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1
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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:39,637
Now remember, Peter,
don't touch this money until
you get to the grocery store.
11
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,108
Then buy one can of beans
and come straight home.
Do you understand?
12
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,544
Lois, I'm a guy you
can trust with a task.
13
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:48,113
I'm the one who almost
conquered the dragon's lair.
14
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,756
Dragon's Lair.
15
00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:08,033
Peter, where have you been?
You left for the market
six hours ago.
16
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,178
Did you get the beans?
17
00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:10,769
Lois, I got something better.
18
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:14,173
You know how you always
wanted a real diamond
engagement ring?
19
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,974
Oh, my God!
20
00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,076
That's right, I bought a horse.
21
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,447
You bought a horse?
Why the hell did...
22
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:23,993
I didn't even give you
that much money.
23
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,851
That's what I thought, Lois.
24
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,954
Sold to the gentleman
from Quahog, Rhode Island.
25
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:31,201
Congratulations, sir.
What brings you down
here to Louisville?
26
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:32,265
I don't know.
27
00:01:33,995 --> 00:01:36,662
About that horse.
28
00:01:36,731 --> 00:01:38,976
You have an eye for
animals, Lois. This
horse is retarded.
29
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,199
That's why I got it so cheap.
30
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:46,005
Peter, I don't think it's wise
to have a retarded horse
as a house pet.
31
00:01:46,074 --> 00:01:48,407
Shut up! You don't
know nothing.
32
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,243
About anything.
33
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:52,990
Whatever, Peter.
Fine. Keep the horse.
34
00:01:53,014 --> 00:01:54,213
Good.
35
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,382
This family works much
better when we're unified.
36
00:01:56,451 --> 00:02:01,854
You'll see. This horse will be
a fine addition to our family.
37
00:02:01,923 --> 00:02:04,568
You know what? I don't want
him to feel self-conscious.
Everybody pee.
38
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:08,026
Peter...
Everybody pee now.
39
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:10,062
We're an unusual family.
40
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,604
Peter, the horse is here.
41
00:02:18,673 --> 00:02:20,039
Oh! Yeah.
42
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,386
It's so creepy,
the way it just
stares like that.
43
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:23,776
Why doesn't it do something?
44
00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,310
He's retarded, Lois.
45
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,746
You should understand.
You're married to
a retarded man.
46
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,048
Eh?
47
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,116
You're married
to a retarded man.
48
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:39,925
What is it?
Brian, is Paul Sorvino
standing behind me?
49
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,127
Hey, you want
a sugar cube, horsey?
50
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:43,896
Oh! God, Brian, don't.
51
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:05,284
What made you come around, Lois?
52
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:09,487
I love you so much.
53
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,657
I love you so much, Lois.
54
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,993
I love you, too, Peter.
55
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,599
Peter, take Maple Drive.
Otherwise we won't make
the movie on time.
56
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:21,900
All right.
57
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,009
Uh-oh!
58
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,569
What is it?
59
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,678
The horse is
right behind the car.
60
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,342
Peter, that thing
is just creepy.
61
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:36,448
Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you.
We're going to see a movie.
62
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,585
All right, I'm gonna
try something else.
63
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,962
No, no, no, no, no!
64
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,903
Oh! That's got all
my stink of the day in it.
65
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,472
That's nasty.
66
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,790
Peter, why are there
so many bottles of
milk in the refrigerator?
67
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:11,183
Oh! Thanks for reminding me.
Everyone, some of the milk
in the fridge is not milk,
68
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,019
it's horse sperm.
I'm a horse breeder now.
69
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:26,898
Peter, no one's gonna want
to breed with that horse.
70
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:30,135
After tomorrow they will.
I'm gonna enter him
in the Quahog Derby
71
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:34,306
and he's gonna win. I just
know it. I got a sixth sense
about these things.
72
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,942
Remember when I predicted
the ending to Wild Hogs?
73
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,130
This movie's gonna suck.
74
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,862
Hey there, little fella.
75
00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:48,587
I'm 48.
76
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:52,090
This whole place
is a giant mindfuck.
77
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,025
Boy, I've never been
in the owner's box.
78
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,272
We're gonna get a great view
of the track from up here.
79
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,030
This is gonna be a great race.
80
00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:01,611
Hey, what...
What are you doing?
Get down there.
81
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,801
Where's your midget?
82
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:05,437
Sorry, boss.
Had to pee.
Come on, you.
83
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,017
Guess he's got a small bladder.
84
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,875
Little tiny guy.
Gotta go all the time.
85
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,285
Even though he's got to race,
he couldn't hold it.
86
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,894
And they're off!
87
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,852
Go, horsey, go!
88
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,161
God, it even runs
like it's messed up
in the head.
89
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:31,162
Is there a reason
all the horses are named
after canceled Fox shows?
90
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,709
Kitchen Confidential
is in the lead,
91
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,744
followed by The Wedding Bells,
followed by Happy Hour,
92
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,246
followed by The War at Home,followed by Drive, followedby The Winner,
93
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,082
followed by Life on a Stick,followed by The Loop,followed by Head Cases,
94
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,719
followed by Standoff,followed by Vanished,followed by Free Ride,
95
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,655
followed by Method & Red,followed by Tru Calling,followed by Quintuplets,
96
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,224
followed by Stacked,followed by Justice,followed by North Shore,
97
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,292
followed by Back to You.
And bringing up the rear,
98
00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:52,684
but somehow still
in the race, is 'til Death.
99
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,297
You named your horse 'til Death?
100
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,987
You know why?
101
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:59,090
'Cause I'm gonna take
this horse and shove it
down America's throat.
102
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,771
What's this?It looks like 'til Deathhas taken a right turn
103
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,035
and is heading into the stands.
104
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,310
Dear God, I could describe
the horror I am witnessing,
105
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,633
but it is so unfathomably ugly
and heartrending
106
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,447
that I cannot bring
myself to do so,
107
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,472
although I do possessthe necessary descriptivepowers.
108
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:18,020
Well, at least thehorse ran past the class ofvisiting deaf second-graders.
109
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,388
Oh, no! Dear God,
he's going back!
110
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,859
I know you can't hear anyscreams, but I assure youthey are signing frantically,
111
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,862
just as fast as their littlefingers can shape thecomplicated phonemes
112
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,120
necessary to convey
dread and terror.
113
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,856
Wait a sec. Hold the phone.
He's going back
towards the track.
114
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,403
Fellas, this race
ain't over yet.
115
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,996
My baby's dead.
It's over.
116
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:49,607
$100,000 worth of damage.
All thanks to that stupid
horse of yours.
117
00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:52,554
Look, can we not talk
about the horse,
please? It's gone.
118
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,347
It suffered a fatal heart
attack from the excitement
and I disposed of it properly.
119
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:12,063
Oh! Boy. I miss the old days
when it was just a flaming
bag of poop
120
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,798
and a hurtful note.
121
00:07:13,866 --> 00:07:16,434
I have no idea how
the hell we're gonna
pay for this, Peter.
122
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:21,005
Well, I'll just have to get
a second job or something.
Hand me the classifieds.
123
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:25,876
Hey, Lois, look at this.
"Subject wanted for
medical..." What's that?
124
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,246
"Experiments."
Exparagus.
125
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:29,747
Experiments.
126
00:07:29,815 --> 00:07:32,050
Experiments.
127
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,451
Right.
128
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,321
And it says they'll pay
handsomely. This is perfect.
129
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,569
Now I won't have
to take that job as
Matt Damon's neck.
130
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,560
Hey, Matt. Matt.
131
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,906
Hey, is this another
one of those movies
132
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,297
where you're an educated
Boston street tough?
133
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:48,310
I don't have to take
that crap from you, neck.
134
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:51,803
You have to, my friend.
I'm your neck. What are
you gonna do, choke me?
135
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,850
You'll die.
You'll die
if you do that.
136
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,834
Can somebody from
Wardrobe get me a scarf?
137
00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:59,277
I'm still gonna...
I'll just talk louder.
138
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,346
Ben Affleck married
Jennifer Garner,
139
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,382
but you married
a bartender with a kid.
140
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,050
These are facts.
141
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:10,588
So what do I gotta do, Doc?
142
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,367
You don't have to
do anything, Mr. Griffin.
143
00:08:12,391 --> 00:08:15,438
We're isolating and
studying the effects of
various types of genes.
144
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,973
We're just going to
give you a series of
experimental injections
145
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,197
and record the results.
146
00:08:19,231 --> 00:08:22,077
What's this one?
We call this
the squirrel gene.
147
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:25,170
Its effects will become
apparent shortly.
148
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,411
Okay, what's next?
149
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,213
This is the Seth Rogen gene.
150
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:36,993
It will give you
the appearance
of being funny,
151
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:40,384
even though you haven't
actually done anything funny.
152
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,722
Hey, Doc. Are we
gonna be much longer?
153
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,791
I gotta get some beers
with the fellows before
I go out on this date.
154
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,628
How charming and chubby.
I'm rooting for you.
155
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,278
All right,
Mr. Griffin.
156
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,113
At this time we're
going to inject you
with what we believe
157
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,148
we've isolated as the gay gene.
158
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,638
I don't understand.
159
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,052
Well, if we're correct,
we will have
successfully proven
160
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:06,811
that homosexuality is genetic,
and not a matter of
choice or environment.
161
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,614
Are you crazy?
I don't want to take
a chance on being gay.
162
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,282
We'll give you $125.
163
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,484
All right, I'll do it.
164
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:16,186
Boy, you're more persuasive
than James Bond.
165
00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:18,667
Now, time for some
unfinished business.
166
00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:20,302
No, James.
Yes.
167
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:23,428
No, James.
Yes. You're going
to have sex with me.
168
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,996
No, James.
I don't want to.
169
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,230
Yes, you do.
170
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,432
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
171
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,168
No, I don't!
Yes, you do!
172
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,077
Okay, yes.
See that?
173
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,773
Fifty no's and a yes means yes.
174
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,812
Hi.
175
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:43,659
So, how'd the medical
experiments go?
176
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,983
So good, Lois, so good.
177
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,552
I'm gonna squeeze
right in here,
if my thighs will let me.
178
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,358
Peter, what exactly
did they inject you with?
179
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,495
All sorts of things.
Hepatitis vaccine, a couple
of steroids, the gay gene,
180
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:59,397
calcium, a vitamin B extract.
181
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,377
What did you just say?
The gay gene.
182
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,679
I assume that's
the one you meant, even
though it wasn't literally
183
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,948
the last thing I said
when you said,
"What did you just say?"
184
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,783
It's just that clearly
it was the most unusual.
185
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:12,910
Yes, that's the one I meant.
Peter, are you gay?
186
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:19,984
♪ Guilty ♪
187
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,194
Did anybody see that
absolutely fabulous piece
188
00:10:30,264 --> 00:10:32,864
on Fiji in yesterday's
travel section?
189
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,433
I wish I was Beyonce.
190
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,014
Peter, I think maybe
you should go back
191
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,171
and have that doctor
undo whatever he did.
192
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:41,439
I mean, you're not gay.
193
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,544
What?
I said homosexuality is wrong.
194
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,680
Are you...
Are you being
serious right now?
195
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,526
Just keep it in the
bedroom, you know?
196
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:53,885
I mean, I'm not
all in your face with
my heterosexuality.
197
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,586
No, you are not.
198
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,456
Dad, now that you're gay,
I don't have to have
sex with you, do I?
199
00:10:58,524 --> 00:10:59,724
Not unless you want to.
200
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,032
Oh! My muffins are ready!
201
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,103
You made muffins?
202
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,938
Well, it wasn't
the muffin fairy.
203
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,339
Or was it?
204
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,288
Go ahead, try it.
Peter.
205
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,779
Try it.
206
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,716
Dad, I think Mom's right.
Maybe you should go
back to that doctor.
207
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:28,285
Well, now wait a minute, Meg.
Let's not be too hasty.
208
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:31,689
These are delicious.
What's the secret ingredient?
209
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,725
Spugizakom.
210
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,259
Ew!
211
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:39,396
What? You thought...
No, no, no. Spugizakom.
212
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:42,033
It's a sugar substitute
from the Czech Republic.
213
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,834
That's right, Spugizakom.
214
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:51,976
All right, I'll say it.
215
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,689
What the hell are you drinking?
216
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,579
A Pomtini.
217
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,794
It's a pomegranate martini.
I read about them in the
latest issue of InStyle.
218
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:02,218
They're what Courtney
Thorne-Smith served at her
second bachelorette party.
219
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:12,764
So you guys feel like
watching the game
at my house on Sunday?
220
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,443
Yeah, that sounds good.
Yeah, that'd be good.
221
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,668
Hey,
Quagmire. Quagmire.
222
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,938
Yeah?
I'll be there.
223
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,641
Well, I think I'd
better get going.
224
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,243
Yeah. Why don't you
and Cleveland both get going?
225
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,713
Hey, hey, hey,
where you guys going?
226
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,764
All right, if we're going
to do this, we're going
to do it my way.
227
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,056
Darn it.
Knock, knock.
228
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,458
What's the problem, champ?
229
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,727
Why is math so hard?
230
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,440
Well, you know,
it doesn't have to be.
231
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:47,443
One trick I used to use
is turning things into
a word problem.
232
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:51,135
For example, if there are
three glory holes in the
bathroom at the club
233
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:53,537
and 28 guys
at the circuit party,
234
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,275
how many rotations of guys
will it take before
everybody's had a turn?
235
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,977
I don't know.
Nine, with a remainder
of Brent.
236
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,279
Oh!
237
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,414
♪ 'Cause Brent
can't fit in the glory hole
238
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,026
♪ And that's why
we all like Brent ♪
239
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,767
We now return to That Black
Guy Must Be Doing Well
240
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,151
Because Everything
He Owns is White.
241
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,595
Hey, how you doing?
242
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:20,331
Wow, he must be doing well.
243
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,202
Well, here's the new nightie
you picked out for me.
What do you think?
244
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:28,306
I think I'm jealous of Miss
"Eats anything she wants and
still fits into a size four."
245
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:29,574
I could scratch your eyes out.
246
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:35,413
You know, Peter,
with all the shopping and
cooking and decorating,
247
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:41,285
I have to say I'm really
liking the new you an
awful lot. An awful lot.
248
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:44,089
What are you doing?
249
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,724
I'm fooling around.
250
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:49,393
Come on, sweetie.
Let's have some fun.
251
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,195
Lois, I'm gay.
252
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,332
Wait a minute,
you mean we
can't have sex?
253
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,467
No!
254
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,203
But, Peter, we're married.
255
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,616
Tony Randall
was married, Lois.
Rock Hudson was married.
256
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,840
Ronald Reagan was married.
257
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,776
Ct?
258
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,846
Well, you could say that.
There was a missile
259
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:11,448
and something
definitely got packed.
260
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,052
Did you discuss ICBMs?
261
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,887
Well, I did see a BM.
262
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:22,292
So, would you consider this
a successful summit?
263
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:25,028
Oh! Yes.
I summitted three times.
264
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:27,057
Are you finished
with the butt-fucking puns?
265
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,649
Just tell me, Doctor.
Is there anything you
can do to remove this gene?
266
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:36,051
Well, Mrs. Griffin,
it doesn't really
work that way.
267
00:14:36,075 --> 00:14:38,153
We just have to wait
for the effects to wear off.
268
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,444
Well, how long will that take?
269
00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:41,780
A week, a month, a year?
270
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,282
Five hundred twenty-five
thousand six hundred minutes?
271
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,984
Rent! Rent! Rent!
272
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,598
For all we know,
he could be this way
for the rest of his life.
273
00:14:48,622 --> 00:14:51,323
I don't see what
the big deal is.
I like myself this way.
274
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,259
It's a very big deal.
You'll be treated differently.
275
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:57,194
Just like my Uncle Ray,
with the really high-up anus.
276
00:14:58,365 --> 00:14:59,998
I'll be out in a minute.
277
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,680
So Dad's gonna be gay forever?
278
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:05,903
Possibly, Meg.
279
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,006
So we're all just gonna have
to get used to this,
280
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,508
and learn to accept your
father for who he is now.
281
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:15,780
Great plan, Lois. Hey,
here's a nutty idea. Ever read
the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
282
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:17,794
Stewie, you're judgmentally
quoting Bible verses
283
00:15:17,818 --> 00:15:18,928
and you don't even
know how to read.
284
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,152
Welcome to America, Brian.
285
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:24,755
Ybody.
This is Scott.
286
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:25,824
Oh!
287
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:26,958
Who's Scott?
288
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:28,726
My soul mate, Lois.
289
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,540
I'm here, I'm queer,
but don't get used to it,
'cause I'm leaving you.
290
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,375
What?
I'm sorry, Lois.
291
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:35,566
I can't deny who I am
any longer.
292
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:38,135
I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.
293
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,170
And that's how I'm
gonna live my life.
294
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:42,218
Yeah, well, I think
that's perfectly disgusting.
295
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:45,187
And you know, every time
you do it, you're basically
sodomizing Jesus.
296
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,989
I just want to
point that out to you.
297
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:50,092
Chris, you're the man of
the house now. Take the
lessons I've taught you
298
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,928
and be the best
leader of this
household you can.
299
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,351
I will, Dad.
300
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:07,765
Ot, I just wish
he was still here.
301
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:11,869
I miss Dad, too, Mom.
But we'll manage somehow.
We're still a family, right?
302
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:14,505
Yeah, I mean, we're tighter
than an Asian family.
303
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,009
You doctor yet?
No, Dad. I'm 12.
304
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:20,237
Talk to me when you doctor.
305
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:26,183
I am so gay for you, Scott.
306
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:28,252
I'm so gay for you, Peter.
307
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,333
Penis for your thoughts.
308
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,523
I just...
309
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,491
You complete me, you know that?
310
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,760
You just make me
want to be a gayer man.
311
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,862
Oh! Come here.
312
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,999
And you don't miss
your wife at all?
313
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,211
Well, sure I do,
314
00:16:43,235 --> 00:16:46,069
but this is a whole new
chapter in my life, Scott.
315
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,250
And that chapter
is all about you.
316
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:51,742
Peter, let's snuggle
on the couch and
watch Lifetime.
317
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:55,846
We now return to MeredithBaxter in Raped By a Clown.
318
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:59,683
It was awful.He made me do things.Awful things.
319
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,018
What kinds of things?
320
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,531
I don't even want
to talk about it.
321
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:09,126
So you're sure you
don't need any house
repairs, Mrs. Griffin?
322
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:10,994
No, thanks, Rick.
323
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:13,642
Ever since Peter left,
our house hasn't been getting
destroyed by shenanigans
324
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,332
on a weekly basis.
325
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:22,540
God, I feel so bad for Lois.
She really misses Peter.
326
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:24,253
I just wish there was
something we could do.
327
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,711
Well, there is, Brian.
I looked into it.
Straight Camp.
328
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:28,857
Straight Camp?
329
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,847
Yeah. It's where gays
go to get cured.
330
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,283
This is dated last year.
331
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,751
I just... I just had it
lying around.
332
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,566
I don't know.
Goes against everything
I believe in.
333
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,623
But at this point,
I'm willing to try anything.
334
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:43,260
♪ I am sixteen
going on seventeen
335
00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:45,395
♪ I know that I'm naive
336
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,865
Oh! For the love of penis.
337
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,779
♪ Fellows I meet
may tell me I'm sweet
338
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:51,963
♪ And willingly... ♪
339
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,775
What the... Where am I?
340
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,442
This is Straight Camp, Peter.
341
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:02,524
I'm sorry, but I'm doing
this for Lois. By the time
you get out of here,
342
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,359
you're gonna be back
to your old self again.
343
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:06,094
Welcome to Straight Camp,
everyone.
344
00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:09,520
You're all here because you've
made a choice to renounce
your evil, sinful ways,
345
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:13,056
and redeem yourselves in
the eyes of your Lord
and savior, Jesus Christ,
346
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:16,070
who hates many people,
but none more than
homosexuals.
347
00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:19,430
And through our carefully
structured program,
you will succeed.
348
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,734
All right, men.
This is Harry
the Homosexual.
349
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:24,968
Say hi to everyone, Harry.
350
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,114
Hi, fellas.
351
00:18:26,138 --> 00:18:28,272
I sure do love being gay.
352
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:32,143
Harry's choice of lifestyle
is wrong. So we're
gonna beat him up for it.
353
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,612
Now, take these baseball bats
and get to it.
354
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:40,751
All right. Good so far.
No, no, no, don't use
the bats like that!
355
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,764
No, no. Don't use
them like that, either!
356
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,734
All right, look.
Just put them down
and use your fists.
357
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,792
No, no, no, not like that!
358
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:52,229
All right. This next exercise
will train you to talk
like a straight man.
359
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,333
Peter, we'll start with you.
Repeat every word
I say exactly as I say it.
360
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,413
Tonight me and my friends,
Paulie and Matty,
361
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,671
are going out to
drink a ton of beers.
362
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:03,185
Tonight my friends
and I are going out,
but we're not drinking
363
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:04,941
because those
are empty calories.
364
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:08,845
Then we'll play full
contact football in the park
with no pads or helmets.
365
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:11,882
Then we're gathering
at Alan and Omar's
for Bad Movie Night.
366
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:15,297
Then it's straight to
the bars to find loose
women to have sex with.
367
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,754
Then it's straight to the gym
for three hours of crunches
368
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,234
and extended eye
contact with strangers.
369
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,857
Peter!
370
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,671
Oh! Don't give me
that look, Tony.
That's exactly what you said.
371
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:23,994
I said it right back to you.
372
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:32,703
Excuse me. I'm sorry to
bother you people, but I
didn't know where else to go.
373
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:35,939
I haven't seen Peter in
two days. And I just thought
he might be here.
374
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,442
What? Oh, my God.
Peter's missing?
375
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,811
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Before anyone gets
too worked up,
376
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,591
I know where Peter is.
Where?
377
00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,393
I put him in a straight camp.
You what?
378
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,117
Oh! You bastard!
379
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,453
Brian, why did you do that?
380
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,622
Well, it's just that you
seemed so unhappy
381
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,525
and I just wanted to help you
get your husband back.
382
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:57,494
Who knows? By now,
Peter could be completely
heterosexual again.
383
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,099
♪ Throw out your hands
Stick out your tush
384
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,234
♪ Hands on your hips
Give them a push
385
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:07,871
♪ You'll be surprised
You're doing the
French mistake, voila! ♪
386
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,039
Stop!
387
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:11,775
Lois, what are you doing here?
388
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:15,879
I'm here to get you
out of this place, Peter.
I'm taking you back to Scott.
389
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,316
Really?
You're not still upset
about my leaving?
390
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,919
Peter, there's nothing
I'd want more than
to have you back,
391
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,555
but your place is in Scott now.
392
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:29,960
I mean, a person's sexual
identity is no more a choice
than the color of his skin.
393
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:35,933
This is who you are.
I can't change you. And it
would be wrong for me to try.
394
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:39,636
Lois, you've made me happier
than a pig among guinea pigs.
395
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,674
All right, I think
we're all in agreement.
I'm in charge here.
396
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,248
Hi, Peter!
397
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:52,015
Hi, Scott!
398
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:56,986
Guess what?
I have a welcome
home surprise for you.
399
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:58,722
Dish, dish, dish.
400
00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:02,526
Remember how you
told me your ultimate fantasy
was to have an 11-way?
401
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,362
Oh, my God. Yes, I do.
And you so did not even.
402
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,164
Oh! But I did.
403
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,798
Yoo-hoo! Guys.
404
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:17,041
Oh! Here are my notes
about the gay gene.
405
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,878
It wears off after
two and a half weeks.
406
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,881
Oh! Great. Now I can't find
Mrs. Griffin's number.
407
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,983
Okay, everybody ready?
408
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,285
Oh! God, I feel like
a kid in a candy store
409
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:30,588
who's having sex
with a bunch of gay guys.
410
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:43,167
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
411
00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:46,103
Holy crap!
412
00:21:49,776 --> 00:21:51,308
These are mine!
413
00:21:57,083 --> 00:22:00,262
So we're just, like,
never gonna talk
about this again?
414
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:01,686
That's right, sweetie.
415
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:04,333
Well, I'm just happy
to have your father
home again.
416
00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:07,458
Yeah. And thank God
everything's back to normal.
417
00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:10,795
Take back your fucking horse.
34195
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