Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, hurry up and hand in your Oscar picks

before it starts.

Peter, for Best Picture, you wrote Wild Hogs.

Lois, "Four guys from the suburbs hit the road,

"and the road hit back."

Peter knows the advertising log lines for every movie.

Blades of Glory.

"Kick some ice."

Entrapment.

"The trap is set."

RV.

"On a family vacation, no one can hear you scream."

Philadelphia.

"Poop chute lawsuit."

I don't remember that one.

That one doesn't sound real.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson,

and for some reason, Steve Buscemi.

Sy one.

That's right, Scarlett, but this year...

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to the Elton John party.

What the hell?

I told you we were staying for the Governors Ball.

And I told you, Tim, we would see how the evening plays out.

You guys have fun. I'm going for Scarlett.

It smells like Josh Hartnett's balls in there.

I took a laxative and a stool hardener,

and they're fighting it out in there.

Yeah, it's upstairs, Mort.

Oh, boy, I hope there's a scale in there.

I'd like to have a "before" and "after" on this one.

I'll be out in a minute.

I really need to go.

She said she'll be out in a minute!

I hope there's another bathroom in here. Oh, God.

Oh, thank God, a Porta-Potty.

Dad, Mr. Goldman never drank his Ensure.

Can I have it, even though it's dinnertime?

Sure, Chris. "Drink Ensure as a meal, or in-between meals.

"Or when you're on the go!"

Is Mort still in the bathroom?

I'll go see if he's all right.

Mort? Hello? Mort?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing in my room?

Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking-on-the-street paws.

I'm looking for Mort.

He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.

Uh-oh. What?

My time machine has been activated.

Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.

Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.

The pig goes, "Wenk."

The cow goes, "Sha-zooo."

It most certainly does not.

The rooster goes, "Gickery-gee."

Where? Where does the rooster say that?

The monkey goes, "Ma-cock."

No, no, no, no, it does not.

The elephant goes, "Fwaamp."

Yeah, kind of.

Stewie, do you think Mort might have accidentally stumbled

into the time machine?

Well, I suppose it's possible.

Let's ask Rick Moranis

and the backup singers from Little Shop of Horrors.

♪ Da-doo

I saw a red-headed guy come up here about an hour ago.

♪ Mort the Jew

He seemed to be in a rush and had a pained look on his face.

♪ Had to poo

♪ Sha-doop-a-doop-a-doo

And he stepped into that box there

and suddenly there was a big flash of light.

♪ That's when he went back in time ♪

Oh, my God, Stewie, we have to get him back.

When did the machine send him? I don't know.

How can you not know? It's a time machine.

Doesn't it have, like, a display that tells you the year or something?

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, is my time machine not as good as your time machine?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you've probably got a way better time machine. Yeah.

Stupid dog.

Well, then, can't you just press a couple buttons and bring him back?

No, he can't just come back. He needs the return pad.

Well, we can't just leave Mort back in time.

That'd be more irresponsible than silent movie porn.

All right, we'll go get him.

But remember, Brian, don't touch anything when we're in the past.

Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction

that drastically alters the present. Really?

No, you can do whatever you want. Come on.

Okay, if everything worked properly,

this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to.

Now, we've just gotta figure out where we are.

Or when we are.

That's such a douche time-traveler thing to say.

Sha-zooo.

Okay, we're somewhere in Europe. Look, Brian.

This trail of used tissues should lead us right to Mort.

Or to Quagmire.

He's gross.

Warsaw. Well, at least we know where we are.

And so we had him crucified.

But that doesn't leave this room.

Anyway, the point is,

may Chaim and Sarah have many wonderful years together. Amen.

Excuse me? We're looking for a Mr. Goldman.

Mr. Mort Goldman?

He's a small business owner. Tends to whine a lot.

Kind of a hypochondriac.

Oh, no, you can't put your hand back up after you've put it down.

You know what, never mind.

Stewie, look at this. September 1, 1939.

There's something about that date.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Mazel tov. Now, step on the glass.

Oh. But be careful, though.

At my wedding, I cut myself on the glass.

And when I got to Palm Beach for the honeymoon,

I had to put a Wonder Bread bag on my foot to keep the sand out.

Oh, Mort. Thank God.

Brian and Stewie? You're in Heaven, too?

Mort, this isn't Heaven. You've time-traveled into the past.

What? How is that possible?

Just... Just trust me. We're here to bring you back home.

But it's gotta be Heaven, Brian.

Look, there's my frugal Aunt Ruth,

my thrifty Uncle Isaac,

my bargain-hunting Aunt Flo, and my Great Aunt Vera,

who didn't like to spend a lot on anything.

Come on, Mort, we gotta get out of here.

But Brian, when am I gonna have another chance

to see my Grandpa Chaim's wedding with my own eyes?

Yes, you know, he's right, Brian.

Besides, I've never been to a Hebrew wedding.

Well, I guess we could stay a little longer.

Oh, wonderful!

I want to be hoisted up on the chair and see what it feels like to be top Jew.

Uh-oh.

I knew there was something about this date.

September 1, 1939. This is the German invasion of Poland.

It's also the exact day and year that Rene Russo was born.

Stewie, we gotta get out of here fast.

Quick, set up the return pad and let's get back to our own time.

Right.

What's wrong? Why are we still here? I don't know.

Stewie, it's not working.

Yeah, and you know what's not gonna fix it?

Your shouting.

Oh, God, should we ask somebody for help?

Yeah, right, how many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine?

Let's find out.

Well, we can't stay here.

We'll have to get Mort to England.

It's the only place he'll be safe from the Nazis.

Oh, they're awful, those Nazis.

If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful

and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples.

What?

Juden! Rubben wir Schmutzen auf deine Arschneck.

All right, there's the checkpoint.

If we can get past it, we're out of occupied Poland.

Right. Mort, you all set?

Oh, God, I hope this works.

Hello. We'd like to leave Poland now,

and we'll be bringing our friend

who is absolutely, 100% not Jewish.

Hey, how about that Jesus, huh?

What a guy.

Father, we're so glad you're here.

We need you to conduct last rites for our friend over there.

Well, I suppose.

Dear God,

non-Jewish God, be a mensch.

I mean, a good guy, 'cause it says in the Old Book...

Not so old, though. You know, still good. Still good.

Still some things, good things to say...

We, we pray in the name of you and of your son,

who died in a freak accident

that you can't really blame on anyone.

Take this man up to your retail-paying place.

Are you sure you're a real priest?

Yeah, yeah, I can vouch for him. He's real.

He's molested me many, many times.

Sorry I'm late. I was busy doing

innocent, non-molesty things.

Wait a minute. Two priests? That is impossible.

This collar comes right off.

He's a filthy Jew!

Oh, boy. You, you are... You should be glad

your human resources person was not around to hear that.

Run!

Hey, buddy, I need to borrow this.

Das poop!

I want to get back on the motorcycle.

I told you. It's out of gas.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I don't know, Mort.

I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place.

It's all a bunch of shit.

It's all a bunch of goddamn shit.

Okay, take it easy, man.

No, fuck you, Stewie.

I'm a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe.

Fuck you. Fuck the both of you!

I didn't say anything. Thanks, Brian.

This is a bunch of shit.

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up, all right. Just shut the fuck up!

I don't give a shit about you.

You know, we could just leave you here.

Yeah, right, just leave me here. That's great.

We're in occupied Europe,

and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish.

Oh, I noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Eat my ass, Brian.

Don't you mean your assneck?

Shut up. That's a real thing.

Oh. Nazis. That's refreshing.

All right, on three, we'll make for the closest U-boat.

Ach! Unsere Unterseeboot sind stehlen mit eine dog

und baby und Art Garfunkel!

Everybody hang on.

We're being pursued by two objects.

Looks like one's another U-boat.

The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

Fire!

H.

What? Hold on to something.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I swear to God, Mort,

I will stuff you in the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.

Brian, I've got an idea. It's a long shot, but it just might work.

See that newspaper? Yeah.

Stuff it in the waste tube.

Can you hand me the radio? Thanks.

Hi, this is car...

What number are we?

Five-five.

Car 55.

We're in a sub.

Oh, my God! It's England!

We've reached England! We're saved!

Really? Are you sure it's England?

Yes, I can see the white cliffs of Dover.

Boy, they weren't kidding. Those things are white.

So, we're gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer.

Load up the Country Squire and head up to New Hampshire.

By the way, thanks for the recommendation.

Great cheese shop.

Yeah. You know, our youngest

has been accepted to Northfield Mount Hermon.

Oh, gosh, is Lauren in high school already?

Yeah. You know, a funny thing happened to me

on the way to middle age.

My kids grew up.

Say, you know, when you take that vacation,

don't forget traveler's insurance.

A lot of people do, and a lot of people are sorry.

London in wartime. This is history right here, Brian.

And look, there's Winston Churchill!

Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit.

Oh, Winston, drunk again, I see.

Yeah, well, you're a cunt.

Wickedly funny.

S just whittled it down to the gems.

Why isn't the time machine working?

I'm working on it, Mort, all right?

Oh. Here's the problem.

What? What is it?

The transfer circuits are powered by uranium,

and this thing is tapped out.

Wait a minute. Are you saying we need to find some uranium?

I'm afraid so.

But where do we find uranium in World War II Europe?

There's only one place.

At the top-secret atomic research facility in Berlin.

Wait a minute. Germany's building weapons of mass destruction?

Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?

I don't know. Maybe because they don't have any oil.

Oh.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

I don't know! I don't want to do this!

Mort, Berlin is the closest place we're gonna find uranium in this time.

It's the only way to get home.

Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force,

you're the very best in the world.

However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one.

Four-and-a-half of every five of you will not return.

Half of Jensen there can tell you, it gets pretty sticky.

But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't!

So, let's get up there, be safe

and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.

Pardon me, sir. I'd like to join.

What are your qualifications?

I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual,

I never brush my teeth and my wife is ghastly.

Bombs away!

Talk to me, Goose. Please don't call me that.

You're my eyes, Goose. Keep an eye out for those Krauts.

Uh-oh! Germans dead ahead!

Oh, no, it's another wave of fighters! We're outnumbered!

Oh, no, we're not!

Stand by, my Hawkmen! Dive!

Oh, my God and baby Jesus, we're going down!

Quick, get the parachutes!

There are no parachutes! All I could find was this!

A raft?

We're not sinking. We're crashing!

Where are we?

I think we're in Germany.

Look, there's the Black Forest.

We gonna take the whole family on vacation this summer.

The 10 of us gonna load up the Impala and head on down to Hotlanta.

Hey, I heard that.

Hey, thanks for the tip on that check-cashing place.

I was in and out with one ID.

You know my boy is out on bail next week, right?

Man, it seems like yesterday he was in juvie.

Hey, say, man, when you on your trip,

skip that traveler's insurance.

That's a ripoff.

There it is, Berlin.

So, this is Berlin, huh? Doesn't seem so bad.

Dear God, this place is nightmarish.

It's here. The uranium lab is in here.

U get that thing? Up your ass.

What? What?

Hey, fellows. You want to get a free caricature?

Ja! I want to be a skateboarder!

That's weird.

All right, come on. Let's get inside that lab.

Hey, guys!

Hitler! Hitler!

How's it going, Mr. Hitler?

It's a dog-eat-dog Reich, and I'm wearing bacon pants.

So, how's the atomic bomb coming?

It's coming, it's coming. There are some problems.

We're having much better luck

developing this impressive collection of 100 Luftballons.

Oh, damn.

Well, I guess we'll just let you get back to work.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I don't suppose you boys have some uranium I could borrow?

Oh, of course. Give him some uranium, Mean Joe Greene.

Hey, kid, catch.

Thanks, Mean Joe!

He's not really mean at all.

No, he's a nice guy.

Okay, the time machine is refueled.

Let's find a safe spot and make the trip back home.

Arrest him! Arrest all three!

These filths are making a mockery of our Reich.

Execute them.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

♪ Wherever... ♪

Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?

We did it! We're home! Everything's fine!

Well, not quite. What do you mean?

Aren't you a little nervous that Mort knows all about this stuff?

Oh, I'm one step ahead of you, Brian.

You see, we've arrived 30 seconds before Mort came up to use the bathroom.

Only this time, things are gonna play out a bit differently.

Can I poop in here?

No! No!

Too late.