gets to be my age, we're

far too set in our ways to allow a woman to change it.

What is it?

The commission's report, Mr. Tait.

Ah! Thank you.

If you'll just put a tick against your name when you've read it

and then pass it on to the next on the list.

Right.

You were saying... ?

I was saying that what you suggest is out of the question steed.

If sir Rodney was "carrying on" as they say, I would certainly have known about it.

I see. Then I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

Oh not at all. Glad to have scotched the rumour before it spreads.

"De mortuis nil nisi bonum".

"De mortuis nil ..." Yes, yes, yes exactly.

"De mortuis ..."

Does de take the dative or was it the accusative?

Roxby? Guess what?

Just had a fellow in my office suggesting that

sir Rodney was playing about with a woman!

Ha! Ha! Ha! That's ridiculous.

Rodney was a dedicated misogynist.

One time he and I even considered

forming a club for genuine woman haters.

Rodney having an affair...What rubbish!

I got to go now darling.

So soon dearest?

Well I can't hang around here all day, I have work to do.

When shall I see you again?

When you got something to tell me.

There are so many things I want to tell you.

Yeah... not those sort of things.

Important things.

Things I asked you to find out for me.

How will I find you again my angel?

You won't have to, basil, I'll find you.

Darling!

Casanova ink? Never heard of them!

Well they've obviously heard of me.

You seem to hold an attraction for them.

I wasn't even trying.

They were very eager to get rid of that list.

Can you remember any of the names on it?

Only the ones I told you.

Pity. You obviously didn't get to the one that really mattered.

Tait's nearly finished the book.

He's had long enough now.

I'm moving in.

Oh no!

Come in!

Are you the owner of the car number three o'eight, hyh?

Yes.

You're parked in a "no parking zone".

Am I?

Yes.

Have you anything to say?

Yes.

I love you.

Darling... darling it's all gone wrong.

I can't explain on the telephone.

I must see you.

No, no, not tonight, now!

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Was it really necessary to handcuff him?

He handcuffed me!

Muttered something about

"those whom the law hath joined

together let no man put assunder".

Isn't she lovely?

I want to take her away from London into the soft warm sun...

To a place where her delicate fragile beauty can

blossom into the rare exotic flower she really is.

Well that's nice.

Do you realise this sweet innocent child lives in constant danger.

I mean, how would you like to face violent criminals unarmed?

I wouldn't like it at all.

Err... tell me Mr. Tait, have you always

felt so strongly about the welfare of our policewomen?

Not always.

Why the sudden interest?

Because someone came into my life.

Yes...

Number seven-two-nine policewoman Grimshaw.

Just my luck.

My first case. A simple parking offence

and I end up chained to

a chronic Casanova!

Have you checked on Tait?

Uhuh! He thinks our policewomen are wonderful.

Where is he now?

In custody.

This wretched affair's taking on a

pattern and I don't like the picture.

No, neither do I.

Still, we do have a slight lead.

"Casanova ink". What's that got to do with it.

Do you know I haven't the slightest idea.

I'd better find out.

Well what about me?

The ministry seems to be ravaged by a disease,

get back there and see if you can isolate the virus that's causing it.

Sir.

Please...

Please take the blindfold off my eyes.

I know you're there.

I sense the aura of evil that surrounds you.

I beg you, untie my hands.

I can hear you. Your breathing.

I can hear your breathing.

Why do you torture me this way.

Do you keep me in this foul dungeon

just to stand and silently gloat over me.

Scarlett's voice caught in her throat and she sobbed helplessly.

Blinded by the velvet band across her eyes

she was unable to see the claw-like hand

that reached forward to stroke

the ivory flesh of her shoulder.

Aaahh!...

Oh my goodness you frightened the life out of me.

I'm most terribly sorry.

I should think so too.

Scare like that could give a girl grey hair.

I'm sure that whatever the colour of your hair

you'd still be equally attractive.

Oooh dear... thank you... It's not original you know.

Your hair?

Your line... it's not original.

Oh it's been said to you before?

Lord Digby Covington said it to Samantha pride in "love under southern skies"...

It was just after he'd rescued her from the gorilla who fancied her.

Of course. I remember now.

"Love under southern skies"...

It was a very touching story.

I read it three times.

Something went wrong that day.

Couldn't get the end of the story to work.

Instead of boy gets girl, it kept coming out girl gets gorilla.

That's a tricky situation.

Very.

But you solved it with your customary skill.

I hope you won't think me immodest

if I claim to be your greatest fan.

- Really? - I've read all of your books.

What, all four hundred and thirty seven?

On a cold winter's night

I like nothing more than curling up in

front of the fire with Rosemary Z. Glade.

That's nice.

It's been my life-long ambition to meet Rosemary Z. Glade in the...

If you'll excuse the expression, flesh.

So you can see it's a rather special moment for me miss glade.

Or may I call you Rosemary?

You may if you like.

My name is Thelma.

You're not Rosemary Z. Glade?

No.

She is.

That... writes all those moving novels?!

She's a computer...

Quite clever really.

You see every romantic situation in the world

is built into her memory circuits.

The keys activate the situations.

Moonlight kisses.

Wife hears rumours. Girl meets wife. Wife sues girl.

Wife leaves husband. Husband leaves wife. Girl returns ring.

Boy gives flowers. Ah! Fascinating!

Once we've picked out the situation, the machine does the rest.

It chooses the scenes from the dialogue bank and bingo...

Another best selling Rosemary Z. Glade romance.

I'll show you if you like.

Please.

The creative arts have always fascinated me.

Ha! Ha!

There you are. Instant romance.

Brilliant.

We keep adding new dialogue to the memory banks.

That's what I was doing when you came in.

The machine's a genius.

Oh I don't know. It's a very bad speller sometimes

but Mr. Bromfield's working on that.

Mr. Bromfield?

Oh he's lovely

and ever so clever with electronic things and stuff.

He invented Rosemary.

Oooh! Well I'd like to meet him.

Oh he's not here at the moment.

Pity, well I'll call back...

Later.

Aren't they attractive rings.

Just junk jewellery.

We send them off to the Rosemary Z. Glade fan club.

Have one if you like.

Thank you.

Come to think of it, I saw someone wearing one of these the other day

and I can't remember his name. He was tall,

thick-set dark, with a moustache.

Sounds like freeman.

Works in our printing room.

Is he here?

Not sure. We'll go and see. I'll take you through.

Thank you.

Athene.

This is Mr. ... err....

Steed.

He'd like a word with freeman.

Not here. A friend of yours?

In a way. He said he'd show me around if I was passing.

Well not much to see really.

Printing press in there, despatch department in here.

It's really rather like a shrine.

The very place where all that undying

prose is printed for posterity.

Mr. Steed is a fan.

Perhaps you'd like an advance copy of Rosemary's latest... "Love on the moon".

Would I not.

Not that one!

These are library copies.

I'll get you a de luxe edition.

Here you are...

With the compliments of Casanova ink.

I'll treasure it.

Oh there is just one other thing,

I've never seen a printing press...

I wonder, might I have a peep?

Why not?

I can't thank you enough.

It's been very good meeting you madam.

It's been a very informative visit. Thank you so much.

Fans are always welcome.

I beg your pardon.

Not at all.

I don't think we've met.

Mr. Steed, this is Mr. Bromfield.

The Mr. Bromfield?

The master mind who created Rosemary?

Mr. Bromfield's a genius...

I agree.

And ever so passionate!

I'll take your word for it.

You're very kind Mr. Steed,

and now if you'll excuse me

- I'm afraid I am a very busy man. - Oh but of course, of course, of course.

The world is waiting for Rosemary Z. Glade's newest masterpiece.

And I don't want to delay it for a second it's so good of you to see me... ah!

Goodbye

That man who just came out of here...

What about it?

I've seen him at the ministry.

What?

He came to interview sir Rodney.

I saw him again in Tait's office.

What did he want... What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything. We only talked about Rosemary.

Did he go in there?

Only to look at the press.

Oh don't be cross with me Nigel.

We can't take any chances.

He'll have to be dealt with.

But how?

Fryer...

He's in love with you, isn't he?

Naturally.

And a jealous man will do anything

for the woman he loves.

He'll always stand between us,

you know that George.

He can spoil everything for us.

I just wish there was some way,

some way I could be rid of him...

But it's impossible.

He's always sworn he'll never let me go as long as he lives.

Who is he?

Steed.

John steed.

I wouldn't want anything to happen to you darling.

He's a very dangerous man.

Take this.

Just in case.

Yes?

Darling we're in trouble.

That girl I saw at the perfumiers, she's in Tait's office.

That's not important. She can't prove anything.

No, no, no, it's not that.

She's reading the book.

I'll attend to this personally.

Go back and lock the door I don't want

anybody else going in there before I arrive.

Be as quick as you can.

Pryer come in...

Come on in.

I think I'm on to something.

Forgive me for being so pre-occupied but this really is rather fascinating.

Help yourself to a drink. I'll be with you.

If you're wanting to sell that... I... mmm... I have one already.

Forgive my mentioning it but you have the safety catch

off... that's a very dangerous way to handle a gun.

I'll never know any peace without her.

Are you sure you don't want a drink?

No don't come near me.

You're going to use that?

I've got to.

I've got to kill you.

Now don't do anything I might regret.

It's the only way.

She told me about herself, and about you.

She doesn't love you Steed, you know that.

Look... who are you talking about?

She told me that you'd never let her go.

So it's the only answer.

I've got to do Steed,

she means too much to me.

She must be quite a woman...

whoever she is.

She seems to be getting excited.

Perhaps she knows what's in store for her.

Relax my dear, love is just around the corner.

Oh! Who locked the door, what...!

You were saying my dear?

Nothing...

just that I think you're wonderful.

Yes.

I love you.

Who doesn't?

Ah. Shall we go my dear?

Anywhere.

Have some more brandy.

Well at last you're now believing me.

Yes.

It was stupid and thoughtless.

But I tell you honestly, I've never known an emotion like it.

I lost control.

There was no logic, no reason.

I was just insanely, unthinkingly jealous.

Who is she?

Her name's Martha Roberts.

But why should she tell me there was anything between you?

Perhaps she had some reason for wanting me dead.

But why?

I don't know.

You know the thing that terrifies me...

that really terrifies me... is...

that I still love her.

I might have you killed you tonight... ended both our lives...

but it doesn't change anything, I still love her.

Where did you meet her?

- At the Ministry. - How?

She came into my office.

I was reading and looked up... like magic.

Reading? Reading what?

I don't know.

D'you think it's important?

Was it something... err...

like this?

Why yes... yes that's the one.

All right, now you rest here...

stay here as long as you like.

I have to go.

- Is that the location Fryer gave you? - Yes.

Are you sure it's accurate?

Well there's no reason to doubt it... he was as hooked as all the rest.

Yes.

How's it feel to have every senior Official

at the Ministry in love with you?

Well it's hardly my fatal attraction...

they just can't help themselves.

Huh, my little micro-dots work wonders, don't they?

Constantly projecting their subliminal message through every page.

And perfect in a thick book that requires a great deal of concentration.

Why did you choose love as the emotion to work with?

Because it's been scientifically proven that

love is the most potent emotion in the Universe.

Well unlike jealousy, hate, fear,

Love is the emotion of co-operation.

The man or woman

in the thrall of love

is as easily manipulated as soft puppy.

Well it's certainly proved itself.

Now is there anything else you want me to find out?

No.

No, this is a perfect picture of the new Security System.

We've fulfilled our contract.

And when do we get the money?

As soon as we get this out of the country.

Athene! Thelma!

Now let's start getting this stuff out of here.

Oh, what about the girl?

Oh yes I'd quite forgotten about her.

Oh what are we going to do about her?

Nothing.

- Nothing? - It won't be necessary.

She'll do anything for me.

You will, my dear, won't you?

Anything.

She'd even die for me.

Come over here child.

Look outside.

You don't like heights.

But if I asked you to...

you'd step out onto that ledge wouldn't you?

Good.

Well prove it... for me.

Step out there...

and do it!

If you knew there could never be anything between us,

if I told you your love was hopeless, what would you do?

I don't know.

I wish you wouldn't say things like that.

There'd be no point in your continuing to live would there?

No.

So you'd jump, wouldn't you?

Be the only way.

Get your things.

Tara!

I want you to prove that you can't live without me.

I want you to jump...

d'you hear me my dear... jump!

All right. All right I've got you now.

Coming up... come on.

What's the matter? What are you trying to do?

Trying to end it all...

you should have let me fall.

What are you talking about?

He doesn't love me... there's no reason for me to live.

Who?

Me! Mr. Steed.

You've hurt him... you might have killed him.

Hey look, we're supposed to be on the same side...

I know they say that love is blind but this is ridiculous.

They'll never get this into paper-back.

"You will fall in love with the next person you see."

Huh, this could be more devastating than the atom bomb.

Darling.

- You poor darling. - Have they hurt you lover?

Dearest, what have they done to you?

Steed! He must be in the Printing Room.

Now if one of these takes a few hours to work...

I wonder what twenty will do?

Go on admit it...

I'm irresistible.

Well I... I must say steed you seem a very

decent sort of chap to me.

Darling.

Command me.

Ooh, you're lovely.

Gently ladies, gently.

There's enough of me for all of you.

Now let's go and have a nice chat

with that Security man, eh?

There we are.

You're not taking him anywhere.

What is it?

They're after me.

Help me... cover the door... quickly cover the door.

- Oh! - Oh dear me.

How many are there?

Twenty... twenty-five, maybe more.

Well we can't handle them all by ourselves.

D'you think we should call Mother for help?

There's no time. That chair.

Oh!

Quickly.

I think that should do it.

Who are they?

I went to meet my niece from school.

There were hundreds of teenage girls coming out.

I'd forgotten I was wearing the trick buttons.

They are crazy about me.

D'you think you'll be safe here.

I should think you'll be all right.

It is no joke being a teenage idol.

........ insanity.

Oh no Tara...

no! You've been through all that.

I mean... look... now can I explain that...

this is ridiculous... I'd better take it off.