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1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,704
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,302
You guys are gonna
love this spa.
11
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,937
They give the best massages.
12
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:40,839
Your whole bodies will
feel like Joe's legs.
13
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:42,018
Wow.
14
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,787
That would be nice,
for a short period.
15
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,891
I tell you, I need this.
I've had a really
stressful morning.
16
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,517
Are you telling me
that it's 8:25?
17
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,585
Precisely!
18
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,654
Damn. I'm late for school.
19
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:59,624
♪ Don't need money
Don't take fame
20
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:03,128
♪ Don't need no credit card
to ride this train
21
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:07,166
♪ It's strong and it's sudden
And it's cruel sometimes
22
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:11,737
♪ But it might
just save your life... ♪
23
00:01:11,806 --> 00:01:15,073
♪ That's the power of love ♪
24
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:18,154
Okay, why don't you just
get yourself settled up
on the table?
25
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:19,556
I'll give you a minute.
26
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,246
What am I supposed...
27
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,556
You ready in there?
28
00:01:29,624 --> 00:01:30,689
Yeah.
29
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,194
You put some fake poo
on the floor... Oh, no!
30
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,196
Get out! Get out! Scat!
31
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:41,333
This is more like it.
32
00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:48,040
♪ Oh, my love... ♪
33
00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:50,275
Is the music okay?
34
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,646
Actually, would you mind
tuning it to 97.1?
35
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,348
You're listening
to "The Quiet Storm."
36
00:01:56,417 --> 00:02:00,319
Up next, the musicof the Isleys,Teddy Pendergrass,
37
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,188
and right now,
here's some Marvin Gaye.
38
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,357
That's what I'm talking about.
39
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:09,695
Oh, this is long overdue.
40
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,631
There's nothing like
a good suit massage.
41
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,435
Focus on the lapels,
that's where I carry
most of my stress.
42
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:19,516
Okay, here's one.
If you were gay
43
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,717
and you had to have sex
44
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:23,275
with either John Forsythe
or Sean Connery,
45
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,423
who would it be?
46
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,289
That's easy.
John Forsythe.
47
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,412
Yeah, John Forsythe.
48
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,613
John Forsythe, absolutely.
49
00:02:28,683 --> 00:02:30,527
That's so funny.
I would also say
John Forsythe.
50
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,751
I was just curious.
51
00:02:31,786 --> 00:02:34,619
Yeah, I mean
Sean Connery
is just so...
52
00:02:34,689 --> 00:02:35,689
Uh-oh.
53
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:38,123
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
54
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:40,391
It's too late,
the damage is done.
55
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,364
Hey, Chris, you know
what I just got?
56
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,233
The box set of
Lord of the Rings.
It's awesome.
57
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,715
Yeah, but you remember
the giant eagle they
rode in the first one
58
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,850
that then rescues
them at the end
of the third one?
59
00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:56,240
Yeah, yeah.
60
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,321
Yeah, why didn't
they just fly the
eagle to Mordor
61
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:01,357
instead of spending
three movies
walking there?
62
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:04,115
That's not what
it's about, Chris.
It's about the quest.
63
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,495
Well, I'm not arguing
that with you,
64
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,129
I'm just saying
there's a hole
in the story.
65
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,153
Did you like the movie?
66
00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,299
Well, that's not the point.
67
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,855
Did you like the movie?
68
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,868
Well, of course,
I loved the movie, but,
look, I'm no writer,
69
00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:16,205
but if a fat kid
like me with one
finger up his nose
70
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:18,808
is bumped by it,
you'd think someone
would've caught it.
71
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,432
So, you didn't like the eagle.
72
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,513
Well, no, I did.
The eagle was majestic
and beautiful,
73
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:27,872
but sometimes you have
to sacrifice spectacle
for a coherent storyline.
74
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,887
Have you ever
seen Krull?
No.
75
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,744
Yeah, you don't
need to see Krull.
76
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,781
All right, guys,
the best thing you can do
for your body after a massage
77
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,351
is hot coffee, alcohol
and Slim Jims.
78
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:41,219
Oh, Dad, I'm glad you're here.
79
00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:43,355
There's something
I need to ask you.
80
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:45,323
What is it, Chris?
81
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,058
Well, today, in gym class,
82
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:50,127
I noticed one of
my testicles went up
inside my body
83
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,597
and it hasn't come back out yet,
84
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,165
and I'm a little scared.
85
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,247
Sir, this employee
just made a sexual
remark to me.
86
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,604
No, Dad, I'm really worried.
87
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,473
See? Look.
Is that normal?
88
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:05,210
Sir, sir! Your employee
is exposing himself to me!
89
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:06,279
But, Dad...
90
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:07,790
You got a lawsuit
on your hands, mister.
91
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,492
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, look, look.
92
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,561
If you'd be willing
to forget this whole
thing happened,
93
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,585
I'll give you this gas card.
94
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,354
Unlimited free gas for a year?
95
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,900
Just 'cause I threatened
to sue you?
96
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,358
Well, that, and you're not
the worst-looking guy
97
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,459
who's ever come in here.
98
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,961
That's what I wanted to hear.
99
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,435
A free gas card.
100
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,148
This could save us
a lot of money.
101
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,606
Yeah, everyone except Brian,
'cause he bought a Prius.
102
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,241
What a dumbass!
103
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,589
What? What? What'd I miss?
Are we laughing at Brian?
104
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,381
Brian, you suck.
105
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,882
What the devil is in here?
106
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,928
I threw out all your
apple juice, Stewie.
107
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,386
We're a gas family now.
108
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,721
You put gasoline
in Stewie's bottle?
109
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,891
You damn fool!
You're more useless
than Aquaman.
110
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:57,462
Help! Somebody help! Rape!
111
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,032
Scream all you want,
nobody can hear you out here.
112
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,166
I can!
113
00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:02,600
Aquaman, help!
114
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,137
Hey, hey, hey, let her go!
115
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,305
Or what?
116
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:08,773
Or... I don't know, man,
117
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:12,911
but you're lucky
you're not doing that
over here in the ocean.
118
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,213
Or else...
Or I would stop you.
119
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:18,383
For God sakes, help!
Do something!
120
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,186
If you don't like starfish,
121
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:23,055
you're gonna be mad
about what I just did!
122
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,123
Oh! God, help!
123
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,724
You're in for it now, buddy!
124
00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:29,261
I got, like,
five fish coming to help.
125
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,829
Here they are!
126
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,931
Help! He's hurting me!
127
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,466
Well, maybe you shouldn't
have led him on.
128
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,317
Peter, what the hell is that?
129
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,153
It's a space shuttle, Lois.
130
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:46,645
I figured, with unlimited
free gas, I can finally
afford to go into space.
131
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,491
Why is it every time
I open this door,
132
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,560
you seem to be in
some ridiculous vehicle
133
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,328
you've inexplicably acquired?
134
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,552
I got this at a NASA auction
for next to nothing.
135
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,054
They were gonna scrap it
136
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,500
'cause of some minor
mechanical problems
or something.
137
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,635
Instead, they sold it to me.
Very simple explanation.
138
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,738
I do not want you
trying to fly that thing.
139
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,506
You're not even
a trained astronaut.
140
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,564
Relax, Lois.
Nothing bad ever happens
to space shuttles.
141
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:07,933
Now stand back.
142
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,448
I'm back from space, everybody.
143
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,982
You got lucky, Peter.
144
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,228
How was it, Dad?
145
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,751
Mind-boggling, Chris.
146
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,187
Barreling around the Earth
at 5 miles per second,
147
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,522
watching the sun rise
over the Sea of Japan.
148
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,225
It's indescribable.
149
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:36,161
Plus, I had lots of time
to masturbate, which,
in space, is great,
150
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,630
except after a while
it's like living
in a snow globe.
151
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:42,267
Peter, instead of wasting
your free gas on a series
of comedic stunts,
152
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,580
why don't you use it
more constructively?
153
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,682
I mean, we could take
a family vacation.
154
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,351
Yeah, that's a great idea, Mom.
155
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,353
Hey, maybe we can go
to the island from Lost.
156
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:53,537
No, I don't want to
listen to Matthew Fox's
heavy breathing.
157
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:59,418
Kate. You don't get it.
We are the island.
158
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,723
Hand me that paper bag.
159
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,106
Jack, that's got my poop in it.
160
00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:11,630
I know, I know.
161
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,632
It's got a hint
of coconut in it.
162
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,233
And something else...
163
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,742
But that's part of the mystery.
164
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,776
Everybody up,
we're going on vacation.
165
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,885
Car leaves
at 6:00 a.m. sharp.
166
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:35,520
Fuck! You blow that
fucking horn again,
167
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:39,657
I swear to God I will
ram that fucking thing
up your goddamn ass!
168
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,127
All aboard for the Grand Canyon.
169
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,645
I know you're tired, Stewie,
170
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:52,170
but you can sleep
all you want in the car.
171
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,172
6:00 a.m.
172
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,408
I shouldn't have
stayed up all night
listening to Persian radio.
173
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,522
Hey,that was Roxette with
You've Got the Look.
174
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:06,117
It's 21:00 and still27 centigrade out there.That's hot!
175
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,765
So, if you're cruisingalong the left sideof the road
176
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:12,157
at 120 kilometers per hour
in the Schechevi Desert,
177
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,958
turn up the decibels,
178
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:19,664
'cause it's Cheb Mamiwith Zechechmelechon 103.2, the Hoch!
179
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,733
What's with all those birds?
180
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,313
My tropical bird collection.
181
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,297
Just in case.
Just in case what?
182
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,840
We're not gonna need
a dozen tropical birds.
183
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,520
Oh, I was not aware
that you could see
the future, Lois.
184
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:33,756
Can I go ahead
and get tomorrow's
lottery number?
185
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,179
Stupid woman.
186
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,160
Peter, you are not
putting those birds
in the car!
187
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,452
Well, then I guess
we're not going on vacation.
188
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,188
Good.
Then I'm going back to bed.
189
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,836
All right, Peter,
you can bring
the stupid birds.
190
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,760
You're letting me be myself!
191
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,230
Verybody, let's go!
192
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,010
All right, everybody, off we go.
193
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,578
We are gonna have
such a great time.
194
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,046
Hello.
195
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,480
Hey, Peter, what's up?
196
00:08:58,504 --> 00:09:00,749
Hey, Quagmire.
Just taking the
family on vacation.
197
00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,240
That's good.
Hang on a second.
198
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,509
I'm stuck behind some
fatass driving too slow.
199
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:05,778
Come on, stupid, move it!
200
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,559
Hang on, Quagmire.
Some jerk behind me
is honking his horn.
201
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,248
You should totally flip him off.
202
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,295
Hang on a sec,some fatass justflipped me off.
203
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,486
Hey, up yours, you jerk!
204
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,366
Hang on, Quagmire,
I gotta kick
this guy's ass.
205
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,668
Yeah, I gotta kick
this guy's ass.
206
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,002
Hey, I'll call you
back after the fight.
207
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,158
Yeah, me, too.
208
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,895
Good luck in yours.
Good luck in yours.
209
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,708
Lois? I'm awake, Lois.
210
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,343
Lois!
211
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:42,347
Lois? Where the devil
is everyone?
212
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,984
This place is more deserted
than James Gandolfini's
workout room.
213
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,295
Just waiting for my breakfast...
214
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,564
Lois!
215
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,667
I know how to get her attention.
216
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,637
Lois, I'm about to
drink my first soda!
217
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:08,105
Better come stop me!
218
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:11,643
That must be the sugar.
Oh, God, that's good!
219
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,814
Rupert, suddenly I want
to run! Chase me!
220
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,558
Now I'm sad.
221
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:32,263
Brian, do me a favor
and check on Stewie,
would you?
222
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,509
He's fine.
223
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:36,034
Hey, what do you say
we sing a driving song?
224
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:39,437
♪ Some say love
225
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:44,342
♪ It is a river
226
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:47,145
♪ That drowns
227
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:50,715
♪ The tender reed
228
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:54,653
♪ Some say love
229
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:59,391
♪ It is a razor
230
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,294
♪ That leaves
231
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:06,230
♪ Your soul to bleed
232
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,867
♪ When the night
♪ When the night
233
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:14,539
♪ Has been too lonely
♪ Has been too lonely
234
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,475
♪ And the road
♪ And the road
235
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:21,712
♪ Has been too long
♪ Has been too long
236
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:25,049
♪ And you think
♪ And you think
237
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:28,586
♪ That love is only
♪ That love is only
238
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:33,190
♪ For the lucky
♪ For the lucky
239
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:36,995
♪ And the strong
♪ And the strong
240
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:40,732
♪ Just remember
241
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,535
♪ In the winter
242
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:48,172
♪ Far beneath
243
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:52,544
♪ The bitter snows
244
00:11:52,613 --> 00:11:55,847
♪ Lies the seed
245
00:11:55,916 --> 00:12:00,185
♪ That with the sun's love
246
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,221
♪ In the spring
247
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:10,194
♪ Becomes the rose ♪
248
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,277
Okay, that was good.
That was good.
249
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:18,314
Chris, I think you were
a little early at
the start of bar four.
250
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:19,816
I don't know,
how'd that sound
from your end?
251
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,517
Sounded great out here,
you want another?
252
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,019
No, if that works
for you, we're fine.
253
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,153
All good on my end.
254
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,911
All right, that's a take.
255
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,192
There's no sign
of them anywhere.
256
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:33,985
Meg? Chris? Brian?
257
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:36,888
They're gone.
I'm all alone.
258
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,857
I can do whatever I want!
259
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,992
I'm going to take Brian's novel
260
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:45,663
and replace every use
of the word "and"
with the word "fart."
261
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,700
"The young soldier
fart his brother
looked at each other,
262
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:49,834
"fart both knew that,
263
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:52,369
"with love fart
truth fart courage,
264
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,539
"they would both emerge
st-fart-ing on their feet."
265
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,776
That one didn't work.
266
00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:01,357
Well, let's see
what fascinating
pubescent treasures
267
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,713
Chris has got hidden away.
268
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,249
Ooh!
269
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:07,463
Hustler magazine.
I finally get to see
what a vagina looks...
270
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:10,188
God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
271
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:18,863
You can't hurt anyone anymore.
272
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,370
Why are we in New York?
273
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,339
I thought we were going
to the Grand Canyon.
274
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,575
Well, I just thought
we should stop
and pay our respects.
275
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,079
Ground Zero.
276
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,715
So this is where
the first guy got AIDS.
277
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,918
Peter, this is the site of
the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
278
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,999
So Saddam Hussein
did this?
No.
279
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,300
The Iraqi army?
No.
280
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,701
Some guys from Iraq?
No.
281
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,669
That one lady
who visited Iraq
that one time?
282
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,527
No. Peter, Iraq had
nothing to do with this.
283
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:52,063
It was a bunch
of Saudi Arabians,
Lebanese and Egyptians
284
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,632
financed by
a Saudi Arabian guy
living in Afghanistan
285
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,734
and sheltered by Pakistanis.
286
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:59,270
So you're saying
we need to invade Iran?
287
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:03,675
Wake up, Stewie.
288
00:14:03,744 --> 00:14:06,511
Let's get you out
of that seat and
into a fresh diaper.
289
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,179
Oh, my God!
290
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,348
Peter, Stewie's not in the car!
291
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,417
Oh, my God! We must
have left him at home!
292
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:16,721
Oh, my God.
That is hilarious.
293
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,467
He is probably freaking out.
294
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,325
God! I would give anything
to see his face right now.
295
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:24,741
He's probably all,
like, "Where the
deuce is everyone?"
296
00:14:24,765 --> 00:14:26,776
Well, I can't really
do a good Stewie.
297
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,345
Oh, my God!
What kind of
a mother am I?
298
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,002
Peter, we gotta
go home right now!
299
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,682
Great, Lois.
Now we gotta bail
on the whole vacation!
300
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,874
This sucks! Now, every time
I come back to this place,
301
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:39,922
it's going to be
associated with one
particular bad memory.
302
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:42,024
Actually, we could call
Quagmire and Cleveland.
303
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,759
They can go over
and check on Stewie.
304
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,895
They'd probably even be
willing to look after him
till we got home.
305
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,553
Well, okay. I guess so.
306
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,855
Yeah. Quagmire and Cleveland
are great with kids.
307
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:53,090
Like Robin Williams
in Patch Adams.
308
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,037
Oh! Everybody's
lying around in here.
309
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,561
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
310
00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:57,928
What am I, in Congress?
311
00:14:57,997 --> 00:14:59,976
See? Laughter is
the best medicine.
312
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,900
Please, sir,
I'm in so much pain.
313
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,535
Shut up and listen
to my material!
314
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,839
What's this?
Bedpan? Peter Pan.
Next stop is Neverland.
315
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,141
Come, Wendy, fly with me.
316
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,613
Hmm.
317
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:17,827
I've never executed
a diaper change before.
318
00:15:17,851 --> 00:15:19,294
Of course, how hard can it be?
319
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,663
You just unfasten these things,
320
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,464
then lay back with
your legs in the air,
321
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,588
and let nature do the rest.
322
00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:28,059
It's still there.
323
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:30,505
Usually, the doody's
disappeared by now,
but it hasn't.
324
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:33,569
It's just sitting there
like Joseph on his
wedding night.
325
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,236
Happiest night
of my life, honey.
326
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,905
Really memorable.
327
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,919
Almost done in there, God?
328
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,143
Shut up!
329
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,679
Intruders!
330
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,614
Stewie, you in there?
331
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,486
Think he's here?
332
00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,225
God! It's Cleveland
and Bob Hope.
333
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,592
Oh, well.
The damage is done.
334
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:02,894
Better get them out of here.
335
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,573
Perhaps I'll shackle
them in the basement
336
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,865
with a 24-hour broadcast
of the DirecTV help channel.
337
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,781
What the hell?
Where are we?
338
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:14,483
Getting toknow your remote is easierthan you might think.
339
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,441
These buttons at the top
control volume, channel
340
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,209
and the power on your receiver.
341
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,512
To see what else is playing,
just press "guide,"
342
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,191
and then scroll through
the onscreen menu
343
00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:26,150
by pushing the arrow button,
or to scroll even faster,
344
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:28,486
use the channel up
or channel down button.
345
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:32,390
Now you're on your wayto experiencing all thatDirecTV has to offer.
346
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:33,502
Now that we've
learned the basics...
347
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:34,770
This may be kind of messed up,
348
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,695
but am I the only one
getting a boner right now?
349
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,798
Is there anything
that doesn't give you
a boner, Glenn?
350
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:43,378
People who use the word
"rubbish" when they mean
"garbage."
351
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:44,479
Really?
Yeah.
352
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,605
Not even a wiggle down there.
353
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,040
Ter, it's been eight hours,
354
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,543
and I haven't heard back
from Cleveland or Quagmire.
355
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,211
I even tried Joe.
356
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,679
This is my wheelchair!
357
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,960
There are many like it,
but this one is mine!
358
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,117
Without me,
my wheelchair is useless!
359
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,063
Without my wheelchair,
I am useless!
360
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,095
Shut up!
Okay.
361
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,660
This sucks!
I want to see
the Grand Canyon!
362
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:13,463
I'm sorry, but we are not
leaving Stewie by himself.
363
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,698
We're going home.
364
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,871
No way!
Those guys have
a TV in their car!
365
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:24,775
They're watching
Operation Dumbo Screw
with Don Knotts.
366
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,089
Professor, you've got to
impregnate this elephant
367
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:29,391
or the entire species
will become extinct.
368
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:32,616
You mean I gotta put
this thing in that thing?
369
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,786
Well, this is a job
that's not worth the money!
370
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,254
Peter, watch the road!
371
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:38,734
Lois, get off my back, will you?
372
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:39,868
I'm trying to watch TV.
373
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,092
I swear to God,
374
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,038
sometimes I think
your head's screwed
on backwards.
375
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,440
I mean, do you have any idea...
376
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:57,340
Hey, crashy, what are
you doing down there?
377
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,282
Well, Rupert,
we're out of food, diapers,
378
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:06,884
and just about everything else.
379
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:08,819
Which means I've got
to get a job.
380
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:11,408
Otherwise, we'll be
in worse shape than
Morbidly Obese Albert.
381
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,470
We brought you some chocolates.
382
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:19,564
I can't eat those chocolates
on account of my diabetes.
383
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,944
Remember, they had
to take my foot?
384
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,267
Look on the bright side.
385
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,136
Now you get your
shoes half price.
386
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,173
All right.
Maybe I'll have one.
387
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:36,180
Welcome to McBurgertown.
Can I take your order?
388
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:37,860
Stewie, you've got
to clean the bathroom.
389
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,750
No! No! I'm not
going back in there!
390
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,497
Stewie, I'm not
giving you a choice.
391
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,865
You've gotta go clean that up.
392
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,823
No! No! It was literally
only on the floor, all right?
393
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,892
There was no attempt
to get near the toilet.
394
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:51,362
It's like they just
pressed their buttocks
against the wall.
395
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,475
The only part of the floor
that didn't have poo on it
396
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:54,843
was the part that
had a baby on it.
397
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,907
Go!
398
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:00,783
Peter, did you get
the train tickets?
399
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,272
Actually, no, Lois.
400
00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:04,508
There was a guy
inside selling
shower curtain rings,
401
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:05,777
so I bought a bunch of those.
402
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,923
Peter, that was
the last of our cash!
403
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,292
These ones have
helium in them,
so they're very light.
404
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,882
You are unbelievable!
405
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,029
The last four days
have been a living hell!
406
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:15,864
Our baby is at home
all by himself,
407
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,265
yet, instead of getting us home,
408
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:20,068
you've managed
to make things worse
at every turn!
409
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,705
A monkey would be
a refreshing
step up from you.
410
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,461
A monkey would talk less.
411
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,530
Here's a little tip.
412
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,099
If your instinct tells you
to do something, don't do it!
413
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,246
If your instinct tells you
not to do something,
414
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,538
it's probably the
right thing to do!
415
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:36,707
You wanna hurt me?
416
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,921
Go right ahead,
if it makes you
feel any better.
417
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,980
I'm an easy target.
Yeah, you're right.
I talk too much.
418
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,584
I also listen too much.
419
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:49,554
I could be a coldhearted
cynic like you,
420
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,189
but I don't like to
hurt peoples' feelings.
421
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,292
Well, you think
what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
422
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,528
I like... I like me.
423
00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:01,665
My kids like me.
My friends like me.
424
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:05,369
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.
425
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,776
Movie references.
426
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,924
Guys, I found us a ride
to Quahog in the back
of a truck! Hurry!
427
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,181
Oh! Thank God!
428
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,028
Come on. Let's head home
before Stewie gets hurt,
429
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:21,563
like Fozzie Bear
when he went
to Saudi Arabia.
430
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,420
It's good to worship Allah,
431
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:26,656
'cause I used to worship
summer! Wocka, wocka.
432
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:31,195
I once knew a guy
who was so Arab...
433
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:33,397
How Arab was he?
434
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:36,033
He was so Arab that
everybody liked him,
435
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:38,668
and there was nothing
funny about him at all.
436
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,387
Stewie, can I see you
in my office for a second?
437
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,211
Yeah. What's up, Eric?
Everything okay?
438
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,881
Yeah. Just come
into my office.
439
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:53,751
Stewie, Shawanda said
she saw you sneaking food.
440
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,286
What?
441
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:57,032
She said she saw you in
the back of the kitchen
442
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,500
sneaking a fish sandwich.
443
00:20:58,524 --> 00:21:01,225
Come on, dude!
444
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:04,895
Yes. Okay. But the thing
was five minutes past
the throw-out time.
445
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:06,108
Well, be that as it may,
446
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,372
Shawanda took
these pictures
on her cell phone.
447
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,306
You're fired.
448
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:22,312
We're broke, Rupert.
I'm jobless,
there's no food left,
449
00:21:22,381 --> 00:21:25,649
I'm out of diapers,
and I'm down
to Meg's last hat.
450
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,986
We're doomed, you know.
Let it be written
on my tombstone
451
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:32,556
that my life was
considerably better
with my family around,
452
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,759
and I didn't realize it
until it was too late.
453
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:49,606
Mommy! Daddy! Chris! Dog!
Brian! They're home!
454
00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:56,113
Mommy! Thank God
you're home!
455
00:21:56,182 --> 00:21:58,181
Stewie, my baby!
456
00:21:58,250 --> 00:21:59,728
I promise with all my heart
457
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:02,186
that I'll never say or do
anything bad to you
458
00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:04,233
for the rest of the evening.
459
00:22:04,257 --> 00:22:08,592
By the way, I disabled
the V-chip, and I watched
so much porn.
460
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:11,495
Sweetie, I'm so glad
you're all right.
461
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:13,697
Yeah. No thanks to
Cleveland and Quagmire.
462
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:15,366
Wonder what the hell
happened to them.
463
00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:17,475
And now you're ready
to enjoy the full range
464
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,970
of exciting DirecTV
programming options.
465
00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:22,639
And remember, for answers to
any questions you may have,
466
00:22:22,708 --> 00:22:24,842
you can consult
the onscreen help menu,
467
00:22:24,911 --> 00:22:27,444
or 24-hour online
assistance is available
468
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:32,216
at www.directv.com/help.
469
00:22:32,285 --> 00:22:34,852
So sit back and enjoy DirecTV.
470
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:36,954
Thanks for joining us.
471
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:39,423
Welcome to the
DirecTV Help Channel,
472
00:22:39,492 --> 00:22:43,094
your destination
for getting started with
your new DirecTV system.
473
00:22:43,162 --> 00:22:45,763
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
36527
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