All language subtitles for Family Guy S07E10 FOX-y Lady.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

augh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Check it out, guys.
New driver's license.

What's wrong with your picture?

Well, see,
I got drunk and then
got my picture taken.

So that way when
I get pulled over
for drunk driving,

I look the same
as on my license.

You know?
Then the copper,
the copper'll say,

"You're fine.
You're not drunk.

"This is you normal.
I can tell by the picture."

I wish I'd thought of that.
I just got my new license
a month ago.

What's with the big grin?

Oh, I'd just gotten
a new tube of Aquafresh,
and I was feeling cocky.

Hey, let's see yours, Joe.
No.

Come on!

Wait, why does it say...

Yeah.

They were
all out of handicap
that day, so I got retarded.

Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire.

Wait a second.
You were born
in 1948?

Uh, yeah.

You're 61 years old?

Uh, yes, sir.

What's your secret?

Uh, carrots.

Sometimes I grind
them up into juice
or just eat them raw.

Or insert them anally.

As long as
I get them into
my body somehow.

And
now back to the Fox News
report with Rhonda Latimer.

Oh, God! That new Fox News
reporter is so freaking hot.

Good evening. I'm
Rhonda Latimer
for Fox News.

Here are tonight's top stories.

Oh, she's just so smoking hot!

God, I would do things to her
that she would probably laugh
at.

You bitch!

We now return
to Woody Allen's Bananas
Over Broadway.

I hate it when Woody
casts another actor
in a role

he's supposed to play,
'cause they always act
like him.

What're you talking about?

I thought
Patrick Stewart was
great as Melvin Shiverman.

You know, Nietzsche says we're
doomed to live the same life
over and over again,

which is bad news
because it means

I have to sit through
the Ice-Capades again.

Change it to Fox News!
It's time for Rhonda
Latimer.

Again, Peter?

You have a wife, you know.

Lois, if it makes
you feel any better,

I'm
thinking about her every
time I masturbate to her.

And we also
want to remind you
that Fox News switches

to
high definition
starting Monday.

Aw, crap!
Does this mean we
gotta get a new TV?

Looks that way.
Great.

I need another expense
like I need a hole in
the head,

and I don't need that.

I'm telling you,
this thing has turned out
to be nothing but a burden.

Oh, my God! Peter!
When did you get that?

Eh, a few of the fellows
at work talked me into it,

said it was something
I might need.

Well, it's horrible!

And the worst thing is
I found out I got it
on the gay side.

Hey, are you coming out tonight?

I'm not gay!
They put the hole
in the wrong side.

All right, family.
The wait is over.

I give you hi-def television!

Ooh! Can I have the box?

Look at me!
I'm an Iraq War
vet in 10 years.

No, we're gonna
take good care
of them.

Wow! Look at
that HD picture!

Yeah. It's so
clear you can even see
Ellen DeGeneres' breath.

Well, my
guest today is Seth Rogen,
who's got a new movie out.

Now, Seth,
this movie is hot.
It's just hot, hot, hot.

How does it feel to have
the hottest film in
Hollywood?

What the fuck? Did
you eat pussy backstage?

And now the real
reason to have
an HDTV.

And now
the Fox News 6:00 Report

with Rhonda Latimer
in high definition.

Good evening, everyone.
And I hope you're as
thrilled

about the new
format change
as I am.

Aah!
Aah!

Aah!
Aah!

Aah!
Aah!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!

Aah!

I'll get all of the
"A's" out of my body.

Aah!

We interrupt this
report to inform you

Rhonda Latimer
has been relocated
to Guantanamo Bay.

Coming up,
the new format
that makes HD obsolete.

God damn it!

Mom, do you ever feel
not so fresh down there?

No. There must be
something wrong
with you.

Really?
Yeah.

I've never had that problem
and I don't know any woman
who has.

Hey, look at this.

Fox News is looking for
a replacement for
Rhonda Latimer.

Hey, Mom, you should try out.
I mean, you majored in
journalism,

and you've never
done anything with it.

Well,
I did write for
my college newspaper.

Yeah. Didn't you do
an interview with that
fast-talking FedEx guy?

Yeah.
I ended up dating
him for three months.

That's
a beautiful
shade of lipstick.

I bet you enjoy the
music of Men at Work.
You're incredibly foxy.

Take
off your shirt, your pants.
What a body! That feels good.

I'll give you a call.
You'd better get tested.

Yeah, Mom.
You should be a reporter.

Well, I mean,
I guess there's no
harm in trying out.

Hey, Lois!
A little less yackety-yak,

a little more
cutting up my banana!

What am I supposed to do?
Stick the whole thing in
my mouth?

I mean...
Oh, hello.

Lois, you can't possibly be
considering working for
Fox News.

Well, why not?
Why not?

Because they're evil,
and they distort the
truth,

and they do the bidding
of the Republican Party!

I mean, what other
reasons do you need?

Don't
listen to Brian, Lois.
You'd be great on camera,

like I was when I played
that dead body on Law & Order.

Well, until I got
that itch in my crotch.

The contusion on his left
temple implies he was hit
by a blunt object,

and the cuts imply a struggle.

So it was murder.

But the question is who?

Well,
whoever it was
wears nail polish.

We found traces in the wounds.

Well, that narrows it down.

At least we know
it wasn't the father.

Yeah,
but we still
gotta find out...

Thank God!

All right, Fox News
auditions, take one.

Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories.

Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories!

Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing
news stories!

Hi,
I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's

Wacky Waving Inflatable
Arm-Flailing Tubeman
Warehouse and Emporium.

Due to
a lack of interest in
my shoddy merchandise,

a soul-crushing divorce, and
a never-ending custody battle,

I am desperately trying
to get into another
line of work,

and I am
hoping to pass
the news on to you!

I... I no can
read these words.

This
is the way we deliver
the news on the high seas.

♪ Thirteen are dead
in a subway in Paris

♪ And heavy rains flooded
the east side of Pittsburgh

♪ And gas prices
have hit a 14-year high

♪ And Britney backed
over her 7-month-old ♪

And even though this
Iraqi veteran lost
his hands,

he didn't lose
his ability to
feel.

I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.

Great story, Lois.

Thanks. I just made it up.

You know, I've been doing this
job a long time, and I think
you've got what it takes.

You're kidding.
Really?
Yes.

How would you like to be
our newest on-air reporter?

You know, I came down here
not even thinking I had
a shot.

And now you're telling me this?

Gosh, it's an
awfully big
decision!

Lois, please,
take the job,
for Fox sake!

Well...

All right!
I'll do it!

Great!
Here's your contract.

Now run home, Lois!
Run as fast as you can!

Good morning, everyone.
Well, do I look TV-ready?

Lois,
I can't believe
you're doing this.

If you work for Fox News,
you're gonna be selling
your soul.

Oh, Brian, come on.
They're a major
news network.

I would think
you'd be excited for me.

Are you kidding?
They're a lie factory.

They report
whatever they
damn well please.

You know, Brian, you're
welcome to come with me
and see for yourself

that it's all on the level.

You know,
I just might take
you up on that, Lois.

And I know another way
we can take advantage
of this.

Chris, Meg, meet me in
the living room in 10
minutes,

and bring a pencil and paper.

Dad, what are we doing?

Meg, now that Lois
has connections at
Fox,

we are gonna invent
our own cartoon show,

and we are here to
brainstorm ideas.
All right, go.

Anything that
pops into your head.

Ooh!
How about a show about
a bunch of disabled ducks,

and we'll call it Handiquacks?

Wow! Caught fire a little
earlier than I thought we
would. Perfect.

All right, let's
spend many hours
on this.

All right,
the main duck,
what's his name?

I don't know, Red Heinie Monkey?

I love it!
I love it. All right.

Now,
what's his wacky
neighbor duck's name?

Giddy Goose?

Meg, please try to
formulate ideas clearly
before you vocalize them.

I'm not sure you're
getting the show, Meg.

All right,
names, names,
names. Come on now.

Poopy Face Tomato Nose!

Yes!
Write it down. Hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Maybe they live in a pond?

Chris, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a sec?

I don't think she's getting it.

I know
she's not getting it, but...

- There's no but.
- She's not getting it.

Well, what the
hell do you want to do?

She's poison.

Absolutely.
She's dead weight.

She doesn't understand.

But without her,
the staff is too small.

I mean, she's just not funny.

She's completely ruining it.

Yeah, but I think it's
important to have a female
perspective in the room.

All right,
then I think we're
gonna have to expect nothing.

- Right.
- And then

maybe be pleasantly surprised.

Okay.

Welcome to Fox News, Lois.
We're very excited to
have you.

Well, I'm excited to be here.

Oh, this is my dog, Brian.
He was just dying to see
the studio.

Well, hi there, Brian.

How's it going, Adolf?

I'll have you know my
grandparents died in
the Holocaust.

No, I'm just joking.
They were there, though.

This whole place just
feels like a warm blanket.

I'll show you to our
daycare facility shortly.

But first, let's
have a look around.

This is our control room,
where we have the ability

to monitor
up to 500 different news
stories in any given hour.

What's that big button do?

Oh, that's kind of fun.

It emits a noise that
only Al Gore can hear.

There it is again!

It's probably just wind, honey.

It's not the wind!

And this is our Fox
News daycare center.

Where are all the kids?

Sorry, a lot
of the children
aren't here today

because their
parents have the day off
for Martin Luther King day.

Isn't that in January?

Oh, no, at Fox News,
we celebrate the
day he was shot.

And this is the kitchen.

We've got
all kinds of snacks
and cold drinks in here.

I don't see the refrigerator.

Oh, we just use
Ann Coulter's vagina.

Hmm...

There's never
anything good
in here.

All right, here
we go. "Handiquacks,
episode one, scene one."

Let's get them
laughing right
off the bat.

"Interior. Red
Heinie Monkey's house."

What's Red Heinie Monkey doing?

Um... Maybe
he just got up?
He's making breakfast?

Eh, I don't think
people eat breakfast
anymore. More suggestions.

Ooh!
What if Red Heinie Monkey
and Poopy Face Tomato Nose

are trying to
build a house of cards
and it keeps falling down?

Jiminy Christmas!
We have all been there!
That's going in.

We are cooking.
Cooking, cooking,
cooking. Now, all right.

Now, let's take
a walk down this road,
see where it leads us.

Dialogue.
What are they saying?

Um, maybe Poopy
Face Tomato Nose says,

"Boy, this house of cards
just doesn't want to stay
up!"

Well, I mean, yeah.
If you want to go right at
it like a Neanderthal, sure.

But I think we're shooting for
a little more subtlety here,
you know?

You know, I don't believe that.

I don't believe that
that's a real conversation

when I hear it. People
don't talk like that,
Meg.

Ooh! What if they
just bought a new
wood stove?

And Red Heinie Monkey says,

"Boy, it's so hot in here
because we just bought
that new wood stove and..."

"we're sweating,
and our hands are all
slippery,

"and that's
why we can't get the
card house to stay up!"

Thank you, Chris.
We have liftoff.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

But
none of this stuff
seems to make sense.

I mean,
we haven't even referenced
the fact that they're ducks

or that they're handicapped,
but the show is called
Handiquacks.

Uh-huh. Chris, can I
see you in the kitchen?

This is
not working out. This is
not working out at all.

Dad, Dad, look.
She's trying.
No. No.

She gets along with everybody.

She does not
get along with everybody.

She's kind of hot.
She's office hot.
All right?

Yeah, maybe you're right.
She's the only woman around.

Yeah.
In the real world,
she doesn't hold up.

In addition to
everything else, she's
got B.O.! She's got B.O.

All right, Lois.
For your first
assignment,

we want you to do
an investigative
expose

on
one of America's
greatest enemies.

Oh! That sounds important.
Who is it?

Michael Moore.

Oh, here we go.
This is exactly what
I was talking about, Lois.

Fox News
will take down anyone
who doesn't agree with them.

Well,
now, wait a minute,
Brian. Give him a chance.

What exactly do
you want me to do?

We have reason to suspect
that Michael Moore may be
a closet homosexual.

We need you to get the proof.

Oh.

Are you sure
that's a real news story?

Absolutely, Lois.
It's human interest.

Well, if you think
Michael Moore's possible
homosexuality is newsworthy,

I'll do my best
to get the story.

Hey, where's Stewie?

That's tomorrow,
and that is it
for us today.

Okay, I don't know...

Whatever it is, it's not
right on the teleprompter.

There it is.
We're gonna do
Sting, yeah.

There's no words there.

"To play us out." What does
that mean? "To play us out."

- To end the show?
- Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Go! Go!

In five, four, three...

That's tomorrow
and that is it for us today
and we'll leave you with a...

I can't do it.
We'll do it live.

We'll do it live! Fuck it!

Do it live!
I'll write it,
and we'll do it live!

Fucking thing sucks!

In five, four, three...

That's tomorrow
and that is it
for us today.

I'm Stewie Griffin.
Thanks for watching.

We'll leave you with Sting
and a cut off his new album.

Take it away.

All right.
I have come
up with a design

for Red Heinie Monkey,
the head of the
Handiquacks.

I want
only positive
feedback, please.

Why does he have
such a big red bum?

Because it's funny, Meg!

People will tune in
to Handiquacks each
week

and see that big red bum
and get a big laugh out
of it.

Why? Because it's relatable.
They'll see themselves in it.

I think
the design
is great, Dad.

Good note.
Good note.

Okay, now,
I also had a thought
for a female character

who's always nagging
at Red Heinie Monkey

and telling him not
to leave his beer cans
lying around and whatnot,

and her name is Bitch Duck.

That kind of looks like Mom.

Not finished talking, Meg.

Okay, and this is
Poopy Face Tomato
Nose.

You can see I gave him
a funny little suitcase.

Now, see, the
joke is most people
only carry a suitcase

when they're going on vacation,

but
Poopy Face Tomato Nose
carries one all the time.

And see? He's got
a sleeve hanging out.
He didn't pack it right.

Oh, well,
you know what
could be funny?

Maybe one week he
actually goes on
vacation

and he's already
got the suitcase.

Chris, can I see you
in the kitchen for
a sec?

Your writing partner
is out of her mind.

Okay, first of all,
stop calling her my partner.

She's terrible.
She's terrible.
I know that.

But then you know what?
It's not fair.
What?

It's not fair to her.
Well, that's
sort of a cop out.

Having her
here is not fair
to her.

Dad,
if you want to fire her,
you go ahead and fire her.

But don't pretend you're
doing it for her benefit.

Don't put that on me.
She's firing herself.
It's on you.

No, she can't fire herself.

She's firing herself
with her lack of talent and
her lack of funniness.

I just... You know, I feel
like you and I have captured
lightning in a bottle...

We have. Yes!
With Handiquacks.

And she's just coming in,
unscrewing the top, and
letting it all out.

Meg, your services
will no longer be
needed.

Still nothing.
I don't understand.

The lights are on.
Somebody must be home.

Get down!

Rush Limbaugh?

What's he doing coming out
of Michael Moore's house
at this hour?

Unless...
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, it's true!
Michael Moore is gay
with Rush Limbaugh!

And I just laid in dog poop.

That's not dog poop.

Sorry, we've been
out here a long time.

And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh

coming out of
Michael Moore's house
at 2:00 in the morning.

I wouldn't believe it
if I hadn't seen it
myself.

Well, your dog was right, Lois.

Looks
like there's
no story here.

Michael Moore
is clearly not gay.

What... No story?
What are you talking about?

You're the one who
sent me to investigate.

Now I'm showing you proof
and you're dismissing it?

I don't understand!

Lois, I'll be honest.

Rush Limbaugh is one of us.
We have no wish to smear
a fellow conservative.

That would be as foolish as
FDR hiring that midget
press secretary.

The president has just confirmed

a devastating
surprise attack by the
Japanese at Pearl Harbor.

Much of
our naval fleet
has been destroyed,

and the
death toll is believed
to be in the thousands.

He's adorable!

Okay,
actors, welcome to the first
voice record for Handiquacks.

All right, episode one,
"What the Duck?" Take one.

Oh, darn it,
Poopy Face Tomato Nose.

I know, Red Heinie Monkey.
This card house won't
stay up.

Probably because the
wood stove is so warm.

It's
making our hands
sweaty and slippery.

It's all coming together.
It's all coming together.
This is it.

Our vision come to life.
I know.

Just listen to that voice, and
then picture him holding that
suitcase

with the sleeve sticking out!

Hi, everybody.

Hello, Colonel Tushfinger.

I just built a spaceship.
Want to come up in space
with me in it?

Whoa!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Cut,
cut, cut! Cleveland,
what are you doing?

I just figured I'd give
Colonel Tushfinger an
Australian thing.

Colonel Tushfinger
lives on the moon,
you idiot.

He talks with
a moon accent,
you know?

He talks like this
with a moon accent.

You understand?

I am
Colonel Tushfinger,
and I live on the moon.

So I talk like this
with a moon accent.
Do that!

You know, Bonnie also acts.

Oh, here we go.

So they
want me to drop
the story completely

because they don't want
to embarrass Rush Limbaugh.

Now do you see what
I was saying about
Fox News?

They have
an incredibly
biased agenda.

You should do the story anyway.

You think so?

Absolutely.
They're hypocrites.

They wanted you to do the story

when
they thought it would
embarrass Michael Moore.

But they don't want you to do it

if it's gonna embarrass
Rush Limbaugh.

But
you didn't want
me to do the story

when it was gonna
embarrass Michael Moore.

But you want me to do the story

if it's gonna
embarrass Rush Limbaugh?

Can you picture the two of
those guys poking each
other in the chops?

It'd be like
sticking your arm
in a backed-up sink.

Okay, you're right.

I'm a little biased myself,
but at least I'm willing
to admit it.

Imagine that, the two
of them going at it?

An oversized Armani suit
and an oversized, cheap
windbreaker

tossed casually on the floor?

Look, they started this, Lois,

but it's up to you to finish it.

I guess you're right, Brian.

Next day at work, Limbaugh
finds a Detroit Tigers
ball cap up in there.

Stewie, shut up!

What?
It's just
a weird image.

Like the way Commissioner
Gordon tells Batman that
he just took a poop.

Ugh! I don't need
to know about that.

Thanks
for hearing our
pitch, Mr. Chernin.

You realize
the only reason I'm
taking this meeting

is that your
wife is a reporter
for our news division.

You
have absolutely
no prior credits.

Sir, I promise
you won't regret it.

Handiquacks is gonna
be the next Simpsons.

We fire the jokes at you
like an automatic weapon
of comedy.

We throw
a curve ball joke at you,
hit you right in the head.

You go, "Wow!
What happened?"

Hmm.

We take you
on a little trolley
ride down Story Lane.

You're having a good time,
enjoying our tale, think
you know what's coming.

Boom, left turn!

You don't know how it happened!

You don't know where
you are, but you like it.

Uh-huh.

You're watching the show.
The ducks are saying stuff.

You're yucking
it up. You're laughing.
Your sides are hurting.

All of a sudden you realize
you're feeling something,
too.

When did that happen?

When did the Handiquacks
become people I care about?

When did they become like
welcome guests in your home

whose weekly visits
the whole family
eagerly awaits?

Take a look at
what we got,
Peter.

♪ One day, three ducks
were crossing the road

♪ Going to get some soda

♪ But
they weren't looking
where they were going

♪ And
a bus came along
and hit them all

♪ Now they're
handicapped and...

♪ No, that's pretty much it

♪ Handiquacks

♪ And they never
got their soda ♪

Why won't this
card house stay up?

Our palms are
slippery and sweaty

because of the heat from that
new wood stove we just bought.

That's gonna be his catchphrase.

How did you
afford that
wood stove?

Easy. I just walked into the
wood-stove store and said,
"Put it on my bill."

You with me?
I sure am!

You with me now?
I love it!

You know you love it.
I just have one small change.

Oh?

Could
Poopy Face Tomato
Nose's nose be a plum?

How dare you?

It's a small change.

And if you do it,
we'll really get
behind this show.

A plum?
What is this, 1986?

Well, if you're
gonna be a TV
producer,

you've gotta be
open to collaboration.

So everybody just gets
to stick their big chef's
spoon into my comedy gumbo?

Well, no deal!

You know something?
I like your passion.

Okay, we'll do the show,
and we'll do it your way.

No.

Well, that was a miscalculation.

All right,
there it is.
Stay close to me.

This is it! Let's go!

Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do
you have anything to say to
Fox News about this...

What the hell?

Who are you?

What's that suit on the bed?

And what have you done
with your gay lover,
Rush Limbaugh?

I am
Rush Limbaugh.
That's a costume.

Wait a minute.
You mean, all these years,

Rush Limbaugh has just been
Michael Moore in disguise?

Well, it's a little
more complex than that.

What are you talking about?

Fred Savage?

Wait a minute!

You're
Rush Limbaugh
and Michael Moore?

Yes, I am.
They're both
characters I created.

But, why?

Well, after The Wonder Years,
I was hungry to do more acting

but the pickings were slim.
So I came up with this
scheme

to satisfy my need to perform,

and I guess it got
a little out of hand.

This is unbelievable!

Well, that's not the end of it.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner,

Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe,
and Metallica drummer,
Lars Ulrich.

Wow. Fred Savage
is the greatest actor
in the history of the world.

That's all I ever
wanted people to know.

Well, if you
let us run this story,
I promise you they will.

You got a deal.

Well, it finally happened.

I had finally gotten the
recognition I deserved...

I don't need you anymore!

Well, Christ, Fred.
You don't have to be
a dick about it.

This Sunday on Fox,

it's the new hit comedy
starring America's
greatest actor,

Fred Savage!

Well, Lois, you
did a good thing
for a talented guy.

Yeah, but that should
have been our time slot.

Well, I'm just glad
everything's back
to normal.

I don't think
I was cut out to
be a TV reporter.

Yeah, how did you lose
your job there anyway?

Oh, I don't know.
Do you really
care, Peter?

I mean, does anyone really care?

Yeah,
you're right.
The story's over.

Everything'll be
back to normal
next week.

So, yeah, who gives a damn?

Anybody got any more jokes?
Stewie?

Anything funny?
No? Brian? Meg?
Chris?

No?
All right,
see you, folks.

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