All language subtitles for a.p.bio.s02e04.720p.hdtv.x264-lucidtv.mkv.stream2

[laidback music]

- anniversary getaway,ic

an Alaskan cruise
or a vampire tour of Arizona?

- Duh, a cruise.
Cruises are so sexy.

- Like on the "Titanic."

But careful, Michelle,
or you might fall in love with

a scoundrel who lives
below deck.

- Ooh, and he'll wind up dead

while you're floating on
a door.

- Mmm.

- Yeah, I'ma do
the vampire tour.

- I had a roommate that
I thought was a vampire,

but he was just British.

And then ever since then
I've just roomed with

fat, tan Americans.

- Ooh, look at the focus.

- Ooh, something is
definitely up.

- [chuckles]

Ah, well, nothing, uh,
it's just, uh,

it seems that "The Blade's"
Peach Weekender has named me

one of "Toledo's Top
100 Bachelors."

- Hmm.

- It's actually kind of
embarrassing.

- Ladies are gonna be ripping
those sweatpants right off.

- Yeah, that drawstring
doesn't stand a chance.

- They're gonna tear
your pants off in public.

- [giggling]

- Oh, what's the word, Durb?

- Color me surprised,
but guess which

recently divorced high school
principal with

a slight case of psoriasis
was just named one of

Toledo's top 100 bachelors?

[cheering and applause]

- Thank you.
I mean...

- Good for you.

- Move.

- Okay, guys--guys,
that's very sweet.

You don't need to make
a big fuss out of it, though.

- Yes, there is.

- Oh, glorious day, Whitlock.

Your beloved Principal
has just been named

one of the top 100 bachelors
of Toledo.

So, ladies of age,
pull up your bloomers

and get in line!

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

- This is so cool.

I mean, who woulda thought
little Ralphie Durbin

from the old neighborhood
being a top Toledo bachelor?

- Ralph, take it easy, man.
It's not that big of a deal.

- Well, maybe not for you,
but I've never been on a list.

Well, I was--I was on
a sex offender list one time,

but that was a typo.

Guy's name was Ralph Durbine.

Big time jerky guy, apparently.

- Huh.

- I'm just so happy you and I
are on the same list.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now I just gotta worry about
what to do with my face.

I hate the way my face looks
in photographs.

- What?
No.

Your face is awesome, Durbs.

- Yeah, give us some over
the shoulder brooding look.

You know, like, make it pouty.
- Okay.

- Yes.
- Yes, Durb, shr-exy.

- Okay, God, this is all
so much fun already.

You what the most exciting part
is?

After the magazine comes out,
there's a big party

for all the bachelors.

And from what I understand
it is a very swanky affair.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Jack, you and I
are gonna be sipping martinis

at the top of
the Courtyard Marriott.

- Huh.

Yeah, I guess it could be good
for my book on

working class Toledo
to experience

their version of a gala.

You ladies think I look good
in sweatpants,

wait till you see me in a suit.

[laughs]
- Oh.

- All right, I'm gonna go
to class.

- Oh, we should do matching
pocket squares.

- I probably won't.

[bell rings]

[sucking noises]

- [moans]

Feel like I'm no better
at kissing

than I was 20 minutes ago.

- I know.

It's way too predictable.

- What if we practice on
each other's hands?

Then it's like we're actually
practicing on another person

because we are practicing on
another person.

- I'm not so sure.

- Don't worry.
It's her first time too.

- I think we're ready
for actual live girls.

- There is a gesture I've been
wanting to make,

but my love...is forbidden.

- Okay, let's do it.

- I was going for a fist bump,

but I guess you two are
well past that.

- [chuckles awkwardly]

[percussive music]

- Whoops, forgive me for
interrupting.

I am Sarah Nesbitt,
editor of the top 100 list.

- Oh, the top--yeah.

Uh-oh.
[laughs]

All right, guys, pencils down.

Um, we're gonna cool it
with the biology

for a second there.

Boy, oh, boy.

I guess I should mention
the no-brainer of the week.

I was, uh, named one of
Toledo's top 100 bachelors.

[laughs]

- Duh.
- Ew.

- One hundred?

- Yeah.

- Actually, I'm here to get
a quote

for Ralph Durbin's profile,
since you're his...

"Best friend
and former roommate."

- [laughs]

All right, well,
there's a startling amount of

hyperbole there, but, uh,
yeah, sure.

Uh, go ahead and write that,
uh, he is a good guy

with a--with a kind heart.

And he, uh....

Well, he...

Oh, you know what?

He's not that sex offender with
the very similar name.

He's not him.

- Uh, okay.

[clears throat]
Well, thank you.

- Absolutely.
Oh, whoa--before you go...

Um, you know,
as you're gathering quotes

for my profile,
I prefer that you get 'em

from my Harvard colleagues.

- Oh, we only do profiles
on the bachelors

who made the top ten.

- Oh, oh, ope.
I'm sorry?

- If you're not in the top ten,
you don't get a profile.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not one of the top ten
bachelors?

In Toledo...

Ohio?

- Yes.

- What?
- Ouch.

[percussive music]

- Wait a second.

for my profile,athering quotes

then what is the magazine
gonna say about me?

- Oh, we just pull a blurb
from your submission packet.

- What submission packet?

- Where you were described
as a...

"Lovable grumpus"
and the "cutie with a booty."

- Now see, I actually agree
with "lovable grumpus."

- Thank you, Dan.

All right,
those are the ramblings

of a mental patient.

And I know exactly who wrote
them.

- You can divorce him later.

Oh, shh.

Marry him, he sounds fun.

There's the cutie with
the booty.

- [chuckles]

Helen, I need to know
everything you wrote about me

in that bachelor submission.

- Oh, I was very flattering.
- Yeah?

- I said you were
a smarty-pants

and you wear really cute
pajamas to work

and you live in
your dead mom's apartment.

- Okay, so, nothing--nothing
about me going to Harvard

or that I was
a National Merit Scholar?

[groans]
Yeah.

- Cheez Whiz.

- You know what?

I probably shouldn't even sweat
not being in the top ten.

I mean, you know,
we strive for these awards

that will never bring us
true happiness.

- Oh, I can't argue with that.

I mean, being crowned

"The Longest Baby Born
in Toledo"

has caused me nothing
but grief.

- Yeah, I bet.

- The press can be so mean.

"At this rate,
she'll be 11 feet tall.

Finally, an 11-foot tall
woman."

And then there's hell to pay
when you end up normal-sized.

I didn't purposely end up
short and squat.

I would have loved to be
11 feet tall.

[bright music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yeah, so, Mom,
I'm number eight out of 100.

Yeah, I'm gonna be in
the newspaper.

[indistinct chatter]

- [grunts]

Well, how much--how much
did they drain out of it?

Okay.

I hear "Judge Judy" coming on
behind you.

I know you're gonna hang up.
I'll call you later.

I'll call you later, bye.

[exhales deeply]

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Watch and learn.

[indistinct chatter]

If you're texting me,
you don't need to.

I'm right here.

- I'm firing my piano teacher.

- You know, I always found
the idea of dating childish.

- Oh, no.

- But as we grow older,
our feelings change.

I look at you
and I don't see the girl

I went to elementary school
with anymore.

Now I see a woman.

I don't know if you've noticed,
but I've been changing too.

- Uh, Eduardo, uh...

- Shh...let me finish.

In conclusion, would you go out
with me?

- No.

- Thank you.

- Well, never thought
a high school secretary

in Toledo could be my demise,
but...

[laughing]

Oh, Helen's folksy cunning
has pushed me to the brink.

Yeah, she wrote my submission,

which is why I'm not in
the top ten.

- We gotta fix this.

We should resubmit your--
- I wanna resubmit my packet--

Jesus, Heather,
we are lined up.

Once they read the new packet
they'll have no choice

but to put me in the top ten
where I rightfully belong.

- Aren't you at all embarrassed
to be groveling for

a spot on a Toledo
single's list?

- Marcus, face down.

All right, let's get to work
on this blurb.

- Uh, maybe use this.

"Once in a generation
there's a revolutionary leader.

"A Che, a Mahatma,
a Malcolm.

"Jack Griffin is the Guevara,
the Gandhi,

the Gladwell of Toledo."

- Heather...

When I die,
you're getting it all.

Say it again.

Sarika, you wanna write
this down?

- "Once in a generation..."
- Sarika, write it down.

- "Once in a generation..."

- Sarika, you're not writing
it down.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you ready?

[percussive music]

- Hello, ladies.

- Shouldn't you be in class?
- I have a hall pass.

- Okay, see and this is
very wet.

- May we have the room?

- "We" who?

- You and me, "we."

- Uh, you can have this
5X5 space,

but we will remain in the room
for legal reasons.

- Ms. Duncan, if you were
a garden, I would tend you.

- Okay.

- If you were a bird,
I would watch you soar.

- Oh, that's nice.

- If you were a video game,
I would sneak downstairs

in the middle of the night
to play you on mute.

- I don't--I don't like that.

- I want you to have this.

- Oh, well, see,
you are very sweet,

but I can't accept
the Quinn Satchel in Oxblood

with the side-slit pockets.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm late for French.

- Hi.

- Give that bag back to that
sweaty little boy.

- Why?
- This is a slippery slope.

- Because he's sweaty?
- Ooh.

- Slippin'.

- Thank you so much.

- Hey, hey there.
So glad I caught you.

Uh, this document here is gonna
tell you everything

you really need to know
about me, yeah.

SAT scores, Harvard,
my various endowments.

Didn't mean to wink.
That made it skeevy.

Uh, at an rate, I think once
you peruse this document here,

you will see that
I am top ten material.

- This isn't necessary.
- No, please.

- Okay, uh, we did
our research already

and found that you are solidly
number...

- Okay.

[tense music]

Ah, still flipping?

No.

- 86.
- 86th?

How can I be 86th on your list?
That's crazy.

- Hey, Jack.
Is everything okay?

- Oh, hey--hey, Lynette.
Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, very okay.

- What list are you 86th on?

- Top 100 Eligible Bachelors--

- Golf--golfers,
best golfers of all time.

- That's very impressive.

- It's--it's not bad.

- Okay.
Excuse me.

- Don't take the numbers too--
- Can we just...wait a second?

[sighs]

Not yet.

- What exactly
are we waiting for?

- No--nothing,
we're just waiting.

86th, are you kidding me?

- Don't take the numbers
too seriously.

Just being on the list
is an honor.

Congrats.

- Okay, being 86th
on your stupid list

is not an honor.

[groans]
Great.

That's great.

- Are they insane?
You're Jack Griffin.

You're Harvard Jack.

You're the big enchilada.
You should be in the top ten.

- I mean, come on.

How did they come up with
this crazy list?

- Oh, they focus on dumb stuff,
like, how I'm always

involved in the community
and how I own a home

and I'm always giving money
to charity and--

- How you run the top
public school in the district,

how you give blood
till you pass out,

how you put on those little
short-shorts for the car wash

just so we can raise a lot
of money

for the women's shelter.

The ladies were going crazy
for him.

- How are my accomplishments
ever gonna be rewarded,

given those insane parameters?

- See, this is wrong.
Damn it, this is wrong.

- It's wrong.
- We gotta fight.

You know, the mayor owes me
a favor.

Maybe it's time I called it in.

- Yeah, or we could just go
talk to Sarah.

I mean, I do think a word
from a top ten

would go very far.

- Yeah, oh, well, she'll be at
the group photoshoot

later this afternoon.

- Perfect.

- You and I are gonna be
toasting martinis

as fellow top tenners
in no time.

- That's the plan.

Hey, why does the mayor
owe you a favor?

- Oh, well...

Let's just say that
his, uh, daughter

did not go to her senior prom
alone.

[whistling]

My nephew took her.

- Oh--oh.

[bell rings]

- If you're texting me,
you don't need to.

I'm right here.

- What are you talking about?

- You know, I always found
the idea of dating childish.

- Oh, I heard about this.

- But as we grow older,
our feelings change.

I look at you
and I don't see the girl

I went to elementary school
with anymore.

Now, I see a woman.

- That's really sweet,
but let me cut you off.

- No, please allow me
to cut you off.

Would you go out with me?

- Not if we were the last
two people on a desert island.

- Thank you.

[bell rings]

- As an adult,
starting swimming is scary.

- Oh, no, I know you didn't
keep that bag.

- Girl, I am trying to teach
the future generation of men

how to treat a lady.

- He's gonna expect something.

Like, an A.
- More like that A.

- More like that ass.

[jazzy music]

- Girl.
But it makes me feel so classy.

- What can I get you?

- Oh, no shot for me.

Today I think I'll try
a Pinot Grigio.

- Huh, thought you'd order
something like that.

- See?
It's classy.

- Okay, think about this:

Victor gives you a bag
and then you feel obliged to

hang out with him after school
one day.

And then poof,
it's ten years later.

You're married to Victor
living in a two-room condo

with an in-unit washer-dryer,
explaining what 9/11 was like.

- Well, do I get
a parking space?

- Stefanie.
- W--what?

I mean, he's very thoughtful.

- And very 16.

- Fine, fine, I will give
the bag back.

♪ ♪

[whispering]
You guys are being jealous.

Jealous.

- That's perfect.

Oh, good, Ralph, you're here.

Grab a hard hat and vest
off the table

and go lay next to the rubble.

- Listen, let's just pause
the photographs

for just a second.

We need to have
a serious discussion

about my friend's placement
on this list.

And are those hard hats
adjustable?

- Listen, I know you weren't
swayed by my new submission

despite the fact that I'm
clearly more qualified--

- I already told you we don't
need you for this shoot.

The list has been decided.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.

But if you won't take
it from me, I get it.

Perhaps you'll take it from
your very own number eight.

Ralph, take it away.

- Yeah, uh, Jack Griffin is
the finest man I've ever known.

- Wow.

- The fact that he's even
a bachelor is a crime.

- Now am I twisting his arm?
This is all him.

- He should not be in
your top ten.

He should be in your top one.

Unless that--is that
your number one guy?

Because he deserves it.
- Yeah.

- That's your number one
right there.

- There's your number one.
- Oh, my God, he is handsome.

- Look at that guy.

Slot me in at number two,
'cause he's very fit.

- He's fit.

- I'm sorry, I have no time
for this.

- You know what, um, I think I
can slide in right over here.

I'll sit next to
this gentleman here

or if you wouldn't mind
hopping up.

That's great.
I don't even need a jacket.

And you know what?

It could be a top 11,
no one's counting.

- Mr. Griffin,
you're making me question

whether you should be
on this list at all.

- Ooh, you gonna take that
lying down, number eight?

- Absolutely not.

Now listen, either we are both
in the top ten,

or we're both out.

- Have it your way.

- All right, great.

- You're both off the list.

- Uh...okay.

Well...
[chuckles]

Here, can you grab that
for me there, beefcake?

Um, you know what, pal?
We are so much better off.

I'm telling you,
this top ten is whack.

- [laughs]
- It's whack.

- Yeah.

- There were two craft brewers
on that list.

- Oh.

- Two of these guys,
they craft beer.

That's all they do.
- Right.

That's--yeah, I guess, uh...

I guess I shouldn't have, uh,
gotten my hopes up.

- Yeah...

- It is with a heavy heart

and fistto the heavens raised

that I inform you that
your beloved Principal,

Ralph Durbin, is no longer on

Toledo's top 100 bachelors
list.

Which is unfair A-F,

and I'm sorry to letter-swear
this early in the morning.

He can't--he's coming.
I gotta go, bye.

- Was that really necessary,
Helen?

[dramatic percussive music]

- Uh, what else you got?

- What about a list of
"Tole-dos and Tole-dont's"?

- No, too similar to
our "Ohi-os and Goodbye-os."

Oh, great, this guy's back.

- Oh, really?

I'm not the one with wet tuna
on my cleavage.

Yeah, you know what?
Nope.

I'm not gonna go there,
I'm not.

Because this isn't about
you or me.

This is about my good friend,
Ralph Durbin.

Someone who cares enough about
other people to put them first.

Someone who spends his life

making things better for
other people.

I honestly cannot think of
a single person on Earth

who's more worthy of being
in your top ten

than that sweet, generous
dumpling of a man,

and I am not leaving
this office until you get that.

Also, I grabbed one of
these croissant sandwiches

on the way in.

I hope these are for
everybody,

'cause I'm taking one.

It looks delicious.

I haven't had one in
a long time.

So, regardless of your decision
on Durbin,

I'm going to eat this.

I hope that's cool.

[bell rings]

- Victor.

- So, I don't know if you have
spring break plans...

- You know, Victor,
I'm going to have to return

your really thoughtful gift.

I mean, yes, this supple
nubuck leather

is giving me all kinds of
feelings,

but...I'm your teacher

and it's inappropriate.

- You mean forbidden?

- Uh, yes, it's legally
forbidden.

But, you know, don't worry
about it,

because I am sure
the appropriate person

that really deserves
this bag

is right around the corner.

So...

- Before we go back
to the teacher-student charade,

may I ask for a kiss?

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- I'm not sure, but I think
don't tell anyone about this.

- [sighs]

[quirky music continues]

- [sighs]

Hey, Grace,
can I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm.

- If we were the last
two people on a desert island,

would you hook up with me?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Whoa.

What if we went to prom
together

and I showed you the night
of your life?

And afterwards we went to
my uncle's lake house,

would you do it then?

- Yeah.

- What about just, like,
at my house after school?

- Okay.
- I'm busy today.

- Another time then.

[bright music]

- Jack, thank you for
arguing me back on to the list.

To making this night happen.

This is so great.

This is--I'm just so glad
we can experience it together.

- Yeah, I am too, Ralph.

But, you know, hey,
you earned it.

- See, this is exactly what
I wanted,

sharing a fancy cocktail
with my buddy.

- Hey, you know,
the, uh, philosopher Camus,

said of friendship--

- Hey, two rum and cokes.

- Yep.

- I'm sorry you had to be
a volunteer

to get me back in the top ten,
Jack.

- Don't mention it.
It's the least I could do.

Uh, let's see,
what was I saying?

Oh, yes, um, the philosopher
Camus, said that--

- Ooh.
- Friendship, essentially...

- Can I get a little more ice
in this one?

- Yeah.

- Ooh, look at that.

[grunts]

It's not really a fight.
[clears throat]

- There we go.
How am I doing?

- It's perfect, good job.
- Thank you.

- God, did you ever think
when you were younger

that someday you'd be with
your buddy,

having a fancy drink because
the people in Toledo

voted you "sexy?"

- Definitely not.

- [sighs]
It's a pretty special night.

- I'm glad.

[jazz music]

- Wow, the wind is
blowing east,

but you can still smell
the rendering plant.

♪ ♪

- Yep.

.