All language subtitles for Black Adder 5x01

Well, isn't this splendid
and absolutely tufty?

New Year's Eve 1999,
a new century and a new millennium.

Let's drink a great big slurpy toast
to global peace and understanding.

Bravo! After all, if history
teaches us anything,

it is that,
in the words of St. Burt,

"What the world needs now,
is love, sweet love."

- Hear, hear.
- Total codswallop.

If history has taught us anything,
it is that the story of man

is one long round
of death and torture,

and burning people as witches
just because they've got a wart.

I'm sorry about the food
by the way.

Unfortunately, my cook got invited to
an orgy at Delia Smith's house,

and so our chef for this evening is
the man who empties the septic tank.

Baldrick!

My Lord?

God save us.

I trust you're all
enjoying your food.

No, we're not actually, Baldrick.
What is this we're eating?

It tastes as if someone
with a bad chest cold

has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin
to loosen the phlegm,

and then coughed all over
an avocado.

Well, funny you should say that, sir,
because...

Yes, all right, Baldrick.
Yes, thank you. You may go now.

I believe you've got some
other duties to attend to.

Oh, yes.
Excuse me please, everybody.

Oh my...

Now, where were we?

We were bally well
toasting the future.

Yes, and it might also be
a perfect time to look to the past.

How on earth
can one look at the past?

You can't see something
that's already happened.

- Unless you're on the lavatory.
- Good point, Bish.

Yes, or unless one's got
a time machine.

- How likely is that?
- Well, very likely actually, Darling,

because I've just built one.

Stuff and stonsense! I've heard
some rubbish in my time.

Every time I open my mouth, as
a matter of fact, but a time machine?

It's just... just... cobblers.

I can assure you it is not.

This is an original sketchbook
by Leonardo da Vinci.

And this year, I built a time machine
to his exact specifications.

Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest
breakthrough in travel

since Mr. Rodney Tricycle
thought to himself,

"I'm bored with walking,
I think I'll invent a machine

with three wheels and a bell,
and name it after myself."

Behold, the time machine.

Well, glaze my nipples
and call me Rita!

- It can't be real! A joke, surely.
- Certainly not.

When did I last play
a practical joke?

Well, when you said
you were dying of kidney failure,

and I donated you
one of my kidneys

and then you said it was an April fool
and we had to throw my kidney away.

Well, yes, there has been the odd
hilarious practical joke.

But not this time.
This is a working time machine.

And to prove it,
I suggest a wager.

I will bet you each 10,000 pounds

that I can travel through time
and bring back

any items of historical interest
which you choose to nominate.

- Darling?
- Yes, all right.

Yes, if you can travel through time,
I'll pay up,

so long as you bring back a...
genuine Roman centurion's helmet.

Very well,
a Roman centurion's helmet.

No no, that's much too easy,
What about the actual wellingtons

actually worn by Wellington

on the day he won
the battle of Waterloo.

Lady Elizabeth would like the

actual wellingtons worn by
the Duke of Wellington

on the day he won
the Battle of Waterloo,

- Anyone else?
- Oh, yes. Yes, I've got one.

I want you to get,
I'd like to see you get these,

an ancient reeking stinking pair
of 200 year old underpants.

18th century botty-huggers,
that's the ticket.

Very well,
I shall be on my way.

It will of course,
take no time at all, in your time.

I shall merely step in,
there will be a momentary shuddering,

and I will emerge triumphant.

Farewell, dear friends.

Well done, Balders. Very impressive,
I'm sorry I didn't build it myself.

Don't worry, my Lord, I followed
DaVinci's instructions to the letter.

Even if you can't actually read.

That's right, but I have done
a lot of Airfix models in my time.

Right, so we've got
the centurion's helmet. Jolly good.

And the boots. Excellent.

- The underpants, where are they?
- Here you are, my Lord.

They're my very best pair,
and coincidently, also my very worst.

- So they're, in fact, your only pair.
- That's right, my Lord.

Stick them in the bag.

Struth!

- Right, let's get this stuff going.
- Right, my Lord.

Yes, right.
Shake it about a bit,

make it look real. The best
New Year's Eve prank ever.

Here we go. You hide there.
30,000 pounds, here I come.

Right, interesting.

- What's happening, my Lord?
- Well...

For God's sake,
do something, Baldrick!

Something useful.

Come on throw something!
Shoo! Go on, go away!

Sod off!

Try the underpants.

A bloody brontosaurus!

- Him, not me.
- What?

Sniff my skids!

Fascinating. One of history's
great mysteries solved.

The dinosaurs were in fact,
wiped out by your pants.

Well, Balders,
this is a turn up for the books.

You've built a working time machine,
and are therefore, very surprisingly,

- the greatest genius who's ever lived.
- Thank you, my Lord.

- Right, let's get out of here.
- No problem, my Lord.

Can you set the date
so we can get home?

Yes, I just turn that, pull that,
reset that there,

pull this lever like that,
and the date should come up.

But unfortunately it doesn't because
I was going to write the numbers on

- in pen but I never got round to it.
- Right.

So the date we're heading for is
two water melons and some cherries.

That's right, my Lord.

- In other words, we can't get home.
- Not as such.

Excellent.

Rather a spectacular return to form
after the genius moment, Baldrick.

Still, some common sense
should be able to resolve this.

We've just got to put the controls
back where they were when we set off.

I think that was about there,

these were here and here.
There.

And that should get us home.

Excellent. You threw away our items,
Baldrick, but at least we're home.

Typical! They must have got bored
and gone back for pudding.

Right, now you're not
going to believe this...

Ah, Lord Blackadder.

Elizabeth... the first?

You're wearing very weird clothes,

and you look rather
old and ugly, actually.

- Is that right?
- Of course it's right.

- I'm always right.
- Of course it's right.

- Melchy,
- Ma'am?

Edmund's being very cheeky.

Shall I laugh at him,
or chop his ugly head off?

Well, I do think choppy choppy
is the only apt reaction.

Very well.
Kill him!

Unless of course, Eddy,
you've got a present for me.

A present?

Yes, certainly, Your Majesty.

A present...

Quickly, I'm getting bored now.

Yes. Now...

- These may not look much...
- They don't.

No. But... let's say...

Let's say there was a place where
you could buy absolutely everything.

We already have those, Blackadder,
and they're called markets.

Right. Well imagine that,
but times ten.

As it were, a "super" market.

Now if you gave someone at
one of these "super" markets,

this,

he would give you
some "bonus points."

Which would mean
that once a month

you could buy a tin of baked beans
at half the normal price.

Kill him!

No wait! There must be...

- What are they?
- Oh, they are just sort of sweets.

Minty things.

I want one!

Yes, Your Majesty.

Oh, it's got a hole in it.

No they're meant to be like that,
that's how they're made.

Blackie, you're so naughty!

It's the tastiest thing
in the history of the world.

Try one, Melchy.

- What do you think?
- Yes, indeed, Ma'am, most pleasant.

This is incredible,
because you know, Melchy,

you usually smell like
you've eaten a stoat for breakfast.

Yes, I am aware I have a less than
orthodox mouth odour, Ma'am.

You don't smell like that anymore,
you smell absolutely yummy now,

and not at all like a turd.

- Oh, what a pity.
- Well done, Blackie!

Here, take this, you sexy flirt.

- Thank you, Ma'am.
- Now...

go forth and bring back
lots more minty things

in the next five minutes,

or I'll come after you
and crush your skull like an egg.

Certainly, Your Majesty. I'll be
right back. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am sorry.

Wait a minute,

- you're not...
- Will Shakespeare, yes.

Don't say it, you hated
"Two Gentlemen of Verona".

- This one's much better.
- Well, bugger my giddy aunt.

You couldn't just sign something
for me, could you?

Certainly.

I'm sorry it's just a Biro.

Thank you.
Oh, and just one more thing...

That's for every schoolboy and
schoolgirl for the next 400 years.

Have you any idea how much
suffering you're going to cause?

Hours spent at school desks
trying to find one joke in

"A Midsummer Night's Dream",

years wearing stupid tights
in school plays

and saying things like
"What ho, my Lord." and

"Oh look, here comes Othello
talking total crap as usual."

Oh, and...

that's for Kenneth Brannagh's endless
4 hour uncut version of"Hamlet".

Who's Ken Brannagh?

I'll tell him you said that,
and I think he'll be very hurt.

- Let's get out of here, Balders.
- Certainly.

By the way, if we ever
get out of this alive,

- Yes, my Lord?
- Remind me to kill you, will you?

Alright, my Lord.

Now, it was down here when
we were at the dinosaurs,

it's in the middle now,
so why don't we try here?

That should do the trick.

Erm, yes. I suspect that's
a little too far forward.

Back, back, back!

Oh, God, where are we now?

Oh dear, do you think it's safe?

I don't know. Does this look
dangerous to you, Baldrick?

This empty wood?

Well, well, what have we here?
My tough band of freedom fighters,

who have good muscle tone
and aren't gay.

Oh, God.

Look lads,
we've captured Lord Blackadder.

Wait a minute,
are you Robin Hood?

Am I Robin Hood?

Is Will Scarlet a puff in tights?

Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard
with a ridiculous haircut?

Is Maid Marion
a hot little honey

- with thighs like a nutcracker?
- Yes, I am.

- Woof!
- Woof!

- Woof!
- Woof!

It's nice to meet you,
at last,

because there's one question
I've always wanted to ask you.

Fire away! Before I impale
you with my magnificent weapon.

And I don't mean
my enormous...

- Yes, I know.
- Oh, right, sorry.

What puzzles me is this:
You rob from the rich?

- Yeah!
- That's right, yeah!

And then when you've robbed the rich,
you give it all to the poor.

- Yes!
- I love giving it to the poor!

- Woof!
- Woof!

Now that's the bit
I don't understand.

- You men risk your lives in combat,
- Yes!

- Risk certain death if you're caught,
- Yes.

You live here in this forest
in total squalor.

I hate to think what the toilets
are like round here.

- Not very nice, actually.
- And yet you still give every penny

to these, so-called poor

who just sit on their backsides
all day...

- Shut up now.
...laughing at you, saying,

"Oh no need to go to work today,

Robin Hood and his merry men
will come soon with a pile of cash."

I said shut up!

I'm surprised they don't call you
Robin Hood and his bunch of lunatics.

Right, that is it!

Shoot him, boys.
I'm great and he's not.

Robin Hood and his
band of merry morons.

Ready... aim...

...fire!

Can I say that I think you made
the right decision.

So do I, gorgeous.

Ding dong!

Well, Maid Marion
was pretty friendly.

So was Will Scarlet,
a really nice guy.

Still, the sooner we get home
the better.

We've started to affect history,
and that's dangerous.

We've already wiped out
the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood.

God only knows
what's going to happen next time.

My Lord Emperor,
I, the Duc de Darling, bring news.

The English have reached Waterloo.

- Good. Prepare to attack.
- Very well.

But first, I would like to ask,

why do we want
to invade Britain in the first place?

I mean, their wine is made
of the peepee of cows,

and their women
all have big beards.

We invade, Darling, because
the British think they are so tough.

They think we French are sissies,

they call us weeds and whoopsies
and big girl's blouses.

With respect, my emperor,
we are whoopsies.

We invented the tapestry, the souffl�
and the sweet liqueur.

We will be slaughtered
the minute we mince up the hill.

Do not despair. It is my firm belief
that God hates the British.

He will intervene miraculously

and send us a glorious victory
on this field of Waterloo.

Oh, bravo!

- Lovely uniform today, by the way.
- Oh, thank you. I think it works.

The French are approaching.

Excellent, I've a superb plan
which can't fail to result in

the complete destruction
of the French army.

Splendid. Tell me, and
I'll spread the news to the troops.

Very well. The plan is...

God, I'm brilliant, I surprise myself
sometimes. The plan is...

to allow the French within
100 yards of us, and then...

And this is
the completely brilliant part...

- Yes?
- Then...

Your Grace!

- The Duke of Wellington is dead!
- Whoops.

Alas. Without the plan
the day is lost.

Pardon me.

Thanks very much.

May as well try and win
that cash anyway.

Why don't we try
pressing this button?

Well, fingers crossed.

- What can you see, Balders?
- People in very short skirts, my Lord.

Excellent. The 1960s,
at last, we're getting close.

I might stay a while actually
for a bit of hippy free love.

Free love wouldn't make
any difference to you, Balders.

I mean, what would a sheep
do with money?

Not girls in skirts, my Lord,
men.

Ah, Spandau Ballet, 1983.

I think not, my Lord.

Romans! We're still centuries out.
Come on, let's go.

Although, I might just steal myself
a Roman helmet while we're here.

Interesting. The machine seems to
be seeking out our DNA across time.

- Just brilliant!
- What, oh centurion?

We're facing a hoard
of ginger maniacs

with wild goats nesting in their
huge orange beards,

or to put it another way,
the Scots.

And how does our
inspired leader Hadrian

intend to keep out
this vast army of lunatics?

By building a 3 foot-high wall.

A terrifying obstacle,
about as frightening

as a little rabbit with the word
"Boo" painted on its nose.

Oh, come now, centurion,
I won't have that.

This wall is a terrific
defence mechanism.

You're surely not suggesting
a rabble of Scots

could get the better
of Roman soldiers.

- Welcome, General.
- Splendid.

Good to see you practising
your English, Georgius.

- Did you hear that, Balders?
- I certainly did, Centurion.

Back to Rome, at last.

I say, this is interesting.

There appears to be a large
orange hedge moving towards us.

Oh, that's not a hedge, Consul.
That's the Scots.

- Shall we run, my Lord?
- Yes.

Perhaps we could negotiate.

Last one there gets hacked to pieces
by Rod Stewart's great grandfather!

- Let's get home, Baldrick.
- But we don't know where home is.

We're doomed to float though time
for all time.

Oh, woe is me!

Shut up. There is one final thing
to push which may be our salvation.

Or not.
Because it is in fact, a lollipop.

- Raspberry flavoured, my Lord.
- Oh, God.

I'm going to spend the rest
of my life in a small wooden room

with two toilets,
and the stupidest man in the world.

Wait, my Lord. Don't despair,

for I have a cunning plan.

- I'm not optimistic, Baldrick.
- To be quite frank, my Lord,

neither am I, my family have
never been very good at plans.

So, with suitably low expectations,
what is your cunning plan?

Well, you know are when people drown,
their life flashes in front of them?

Yes...

Well, if you stuck your head
in a bucket of water,

and didn't bring it out again,

then your whole life
would flash in front of you,

and you'd see where all the knobs
and levers were when we set off.

Then, if you pulled
your head out again

just before you died,
you could guide us home.

- Baldrick.
- My Lord,

Good plan, with perhaps just
one tiny modification.

- How's it going?
- I'm 18 years old,

- I've just left nursery school.
- Okey dokey.

I'm 25,
I'm back at nursery school.

- Got it!
- Very good.

But I wish
I'd flushed the loo first.

Oh, yeah.

As we approach the end, my Lord,

what do you think we've
learnt on our great journey?

Good question, Baldrick.
I suppose I've learned that I must

buy you a stronger mouthwash
for Christmas. How about you?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose I've learnt that humans
have always been the same,

some nice, some nasty,
some clever, some stupid,

there's always a Blackadder,
and there's always a Baldrick.

Yes, very profound, Baldrick.

- Also, it occurs to me...
- God, there's not more is there?

If you're in the right place
at the right time, then every person

has the power to go out
and change the world for the better.

God, you really are as thick
as clotted cream

that's been left out by some clot
until the clot are so clotted up

that you couldn't unclot them
with an electric de-clotter.

Aren't you Baldrick?
Real change comes from huge

socio-economic things
that individuals have no effect on.

Unless you're King
or Prime Minister or something.

Yes, I suppose they can
make a difference.

But for the rest of us, all we can do
in life is try to make a bit of cash.

Which is what I intend
to do right now.

Hang on...

Did you see?

Good Lord, Blackadder,
what happened there?

Yes, everything went
sort of squiggly.

I have in fact,
returned from the past.

You surely don't expect us
to believe that, Blackadder.

Clearly that was all some sort of
cheap conjuring trick.

On the contrary, Darling.

Well, bravo,
with big brass bells on!

And as a little bonus, the crown
of Elizabeth I of England.

Oh, fine!

- It fits!
- Well done, Blackadder.

But tell me, all this stuff about
changing history with time travel,

you must have had to be
damnsome careful.

Oh, I was, very careful.

So, Blackadder, tell us, did you
hang out with any big time celebs?

Well, yes actually. This belonged to,
none other than, Robin Hood.

Who?

- Robin Hood.
- Never heard of him.

You'll have to do
better than that Blackadder.

Right. So you've never heard
of Robin Hood?

No.

Well, this is the title page
for "Macbeth",

signed by Shakespeare himself.

No, no, come on,
you've heard of Shakespeare.

He's the fellow who invented
the ballpoint pen.

Yes, well I might have affected
a few things, but nothing important.

Well, never mind, Blackadder.
You've certainly won your bet.

So here's your 10,000 francs.
And jolly well-deserved, too.

What do you mean, francs?

What do you mean,
"What do I mean, francs?"

Surely you mean 10,000 pounds.

Pounds? We haven't used those
for 200 years,

not since the emperor Napoleon
won the Battle of Waterloo.

Which reminds me,
it's time to get to the TV.

Monsieur le Pr�sident will be
broadcasting from Versailles.

Are you coming?

No, I might just
go on one final little trip.

No, don't go you have had any
delicious garlic pudding.

After which, I'm going to do
"un petit peu de ballet."

Allons enfants de la patrie,
le jour de gloire,,,

Right, that's it!

Come on, Balders,
we've got save Britain.

I thought I'd drop in
to wish you good luck.

You can't lose.
Hello, Darling.

There's one question
I've always wanted to ask you.

- Yes?
- How come you're so great?

Because I'm me.

- I'm a very big fan, Bill.
- Thank you.

Keep up the good work.
King Lear, very funny.

Good Lord, Blackadder,
what happened there?

- Well, Bravo!
- And here,

a front page of"Macbeth"
signed by Shakespeare himself.

- Oh my God!
- That's better.

Well done, Blackadder.

But tell me, all this stuff about
changing history through time travel,

you must have had to be
damnsome careful.

Oh, I was,
very, very careful.

Intriguing thought, isn't it?
The smallest thing can change history.

Imagine if Wellington had died
before Waterloo, we'd be French!

Or if someone hadn't invented
deodorant, we'd all be smelly.

The tiniest thing can affect
the course of human history.

Think what turmoil
an unscrupulous person could wreak.

Yes.

Could you excuse me
just five seconds?

Yes, absolutely.

Why don't you just go upstairs
and watch television?

- I'll be back very very soon.
- Oh, splendid!

But hurry, Blackadder.
Don't miss the shindig at midnight.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Baldrick, I have
a very very very cunning plan.

As cunning as a fox what used to be
a professor of cunning

at Oxford University
but has moved on, and now works

for the UN at the High Commission
of International Cunning Planning?

Yes, it is.

That's cunning.

Right, here goes.

And now excitement is reaching
fever pitch

as the final guest of honour
arrives at the dome,

Many of the crowds have been here
for up to 36 hours

waiting for this moment, and
I'm sure they won't be disappointed

as the great car sweeps into view,
because here, at last, is

the King himself,
King Edmund the third,

Universally loved, 98%
approval rating across the country,

And with him, his gorgeous new bride,
Queen Marion of Sherwood,

the nation's most famous beauty,
beloved by all,

And here to greet them
is the Prime Minister,

unmarried of course, but now
entering his fifth term of office,

The relationship between the king
and his first minister

particularly close nowadays since the
dissolution of Parliament 2 years ago,

And what a partnership they've become,
leading Britain magnificently

into a prosperous
and triumphant new millennium.