All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S03E12.720p.WEB.H264-MEMENTO - mx

*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 03 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Legends and Luggage"

- Hello.
- Hello.

Thank you, everybody.

Hello. Hello.

Hello!

- Hello!
- Hello.

Hello, everybody.

- Thank you.
- Hello.

Thank you so much, thank you.

And coming up
in this week's show...

James stands next to a car...

...Richard pulls a face...

...and some Toblerone
falls over.

Exciting stuff.

Exciting stuff.

It is, um... It is
an action-packed show.

But we start with Lancia.

I've said many times that
over the last hundred years,

no-one has made
more truly exciting cars.

There was the Integrale
and the Stratos,

and the Fulvia, and the 037 -
the list goes on, and on -

and yet all they make today

is a steaming pile of ordure
called the Ypsilon.

Look at it.

I would rather have
a maggot-infested wound

than drive one of those.

Honestly makes me sad that they've
been reduced to making that,

and it turns out
I'm not the only one.

There's a man in
Italy called Eugenio Amos,

who looked at
the old Delta Integrale

and found himself
wondering...

What would it be like
if Lancia made it today?

How would it feel?
How would it go?

And then he stopped wondering
and decided to find out.

This is what he came up with.

The engine is
a 16-valve 2-litre turbo,

as it was before,

but it has new rods,
new pistons,

a new turbocharger,

and a lot of
electronic tweaking.

So now it develops
330 horsepower!

That's 140 more
than you got in the old car!

And there's more good news.

Most of the body panels
and suspension components

are now made from either
aluminium or carbon fibre.

And there are
two advantages to that.

Number one, they won't rust,

and number two,
they're light.

And because of all this work,
this car is pretty quick.

There's a fair bit of period
turbo lag, as you can hear.

But when it gets on song...

Bloody hell!

It does 0-60 in four seconds.

And flat-out, it'll be doing
more than 160 miles an hour.

The best thing, though, is that all the
understeer you got in the original car

has been replaced with...

an extraordinary amount
of grip and neutrality.

It is a bloody brilliant car,
this.

Look at this!

It is properly quick
through there.

Yes, I like this.

Don't go thinking, however,

that all of
the Lancia idiosyncrasies

have been erased.

The steering wheel is mounted
low down between my legs,

so I can't see
any of the dials.

And then here we've got
a lot of buttons and knobs

that don't seem to do
anything at all.

I know this red one
with the rocket ship -

or is it a Philippe Starck
lemon squeezer?

I know that
starts the engine.

But all the rest, no clue
at all, I'm afraid. No clue.

What does "levati" mean?

To find out, I pulled over
to chat with Eugenio,

the man who created this car.

A man who turned out to be,
let's say, fully Italian.

- On the steering wheel...
- Mm-hm?

...I've been a bit confused
by this button.

Levati? Well,
"levati" in Italian means,

it's the translation of
the word, like, "move".

You press that button
and you flash the lights,

and hopefully people
will move from your way.

So it just means... That's
Italian for "get out of my way"?

Yes, exactly.

After clearing that up, he
really got into his stride.

- Did you weld that?
- Personally?

- Mm.
- No. It's like porn.

- Porn?
- It's welding porn.

- What's the gold?
- Um, it's to...

Basically,
it would have a function.

Not in this case.
We just like it.

OK. It's pretty.

- So it's just a pretty gold bar?
- Yes.

Why did you do two doors?

Two doors?
Because... Why not?

- I think it looks cool.
- It looks very snazzy.

And then how would you
describe that bottom now?

Well, it's... I would say
it's a very nice ass.

- Mm-hm.
- And this is the more... small detail.

I would say it's like the thong
that comes out from the jeans.

That's... OK.

With everything fully explained,
I got back on the move.

You have got to love
the Italians, haven't you?

I mean, Eugenio said
a lot of the stuff in here

wasn't working because, "If it was
working, then it would be an Audi."

I love this car precisely
because it isn't an Audi.

And I love it because someone
cared enough to make it.

And I love it most of all

because it's giving me
my youth back.

There is, however,
one problem.

It costs a quarter
of a million pounds.

And I'm sorry,
but if I was going to spurt

big lumps of money on
an updated classic Lancia,

I'd spurt them on the most
classic Lancia of them all...

the Stratos.

Yes, you couldn't fit in it if
you were shaped like a human,

and thanks to its
signature short wheelbase,

it handled like a psychopath.

But, a few years back,

a team of people
from all across Europe,

including Germany's
13th best horse rider,

got together and wondered

what a modern Stratos
would be like.

And then they stopped
wondering and got to work.

They bought a Ferrari 430,

removed the entire body
and threw it away.

And then 20 centimetres was cut
from the wheelbase of what remained.

After this,
the V8 was uprated

and so was the cockpit frame.

A new exhaust system
was fitted

and then a new
carbon fibre body was made

to create this...

The new Stratos.

Pretty, isn't it?

And it's even better
when you get inside.

Look at this. I fit.
And there's air-conditioning,

and a button that changes the
setting of the traction control.

And it's got door pockets

big enough
for a crash helmet,

just like in the original.

Right, let's see if this is
just misty-eyed nostalgia,

or whether it actually works.

It is not
misty-eyed nostalgia.

The first thing you notice
is the stiffness.

And then there's
the lightness.

It's actually 100 kilograms lighter
than the Ferrari on which it's based.

You can certainly feel that
when you accelerate.

Nought to 60...

Three point three seconds.

And it'll keep on going
all the way past 200!

This is alarmingly fast!

Jesus H Christ!

You sense it too
in the corners.

It's just so darty.

It's like driving a...
a dragonfly.

I thought the McLaren Senna
felt light, but this...

Jesus.

And because of
the short wheelbase,

it's incredibly playful.

Never does
the same thing twice.

Here I come
to Your Name Here.

Let's try that again,
same corner,

same input, same line.

It's got understeer
this time.

Same input.

There we go!
There you are, ha-ha.

This is a complete mentalist.

It's like one of those
interactive computer books

where you choose the ending.

Except you don't choose
the ending.

It does.

This, then, is very like
the original Stratos.

Which means you have to be

an utterly, utterly
brilliant driver

to get the best out of it.

If you aren't a particularly
brilliant driver, well...

Yeah. This is going
to happen a lot.

I don't care, though, because
spinning and having accidents,

it's like falling off your Raleigh
Burner BMX, which is what this car...

...is.

Unfortunately, however,

it's not priced like
a Raleigh Burner BMX.

It's actually priced like
a really big house.

Pity.

One of my favourite,
most exciting, cars.

- Uh-huh?
- Yeah, no, I loved it.

I really did love it.

Good. Yeah,
that's all well and good.

- Mm?
- Go on, then.

- What?
- How much is it?

- £650,000.
- For God's sake! Really?

- £650,000?
- Yes.

For an old Ferrari with
a bit sawn out of the middle?

Well, it's a bit more
than that.

Look, if you want a Stratos, why
don't you just buy a Stratos?

I don't fit in
the original Stratos.

Well, you would if we sawed a
bit out of the middle of you.

- I've just remembered something.
- What?

- I don't want to talk to you two any more.
- Do you not?

No, I want to see how fast Abbie
can get that remarkable Stratos...

That unremarkable
old Ferrari...

...Stratos
around the Eboladrome.

Away it goes,
looking magnificent

and sounding pretty good too.

Immediately onto
the Isn't Straight.

Ooh, easing off a little there
for one of the right-handers,

but very, very tidy
through there.

Now, Abbie dropping into
Your Name Here,

and even tidier
through there.

But, how many random
handling tricks

will we get round there?

Absolutely none at all.
It's nailed there!

Flicking out
the other side like a flea,

and already on the run
back to Old Lady's House.

It's faster and sharper,
a Ferrari improved

by the removal of
needless weight and length.

Now, Old Lady's House,
here we go.

Danced through there
brilliantly.

And absolutely brilliant
through the second bit as well.

And now the full-bore run
to Substation.

That thing looks epic.

Stable under braking,
tidy through the corner.

Bit of a squiggle on the way out.
Anything through Field of Sheep?

No, tidy as anything
and across the line!

You've got to admit,
that did look...

- It looks very exciting.
- That does look quick.

- It does. Yeah.
- It does.

It looks very exciting.

I particularly enjoyed
the bit where you said,

"improved by the removal of
needless length and weight."

Well, that's me, isn't it?
I mean, that is clearly...

Just... Just... No, I still
don't want to talk to you.

- Do you not? How fast did it go?
- No. No. Yes, What... exactly.

Let's find out. There.
Look, there's the board.

Let's see
where the Stratos goes on it.

Yeah. Oh.

- 17th. That's not bad.
- No, hang on a minute.

- What do you mean, "Hang on a minute"?
- That's over a second slower

than a four-door BMW saloon.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it is slower,

but it's a lot more
expensive, so...

- Good point.
- Tell you what.

Let's find out how fast
the Delta went, OK?

Integrale. Here we go.

Didn't bother filming it,
but we have got the time.

Ah... Oh.

Yeah. Now, an old...

No, look at it this way. It's
actually the same speed as a BMW M2.

I think I can also claim
quite reasonably

that the old Mercedes A45

would go round the track
faster than that.

Yeah, and be a hell of
a lot cheaper,

- just a fact.
- Yes, but, but,

everything
on a Mercedes would work,

and who wants that? Be dull.

It's what Eu...
It's what Eugenio was saying.

You don't want German. You aren't in
the Italian frame of mind, you two.

- Are we not?
- No, you're not. That's the trouble.

Has anyone here got an Italian car?

No, they're not here, are they?
They didn't make it.

It's raining.

Did you... Yes, that is
a good point, actually.

It's also very windy, and before the
tent blows away, we should get on.

We should. We must move on,
because now it is time for us

to score a bag of chat
from the dealer of debate...

- God.
- ...on Conversation Street.

I like that one.
I really like that one.

It's my favourite.

I don't even remember
my head coming off.

I do.

Anyway,
look, let's get on with it.

I've got some very interesting
news for you, James.

Oh, God! Not more speed
of bloody birds, please.

- Oh, is it?
- No.

- Speed of fish.
- Oh, for God's sake, no.

- Go on, go on.
- OK.

How fast do you think
a salmon can cross a road?

Salmon don't cross roads.
You're thinking of a chicken.

You say that. Watch this piece of
footage I found on the internet.

- Look at that!
- What, are they salmon?

- They're fish?
- It's actually salmons.

Oh, no, that is
actually quite interesting.

It is. Look at them! There's
hundreds of them going across a road.

- What are they doing?
- This is the interesting thing.

If I were a salmon... And they have
to go back to their breeding ground,

or spawning ground,
don't they?

I wouldn't be bothered. I'd
just stay on the other side.

"Oh, I'll have
the baby here."

When my children were born,
I didn't think,

"I've got to get back
to Doncaster!"

I just went to
the nearest hospital.

No, salmon are very determined.
You have to respect them for that.

Actually, fish, I think,
are pretty cool.

Actually, is it not
remarkable that car-makers

have never named cars
after fish?

Good conversation.

They've named them after,
you know...

Big cats, they've done.

- Birds. Lots of birds.
- Birds they've done.

- The weather.
- Greek gods.

Why has there never been
a Ferrari Salmon?

Determined, agile,
good at cornering.

Lamborghini Tuna.

Yeah, I was gonna...
The tuna is a very fast fish.

- 40 miles an hour, a tuna will go.
- Faster than a speedboat.

Faster than a jet-ski
you rent on holiday.

It's a brilliant idea. I can't
wait for the Ford Haddock.

Mm.

Can anyone think of a car
that's been named after a fish?

- Stingray.
- Barracuda.

- Oh, now...
- There's the Stingray...

Stingray, yes.
Barracuda. Manta.

Manta.

Isn't it amazing how all cars
are named after fish?

- It's an astonishing thing.
- We can edit all that other stuff out.

Yeah, the audience knows
a lot more than we do.

That's basically
what we're talking about.

I'd completely forgotten
about the Barracuda.

Plymouth Barracuda, yeah, and the Opel.
Yes, absolutely.

Now, you know
we've always said

that Canada
is God's pantry, yeah?

Yes.

And that Saudi Arabia
is his petrol station.

Yeah, and Lancashire is his
cupboard under the stairs.

Our tent's
about to blow down.

Exactly. This is
the wind tunnel.

France is
his drinks globe.

France is the drinks globe.

Argentina is his cesspit,
Bol... Bolivia is his...

Yeah.

Yeah. It is.

You really got that one,
yeah.

Point I'm trying to make,
though, is,

as we've always agreed,
Italy is his race track, yes?

- Yeah.
- This is a known fact.

We saw it earlier with the
Integrale and the Stratos.

Now, this is a point
that's been proved,

because the mayor of
a small hamlet,

um, called Acquetico in...
near the French border,

he installed a speed camera

on a two-week trial period,
OK?

Now, we've got a picture of
the village in question here.

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, we're
not talking about a vast metropolis here.

Now, in the two-week trial
period of the speed camera,

the number of people it caught
breaking the speed limit was...

- ...58,560.
- What?

There, in that village?

- 58,500, in two weeks!
- What?

They can't help themselves,
the Italians, can they?

Well, wait a minute. That
many in two weeks, during...

- Let's assume it was quieter at night. It looks it.
- Yeah.

So during the day there must
have been at least one car

every ten seconds
setting the camera off.

People would have been
done twice a day. No, wait.

On the way to work,
then back for lunch,

then back to work,
then back home at night.

"It's happened again."
"This flashing is annoying."

What I, what I love, though,
is the mayor is still deciding

whether a speed camera
is necessary.

What does he want?

He's quoted in one of the
papers I read the other day

as saying, "Well, the problem
is we have good asphalt

and long continuous bends."

So, he's basically said,
"It's a really nice road,

so of course people
are going to speed."

"Plus, we're Italian, so what
do you expect?" No, good effort.

Meanwhile, in the UK,
things are rather different.

Um, there's a man in
Bedfordshire, right, he's...

Which is a county in England-land
if you're watching elsewhere.

Er, and he's put
a fake speed camera

on the side of his house,
which is by the A1.

We're got a picture
of it here.

As you can see,
it is very realistic.

- Would you agree, yeah?
- Completely.

And he's been told
to take it down

because the highways agency
say it's distracting drivers.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

- Yeah.
- The highways agency have said

something that looks exactly
like a speed camera

- is distracting drivers?
- Yeah.

They've rather shot themselves
in the foot with that one.

Yeah, because
what they're saying is

speed cameras are distracting drivers
and they're therefore dangerous.

Speed cameras,
according to the government,

are killing baby children
and small puppy dogs.

So, shall we have a vote?

Yeah, let's have...
Do we all agree?

Who thinks all speed cameras
should be removed?

Yes! Highways
agency, we agree with you.

- We support you in your campaign.
- 100%...

- 100% of us.
- ...of the British population

agree that they should all
be taken down now.

- Good, that's that sorted.
- Cleared that up. Good.

Er, I'd like to move...

I've got some very big and
interesting conversation, actually.

- Peugeot... have made an interesting car.
- Mmm.

- Bet they haven't.
- Er, no chance.

No, they have. I've got
a picture of it here, look.

It is called the e-Legend.

- Ooh, hang on.
- It has two electric motors.

It has 456 horsepower
and it is designed

to look like the old
Peugeot 504 Coupe.

- Well, it doesn't.
- No, they say it does.

- It does a bit.
- It doesn't. Looks more like the 505 GTi,

he said
in a rather boring way.

I don't care what old car
it looks a bit like.

- Look. It looks fantastic.
- It does. When can we buy it?

- Er, you can't.
- Oh.

No, it's just a sort of
concept car design study.

What you can buy, though,
right now, is, er, this.

- Oh, God, really?
- Yeah.

That's called the, er...
That's called the Rifter.

It's a sort of diesel van.

Oh, what is wrong
with Peugeot?

- It's a good question.
- Why are they reminding us

that they used to build some
really very good-looking cars,

and then we can only buy
dreary crap like that?

No, it baffles me,

because why would you make
a concept car you can't buy?

When you go to a
greengrocer, "This succulent,

juicy apple, you
can't have that one.

We've got some
mouldy ones in the back."

Peugeot, go to a
greengrocer and see

how they do business, and
then learn from them.

Now, a few months ago,

there was a bit of
a problem in Britain.

It's been going on
for a year or more,

where kids are getting on
mopeds, riding down the pavement,

another kid on the back,
helping themselves

to people's phones and old ladies'
handbags and what have you,

as they're going along, yeah?

It's a big problem
for the police

because in busy city streets,
how do you chase a moped?

- You can't.
- Well, exactly, no.

However, the police
came up with an idea

that they thought
would solve it,

which was to basically
ram the moped thieves, OK?

You're applauding?

We've actually got footage
of them doing just that here.

Ready. There he is, and bam!

Yeah! Down you go.

And...

booyah!

That's what you need.

You see, we're all in favour
of that, are we not?

- Yeah, yeah.
- It's the only time in my life

I've ever wanted
to be a policeman.

No, you can't.

- Why?
- You haven't got a moustache.

- That's true.
- No, but that...

- OK, I have had an idea.
- Oh, God. Is it ridiculous?

- Let me explain.
- That's a yes, then, it is.

Just let's see
what everybody thinks.

OK, so best will in the world,
the police are out patrolling,

and they don't do much of that
these days, as I'm sure we all know.

- Yeah.
- But even if they were,

the chances of them
encountering somebody

who really was a moped thief

in a place where they could
realistically knock them off

- is quite remote, yes?
- Yes.

So how's this for an idea?

All of us, as we're
driving along in our cars,

if you see a motorcycle,
knock them off.

Wait. What,
just any motorcyclist?

Yes, because eventually somebody's
bound to hit the right one

and knock over,
er, a moped thief.

Hang on, isn't that
a bit like Pol Pot

executing anybody who wore glasses
in case they'd read a book?

Yes, it is.

Look, I admit, you two, I
know you're not moped thieves,

I know you're not, but you do
ride motorcycles and that's fine.

And you are going to get,
I have to admit,

some hurty knees
and a bit of grazing.

Well, yes, and quite a lot
of other people,

including Ewan McGregor,
Jamie Oliver, Ross Noble.

The Hairy Bikers,
for God's sake!

- You can't knock them over.
- Yes, I know, you say that,

but they're just casualties
of war if you think about it.

The main thing is

that we are bound to
totally end moped thievery,

and we'd all have a good
laugh at the same time.

- No.
- Come on, you would.

You can't ram bikers.

I'm not saying we ram them.
A gentle nudge.

Anybody here ride motorcycle?

Yes. Well done.

Sorry.

Anyway, I think that's the
end of Conversation Street.

- Yes, it is.
- Let's move it on.

Yeah, let's move it on.
Earlier on, Jeremy was listing

all the wonderful and remarkable cars
that Lancia have made over the years,

but let's not forget
Porsche has also made

some rather remarkable cars.

Absolutely.
There was the 911.

There was another
sort of 911.

There was a slightly
different 911 that was green.

Yes, yes, yes, I know, but this
year marks the 50th anniversary

of what I think must be the
greatest Porsche of them all.

- Is it a 911?
- No.

It's called the Porsche 917.

And even if you have
no interest in motorsport,

you'll most likely
recognise this machine...

because it's
quite possibly

the most iconic racing car
ever created.

Now, today Porsche is
the most successful car maker

ever to race at Le Mans.

They have 19 victories
to their name.

But this is the car
that started it all.

This is the car that gave them
that all-important first win.

Now, obviously,
with a pedigree like that,

it's quite valuable,
around £14 million.

So when we asked the
insurance if this would be OK,

they said yes, but not the
accident-prone little midget.

"It must be Captain Slowly."

So let's see if I can make
this thing live for you.

The first thing
you need to know is that,

although the 917
looks like a big, wide car,

actually, it isn't.

Ow.

I'm in.

God, it's tiny!

Holy mother!

Ahh!

The racket
is just astonishing.

Imagine this
for a 24-hour race.

Even though
it's a 50-year-old car,

the 917 is fast by the
standards of any decade.

Nought to 60, 2.7 seconds.

Top speed, 224 miles an hour.

And it was built
without compromise,

using the absolute
bare minimum of materials.

So, for example,
this bodywork,

which is very close
to my head,

it's fibreglass,

1.2 millimetres thick,
that's it.

Now, in front of me
I have a big rev counter,

an oil temperature gauge,
and an oil pressure gauge.

That's all the information
you get.

If those
are reading correctly,

that means the engine
isn't going to blow up,

and that means
you can pin it!

Jeez! It's the world's
fastest canoe!

The five-litre
12-cylinder engine

produces 621 horsepower,

which is modest by the standards
of today's road-going hypercars.

But this thing weighs
just 800 kilograms.

As a result,
the power-to-weight...

is off the scale!

Bloody hell, this is special.

I'm amazed Porsche
let me drive it at all.

I mean, they didn't
give me any training.

They just put me in and said,

"Pull zis und turn zat and,
oh, you'll be fine, mm."

What's more amazing
than that, actually,

is that this car
exists at all,

because its gestation was...

let's say...
it was quite difficult.

The story of its birth
starts in 1968,

when the governing body
for sports car racing,

alarmed that the top-end,
unregulated prototype cars

were becoming too fast, too
expensive, and too dangerous,

decreed that such machines should have
engines no larger than three litres.

However, the governing body also
said that if you could build

25 road-going versions
of your racing car,

that engine limit would be
raised to five litres.

Although, secretly they knew that
no small sports car manufacturer

could actually afford
to do that.

They didn't think
there'd be any takers.

What they hadn't reckoned on was Porsche's
head of motorsport Ferdinand Piech.

Back then, Porsche was
a tiny cash-starved outfit,

nothing like the prosperous
company we know today.

But Piech was so consumed with
scoring an outright win at Le Mans

that he decided he was going
to build those 25 cars,

even though the next Le Mans
was only a few months away.

So, everybody,
and I do mean everybody -

the accountants, managers,
office juniors, secretaries,

they were all hauled away
from their desks

to go down to the production line
and work on getting those cars ready.

They actually became known
as the "secretary cars".

The ragtag Porsche team
just made the deadline,

and the motorsport inspectors
gave the road cars the sign-off,

presumably not inspecting
them too closely

or they would have noticed that
most of them had truck axles.

With the green light given for
Porsche to enter the Le Mans race,

Piech got to work getting
some cars ready in time.

Now, on the plus side,
they were blindingly fast.

One car clocked 238
on the Mulsanne Straight.

On the downside, though, they
were terrifyingly unstable

and virtually undriveable.

The drivers
simply didn't know

what the car
was going to do next.

There was so much
chassis flex

that the gear lever would move
around all over the place.

They'd make a gear change, put
their hand there the next time,

and it'd be
somewhere else.

Piech hoped for a big win
at the 1969 Le Mans race,

but it was a disaster.

One of the privately-entered
cars crashed on lap one,

killing its driver.

The others broke down
as the race wore on

until just one remained,
driven by this man,

British driver
Dickie Attwood.

"Difficult" would be,
er, putting it mildly.

Um... er, "life-threatening"
could be another one.

- Um...
- Right.

It was, um, a monster.

It was made for speed,

like a bullet,
to go through the air,

but the, er, there wasn't
enough pressure on the bodywork

to keep it on the ground.

And so the faster you went,
the more unstable it was.

It was so horrendous,

I was waiting, hopefully,
that the car would break.

And eventually it did.

But it was 21 hours
before it broke.

We were six laps in the lead,
so we hadn't got far to go.

But I was, I was happy
the car broke.

Undeterred, Porsche hired
British race engineer John Wyre,

who'd helped to develop
the Ford GT40,

to sort out
the 917's evil handling.

And he cracked the problem,

with a little help
from Mother Nature.

After one really long
test session,

Wyre and his drivers noticed that
although the front of the car

was absolutely plastered
in dead bugs,

there were none here
on the rear wing,

which must have meant the air
wasn't flowing over it,

and it wasn't producing
any downforce,

and it wasn't pressing
the car down into the track.

Having reworked the aerodynamics
of their problem child,

Porsche arrived at the 1970
Le Mans race with renewed hope

and Dickie Attwood
once more at the wheel.

During the race, the 917s
were blisteringly fast -

as ever -

but this time, mercifully,
they were much more stable.

And although heavy rain
claimed victim after victim,

Attwood and the 917
took the chequered flag

and gave Porsche their first
ever outright win at Le Mans.

It was a win
they badly needed,

because they had,
quite literally,

gambled the company on it.

It's also true to say
that this car

nearly broke Porsche,
as well, didn't it?

Because they were
a very small company.

It did. Um...

Again, it was Ferdinand Piech

and, er, he was a guy
who was, um, quite extreme.

He was so enthused
to do what he's done that

that nearly
broke the company, it did.

Yeah, the racing programme
nearly destroyed Porsche.

From then on,
there was no stopping the 917

as it set about building
its own legend.

The following year
at Le Mans,

on the way
to another crushing victory,

it would go through
the speed traps

at over 241 miles an hour,

a record that stood
for more than 20 years.

And in that same race,
it was so fast

it would cover
a total of 3,315 miles,

a distance record
that would stand until 2010.

And if that wasn't enough,

Hollywood's greatest
petrolhead, Steve McQueen,

came to Le Mans and made
the 917 a screen icon.

And now, since the legend is
celebrating its 50th birthday,

I think it deserves
a fun day out.

So, I thought, why don't we put
Mr Dickie Attwood back in it

to stretch its legs a bit
and spice things up,

and whilst he's there, let's
see how the old legend -

I mean the car - stacks up
against a modern Porsche.

Specifically, this Porsche,

the 911 GT2 RS,

the biggest gun
in Porsche's current arsenal.

Now, attentive viewers
will have noticed

that I'm not
actually driving,

and that's because I've
decided to do this properly.

We're going to have old Porsche
Le Mans-winning racing driver

versus young Porsche Le
Mans-winning racing driver,

because this is Neel Jani, and he
won for Porsche in 2016 in the 919.

To be honest, he's also probably
a bit better at this than I am.

As for the cars themselves,

on paper,
it's a tough one to call.

We have 700 horsepower
in here,

621 horsepower in the 917.

But the 917 weighs
just 800 kilograms.

This weighs 1,830 kilograms.

It's over a tonne heavier.

But then again, we've got modern
tyres and we've got modern brakes,

and we have a modern gearbox
with paddles.

So, I mean, God knows.
Let's find out.

What I hadn't considered in
my comparisons... was Dickie.

Whoa, cheeky!

Look how bloody fast
he's going.

The man's a loon. He's 78.

He's going quick, huh?

Carrying a massive amount
of speed in the corner.

Here we go.

Have him!

Whoa!

So, the red mist
has descended again,

after a pause
of nearly half a century,

and Mr Attwood
has gone quite mad.

Oh, yes, this could be it.

Yes... Oh, no!

Ah, he's had you!

Ah, you can't
quite out-brake him

cos you're too heavy.

But in the end,

youth and modern rubber
triumph over the flat hat.

Oh, we're right all...
We're all over his tail.

Here we go.

Oh, ho-ho!

Yes!

Nicely done, sir.

Lucky. I can keep my job.

Yeah, I think
you can keep your job.

- What a hero.
- Oh, I love Dickie Attwood.

- Fabulous.
- Oh, yeah, Dickie Attwood, what a man.

Really good.

So, you see, James,
some old men can drive fast.

- Just saying.
- I didn't realise...

You know the Ferdinand Piech
who did the 917?

He went on, years later, to do
the Bugatti Veyron, didn't he?

Yes, he did, exactly right.
And before that,

he did the Audi Quattro,
the original one,

and his grandfather,
obviously, he did the Beetle,

and his cousin,
I think it was, did the 911.

Yeah, his cousin Ferdinand.

They were all called Ferdinand.
It's a true fact, this.

Porsche was started
by Ferdinand,

who had a son who took over the
company, and he was called Ferdinand.

And then he handed it
on to his son,

who was called Ferdinand,
and he did the 911.

- They're all Ferdinand.
- Yeah, but the second Ferdinand...

- Yeah.
- He had a sister.

- Called Ferdinand.
- No.

She was called Louise.

And she had a daughter
called Louise.

- There's a surprise.
- And a son called Ferdinand.

That was Ferdinand Piech
who we were looking at there.

Exactly right,
who did that car.

There's no wonder, really,
that the 911 never changes,

cos that family's got
no imagination.

"What shall we call our son?"

"Hmm, I'm thinking
Ferdinand."

Want to guess what Ferdinand
Piech's son was called?

- Colin?
- No, no, it was Ferdinand.

- Was it?
- It was, yeah.

There is a surprise.
There is a surprise.

Anyway, let's move it on,
shall we?

Yep, let's move it on. As you
would probably imagine,

we have to travel a lot
to make this show.

I mean, just in making
this series alone,

we have been to Colombia,
Detroit, Las Vegas,

Scotland, Tbilisi, Baku,

Istanbul, Helsinki,
and Chongqing,

Mongolia, Hong Kong,
Florida, Spain,

France, Italy, Switzerland.

That's just to make
13 programmes.

Yeah, and we're not
making that up.

We genuinely have
been that far.

And that means we have to
go through a lot of airports.

And almost all of them
drive us mad

for a number of small
reasons, and one big one.

- Yeah. You.
- What?

Well, you.

We have to travel
with you everywhere,

and you never stop
ranting about it.

I do a little bit
of that, yeah.

- A little bit?
- Yeah.

The first 20 minutes of
the film we're about to see

are just rant before
we even get to the point.

Yeah, that is true.

But it's worth it,
as you shall see.

This is London
Stansted Airport,

which is located
nowhere near London.

Here we are,
Wetherspoons with runways,

and miles of tape
to make your life worse.

And why do they need
a two-hour check-in?

I mean, two hours to get my
suitcase from the check-in desk

to just behind that wall over
there, which is where the plane is.

Go on. Two hours!

I could almost get it
back to London in two hours.

Oh, good, security.

Time to take
all my clothes off

and give someone
my toothpaste.

And, do you know,
the worst thing is,

I mean, the idiocy of people in
these queues just beggars belief.

Look at her shoes.
You seen her? Look at her.

She looks like Elton John
in Tommy.

It's going to take her three
hours to take each one off.

And take your laptops
out now,

while you're in the queue,
not when you get there.

I came here on a train, 2,000 people
on it, and no security at all.

Going on an aeroplane.
Wooh. Well, we'll do this.

And then, of course,

is your bag going to be
selected for a special search?

Of course it is.
All... Yes, there you go.

You've been through
an X-ray machine.

If you go to a hospital
and you X-ray somebody's leg,

OK, you say, "Right, it's not
broken, I can see that,

but let's just cut your flesh
open to make sure."

It... They know.
It's been X-rayed.

Why are they looking at it
again? Oh, here we go.

Yeah, salt.

Self-raising flour.

Normal flour.

Baking powder. Talcum powder.

That's for
my athlete's foot.

I've put them in clear bags.

Every single airport

you go through
anywhere in the world,

why are they so interested in my
condiments and medical necessities?

- I mean...
- I don't know, mate.

And then you're
out of security

and straight into a shop,

which wouldn't be
so bad

if it sold something
you actually wanted,

like bog roll or cat food.

But, no,
all they sell is perfume.

Why do they think,
when you get to an airport,

"Oh, right, I'm suddenly
overcome with a need

to smell like
Victoria Beckham"?

Then you've got the adverts.
Look at that halfwit.

Look at him.

Every advert in every airport
makes no sense.

And then you have
these moronic slogans

from companies that do things
you don't understand.

"Manage your infrastructure
like a visionary,

not a functionary."

What's that mean?
Might as well say,

"Manage your infrastructure like
a visionary, not a shoplifter."

There's a shop at Heathrow

that sells
a life-size pot horse.

I mean, who, when they're
about to get on an aeroplane,

goes, "Yes, that's exactly
what I need,

a brittle, fragile pot horse
to lumber about"?

I'm going to start an airline
called "I'll Take My Chances Air".

You turn up, get on
the plane, it takes off.

Nobody on board
smells like Victoria Beckham.

No security, nothing.
If it blows up, it blows up.

Not that you can say "blows
up" in an airport these days

cos then you have to go
to prison for 400 years.

Why is she wearing
a tracksuit?

Well, so she can
be comfortable.

She's not going
on a fighter jet.

She's going to Spain.
There's no g.

Well, there's one.
Well, I mean there's 1g now.

I'm not thinking, "Ooh, these
jeans are really uncomfortable,

I wish I'd worn a kaftan."

And all those, they're the amuse-bouche
of the problems you have at an airport.

Now it's time
for the really big one -

the distance to the gate.

- This never ends.
- Of course it doesn't end.

- Oh, God.
- Look at that.

Ten-minute walk to gates.

There's no such thing
as a ten-minute walk.

Nobody walks for ten minutes.

Well, I mean, an ape would or a
wildebeest, but not a human being.

Ten-minute walk!

The distance from
the bag drop here,

to this gate we're going to,
is 1.2 kilometres.

In Atlanta, the walk to the
furthest gate is two kilometres.

In Beijing, it's two miles!

The astonishing miracle
is that, so far,

I haven't actually been
run over

by one of those karts going,
"Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Warning.
Fat bastard on board."

And then you get to a corner,
and is it the end?

No, there's another mile
of corridor to get down.

No-one in the history
of aviation

has ever flown
from gate one.

There are no gate ones
anywhere in the world.

"Here's your ticket.
Gate 374."

Where's gate one?

I can see now why James May
volunteered not to be in this film.

And, finally,
you get to the gate,

which is so far
from civilisation

they're still using
a dot matrix printer.

We have explained to him that
the walk has to be this long

because aeroplanes are wide
because they've got wings,

but he can't seem to
understand the concept.

Look, you will admit that
that was a long walk, yes?

I don't care what the reason
is, it's a long walk.

- It is quite a stretch, yes.
- Which is why we decided to address the problem.

Shut him up.

So, here we are
arriving at the airport again

with what looks like
normal hand luggage.

OK, what I have here,
as you can see,

is a perfectly ordinary
wheeled suitcase.

If I fold the handle away,

it will fit in
an overhead locker.

However, if I lay it down,
like so,

you can see...
starting to look like a car.

- Not really, mate.
- No, it is.

And it will look even more like a
car when I have completed the build.

Simply open it up.

As you can see,
all the things I need

for a couple of nights away
are in there.

It is actually a suitcase.

But also in here is,
um, a steering wheel.

So, shut that up...

Yeah, you put your shirt
over your steering wheel.

- It's not my shirt, it's my jacket.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Just move it off the steering
column, zip it up.

Right, and then...

You heard that. A solid click
like an M16 rifle bolt.

This is my accelerator,
my brake,

and then I simply...
sitting on it,

being quite careful to keep
that away from... my plums.

And I am ready to go.

- So, where's yours?
- Here.

- This is it. Laptop.
- Yeah.

Put it on the floor.

- Wheeled laptop?
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, but... Oh, I see, you stand on it.
- Yeah.

And I'm off.

- So where's your luggage?
- In my pocket.

I got pants, toothbrush,
everything I need.

I'm good to go.

Hammond, that does look
a bit dangerous.

It is.

That's why I'm wearing
all these pads.

Right, are we ready, then,
to revolutionise air travel?

Yeah. The worst bit about every
working day is about to get better.

Let's do this.

The speed!

Oh, shit.

I may have hit
the other sign as well.

- My brakes aren't as good as I thought.
- I hit the big sign.

Another advantage
of this, I am tall.

- I reckon I'm 5'11" on this.
- There's been a bit of a role reversal.

It's good. I've
got to be honest with you.

In a matter of moments,
we arrived at the check-in.

This is a good test.

Yes.

I'm not a sheep,
I'm not a sheep.

I have solved customs.

Ah! Hello.

- Sorry about that.
- Sorry. -Ow.

- Are you checking in a bag?
- No.

- He's on it.
- I have it here. It's here.

- He's not normally that tall.
- Shut up.

Into security.

Oh, God, my foot.

Sorry.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- That was my other foot.

Yep, that happened.

Can you, er, take out
your laptop, please?

Well, no, it is a laptop.
Look, that's it.

- It's a laptop.
- It's a laptop with wheels.

- Yeah, that's it, simple.
- That's a steering wheel.

- And what's that?
- Car.

- Oh, God. Just got to get undressed.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you want to see my penis?
- Um, whoa, not right now.

There you go.

Thanks. Bet you never had
a steering wheel

go through customs before,
have you?

Ooh, ah.

Right, onwards.

I actually have nine wheels
on my suitcase,

not counting this one.

Oh, that was...
That was... Ha-ha.

That was a bad mistake.
Ah. Ha-ha.

Yeah, sorry.

Soon we were motoring
through the duty-free shops.

This works
by leaning to steer it.

It runs on what are,
I believe, called "trucks",

which are the little wheels
under skateboards,

and they... they go
in the direction you lean.

Coming through.
Oh, sorry, madam.

I think it'd be better
if it made a noise.

- Hello, this is the future.
- I want one!

You're dragging your suitcase

instead of using it
to get you to the gate.

Oh. Beep, beep, beep.

Sorry, I've... Sorry, I...
Thank you.

In full power mode, I have a
top speed of 28 miles an hour

but I'm not using that

because in full power mode,
you have no steering at all.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, sorry, mate...

Er, Jeremy,
you've killed a man!

- Oh, shit, no!
- Oh, Hammond's gone!

Ow.

- I meant that.
- He's gone!

Eventually, though, I started
to get the hang of my machine.

Handbrake turn.

Hammond!

- What?
- I'm drifting a suitcase.

This is more like
a race track than a shop.

Oh, shit!

Oh, sh...

Can somebody do... This is...
Where's the manager?

This was like this
when we got here.

OK, we could try
and rebuild it, or...

Going to have to rebuild it.

Actually,
genuinely hurt my leg.

Not that you're bothered.

I'm bothered
when you hurt yourself,

which is every time
you get in a moving vehicle.

How bothered are you?
I genuinely have hurt my ankle.

You're not going to get
an air ambulance trip

out of crashing into
some chocolate bars.

Soon, we decided that instead of
rebuilding the Toblerone mountain...

we should use the time
we'd made up having a drink.

Ah!

Sorry!

Oh, God. Um...

Can I have...
Er, sorry about that.

It's... difficult to stop.

Um... What do you want?

Er, I'll have
a gin and tonic.

Two gin and tonics, please.

So, it's a skateboard
with a cordless drill motor,

and then it gets its power
from the laptop batteries?

- And that's really a...
- Yeah. Laptop. It works.

There's my laptop.

That's actually quite clever.

The way we have
to look at it is, yes,

there was a small accident
with the Toblerone,

- and I did kill a man.
- You did.

But other than those minor
drawbacks, I think we're going well.

I mean, when have we ever,
in all of our travels,

stopped for a gin and tonic
at an airport?

Never ever had time
to do that.

Having finished our drinks,

we set off into
the warren of walkways.

This meant I could finally
unleash my suitcase-mobile.

The speeeed!

Oh, rides like a Tesla.

Hello. Ooh, ha.

Enjoying your walk?

Hammond, meanwhile, had
decided to use the travellator.

Yeah.

I'm saving laptop batteries
by doing this.

Just... Oh, no,
hang on a minute.

How am I going to
get off the end of this?

Wait. I'm in reverse.

So I can stay... I'm stationary,
but only cos I'm in reverse.

Um...

If you just stride,
stride, stride, stride. Um...

Having eventually reunited...

Out of the way.

...we arrived
at the departure gate

feeling fresh and calm.

Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see.

Is it gate 88, Hammond?

What? No, mate,
it's this one.

There's no plane!

And on that
terrible disappointment,

back to the tent.

I liked that bit.

I enjoyed that bit.

That was quite hurty.

Right, we know
how his works. I...

I just...
I fell out of a tunnel!

I'm not interested in that. I
want to know how yours works.

Well, it's exactly the same.
It was a cordless

drill motor and some
laptop batteries.

Right, and you're claiming
that has a top speed

of 28 miles an hour?

I was doing 28 when I fell
out of the tunnel.

- Really?
- Yes, 28.

I didn't believe him either,

so when the airport
quietened down a bit,

- we organised a race.
- Yeah, we did. We got some drivers.

I got Abbie
to ride my suitcase.

Yep, and my laptop
was ridden by Aaron Davis,

the second fastest young
skateboarder in Britain,

and you can't get
better than that.

Well... You can.

You can get the fastest,
but I didn't.

Anyway, you didn't.
Who wants to see the race?

- Yes!
- OK, play the tape.

Right, here's Abbie
on my superb suitcase.

And here's Hammond's man
on the laptop.

And now...
let's see what happens.

Three, two, one.

That was exciting.

I think...

Who, here...

Hands up. Who, here, would
like to have one of those

- for going through an airport?
- Yeah, it's the way forward.

There you go.
We're onto something.

- It's the way forwards.
- Just hang on a minute.

Can I just ask, is that
the first race in history

where all of the competitors
crashed before the finish?

- - Probably is, actually.
- Um, probably, yeah.

- Probably is. Yeah.
- And let's not forget

when you used
your inventions,

you fell off quite badly,

you killed a man and then you
drove out of the end of a tunnel.

Yes, I did do that, and I crashed into
those Toblerone, which also hurt, yeah.

So those, those things
you've created

are a complete menace
to the people using them,

and everybody else
in the airport.

- Uh...
- Fair?

- Yeah.
- Yes, that is fair,

actually,
now I come to think of it.

And so, on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Now, next week,
there's a Grand Tour special.

We're attempting to cross
the vast wilderness

that is Mongolia,
using a car that we built -

well, they built - ourselves.

See you then. Take care.

Good night.