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1
00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,004
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,114
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:19,384
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,721
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:24,534
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,024
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:31,096
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,704
We now return to Jackass.
11
00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:41,952
Hello, my name's
Johnny Knoxville,
12
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,620
and I'm gonna takea shotgun blast tothe face.
13
00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:45,688
Okay, ready?
14
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,350
God!
15
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,432
These guys are hilarious.
16
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,434
They do so much funny stuff.
17
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,023
Hey, you know what?
18
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:00,670
We should try
some of that stuff.
19
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:01,805
Here, at home.
20
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:02,894
I don't know, Peter.
21
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:04,663
That
skull-and-crossbones warning
22
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,499
before the show
was pretty clear
about not doing that.
23
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,768
Cleveland, shut up.
24
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,336
I saw something on TV
that I want to imitate.
25
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,584
Peter, what are you...
26
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,808
What are you boys doing
up there? Get off the roof!
27
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:19,222
Go back
in the house, Lois,
we're being Jackass.
28
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,157
Okay, ready?
All right, we're rolling.
29
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:24,416
I'm Peter Griffin, and
this is "Shopping Cart...
30
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:29,654
"Roof Shopping Cart Guys."
31
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:31,657
Okay, go!
32
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,496
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
33
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:40,176
I don't know.
I don't know!
34
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,700
What does it look like?
35
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,748
What do I do?
What is that?
36
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,149
What is...
I feel something!
37
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:47,572
It's your spine, dude.
38
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,775
It got, like,
yanked up a bunch of notches.
39
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,255
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
40
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,356
I'm...
41
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:54,412
God!
42
00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:56,059
Does this get fixed
with ice or heat?
43
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,115
Ice now, heat later.
44
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,719
Is "Bee Bush."
45
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,933
All right,
what did you do to
yourself, Quagmire?
46
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,992
Well, I just covered my
entire private area
with honey.
47
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,571
Now we're
just waiting
for the bees.
48
00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,562
Giggity.
49
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,497
All right, here they come!
50
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,868
Okay. Okay, they're
on there. Let's just...
51
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,937
Nobody move.
52
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,440
All right?
Nobody do nothing.
Don't want to make them mad.
53
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,188
Stop it! Stop it!
Knock it off!
54
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,191
Yeah,
we wouldn't want
the bees to get mad.
55
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,825
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
56
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:31,160
Stop it!
Stop it! Knock it off!
I hate you, bees!
57
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,261
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
58
00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:33,518
No, serious! Stop! Stop!
59
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,863
I hate you, bees!
I hate you, bees!
Stop!
60
00:02:34,887 --> 00:02:35,554
All right,
that's enough,
that's enough.
61
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:36,721
Get 'em off.
62
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,101
Get 'em off.
Put them back in the hive!
63
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:39,402
Yeah,
all right,
enough is enough.
64
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:40,903
Cleveland, open the hive.
65
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:42,927
All right, Quagmire,
bring 'em over here.
66
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:00,878
Oh, my!
67
00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:07,530
What the fuck?
Why would you
do that?
68
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:12,329
Hey, you guys,
Lois says it's
time for dinner.
69
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,834
Peter, this is not safe at all.
70
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,614
Shut up, Brian.
Just keep filming.
71
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:28,807
Okay. I'm Peter Griffin,
and I am The GreatestAmerican Hero.
72
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:33,478
My special power is
being somehow memorable
after a very short run on TV.
73
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:39,351
♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air
74
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:43,054
♪ I never thought
I could be so free
75
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:46,224
♪ Flying away on
a wing and a prayer
76
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,893
♪ Who could it be?
77
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,227
♪ Could it be?
78
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,563
♪ Believe it or not,
it's just... ♪
79
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:56,968
Get some, Peter!
80
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,269
Nice job on that ramp, Joe.
81
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,472
If there's one thing
I know, it's ramps.
82
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,218
Wait a minute, guys,
I think he's really
hurt.
83
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,910
Help! Help!
I think my arm is broken!
84
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,725
My back. I can't move.
85
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,576
I thought I was gonna die.
86
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,321
I'd expect this kind
of behavior from you,
87
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,989
but you have no business
endangering Brian like that.
88
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:53,124
Thank you, Lois.
89
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,537
I mean, he jumped into that lake
90
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:57,529
to try and save your life,
and he's eight years old,
Peter.
91
00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:00,576
Eight!
That's 56 in
human years!
92
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,099
Okay, Lois.
93
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,014
I mean, why do you think
he almost drowned?
He's old, Peter!
94
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,405
Plus, he drinks and
he smokes all the time,
95
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,608
so take that 56 and
make it 79, at least!
96
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:12,455
Why are you making such
a big deal out of this,
Lois?
97
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,678
I was just a little tired.
98
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,558
Yeah?
Well, that's how
it begins, Brian.
99
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:18,361
Then the next thing you know,
I'm making Peter dig a hole
in the yard,
100
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:19,696
and you're in a pillowcase.
101
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,664
You're out
of your mind.
Brian's young.
102
00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,488
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
103
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,292
Hey, youthful guy.
104
00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:31,863
How is your barizzness
on this aggressively
redonkulous morning?
105
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,409
What the hell are you
talking about, Peter?
106
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:36,267
Don't you mean
tizz-alking about,
P. Doodie?
107
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,936
You don't have to
be formal with me.
108
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,571
I know how you
young people talk.
109
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:42,218
Peter, I'm not old,
but I'm not that
young, either.
110
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,742
Brian,
we should sip Bacardi
like it's your birthday.
111
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,177
What does that even mean?
112
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:49,747
It means that
this damn thing
doesn't work at all!
113
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:54,585
Peter, what are you doing?
114
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,632
If movies and TV
have taught me
anything,
115
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:59,635
it's that young people
today are constantly
being antagonized
116
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,625
by preppy '80s bullies.
What?
117
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,673
What are you gonna
do about it, new kid?
118
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,096
Peter, this doesn't make sense.
119
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,943
You know
what doesn't
make sense, Brian?
120
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,500
Some new kid jerk
moving into my town
121
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,281
and being worse
than me at karate.
122
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:12,505
Peter, you don't know karate.
123
00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:13,904
And stay away from Muffy.
124
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:16,419
She's my girlfriend.
She just doesn't
know it yet.
125
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:19,255
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go get yelled at
by my father,
126
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,424
'cause we're more
alike than we know.
127
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:26,117
♪ No one, no one
128
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,720
♪ No one ever
129
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,224
♪ Is to blame ♪
130
00:06:37,797 --> 00:06:39,842
Peter,
did you have
fun with Brian?
131
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:41,799
No, Lois, he was a wet blanket.
132
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,679
And I'm
starting to think
you might be right.
133
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,303
Brian's getting old.
134
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:48,539
He's not the dog he used
to be, and I'll have to
get used to it.
135
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,368
Just like I got used
to my acrylic nails.
136
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:59,316
Scanlon, Weinstock and Riesman.
137
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,218
Hey, Laronda.
138
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:04,622
No,
I got four people
on hold, but I can talk.
139
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,139
Good morning, everybody.
140
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,296
Brian, I have something to say.
141
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:15,032
I'm sorry I've been so
preoccupied with your age.
142
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,136
Well,
look, Peter, don't worry.
Let's just forget about it.
143
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:20,749
Fantastic.
And to help us
forget about it,
144
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:24,442
family, I'd like to
introduce New Brian.
145
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:25,976
Hey, gang!
146
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,379
Whose leg
do you have to hump
to get a hug around here?
147
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,118
I like him.
148
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,893
You got a new dog?
Yes, sir.
149
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,996
But... I'm the dog.
150
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,409
Well, now that
you're getting
older,
151
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,344
New Brian's here to
take some of the
load off.
152
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,600
Can he do tricks?
153
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:52,114
You bet!
He's trained to
fetch, roll over,
154
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,316
and make you feel
really good about
yourself.
155
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,739
Wow, Meg and Chris,
156
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:58,487
I can't decide
which one of your
hats I like better!
157
00:08:00,179 --> 00:08:02,447
I can't believe
you got a new dog.
158
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:03,614
What about me?
159
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:05,183
Hey, you're still my buddy.
160
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,763
New Brian is just
a new friend for
the family.
161
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:09,365
Trust me, you guys are
gonna get along better
162
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,789
than
Abraham Lincoln
and his neighbor.
163
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:18,062
Hey, Dale,
I noticed your lawn's
getting a little high.
164
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:21,098
Yeah. I used to have
a guy for that. Dick.
165
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,487
Okay, now, you have a good one.
166
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,649
My word,
what a gorgeous
way to wake up.
167
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,961
I hope you don't mind.
168
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,830
I checked the time
your alarm was set
for,
169
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,420
and I shut it off.
170
00:08:42,488 --> 00:08:44,767
I figured this might be
a more gentle way to
start off the day.
171
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:47,759
That is so thoughtful,
New Brian.
172
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:54,651
I'll start
up again in nine minutes.
173
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:59,403
Hey, Meg, I know how you
like to let off steam
once in a while,
174
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,604
so I got you a journal.
175
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:02,240
You got me a journal?
176
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:06,143
Actually,
I got you two of them,
my right ear and my left ear.
177
00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:07,878
Fire away.
178
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:10,459
Dear Diary,
today at the
school library,
179
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,428
I saw a picture in
National Geographic
180
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:15,620
of a woman with nipples
that cover most of her
breasts, too.
181
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,034
And, suddenly,
I didn't feel
so alone.
182
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,768
You know what it
sounds like to me?
183
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:23,627
Sounds like
the woman in that
picture was pretty beautiful.
184
00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:25,596
All right,
I'll see you at dinner.
185
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,899
Think fast!
Wow! Deodorant!
186
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:29,378
Are you sure I'm old enough?
187
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,768
I think so.
188
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:33,704
I'm gonna
make you a little
less gross every day.
189
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,811
Hey, New Brian.
You have a guitar!
190
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,280
Yep. In fact,
I wrote a new song today.
191
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,793
And I want to hear
what you think of it.
192
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,929
Where did you find
the time for that?
193
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:49,187
Peter, inspiration
doesn't have a schedule.
194
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:52,056
♪ I don't like
fancy learnin'
books
195
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,425
♪ I don't like apple tarts
196
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,995
♪ I don't like
cozy breakfast
nooks
197
00:09:57,064 --> 00:10:00,265
♪ I don't like modern arts
198
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,834
♪ Well, I like farts
199
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,036
♪ Yes, I like farts
200
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,938
♪ I like long farts,
short farts, wet farts
201
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,341
♪ Your farts,
I like farts, if
you've got heart
202
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:10,487
♪ Oh, I've got heart
203
00:10:10,511 --> 00:10:11,609
♪ Let's hear those farts
204
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:12,718
♪ How do I start?
205
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,378
♪ Well, Peter,
I will help you
206
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,448
♪ Get your fartin' started ♪
207
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:29,772
Hey, Brian,
I went out for
a run this morning,
208
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:30,940
and I found this stick.
209
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,075
I thought you might like it.
210
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,498
Wow. Thanks a lot.
211
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,478
And I got you this bag of weed.
212
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:38,303
I don't smoke it myself,
but I sure won't judge you.
213
00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:39,538
Gosh, thanks.
214
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,973
Check you later, handsome guy.
215
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,620
Well, you know,
I wasn't sure about
this new dog thing at first,
216
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,112
but I gotta tell you,
he's a really terrific guy.
217
00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:50,115
You poor damn fool.
What?
218
00:10:50,184 --> 00:10:52,484
You have no idea
what's going on here.
219
00:10:52,553 --> 00:10:55,498
He's not just
a delightful new
friend for the family.
220
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,722
He's your replacement.
221
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:58,256
Come on, that's ridiculous.
222
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,436
You're getting old,
Brian, and they know it.
223
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,172
You're no longer
the cover girl.
Look at Carol Alt.
224
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,108
That's what...
You're Carol Alt.
225
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,598
I'm through listening to you.
226
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,066
Fine. Think what you want,
aging supermodel Carol Alt.
227
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,170
N here!
228
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,617
They're
saying your name
on The Family Man!
229
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,752
- What?
- Huh?
230
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,986
- What?
- Huh?
231
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,788
- What?
- I forget.
232
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,146
And besides,
Brian, the evidence is all
right in front of your nose.
233
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,949
That's hilarious, New Brian.
234
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,397
Now do your impression
of Punky Brewster's
father.
235
00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:28,653
Punky...
236
00:11:29,223 --> 00:11:30,455
Punky!
237
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,626
Punky, you have
a dog named Brandon.
238
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,841
Hi.
I'm Carol Alt
for PoliGrip.
239
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,743
- They did it again!
- Who?
240
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:41,877
The Family Man.
241
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,313
Is that the one with the fish?
242
00:11:43,337 --> 00:11:45,297
No, that's American Boy.
243
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,811
Okay,
relax, Brian, there's
no way they'd replace you.
244
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,592
But it probably couldn't hurt
to remind them how much they
value you
245
00:11:55,616 --> 00:11:57,215
as a family member.
246
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,618
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
247
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,732
I just wanted to
check in with you.
248
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,767
You know, sometimes
life happens so fast,
249
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,903
we miss the most important
part, which is sharing it.
250
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:07,959
Uh-huh.
251
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,240
You see, Chris,
I care about you,
252
00:12:10,264 --> 00:12:13,209
and if there
is ever anything you
ever want to talk about
253
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,567
or if you just want some
company, I'm here for you.
254
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,070
So, how's it hanging?
255
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,772
Okay.
256
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,508
Hey, what you got here?
Oh, Maxim.
257
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,536
That
Jessica Biel
sure is a cutie.
258
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,325
You were
masturbating
when I came in.
259
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,682
Yeah.
260
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,318
So, how's it hanging?
Get out!
261
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:35,520
Gotcha.
262
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,172
Okay, everybody,
tonight I've got
a real treat for you.
263
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,574
We've all seen your
compilation video,
Brian.
264
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:45,997
Shatner singing Rocket Man,
265
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,077
drunk Orson Welles
doing that commercial,
266
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,779
Sylvester Stallone
in that porno,
267
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,648
and Bill Cosby
beating up that midget.
268
00:12:51,672 --> 00:12:53,304
Wait, I don't
remember that
last one.
269
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,240
Yeah,
it's freaking brutal,
for no reason, you know?
270
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,521
The poor little guy's
just sitting there
eating his Snack Pack.
271
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,590
Bill Cosby just runs in out
of nowhere and just starts
wailing on him.
272
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,047
Didn't that guy die?
273
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,228
No, no,
these are home movies
from when I was a puppy.
274
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:07,092
He died.
Okay, look, just watch.
275
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,102
Aw!
276
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,307
Look at him sleep.
277
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,587
I wonder what
he's dreaming
about.
278
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,043
Shut up, Meg.
279
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,814
Did you hear that?
He farted.
280
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,749
Just like in the song.
281
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,199
What the hell is
the matter with
you?
282
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,156
Outside! Outside now!
283
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:50,339
Well, I hate to say
I told you so, but...
284
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,441
Wait a minute.
I love saying
I told you so!
285
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,211
Hey, Stewie Griffin,
meet Stewie Griffin.
286
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,246
Nice to meet you.
Charmed, I'm sure.
287
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,215
Great outfit.
Go on. No, it is.
288
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,638
So what if there's a new dog?
289
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:02,740
Lots of families have two dogs.
290
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,388
Hey, Brian,
I thought maybe we could
spend the afternoon together.
291
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:06,644
Really?
That'd be great!
292
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:08,857
Awesome,
'cause I got
this new gun...
293
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,026
Here we go.
294
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,328
And I thought
we could go
deep in the woods,
295
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,695
where no one would
ever think to look...
296
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:14,852
Oh, boy.
297
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:16,632
And just shoot it.
Awkward.
298
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,068
You know, like so far in
that no one can hear
gunfire...
299
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,625
A little on the nose.
Or screaming.
300
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,628
I don't think so, Peter.
301
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,641
Jeez,
it's like he thinks
I'm gonna shoot him.
302
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:29,033
He's acting all
crazy like Quagmire
when he drunk-dials me.
303
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,438
Hello?
304
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,851
Hey,what are you...What are you doing?
305
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,408
Quagmire, I'm sleeping.
306
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,987
Yeah, I was just out with Joe.
307
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,611
What are you doing?
308
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,846
I just told you.
309
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:43,280
That's right.
310
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,827
I just...I just askedthat. I forgot.
311
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,652
Hey, hey, this song
made me think of you,
312
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,154
so, wait, listen to this song.
313
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,800
Isn't that awesome?
314
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,372
You said you
weren't gonna call him.
315
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,873
It's not him, you big bully.
316
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,832
Joe told me not to call you.
317
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,334
So what...
So what are you doing?
318
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,987
Everyone, I have
an announcement
to make.
319
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:13,378
I've decided I'm leaving.
320
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:16,458
What?
Leaving?
Brian, why?
321
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,884
Well, you know,
I feel like I've sort
of run my course here,
322
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:23,098
and, you know, besides,
there's a whole big
world out there,
323
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,322
and it's time I saw it.
324
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:27,324
But, Brian,
you live here.
This is your home.
325
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,805
I know,
but I've thought about
this long and hard, and...
326
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:32,462
"Long and hard."
I'm sorry.
327
00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:34,065
Brian, please, please continue.
328
00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:36,233
This is just
something I have to do.
329
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,935
Well, where will you go?
330
00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:41,150
Well, I haven't decided
that yet, but I promise
I'll be in touch.
331
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,819
Wait. How is
that one dirty?
332
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,110
It's... I was remembering
"long and hard."
333
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:49,613
Well, if your mind
is made up about
this, Brian,
334
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,327
then I wish you
the best of luck.
335
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:54,631
I hope this move
won't be a boner
for you.
336
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,287
Peter?
337
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,389
What?
338
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,392
I was just saying to Brian,
"I hope this move won't be
a boner."
339
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,760
I would agree.
I hope he finds
what he's looking for.
340
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:04,974
Okay.
341
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,958
Well,
we're gonna
miss you, Brian.
342
00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:16,084
Hey, everybody,
let's watch this tape.
343
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,387
Okay, now
there's the midget
just sitting there.
344
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,155
Now watch the left
side of the screen.
345
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,645
I'm in a bad mood,
346
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,447
and I'm gonna
take it out on you!
347
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,183
Oh, my God!
Well, he's obviously drunk.
348
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:28,218
You're hurting me!
349
00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:31,054
About which
I do not care very much.
350
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:40,064
Pancake?
Just a small one, thanks.
351
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,568
My God,
these are the best
pancakes I've ever had!
352
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,404
And I've been to IHOP.
353
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,913
These are the best
pancakes I've ever
had!
354
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,841
And I've been to Applebee's.
355
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,477
These are the best
pancakes I've ever
had!
356
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:55,346
And I've been to Denny's.
357
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,848
These pancakes are okay.
358
00:16:57,917 --> 00:17:00,985
Boy,
I bet Brian would
love these pancakes.
359
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,286
I wonder where he is.
360
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,398
He's next door with Cleveland.
361
00:17:03,422 --> 00:17:05,622
I saw him on my
morning paper route.
362
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,492
With you,
363
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,795
but I'm perfectly capable
of going to the bathroom
by myself.
364
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,265
Sorry,
but there's a leash
law in this neighborhood,
365
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,067
and you never know
who's watching.
366
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:23,908
I'm watching you make stool.
367
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,948
Hey, New Brian.
I see you're
having pie.
368
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:34,818
You know,
pie isn't really
pie without Cool Whip.
369
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,122
Everything's better
with Cool Whip.
370
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,302
Did you hear what I said?
Yeah. What about it?
371
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,426
It doesn't bother you
the way I pronounce it?
372
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,462
Cool Whip?
No. Why would it?
373
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,930
Cool Whip.
I'm putting
emphasis on the "H."
374
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,265
Sounds right to me.
375
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:49,933
Nothing ever bothers you,
does it?
376
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,336
No, not really.
I like everything.
377
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,306
God, he's
a bigger buzzkill
than Buzz Killington.
378
00:17:55,374 --> 00:18:01,679
Stewie, do you know
why W.S. Gilbert was
frequently drunk on his
379
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,814
transatlantic crossings?
380
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,149
No.
381
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:09,253
Because he
was quartered
on the port side.
382
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,691
Now that I've got you,
383
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:18,563
let's both revisit the birth
of The D'Oyly Carte Opera
Company.
384
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:29,139
♪ Everybody hurts
385
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:30,841
Two, three...
386
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,944
♪ Sometimes ♪
387
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,481
Okay, New Brian, you're next!
388
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,650
Oh, no. Oh, boy.
389
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,797
All right, well,
I can't do this
alone.
390
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,200
Lois,
I'm gonna need
your help here.
391
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,923
Oh, my God. Okay.
392
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:49,871
Rita Coolidge's
less-talented
sister here.
393
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,710
In what way is that a joke?
394
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:55,966
Okay, you start.
395
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,212
All right.
I don't know...
396
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,580
Am I blue
or am I red?
This is crazy.
397
00:18:58,604 --> 00:18:59,937
You're blue.
You're blue.
398
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:01,539
Okay, I'll do it, then.
399
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:05,609
♪ Summer lovin'
had me a blast
400
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:09,246
♪ Summer lovin'
happened so fast
401
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:13,084
♪ I met a girl,
that's you, crazy for me
402
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:17,221
♪ I met a boy,
he's as cute as can be
403
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:20,124
♪ Summer days driftin' away
♪ Summer days driftin' away
404
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:22,793
♪ To uh-oh those summer nights
♪ To uh-oh those summer nights
405
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,995
♪ Oh,
well-a, well-a, well-a, uh
406
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,024
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more ♪
407
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,780
Thanks for letting
me stay here, Glenn.
I hope I'm not in the way.
408
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:36,773
No, no,
it should be fine.
But, listen, Brian,
409
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,543
I'm gonna be bringing
a Puerto Rican girl
over here later.
410
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:42,212
And she's super
hot and real nice,
411
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:47,818
but when she was five
years old, her dad ran over
one of her legs with his van,
412
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,154
and it's still kind of messed up
413
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,623
in a pretty obvious,
instantly visible way.
414
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,193
Please don't say anything.
415
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,961
And try to make
eye contact with her
when she wobbles in,
416
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,930
because I want this to work.
417
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,544
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
418
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,801
I'm serious, Brian.
That leg is a train wreck.
419
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,869
I mean,
she herself
is so pretty,
420
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:09,207
but that thing
just looks like
a string of sausages
421
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,252
with one empty casing in it.
I get it.
422
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:12,843
I mean,
it's quite
a sight, you know?
423
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,889
I mean,
when she's not looking,
you should take a look at it,
424
00:20:14,913 --> 00:20:16,714
but, good God, be discreet.
425
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,283
Yeah, I'll check that out.
426
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,567
Stewie, what are you doing here?
427
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:26,669
Brian,
you gotta come back.
Why?
428
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:29,893
Because
New Brian
is such a tool.
429
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:33,331
I mean, he's so damn sweet
and saccharine and perfect,
430
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,766
and he's
turning the family
into a bunch of douches.
431
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,413
Big deal.
You always told
me I was a douche.
432
00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:43,040
Yeah, but you were
my douche, Brian.
My douche.
433
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,487
Come back and
be my douche
again.
434
00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:47,845
Hi, I'm looking for Glenn?
435
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,413
Oh!
What happened to your leg?
436
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,784
Damn it, Brian!
437
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,386
Come back home, Brian.
438
00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:57,833
I tell you what.
When this is all over,
I'll make you some pie
439
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,490
with a nice dollop of Cool Whip.
440
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,071
There it is again.
Why are you putting so
much emphasis on the "H"?
441
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,429
That's exactly why
I miss you, Brian.
442
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:08,899
Forget it. I'm not going
back as long as that new
dog is there.
443
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:12,503
As long as he's
a part of that family,
there's no place for me.
444
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,048
Well, I can't say I blame you.
445
00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:15,906
I hate him as much
as you do, Brian.
446
00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:19,910
He's a bad fit,
like a crocodile
at an alligator rally.
447
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:22,713
Yeah!
Lurking in the water
with our eyes poking out!
448
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:24,393
Yeah!
Yeah!
449
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:26,983
Sneaking up on
a crane or an egret
and snapping our jaws on it!
450
00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:28,597
Yeah!
Yeah!
451
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:32,022
And sometimes walking out
onto a dry plain or dusty
field
452
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:35,004
because
it's nice to get out of
the swamp now and then!
453
00:21:35,028 --> 00:21:36,548
Yeah.
Yeah.
454
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,195
What?
455
00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:40,998
Dry plain?
Dusty field?
456
00:21:41,066 --> 00:21:42,678
Nice to get out of the swamp?
457
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:44,534
What a croc!
458
00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:46,763
And that's where
we get the term.
459
00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:53,877
Hey, New Brian.
460
00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:55,779
Bad news.
You gotta leave.
461
00:21:55,848 --> 00:21:57,092
Huh?
What are you
talking about?
462
00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:58,181
This is my home.
463
00:21:58,250 --> 00:21:59,750
Nobody likes you here, man.
464
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,263
Well, I disagree.
I think everybody
likes me.
465
00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:03,621
No, we don't.
466
00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:06,123
We don't like your cooking,
your stupid karaoke nights,
467
00:22:06,192 --> 00:22:09,360
and we especially don't like
the way you hump that chair
in the den.
468
00:22:09,428 --> 00:22:11,795
Well, Rupert seems
to like my humping.
469
00:22:12,698 --> 00:22:14,342
What did you say?
Rupert.
470
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:16,344
Humped him for
two hours yesterday.
471
00:22:16,368 --> 00:22:18,288
He just laid there and took it.
472
00:22:18,937 --> 00:22:20,704
Did he?
Yeah.
473
00:22:20,772 --> 00:22:24,408
And now every time
you're sleeping with him,
he's gonna be thinking of me.
474
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,768
"And that is why
I killed myself,
chopped myself up
475
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,603
"and put myself
in the garbage."
476
00:22:41,627 --> 00:22:43,372
Wow, he must've had some demons.
477
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:45,896
My God, suicide.
478
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:48,265
How could we
have misjudged
him so severely?
479
00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:50,679
Oftentimes,
it's the ones who
seem the happiest.
480
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,637
Well,
the upside is, at least
we have our old Brian back.
481
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:57,441
From now on, buddy, you're
the only animal I care about.
482
00:22:57,510 --> 00:23:00,777
Hey, everybody,
I'm Bernie the hamster.
483
00:23:00,846 --> 00:23:02,579
Would you like to be my friend?
484
00:23:02,648 --> 00:23:04,281
Oh, my God!
485
00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:07,317
It's okay, Peter.
486
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:09,353
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a hamster!
487
00:23:13,159 --> 00:23:16,304
We'll talk about it
when you want to
talk about it.
488
00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:21,198
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.
37166
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