Original subtitles

.

[playful music]

- Hey, Mom, I gotta go, I'm at work now.

- Yeah, me too. - Oh, hi.

Hi, Mom. - Yeah, hey.

It's not real Starbucks.

Daddy gave me one of those Sofia Vergara coffee machines

so I make it in that and then I put it

in old Starbucks cups. That's money in my pocket.

- You ready for your first full day as an intern?

- Ooh, yes, Katie, it's gonna be so much fun.

Like when I went to all of third grade with you.

- Yeah, I didn't love that.

- Yeah, me either. I got a C in math.

- Ugh, of course, Greg finally starts letting me produce

lead stories, and it's the slowest news day of the year.

- Well, if you're looking for a good story--

- Do not say Angie seeing a ghost down the shore.

- I wasn't going to.

But, Katie, she really saw him.

- Mom, this is my big shot, okay?

I just don't want to screw it up.

- You won't, pumpkin.

Just work hard and stay focused, like me.

You think it's easy juggling an internship

and taking care of your father? Oh, shoot.

I forgot to give him dinner last night.

- And going to school. - Yeah.

That's what I was supposed to do yesterday, damn it!

- Morning, everyone. Who has segment pitches?

- Oh, before we begin, I'd like to say a few words.

- Ooh, actually, interns aren't allowed in this meeting.

- I just want to say

how excited I am to be here.

And I want to thank Greg for hiring me,

and, oh, Portia for that great interaction

on the elevator this morning.

- And thank you, Carol,

for your interesting take on the Black Lives Matter movement.

- And my daughter Katie, the love of my life.

When she was born, I needed an episiotomy--

- Okay. That's good, that's enough.

Mom. - Okay. Thank you.

[scattered clapping]

- Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands.

CNN is just playing "Death Becomes Her."

- Ooh, I have a pitch.

Okay, you know the meme of Kermit drinking root beer?

Okay, well, you know the rapper Plerp?

[scoffs] Whatever.

I'll just riff on the housing crisis.

- Okay, Gene, you can produce that.

- Produce what?

- Oh, the AP is reporting... - Mom, can you not--

- A black bear got loose in Central Park.

- Yeah, I'll produce that.

- But it was quickly sedated

and put back in its cage at the zoo.

Sure, Katie, it's yours.

- No, that's okay, honey, 'cause it sounds dangerous.

Are you sure you had your thyroid checked?

- Uh, the INS hired a new Communications Director.

- Katie should produce that. She has IBS--

not the diarrhea kind, the kind where you can't--

- No, Mo--he said "INS"! Come on, Mom.

- Karen, try to be professional.

You can't talk to Carol that way.

What did I miss?

- Karen has IBS.

- I--do--

[upbeat news broadcast music]

*

Well, this is a total disaster.

It's my mom, she just humiliated me in a meeting.

She treats me like a baby still.

- Well, you're lucky. I had to grow up too fast.

I managed a McDonald's when I was ten.

- I don't know what I expected.

She's always been a helicopter parent.

You should have seen the first time I tried to ride a bike.

- Oh, it's okay, baby.

That evil bike is never gonna hurt you again.

Dave, smash it!

- You got it, dear.

[grunts]

[both grunting]

- And, you know, to this day,

I never learned how to ride a bike.

- You see?

That there's the problem with helicopter parenting.

You end up with emotionally stunted adult kids

who can't do anything for themselves.

- No way, if I couldn't do anything for myself,

I'd still be on my parents' insurance.

But I don't have any insurance.

Unh. Oh.

- Come on, you can't even get around the city by yourself.

You got lost on your way to my Chilean dance recital.

- Yeah, that's why I missed that.

- Well, it's okay. I have a video of it.

[rhythmic clapping]

- That's great.

I wish she would back off and just let me be an adult.

- Look, if you really want to be an adult,

you have to set a boundary.

- How do you set a boundary with a woman

who posts pictures of you in a bathroom stall

with the caption, "Stronger than IBS #soproud"?

- Say you're her co-worker now

and you need to be treated that way.

Just like I told my little brother at McDonald's.

- Yeah. You're right.

Okay. I'll talk to her.

Thanks, Justin. - Check this out.

I do a cool flip. [chuckles]

[rhythmic clapping] [cheers]

- Thank you for coming by.

Unfortunately, I have some rather difficult news.

- The Geppetto who made you has passed away?

- Last night, for the first time ever,

"The Chip and Chet Report" beat us in the ratings.

- [gasps] Oh, my God, I love those guys!

They're co-anchors, but they're also best friends.

- And speaking of President Francois Hollande,

Chet and I took our wives on a cruise

down the French Riviera last summer.

- A slide show of goofy photos from that trip

after the break.

- Also ahead, the results of our viewer poll:

should we buy a dog together?

- I hope they say yes. - Stay with us.

- [chuckles]

- Yeah, that is a great tie. - It is a great tie.

We should switch ties after the break.

- The network believes the reason for our ratings slip

is that viewers...

- Hate Chuck. - Hate Portia.

both: Best of luck in your future endeavors.

- Feel that you two are not friends.

- Oh. That's because we're not.

- Once, we both crossed the street to avoid each other,

and we ended up on the same side of the street.

- Look, the network is just asking

if you could do a little friendly banter

at the end of the show.

- Sounds neat. Thank you, Greg.

- Wow, that is a massive relief.

- Thank you for ruining the show and dropping a steamer

on my journalistic integrity!

News is not the place for small talk and personal opinions.

That's the problem with journalism today.

It's more about the personality

saying the news than the news itself!

A real newsman

has no personality.

Walter Cronkite said one thing at the end of his show.

"And that's the way it is."

Not, "I feel meh today."

Or, uh, "Mm, I like breakfast for dinner."

I, for one, will not be betraying the news.

[dramatic music]

I'm not a Benedict Arnold like you!

- Yeah, Benedict Arnold was the only one who wasn't a traitor!

- Chuck does have a point.

Except in the digital era, well-reasoned opinions

are more valuable than the archaic model

of so-called "objective journalism."

Also, what's a Walter Conkrite?

[playfully tense music]

*

- Uh-oh.

- Mom. - Mm-hmm?

- We need to talk.

- Oh, God, you're pregnant. It's okay.

We'll pretend it's mine, and tell him you're his sister.

- No, about you being here.

If this is gonna work, you and I need to

establish some boundaries.

- Well, sounds good. Tell me more.

- Your hand is up my shirt.

- I'm just making sure you're not wearing an underwire bra.

I read that they cause breast cancer--

wait, I don't read.

You know what? It was a dream.

[chuckles] - Oh, my--

*

Okay, listen.

When you and I are at the office,

we are co-workers, okay?

So before you do anything, just ask yourself,

"Would I do this to another co-worker?"

- That's not gonna help.

I just rubbed Icy Hot on Justin's quads.

- Please, Mom, I've worked so hard to be taken seriously here.

I really need you to do this for me.

- Okay. I get it.

You know what? From now on,

I'm not gonna treat you like my daughter at work.

No more meddling.

I promise.

- Really? - Really.

- Wendelson, your bear escaped again.

They're evacuating the park.

- Oh, my God.

This is like a real story.

If I can sneak in Central Park,

I'll get an exclusive.

- Yeah, but be careful,

it already attacked a woman.

At least, they think it was a woman.

There was nothing left, just her blonde hair.

- Wait!

- What, Mom?

*

- Have fun!

.

[playful music]

- "What do you do

"when your daughter is going to report on a dangerous story

"and you don't want her to go,

"but you promised you wouldn't treat her like a baby

"in the workplace?

Sincerely, Carol Wendelson."

[dings]

Oh, darn.

- Carol.

I need a favor.

I'm sure you know why I hired you.

- To organize the company talent show?

- No. Please don't do that.

I hired you because you have a way with Chuck.

Now, the network wants a little banter at the end of the show,

and I need you to get him on board.

- Oh. - All right?

Oh, and have you seen Katie?

I need her to sign a waiver before she leaves for the park.

- A waiver, what for?

- It's just standard maim-and-dismemberment form.

The kind that Ron signed before he died.

- Okay, I'll speak to Chuck

but only if you take my precious baby off that story.

*

[knocking]

You know what I love?

Chitchat!

- I'm not doing it.

- Chuck, you got to help me.

Greg says that if you don't do banter on the show,

he's gonna kill my Katie.

- That monster.

But I'm sorry, Carol, the answer is no.

Banter is undignified and I won't do it!

- Why are you getting so mad?

Whenever my Katie used to throw a tantrum,

it was always about something else.

Are you hungry? Tired?

Teething? Scared?

- I'm not scared.

- Ding, ding, ding.

- I'm not.

I'm amazing at banter. - Mm-hmm.

- I once kept the conversation going for five hours

at Wolf Blitzer's birthday party,

and I was the only one who showed up!

- Oh, what's the problem then?

- Her! Her!

I can't talk to her!

Portia and I have nothing in common!

When she first started here,

we went to lunch together.

So, did you, uh, have a nice weekend?

- I did.

This weekend, I went to go see The Weeknd

at Avicii's pop-up club, Weekend.

[piano playing gentle music]

*

- That was three years ago.

We haven't had a conversation since.

- It's hard, you're from a different generation.

I don't know what anybody's talking about anymore.

- Me either.

Like, who is Snapchat? - Ah.

- Is he one of the Minions?

And are they all Pokémen?

- I saw "Hamilton."

I was like, "Huh?"

I mean, George Washington wasn't black, right?

Or is it one of those things where you don't know for sure?

You know, like Santa Claus or Jesus?

- I didn't get it either.

- Maybe you just need experience talking to young people.

At least I get to practice with Katie.

God, I love her.

I really hope she doesn't die.

- Right. Maybe I just need

a little more practice. - Yes!

You know, there's lots of young women in the office.

Just trying chatting with one of them.

- That is a great i--

I'm sorry!

But lesson learned:

don't banter about how someone

has a Puerto Rican ass for a white girl.

*

- Something wrong, pumpkin?

- Yeah. I am so mad right now.

- Oh, I know, but don't be mad at me.

You're all I have in this world.

Well, except your father, but he's boring.

- Greg gave my story to Gene.

- Oh, it's okay, honey.

Mommy's here.

- He said it was too dangerous.

What a jerk.

No one believes that women can do anything.

You know, I once ate a 150-ounce steak

faster than any man at Golden Corral.

- Greg is a jerk.

We should throw acid on him or something.

- Or I could just go talk to him again.

- No, no, no, don't do that.

Skunks like Greg, you know, they never admit they're wrong.

Why don't you go behind his back?

Take the day off and go to the movies with me.

- Wait a minute, you're right.

I should go behind his back.

- Great, why don't we see

that new Nancy Meyers movie

where Chris Hemsworth builds a gazebo

and then marries a 100-year-old woman?

- No, no, no, I meant you're right.

I should go rogue and report my story anyway.

- What?

- I just need to get rid of Gene.

You know, I'm pretty sure some of those Jewish holidays

he takes off are made up.

Okay, I'll threaten to tell Greg that there's no such thing as

Hha Hha Hha Hazad

and you tell Wayne the cameraman to meet me by the news van.

- Oh, crud.

- What? - Hmm?

Oh, crud? Oh, it's-- this expression from the '70s.

You know, it means "cool," like "boss"

or "can you dig it?"

- Mom, I know I said I didn't need a mom at work,

but I do.

- Oh. - Thank you.

[light-hearted music]

*

Oh. Hi, Mom.

Gene was cool with me taking the story.

Turns out he had to leave early anyway for "Rik Machanach."

Yeah. Let's go, Wayne.

- Yeah. [clears throat]

Uh-oh, Wendelson,

we got a flat.

- Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

- Mm-mm.

Damn, that looks like a puncture.

You know, I bet it was a nail or a screw.

Now, the smart money is on a nail

but you can never count out a screw.

- Oh, that is a shame. Oh!

Oh, well, Katie,

I guess the only thing left for us to do now

is shop for seasonal table runners at HomeGoods.

I'll drive.

- Oh, my God, Mom. I forgot.

You have a car. I'll take that to the park.

- Oh, no, no, no, you know what?

Remember, I took you off our insurance,

so I could use the money to buy more boysenberry bombs

on my "Biscuit Blitz" game.

- Fine, then you drive us.

- Oh, crud!

.

- And that's our show.

Tune in tomorrow night when I go undercover as an ugly person.

- And then we do the banter and we're out.

Good rehearsal, everybody. - Whoa, whoa.

Really appreciate you giving this whole banter thing a go.

- Well, I'm a team player.

- But would you mind rehearsing it just once?

I mean, I know you can do it,

but just for the guys in the booth.

- We're actually good in the booth, Greg.

- Thank you, Richard.

Please, just, one time for me.

[playful music]

- Okay.

- I'll give it a go.

- And that's our show. Tune in tomorrow night

as I go undercover as an ugly person.

Hey, bomb suit, Chuck.

It's cis male, but it slays.

- Oh.

I can't do this, Greg.

She is pranking on me.

- Okay, let's take five.

Chuck, you're an accomplished journalist.

You talk to people for a living.

Just treat it like an interview.

- I'm amazing at interviews.

I once got Madeleine Albright to admit

that she was in love with Boris Yeltsin

and Boris Yeltsin to admit

that he was in love with Madeleine Albright.

Now, why did I never set those two up?

*

- And that's our show. Tune in tomorrow--

- Where were you last night?

- Uh...

I-I was home. - All night?

You didn't go out at all?

- Oh, well, I went for a run. - Interesting.

'Cause it was raining last night,

so that doesn't make very much sense, does it?

- I went before-- - Does it?

Answer the question, liar!

- I was stealing lipstick from Duane Reade!

I have a problem, okay?

[crying]

- Uh-oh--

Okay, that one was my bad.

*

- Mom, why are you driving so slow?

- I'm just being cautious.

- Last week, you "Tokyo Drifted"

into a Macy's one-day sale.

And wait, why are we on the east side of the park?

The wire said the bear was on the west.

- Hey, anybody have a craving for a Banana Barge

from the Carvel in my town? - I do.

- Absolutely not!

It's like you don't want us to get there.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

You don't want us to get there.

You're meddling because you think it's too dangerous.

- No, I'm not. I love dangerous stuff.

Let's go get skull tattoos right now.

- Hey, Mom?

How'd the news van get a flat tire?

- I don't know, a nail or--or a screw.

Right, Wayne? - Yeah, I think--

- Or a vaguely ethnic tusk necklace from Chico's!

There's still tire on it.

- Okay, I'm sorry I meddled, but it's just that,

what if the bear rips out your uterus

and you can't have children, Katie?

- [gasps] That's exactly what Greg said

when he took me off the story.

In retrospect, it was weird he said that.

You can't keep me from doing my job.

- Oh, yes, I can.

[car doors lock]

- Oh, the child locks?

Ugh! Why are you doing this?

- Because I am not just your co-worker,

I'm your mommy.

- [groans] It never changes.

You helicopter-parent me so hard

that I end up getting burned in a fiery

helicopter-parent crash. [car horn honking]

- What? I'm just keeping you safe.

Like I've always kept you safe.

- You kept me in a gilded cage.

- Oh, please, that was one time.

- You're holding me back, just like you did when

I was a kid and you wouldn't let me go to summer camp.

- Because I waited all school year

to hang out with you.

- Or spring break?

- You could have been murdered in Aruba.

Dutch guys love you.

- All I'm saying is that sometimes

when you thought you were protecting me, you weren't.

And because of that,

I'm not totally prepared to be an adult.

- You are a great adult.

Except sometimes you're a jerk to your mom.

I hope you have a daughter, you'll see.

- No, I won't.

Because a bear's gonna rip out my uterus right now.

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting my story whether you like it or not.

[horn honking]

[groaning] Oh, God.

- And how are you gonna get

to the other side of the park, missy?

'Cause I'm sure as heck not driving you!

- I'm riding a bike!

- You don't know how!

- Ha! Yes, I do.

Nope.

- [gasps]

- Nobody help me! [horn honks]

*

I'm definitely getting better, though!

.

- All I'm asking for

is a 20-second conversation,

something a toddler could do.

I mean, not me, I didn't talk till I was nine.

[office phones ringing]

- Well, what's the point?

He's not even trying to relate to me.

- I did try. I bought a Plerp album.

- [scoffs] No one listens to Plerp anymore.

- That was this morning.

- As an experiment, Portia,

maybe you could let Chuck pick a topic?

- Oh, yeah, let's cater to the old white guy.

You know, this is why I quit my podcast with Bernie Sanders.

- Well, look, we must have something in common.

Uh, how 'bout soup? I like soup.

- What is soup again?

- You know what soup is!

You're deliberately being difficult!

- Fine.

I like "The Chip and Chet Report."

- I have to agree.

You know, I didn't intend to like them,

but they're really very charming.

- Did you see last night's episode?

Pope Francis came and he blessed their friendship.

- Well, who wouldn't? - We are trying to beat

"The Chip and Chet Report," aren't we?

That is literally the one thing on Earth

you cannot banter about.

As God is my witness, we're not leaving this room

until we find one thing that you both have in common.

- No, I hate it here. - Great, I love this room.

- Why do you hate me, bike?

[bike clattering] both: Oh.

- This is, like, impossible.

No wonder Lance Armstrong had to take steroids.

[yelps]

- Oh, jeez, maybe I did screw her up.

Angie was right.

Do not tell Angie I said that, Wayne.

- I don't know who Angie is, lady.

I don't know who you are.

Uh, I assume an executive producer or something?

[bike crashes]

- I'm never gonna get to the other side of the park.

Why don't they make you with four wheels?

- Oh, all these years I thought I was protecting her

from things that she was scared of.

But maybe I was just protecting her

from things I was scared of.

- Oh, my God.

She is trying to ride it with her hands on the pedals now.

- Okay, I can't watch this anymore.

[playful music]

*

- No, Mom, I'm getting that story

and you can't stop me.

- I'm not gonna stop you, pumpkin.

I'm gonna teach you

like I should have done 25 years ago.

- Really?

- God sure has a sense of humor.

He gave a nervous Nellie like me

the world's bravest daughter.

#soproud.

[chuckles]

- You know, I do know how to ride a bike.

Maybe I can just go get some footage for the story?

- No, I want you to film my baby's first bike ride.

And then I want you to ride across the park

and interview that bear-- or whatever.

All right.

I got you. - Okay, I'm just gonna go slow.

- Here we go. That's okay.

Good girl, you're doing it. - Okay, don't let go.

Don't let go, Mom. - Ooh, ooh, okay, all right.

- Okay, seriously, don't let go.

- An escaped bear was subdued and captured

in Central Park today.

"Breakdown" producer Katie Wendelson

was first on the scene and got an exclusive interview

with the hero cop who took the bear down.

- When the bear grabbed my gun,

yeah, I was terrified.

But then I was like, "Wait.

Bears can't shoot guns. They don't have fingers."

But, boy, was I wrong.

- Solid interview, Wendelson.

- Yeah, no thanks to you.

How could you let my mom convince you

to give away my story?

- She's very persuasive.

Her, Dave, and I are gonna see

that Nancy Meyers film together next week.

- Our producer also managed

to obtain exclusive footage

of the hair-raising takedown of the bear.

- Oh, no, no, please, Greg,

do not show that footage, I am begging you.

- What are you talking about?

It's great footage. You're barely in it.

- Mom, look, the bear! - [gasps] The bear!

- How do you stop this thing? - I'm coming, honey!

[bear growling] - Mom!

- I'm coming, honey! - Did you see the bear?

- I saw the bear! [bike crashes]

- [laughs] Ohh!

I needed that.

I'll tell you, I spent the entire day

looking for something Chuck and Portia could banter about

for 20 seconds, and you know what?

I did it. And it was worth it.

Because in the end, Katie,

no matter how different we are,

we're all human beings, aren't we?

We all have a little something in common.

- You didn't tell them to say that, though, right?

Because that sucked.

- And that's our show.

Tune in tomorrow night when I go undercover

as an ugly person.

- Hey, Portia, you know what I love?

Lemonade.

- Really? Me too.

I-I'm like obsessed.

- Is that right?

With iced tea?

- Huh, I haven't heard that mash-up.

But you know what, I have a feeling that

"Lemonade's" gonna bring home a ton of awards this year.

- Really? [chuckles]

Well, maybe it's finally getting the credit it deserves.

- So she thinks they're talking about

the Beyoncé album...

- And he thinks they're talking about the drink.

I'm a genius.

*

- [sighs]

What a day.

[sighs] I sure had an adventure,

but I also learned something.

- Get out of here.

We're not that close yet, Carol. - Sorry, sir.

We'll get there.