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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,207
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:12,677
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,957
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,607
Hey, Quagmire.
11
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,487
Peter, I want youand the guys to come overto my house right now.
12
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:45,777
We're drinking. What for?
13
00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:47,490
Just come over. I want
you to see something.
14
00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:50,348
All right. Come on, guys.
We're going to Quagmire's.
15
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:54,352
All right, hang on.
I gotta go to the
bathroom first.
16
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:55,754
Okay, let's go.
17
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,092
Oh, finally! Come on.
Come on. Come on inside.
18
00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:03,529
Well, what is it?
What's the big
damn deal?
19
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,696
Look.
20
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,466
It's a cat.
21
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,812
Yeah! I just
got him today.
His name's James.
22
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:11,881
Isn't he just
the cutest thing
you've ever seen?
23
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:12,938
Hi, James.
24
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:15,740
Oh, my God!
25
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,408
Watch when I scratch his bottom.
26
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,811
He sticks his fanny in the air.
27
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,781
We have liftoff.
We have liftoff.
28
00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,851
Come here, James.
29
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,353
What the hell are we doing?
30
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,333
Quagmire,
since when do
you like cats?
31
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:33,058
Since I found this little
guy living under my house.
32
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:34,625
I'll tell you this.
33
00:01:34,694 --> 00:01:37,729
I understand
now why the pharaohs
worshipped these animals.
34
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,567
Oh, look, Joe.
He's making friends.
35
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,835
Oh, sorry.
36
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,769
You know what?
It's all right,
Quagmire.
37
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,738
That leg is mostly pus.
38
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,624
Okay.
Here it comes, James.
39
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,368
Here comes the part
I was telling you about.
40
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,219
You're one of those!
41
00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:06,425
I hate Quagmire lately.
Me, too.
42
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,893
That cat has totally
changed his personality.
43
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:11,729
Yeah. Like,
when I went over to
his house the other day.
44
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:14,811
Who is it?
45
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,814
It's me, Quagmire.
I need to borrow
your lawnmower.
46
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,103
Quagmire's not here.
47
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,706
It's just me, James. I'm
supposed to watch the house.
48
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,074
Come on, Quagmire.
49
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,103
It's 97
degrees out here.
We're two grown men.
50
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,613
Are you
selling yarn?
'Cause I love yarn.
51
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,982
No. I need to
borrow your lawnmower.
52
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:33,485
Oh, I don't
think Quagmire
wants me to do that.
53
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,387
Oh, come on.
54
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:38,502
I don't think Quagmire
appreciated the condition
you returned it in last time.
55
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,103
Glenn, can I just...
No!
You can't have it!
56
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:42,872
Hey, guys. It's
James' birthday
tomorrow.
57
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,574
Would you all sign his card?
58
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,597
You want us to sign
a card for your cat?
59
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,045
Yeah. And don't
just put your name.
Write something clever.
60
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:51,147
God, I hate
having to come up
with something on the spot.
61
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,603
Um...
62
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:57,242
"Have a mice day.
Best fishes. Peter."
63
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,344
Thanks. That's great.
64
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:00,678
Well, I gotta get going.
65
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:03,059
I'm heading off to Vermont
to get James' birthday
present.
66
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,228
There's this
neat little store
called Cattitudes
67
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,963
that makes all
this neat cat stuff.
68
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,187
See you guys later.
69
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,522
What a queer.
70
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,725
He's going
all the way to Vermont
for cat gifts and whatnot?
71
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:17,462
You can get
a scratching post
down at Walmart for $2,
72
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,132
pair of Lee jeans for $9.
73
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,878
You know, they got
seats for children now.
74
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,404
You
put them right in your car.
Supposed to make them safer.
75
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:29,207
Only problem is you
can't lean your seat
all the way back. Oh.
76
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,546
We gotta do
something about this.
77
00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:37,316
His whole life is
about that stupid cat.
78
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,662
Hey, you know, the cat's
alone at Quagmire's
right now.
79
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,987
You know what we should do?
We should go over there
and shave it.
80
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:46,591
That's a great idea!
Let's do it!
Let's shave the cat!
81
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,326
Oh, boy! I usually
only get this excited
82
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,862
when they say the title
of a movie in the movie.
83
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,109
I'm telling you
these drug dealers represent
84
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,901
a clearand present dangerto the United States!
85
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:58,449
He said it!
He said it!
86
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,873
All I'msaying is what if thisis as good as it gets?
87
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,387
There it is!
There it is!
88
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,478
The only wayfor me to solvethis crisis
89
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:09,381
is to be
Superman IV:
The Quest for Peace.
90
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,530
Oh, that's why
they call it that.
91
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,593
All right. The
cat's gotta be
in here.
92
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,340
Hey, let's
take a man-sized
poop in his cat box,
93
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,342
so he thinks
there's something
really wrong with him.
94
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:27,766
There it is!
95
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,402
Rock 'n' roll!
96
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,505
Yeah, shaving time.
All right, hand me
the razor.
97
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:38,676
Oh, my God!
98
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,044
Peter, you killed it!
99
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:43,014
Will you guys relax?
He's got eight more
lives.
100
00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:44,983
Okay, seven more lives.
101
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:48,953
Six. Five.
Four. Three.
102
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:50,500
Peter, stop doing
what you're doing.
103
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:51,556
What do we do?
104
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,202
All right. All right.
I have an idea.
105
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,906
How about
we hide the cat's body
and leave that window open?
106
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,907
And that way
it'll seem like
the cat ran away.
107
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,575
We'll never get away with that!
108
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:04,469
Oh, we just might.
You see, I've got
a lucky cat's foot.
109
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,908
You know, Peter, it's
sort of adding insult
to injury
110
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:13,244
raiding Quagmire's fridge for
beer after you killed his cat.
111
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:17,014
"Or is it?"
is my response.
112
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,019
Oh, crap!
God, I hate cops.
113
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:25,022
Almost as much as I hated
my overly sensitive car
alarm.
114
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:43,541
Son of a bitch!
115
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:44,821
What do we got, partner?
116
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,144
Empty alcohol containers.
117
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,113
The
driver's inebriated
and covered in blood.
118
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,048
He's got scratches
on his face and arms.
119
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,961
There's a blood-soaked
corpse in the back seat.
120
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,584
Got shovels in there,
121
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:56,521
and a hand-drawn map titled
"This Is Where We'll Hide
the Body."
122
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:59,424
Well,
that all seems fine.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
123
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,061
Pot!
Small amount of pot!
124
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:05,764
You're under arrest, dirtbag!
125
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:06,865
Oh, come on!
126
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,512
I don't appreciate
drug addicts in
my town!
127
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,935
I'm a family guy!
128
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,205
He said it!
129
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,314
All right, Brian. Your
family's here to bail
you out.
130
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:23,882
Brian, if you don't mind,
131
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,662
we'll start thinking up
our prison-rape jokes
immediately.
132
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,051
I'll break the ice.
133
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,154
Hey, Brian, did you do
hard time? Or hardly
working?
134
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,492
Penis.
135
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,771
All right.
All the pieces are there.
136
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,038
Somebody make
something out
of that.
137
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,363
Hey, Brian. Who's your
favorite baseball player?
138
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,998
Albert Pujols?
139
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,967
Chris, stop it! Come on.
140
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,395
Brian, we're happy
you're out of jail.
141
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:47,572
And when we get to the car,
would you like a donut to
sit on?
142
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,041
You see?
I'm part of it!
143
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:53,712
I'm part of it
like everyone else!
144
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:56,781
I can't believe
they threw me in jail
for a quarter ounce of pot.
145
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,561
Well, Brian,
it's your own fault.
146
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,485
I mean, pot is illegal
for a reason.
147
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,787
Lois, don't be a hypocrite.
You've smoked pot.
148
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,124
Well, sure, Brian, but I'm
thinking about the children.
149
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,293
Pot's illegal
mainly to protect them.
150
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:11,563
No, no. Pot
is illegal because
William Randolph Hearst
151
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:14,966
ran a smear
campaign against
marijuana in the 1930s
152
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,595
to protect
his interests in
the timber industry,
153
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:19,449
because
hemp was poised
to replace wood
154
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,907
as
an inexpensive raw material
for the manufacture of paper.
155
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,056
There's your
smear campaign
right there, Brian.
156
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:30,115
Mom's right.
Drugs are bad, Brian.
157
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,903
I mean,
haven't you seen
those commercials?
158
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:18,162
Open up, Brian.
It's Joe.
159
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,031
Crap!
Just a sec.
160
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:28,306
Brian, under your probation,
you're required to submit
to random drug tests.
161
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,407
I need some urine.
162
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,875
You mean right now?
163
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,243
Yes, right now.
164
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,379
Here's
some magazines
to get you going.
165
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:36,013
Uh, how's that gonna...
166
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:38,182
Oh, sorry.
It's been awhile.
167
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:41,063
Look, I don't
really feel comfortable
doing this in front of you.
168
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,888
Fine. I'll wait outside.
Here's a bottle of lotion.
169
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,917
Uh, Joe...
Right, sorry.
170
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,560
Stewie, I need your urine!
171
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,528
Really?
172
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:53,142
Yeah. Joe
is doing a drug test, and
if I give him some of mine,
173
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,410
he's gonna know
I've been smoking pot.
174
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,545
So I need some of
your urine, so I
can...
175
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:58,837
Uh, you don't have
to be naked for this.
176
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:01,606
But I don't have to not
be naked for it, either.
177
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:03,441
Aha!
178
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,257
Come on, Stewie.
Hurry up and pee.
Joe's waiting for me.
179
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,816
Brian,
you know I can't go
unless you stare at it.
180
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,117
Brian, what the hell?
181
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,852
Uh, hey, Lois.
182
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:18,056
The jig's up, Brian!
Run!
183
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,869
Brian, is this
how you're trying to
pass your drug test?
184
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:24,596
By
stealing a baby's urine?
My God, that is just sick!
185
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,731
No. What's sick is
making marijuana illegal
186
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,601
when it's been proven that
it does less damage to
you than alcohol.
187
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:32,570
No.
What's sick is the plot
of the movie Baby Mama.
188
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,039
What happens
when a 40-year-old woman
189
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:38,643
asks her41-year-old friendto carry her baby?
190
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:41,590
Push, Angie, push!
Push harder... Oh,
it's dead.
191
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,426
Brian, when you have
to go to these lengths
192
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:46,817
just to
get away with smoking pot,
it's time to make a change.
193
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:49,220
You're right, Lois.
It is time to make
a change.
194
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,409
Thank you.
195
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,991
It's time for Quahog
to legalize marijuana.
196
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,204
What? That's not
exactly what I meant.
197
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,906
Hey, check out the
size of Stewie's penis.
198
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,440
Oh, come on, guys!
199
00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:00,664
It's just the way God made me.
200
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:04,836
No more oppression!
201
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,038
We as American adults
with free will
202
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,852
have the rightto use marijuanaif we choose to!
203
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:12,978
Enoughgovernment profiteeringunder the guise of morality!
204
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,958
Enough with this
phony war on drugs!
205
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,431
You know,
you're going about
this all wrong, Brian.
206
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,899
If you want to win people over,
207
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,768
you can't just
drone on like
Ben Stein.
208
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,470
You've got to have
a little more
showmanship.
209
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,060
Here, watch.
210
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:43,008
♪ Now,
everybody gather round
and listen if you would
211
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,510
♪ When I tell you
every person needs
a way of feeling good
212
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:50,048
♪ Every kitty needs a ball
of string and every dog
a stick
213
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:53,885
♪ But all you need is a bag
of weed to really get a kick
214
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:57,321
♪ One,
two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!
215
00:10:57,391 --> 00:10:59,001
♪ A bag o' weed,
a bag o' weed
216
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,736
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
217
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,438
♪ It's the only help
that you'll ever need
218
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,641
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed!
219
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,098
There you go.
You're all getting it now.
220
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,202
♪ They go assault a queer
221
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,172
♪ They rent
The Rocketeer
222
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,342
♪ He humps a guy like me
♪ Right!
223
00:11:18,412 --> 00:11:22,113
♪ But all we
need is a bag o' weed
to keep us worry free
224
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:25,417
♪ One, two, three, ho!
A bag o' weed, a bag
o' weed
225
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,196
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
226
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,898
♪ No,
you don't need meth
and you don't need speed
227
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,522
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed
228
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,225
Have a go, Brian.
229
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:37,695
♪ As
Mr. H. L. Mencken said
"The common man's a fool"
230
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,497
♪ And just like
Helen Keller said...
231
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,968
♪ But try and use your heads
and don't buy into all the
fear
232
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,470
Hey!
233
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,351
♪ Because all we
need is a bag o' weed
to make us want to cheer
234
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,042
♪ And one, two
A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed
235
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:52,789
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
236
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,524
♪ You can try and
fight but we're
all agreed
237
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,616
♪ Because everything
is better with a bag
o' weed
238
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:07,819
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight
239
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,587
♪ And a one, two, three, four
240
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:11,534
♪ And a five, and a six
and a seven. Oh!
241
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,168
♪ A bag o' weed,
a bag o' weed
242
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,771
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed
243
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,639
♪ You're a happy guy
when you plant the seed
244
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:20,431
♪ Because
everything is better
with a bag o' weed
245
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,969
♪ Oh, everything is better
with a bag o' weed! ♪
246
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:34,178
As Mayor of Quahog,
I hereby sign into law
the legalization of marijuana.
247
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,855
Is now legal.
248
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:48,192
Legal in Quahog.
249
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,862
And it's made
everything just so great.
250
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:53,564
Okay, you...
You can read the next one.
251
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,345
No, you can.
No, you.
252
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,635
Okay, okay, okay.
253
00:13:57,703 --> 00:13:59,281
Let's read it both together.
Okay.
254
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:00,583
Ready?
Okay.
255
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:04,442
Here's Ollie Williams
with a BlaccuWeather forecast.
256
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,910
How's the weather look, Ollie?
257
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,345
Not too bad.
258
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,846
Right on.
259
00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:11,748
See, Lois?
Tell me things in
Quahog aren't better now.
260
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:13,284
It's just weird, Brian.
261
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,786
I still don't think I'm
comfortable with the
whole idea.
262
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,175
Look, Lois, ever since
marijuana was legalized,
263
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:20,970
crime has gone down,
productivity is up,
and ratings
264
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,637
for Doctor Who
are through
the roof.
265
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,561
Yeah.
But Peter's
so baked lately
266
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:26,564
he can hardly set up a cutaway.
267
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:31,101
Man! This is even
better than...
No, wait.
268
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:35,639
No,
this is worse than...
Better... I don't know.
269
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,988
Here's a list of
celebrities I
don't like.
270
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,378
Hello, Griffin.
271
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,358
Mr. Pewterschmidt?
Hey, how you been?
272
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:17,614
Not good.
273
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,551
I'm sorry
to hear that.
Wow! A limo, huh?
274
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,553
Hey, are these
Diet Rites just to take?
275
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,922
No! Those are my Diet Rites!
276
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:26,156
Now, listen, Griffin.
277
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:28,559
Thanks to your dog's
stupid marijuana crusade,
278
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:33,264
people are using
hemp for everything:
fabric, fuel and paper.
279
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,133
Which means I'm losing
billions in timber
dollars.
280
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:38,113
I had
to sell my
Bangles records.
281
00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:40,716
I was still working
on memorizing all
the words.
282
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,907
♪ My back is hurting
from the chair I'm
sitting on
283
00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:45,576
♪ Where's the Tylenol?
284
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:49,980
♪ If I
lay down flat on the floor
it usually kind of fixes it
285
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,660
♪ Tony Danza
from Who's the Boss?
286
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:57,621
♪ Says,
"A-oh, a-oh,
oh-a, oh-a-oh!" ♪
287
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,224
I'm losing money, and
it's your dog's fault.
288
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,093
Now, I have to get
hemp illegalized again,
289
00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:04,996
and the only way to do that
is to start a fear campaign
290
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,564
designed to turn
people against pot.
291
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,033
Will you help me?
292
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,914
Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I could never go
against Brian like that.
293
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,472
I'll give you this
light-up butterfly
yo-yo.
294
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,573
To keep?
Not to keep!
295
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:19,110
You can use it today
and one more day in
the summer.
296
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:20,844
Yeah!
Pull over.
297
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:30,522
Bye.
298
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:36,260
All right, Carter.
I finished cutting
together our anti-pot video.
299
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,895
Take a look.
300
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:42,133
- "Hey, I got a great idea.
- Let's kill six million Jews."
301
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:46,204
"Hooray! Yeah! Yeah,
I'm on board! How did you
come up with that?"
302
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:48,205
"I got the idea from...
From...
303
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:50,908
"Well, from while
I was smoking pot.
304
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:54,212
"Anybody else who likes
pot, reach for my joint."
305
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,826
- "Oh, there it is!
- Give us some of that!"
306
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,550
"Perhaps later.
307
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:03,420
"Now, let's go to France
and steal all their
objects de art."
308
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,667
"All right! Let's
go to France."
309
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,890
Not bad, eh?
310
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,260
Damn it!
That was Fox News.
311
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,273
Apparently,
they own the rights
to Hitler's likeness
312
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,497
and they won't
have him slandered.
313
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,235
Hi, I'm Peter.
314
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,472
You know me from the movie
Harold, Kumar & Peter Goto White Castle.
315
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:25,109
As you can see, I am enjoying
a White Castle burger.
Why?
316
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,910
Because I don't do drugs.
317
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,447
Took me five minutes
to get to White Castle.
318
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:32,550
I didn't get diverted
by all those crazy
high jinks.
319
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,619
'Cause I don't get high.
320
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:38,022
It was a good movie, though.
321
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:39,801
You know Neil Patrick Harris
got the job
322
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:42,593
on
How I Met Your Mother
'cause of that movie?
323
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,072
You know, I've only
seen that show once,
324
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,041
but I gotta tell you,
what's really weird
to me is
325
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,667
why is
the voice of the guy
from the future Bob Saget?
326
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,335
I mean, the guy on the show,
he's already an adult,
you know?
327
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:55,540
So it's
not like he's gonna
grow into Bob Saget.
328
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,708
It doesn't make sense.
329
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,343
Thank you for your time.
330
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,778
Well, what do you think?
331
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:03,292
Look, Daddy,
I agree with what
you're trying to do,
332
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:05,483
but I just don't
think this is gonna work.
333
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:07,084
It's so artificial.
334
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:08,986
You're asking for a
spanking, young lady.
335
00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:10,465
- Yeah!
- All right!
336
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,735
Peter,
the reason Brian
succeeded in his cause
337
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,293
is that he spoke
with such passion.
338
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:18,228
No offense,
but you two just
don't have that talent.
339
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:21,064
Are you kidding?
I can be very persuasive.
340
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,167
That's how I used to
lure wayward sailors
341
00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:25,703
to their deaths
with my siren song.
342
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:57,267
Hello, Brian.
You're looking good.
343
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:58,869
Nice shiny coat.
344
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,883
Don't try to
butter me up, Carter.
Why did you call me here?
345
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:04,147
Come inside.
There's something
I want to show you.
346
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,613
What's this?
347
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:13,083
It's your novel, Brian,
Faster than the Speedof Love.
348
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,896
Ready to ship out tomorrow.
349
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,933
All you have to do is
publicly come out
against pot.
350
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,357
Forget it, Carter. I'm
not gonna take your bribe.
351
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,337
I don't care if you
printed a million copies.
352
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:23,894
I printed two million.
353
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:27,931
And I even commissioned an
oil painting for your
author's photo.
354
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,034
And what's this?
355
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:33,437
Is this an Oprah Book
Club sticker? I think
it is.
356
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,772
Wait. Really? Oh, my God!
357
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:38,653
Plus, I can get you
a night in bed with
Oprah.
358
00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:42,490
Okay, just the sticker then.
So what do you say?
Is it a deal?
359
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,482
You don't
have to sell out
like this, Brian!
360
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:50,888
Your novel is good
enough to be published on its
own merits.
361
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:53,524
You think so?
Yeah, you bet.
362
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:57,461
This is your shot, Brian.
You can be a superstar
author.
363
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:01,298
All you got to do
is make an impassioned
anti-pot speech in public.
364
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,468
Forget it, Carter!
Even Stewie says the book
is good enough on its own.
365
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,636
Right, Stewie?
366
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,740
Maybe do a song
about why pot
is bad.
367
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,543
♪ And that's why pot is bad ♪
368
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:17,915
I've heard all I need to
make an informed decision.
369
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,418
Marijuana is hereby
re-illegalized.
370
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:29,193
In other news, a localQuahog author has seta record
371
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,828
for theworst-sellingnovel of all time.
372
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,376
Brian Griffin's
Faster than the
Speed of Love
373
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,912
has astonishinglynot sold a singlecopy
374
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:40,096
thanks touniversal panningby literary critics.
375
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:43,975
Coming up,children are gettingsexier, and that's...
376
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,076
That's pretty cool.
377
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:49,380
This is so humiliating.
I sold out everything
I believed in,
378
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:52,716
and I have
nothing to show for
it. My book's a bomb.
379
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,685
Well, look at it this way.
You did accomplish something.
380
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,787
Marijuana's
illegal because of you,
381
00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:01,892
and Stewie got to
build a nice little fort
with all of your unsold books.
382
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,061
My house is made of mediocrity.
383
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:09,634
Hey, guys.
I want you to know
I'm raising my reward to $50
384
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:13,104
for anyone who can
help me find James.
No questions asked.
385
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:14,805
I killed your cat.
386
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:53,057
English - US - Line 21
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