Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Now remember, Peter, don't touch this money until you get to the grocery store.

Then buy one can of beans and come straight home. Do you understand?

Lois, I'm a guy you can trust with a task.

I'm the one who almost conquered the dragon's lair.

Dragon's Lair.

Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago.

Did you get the beans?

Lois, I got something better.

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Oh, my God!

That's right, I bought a horse.

You bought a horse? Why the hell did...

I didn't even give you that much money.

That's what I thought, Lois.

Sold to the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Congratulations, sir. What brings you down here to Louisville?

I don't know.

About that horse.

You have an eye for animals, Lois. This horse is retarded.

That's why I got it so cheap.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a retarded horse as a house pet.

Shut up! You don't know nothing.

About anything.

Whatever, Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.

Good.

This family works much better when we're unified.

You'll see. This horse will be a fine addition to our family.

You know what? I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee.

Peter... Everybody pee now.

We're an unusual family.

Peter, the horse is here.

Oh! Yeah.

It's so creepy, the way it just stares like that.

Why doesn't it do something?

He's retarded, Lois.

You should understand. You're married to a retarded man.

Eh?

You're married to a retarded man.

What is it? Brian, is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

Hey, you want a sugar cube, horsey?

Oh! God, Brian, don't.

What made you come around, Lois?

I love you so much.

I love you so much, Lois.

I love you, too, Peter.

Peter, take Maple Drive. Otherwise we won't make the movie on time.

All right.

Uh-oh!

What is it?

The horse is right behind the car.

Peter, that thing is just creepy.

Hey, scat, scat. Go on, you. We're going to see a movie.

All right, I'm gonna try something else.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh! That's got all my stink of the day in it.

That's nasty.

Peter, why are there so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?

Oh! Thanks for reminding me. Everyone, some of the milk in the fridge is not milk,

it's horse sperm. I'm a horse breeder now.

Peter, no one's gonna want to breed with that horse.

After tomorrow they will. I'm gonna enter him in the Quahog Derby

and he's gonna win. I just know it. I got a sixth sense about these things.

Remember when I predicted the ending to Wild Hogs?

This movie's gonna suck.

Hey there, little fella.

I'm 48.

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Boy, I've never been in the owner's box.

We're gonna get a great view of the track from up here.

This is gonna be a great race.

Hey, what... What are you doing? Get down there.

Where's your midget?

Sorry, boss. Had to pee. Come on, you.

Guess he's got a small bladder.

Little tiny guy. Gotta go all the time.

Even though he's got to race, he couldn't hold it.

And they're off!

Go, horsey, go!

God, it even runs like it's messed up in the head.

Is there a reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows?

Kitchen Confidential is in the lead,

followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour,

followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner,

followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases,

followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride,

followed by Method & Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets,

followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore,

followed by Back to You. And bringing up the rear,

but somehow still in the race, is 'til Death.

You named your horse 'til Death?

You know why?

'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat.

What's this? It looks like 'til Death has taken a right turn

and is heading into the stands.

Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing,

but it is so unfathomably ugly and heartrending

that I cannot bring myself to do so,

although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers.

Well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second-graders.

Oh, no! Dear God, he's going back!

I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically,

just as fast as their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes

necessary to convey dread and terror.

Wait a sec. Hold the phone. He's going back towards the track.

Fellas, this race ain't over yet.

My baby's dead. It's over.

$100,000 worth of damage. All thanks to that stupid horse of yours.

Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

It suffered a fatal heart attack from the excitement and I disposed of it properly.

Oh! Boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop

and a hurtful note.

I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter.

Well, I'll just have to get a second job or something. Hand me the classifieds.

Hey, Lois, look at this. "Subject wanted for medical..." What's that?

"Experiments." Exparagus.

Experiments.

Experiments.

Right.

And it says they'll pay handsomely. This is perfect.

Now I won't have to take that job as Matt Damon's neck.

Hey, Matt. Matt.

Hey, is this another one of those movies

where you're an educated Boston street tough?

I don't have to take that crap from you, neck.

You have to, my friend. I'm your neck. What are you gonna do, choke me?

You'll die. You'll die if you do that.

Can somebody from Wardrobe get me a scarf?

I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.

Ben Affleck married Jennifer Garner,

but you married a bartender with a kid.

These are facts.

So what do I gotta do, Doc?

You don't have to do anything, Mr. Griffin.

We're isolating and studying the effects of various types of genes.

We're just going to give you a series of experimental injections

and record the results.

What's this one? We call this the squirrel gene.

Its effects will become apparent shortly.

Okay, what's next?

This is the Seth Rogen gene.

It will give you the appearance of being funny,

even though you haven't actually done anything funny.

Hey, Doc. Are we gonna be much longer?

I gotta get some beers with the fellows before I go out on this date.

How charming and chubby. I'm rooting for you.

All right, Mr. Griffin.

At this time we're going to inject you with what we believe

we've isolated as the gay gene.

I don't understand.

Well, if we're correct, we will have successfully proven

that homosexuality is genetic, and not a matter of choice or environment.

Are you crazy? I don't want to take a chance on being gay.

We'll give you $125.

All right, I'll do it.

Boy, you're more persuasive than James Bond.

Now, time for some unfinished business.

No, James. Yes.

No, James. Yes. You're going to have sex with me.

No, James. I don't want to.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't! Yes, you do!

Okay, yes. See that?

Fifty no's and a yes means yes.

Hi.

So, how'd the medical experiments go?

So good, Lois, so good.

I'm gonna squeeze right in here, if my thighs will let me.

Peter, what exactly did they inject you with?

All sorts of things. Hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids, the gay gene,

calcium, a vitamin B extract.

What did you just say? The gay gene.

I assume that's the one you meant, even though it wasn't literally

the last thing I said when you said, "What did you just say?"

It's just that clearly it was the most unusual.

Yes, that's the one I meant. Peter, are you gay?

♪ Guilty ♪

Did anybody see that absolutely fabulous piece

on Fiji in yesterday's travel section?

I wish I was Beyonce.

Peter, I think maybe you should go back

and have that doctor undo whatever he did.

I mean, you're not gay.

What? I said homosexuality is wrong.

Are you... Are you being serious right now?

Just keep it in the bedroom, you know?

I mean, I'm not all in your face with my heterosexuality.

No, you are not.

Dad, now that you're gay, I don't have to have sex with you, do I?

Not unless you want to.

Oh! My muffins are ready!

You made muffins?

Well, it wasn't the muffin fairy.

Or was it?

Go ahead, try it. Peter.

Try it.

Dad, I think Mom's right. Maybe you should go back to that doctor.

Well, now wait a minute, Meg. Let's not be too hasty.

These are delicious. What's the secret ingredient?

Spugizakom.

Ew!

What? You thought... No, no, no. Spugizakom.

It's a sugar substitute from the Czech Republic.

That's right, Spugizakom.

All right, I'll say it.

What the hell are you drinking?

A Pomtini.

It's a pomegranate martini. I read about them in the latest issue of InStyle.

They're what Courtney Thorne-Smith served at her second bachelorette party.

So you guys feel like watching the game at my house on Sunday?

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, that'd be good.

Hey, Quagmire. Quagmire.

Yeah? I'll be there.

Well, I think I'd better get going.

Yeah. Why don't you and Cleveland both get going?

Hey, hey, hey, where you guys going?

All right, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

Darn it. Knock, knock.

What's the problem, champ?

Why is math so hard?

Well, you know, it doesn't have to be.

One trick I used to use is turning things into a word problem.

For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club

and 28 guys at the circuit party,

how many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?

I don't know. Nine, with a remainder of Brent.

Oh!

♪ 'Cause Brent can't fit in the glory hole

♪ And that's why we all like Brent ♪

We now return to That Black Guy Must Be Doing Well

Because Everything He Owns is White.

Hey, how you doing?

Wow, he must be doing well.

Well, here's the new nightie you picked out for me. What do you think?

I think I'm jealous of Miss "Eats anything she wants and still fits into a size four."

I could scratch your eyes out.

You know, Peter, with all the shopping and cooking and decorating,

I have to say I'm really liking the new you an awful lot. An awful lot.

What are you doing?

I'm fooling around.

Come on, sweetie. Let's have some fun.

Lois, I'm gay.

Wait a minute, you mean we can't have sex?

No!

But, Peter, we're married.

Tony Randall was married, Lois. Rock Hudson was married.

Ronald Reagan was married.

Ct?

Well, you could say that. There was a missile

and something definitely got packed.

Did you discuss ICBMs?

Well, I did see a BM.

So, would you consider this a successful summit?

Oh! Yes. I summitted three times.

Are you finished with the butt-fucking puns?

Just tell me, Doctor. Is there anything you can do to remove this gene?

Well, Mrs. Griffin, it doesn't really work that way.

We just have to wait for the effects to wear off.

Well, how long will that take?

A week, a month, a year?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes?

Rent! Rent! Rent!

For all we know, he could be this way for the rest of his life.

I don't see what the big deal is. I like myself this way.

It's a very big deal. You'll be treated differently.

Just like my Uncle Ray, with the really high-up anus.

I'll be out in a minute.

So Dad's gonna be gay forever?

Possibly, Meg.

So we're all just gonna have to get used to this,

and learn to accept your father for who he is now.

Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea. Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.

Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses

and you don't even know how to read.

Welcome to America, Brian.

Ybody. This is Scott.

Oh!

Who's Scott?

My soul mate, Lois.

I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it, 'cause I'm leaving you.

What? I'm sorry, Lois.

I can't deny who I am any longer.

I am Peter Griffin, homosexual.

And that's how I'm gonna live my life.

Yeah, well, I think that's perfectly disgusting.

And you know, every time you do it, you're basically sodomizing Jesus.

I just want to point that out to you.

Chris, you're the man of the house now. Take the lessons I've taught you

and be the best leader of this household you can.

I will, Dad.

Ot, I just wish he was still here.

I miss Dad, too, Mom. But we'll manage somehow. We're still a family, right?

Yeah, I mean, we're tighter than an Asian family.

You doctor yet? No, Dad. I'm 12.

Talk to me when you doctor.

I am so gay for you, Scott.

I'm so gay for you, Peter.

Penis for your thoughts.

I just...

You complete me, you know that?

You just make me want to be a gayer man.

Oh! Come here.

And you don't miss your wife at all?

Well, sure I do,

but this is a whole new chapter in my life, Scott.

And that chapter is all about you.

Peter, let's snuggle on the couch and watch Lifetime.

We now return to Meredith Baxter in Raped By a Clown.

It was awful. He made me do things. Awful things.

What kinds of things?

I don't even want to talk about it.

So you're sure you don't need any house repairs, Mrs. Griffin?

No, thanks, Rick.

Ever since Peter left, our house hasn't been getting destroyed by shenanigans

on a weekly basis.

God, I feel so bad for Lois. She really misses Peter.

I just wish there was something we could do.

Well, there is, Brian. I looked into it. Straight Camp.

Straight Camp?

Yeah. It's where gays go to get cured.

This is dated last year.

I just... I just had it lying around.

I don't know. Goes against everything I believe in.

But at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

♪ I am sixteen going on seventeen

♪ I know that I'm naive

Oh! For the love of penis.

♪ Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet

♪ And willingly... ♪

What the... Where am I?

This is Straight Camp, Peter.

I'm sorry, but I'm doing this for Lois. By the time you get out of here,

you're gonna be back to your old self again.

Welcome to Straight Camp, everyone.

You're all here because you've made a choice to renounce your evil, sinful ways,

and redeem yourselves in the eyes of your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ,

who hates many people, but none more than homosexuals.

And through our carefully structured program, you will succeed.

All right, men. This is Harry the Homosexual.

Say hi to everyone, Harry.

Hi, fellas.

I sure do love being gay.

Harry's choice of lifestyle is wrong. So we're gonna beat him up for it.

Now, take these baseball bats and get to it.

All right. Good so far. No, no, no, don't use the bats like that!

No, no. Don't use them like that, either!

All right, look. Just put them down and use your fists.

No, no, no, not like that!

All right. This next exercise will train you to talk like a straight man.

Peter, we'll start with you. Repeat every word I say exactly as I say it.

Tonight me and my friends, Paulie and Matty,

are going out to drink a ton of beers.

Tonight my friends and I are going out, but we're not drinking

because those are empty calories.

Then we'll play full contact football in the park with no pads or helmets.

Then we're gathering at Alan and Omar's for Bad Movie Night.

Then it's straight to the bars to find loose women to have sex with.

Then it's straight to the gym for three hours of crunches

and extended eye contact with strangers.

Peter!

Oh! Don't give me that look, Tony. That's exactly what you said.

I said it right back to you.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you people, but I didn't know where else to go.

I haven't seen Peter in two days. And I just thought he might be here.

What? Oh, my God. Peter's missing?

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Before anyone gets too worked up,

I know where Peter is. Where?

I put him in a straight camp. You what?

Oh! You bastard!

Brian, why did you do that?

Well, it's just that you seemed so unhappy

and I just wanted to help you get your husband back.

Who knows? By now, Peter could be completely heterosexual again.

♪ Throw out your hands Stick out your tush

♪ Hands on your hips Give them a push

♪ You'll be surprised You're doing the French mistake, voila! ♪

Stop!

Lois, what are you doing here?

I'm here to get you out of this place, Peter. I'm taking you back to Scott.

Really? You're not still upset about my leaving?

Peter, there's nothing I'd want more than to have you back,

but your place is in Scott now.

I mean, a person's sexual identity is no more a choice than the color of his skin.

This is who you are. I can't change you. And it would be wrong for me to try.

Lois, you've made me happier than a pig among guinea pigs.

All right, I think we're all in agreement. I'm in charge here.

Hi, Peter!

Hi, Scott!

Guess what? I have a welcome home surprise for you.

Dish, dish, dish.

Remember how you told me your ultimate fantasy was to have an 11-way?

Oh, my God. Yes, I do. And you so did not even.

Oh! But I did.

Yoo-hoo! Guys.

Oh! Here are my notes about the gay gene.

It wears off after two and a half weeks.

Oh! Great. Now I can't find Mrs. Griffin's number.

Okay, everybody ready?

Oh! God, I feel like a kid in a candy store

who's having sex with a bunch of gay guys.

Wait a minute. What's going on here?

Holy crap!

These are mine!

So we're just, like, never gonna talk about this again?

That's right, sweetie.

Well, I'm just happy to have your father home again.

Yeah. And thank God everything's back to normal.

Take back your fucking horse.