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00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:05,704
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,274
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,914
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,654
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,929
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,445
The annual Quahog Star Trek
convention, where once a year,
11
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,348
sci-fi buffs
take their lips off
the barrel of a loaded gun
12
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,856
and spend
half a day adjusting
their eyes to sunlight.
13
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,589
Brian, look. I purchased
authentic blueprints
14
00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,591
to build
a Star Trek
transporter.
15
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,104
Well, that's great, Stewie.
16
00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:02,606
You should
get William Shatner
to sign them for you.
17
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,063
No way. I'm getting
Patrick Stewart to
sign it.
18
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,798
Picard has it all over Kirk.
19
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,735
He's poised and measured
and doesn't wear a cheap
rug.
20
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:13,338
Rather,
he accepts even baldness
with a quiet cool that says,
21
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:17,709
"I am in command.
You are safe with me.
I will cradle you in my arms
22
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,579
"through any
crisis in any galaxy."
23
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,648
Are you queer?
Probably.
24
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,484
Dad, this is stupid.
I'm so bored.
25
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,964
How can you be bored?
This convention has
everything.
26
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,388
You can even try on
LeVar Burton's VISOR.
27
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:39,097
Why would he wear these?
Who would invent these
for him?
28
00:01:41,803 --> 00:01:44,503
And in conclusion,
whether your dreams
29
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,172
are earthbound or
set in the stars,
30
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:50,443
followyour heartand make it so.
31
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,027
He said the thing he says on TV!
32
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:58,750
Now the castand I would be happyto answer a few questions.
33
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,352
Yes, so many questions!
34
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:04,256
Me! Me!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
35
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:06,659
Stu! Stu! Stu!
36
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,006
Yes, you there.
37
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,831
Yes, I have a question.
38
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:16,802
Oftentimes my household
sponges accumulate an
awful amount of buildup.
39
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,682
What can I do to prevent this?
40
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,007
That's an excellent question.It's very important tothoroughly
41
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,621
wring outyour spongesafter every usage.
42
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,791
This will prevent theaccumulation of grimeand bacteria.
43
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,015
A dry sponge is a happy sponge.
44
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,817
That's not a Star Trek question.
45
00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:33,852
I have a question
for Jonathan Frakes.
46
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,888
I have
this itch on
the back of my leg,
47
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,491
and I can't figure out
if it's a bug bite or
dry skin.
48
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,270
Do you take hot showers?
Yes.
49
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,672
Dry skin.
Thanks.
50
00:02:41,696 --> 00:02:43,907
These aren't Star Trek
questions. What the hell?
51
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,798
I have a question
for Gates McFadden.
52
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,800
I've got an artesian well
on my property
53
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,502
and the water pressure
is lousy. Any suggestions?
54
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:53,471
I would check the point
first before re-priming it.
55
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,886
But rememberthat the summer monthstake a particular toll
56
00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,622
on any region's aquifer,depending on the localclimate.
57
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,686
This is horse shit!
58
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,257
And that's the last question.
59
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:04,183
Thank you for coming.
You've been wonderful.
60
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,387
You bastards!
61
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,667
I'll get my
question answered
one way or another.
62
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,201
All I'm saying is
that in the episode
63
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,945
"Relics,"
when Scotty
rematerialized
64
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,995
on the Jenolen,
he referenced Captain
Kirk still being alive,
65
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,431
which is
ridiculous because he
knew he watched him die
66
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,540
on the Enterprise B in
Star Trek: Generations.
67
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,346
There's a perfectly
simple explanation.
68
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,538
He was
caught in a transporter
pattern buffer for 75 years
69
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:30,242
and Riker
mentioned a 0.003%
signal degradation,
70
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,689
which would account
for Scotty's memory
loss.
71
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,480
Well, well, look what
we have here, Jonathan.
72
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,051
Yup, looks like we got
ourselves a couple of
nerds.
73
00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:44,656
Give me $6.
74
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,994
Oh, my God! What
a great costume.
Meg.
75
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,329
Meg,
come take your picture
with this space-alien guy.
76
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,698
No, Dad.
I don't want to.
77
00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:53,767
Come on.
It'll be funny.
78
00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:00,137
A wonderful novelty
photo this will make.
79
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,018
Thanks so much, buddy.
Hey, how'd you make
that awesome mask?
80
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,443
It's not a mask.
I have the mumps.
81
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,479
What?
You came to a Star Trek
convention with the mumps?
82
00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,715
You could be infecting
people with the disease.
83
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,149
Yeah, like that old gypsy did to
84
00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:14,185
Britney Spears in
that Stephen King book.
85
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,287
Thicker!
86
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,804
Well,
Meg has the
mumps all right.
87
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,539
How is it
she was never immunized?
88
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:26,330
Well, it was
1992 and I couldn't be
bothered with anything
89
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,100
that
didn't involve Dan Cortese.
Besides, what's the big deal?
90
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,146
I never got a mumps shot.
Really?
91
00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,316
Well, I'd caution you
that getting
the mumps as an adult
92
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,318
could result in
serious complications.
93
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:38,421
In some cases, the
symptoms could spread
to the testicular glands.
94
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,810
Big deal.
So I'll wear socks.
95
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,091
Mr. Griffin,
your testicles
are not in your feet.
96
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,093
Well, where are they?
Under your penis.
97
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,696
Are you kidding? I always
thought those were two
little sandbags
98
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,886
to keep flood waters
from floating into
my bum.
99
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,655
No.
No, I'm just poking
100
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,790
at your funny bone.
I am quite alarmed.
101
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,937
I don't think you
realize the danger.
102
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,062
Like the people who think it's
okay to bring shampoo on an
airplane.
103
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:02,266
So I told Brenda,
"I work hard. I like a
clean house when I come home."
104
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,012
And now I'm the bad guy.
105
00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:05,904
Oh, I know exactly
where you're coming...
106
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,505
Ow! It's in my eyes!
107
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:16,814
See, Chris, come here.
Come here, look.
Check it out.
108
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,584
Holy crap! No way!
109
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:22,553
I know, huh? Classic.
110
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,790
I got to forward this to my bud.
111
00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:34,132
Meg, I know you hate
having to be in bed
all day.
112
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,634
But your father's
bringing in the
old TV.
113
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,802
Hey, Meg.
114
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:39,170
Peter, what the hell?
115
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,716
I don't want to
catch the mumps,
Lois.
116
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:41,806
Here's your TV, Meg.
117
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,507
It's a little old
and there's no remote
118
00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:47,578
and it only gets one channel
and it's not on that channel
right now.
119
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:50,081
Chris, check it out.
Jackass Number Two.
120
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,732
This
whole day has been
one big laugh riot.
121
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:13,972
Finally!
122
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,150
Up next, Kirk Cameron...
123
00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:16,174
Ooh!
124
00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:17,375
To talk about God.
125
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,043
Oh.
126
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,557
Hi. Welcome to theReligion Channel'snumber one show,
127
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,359
Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging.
128
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,183
With me, Kirk Cameron.
129
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:29,020
Today,I'm gonna tell you why Godwill always be there for you,
130
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,600
even in the worst of times.
131
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,356
No, thanks.
132
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:36,794
But first, areyou lonely, picked on,unappreciated, disliked,
133
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,375
not totallyhappy with yourphysical appearance?
134
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,476
Go on.
135
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:41,800
Are you unloved?
136
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,213
Do you feel like no
one cares about you?
137
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,705
Meg, your mother
made soup for you.
Here you go, honey.
138
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:53,211
Well,you know who doeslove you? The Lord.
139
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,613
Here's your milk.
140
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,331
Rupert, my
transporter
is complete.
141
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,657
If my calculations
are correct, the cast of
Star Trek: The Next Generation
142
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,965
will soon be here to
answer all my questions.
143
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,463
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong.
144
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,311
All right, you girls ready?
145
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:17,703
What's going on?
146
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:19,938
Don't you laugh at it.
147
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:27,945
Good morning, Mom and Dad.
148
00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:31,254
Wow! Look who's
finally out of her
room after five days.
149
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,020
Oh, you're alive. I guess
you are gonna need that
college fund.
150
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,487
Chris, do Daddy a favor.
151
00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:39,657
In the garage,
there is a very
expensive show camel.
152
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:42,026
Please return him to
the bazaar for a refund.
153
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,672
We have to give away Humpy?
154
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,174
I told you not to name him.
155
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,531
So, you feel better, Meg?
156
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,800
All better, Mom.
157
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,107
I was made well
by the hand of God.
158
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,270
"This is the day
that the Lord hath made.
159
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,672
"Let us rejoice
and be glad in it."
160
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,219
Meg, what are you talking about?
161
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:59,977
I'm talking
about God, Mom.
I've been reborn.
162
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,125
That's right, folks.
It's gonna be a Meg
episode.
163
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,815
Stick around for the fun.
164
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,919
Here's the clicker.
No one would blame you.
165
00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:15,927
What do you mean
you found the Lord?
166
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:18,107
I've been washed in
the blood of the lamb.
167
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,142
Kirk Cameron
explained it
all to me.
168
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,099
The Lord is my savior.
169
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,812
It's that damn religion channel.
170
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:25,914
She was
watching it all day
while she was bedridden.
171
00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:28,217
I want to share the word
of God with everyone
I know,
172
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,808
starting with my family.
173
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,642
Now, everyone hold hands,
174
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,023
because
we're gonna say
grace before we eat.
175
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,180
Dad, would you
like to do the
honors?
176
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:41,019
Are you kidding?
I'd love a chance to shine.
All right, Peter, this is it.
177
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,922
Dear Lord, please give me
the cheat codes for MikeTyson's Punch-Out!!
178
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,758
I have been stuck on
Bald Bull for four years.
179
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:52,063
I tried left, left,
up, B, dodge, uppercut,
but he still knocks me out.
180
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,543
And,
you know, they say
you're supposed to go
181
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,611
right, B, up,
dodge, left,
uppercut...
182
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:58,281
Listen to me telling
you how to play the game.
183
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:01,639
Hey, you
want to see a sweet porn
website? Follow me upstairs.
184
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:06,021
I know what you're thinking,
"Whoever heard of an erotic
Chinese?"
185
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,245
But there it is.
186
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,762
All right.
Let's try this again.
187
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,392
It's them! I did it!
188
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,073
The cast of Star Trek:The Next Generation is
here to answer my questions.
189
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,596
What the hell? Where am I?
190
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:26,964
What's going on?
191
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,445
Greetings, everyone.
My name is Stewie
Griffin.
192
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,881
I've transported you
all here against
your will.
193
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,945
I'm a huge fan,
and you're going to
answer all my questions.
194
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,507
But you're a baby.
195
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,855
Yes.
That's right,
Denise Crosby.
196
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,481
That was a warning. Please do
not speak unless you're
spoken to.
197
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:45,383
Now, question number one.
198
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,917
What's it like on the set?
199
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:49,032
The show's been off
the air for 15 years.
200
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,322
Although I will say
it was an awful lot
of fun.
201
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,725
You know, when Patrick
wasn't hogging the
limelight.
202
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,159
Oh, fuck you, Michael!
203
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,595
Fifteen years later
you've still got
that attitude.
204
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,598
Oh, my God, I am already
having a fantastic time.
205
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,711
Ooh!
Hey, let's spend
the day together.
206
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:04,635
Hey, that sounds like fun.
Ow!
207
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,737
Shut up, Wil.
208
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,304
Stop it, Patrick.
209
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:09,185
You know,
I think you should all
be nicer to Whil Wheaton.
210
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,743
The way I treat
my colleagues...
Wait, what?
211
00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:13,655
I said you ought to be
nicer to Whil Wheaton.
212
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,457
You mean Wil Wheaton?
Yes, Whil Wheaton.
213
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:16,792
Why are you saying it like that?
214
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,293
What? I'm just
saying you should be
nicer to Whil Wheaton.
215
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:19,762
Whil Wheaton
seems like a
nice guy.
216
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,363
Say "wheat."
Wheat.
217
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:23,498
Now say "Wil Wheaton."
Whil Wheaton.
218
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:24,734
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
219
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,068
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
220
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,369
Wil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton.
221
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:28,938
Wil Wheaton.
Hey, did you hook up
222
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,405
with Whoopi Goldberg
on the show?
223
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,563
All the time.
224
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,768
It's time for Kirk Cameron.
225
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,904
And I think
it's important for all of you
to hear his inspiring message
226
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,173
about the word of God.
227
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,941
Again, Meg?
228
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,455
You know, I think
it's wonderful you found
something to have faith in,
229
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,379
but there's such
a thing as moderation.
230
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,081
Mom,
you sound like
a nonbeliever.
231
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,195
Brian, you're
a thoughtful
person.
232
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:55,031
Are you willing
to open yourself
up to God's truth?
233
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,488
You're barking up
the wrong tree, Meg.
I'm an atheist.
234
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,860
What's that?
I don't believe in God.
235
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,996
What? Brian, how
can you say that?
236
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,065
Why, I just thought you knew.
237
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,901
I mean, I never go to church.
You know how I feel about
that.
238
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,937
No. Brian, it's one thing
to bash organized religion,
239
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:17,175
but we believe in
God in this house.
I mean, an atheist?
240
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,644
That's just about the
worst thing a person
can be.
241
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:22,647
You're not
gonna get anything
for Christmas, Brian.
242
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:23,826
Guys, I'm just trying to say...
243
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,417
Shut up, beast.
244
00:11:25,486 --> 00:11:28,364
I have dominion over you.
And I command you to
believe in God.
245
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,833
I'm sorry. I just
don't see any
evidence.
246
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,602
I mean,
look at the
Hubble Telescope.
247
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:36,261
It's discovered
untold wonders of a
vast, unexplored universe,
248
00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:39,697
but not one picture
of a guy with a beard
sitting around on a cloud.
249
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,110
I mean,
what's he
doing up there?
250
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,254
You know,
you keep talking like that,
God's gonna get you, Brian.
251
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,178
He's gonna get you
with the Kodak Disc.
252
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:56,647
♪ Oh,
God's gonna get you
with the Kodak Disc ♪
253
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,756
I'm sorry.
What were we
talking about?
254
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,989
Hey, where the hell is my van?
255
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,028
Stewie, I'm not really
much of a fast-food eater.
256
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,576
Yeah? Can you read my mind?
Can you tell what I'm
thinking right now?
257
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,177
I'm thinking,
"Shut up and
get a salad."
258
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,401
I want some McNuggets.
259
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:17,602
We'll get to you, Brent.
260
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:20,304
I want a hamburger.
No, a cheeseburger.
261
00:12:20,374 --> 00:12:22,452
I want a hot dog.
I want a milkshake...
262
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:24,187
You'll get nothing and like it.
263
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,222
Uh, hello?
Yes.Welcome to McDonald's.
264
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,357
Can I help you?
Hailing frequencies open, huh?
265
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,014
Okay. Yeah.
266
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,217
We're
gonna get two McChicken
sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.
267
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,287
And what do you want,
Michael?
A McDLT.
268
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,589
No. I already told you
they don't make those
anymore.
269
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,338
You know, sometimes it's
a regional thing. You
could ask.
270
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,262
No
McDonald's anywhere
makes a McDLT anymore.
271
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,308
I'd love a Shamrock Shake,
if they've got any of those.
272
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,665
It's September, Jonathan.
273
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,079
Stewie,
can I take this
goddamn headband off?
274
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,381
No, LeVar. You're blind.
That's the only way you
can see.
275
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,772
I'm just saying they have
all the ingredients for a...
276
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,753
Just hang on, all right?
There's a lot of us in...
277
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,488
There's
a lot of...
It's a big order.
278
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,157
What time do they
stop serving breakfast?
279
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,341
It's 3:00.
280
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,892
Some
of them serve
breakfast all day.
281
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,628
None
of them serve
breakfast all day.
282
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:06,717
Do they have beer?
283
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,633
Hey, Brian.
284
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,668
In hopes
that you'll open
your heart to God,
285
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,303
I wanted to give you this cross.
286
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,660
No, I don't want a crucifix.
287
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:18,263
Would you want it if
I threw it over there?
288
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,371
No. Please don't do that.
289
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,343
You gonna get it, boy?
No. Please, no.
290
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,444
Go get it, boy.
291
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,383
Okay.
I'll take
Jesus back now.
292
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:54,509
Brian, Kirk Cameron
is the one who
converted me.
293
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,867
But unfortunately
he's not available.
294
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,448
So I got his
younger brother
from Growing Pains.
295
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,839
Will you guys buy
me a case of Sudafed?
296
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,875
Don't you want to
tell Brian about Jesus?
297
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,855
They got my picture
up at the drugstore
298
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:08,079
and they won't
sell me any Sudafed.
299
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,025
I'll make it worth your while.
300
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,660
Ben.
Dad.
301
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:17,221
Ben, what have I
told you about trading
sexual favors for Sudafed?
302
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,835
Look, Meg,
I've had enough of this.
You're not gonna convert me.
303
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,227
But, Brian,
I just want you to
feel the joy that I feel.
304
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:26,041
I mean,
the church makes me
feel accepted and safe
305
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:28,277
and
part of something
bigger than myself.
306
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,502
But, Meg, you don't need an
outside voice to feel
those feelings.
307
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:32,870
They're inside you.
308
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:35,639
What you call God is
inside you, all of us.
309
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,242
And I just hate to see people
hating and killing each other
310
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:41,512
over their own interpretation
of what they're not smart
enough to understand.
311
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,581
You see what I'm saying?
312
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,115
Oh, I do, Brian.
313
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,484
And I think I
know just what to do.
314
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,796
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
315
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,420
Our top story tonight:
316
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,534
Just when you thought the
world couldn't be any
more dangerous,
317
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:55,359
Channel Five
News has discovered that
there is an atheist among us.
318
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,362
Local churchgoer and junior
Christian soldier Meg Griffin
319
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:01,898
has identified the atheist as
Brian Griffin of Spooner
Street.
320
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,912
Here's
the reaction
from city hall.
321
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,203
Shocking to say the least.
322
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,084
I'd rather
have a terrorist
living in our midst.
323
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,086
At least they believe in a God,
324
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:14,044
even if it's a smelly brown God.
325
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,659
Meg,
how the hell could you
do something like this?
326
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:19,282
If a man hath ears,
let him hear, Brian.
327
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,196
All right, what's... What's
the worst that could happen?
328
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,180
This is
the 21st century.
People are tolerant.
329
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,490
Well, this is nothing.
330
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:29,719
Probably
just a random
act of violence.
331
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,397
I thought
only he without sin
could cast the first Prius.
332
00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:45,943
Oh, my God!
That was a close one.
333
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,679
Brian, what happened?
I'm a pariah, Lois.
334
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,526
Ever since Meg told everyone
I'm an atheist,
335
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,616
I'm the most
hated person
in town.
336
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,463
I tried
to rent a movie
and they threw me out.
337
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,832
I tried to buy
a pack of cigarettes
and they threw me out.
338
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,256
But the most
serious part
of it is
339
00:15:58,324 --> 00:15:59,957
no bar would serve me a drink.
340
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:01,726
I'm starting to
get pretty desperate.
341
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,206
Okay, just remember to act
confident. You're gonna do
great.
342
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,464
You look real grown up.
343
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,400
Uh, yes,
I'd like to buy
some alcohol, please.
344
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,001
Okay, can I see your ID?
345
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,803
I don't have one.
346
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,406
You don't?
No, it's me, Chris.
347
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,585
Oh, hey, Chris.
348
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:19,143
Hey, Carl. Can I
buy some alcohol?
349
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,512
No.
Oh, okay.
350
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,325
Hey, you know
what's a great movie?
351
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,415
The Reaping?
352
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:28,152
Yeah. Why
are you dressed
like John Lithgow?
353
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,998
Well,
if you ask me,
I think laying off
354
00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:31,734
the sauce could do
you some good, Brian.
355
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:34,091
Yeah, right.
If you need me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
356
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:41,077
You know who doesn't have
all these problems?
Marmaduke.
357
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,379
All he does is eat
pies off the high
counter.
358
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,749
Next time around, we're
gonna get ourselves a big,
tall, pie-eating dog, Lois.
359
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:47,773
Okay, Peter.
360
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,041
Or Howard Huge.
Let's get Howard Huge.
361
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,950
Great.
We have a game plan.
362
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,189
Hold it together, Brian.
Hold it together.
363
00:17:04,258 --> 00:17:06,424
Come on.
You know you want a drink.
364
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:08,893
Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us.
365
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:11,963
Come on, drink me.
What are you waiting for?
366
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:13,665
Yeah, you big silly ass.
367
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,478
Just wrap
your lips around me
and take a big gulp.
368
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,069
Get to the chopper.
369
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,089
I right,
everybody got
your bowling shoes?
370
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:28,257
Everybody got your balls?
371
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,424
I don't have my shoes.
372
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:30,626
Jonathan, we were
just up at the counter.
373
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,027
Why didn't you get your shoes?
374
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,828
I don't have my shoes,
either.
What the hell?
375
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,286
You need your shoes to bowl.
376
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,832
Now,
why exactly can I
not wear my loafers?
377
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,223
What is the danger there?
378
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,593
Because, Patrick... Because,
Patrick, those are the rules.
379
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:46,330
Well, I think
it's just because they
want another $1.50 from me.
380
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,943
All right,
I'm putting
our names in.
381
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,644
Brent.
No, no. Don't put Brent.
382
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,335
Put Rock Kickass.
383
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,149
I don't know
how to change it.
I already typed it in.
384
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:55,316
For mine, put Dirk Diggler.
385
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,141
I'm not gonna put everyone
as a fake name.
386
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,587
How do you want to do the teams?
387
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,488
How
about the white guys
against the black guys?
388
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:01,723
Patrick, don't be an instigator.
389
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,491
I have to pee.
Brent, take Michael
390
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:04,581
to the bathroom, please.
391
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:05,816
Okay.
392
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,121
Look at me.
I've got girl boobs.
393
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:22,099
Hey,
Meg, guess what?
I've seen the light.
394
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,645
Really?
Yes.
395
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:27,237
Hallelujah!
I believe in God!
Lordy, Lordy, I believe!
396
00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,384
Brian, that's fantastic news.
397
00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:30,674
I know. I know.
398
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,609
Hey,
you mind spreading
the news around town?
399
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,913
Say maybe down
at the liquor store?
Maybe down at The Clam?
400
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:39,016
Of course, Brian. But
first we have work
to do.
401
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,152
God's work.
And God will be happy
that you're joining me.
402
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:43,887
Then I say let's
celebrate the way
403
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,466
they
did in the Bible.
With wine, red wine.
404
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:46,610
You know, like Jesus drank.
405
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:49,794
Do you like the wine?
406
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,195
Very much. What is it?
407
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,529
It's my blood.
408
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,132
I have to leave.
409
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:56,241
Nah, sit down.
410
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,306
Thanks for setting
everyone straight, Meg.
411
00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:04,775
I feel the warm,
healing, liquid
presence
412
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,177
of God's genuine,
cold-filtered grace.
413
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,913
It was my pleasure, Brian.
414
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:12,383
And now we get to do
the work of the Lord.
415
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,196
Come on.
What? What are we doing?
416
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,786
God's will, Brian.
417
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,625
A book burning?
418
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,337
Come on.
Grab an armful.
419
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:25,321
We have to
destroy everything
that's harmful to God.
420
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,871
Meg, I can't
be a part of this.
And neither should you.
421
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,007
What are you talking about?
I thought you'd seen the
light, Brian.
422
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,596
Well,
to be honest,
I lied for booze.
423
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:40,244
But, Meg, you're a smart girl.
424
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,524
You ought to be able to see
that what's going on here
is wrong.
425
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,249
You are not gonna turn
me from my faith, Brian.
426
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,454
Okay, fine. Then let
me just ask you this.
427
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,055
If there were a God,
428
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,601
would he have put
you here on Earth
429
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,603
with a flat chest and a fat ass?
430
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,028
I'm made in his image.
431
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,395
Really?
432
00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,242
Would he give you
a smoking hot mom
like Lois
433
00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:02,299
and then have you grow
up looking like Peter?
434
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,528
Well...
435
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,380
And what kind of God
would put you in a house
436
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,371
where
no one respects
or cares about you,
437
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:10,007
not even enough to get
you a damn mumps shot?
438
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,009
Oh, no!
439
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,013
You're right, Brian.
You're right.
440
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,280
I'm sorry, Meg.
441
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,017
But what is there to
believe in without God?
442
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,830
Where do the answers come from?
443
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,821
Well, that's all part
of the human experience.
444
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,823
It's what we're
here to find out.
445
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,793
And I bet you that the real
answer to the nature of our
existence
446
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,797
is gonna be more unimaginably
amazing than we can possibly
conceive.
447
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,663
Rob?
Did you hear that?
448
00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:41,259
Hear what?
449
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,867
I swear I heard something.
450
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:47,204
Adam, we have
been over and over this.
451
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:49,150
There is nothing under your bed.
452
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:51,286
There is nothing in the closet.
453
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:54,711
There are no such
things as monsters.
454
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:55,900
All right?
455
00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:59,149
All right, I guess.
456
00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:01,051
Good.
457
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,021
Now, try to go to sleep
'cause we got to get up in
the morning and make movies.
458
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,857
We're big Hollywood actors.
459
00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,761
Yeah, we are.
460
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:26,310
This was exhausting.
461
00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:29,612
This whole experience
was absolutely exhausting.
462
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,716
You people
have ruined Star Trek:The Next Generation for me.
463
00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:35,886
You are absolutely the most
insufferable group of
jackasses
464
00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:37,899
I have ever had
the misfortune
of spending
465
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:41,291
an extended
period of time with.
I hope you all fucking die.
466
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,638
I still have five prize
tickets from the carnival.
467
00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:46,430
There was nothing for five
tickets. We've been over
this.
468
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:50,434
Well, but LeVar and I
were going to pool ours for
the fuzzy-troll pencil topper.
469
00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:51,847
Oh, yeah?
You gonna share that?
470
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,114
Yeah. We were
gonna share it.
471
00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:54,282
Really?
How was that gonna work?
472
00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:55,472
Three days at my house,
473
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,008
three days at LeVar's,
and alternating Sundays.
474
00:22:58,076 --> 00:22:59,576
For a pencil topper?
475
00:22:59,645 --> 00:23:00,688
I have to pee again.
476
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:01,912
That's it. Goodbye.
477
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:04,816
Fuck!
478
00:23:38,718 --> 00:23:39,798
English - US - Line 21
38313
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