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1
00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:04,712
?
2
00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:07,899
[classical music plays]
3
00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:10,400
[announcer]
C-SPAN 5 now takes you to testimony
4
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:13,237
before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.
5
00:00:13,239 --> 00:00:15,663
[indistinct chatter]
6
00:00:17,922 --> 00:00:21,685
The Chair recognizes the woman
with the four-foot beehive.
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00:00:21,686 --> 00:00:24,112
Please state your name
and occupation.
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00:00:24,188 --> 00:00:26,447
Uh, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.
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00:00:26,524 --> 00:00:28,432
Mother to three children
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00:00:28,434 --> 00:00:29,933
and a husband.
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00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,936
She's raising us all on her own.
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00:00:33,014 --> 00:00:34,572
[Homer whimpering]
13
00:00:35,608 --> 00:00:37,478
Mrs. Simpson,
please walk us through
14
00:00:37,519 --> 00:00:39,852
the events of March 12.
15
00:00:39,854 --> 00:00:42,872
Well, it all started
with what was supposed to be
16
00:00:42,948 --> 00:00:44,632
a happy family trip.
17
00:00:44,709 --> 00:00:48,970
The Simpsons are going
to Pile Ridge, Louisiana.
18
00:00:49,047 --> 00:00:51,714
Oh, the trip is already ruined.
19
00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:53,474
What is this gunk?
20
00:00:53,551 --> 00:00:56,144
Oh, that's my lentil soup.
21
00:00:56,295 --> 00:00:57,812
Lisa!
22
00:00:57,814 --> 00:00:59,872
Well, what else
am I supposed to eat
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00:00:59,874 --> 00:01:03,376
at your family's
barbaric pig butchery?
24
00:01:03,378 --> 00:01:05,486
It's boucherie.
25
00:01:05,488 --> 00:01:07,880
It's a cherished
Bouvier tradition
26
00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:10,140
that reunites
our extended family
27
00:01:10,218 --> 00:01:13,143
and celebrates our Cajun roots.
28
00:01:13,144 --> 00:01:14,571
And they shoot the pig
in the head,
29
00:01:14,572 --> 00:01:17,223
John Wick-style. Look.
30
00:01:17,225 --> 00:01:19,116
Stop, it's horrifying.
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Mmm. Delicious.
32
00:01:22,063 --> 00:01:23,212
[laughs]
33
00:01:23,322 --> 00:01:25,506
[Homer shrieks]
Horrifying!
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00:01:25,583 --> 00:01:27,750
Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,
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00:01:27,827 --> 00:01:31,829
you were enticed by the thought
of enjoying savory meats,
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00:01:31,848 --> 00:01:35,575
but repulsed by the appearance
of your wife's family.
37
00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:38,077
Yes, Senator,
I cannot perjure myself.
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00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:40,188
They are barf in human form.
39
00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:41,522
I reclaim my time.
40
00:01:41,524 --> 00:01:44,350
Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.
41
00:01:45,753 --> 00:01:49,922
Oh! All the seats are taken by
jerks and their bags.
42
00:01:49,924 --> 00:01:52,124
Maybe we can sit in there.
43
00:01:52,126 --> 00:01:53,451
That looks comfy.
44
00:01:55,187 --> 00:01:57,187
Squirt em' if you got em'.
45
00:01:57,189 --> 00:01:59,115
Oh! [growls]
46
00:01:59,191 --> 00:02:01,859
Your hoops are quivering.
Calm down.
47
00:02:01,861 --> 00:02:05,028
Now boarding:
Active-duty TV clowns.
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00:02:05,029 --> 00:02:06,623
-[tires screech]
-[Homer yelps]
49
00:02:06,624 --> 00:02:07,608
[sniffing]
50
00:02:07,609 --> 00:02:10,033
Some sober companion you are.
51
00:02:10,034 --> 00:02:11,703
I'm only
three hours out of rehab
52
00:02:11,704 --> 00:02:13,554
and I can smell
the booze on you.
53
00:02:13,556 --> 00:02:15,706
You mean my hand sanitizer?
54
00:02:15,783 --> 00:02:17,850
Ooh, Daddy want!
55
00:02:19,712 --> 00:02:21,470
Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.
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00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:23,123
Your seats are
no longer together.
57
00:02:23,124 --> 00:02:24,290
This is bull!
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00:02:24,292 --> 00:02:26,792
I demand to speak
to Sully Sullenberger!
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00:02:26,794 --> 00:02:28,236
Homer, stop it.
60
00:02:28,312 --> 00:02:31,297
You always do this.
You'll get us banned.
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00:02:31,299 --> 00:02:33,891
So? We'll take
our business elsewh-
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00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:35,134
[muffled shouting]
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00:02:35,136 --> 00:02:37,227
There is no elsewhere.
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00:02:37,305 --> 00:02:39,138
Because of your past behavior,
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00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:40,748
you're on the No Fly List
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00:02:40,825 --> 00:02:43,809
of every other airline
in the country.
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00:02:43,811 --> 00:02:45,128
Even Spirit.
68
00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:46,921
Try it again.
69
00:02:46,998 --> 00:02:48,965
[engine cranking]
70
00:02:50,485 --> 00:02:53,836
So, unless you want
all our future vacations
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00:02:53,988 --> 00:02:57,173
to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,
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00:02:57,325 --> 00:03:00,676
you will hold it together
on this flight.
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00:03:00,678 --> 00:03:03,086
I promise, Marge.
I won't let you down.
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00:03:03,106 --> 00:03:04,664
I do have some good news.
75
00:03:04,682 --> 00:03:07,516
We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.
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00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:10,352
Ooh, I bet I'd really
keep my promise to behave
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00:03:10,429 --> 00:03:13,189
if I'm in
that spacious lie-flat pod.
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00:03:13,191 --> 00:03:14,857
Well, you'll never know.
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00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,367
Yoink.
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00:03:19,864 --> 00:03:22,940
Uh-uh, sweetie,
first class is this way.
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00:03:23,017 --> 00:03:24,067
Welcome.
82
00:03:24,068 --> 00:03:25,185
Oh, my God.
83
00:03:25,186 --> 00:03:26,535
I'm turning left.
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00:03:26,612 --> 00:03:29,038
I didn't know planes had a left.
85
00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:30,174
[gasps]
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00:03:30,175 --> 00:03:31,799
Ah. Ooh.
87
00:03:31,801 --> 00:03:32,967
[laughs]
88
00:03:32,969 --> 00:03:34,376
?
89
00:03:34,453 --> 00:03:35,761
[Marge]
Oh...
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00:03:38,141 --> 00:03:40,883
Oh, the seat
is so plush and comfy.
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00:03:40,885 --> 00:03:42,292
May I get you anything?
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00:03:42,370 --> 00:03:43,978
I want everything.
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00:03:44,055 --> 00:03:46,463
The whole
first class experience.
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00:03:46,541 --> 00:03:50,133
Cold bubbly,
warm nuts, hot towel...
95
00:03:50,211 --> 00:03:52,394
all the temperatures!
96
00:03:52,396 --> 00:03:55,715
Let's start you out with
a complimentary Moet mimosa
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00:03:55,717 --> 00:03:57,717
with extra zest and a little-
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00:03:57,719 --> 00:03:58,826
Oh.
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00:03:58,903 --> 00:04:00,402
[moans happily]
100
00:04:00,479 --> 00:04:01,996
[snoring lightly]
101
00:04:04,984 --> 00:04:06,726
Okay, Homer, you can do this.
102
00:04:06,728 --> 00:04:09,395
Have a pleasant flight
for Marge.
103
00:04:09,396 --> 00:04:10,488
[overlapping shouts]
104
00:04:10,489 --> 00:04:11,897
-Ow, my head!
-Watch it!
105
00:04:11,899 --> 00:04:13,007
Ow!
106
00:04:13,008 --> 00:04:14,325
[Homer]
God, don't let this slob
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00:04:14,326 --> 00:04:15,659
be next to me.
108
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:17,161
[Comic Book Guy]
God, don't let this slob
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00:04:17,162 --> 00:04:18,587
be next to me.
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00:04:18,664 --> 00:04:19,922
[both groan]
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00:04:19,924 --> 00:04:21,164
Good morning, everyone.
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00:04:21,242 --> 00:04:22,292
My name is Joel,
113
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:25,261
and I'll be
your "wingman" today.
114
00:04:25,337 --> 00:04:26,746
[passengers chuckling]
115
00:04:26,748 --> 00:04:28,189
[chuckles] Thank you.
116
00:04:28,191 --> 00:04:31,359
Just a reminder: Federal law
prohibits smoking of any kind,
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00:04:31,435 --> 00:04:34,344
unless, like me,
you're smokin' hot.
118
00:04:34,364 --> 00:04:35,804
[imitates sizzling]
119
00:04:35,882 --> 00:04:37,256
[chuckling]
120
00:04:37,275 --> 00:04:39,033
Oh, great.
121
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:41,369
Forced comedy
at 9:00 in the morning.
122
00:04:41,445 --> 00:04:42,537
[video game beeping]
123
00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:45,039
Now, Maggie,
screens turn brains to mush.
124
00:04:45,190 --> 00:04:47,542
That's why Bart has to
take ESL classes.
125
00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:50,211
I'll parent you
how I wanted to be parented,
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00:04:50,288 --> 00:04:53,122
and sibling you
how I wanted to be sibbled,
127
00:04:53,198 --> 00:04:57,200
with my Jazz Legends
A-to-Z flashcards.
128
00:04:57,278 --> 00:04:59,036
Cannonball Adderley.
129
00:04:59,113 --> 00:05:01,889
He was more
hard bop then bebop.
130
00:05:01,891 --> 00:05:03,465
Okay, movie fans, it's time for
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00:05:03,618 --> 00:05:05,951
everybody's favorite
in-flight flick,
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00:05:05,953 --> 00:05:07,377
the safety demo.
133
00:05:07,455 --> 00:05:09,897
Remember this come Oscar time.
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00:05:09,899 --> 00:05:11,048
[chuckles]
135
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,216
[passengers chuckling weakly]
136
00:05:12,217 --> 00:05:14,293
[groans] Good thing I've got
137
00:05:14,295 --> 00:05:17,463
my annoyance-canceling
headphones.
138
00:05:17,465 --> 00:05:20,557
Ooh, we are really
packed in here, aren't we?
139
00:05:20,635 --> 00:05:23,652
Something is very wrong
with this plane.
140
00:05:23,653 --> 00:05:25,472
-This is a trap!
-[passengers chattering]
141
00:05:25,473 --> 00:05:27,157
It's a conspiracy
to take us down!
142
00:05:27,158 --> 00:05:28,642
-[woman] Get out of here!
-Oh. Oh!
143
00:05:28,643 --> 00:05:30,159
They're experimenting on us!
144
00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,661
I won't be a rat
in your flying cage!
145
00:05:32,738 --> 00:05:36,315
Ah, a seat for my second cheek.
146
00:05:36,317 --> 00:05:37,650
Yo, travel trolls.
147
00:05:37,651 --> 00:05:39,669
A crazy lady just
got kicked off the plane
148
00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:42,579
so I jump-squatted
a sweet aisle seat.
149
00:05:42,581 --> 00:05:45,600
Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.
150
00:05:45,676 --> 00:05:47,584
D'oh.
151
00:05:47,585 --> 00:05:49,329
[Auto-Tuned voice]
? D'oh, d'oh ?
152
00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:51,254
? D-d-d-d-d-d'oh ?
153
00:05:51,332 --> 00:05:53,566
? D-d-d-d-d-d'oh. ?
154
00:05:55,503 --> 00:05:56,893
[Homer]
Toenail clipper?
155
00:05:57,930 --> 00:05:58,988
Sardine eater?
156
00:06:00,024 --> 00:06:02,341
Disgusto-flossers?
157
00:06:02,343 --> 00:06:03,843
-Hiya!
-[grunts]
158
00:06:03,845 --> 00:06:05,769
Karate children?
159
00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:09,348
Marge, I'm trying
to hold it together,
160
00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:11,700
just like I promised.
161
00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:12,777
[buzzes]
162
00:06:12,778 --> 00:06:15,463
[sighs]
163
00:06:17,024 --> 00:06:19,525
But it seems like
this plane is filled with
164
00:06:19,527 --> 00:06:22,803
all the worst flyers
in the world.
165
00:06:22,804 --> 00:06:24,455
Well, his text was correct,
senator.
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00:06:24,456 --> 00:06:27,308
Our airline serves
the fastest-growing demographic
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00:06:27,385 --> 00:06:30,202
in air travel:
the criminally obnoxious.
168
00:06:30,204 --> 00:06:31,479
At Convenience Airways,
169
00:06:31,555 --> 00:06:34,740
we fly the No Fly List.
170
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,609
?
171
00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:45,385
Mr. Wingspan-
if that is your funny name-
172
00:06:45,386 --> 00:06:46,886
you mean to tell us
173
00:06:46,888 --> 00:06:50,389
that you filled an entire plane
with obnoxious people
174
00:06:50,390 --> 00:06:52,316
who were banned
from other airlines?
175
00:06:52,317 --> 00:06:56,061
Yes. Our business model
is to cater to C.I.F.s:
176
00:06:56,063 --> 00:06:58,488
"Civility Impaired Fliers."
177
00:06:58,566 --> 00:07:00,490
-Hiya!
-Control your team!
178
00:07:00,492 --> 00:07:03,678
Violence is a form of control.
179
00:07:03,829 --> 00:07:06,222
[karate children]
Yes, Sensei. Hiya!
180
00:07:07,183 --> 00:07:09,074
This was our inaugural flight,
181
00:07:09,076 --> 00:07:11,911
testing if the innovative
precautions we had taken
182
00:07:11,913 --> 00:07:17,099
were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.
183
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,101
Like this man.
184
00:07:18,102 --> 00:07:19,919
[Homer] Aw, come on.
185
00:07:19,921 --> 00:07:23,013
You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender
186
00:07:23,014 --> 00:07:24,424
and you're labeled for life.
187
00:07:24,425 --> 00:07:25,941
But on this flight,
188
00:07:26,018 --> 00:07:28,110
I promised Marge I would behave,
189
00:07:28,187 --> 00:07:29,870
and I really tried.
190
00:07:29,947 --> 00:07:31,354
It was torture.
191
00:07:31,356 --> 00:07:32,707
[Homer]
Torture!
192
00:07:32,783 --> 00:07:33,949
[screams]
193
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:36,877
Who would do such a thing
to Patrick Wilson?
194
00:07:37,029 --> 00:07:39,255
Eyes on your own screen.
195
00:07:39,742 --> 00:07:41,699
Ugh.
196
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,533
And, no, you may not have any of
197
00:07:43,611 --> 00:07:45,945
my triad of expired
Christmas delights.
198
00:07:45,947 --> 00:07:47,388
Mmm, cheese.
199
00:07:47,465 --> 00:07:49,724
Mmm, butter, caramel...
200
00:07:50,926 --> 00:07:53,894
Mmm. [grunting]
201
00:07:53,896 --> 00:07:56,213
And now,
the shower of champions.
202
00:07:56,290 --> 00:07:57,606
Huzzah.
203
00:07:58,717 --> 00:07:59,984
[shudders]
204
00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:03,312
[coughing]
Come on.
205
00:08:03,388 --> 00:08:04,739
Uh, excuse me.
206
00:08:04,741 --> 00:08:07,483
I promised my wife
I wouldn't fight or yell
207
00:08:07,484 --> 00:08:09,636
or pee anywhere
other than the bathroom,
208
00:08:09,637 --> 00:08:13,563
but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.
209
00:08:13,583 --> 00:08:14,990
What guy?
210
00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:16,976
The Comic Book Guy guy.
211
00:08:16,978 --> 00:08:18,994
Huh? He just disappeared.
212
00:08:18,996 --> 00:08:22,815
Well, it looks like the problem
took care of itself.
213
00:08:22,817 --> 00:08:24,817
That is so weird.
214
00:08:24,819 --> 00:08:27,486
Hey, guys,
you asked for it, I'm doing it.
215
00:08:27,488 --> 00:08:31,006
The bathroom sink
shrimp scampi challenge.
216
00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:32,508
Oh.
217
00:08:32,510 --> 00:08:35,978
Marge, I'm barely holding it
together back here.
218
00:08:36,013 --> 00:08:40,182
Please text me back
some sweet words of comfort.
219
00:08:40,259 --> 00:08:41,484
[buzzes]
220
00:08:44,355 --> 00:08:46,113
[both snoring]
221
00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:48,365
Hey, hey...
222
00:08:49,452 --> 00:08:52,303
-Huzzah...
-Hey, hey...
223
00:08:52,379 --> 00:08:54,246
Zounds...
224
00:08:58,702 --> 00:09:00,035
Oh...
225
00:09:00,187 --> 00:09:02,204
needs tonic.
226
00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:04,131
[slurping]
227
00:09:04,208 --> 00:09:05,874
[video game noises]
228
00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:06,951
[laughs]
229
00:09:06,952 --> 00:09:08,719
Die, die, die!
230
00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:11,955
No, don't die!
231
00:09:11,957 --> 00:09:13,456
They're all dead.
232
00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:15,601
Oh, I need to play something.
233
00:09:16,887 --> 00:09:18,461
-[grunting]
-[beeping]
234
00:09:18,539 --> 00:09:20,297
I'm winning. I'm winning.
235
00:09:20,374 --> 00:09:21,816
Just a reminder, folks,
236
00:09:21,892 --> 00:09:24,726
the call button
is only for real emergencies,
237
00:09:24,803 --> 00:09:27,896
like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.
238
00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:29,990
[passengers chuckling]
239
00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:32,734
Uh, I have a real emergency.
240
00:09:32,811 --> 00:09:34,219
Your jokes suck.
241
00:09:34,221 --> 00:09:35,996
[passengers laughing]
242
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:38,999
"S" is for Sun Ra.
243
00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:40,317
He's a little abstract,
244
00:09:40,394 --> 00:09:43,579
but when you get it,
you'll really get it.
245
00:09:43,655 --> 00:09:45,397
Dig this.
246
00:09:45,399 --> 00:09:47,508
[experimental jazz plays]
247
00:09:49,086 --> 00:09:51,253
[crying]
248
00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:53,755
Somebody shut that brat up!
249
00:09:53,874 --> 00:09:55,015
Oh, that's my brat.
250
00:09:55,092 --> 00:09:56,241
Stop judging her!
251
00:09:56,243 --> 00:09:57,593
I don't know what to do.
252
00:09:57,745 --> 00:10:00,837
I've been turning the jazz up
as loud as I can,
253
00:10:00,857 --> 00:10:02,690
but it's not soothing her.
254
00:10:02,766 --> 00:10:05,008
Is this an airline or a nursery?
255
00:10:05,086 --> 00:10:06,935
Mustn't punch the jerk.
256
00:10:06,937 --> 00:10:08,178
Mustn't punch
the jerk.
257
00:10:08,255 --> 00:10:11,014
It's so loud,
I can barely hear myself
258
00:10:11,092 --> 00:10:13,183
feel up my mistress
under this blanket.
259
00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:15,035
Okay, gang,
we're about to start
260
00:10:15,112 --> 00:10:17,262
our beverage and snack service.
261
00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:18,614
If you feel like a pretzel,
262
00:10:18,615 --> 00:10:20,283
that means
the guy in front of you
263
00:10:20,284 --> 00:10:23,043
has his seat all the way back.
264
00:10:23,045 --> 00:10:24,770
[passengers chuckling]
265
00:10:24,772 --> 00:10:26,955
Just because
it sounds like a joke
266
00:10:27,032 --> 00:10:28,290
doesn't mean it is one.
267
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:31,126
[passengers laughing]
268
00:10:31,203 --> 00:10:32,702
Come back in ten years, kid.
269
00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:35,797
I got voicemails
older than you. Ha!
270
00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:37,207
[passengers chuckle]
271
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:41,620
And now it's time
for your headliner. Me!
272
00:10:41,622 --> 00:10:43,564
This guy's jokes suck so hard,
273
00:10:43,566 --> 00:10:45,474
we're about to lose
cabin pressure.
274
00:10:45,476 --> 00:10:46,942
[passengers laughing]
275
00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,479
Okay, okay.
People, don't encourage him!
276
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,149
...is what Joel's guidance
counselor told his parents.
277
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:55,326
[laughter]
278
00:10:56,153 --> 00:10:57,453
Give me that.
279
00:10:57,454 --> 00:11:00,473
[Bart mimicking]
This is your
280
00:11:00,474 --> 00:11:02,475
unfunny flight attendant Joel
speaking.
281
00:11:02,476 --> 00:11:05,160
Here are some more
of my terrible jokes.
282
00:11:05,237 --> 00:11:07,379
-[blows raspberry]
-[mimics farting]
283
00:11:11,318 --> 00:11:12,742
[motorboats]
284
00:11:12,744 --> 00:11:15,334
-[fart sounds continue]
-[passengers laughing]
285
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:20,325
Left forward lavatory.
286
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:22,011
-[hollow crash]
-[Bart] Ay, caramba!
287
00:11:22,012 --> 00:11:25,681
-[crying]
-Okay, so Daddy doesn't get into a fistfight,
288
00:11:25,757 --> 00:11:28,183
we're going to take
a little walk.
289
00:11:28,185 --> 00:11:29,426
[crying]
290
00:11:29,428 --> 00:11:31,946
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.
291
00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:35,674
Improvisations in the style
of pre-heroin Coltrane.
292
00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:37,676
[playing]
293
00:11:37,678 --> 00:11:39,995
[wailing]
294
00:11:42,959 --> 00:11:45,033
[wails]
295
00:11:45,186 --> 00:11:47,294
Mama!
296
00:11:47,296 --> 00:11:49,855
No, no, we can't bother Mommy...
297
00:11:49,857 --> 00:11:52,449
[singsongy]
...or she'll leave us all for good.
298
00:11:52,451 --> 00:11:53,550
[Maggie grunts]
299
00:11:55,454 --> 00:11:57,954
Hey, champ, I lost $50,000
300
00:11:58,032 --> 00:12:01,141
on your pay-per-view fight
against Vanilla Ice.
301
00:12:01,218 --> 00:12:02,625
You owe me!
302
00:12:02,703 --> 00:12:07,539
Come on, champ,
I'm talking to you, champ.
303
00:12:07,541 --> 00:12:09,391
Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin.
304
00:12:09,393 --> 00:12:11,485
[slurping loudly]
305
00:12:14,824 --> 00:12:17,807
[groans]
Nobody licks me but my tiger.
306
00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:19,309
[crying]
307
00:12:19,386 --> 00:12:22,329
That baby's
a lap-sitting freeloader.
308
00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:25,574
I am sorry you have
to put up with that guy.
309
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:27,409
We're all just doing our best.
310
00:12:27,486 --> 00:12:31,580
Yeah. Parents don't get to go
into airplane mode, do we?
311
00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:34,657
Thank God. Two sensible people.
312
00:12:34,735 --> 00:12:36,235
[alarm beeps]
313
00:12:36,237 --> 00:12:38,737
Wylder, it's time.
314
00:12:38,756 --> 00:12:40,922
-[toilet] ? Let's all sing ?
-Yeesh.
315
00:12:40,999 --> 00:12:42,074
? The potty song ?
316
00:12:42,076 --> 00:12:43,425
Oh, no... No, no, no.
317
00:12:43,577 --> 00:12:46,687
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.
318
00:12:46,688 --> 00:12:47,930
[playful music playing]
319
00:12:47,931 --> 00:12:50,357
? When it's time
to make a poo-poo ?
320
00:12:50,359 --> 00:12:52,842
? Give a shout, whoo-hoo. ?
321
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,653
Whoo-hoo!
322
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:57,514
No hoo!
323
00:12:57,591 --> 00:12:59,533
Um, do you guys have
any diapers?
324
00:12:59,684 --> 00:13:01,777
Uh, we don't use the "D" word.
325
00:13:01,853 --> 00:13:03,095
Oh, boy.
326
00:13:03,097 --> 00:13:05,764
-Deal with your biohazard!
-Change that baby!
327
00:13:05,765 --> 00:13:07,450
-What's wrong with you?
-Oh, come on!
328
00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,377
That's not a baby,
that's a hate crime.
329
00:13:09,378 --> 00:13:11,603
Lisa, where's the diaper bag?
330
00:13:11,622 --> 00:13:12,771
I don't have it.
331
00:13:12,773 --> 00:13:15,549
Why don't you ask
your girlfriend, Maggie?
332
00:13:15,551 --> 00:13:18,034
Maggie's not my girlfriend,
Marge is.
333
00:13:18,112 --> 00:13:19,202
[gasps] That's it.
334
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,346
Marge has it.
335
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:25,225
-[grunting]
-[groaning]
336
00:13:26,136 --> 00:13:27,728
[Homer]
There's the bag.
337
00:13:27,805 --> 00:13:29,805
Maggie, crawl through
the clown fight.
338
00:13:29,881 --> 00:13:31,815
[grunting continues]
339
00:13:33,903 --> 00:13:35,794
Don't kill him, champ.
340
00:13:35,796 --> 00:13:37,796
My pension is almost vested.
341
00:13:37,797 --> 00:13:38,798
[Krusty groans]
342
00:13:38,799 --> 00:13:39,849
[grunting]
343
00:13:39,891 --> 00:13:41,867
?
344
00:13:44,396 --> 00:13:47,414
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.
345
00:13:49,810 --> 00:13:51,710
?
346
00:14:00,154 --> 00:14:01,595
We made it.
347
00:14:02,431 --> 00:14:04,348
[shrieks] Toilet Chef.
348
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:07,008
[grunting]
349
00:14:07,085 --> 00:14:08,685
[shrieks] In-laws!
350
00:14:09,754 --> 00:14:12,773
Care to join
our Mile-High Book Club?
351
00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:14,608
[shrieks] Readers!
352
00:14:17,671 --> 00:14:19,020
SunChips. Give me, give me.
353
00:14:19,022 --> 00:14:20,263
[indistinct shouting]
354
00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:21,782
[overlapping arguments]
355
00:14:26,013 --> 00:14:27,621
[both exhale loudly]
356
00:14:29,107 --> 00:14:31,583
What the...?
357
00:14:34,204 --> 00:14:35,796
Where is everybody?
358
00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:38,690
Please calmly return
to your seat, sir.
359
00:14:38,691 --> 00:14:41,118
What did you do with all
the horrible people I hate?
360
00:14:41,119 --> 00:14:42,302
Tell me what's going on.
361
00:14:42,454 --> 00:14:44,120
Or I'll seatbelt you good.
362
00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,549
And why don't they make
the whole plane out of the...
363
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:49,368
-black box material...?
-[thuds]
364
00:14:49,369 --> 00:14:50,870
[pilot]
This is your captain speaking.
365
00:14:50,871 --> 00:14:53,071
If you look to your left,
you will see
366
00:14:53,073 --> 00:14:54,815
the magnificent Grand Canyon.
367
00:14:54,892 --> 00:14:59,878
Unless you're one of the 246
unruly souls who've been
368
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:04,158
trap-doored into our
complimentary in-flight prison.
369
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:05,701
[moans sadly]
370
00:15:11,149 --> 00:15:12,916
[saxophone playing]
371
00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:18,897
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
Since when?
372
00:15:18,899 --> 00:15:22,234
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?
373
00:15:22,236 --> 00:15:23,677
BurnsCo.
374
00:15:23,754 --> 00:15:27,255
Proudly installing trapdoor
dungeon drops since 1926.
375
00:15:27,256 --> 00:15:29,091
Is there anything
more satisfying
376
00:15:29,092 --> 00:15:32,244
than a scream of terror
followed by a distant thud?
377
00:15:32,246 --> 00:15:34,188
Mr. Wingspan, this is America.
378
00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:36,420
When we violate
people's civil liberties,
379
00:15:36,433 --> 00:15:39,434
we usually give them a heads-up,
drop pamphlets,
380
00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:41,844
send a cruise missile,
uh, something.
381
00:15:41,922 --> 00:15:45,590
Senator, I assure you,
we did warn the passengers
382
00:15:45,592 --> 00:15:48,535
of the potential consequences
of their actions.
383
00:15:48,687 --> 00:15:51,038
It's all in the safety video.
384
00:15:51,114 --> 00:15:53,189
But nobody watches those things.
385
00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:55,334
[murmured agreements]
386
00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:57,769
[alert chimes]
387
00:15:57,770 --> 00:15:59,697
[announcer]
Should you choose to be unruly,
388
00:15:59,698 --> 00:16:03,383
you'll be trap-doored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.
389
00:16:03,385 --> 00:16:05,868
If your behavior is too extreme,
390
00:16:05,946 --> 00:16:08,222
a ball gag will fall
from the ceiling.
391
00:16:08,298 --> 00:16:10,373
Please affix your own
ball gag first
392
00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:13,227
before ball-gagging your child.
393
00:16:13,303 --> 00:16:15,044
See? I was right.
394
00:16:15,122 --> 00:16:17,714
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.
395
00:16:17,791 --> 00:16:21,126
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?
396
00:16:21,144 --> 00:16:22,961
My tone is fine!
397
00:16:22,963 --> 00:16:24,363
[gagging]
398
00:16:25,557 --> 00:16:27,983
And that concludes
your beverage service.
399
00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:29,968
[passengers chuckling]
400
00:16:29,987 --> 00:16:31,894
[muffled]
He's pretty funny.
401
00:16:31,896 --> 00:16:33,972
No, he's not, he sucks.
402
00:16:33,991 --> 00:16:35,365
[Joel]
Take that!
403
00:16:35,476 --> 00:16:37,417
-[laughs, whoops]
-[coughs]
404
00:16:37,419 --> 00:16:39,144
They can't do this to us!
405
00:16:39,146 --> 00:16:42,422
Buying a ticket gives us
the right to do what we want.
406
00:16:42,574 --> 00:16:44,907
There's no law in the sky.
407
00:16:44,985 --> 00:16:46,835
I say we bust out.
408
00:16:46,911 --> 00:16:48,169
Who's with me?
409
00:16:48,171 --> 00:16:50,338
[excited agreements]
410
00:16:50,491 --> 00:16:53,082
We'll need
every available weapon.
411
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,936
I got toenail clippers.
And some pretty sharp toenails.
412
00:16:56,013 --> 00:16:59,731
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.
413
00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:03,001
[Homer]
My darling Marge.
414
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,854
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.
415
00:17:05,856 --> 00:17:08,282
If I die in this heroic
escape attempt,
416
00:17:08,283 --> 00:17:10,009
remember me
as a blameless victim.
417
00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:13,603
One who got caught up
in the coach-to-prison pipeline.
418
00:17:13,605 --> 00:17:16,014
BTW, lost Maggie,
hope she's with you.
419
00:17:16,016 --> 00:17:18,441
-Lots going on. Shrug emoji.
-[chicken clucks]
420
00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:20,585
[snoring lightly]
421
00:17:23,690 --> 00:17:25,632
[cooing]
422
00:17:26,635 --> 00:17:28,635
[babbling]
423
00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:31,788
Marge is writing me back.
424
00:17:31,865 --> 00:17:33,956
Stop? Stop what?
425
00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:36,476
Wine, wine, wine?
426
00:17:36,553 --> 00:17:38,720
Do you want me to stop whining?
427
00:17:38,797 --> 00:17:40,722
[giggles]
428
00:17:40,799 --> 00:17:42,724
[Homer]
Bee. Man.
429
00:17:42,726 --> 00:17:44,376
Be a man?
430
00:17:44,378 --> 00:17:46,211
X. Lobster.
431
00:17:46,213 --> 00:17:48,380
Don't be shellfish?
432
00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:51,974
Oh, my God, I am always
thinking of my shelf.
433
00:17:51,976 --> 00:17:54,143
[all chanting]
Window seat.
434
00:17:54,221 --> 00:17:57,556
Window seat. Window seat.
435
00:17:57,558 --> 00:17:59,816
No! This revolt is wrong.
436
00:17:59,893 --> 00:18:02,151
I know this because my wife
just spoke to me
437
00:18:02,229 --> 00:18:05,321
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.
438
00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:08,416
Let us not be pigs. Or mules.
439
00:18:08,493 --> 00:18:10,660
Or a mermaid with a fax machine.
440
00:18:10,737 --> 00:18:12,847
Sure, we have to put up
with baggage fees,
441
00:18:12,906 --> 00:18:17,742
no leg room, and those
$20 "protein boxes."
442
00:18:17,744 --> 00:18:20,745
But flying is a modern miracle,
443
00:18:20,747 --> 00:18:24,173
and all that's
asked of us in return
444
00:18:24,251 --> 00:18:28,086
is basic human decency.
445
00:18:28,088 --> 00:18:29,938
[quiet murmuring]
446
00:18:30,014 --> 00:18:33,200
Mm, I could be more patient
with kids and babies.
447
00:18:33,276 --> 00:18:35,944
After all,
I am a preschool teacher.
448
00:18:35,946 --> 00:18:39,280
I'm sorry I savagely beat your
husband with your hair bone.
449
00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:42,191
[stammers]
He's not my...
450
00:18:42,211 --> 00:18:44,193
Oh, forget it.
451
00:18:44,271 --> 00:18:46,028
So to quote my wife,
452
00:18:46,106 --> 00:18:48,548
we have to start
acting civilized
453
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:52,627
and stop being
a bunch of huge...
454
00:18:52,704 --> 00:18:54,429
eggplants.
455
00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:57,800
[pilot]
Well, folks, now that you've exhibited
456
00:18:57,801 --> 00:18:59,393
a modicum of civility,
457
00:18:59,394 --> 00:19:01,303
the handcuff sign has been
turned off.
458
00:19:01,304 --> 00:19:03,713
You are now free to return
to your seats
459
00:19:03,714 --> 00:19:05,458
and work through
the childhood trauma
460
00:19:05,459 --> 00:19:07,293
that led you to behave
like the ugliest
461
00:19:07,294 --> 00:19:09,569
of ugly Americans today.
462
00:19:09,571 --> 00:19:12,614
?
463
00:19:17,246 --> 00:19:18,728
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.
464
00:19:18,729 --> 00:19:20,640
We'll be landing soon,
so we need you
465
00:19:20,641 --> 00:19:22,825
to return your seat
to its upright position.
466
00:19:22,826 --> 00:19:25,735
[groans softly]
What? We're landing?
467
00:19:25,812 --> 00:19:29,423
I slept through
my first first class?
468
00:19:29,499 --> 00:19:33,168
Yes, but you got the most
perfect flying experience
469
00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:34,836
anyone could ever ask for.
470
00:19:34,838 --> 00:19:38,080
You didn't even know
you were on a plane.
471
00:19:38,082 --> 00:19:39,507
Aw.
472
00:19:39,584 --> 00:19:44,754
And then she gave me the best
cookie of my entire life.
473
00:19:44,831 --> 00:19:47,089
Aw, cookie.
474
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:50,760
After listening to the 14 hours
of testimony today,
475
00:19:50,779 --> 00:19:53,429
I propose
that Convenience Airways'
476
00:19:53,507 --> 00:19:57,025
radical passenger control system
be approved for use
477
00:19:57,101 --> 00:19:59,527
across the entire
airline industry.
478
00:19:59,604 --> 00:20:00,937
-Hear! Hear!
-Yes.
479
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:02,014
I agree.
480
00:20:02,015 --> 00:20:03,516
Well, I say, trap-door them all
481
00:20:03,517 --> 00:20:05,850
and let the FAA sort it out.
482
00:20:05,852 --> 00:20:07,018
Excellent.
483
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:08,962
-So ordered.
-Wait.
484
00:20:09,113 --> 00:20:12,373
As the one person who was
not trap-doored on this flight,
485
00:20:12,492 --> 00:20:14,801
I believe I have
the authority to say
486
00:20:14,803 --> 00:20:19,547
that mass in-flight
incarceration is not the answer.
487
00:20:19,624 --> 00:20:21,791
We need thoughtful solutions
488
00:20:21,793 --> 00:20:25,127
to this epidemic of rudeness
and disrespect.
489
00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:26,813
Sure, it's easy to push a button
490
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:29,632
and drop all your problems
down a trap...
491
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,985
door...!
492
00:20:32,062 --> 00:20:33,895
-[thuds]
-Ow!
493
00:20:33,972 --> 00:20:36,490
Honey, are you hurt?
494
00:20:36,566 --> 00:20:39,642
[Marge echoing]
I'm okay. I landed on my hair.
495
00:20:39,643 --> 00:20:42,388
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
496
00:20:42,389 --> 00:20:44,223
and
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
497
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:45,908
and TOYOTA.
498
00:20:45,909 --> 00:20:50,419
Captioned by Media
Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
499
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:55,492
[announcer] In our Convenience
Airways in-flight prison,
500
00:20:55,493 --> 00:20:57,570
cigarettes are not accepted
as currency.
501
00:20:57,571 --> 00:21:00,830
Preferred method of payment
is sexual favors.
502
00:21:00,831 --> 00:21:01,849
Please do not fashion
503
00:21:01,850 --> 00:21:03,500
the courtesy toothbrush
into a shiv.
504
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:07,579
Complimentary shivs are
provided upon request.
505
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:09,690
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
506
00:21:09,691 --> 00:21:12,859
your cellmate may be used
as a floatation device.
507
00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:14,937
Should you tamper
with your handcuffs,
508
00:21:14,938 --> 00:21:17,179
you will be ejected
from the plane.
509
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:19,850
Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.
510
00:21:19,851 --> 00:21:22,610
We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,
511
00:21:22,687 --> 00:21:25,688
but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.
512
00:21:25,766 --> 00:21:29,501
And don't forget to sign up
for our Frequent Felon Program.
513
00:21:32,606 --> 00:21:34,548
Shh!
514
00:21:34,598 --> 00:21:39,148
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