Original subtitles

Good morning, everyone. A couple of announcements.

As we all know, Ron is recovering from his hernia surgery.

So I got him flowers from all of us.

So everybody needs to pitch in, like, $90.

APRIL: $90?

Yes, because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils,

from a website, after a few glasses of wine.

So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils, too.

Donna, you're definitely getting some.

Jerry? I don't know. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

Also, I'm leaving early tonight

because I am a judge in the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You get to be a judge in that thing?

Yes, and it's a responsibility I take very seriously.

But I want to be a judge.

I can't believe you like beauty pageants.

April, whoever Miss Pawnee is,

is gonna be the representative of womanhood in our town.

And as a judge, let me assure you that this year's Miss Pawnee

will be chosen for her talent and poise.

Whoa. The girls from Talent and Poise gonna be there?

What? Talent and Poise.

It's the strip club by the VA hospital. I have some meetings there.

[GROANS] That's disgusting.

No. What's disgusting is the Glitter Factory.

Do not go to the Glitter Factory.

Hey!

Hey!

So, I was just at The Grind and I thought you might want an iced mocha

with extra, extra whipped cream.

Oh, my. Thank you so much, April. Wow!

You're welcome.

Oh, by the way, completely unrelated,

I just signed up for the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.

That's wonderful.

You know, that is why I decided to become a judge.

So that awesome girls like you,

who are not, you know, classically hot,

can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.

Beauty pageants are idiotic.

But I found out that the winner

of the Miss Pawnee Pageant gets $600.

I can be idiotic for $600.

So, are you gonna vote for me, sister?

April, it's unethical for me to show you favoritism.

You and I are like family.

The coffee is $7.

Yes. Right. Of course.

Just bump that clown.

Tell them they already have another Asian judge.

Awesome. Thank you so much, I owe you. All right. Peace.

Guess who's also gonna be a judge in the beauty pageant?

What? How?

I know a guy.

I had to call in a few favors.

But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis

and assign them numerical grades,

what the hell do you call in favors for?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

What you doing in these parts?

I just came by to see the murals.

This one's pretty amazing.

Yeah, this one's a beauty.

You know, in the 1880s, there were a few years

that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee.

This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley

and Anna Beth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven.

The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting."

But you know, they had to change it for obvious reasons.

She's got him by the hair pretty good there.

Yeah.

Leslie's really cool, and she's smart.

It's a little intimidating.

To tell you the truth, I didn't come here to look at the murals.

I came to ask her on a date.

Hey, Leslie,

I really like you.

And I was wondering

if maybe you'd want to get a cup of coffee or something, sometime.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Yeah?

[LAUGHS] Yeah. Absolutely. Let me check my schedule.

Okay.

Let's see.

Is that your grandma?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

That's Madeleine Albright.

That's her name? 'Cause I usually just call mine "Nana."

No, that's Madeleine Albright.

The first female Secretary of State.

Okay, so, not... That's not your grandma, then.

All right. I got it.

How's that schedule looking?

Good, a couple days are free.

Maybe we could just, you know...

Just lock it in later?

Yeah. Talk later about it?

Yeah. That's a good idea. Okay.

Ladies.

You want to hear something awful?

He didn't even know who Madeleine Albright was.

Who? Not you, too.

Madeleine Albright, the first female Secretary of State.

No, no, no. Who didn't know?

Oh, Dave. That cop that I met. I don't know.

I just don't know if I can date someone

who doesn't share my interests.

I mean, could you date someone

who doesn't love giving vaccinations?

I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey. Hey.

Weird question for you. Are you handy? Like, can you fix things?

Well, what's broken? My shower.

It's leaky, low pressure, just all around terrible.

Easy. You want me to come over after work?

Yes. Yes. Amazing.

I will cook you a cheap, quick dinner

that will be no trouble at all for me.

Great. Well, I'll see you tonight,

for the weirdest second date ever.

Okay.

Hello, fellow judges.

I am Judge Leslie Knope and this is my colleague, Tom Haverford.

He's also gonna be a judge.

Hi. Jessica Wicks, Miss Pawnee 1994.

I recognized you right away.

And may I say that you look even more beautiful now

than you did when you won the crown.

Ooh, I like you!

Hello. Ray Holstead, Ray's Sandwich Place.

Yes, of course, Ray. How do you do? Fine.

I'm Charles Woliner.

I've judged every Miss Pawnee Pageant for the last 30 years.

I made Jessica.

Well, Tom and I are very happy to be here.

And I'm sure between the five of us,

we will choose the most well-rounded,

intelligent, modern and forward-thinking woman

to represent our fine town.

Right, Tom? Tom?

TOM: You don't believe me? Watch.

34 C, 36 B, 34 B, 34 D.

32 A? How'd you get in here?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'm just kidding. You're perfect,

each and every one of you. God bless.

Here they are, your candidates for Miss Pawnee.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, let's meet the girls, shall we?

First up, please welcome April Ludgate.

Hello, I'm April Ludgate.

I'm 20 years old.

I like people,

places and things!

And Pawnee is my favorite place in the world!

Next up, please welcome Susan Gleever.

Hi, everyone. I'm Susan. I'm a history major at Indiana State,

I play classical piano, and I volunteer at the Children's Hospital.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Susan.

She's good.

Next, Trish Ianetta.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hi, y'all. I'm Trish.

I'm 22 years old, I've been on YouTube.

I just... I love to hang out with my friends, I love to laugh,

I love the summertime and going to the beach,

and I love wearing bikinis at the beach

with everyone there. I just want everyone...

Well, you know, they can't all be winners.

Are y'all having a good time?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Looks like we got a frontrunner, guys!

And now it's time for our ever popular talent competition,

where our ladies will each demonstrate their excellent skills.

Here we have Leslie's custom scorecard, with categories such as,

presentation, intelligence, knowledge of her story,

fruitful gestures, je ne sais quoi,

and something called "The Naomi Wolf Factor."

And our first one up is Trish Ianetta, whose talent is baton.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My girl Trish is talented.

She's not even twirling the baton.

[FEEDBACK]

I'm going to do impressions.

Oh, celebrity impressions. That's wild. Wild stuff.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah.

This is an impression of my sister.

Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Thank you.

This is an impression of my boss, Leslie Knope.

[MIMICS LESLIE] Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen.

Hey, everybody. Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff.

Parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, Michelle Obama, parks.

Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.

[ALL LAUGHING]

She got me. She got me good. She got...

[SINGING] Ooh

It's so good, it's so good It's so good, it's so good, it's so good

[PIANO PLAYING]

I'm texting Trish to tell her how good she did earlier.

[SHUSHING]

LESLIE: No, Susan isn't a perfect 10.

But in my mind, Susan is the perfect Miss Pawnee.

Her values are strong, her commitment to her job is very admirable,

she has a real sense of...

Hey, hey! Over here.

How's it going in here?

Good.

I hooked your toilet up to your shower.

That's what you wanted, right?

Yes. Excellent.

Was that Andy?

Andy?

I know you're in there because I can see you through the screen.

Ann! Hey! What's up? What are you doing?

Do you live down here?

What? [CHUCKLES]

What? Yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you live down here.

Oh, my God. I can't believe this is happening!

What? I can't be at my house

and see my ex-boyfriend living in a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

That's so weird, Andy.

Listen, I have been trying really hard not to bother you.

Like, when you had that barbecue last week,

I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.

You've been here a whole week?

Yes. One week only.

Oh, I guess... I guess that's the office you were telling me about

that you go to work to every day. Excellent.

Listen. Are we gonna talk about anything other than the lies that I told you?

[SIGHS] I can't do this right now. I have a guy fixing my bathroom.

I got to go.

Yeah, that's cool. I got to zoom out, too,

'cause I have some people coming over.

So, why don't you call first next time?

You know the way out.

[GROANS]

All right, it's time now for the dreaded Q&A.

And the first question goes to Tom Haverford.

Yes, I have a question for the hot one.

First off, I just want to say I'm a little bit surprised,

because I didn't think angels could fly so low.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

You truly are a beautiful, beautiful woman.

[LAUGHING]

You're so funny.

You're funny. You're funny.

Do you have a question, Tom?

Okay, I have a real question, if you don't mind, Tom.

Trish, Alexis de Tocqueville called America "The Great Experiment."

What can we do as citizens to improve on that experiment?

Well, uh, I think that America is the land of the free,

which is a wonderful thing,

and also the brave, where people can live,

and no one can ever take that away from you and it never gives up.

But the high birthing rate of immigrants frightens me.

No offense to anyone out there,

but if it were up to me and my family,

I would actually call it "Our-merica,"

and not "Their-merica." Thank you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't applaud that. No, she didn't...

She didn't answer my question.

ANN: I'm sorry, you don't think it's weird

that my ex-boyfriend lives in a tent

in the pit outside my house?

It's not ideal.

Maybe you should try to relax.

Maybe take one of those Ativans

I saw in the medicine cabinet.

Dude! Yeah, I peeked.

I also didn't see any toothpaste. Do you not use toothpaste?

I mean, I always knew he was lazy,

but this is, like, a new low for him.

[SIGHS]

I feel like we should invite him inside.

Have you not been listening to anything I just said?

I don't know, it's just... It's raining outside,

and he's living in a pit, you know?

[GROANS]

Okay, folks, just a couple more contestants,

and then the judges will decide

our next Miss Pawnee, a winner of $600 in gift certificates

to Big Archie's Sporting Goods and Emerson Fencing Company.

What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence?

Well, it won't cover a whole fence.

But it will defray the cost considerably!

Oh, my God.

I quit. I quit.

ANNOUNCER: Okay, I guess she really is quitting.

APRIL: No, I didn't win.

But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

So, how long do we have to pretend to deliberate

until we go back out there?

[ALL LAUGHING]

What do you mean?

We're all in agreement. The hot one, by a landslide.

Well, her name is Trish.

And I don't think we should rush this, you know?

What is there to talk about? I mean, I thought Trish was just adorable.

Well, take Susan, for example. I think...

Susan Boring Stories? No. It's Trish. Let's go back out there.

Okay, hold on, everyone. Hold on. Everyone, wait, wait, wait.

Look, whoever we choose

is going to represent the ideal woman for a year.

She'll be someone that little girls

in South Central Indiana look up to.

Now, nobody leaves this room until we discuss all of it. Okay?

Consider yourselves sequestered.

I'm a judge, so I don't want to sound partial.

But Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.

JESSICA: Look, I am the only one here

who has entered and won this contest in the past.

And I think Trish is a no-brainer.

Jessica, may I ask, what was your talent?

Oh, I packed a suitcase.

I have to say, Leslie does make a good point.

Trish is not the brightest bulb in the bunch.

Yes, Ray. Good, I like what you're saying. Let's keep talking.

Just stand over there and don't drip on anything.

Is Mark the guy who's "fixing your shower"?

I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn.

And I know what "fixing your shower" means.

Andy... Sorry, you guys are on a date. That's cool.

Andy?

No, it's all right.

Don't let me interrupt your date.

Keep eating.

I already ate. I'm super full. I don't... I don't want any.

Okay, so, it's still 3-2 for Trish.

Guys, all I ask is that you look into your hearts,

and think, really think, about what you've seen

and ask yourselves,

"Who is the most impressive woman here tonight?"

It's the hot one. Trish Ianetta!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

These are amazing. Do you...

Do you put a little hot sauce on these or something?

A good chef never reveals her secrets.

ANDY: It's hot sauce.

Ann is an extraordinary cook.

Mmm. Memories.

Do you want some more? Are you hungry still?

You know what's funny? [LAUGHS]

I was just sitting over here on the couch and I was thinking,

that there was once a time

when Mark used to be the stranger in the house.

And now it's me.

Excuse me, everyone. Why don't we just take a moment

to give a round of applause to all the contestants this evening? Yes.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Especially Susan.

This isn't the first time that Susans have lost to Trishes,

and it won't be the last.

Susan and I will continue on until the women of Pawnee

are judged not by the flatness of their tummies,

but by the contents of their brains.

And, Trish, I may not have voted for you,

but now is the time for us to come together.

I hope you honor this crown with dignity, and a devotion to all...

[TRISH WHOOPING]

ALL: One, two, three! One, two, three!

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

As usual, Ann, a delicious meal.

Are we doing anything in the way of dessert or coffee?

We are leaving.

Okay, I get it.

Don't worry. I'm very good at picking up signals.

Let's go, Mark.

No, dummy. Just you.

Okay. All right.

Take care of yourself.

Just don't worry about me, Ann. Okay?

I'll be fine.

That went really well!

We had dinner! I got to see her!

Oh, God, I was so tempted to look back at her.

Was she looking?

I had to walk so slow.

A good day.

Well, well, well, look who's here. It's Officer John McClane.

Welcome to the party, pal.

Who's that?

Die Hard.

The battery?

Hey. What are you doing here?

Well, you know the other day I asked you if you wanted to have coffee?

Yeah. You said yes.

Yes. Okay, and then afterwards,

I saw you again,

you kind of acted like you didn't want to have coffee anymore.

We left it kind of open-ended. We did.

And that's made me uncomfortable.

Okay.

So I thought I'd come in and ask you,

and just get some clearance on this.

Dave, I like you.

I like you, too.

Okay, so, we'll get coffee, then.

But I'm just busy. Right now, my schedule is just so

full. Okay. Okay, I get it.

Look, I'm not a guy who plays games.

Okay, I just came to tell you that I like you, and I like coffee and I...

If you want to get some coffee, here's my number.

Hey, coming through, buddy.

Hey. I got your message.

Hey. Thanks for coming.

Look, I'd love to go out with you. How about Friday for dinner?

Yeah? Great.

Hey, will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama

and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi,

are they gonna join us?

No, they will not be joining us.

Okay, well, good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with

Miss Pelosi's views

about the Troubled Assets Relief Program.

Hmm.

I looked that up to impress you.

I figured.

Yeah.

If you guys like grilling, you want to come over and use my grill...

Look, let me do you a favor. Take a key.

Just come by, grill up whatever you want.

This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies.

I'm constantly giving one of my keys.

This is your house key?

Yeah. I just happened to have a spare.

Just come by, go for a dip, whenever you want.

So far, none of them have shown up.

That's a very appealing offer, thank you.

Matter of time.

Hey, Craig.

Hey, Tommy.

Fifty more copies, please.

You got it.

I have been robbed twice.