All language subtitles for abbys.s01e01.hdtv.x264-lucidtv

[upbeat music]

of a live, outdoor audience.

- Three bucks.
- Hold on.

I got a proposition for you.

Fine. Quickly.

I am here on this stool
every night for five hours.

I haven't missed
a day in three years.

Yes, you're the Cal Ripken
of low-grade alcoholism.

Thank you.

I believe my being
on this stool

creates a festive
drinking atmosphere,

and I should be
compensated for that.

With free drinks.

What you got there, Beth?

Dartboard.

I bought it for my boys,
but, uh, five minutes in,

they were just throwing
darts at each other's faces,

laughing and screaming,
blood everywhere.

I think they might be
legitimate psychos.

And I might be a terrible mom.

Oh well.

Abby, can we keep it?

I'm not sure how
the scoring works,

but I'm willing to waste
a lot of time on the Internet

trying to figure it out.

I mean, I got a dentist
appointment tomorrow,

but other than that,
I ain't got nothing...

for months.

I wanna hear pros and cons.
Go.

Pros: it--it's darts.
It's fun. Case closed.

- Yeah.
- Uh, con:

drunk people
throwing pointy things.

- Big con.
- Yeah.

Pro: you don't have to be
athletic to be good at it,

and I'm saying that because
I'm not athletic.

I'm big, so people assume I am,

and then they get me
on the field,

and they be like, "Nah."

Con: darts feels
kind of British.

- Ew.
- Hold on, though.

Is darts British?

Are you fact-checking me,
Fred?

No, I'm just--I--I'm not sure
that darts is British.

Well, I mean,
you're either fact-checking me,

or you're just, uh...

talking.

Come on, Fred, do it.
Don't let her psych you out.

- [exhales]
- Yeah, Fred, go for it.

It's fine. Do it.
Don't. Don't do it.

Fine. Challenge!
[bell dings]

- Ha!
- Ha! You idiot.

To the books.

- You feeling confident?
- Yes.

Okay, here we go.

"Darts: created in 1896

by a Lancashire carpenter."

[in British accent]
And where is Lancashire, James?

[sighs]

Lancashire... uh...

No, James.
That was rhetorical.

Lancashire is obviously
in England.

It's a very English word.
I'm right.

In accordance
with rule number seven,

the punishment for losing
a challenge,

I present you with one sugary,
disgusting, lime-flavored

not-beer.

Enjoy.

Ugh. The smell.

Why do people do this
to alcohol?

[mellow rock music]

♪ ♪

[excited chatter]

Abby, wait.

Can we keep the dartboard?

I'm okay with it as long as

you figure out a good
place to put it.

- How about the back fence?
- No, that's too low.

You need something eye level.

What if we asked Skip to move?

I'm not asking Skip
to do anything.

He might yell.

And I don't like confrontation.

You're the bouncer.

I know. It's messed up.

[clears throat] Excuse me.

Where can I find Abby?

- Ooh.
- Well.

[laughs] Buddy,
you don't just waltz in here

and ask for Abby.

Drinking here
is a coveted honor.

You have to work
your way up the ladder.

Yeah, there's a vetting
process for new people.

First three weeks,
you're on the back benches.

You keep your voice down.
You drink what Abby tells you.

- Actually, I--
- Too loud.

Half that.
Eyes down.

And after three weeks,
if you're chill,

you move on to
the random chairs section.

Yeah, you stick it out
at the chairs

for three to six months...
Mm.

You're a full-fledged member.
You can sit at the bar.

It's a bit of a process,

but once you're in,
you're family.

You never drink alone again.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You--what is this?
Who are all these people here?

This is Abby's.
This is where we go

to drink and hang out,
'cause we like it.

Who are you?
Bill. I'm Abby's landlord.

What? No, you're not.
My landlord is an old lady.

James, kick him out.

No, this is not
my new sweater.

This is my--it's
my first time wearing it here.

Yeah, so, your
former landlord, Alice,

passed away.
She left me this house.

I'm her nephew, Bill.

Is this a bar
in my aunt's backyard?

What?

No, no.
These are all just...

my friends.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

Just people who happen
to know each other.

- Emergency contacts.
- Yeah.

We just, like,
hang out like this,

all together in a group.

Mm-hmm. With a cash register.

I collect old cash registers,
as do many other people.

- What people?
- People that...

I shouldn't have jumped in.

- Could I get a beer, please?
- Sure, man.

Here you go.

Okay,
it's three bucks, right?

Whoa.
Whoa, there, friend.

Why are you giving me money?

Mi casa es su casa.

[chuckles] Weird move--
giving her money for a beer

in a social,
non-business situation?

Who does that?

Just drink the beer, man.

No, this is a bar--
on my property.

I mean, this is super illegal.

You gotta shut this down
right now.

Look, you weren't
expecting this. I get it.

But before you rush
to judgment,

let me at least
show you around.

I mean, it's--
it's really great.

It's not scary at all.

"Show me around"?

I mean, this is
a small rectangle,

and I'm very tall.
I can see everything.

The chairs, the--
Just bear with me?

Okay.

Um, all right.

Over here.
When I first moved in,

there was this creepy
fountain thing over here,

so I junked it, and I brought
in this cool vintage jukebox.

You know,
my uncle carved that fountain

out of a single piece of stone.

[clicks tongue]

It was there to commemorate
a World War II battle

where he lost his best friend.

- And now it's a jukebox.
- [clears throat]

What kind of music
do you like?

I like jazz, actually.

[glass thuds]

You, uh, not a fan?

Not a fan of jazz, Bill.

Okay, but hold on a second.
What about saxophones?

I mean, saxophones are cool.

Yeah, so cool.
Um...

I like how they curve.

And how people close their eyes
when they play them, I guess.

Let's move on.
just hanging out, peopl,

having a good time.

Before I opened this place,
there was nowhere for us to go.

We were all just scattered
to the wind.

Mm.

Homeless.

This is more than
just a bar, Bill.

It's... it's a community center.

Huh.
That is very moving.

Uh, I was told that
you force people to sit here

until you decide you don't
hate them anymore.

No, people choose to sit here

until we figure out

how to incorporate
them into the community.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hi there, friend.
Hmm?

Uh, my name's Bill.
This is my property.

I just wanted to come over here
and give you permission

to sit or stand
anywhere you want.

Nah.
I'm fine.

Okay, this is insane.
She's not an emperor.

I don't think
this is working.

He's a jazz fan, Beth.
How am I supposed to convince

a jazz fan of anything?
His brain is warped.

Okay, here is
what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna turn on the charm,

make him feel like
he's part of the group--

make him feel invested,
you know?

Yeah. Yeah, that could work.
Get in there.

Do your thing, man.

Hey, Bill!
Buy you a beer?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Well, that was my big gun.

We're screwed.

♪ ♪

[mellow rock music]

God, I sprinklers.

Hey there, Bill.
Um...

I didn't have a chance
to tell you

how sorry I am about your aunt.

She was a--a very special lady.

Really?
How well did you know her?

- Oh, so well.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, um--I mean, I--
I'll never forget her address.

It was, uh,
111 Civic Center Drive,

Suite 303,
San Diego, California...

"Attention: Greg."

That's
her accountant's office.

That's where you sent
your rent checks.

Did you think she lived
at the civic center?

Come on, man.

This bar is my livelihood,
okay?

It's taken me years
to build it up from nothing,

and I finally have it
exactly the way I want it.

Nobody is bleeding.
Nothing is on fire.

What is your problem?
What's my problem?

Do you understand that I am
responsible for all of this

in the eyes of the law?

"The eyes of the law"?

I regretted saying
that immediately.

Seriously, man,
you walk in here with your--

with your pants
and your orange shirt

and your little
cell-phone purse.

Well, I...

And you just
start harassing me?

Okay,
I'm not harassing you, okay?

I just can't deal
with this right now.

The last year of my life

has just been total chaos,
you know?

I--I changed jobs,
my marriage...

my marriage ended.
I--I just--

what I'm looking for
is a little stability,

and you serving mai tais
on my property

is not stable.

Uh...

Abby would never serve anyone
a mai tai.

She hates them.

Just throwing that out there
in case it helps.

Thanks.
That does not help at all.

Abby, I don't wanna argue
about this anymore, okay?

So I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna document everything,

and then I'm gonna get
out of here, okay?

Why'd you do that?

Why would anyone do that?

I'll go get your phone.

♪ ♪

Hey, so I know you
technically own all of this,

but that's my stool.
Oh.

Sorry.

No, no, come back.
Hang out.

- Okay.
- Just scooch over a little.

I like to sit over here because
I can see my kids' windows.

Oh, that's convenient.

Yeah, it's a good mom hack.

I get to unwind,
but if I hear screaming

or smell something burning,
in a flash, I can...

finish my drink and get home.

So are you guys, like,
regulars here?

Yep.
I'm Fred.

I've known Abby
since she was a kid.

I used to work with her dad.

I was one of
her first customers.

Right, so how did
all this happen?

She was in the marines.
Afghanistan.

Two tours.

After she got out,
she did some waitress jobs,

but she didn't like people
telling her what to do,

so she started this.

She knows bars.
She grew up in bars.

Her dad's a degenerate
alcoholic.

Mm.

He's sexy, though.

He's a borderline criminal.

But charming,
like a suave cat burglar.

Don't loan him
your bike, though.

No matter how many
times he asks.

Okay, I won't loan
Abby's dad my bike.

Look, I know Abby
seems kind of gruff,

but she's thoughtful too.

When I was in bed with the flu,

she took my boys
to see a movie.

It was one of those
"Saw" movies.

Actually messed them up
pretty good.

They're, uh, different now...

but still, so sweet of her.

She kicked my phone.

Phones are against the rules.

- "The rules"?
- Here.

- Oh.
- The bar has 162 rules

and regulations.

I memorized them.

I'm sort of like
the bar expert.

Maybe don't tell Abby
I said that, though.

Wow, this is extensive.

"All tacos are group tacos."

Hey, hey! That was mine!
I suggested that one.

You know, I do see the appeal

in having somewhere to go
every night.

You know, my ex-wife,
she sort of claimed

all our favorite restaurants
as "her territory."

Lot of our friends, also.

And the fish.

We used to have a fish,
and now it's her fish.

She took everything, is what
I'm trying to say here.

- She had to be a Capricorn.
- Yikes.

- She sounds great.
- Hmm.

You know what?
You need a glass.

- Oh!
- Excuse me?

Yeah, if you have
a seat at the bar,

you get your own glass,
like mine.

It says "Fastline Systems"
and there's a picture

of a computer driving
a race car.

[snickers]

Yeah, what--what's
Fastline Systems?

I don't know.

- [chuckles]
- Hey, now.

- Ooh.
- Wow, a Viking helmet, huh?

I go with my gut...

and my gut says
"Viking helmet."

♪ ♪

[laughter]

I know your name is Bill,

but when you're holding
that mug,

I'm gonna call you Sven.

Hmm. [chuckles]

[group cheers]
To Sven!

Here you go.
Sorry about that.

You know, I was about
to reflexively say "It's fine,"

but I'm not gonna do that
because that was

a very weird thing
for you to do.

All right, man, you--you
got me backed into a corner.

You wanna see me beg?
I'll beg.

Let me keep the bar open.

Oh, that's it?

Yeah.
I was practically on my knees.

Okay, there might be
a way to make this work.

I'm an engineer, so I believe

there's a way to make
everything work.

Ugh.

Easy with
the engineer brags, buddy.

Well, even if
I were to consider it,

you would have
to make some changes.

- What kind of changes?
- Just some basic stuff.

You know, get a liquor license,
uh, have an emergency plan,

and--and just get some
business insurance, okay?

- Insurance for what?
- Oh, I don't know, uh...

okay, how about
the guy playing boccie

with a dart sticking
out of his leg?

Relax.
It's in meat, not bone.

[shouts]

- Oh!
- Oh!

[gasps, screams]

[panting]

Yeah, I'm gonna have
to insist on the insurance.

Also, you gotta lose
the grill, obviously.

I can't just
"lose the grill."

It's one of the best things
about the bar.

People stand around it.
They cook, they interact--

- They catch on fire.
- Sometimes,

but they're always fine.

I'm not gonna let you
ruin the bar.

Whoa, "ruin the bar"?
It's just a couple of

suggestions, and I think that--
It's a slippery slope, okay?

I love this place too much
to watch it morph

into some cookie-cutter
chain restaurant.

I'd rather shut it down,
so drink up, everybody!

Last night at Abby's!

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my house

getting drunk,
where you can't go,

so I hope you don't need me.

Also, when I was next door,
I found your phone, Skip.

I think it's been back there
for, like, three years.

Do you want it?

Right answer.
Skip gets me!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

It's such a bummer.

This could've been the night
we got the dartboard.

Not anymore.
Not anymore.

All right, we just have
to go inside and--

"Go inside"?
The house?

That's literally
rule number two.

Number one is "no visors,"

and number two is "no one goes
inside the house."

If we don't do something,

Abby's pride is gonna
get the bar shut down,

and then where will we be?

At home!

All right.
James?

Make sure Mr. Fancy Engineer
doesn't leave.

[laughing] Yeah, such
an intense brag out of nowhere.

I know.

"I'm an engineer. I love math."

[mumbles indistinctly]

Hey, I know we're not
supposed to, uh--

It's fine.
Make yourselves at home.

So this is your kitchen.

Wow.

Cool, uh, elephant magnet.

Don't look at my stuff.

Okay.
Cool, cool.

So, how're you doing?

[sighs]

It hasn't sunk in yet.

I guess I'll have to get
another job at a sports bar

where the guys wear
their sunglasses

on the back of their...

necks.

Abby, we can't
let you do this.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I'm not.
I'm worried about me.

I need this bar.

I budgeted out my savings
for the next 25 years.

If I gotta pay more
than three bucks a beer,

I'm gonna go broke
by the time I'm 70.

Abs, I need the bar too.

If this thing goes away,

then I have to spend
more time with my family,

and I love them dearly,
but that's a nonstarter.

My kids are obsessed with me.

They want me to hug them
and make them food.

I'm sorry guys, but I--
I just can't.

Okay?

Now leave me alone
so I can black out

and forget this is happening.

Last thing I'll say:

Bill is out there right now

trying to figure out where
to hang the dartboard.

- So?
- So he's invested.

He's one of us.

He might not know it yet,
but I do.

It just makes me feel like
I'm a kid again, you know?

When my dad would just show up
out of nowhere

and mess everything up?

And I get that,
I--I really do,

but I think we can trust
this guy not to ruin the joint.

Besides, I am right
in the middle

of a game of dominoes
with James.

If you close down,
what are we gonna do?

You know how hard it is
to move a game of dominoes?

It's impossible, Sarge.
The tiles go everywhere.

Thanks for the talk.

Any time.

Also, please stop
calling me "Sarge."

Ah, respectfully,
I'm gonna keep on doing that

'cause it's fun.

♪ ♪

[door clicks shut]

I guess the front
of the bar is out

and eyes and stuff. faces

Yeah, that stuff
is important.

Skip seems to have his area
pretty well locked down, here.

Don't look right at him!

Okay.

I'm willing to try
some of your changes.

What do you mean "some"?

I will work on
the insurance thing.

Oh, I have a friend
in the insurance game.

Tons of ways
to cheat the system.

But, you know, still be legal.

[quietly] But sneaky.

Okay, and the emergency plan?

We're outside.

The emergency plan
is "remain outside."

Okay.
What about the grill?

As I've said,

the grill
is where people gather.

The grill is important.

- Then we don't have a deal.
- Damn it, Bill.

You can't move
a game of dominoes!

What?

The dominoes.
If you move them mid-game,

then everything gets
all scrambled and ruined

and you lose all the tiles.

[sighs] I need
the people at this bar.

And they need
the bar the way it is.

If they go away, I lose them.

Please, man.

[voice breaking] Abby...

that was so beautiful.

Okay, we'll make it work.

But I do have
one more condition.

- What?
- If we're gonna do this,

I need to know that it's
gonna be a partnership, okay?

I'm risking a lot here, so
I need you to meet me halfway.

And that's why I need you
to make me...

a mai tai.

♪ ♪

20 bucks says she bails.

- You're on.
- Guys.

Oh.
Hey, you can do this.

We believe in you.

Actually, I--I like
extra cherries on mine.

Oh.

[clicks tongue, inhales]
Well, you can toss this.

I don't like mai tais.

- What?
- I...

I just wanted to see
if you would do it.

I mean, I'm actually
very surprised.

Just to compromise all
your integrity like that

is super humbling.

- Well played.
- [exhales noisily]

[chuckles] Thank God.

I was so scared just then.

I--I need this drink.

♪ ♪