All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation - S02E03 - Beauty Pageant.eng

Good morning, everyone.
A couple of announcements.

As we all know, Ron is
recovering from his hernia surgery.

So I got him flowers
from all of us.

So everybody needs to
pitch in, like, $90.

APRIL: $90?

Yes, because I ordered a
beautiful bouquet of daffodils,

from a website,
after a few glasses of wine.

So, Tom, I think you might
be getting some daffodils, too.

Donna, you're definitely
getting some.

Jerry? I don't know.
I'm not sure. Time will tell.

Also, I'm leaving early tonight

because I am a judge in the
Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You
get to be a judge in that thing?

Yes, and it's a responsibility
I take very seriously.

But I want to be a judge.

I can't believe you
like beauty pageants.

April, whoever Miss Pawnee is,

is gonna be the representative
of womanhood in our town.

And as a judge, let me assure
you that this year's Miss Pawnee

will be chosen for
her talent and poise.

Whoa. The girls from Talent
and Poise gonna be there?

What?
Talent and Poise.

It's the strip club by the VA
hospital. I have some meetings there.

[GROANS]
That's disgusting.

No. What's disgusting
is the Glitter Factory.

Do not go to
the Glitter Factory.

Hey!

Hey!

So, I was just at The Grind and I
thought you might want an iced mocha

with extra, extra whipped cream.

Oh, my. Thank you
so much, April. Wow!

You're welcome.

Oh, by the way,
completely unrelated,

I just signed up for the Miss
Pawnee Beauty Pageant.

That's wonderful.

You know, that is why I
decided to become a judge.

So that awesome girls like you,

who are not, you know,
classically hot,

can be rewarded for
their intelligence and savvy.

Beauty pageants are idiotic.

But I found out that the winner

of the Miss Pawnee
Pageant gets $600.

I can be idiotic for $600.

So, are you gonna
vote for me, sister?

April, it's unethical for me
to show you favoritism.

You and I are like family.

The coffee is $7.

Yes. Right. Of course.

Just bump that clown.

Tell them they already have
another Asian judge.

Awesome. Thank you so
much, I owe you. All right. Peace.

Guess who's also gonna be a
judge in the beauty pageant?

What? How?

I know a guy.

I had to call in a few favors.

But if you don't call in favors
to look at women in bikinis

and assign them
numerical grades,

what the hell do you
call in favors for?

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

What you doing in these parts?

I just came by
to see the murals.

This one's pretty amazing.

Yeah, this one's a beauty.

You know, in the 1880s,
there were a few years

that were pretty rough
and tumble in Pawnee.

This depicts kind of a famous
fight between Reverend Bradley

and Anna Beth Stevenson,
a widowed mother of seven.

The original title of this
was "A Lively Fisting."

But you know, they had to
change it for obvious reasons.

She's got him by the
hair pretty good there.

Yeah.

Leslie's really cool,
and she's smart.

It's a little intimidating.

To tell you the truth, I didn't
come here to look at the murals.

I came to ask her on a date.

Hey, Leslie,

I really like you.

And I was wondering

if maybe you'd want to get a cup
of coffee or something, sometime.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Yeah?

[LAUGHS] Yeah. Absolutely.
Let me check my schedule.

Okay.

Let's see.

Is that your grandma?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

That's Madeleine Albright.

That's her name? 'Cause I
usually just call mine "Nana."

No, that's Madeleine Albright.

The first female
Secretary of State.

Okay, so, not...
That's not your grandma, then.

All right. I got it.

How's that schedule looking?

Good, a couple days are free.

Maybe we could just, you know...

Just lock it in later?

Yeah.
Talk later about it?

Yeah. That's a good idea. Okay.

Ladies.

You want to hear
something awful?

He didn't even know
who Madeleine Albright was.

Who?
Not you, too.

Madeleine Albright, the first
female Secretary of State.

No, no, no.
Who didn't know?

Oh, Dave. That cop
that I met. I don't know.

I just don't know
if I can date someone

who doesn't share my interests.

I mean, could you date someone

who doesn't love
giving vaccinations?

I've never dated anyone
who loves giving vaccinations.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey.
Hey.

Weird question for you. Are you
handy? Like, can you fix things?

Well, what's broken?
My shower.

It's leaky, low pressure,
just all around terrible.

Easy. You want me to
come over after work?

Yes. Yes. Amazing.

I will cook you a cheap,
quick dinner

that will be
no trouble at all for me.

Great.
Well, I'll see you tonight,

for the weirdest
second date ever.

Okay.

Hello, fellow judges.

I am Judge Leslie Knope and
this is my colleague, Tom Haverford.

He's also gonna be a judge.

Hi. Jessica Wicks,
Miss Pawnee 1994.

I recognized you right away.

And may I say that you
look even more beautiful now

than you did when
you won the crown.

Ooh, I like you!

Hello. Ray Holstead,
Ray's Sandwich Place.

Yes, of course, Ray.
How do you do? Fine.

I'm Charles Woliner.

I've judged every Miss Pawnee
Pageant for the last 30 years.

I made Jessica.

Well, Tom and I are
very happy to be here.

And I'm sure
between the five of us,

we will choose
the most well-rounded,

intelligent, modern
and forward-thinking woman

to represent our fine town.

Right, Tom? Tom?

TOM: You don't believe me?
Watch.

34 C, 36 B, 34 B, 34 D.

32 A? How'd you get in here?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'm just kidding.
You're perfect,

each and every one of you.
God bless.

Here they are, your
candidates for Miss Pawnee.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, let's meet the girls,
shall we?

First up,
please welcome April Ludgate.

Hello, I'm April Ludgate.

I'm 20 years old.

I like people,

places and things!

And Pawnee is my
favorite place in the world!

Next up,
please welcome Susan Gleever.

Hi, everyone. I'm Susan. I'm a
history major at Indiana State,

I play classical piano, and I
volunteer at the Children's Hospital.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Susan.

She's good.

Next, Trish Ianetta.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hi, y'all. I'm Trish.

I'm 22 years old,
I've been on YouTube.

I just... I love to hang out
with my friends, I love to laugh,

I love the summertime
and going to the beach,

and I love wearing
bikinis at the beach

with everyone there.
I just want everyone...

Well, you know,
they can't all be winners.

Are y'all having a good time?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Looks like we got
a frontrunner, guys!

And now it's time for our
ever popular talent competition,

where our ladies will each
demonstrate their excellent skills.

Here we have Leslie's custom
scorecard, with categories such as,

presentation, intelligence,
knowledge of her story,

fruitful gestures,
je ne sais quoi,

and something called
"The Naomi Wolf Factor."

And our first one up is Trish
Ianetta, whose talent is baton.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My girl Trish is talented.

She's not even
twirling the baton.

[FEEDBACK]

I'm going to do impressions.

Oh, celebrity impressions.
That's wild. Wild stuff.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah.

This is an impression
of my sister.

Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin
and have low self-esteem.

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Thank you.

This is an impression
of my boss, Leslie Knope.

[MIMICS LESLIE] Women should do
everything. Check out my four-color pen.

Hey, everybody. Listen up while I
talk about some really important stuff.

Parks, parks, parks, parks, parks,
parks, Michelle Obama, parks.

Gay penguins, parks,
sugar, parks.

[ALL LAUGHING]

She got me. She got
me good. She got...

[SINGING] Ooh

It's so good, it's so good It's so
good, it's so good, it's so good

[PIANO PLAYING]

I'm texting Trish to tell her
how good she did earlier.

[SHUSHING]

LESLIE: No, Susan isn't
a perfect 10.

But in my mind, Susan is
the perfect Miss Pawnee.

Her values are strong, her
commitment to her job is very admirable,

she has a real sense of...

Hey, hey! Over here.

How's it going in here?

Good.

I hooked your toilet
up to your shower.

That's what you wanted, right?

Yes.
Excellent.

Was that Andy?

Andy?

I know you're in there because I
can see you through the screen.

Ann! Hey! What's up?
What are you doing?

Do you live down here?

What? [CHUCKLES]

What? Yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my
God, you live down here.

Oh, my God. I can't
believe this is happening!

What? I can't be
at my house

and see my ex-boyfriend living in
a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

That's so weird, Andy.

Listen, I have been trying
really hard not to bother you.

Like, when you had
that barbecue last week,

I didn't come up, even
though it smelled so good.

You've been here a whole week?

Yes. One week only.

Oh, I guess... I guess that's the
office you were telling me about

that you go to work to
every day. Excellent.

Listen. Are we gonna talk about anything
other than the lies that I told you?

[SIGHS] I can't do this right now.
I have a guy fixing my bathroom.

I got to go.

Yeah, that's cool.
I got to zoom out, too,

'cause I have some
people coming over.

So, why don't you
call first next time?

You know the way out.

[GROANS]

All right, it's time
now for the dreaded Q&A.

And the first question
goes to Tom Haverford.

Yes, I have a question
for the hot one.

First off, I just want to say
I'm a little bit surprised,

because I didn't think
angels could fly so low.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

You truly are a beautiful,
beautiful woman.

[LAUGHING]

You're so funny.

You're funny. You're funny.

Do you have a question, Tom?

Okay, I have a real question,
if you don't mind, Tom.

Trish, Alexis de Tocqueville called
America "The Great Experiment."

What can we do as citizens
to improve on that experiment?

Well, uh, I think that America
is the land of the free,

which is a wonderful thing,

and also the brave,
where people can live,

and no one can ever take that
away from you and it never gives up.

But the high birthing rate
of immigrants frightens me.

No offense to anyone out there,

but if it were up
to me and my family,

I would actually
call it "Our-merica,"

and not "Their-merica."
Thank you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't applaud that.
No, she didn't...

She didn't answer my question.

ANN: I'm sorry,
you don't think it's weird

that my ex-boyfriend
lives in a tent

in the pit outside my house?

It's not ideal.

Maybe you should try to relax.

Maybe take one of those Ativans

I saw in the medicine cabinet.

Dude!
Yeah, I peeked.

I also didn't see any toothpaste.
Do you not use toothpaste?

I mean, I always
knew he was lazy,

but this is,
like, a new low for him.

[SIGHS]

I feel like we
should invite him inside.

Have you not been listening
to anything I just said?

I don't know, it's just...
It's raining outside,

and he's living
in a pit, you know?

[GROANS]

Okay, folks, just
a couple more contestants,

and then the judges will decide

our next Miss Pawnee, a
winner of $600 in gift certificates

to Big Archie's Sporting Goods
and Emerson Fencing Company.

What? We don't get cash?
This is for a fence?

Well, it won't cover
a whole fence.

But it will defray
the cost considerably!

Oh, my God.

I quit. I quit.

ANNOUNCER: Okay, I guess
she really is quitting.

APRIL: No, I didn't win.

But at least I didn't make
any new friendships.

So, how long do we have
to pretend to deliberate

until we go back out there?

[ALL LAUGHING]

What do you mean?

We're all in agreement.
The hot one, by a landslide.

Well, her name is Trish.

And I don't think we
should rush this, you know?

What is there to talk about? I mean,
I thought Trish was just adorable.

Well, take Susan,
for example. I think...

Susan Boring Stories? No.
It's Trish. Let's go back out there.

Okay, hold on, everyone. Hold
on. Everyone, wait, wait, wait.

Look, whoever we choose

is going to represent
the ideal woman for a year.

She'll be someone
that little girls

in South Central Indiana
look up to.

Now, nobody leaves this room
until we discuss all of it. Okay?

Consider yourselves sequestered.

I'm a judge, so I don't
want to sound partial.

But Trish will win this
pageant over my dead body.

JESSICA: Look,
I am the only one here

who has entered and
won this contest in the past.

And I think Trish
is a no-brainer.

Jessica, may I ask,
what was your talent?

Oh, I packed a suitcase.

I have to say, Leslie
does make a good point.

Trish is not the brightest
bulb in the bunch.

Yes, Ray. Good, I like what
you're saying. Let's keep talking.

Just stand over there
and don't drip on anything.

Is Mark the guy who's
"fixing your shower"?

I don't know about you, Mark,
but I've seen a ton of porn.

And I know what
"fixing your shower" means.

Andy... Sorry, you guys
are on a date. That's cool.

Andy?

No, it's all right.

Don't let me
interrupt your date.

Keep eating.

I already ate. I'm super
full. I don't... I don't want any.

Okay, so,
it's still 3-2 for Trish.

Guys, all I ask is that
you look into your hearts,

and think, really think,
about what you've seen

and ask yourselves,

"Who is the most impressive
woman here tonight?"

It's the hot one.
Trish Ianetta!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

These are amazing. Do you...

Do you put a little hot sauce
on these or something?

A good chef never
reveals her secrets.

ANDY: It's hot sauce.

Ann is an extraordinary cook.

Mmm. Memories.

Do you want some more?
Are you hungry still?

You know what's funny?
[LAUGHS]

I was just sitting over here on
the couch and I was thinking,

that there was once a time

when Mark used to be
the stranger in the house.

And now it's me.

Excuse me, everyone. Why
don't we just take a moment

to give a round of applause to all
the contestants this evening? Yes.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Especially Susan.

This isn't the first time that
Susans have lost to Trishes,

and it won't be the last.

Susan and I will continue on
until the women of Pawnee

are judged not by the
flatness of their tummies,

but by the contents
of their brains.

And, Trish, I may not
have voted for you,

but now is the time
for us to come together.

I hope you honor this crown
with dignity, and a devotion to all...

[TRISH WHOOPING]

ALL: One, two, three!
One, two, three!

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

As usual, Ann, a delicious meal.

Are we doing anything in
the way of dessert or coffee?

We are leaving.

Okay, I get it.

Don't worry. I'm very
good at picking up signals.

Let's go, Mark.

No, dummy. Just you.

Okay. All right.

Take care of yourself.

Just don't worry
about me, Ann. Okay?

I'll be fine.

That went really well!

We had dinner!
I got to see her!

Oh, God, I was so tempted
to look back at her.

Was she looking?

I had to walk so slow.

A good day.

Well, well, well, look who's
here. It's Officer John McClane.

Welcome to the party, pal.

Who's that?

Die Hard.

The battery?

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Well, you know the other day I
asked you if you wanted to have coffee?

Yeah.
You said yes.

Yes. Okay, and then afterwards,

I saw you again,

you kind of acted like you didn't
want to have coffee anymore.

We left it kind of
open-ended. We did.

And that's made
me uncomfortable.

Okay.

So I thought
I'd come in and ask you,

and just get some
clearance on this.

Dave, I like you.

I like you, too.

Okay, so,
we'll get coffee, then.

But I'm just busy. Right
now, my schedule is just so

full.
Okay. Okay, I get it.

Look, I'm not
a guy who plays games.

Okay, I just came to tell you that
I like you, and I like coffee and I...

If you want to get some
coffee, here's my number.

Hey, coming through, buddy.

Hey. I got your message.

Hey. Thanks for coming.

Look, I'd love to go out with
you. How about Friday for dinner?

Yeah? Great.

Hey, will Sandra Day O'Connor
and Michelle Obama

and Condoleezza Rice
and Nancy Pelosi,

are they gonna join us?

No, they will not be joining us.

Okay, well, good, 'cause I
don't happen to agree with

Miss Pelosi's views

about the Troubled
Assets Relief Program.

Hmm.

I looked that up to impress you.

I figured.

Yeah.

If you guys like grilling, you want
to come over and use my grill...

Look, let me do you a favor.
Take a key.

Just come by,
grill up whatever you want.

This is one of my
favorite pick-up strategies.

I'm constantly
giving one of my keys.

This is your house key?

Yeah. I just happened
to have a spare.

Just come by, go for a dip,
whenever you want.

So far, none of them
have shown up.

That's a very
appealing offer, thank you.

Matter of time.

Hey, Craig.

Hey, Tommy.

Fifty more copies, please.

You got it.

I have been robbed twice.