Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hey, fellows, you all set for some paintball?

You bet!

I tell you, I know something about paint. I once met Jackson Pollock.

How do you know when you're done with a painting?

How do you know when you're done making love?

Oh, when you wash your penis in the sink and go to bed.

God, Joe! Finally!

Is your watch paralyzed, too?

Guys, I don't think I can make it today.

It's looking like Bonnie might go into labor any minute.

So I think I should stick close to home.

It's your fault for knocking her up.

That's why I always use a condom.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't even say that with a straight face.

Sorry, fellows, have a good time.

Man, I am so sick of this.

Joe is just gonna keep bailing on us

until that baby comes out of Bonnie's butt.

Babies come out of the butt, right?

Yeah.

Well, we are gonna do something about it.

We are gonna figure out a way to induce labor

and make Bonnie have that baby.

Yeah, the sooner that kid comes out, the sooner we get Joe back.

Yeah, we're not complete without Joe.

You remember when he bailed on us for that trip to the spa

and we had to find another handicapped guy?

God, Seamus. I've never seen you this naked.

It's good to let the old midsection breathe.

What... How the hell are you alive?

Hi, Peter, how are you?

Never mind that, Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth.

Follow me.

Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet,

and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men.

If your baby isn't totally brain-dead,

it'll come rushing out to change the channel.

And when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him out of there.

Peter, I don't think... Shh. It's starting.

Two and a Half Men was filmed in front of a live ostrich.

Boy, this stinks.

It's Friday night and I don't have a date.

Well, then, let me get you a number from my little black book.

All right, that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B.

Guys, let's go down to The Clam and drink beer and watch sports.

Definitely. All right.

You in, Joe?

Yes, awesome! That would be splendid.

Yeah, this isn't working out. All right, sorry,

we'll pay you for the full day, but you can go home.

Damn right, you're paying for the full day!

Guys, Bonnie's going into labor!

We gotta get her to the hospital.

Quick, Peter, get the car!

No way, I don't want a pregnant mess in my backseat.

Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants

while test-driving that sports car.

I don't want it.

All right, Mrs. Swanson. You're doing fine.

Hey, Peter, don't you want to watch this?

It's a beautiful miracle of nature.

I can't look.

I didn't look when Lois gave birth and I can't look now.

You can just tell me what it looks like.

You ever see a horse blink his eye?

Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there.

Push! Push!

Get out of there! Get the hell out of my wife, you little bastard!

Okay, here we go.

Hold on, the wheelchair is coming first.

And here's the baby.

Congratulations, Mrs. Swanson, it's a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, Bonnie, I'm so happy for you!

- Oh, my God! - She's dying!

What? What?

Oh, sorry, I was watching this Paula Poundstone comedy special.

Here's your baby.

She's beautiful.

Isn't she, sweetheart?

She sure is, Joe.

It's hard to believe she's already 18.

Aw, Susie's so cute!

I can't wait to have a baby someday.

Oh, Meg, we've talked about this.

In order to make a baby,

a man has to be aroused enough to ejaculate.

Sorry, Dad, I forgot.

That's all right, sweetie.

Now you run along and play in the mud.

Ion, everyone, this is a twist tie.

It comes with every loaf of bread.

When we are done selecting our piece of bread,

we use the tie to preserve...

Oh, my God!

Who is that angel?

That's Susie Swanson.

You don't say.

What, like, you think you have a shot with her?

Are you kidding? We'll go together

better than Hannity and Colmes.

My problem with liberals, Alan,

is that liberals hate America.

Sean, I don't know if that's true.

You just contradicted me!

You hate America!

If I could just get a word in...

You hate America! You like the terrorists!

Well, I guess you're right again.

Bonnie, we got a problem.

What's the matter, Joe?

I'll tell you while we're doing the diaper change.

Here's the reality of the situation.

I got our hospital bill this morning.

How bad is it? It's $20,000.

Oh, my God! Where are we going to get that kind of money?

I don't know, but we've got to figure that out soon.

Well, I'm not worried, Joe, you'll think of something.

I gotta tell you,

not being able to pay my child's hospital bills

somehow makes me feel like less of a man.

Oh, honey, that's silly.

I'm gonna show you what a man you really are.

Now, let's go put your penis on.

We now return to

Are You Smarter than a Hispanic Maid?

Okay, Larry, now,

how does a Hispanic maid address her employer

if his name is John Sullivan?

Is it A, John? Or B, Mr. Sullivan?

Uh, I'm gonna go with Mr. Sullivan.

Oh, that was a trick question.

Consuela, what would you say?

Mr. John. That's correct.

Now, bonus question, is Mr. John home?

No, no, Mr. John no home.

Joe? What the hell? Are you working here?

I have to, Quagmire.

The baby's hospital bill drained all our savings,

so I've had no choice but to take this job.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing

you got yourself some money issues.

Uh, yeah, kind of.

Well, I might be able to help you out.

How much you need? Look, I'm a police officer.

I can't afford to get mixed up with a loan shark.

Hey, you should listen to this guy, Joe.

He's flipping a nickel and chewing on a toothpick.

Well, I do really need the money.

And I don't have the credit for a bank loan.

Do it, Joe, 'cause if you gotta work here any longer,

you're gonna feel smaller than my eye floaters.

There's one now!

I can never look at it dead on, it's always trying to get away.

Hey, eye floater! Hi!

Hey, hey, where are you going?

Away from your pupil.

Well, maybe I'll look over here!

I'll go over here!

You've got an answer for everything, don't you?

Oh, Brian, come here.

Would you mind listening to this song I've written for Susie Swanson

and tell me what you think? Okay.

♪ Susie

♪ You're a baby ♪

That's all I have so far.

That was horrible.

You're as bad as Beethoven near the end.

They're gonna love that!

Well, I've still gotta do a little work on it.

What's it called? Susie.

Wow. A song named after a girl.

There aren't a million of those already.

Name 20.

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison,

Sara, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria,

Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean,

Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From The Block.

Name six more.

Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,

Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.

Name five more. Tracy, Jean,

Jane, Marianne, Eleanor Rigby.

Go fuck yourself.

What am I gonna do, guys? I paid the hospital bill,

but now I need $20,000 to pay the loan shark.

I'm right back where I started.

Well, sounds like we need another loan shark.

Don't worry, Joe, we're all gonna pitch in and help you raise that money.

Wow, Peter, I gotta say,

this lemonade stand was a really good idea. It's selling really well.

That's because it has my secret ingredient in it.

Vodka!

You know what we should do? You know what we should do?

We should just...

We should just get on our bikes and just go.

Just go and start a business.

You know, I never... I never told anyone this,

but you're so good at cursive.

I don't know, Peter, we've been out here all day

and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlor.

Wait a minute, here comes somebody.

Excuse me, stressed-out lady.

May I interest you in a full-release relaxation massage?

Oh, yeah, just what I need,

to be rubbed down by a big fatty, an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.

Now, we don't have any money and our feelings are hurt.

So that's pretty much it, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Joe's getting desperate, and we haven't raised nearly enough.

Is there any way you could help us out?

Of course, I could.

But it's funnier to me if I don't.

In about an hour, I'm gonna piss away 20 grand.

What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks?

I'm sorry. I mean, how often... I mean...

Oh, man, nobody thinks that's funny?

Oh, my God! She's so hot!

Look at that, she can fit that whole bottle in her mouth.

All right, come on, Stewie, you can write a song.

How hard can it be?

♪ You've got your G chord right here

♪ It's like a cozy house where you live

♪ That's where you start your journey

♪ Here I am in my house, nice and cozy

♪ Then you poke your head out of the door with a C chord

♪ Everything looks okay out here

♪ Maybe I'll take a walk outside

♪ To the D chord

♪ I'm walking around outside

♪ Look at all the stuff out here

♪ And then we go to an A minor

♪ Getting a little cloudy out here

♪ Looking like we might have some weather

♪ Then we go to E minor

♪ Oh, definitely got some weather

♪ Things are a little more complicated than they seemed at first

♪ And then we go back to my house

You sound like an unbelievable douche.

♪ Then Brian comes in

♪ And I change up the tempo

♪ Brian comes in and he changes the song

♪ Looking at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag

♪ But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong

♪ Hey, Brian Why are you bringing me down, man?

♪ Why are you bringing me down?

♪ Don't bring me down ♪

Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.

Hey, Swanson, the boss is getting impatient.

He wants his money.

He says after we're done with you, you're gonna be eating...

Swanson TV... TV... Wait.

Wait, what did he say? What?

What did the boss say? He said something funny,

and now I'm drawing a blank on what it was.

Oh, you know what it was? What?

You know what it was?

"When we're done with him, he's gonna be a Swanson TV Dinner."

That is pretty funny.

Look what they did to me. My legs are useless now.

And trust me, they'll be back.

Well, what are we gonna do?

You know what, boys?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

If that stingy old Carter won't give us the money we need,

I say we take it from him.

Guys, we are gonna plan a robbery.

Hey, hey, that's the guy.

That's the guy whose chin looks like a... Balls.

All right, on a normal night in the Pewterschmidt mansion,

there might be as much as $6 million in the vault alone.

But this Saturday is the Pewterschmidts' annual

"Bring all your cash and put it in our safe" party.

Considering the guest list, there could be as much as $40 million.

But we only need $20,000.

All right, look, I'll be honest with you.

My father-in-law has treated me like crap for almost 20 years,

and it's time for a little payback.

$40 million! That's $10 million each!

I could afford to produce a movie with B+ stars

in a not-so-expensive location.

Jeff Bridges and Laura Linney

in Danger In Cincinnati.

We've got 24 hours

before those terrorists set off that new type of bomb

that makes an invisible explosion.

What are we gonna do?

Let's get back to headquarters.

Should we take the helicopter?

No, let's...

Let's walk, it's a nice day.

Oh, there's my laptop.

Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Go away!

I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

Oh, really? Music video?

Working on a little video there?

Little, uh...

Little music video?

Little compilation of visual images to go with a song?

Little four-minute movie that tells the story...

Yeah, that only works when I do it.

There, all done.

All right, Brian, get ready to feel.

♪ Look into your heart

♪ You will find

♪ There's nothing there to hide

♪ Take me as I am

♪ Take my life

♪ I would give it all

♪ I would sacrifice

♪ Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for

♪ I can't help it

♪ There's nothing I want more

♪ You know it's true

♪ Everything I do

♪ I do it for you

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ There's no love

♪ Like your love

♪ And no other

♪ Could give more love

♪ There's nowhere

♪ Unless you're there

♪ All the time

♪ All the way

I'm not following the story arc here.

Shut up!

♪ Look into your heart, babe

♪ Oh, you can't tell me

♪ It's not worth trying for

♪ I can't help it

♪ There's nothing I want more

♪ Yeah, I would fight for you

♪ I'd lie for you

♪ Walk the wire for you

♪ Yeah, I'd die for you

♪ You know it's true

♪ Everything I do

♪ Oh

♪ I do it for you ♪

Don't worry, Brian. Those goose bumps

will go away in about 20 minutes.

Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever.

And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

Peter, would you like more potatoes?

Bill, how are you?

Babs, come over here and say hi to Bill Gates.

Ah! Hello, Mr. Gates.

Hi, Mrs. Pewterschmidt.

Well, this is a quaint little party you guys are throwing.

Hey, Bill, would you help me program my Zune?

Oh, wait, I have an iPod, like the rest of the world.

Why, you...

All right, Joe, we're here.

All right, Peter, Quagmire, start the diversion.

Cleveland, find that door.

- Check. - Check.

Hey, fellows, knock off all that high-society crap

and play some of this.

One, two, three, four.

♪ We can dance if we want to

♪ We can leave your friends behind

♪ 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance

♪ Well, they're no friends of mine

♪ I say, we can go where we want to

♪ A place where they will never find

♪ And we can act like we come from out of this world ♪

All right, Cleveland, you're all clear to enter the vault.

Copy that.

Uh-oh. It's a combination lock.

Looks like I'm just gonna have to cut through it.

Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon's chin.

This programming brought to you in part by Kobe brand condoms,

the protection you want for the sex she doesn't.

Brian, do you know where Peter is?

Yeah, he and the guys went to go rob your dad.

I believe you.

I'm in.

Holy crap, there's another door.

What do we do now?

Welcome to the vault. Voice identification, please.

Uh-oh.

It's me, Carter. I want my money.

Voice print verified.

How the hell'd you do that?

I can do you guys, too.

Hey, everybody. Oh, hey, Peter.

No, it's still me. Oh.

Welcome to the inner vault.

Penile identification required.

Let me handle this.

That's amazing. How the hell did you match it?

Oh, I didn't match the shape.

I just stuck it in there and broke it.

Final checkpoint. Answer this question.

"What is the most unattractive

"male first name in the English language?"

Keith.

Wow, look at this place.

There's more dough in here than a Swedish bakery.

Look at all my dough, I'm covered in dough.

Father, you're covered in dough.

Aw! You spoiled the surprise.

I'm making you a cake out of dough.

All right, boys, pack up the dough and get out of there.

Joe, stop!

Lois, what are you doing here?

I'm here to try to talk some sense into you.

Do you really want to go through with this?

I have to, Lois, for my family.

I don't know where else to get $20,000.

But you know Daddy'll find out.

He'll put his best people on the job,

and believe me, he'll catch you.

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

But think about your beautiful little girl.

You can't watch her grow up from jail.

You'll miss running after her as she learns to walk...

I mean, riding bikes with her, as she...

I mean, dancing at her wedding...

Look, my point is, you know what you're doing is wrong,

and you know how to make it right.

Guys, put the money back and get out of there.

What? Are you out of your mind?

Tell them, Megatron.

Do as I command.

Okay, okay. Jeez.

So, how'd Susie like your video?

I don't care about her anymore.

I'm in love with Bryan Adams.

Peter, I want you to promise me

you'll never do anything that stupid again.

Lois, after what you did for Joe, I'll promise you anything.

How the hell did you get your dad to give him that 20 grand?

I told him it was for me.

I said I wanted to hire a divorce lawyer.

You're joking about that, right?

Lois? You're joking, right?

Lois!