All language subtitles for Great.News.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-RARBG-eng

.

[playful music]

- Hey, Mom, I gotta go,
I'm at work now.

- Yeah, me too.
- Oh, hi.

Hi, Mom.
- Yeah, hey.

It's not real Starbucks.

Daddy gave me one of those
Sofia Vergara coffee machines

so I make it in that
and then I put it

in old Starbucks cups.
That's money in my pocket.

- You ready for your
first full day as an intern?

- Ooh, yes, Katie,
it's gonna be so much fun.

Like when I went to
all of third grade with you.

- Yeah, I didn't love that.

- Yeah, me either.
I got a C in math.

- Ugh, of course, Greg finally
starts letting me produce

lead stories, and it's the
slowest news day of the year.

- Well, if you're
looking for a good story--

- Do not say Angie seeing
a ghost down the shore.

- I wasn't going to.

But, Katie,
she really saw him.

- Mom, this is my big shot,
okay?

I just don't want
to screw it up.

- You won't, pumpkin.

Just work hard
and stay focused, like me.

You think it's easy
juggling an internship

and taking care of your father?
Oh, shoot.

I forgot to give him
dinner last night.

- And going to school.
- Yeah.

That's what I was supposed to do
yesterday, damn it!

- Morning, everyone.
Who has segment pitches?

- Oh, before we begin,
I'd like to say a few words.

- Ooh, actually, interns
aren't allowed in this meeting.

- I just want to say

how excited I am to be here.

And I want to thank Greg
for hiring me,

and, oh, Portia
for that great interaction

on the elevator this morning.

- And thank you, Carol,

for your interesting take on
the Black Lives Matter movement.

- And my daughter Katie,
the love of my life.

When she was born,
I needed an episiotomy--

- Okay.
That's good, that's enough.

Mom.
- Okay. Thank you.

[scattered clapping]

- Well, it seems we have
a slow news day on our hands.

CNN is just playing
"Death Becomes Her."

- Ooh, I have a pitch.

Okay, you know the meme
of Kermit drinking root beer?

Okay, well, you know
the rapper Plerp?

[scoffs] Whatever.

I'll just riff
on the housing crisis.

- Okay, Gene,
you can produce that.

- Produce what?

- Oh, the AP is reporting...
- Mom, can you not--

- A black bear
got loose in Central Park.

- Yeah, I'll produce that.

- But it was quickly sedated

and put back in its cage
at the zoo.

Sure, Katie, it's yours.

- No, that's okay, honey,
'cause it sounds dangerous.

Are you sure you had
your thyroid checked?

- Uh, the INS hired
a new Communications Director.

- Katie should produce that.
She has IBS--

not the diarrhea kind,
the kind where you can't--

- No, Mo--he said "INS"!
Come on, Mom.

- Karen, try to be professional.

You can't talk to Carol
that way.

What did I miss?

- Karen has IBS.

- I--do--

[upbeat news broadcast music]

*

Well, this is a total disaster.

It's my mom, she just
humiliated me in a meeting.

She treats me like a baby still.

- Well, you're lucky.
I had to grow up too fast.

I managed a McDonald's
when I was ten.

- I don't know what I expected.

She's always been
a helicopter parent.

You should have seen the first
time I tried to ride a bike.

- Oh, it's okay, baby.

That evil bike is never
gonna hurt you again.

Dave, smash it!

- You got it, dear.

[grunts]

[both grunting]

- And, you know, to this day,

I never learned
how to ride a bike.

- You see?

That there's the problem
with helicopter parenting.

You end up with
emotionally stunted adult kids

who can't do anything
for themselves.

- No way, if I couldn't do
anything for myself,

I'd still be on
my parents' insurance.

But I don't have
any insurance.

Unh.
Oh.

- Come on, you can't even
get around the city by yourself.

You got lost on your way
to my Chilean dance recital.

- Yeah, that's why
I missed that.

- Well, it's okay.
I have a video of it.

[rhythmic clapping]

- That's great.

I wish she would back off
and just let me be an adult.

- Look, if you really want
to be an adult,

you have to set a boundary.

- How do you set a boundary
with a woman

who posts pictures of you
in a bathroom stall

with the caption,
"Stronger than IBS #soproud"?

- Say you're her co-worker now

and you need to be
treated that way.

Just like I told
my little brother at McDonald's.

- Yeah.
You're right.

Okay.
I'll talk to her.

Thanks, Justin.
- Check this out.

I do a cool flip.
[chuckles]

[rhythmic clapping]
[cheers]

- Thank you for coming by.

Unfortunately, I have
some rather difficult news.

- The Geppetto who made you
has passed away?

- Last night,
for the first time ever,

"The Chip and Chet Report"
beat us in the ratings.

- [gasps]
Oh, my God, I love those guys!

They're co-anchors,
but they're also best friends.

- And speaking of
President Francois Hollande,

Chet and I took our wives
on a cruise

down the French Riviera
last summer.

- A slide show of goofy photos
from that trip

after the break.

- Also ahead,
the results of our viewer poll:

should we buy a dog together?

- I hope they say yes.
- Stay with us.

- [chuckles]

- Yeah, that is a great tie.
- It is a great tie.

We should switch ties
after the break.

- The network believes
the reason for our ratings slip

is that viewers...

- Hate Chuck.
- Hate Portia.

both: Best of luck
in your future endeavors.

- Feel that you two
are not friends.

- Oh.
That's because we're not.

- Once, we both crossed
the street to avoid each other,

and we ended up
on the same side of the street.

- Look, the network
is just asking

if you could do
a little friendly banter

at the end of the show.

- Sounds neat.
Thank you, Greg.

- Wow, that is
a massive relief.

- Thank you for ruining the show
and dropping a steamer

on my journalistic integrity!

News is not the place for small
talk and personal opinions.

That's the problem
with journalism today.

It's more about the personality

saying the news
than the news itself!

A real newsman

has no personality.

Walter Cronkite said one thing
at the end of his show.

"And that's the way it is."

Not, "I feel meh today."

Or, uh, "Mm,
I like breakfast for dinner."

I, for one, will not be
betraying the news.

[dramatic music]

I'm not a Benedict Arnold
like you!

- Yeah, Benedict Arnold was the
only one who wasn't a traitor!

- Chuck does have a point.

Except in the digital era,
well-reasoned opinions

are more valuable
than the archaic model

of so-called
"objective journalism."

Also, what's a Walter Conkrite?

[playfully tense music]

*

- Uh-oh.

- Mom.
- Mm-hmm?

- We need to talk.

- Oh, God, you're pregnant.
It's okay.

We'll pretend it's mine,
and tell him you're his sister.

- No, about you being here.

If this is gonna work,
you and I need to

establish some boundaries.

- Well, sounds good.
Tell me more.

- Your hand is up my shirt.

- I'm just making sure you're
not wearing an underwire bra.

I read that they cause
breast cancer--

wait, I don't read.

You know what?
It was a dream.

[chuckles]
- Oh, my--

*

Okay, listen.

When you and I
are at the office,

we are co-workers, okay?

So before you do anything,
just ask yourself,

"Would I do this
to another co-worker?"

- That's not gonna help.

I just rubbed Icy Hot
on Justin's quads.

- Please, Mom, I've worked so
hard to be taken seriously here.

I really need you
to do this for me.

- Okay.
I get it.

You know what?
From now on,

I'm not gonna treat you
like my daughter at work.

No more meddling.

I promise.

- Really?
- Really.

- Wendelson,
your bear escaped again.

They're evacuating the park.

- Oh, my God.

This is like a real story.

If I can sneak in Central Park,

I'll get an exclusive.

- Yeah, but be careful,

it already attacked a woman.

At least, they think
it was a woman.

There was nothing left,
just her blonde hair.

- Wait!

- What, Mom?

*

- Have fun!

.

[playful music]

- "What do you do

"when your daughter is going
to report on a dangerous story

"and you don't want her to go,

"but you promised you wouldn't
treat her like a baby

"in the workplace?

Sincerely, Carol Wendelson."

[dings]

Oh, darn.

- Carol.

I need a favor.

I'm sure you know
why I hired you.

- To organize
the company talent show?

- No.
Please don't do that.

I hired you because
you have a way with Chuck.

Now, the network wants a little
banter at the end of the show,

and I need you
to get him on board.

- Oh.
- All right?

Oh, and have you seen Katie?

I need her to sign a waiver
before she leaves for the park.

- A waiver, what for?

- It's just standard
maim-and-dismemberment form.

The kind that Ron signed
before he died.

- Okay, I'll speak to Chuck

but only if you take my
precious baby off that story.

*

[knocking]

You know what I love?

Chitchat!

- I'm not doing it.

- Chuck, you got to help me.

Greg says that if you don't
do banter on the show,

he's gonna kill my Katie.

- That monster.

But I'm sorry, Carol,
the answer is no.

Banter is undignified
and I won't do it!

- Why are you getting so mad?

Whenever my Katie
used to throw a tantrum,

it was always
about something else.

Are you hungry?
Tired?

Teething?
Scared?

- I'm not scared.

- Ding, ding, ding.

- I'm not.

I'm amazing at banter.
- Mm-hmm.

- I once kept the conversation
going for five hours

at Wolf Blitzer's
birthday party,

and I was the only one
who showed up!

- Oh, what's the problem then?

- Her! Her!

I can't talk to her!

Portia and I
have nothing in common!

When she first started here,

we went to lunch together.

So, did you, uh,
have a nice weekend?

- I did.

This weekend,
I went to go see The Weeknd

at Avicii's pop-up club,
Weekend.

[piano playing gentle music]

*

- That was three years ago.

We haven't had
a conversation since.

- It's hard, you're from
a different generation.

I don't know what anybody's
talking about anymore.

- Me either.

Like, who is Snapchat?
- Ah.

- Is he one of the Minions?

And are they all Pokémen?

- I saw "Hamilton."

I was like, "Huh?"

I mean, George Washington
wasn't black, right?

Or is it one of those things
where you don't know for sure?

You know, like Santa Claus
or Jesus?

- I didn't get it either.

- Maybe you just need experience
talking to young people.

At least I get to practice
with Katie.

God, I love her.

I really hope she doesn't die.

- Right.
Maybe I just need

a little more practice.
- Yes!

You know, there's lots
of young women in the office.

Just trying chatting
with one of them.

- That is a great i--

I'm sorry!

But lesson learned:

don't banter about how someone

has a Puerto Rican ass
for a white girl.

*

- Something wrong, pumpkin?

- Yeah.
I am so mad right now.

- Oh, I know,
but don't be mad at me.

You're all I have in this world.

Well, except your father,
but he's boring.

- Greg gave my story to Gene.

- Oh, it's okay, honey.

Mommy's here.

- He said it was
too dangerous.

What a jerk.

No one believes that women
can do anything.

You know, I once ate
a 150-ounce steak

faster than any man
at Golden Corral.

- Greg is a jerk.

We should throw acid
on him or something.

- Or I could just go
talk to him again.

- No, no, no,
don't do that.

Skunks like Greg, you know,
they never admit they're wrong.

Why don't you
go behind his back?

Take the day off
and go to the movies with me.

- Wait a minute, you're right.

I should go behind his back.

- Great, why don't we see

that new Nancy Meyers movie

where Chris Hemsworth
builds a gazebo

and then marries
a 100-year-old woman?

- No, no, no,
I meant you're right.

I should go rogue
and report my story anyway.

- What?

- I just need
to get rid of Gene.

You know, I'm pretty sure
some of those Jewish holidays

he takes off are made up.

Okay, I'll threaten to tell Greg
that there's no such thing as

Hha Hha Hha Hazad

and you tell Wayne the cameraman
to meet me by the news van.

- Oh, crud.

- What?
- Hmm?

Oh, crud? Oh, it's--
this expression from the '70s.

You know, it means "cool,"
like "boss"

or "can you dig it?"

- Mom, I know I said
I didn't need a mom at work,

but I do.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

[light-hearted music]

*

Oh.
Hi, Mom.

Gene was cool with me
taking the story.

Turns out he had to leave early
anyway for "Rik Machanach."

Yeah.
Let's go, Wayne.

- Yeah.
[clears throat]

Uh-oh, Wendelson,

we got a flat.

- Oh, you have got to be
kidding me!

- Mm-mm.

Damn, that looks
like a puncture.

You know, I bet it was
a nail or a screw.

Now, the smart money
is on a nail

but you can never
count out a screw.

- Oh, that is a shame.
Oh!

Oh, well, Katie,

I guess the only thing
left for us to do now

is shop for seasonal
table runners at HomeGoods.

I'll drive.

- Oh, my God, Mom.
I forgot.

You have a car.
I'll take that to the park.

- Oh, no, no, no,
you know what?

Remember, I took you
off our insurance,

so I could use the money
to buy more boysenberry bombs

on my "Biscuit Blitz" game.

- Fine, then you drive us.

- Oh, crud!

.

- And that's our show.

Tune in tomorrow night when I go
undercover as an ugly person.

- And then we do the banter
and we're out.

Good rehearsal, everybody.
- Whoa, whoa.

Really appreciate you giving
this whole banter thing a go.

- Well, I'm a team player.

- But would you mind
rehearsing it just once?

I mean, I know you can do it,

but just for the guys
in the booth.

- We're actually good
in the booth, Greg.

- Thank you, Richard.

Please, just, one time for me.

[playful music]

- Okay.

- I'll give it a go.

- And that's our show.
Tune in tomorrow night

as I go undercover
as an ugly person.

Hey, bomb suit, Chuck.

It's cis male, but it slays.

- Oh.

I can't do this, Greg.

She is pranking on me.

- Okay, let's take five.

Chuck, you're an accomplished
journalist.

You talk to people
for a living.

Just treat it like an interview.

- I'm amazing at interviews.

I once got Madeleine Albright
to admit

that she was in love
with Boris Yeltsin

and Boris Yeltsin to admit

that he was in love
with Madeleine Albright.

Now, why did I
never set those two up?

*

- And that's our show.
Tune in tomorrow--

- Where were you last night?

- Uh...

I-I was home.
- All night?

You didn't go out at all?

- Oh, well, I went for a run.
- Interesting.

'Cause it was raining
last night,

so that doesn't make
very much sense, does it?

- I went before--
- Does it?

Answer the question, liar!

- I was stealing lipstick
from Duane Reade!

I have a problem, okay?

[crying]

- Uh-oh--

Okay, that one was my bad.

*

- Mom, why are you driving
so slow?

- I'm just being cautious.

- Last week,
you "Tokyo Drifted"

into a Macy's one-day sale.

And wait, why are we on
the east side of the park?

The wire said
the bear was on the west.

- Hey, anybody have a craving
for a Banana Barge

from the Carvel in my town?
- I do.

- Absolutely not!

It's like you don't
want us to get there.

[gasps]
Oh, my God.

You don't want us to get there.

You're meddling because
you think it's too dangerous.

- No, I'm not.
I love dangerous stuff.

Let's go get
skull tattoos right now.

- Hey, Mom?

How'd the news van
get a flat tire?

- I don't know, a nail
or--or a screw.

Right, Wayne?
- Yeah, I think--

- Or a vaguely ethnic
tusk necklace from Chico's!

There's still tire on it.

- Okay, I'm sorry I meddled,
but it's just that,

what if the bear rips out
your uterus

and you can't have children,
Katie?

- [gasps] That's exactly
what Greg said

when he took me off the story.

In retrospect,
it was weird he said that.

You can't keep me
from doing my job.

- Oh, yes, I can.

[car doors lock]

- Oh, the child locks?

Ugh!
Why are you doing this?

- Because I am
not just your co-worker,

I'm your mommy.

- [groans]
It never changes.

You helicopter-parent me
so hard

that I end up getting burned
in a fiery

helicopter-parent crash.
[car horn honking]

- What?
I'm just keeping you safe.

Like I've always kept you safe.

- You kept me
in a gilded cage.

- Oh, please, that was one time.

- You're holding me back,
just like you did when

I was a kid and you wouldn't
let me go to summer camp.

- Because I waited
all school year

to hang out with you.

- Or spring break?

- You could have been
murdered in Aruba.

Dutch guys love you.

- All I'm saying
is that sometimes

when you thought you were
protecting me, you weren't.

And because of that,

I'm not totally prepared
to be an adult.

- You are a great adult.

Except sometimes
you're a jerk to your mom.

I hope you have a daughter,
you'll see.

- No, I won't.

Because a bear's gonna
rip out my uterus right now.

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting my story
whether you like it or not.

[horn honking]

[groaning] Oh, God.

- And how are you gonna get

to the other side
of the park, missy?

'Cause I'm sure as heck
not driving you!

- I'm riding a bike!

- You don't know how!

- Ha!
Yes, I do.

Nope.

- [gasps]

- Nobody help me!
[horn honks]

*

I'm definitely getting better,
though!

.

- All I'm asking for

is a 20-second conversation,

something a toddler could do.

I mean, not me,
I didn't talk till I was nine.

[office phones ringing]

- Well, what's the point?

He's not even trying
to relate to me.

- I did try.
I bought a Plerp album.

- [scoffs]
No one listens to Plerp anymore.

- That was this morning.

- As an experiment, Portia,

maybe you could let Chuck
pick a topic?

- Oh, yeah, let's cater
to the old white guy.

You know, this is why I quit
my podcast with Bernie Sanders.

- Well, look, we must have
something in common.

Uh, how 'bout soup?
I like soup.

- What is soup again?

- You know what soup is!

You're deliberately
being difficult!

- Fine.

I like
"The Chip and Chet Report."

- I have to agree.

You know, I didn't
intend to like them,

but they're really
very charming.

- Did you see
last night's episode?

Pope Francis came
and he blessed their friendship.

- Well, who wouldn't?
- We are trying to beat

"The Chip and Chet Report,"
aren't we?

That is literally
the one thing on Earth

you cannot banter about.

As God is my witness,
we're not leaving this room

until we find one thing
that you both have in common.

- No, I hate it here.
- Great, I love this room.

- Why do you hate me, bike?

[bike clattering]
both: Oh.

- This is, like, impossible.

No wonder Lance Armstrong
had to take steroids.

[yelps]

- Oh, jeez,
maybe I did screw her up.

Angie was right.

Do not tell Angie
I said that, Wayne.

- I don't know
who Angie is, lady.

I don't know who you are.

Uh, I assume an
executive producer or something?

[bike crashes]

- I'm never gonna get
to the other side of the park.

Why don't they make you
with four wheels?

- Oh, all these years
I thought I was protecting her

from things
that she was scared of.

But maybe I was just
protecting her

from things I was scared of.

- Oh, my God.

She is trying to ride it with
her hands on the pedals now.

- Okay, I can't watch
this anymore.

[playful music]

*

- No, Mom,
I'm getting that story

and you can't stop me.

- I'm not gonna stop you,
pumpkin.

I'm gonna teach you

like I should have done
25 years ago.

- Really?

- God sure has a sense of humor.

He gave a nervous Nellie like me

the world's bravest daughter.

#soproud.

[chuckles]

- You know, I do know
how to ride a bike.

Maybe I can just go get
some footage for the story?

- No, I want you to film
my baby's first bike ride.

And then I want you
to ride across the park

and interview that bear--
or whatever.

All right.

I got you.
- Okay, I'm just gonna go slow.

- Here we go.
That's okay.

Good girl, you're doing it.
- Okay, don't let go.

Don't let go, Mom.
- Ooh, ooh, okay, all right.

- Okay, seriously,
don't let go.

- An escaped bear
was subdued and captured

in Central Park today.

"Breakdown" producer
Katie Wendelson

was first on the scene
and got an exclusive interview

with the hero cop
who took the bear down.

- When the bear
grabbed my gun,

yeah, I was terrified.

But then I was like,
"Wait.

Bears can't shoot guns.
They don't have fingers."

But, boy, was I wrong.

- Solid interview, Wendelson.

- Yeah, no thanks to you.

How could you let my mom
convince you

to give away my story?

- She's very persuasive.

Her, Dave, and I
are gonna see

that Nancy Meyers film
together next week.

- Our producer also managed

to obtain exclusive footage

of the hair-raising takedown
of the bear.

- Oh, no, no, please, Greg,

do not show that footage,
I am begging you.

- What are you talking about?

It's great footage.
You're barely in it.

- Mom, look, the bear!
- [gasps] The bear!

- How do you stop this thing?
- I'm coming, honey!

[bear growling]
- Mom!

- I'm coming, honey!
- Did you see the bear?

- I saw the bear!
[bike crashes]

- [laughs]
Ohh!

I needed that.

I'll tell you,
I spent the entire day

looking for something Chuck
and Portia could banter about

for 20 seconds,
and you know what?

I did it.
And it was worth it.

Because in the end, Katie,

no matter how different we are,

we're all human beings,
aren't we?

We all have
a little something in common.

- You didn't tell them
to say that, though, right?

Because that sucked.

- And that's our show.

Tune in tomorrow night
when I go undercover

as an ugly person.

- Hey, Portia,
you know what I love?

Lemonade.

- Really?
Me too.

I-I'm like obsessed.

- Is that right?

With iced tea?

- Huh, I haven't heard
that mash-up.

But you know what,
I have a feeling that

"Lemonade's" gonna bring home
a ton of awards this year.

- Really?
[chuckles]

Well, maybe it's finally
getting the credit it deserves.

- So she thinks
they're talking about

the Beyoncé album...

- And he thinks they're
talking about the drink.

I'm a genius.

*

- [sighs]

What a day.

[sighs]
I sure had an adventure,

but I also learned something.

- Get out of here.

We're not that close yet, Carol.
- Sorry, sir.

We'll get there.