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1
00:00:00,088 --> 00:00:02,812
Back in the '80s
I had a lot of crappy jobs.
2
00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:06,625
I worked in an ice-cream shop,
an arcade, even on a film set.
3
00:00:06,650 --> 00:00:10,152
And with a year off, I found
myself working at a '50s diner.
4
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,720
There was one great perk...
5
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,705
I still got to perform
for the dinner customers.
6
00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:16,814
Watch where you're going, Biff.
7
00:00:16,896 --> 00:00:18,355
Can it, Spike.
8
00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:20,464
You're just sore 'cause
Foxy likes me and not you.
9
00:00:20,489 --> 00:00:22,699
Boys, boys, boys, boys.
10
00:00:22,724 --> 00:00:24,308
Boys, no need to fight.
11
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:26,694
There's plenty of
Foxy to go around.
12
00:00:26,695 --> 00:00:28,234
But we always fight.
13
00:00:28,259 --> 00:00:31,094
We're the Firebirds,
the rebels of this town.
14
00:00:31,119 --> 00:00:32,851
And we're the Varsity Club.
15
00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:35,920
We're polite with adults, and
we keep it above the waist.
16
00:00:35,945 --> 00:00:39,656
Excuse me, I'm adorable
and new in town.
17
00:00:39,681 --> 00:00:41,953
Can someone tell me
where the malt shop is?
18
00:00:41,978 --> 00:00:42,978
You're in it.
19
00:00:43,003 --> 00:00:45,289
I'm lost, too... in your eyes.
20
00:00:45,314 --> 00:00:46,606
What'sa matter, fellas?
21
00:00:46,631 --> 00:00:48,424
Never seen a girl before?
22
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,742
Not one like this. Va-va-voom!
23
00:00:51,939 --> 00:00:53,940
You made me drop my lucky comb.
24
00:00:53,965 --> 00:00:56,467
Now I gotta take out my
feelings of inadequacy
25
00:00:56,492 --> 00:00:58,409
on Biff's preppy face!
26
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:01,968
Wait, Spike, maybe we don't
have to rumble anymore.
27
00:01:01,993 --> 00:01:04,619
I mean, we like the
same things, don't we?
28
00:01:04,769 --> 00:01:06,039
You mean...
29
00:01:06,064 --> 00:01:08,399
Girls, cars,
and rock and roll!
30
00:01:08,424 --> 00:01:09,715
Hit it, Rocco.
31
00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:11,692
Captions by VITAC...
32
00:02:17,296 --> 00:02:19,214
It was November
30th, 1980-something
33
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:20,660
and to no one's surprise,
34
00:02:20,685 --> 00:02:23,354
Barry was crushing
it at medical school.
35
00:02:23,379 --> 00:02:27,465
Some of you excelled on
your immunology papers.
36
00:02:27,490 --> 00:02:29,450
Others of you
37
00:02:29,475 --> 00:02:31,976
seemed immune to studying.
38
00:02:34,683 --> 00:02:37,018
Dr. Platz takes
the driest topics
39
00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:38,086
and makes them wet with humor.
40
00:02:38,110 --> 00:02:41,612
But this is an
opportunity to remind you
41
00:02:41,637 --> 00:02:45,402
how demanding the career
path you've chosen can be.
42
00:02:48,072 --> 00:02:49,948
I swear, he's got no off switch.
43
00:02:49,973 --> 00:02:51,557
But for Straight-A Barry,
44
00:02:51,582 --> 00:02:53,832
this exam grade was
no laughing matter.
45
00:02:53,857 --> 00:02:54,863
Oh, no.
46
00:02:54,888 --> 00:02:58,021
So he did what he always
did... wildly overreact.
47
00:02:58,046 --> 00:02:59,505
JTP and others.
48
00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:00,449
JTP and...
49
00:03:00,474 --> 00:03:03,726
Enough of your
ridiculous chit chat.
50
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:06,794
Today, I received a B-minus.
51
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:08,262
A B-minus isn't so bad.
52
00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:11,410
And that, Naked Robert, is why
you'll forever be mediocre,
53
00:03:11,435 --> 00:03:13,311
and struggle to support
a wife and children.
54
00:03:13,336 --> 00:03:15,545
I'm gonna have a wife
and children? Sweet!
55
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,530
But I'll spend
the next two weeks
56
00:03:17,555 --> 00:03:19,264
making the necessary changes
57
00:03:19,289 --> 00:03:21,665
so as not to wind up a
bum, like Matt Bradley,
58
00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:23,641
or worse, a chiropractor.
59
00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:24,791
That seems fair.
60
00:03:24,816 --> 00:03:25,899
First order of business...
61
00:03:25,924 --> 00:03:27,884
I hereby disband the JTP.
62
00:03:27,909 --> 00:03:29,242
Because you're
slightly struggling
63
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:30,734
in med school, we
can't hang out?
64
00:03:30,759 --> 00:03:31,968
Not even without me.
65
00:03:31,993 --> 00:03:33,702
The thought of you
cavorting in my absence
66
00:03:33,727 --> 00:03:35,061
is way too distracting.
67
00:03:35,086 --> 00:03:36,503
When this meeting is adjourned,
68
00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:38,384
you'll each be assigned
different directions to walk in.
69
00:03:38,408 --> 00:03:41,326
And none of them are the
directions you came from.
70
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,375
But we live together.
71
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,590
Then you will fill your
apartment with Japanese dividers
72
00:03:45,615 --> 00:03:47,449
to only see each
other's silhouettes
73
00:03:47,474 --> 00:03:49,309
as you rush to and
from the fridge.
74
00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:51,460
Creative and
virtually impossible.
75
00:03:51,485 --> 00:03:52,806
You're off to a great
start here, babe.
76
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,290
Geoff and Erica, regretfully,
I will not be seeing you
77
00:03:55,315 --> 00:03:57,316
during this intense
period of study.
78
00:03:57,341 --> 00:03:59,148
Oh, my heart's heavy,
Bar. I'm good with it.
79
00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:02,967
Baby Muriel, I won't be
available for the interactions
80
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:05,160
that bond us as uncle
and girl-nephew.
81
00:04:05,185 --> 00:04:06,228
But to the extent that I care,
82
00:04:06,252 --> 00:04:07,794
which is slightly
above not at all,
83
00:04:07,819 --> 00:04:09,028
is Joanne also getting the gift
84
00:04:09,052 --> 00:04:10,428
of not seeing you for two weeks?
85
00:04:10,453 --> 00:04:12,245
Bite your tongue, sister.
86
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:14,188
Joanne is my
sleepy-time companion.
87
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,722
Yay, graphic details of my
sister's robust intimate life.
88
00:04:17,998 --> 00:04:20,374
And I'll require
silence in this house.
89
00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,233
It is way too loud and chaotic!
90
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,672
That's 100% because of you.
91
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,447
Bar, maybe we should spend
92
00:04:25,472 --> 00:04:27,140
the next two weeks
at my parents' house.
93
00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:29,541
Yeah, their bland
personalities and drab home
94
00:04:29,566 --> 00:04:30,941
will be way less distracting.
95
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,175
And Lou is sort of a doctor,
96
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,953
so he'll understand
my delicate needs.
97
00:04:33,978 --> 00:04:34,979
Our dad's an actual doctor.
98
00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:36,420
He's an eye doctor.
99
00:04:36,445 --> 00:04:38,297
That's the chiropractor
of the face.
100
00:04:38,561 --> 00:04:40,353
Meeting adjourned.
101
00:04:40,378 --> 00:04:42,421
As Barry was hunkering
down in his studies,
102
00:04:42,446 --> 00:04:44,489
I was cleaning up at the diner.
103
00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:46,682
You need to put a little bit
more elbow grease on that.
104
00:04:46,707 --> 00:04:48,165
Oh, I'm not trying to clean it.
105
00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:49,859
I'm just trying to look
busy until my shift ends.
106
00:04:49,883 --> 00:04:52,009
Wow. You are
management material.
107
00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:54,434
So, you got any plans?
108
00:04:54,459 --> 00:04:55,602
I do.
109
00:04:55,627 --> 00:04:57,252
Hone my craft at
NYU Film School,
110
00:04:57,277 --> 00:04:59,070
jump into indies and
low budget stuff,
111
00:04:59,095 --> 00:05:00,887
and ultimately create
summer blockbusters
112
00:05:00,912 --> 00:05:02,288
that make more money than sense.
113
00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:04,355
I meant tonight,
like, after work.
114
00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:05,589
Of course you did.
115
00:05:05,614 --> 00:05:07,062
And again, it's a yes.
116
00:05:07,087 --> 00:05:08,881
Tuesdays have become movie
night with my old lady.
117
00:05:08,905 --> 00:05:10,367
You have a girlfriend?
118
00:05:10,392 --> 00:05:12,734
Older lady. My mom.
119
00:05:12,759 --> 00:05:14,552
Oh, well, that's too bad
120
00:05:14,592 --> 00:05:16,301
'cause we're all going
out to TJ O'Funn's.
121
00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:17,607
You should come.
122
00:05:17,631 --> 00:05:20,299
Sorry, previously engaged.
123
00:05:20,324 --> 00:05:22,742
To be clear, I'm not
engaged to my mom.
124
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,434
Lovely gal, but not for me.
125
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:26,752
Okay. You have fun.
126
00:05:28,386 --> 00:05:29,762
Whoa, it was awesome
127
00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:31,329
how uncomfortable
that was, Goldnerd.
128
00:05:31,354 --> 00:05:32,604
I savored every gross moment.
129
00:05:32,629 --> 00:05:33,754
What are you talking about?
130
00:05:33,779 --> 00:05:35,961
Carmen clearly likes you, bro.
131
00:05:35,986 --> 00:05:38,203
No way! Women don't pursue me.
132
00:05:38,228 --> 00:05:40,021
Look we can all agree she must
be totally broken in the head,
133
00:05:40,045 --> 00:05:41,337
but it seems to be real.
134
00:05:41,362 --> 00:05:44,030
So the only question
is... Do you like her?
135
00:05:44,055 --> 00:05:46,307
Carmen, who when I
make eye contact with,
136
00:05:46,332 --> 00:05:48,082
I blush like a harvest apple?
137
00:05:48,107 --> 00:05:49,524
Yeah, there's a fondness.
138
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,385
Then you should totally
come out with us tonight.
139
00:05:51,409 --> 00:05:53,930
I would, but Tuesday
nights are for my mom.
140
00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:56,706
As are Fridays, Sundays
and cuddle-fest Thursdays.
141
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,315
She calls me her
warmest blanket.
142
00:05:58,340 --> 00:06:01,009
Seriously, bro, are you a child?
143
00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:03,952
No, although I still
go to a pediatrician,
144
00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:06,021
but that's just because he knows
my body better than anyone.
145
00:06:06,045 --> 00:06:08,171
Just tell your mommy
that something came up
146
00:06:08,196 --> 00:06:09,823
and you'll do weird
stuff with her next time.
147
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:11,849
Good advice,
hurtfully delivered.
148
00:06:13,831 --> 00:06:15,665
Hey, Carmen, I was wondering,
149
00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:16,941
are those plans
still on the table?
150
00:06:16,965 --> 00:06:19,000
Totally. Be there
or be square.
151
00:06:19,025 --> 00:06:21,235
Oh, I think I'm gonna prove
to you that I can do both. Oh.
152
00:06:21,259 --> 00:06:23,859
I was fully in on plans
with my work friends.
153
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,803
All I had to do was
break the news to my mom.
154
00:06:26,828 --> 00:06:28,877
Mama, I'm not going
to be able to see
155
00:06:28,902 --> 00:06:29,945
"Endless Love" with you tonight.
156
00:06:29,969 --> 00:06:31,386
What?!
157
00:06:31,411 --> 00:06:34,163
That's the quintessential
mother-son movie.
158
00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,981
It's certainly an unsettling
description of that saucy film.
159
00:06:37,006 --> 00:06:39,508
I'm sorry, but I made some
plans with my pals from work.
160
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:42,368
And their parents are okay
with them roving around town
161
00:06:42,393 --> 00:06:44,227
like a bunch of
sailors on shore leave?
162
00:06:44,252 --> 00:06:46,253
They're 20, and it's dinner
at a chain restaurant
163
00:06:46,278 --> 00:06:47,404
in the lobby of the Sheraton.
164
00:06:47,428 --> 00:06:48,637
You have been wanting to find
165
00:06:48,662 --> 00:06:50,359
the lad some
same-aged compadres.
166
00:06:50,384 --> 00:06:51,509
Wait.
167
00:06:51,534 --> 00:06:53,344
You guys discuss my social life?
168
00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:54,828
You're one of our
favorite subjects.
169
00:06:54,853 --> 00:06:57,730
That, and Ginzy's
impossibly green lawn.
170
00:06:57,755 --> 00:06:59,798
What is she doing that I'm not?
171
00:06:59,823 --> 00:07:01,241
And why is she such
a about it?
172
00:07:01,265 --> 00:07:02,265
You know what, Adam?
173
00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:04,438
Go. Have fun with
your friends.
174
00:07:04,463 --> 00:07:07,299
Thank you for recognizing
that I'm not a child anymore.
175
00:07:07,324 --> 00:07:09,408
Also, may I have $20 for dinner?
176
00:07:09,433 --> 00:07:10,850
I'm saving up my work money
177
00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:12,835
for a Skyhammer Ultra
Pretender Transformer.
178
00:07:14,029 --> 00:07:16,114
While I was planning to
head out on the town,
179
00:07:16,139 --> 00:07:18,390
Barry was settling in
at the Schwartzes'.
180
00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:20,166
A study treat for Barry?
181
00:07:20,212 --> 00:07:22,088
He's under so much pressure.
182
00:07:22,112 --> 00:07:24,071
He couldn't choose a
flavor, so he said,
183
00:07:24,096 --> 00:07:25,888
"Just make one with
all the fruits."
184
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,332
Well, our children
and grandchild
185
00:07:28,357 --> 00:07:30,900
spend so much time
at the Goldbergs',
186
00:07:30,925 --> 00:07:33,664
I guess it's nice to have
one of theirs for a change.
187
00:07:33,689 --> 00:07:35,966
Even if it's not the one
anyone really wanted.
188
00:07:37,475 --> 00:07:39,375
Here is your pie.
189
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,902
Oh, heavens, your feet
are on the table, yeah,
190
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:43,886
in the exact same spot
that I eat and pray.
191
00:07:43,911 --> 00:07:46,204
Sorry, Linda, but my
big brain only works
192
00:07:46,229 --> 00:07:47,563
when my little
piggies are happy.
193
00:07:47,679 --> 00:07:49,513
What happened to my
horse figurines?!
194
00:07:49,538 --> 00:07:51,539
Yeah. We got rid of them.
195
00:07:51,564 --> 00:07:53,273
They were staring right at me.
196
00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:55,966
Barry doesn't get along
with horses or zebras.
197
00:07:56,021 --> 00:07:57,188
They're the horses of Africa.
198
00:07:57,213 --> 00:07:59,673
Zebras are nothing like horses.
199
00:07:59,698 --> 00:08:01,574
This is madness.
200
00:08:01,599 --> 00:08:03,892
While Barry was proving
to be a difficult guest,
201
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:06,797
I was feeling right at
home with my work friends.
202
00:08:06,822 --> 00:08:08,447
Look at us, sipping
drinks on a weeknight
203
00:08:08,472 --> 00:08:09,806
like we're in Barcelona.
204
00:08:09,831 --> 00:08:11,373
Okay, you two, beat it.
205
00:08:11,398 --> 00:08:12,398
Johnny out.
206
00:08:12,423 --> 00:08:13,548
Byeee.
207
00:08:13,573 --> 00:08:14,907
Whoa, that was abrupt.
208
00:08:14,932 --> 00:08:16,224
Is it because Johnny burped
209
00:08:16,249 --> 00:08:17,624
the "Battle Hymn
of the Republic"?
210
00:08:17,649 --> 00:08:19,827
Well,
that and so that
211
00:08:19,852 --> 00:08:21,750
it would be just you and me.
212
00:08:22,029 --> 00:08:23,529
Interesting.
213
00:08:23,554 --> 00:08:24,804
And it was.
214
00:08:24,829 --> 00:08:26,372
Alone with a girl I liked?
215
00:08:26,397 --> 00:08:29,602
This would require a
few drinks, so we drank.
216
00:08:29,627 --> 00:08:31,378
My new prescription is fun!
217
00:08:32,252 --> 00:08:34,378
Wait, these are
actually helping.
218
00:08:34,403 --> 00:08:36,154
You are not like
other guys I meet.
219
00:08:36,179 --> 00:08:37,554
But I can change.
220
00:08:37,579 --> 00:08:38,705
Give me a list of
their attributes.
221
00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:40,522
I'll get to work.
222
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,464
We drank a lot.
223
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,158
It was a night I'd never forget,
224
00:08:45,183 --> 00:08:47,267
except for how I got here.
225
00:08:47,292 --> 00:08:48,709
Hey.
226
00:08:50,134 --> 00:08:52,010
Oh, where am I?
227
00:08:52,035 --> 00:08:53,703
You
crashed on my couch.
228
00:08:53,728 --> 00:08:55,228
Without my bedtime milk?
229
00:08:55,253 --> 00:08:57,504
Apparently. Oh, balls!
230
00:08:57,529 --> 00:08:59,609
Did anything happen?
231
00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:01,851
Yeah, we robbed like six banks.
232
00:09:01,876 --> 00:09:03,293
Oh, my God! What?!
233
00:09:04,427 --> 00:09:05,844
We smooched on the
couch a little,
234
00:09:05,869 --> 00:09:07,286
and then you passed out.
235
00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:08,399
Oh, well,
236
00:09:08,424 --> 00:09:10,967
I am profoundly sorry for
my ungentlemanly deeds.
237
00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:12,787
Don't be. I had fun.
238
00:09:12,865 --> 00:09:14,532
Okay, but I should go.
239
00:09:14,557 --> 00:09:15,933
My mom tends to worry.
240
00:09:15,958 --> 00:09:18,453
Yeah, her name came up
an uncomfortable amount.
241
00:09:18,978 --> 00:09:20,979
I just had to sneak back home
242
00:09:21,004 --> 00:09:22,463
before my mom knew
what happened.
243
00:09:22,488 --> 00:09:24,114
How hard could that be?
244
00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:25,708
Turns out, pretty hard.
245
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:26,852
Excuse me, sir.
246
00:09:26,877 --> 00:09:28,627
Sir, you need to come with me.
247
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:31,196
Is there a law against
taking a morning stroll
248
00:09:31,221 --> 00:09:32,959
in the same pants,
shirt, and unmentionables
249
00:09:32,984 --> 00:09:33,926
you wore the night before?
250
00:09:33,951 --> 00:09:35,109
I'm not here to arrest you.
251
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:37,343
I'm here for the
reward. Reward?
252
00:09:44,127 --> 00:09:45,544
Oh, my God.
253
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:46,628
You're the "baby angel"
254
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:48,266
who was "stolen from
her breast," right?
255
00:09:48,291 --> 00:09:49,416
You know I am.
256
00:09:49,441 --> 00:09:50,442
Let's just ride.
257
00:09:53,094 --> 00:09:55,939
I knew my mom was worried
that I was out all night,
258
00:09:55,964 --> 00:09:58,852
but maybe we could discuss
it like reasonable people.
259
00:09:58,877 --> 00:10:01,743
Where in the were you?
260
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,102
Ooh, coming in hot but deserved.
261
00:10:04,127 --> 00:10:06,336
Why is my high school
guidance counselor here?
262
00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:08,735
When will you acknowledge
that I have transitioned
263
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,088
from scholastic acquaintance
to top-tier family friend?
264
00:10:12,113 --> 00:10:14,615
I aged years last night
worrying about you,
265
00:10:14,616 --> 00:10:17,117
though you would never know it
because of my fabulous skin.
266
00:10:17,118 --> 00:10:19,411
It's like a fine Dutch
porcelain. Thank you.
267
00:10:19,412 --> 00:10:20,537
Would "just a
guidance counselor"
268
00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:21,622
say something that personal?
269
00:10:21,623 --> 00:10:22,998
I don't think so.
270
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:24,875
Look, I'm really sorry
that you were worried.
271
00:10:24,876 --> 00:10:26,669
I should have called. The
night got away from me.
272
00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:28,337
Well, that makes
everything okay.
273
00:10:28,338 --> 00:10:32,049
And that is sarcasm as only a
close friend would recognize.
274
00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:33,926
And may I ask where you slept?
275
00:10:33,927 --> 00:10:35,886
I have the same question.
276
00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:37,721
At Carmen's.
277
00:10:37,722 --> 00:10:39,848
And what did Carmen's parents
have to say about that?
278
00:10:39,849 --> 00:10:40,849
She lives alone.
279
00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:43,435
Oh, Carmen lives alone,
280
00:10:43,436 --> 00:10:46,188
like the bawdy heroine of
a Danielle Steel novel.
281
00:10:46,189 --> 00:10:47,773
No supervision,
282
00:10:47,774 --> 00:10:50,859
just Sodom and Gomorrah
over at Carmen's place!
283
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,861
It's actually a... A
pleasant one-bedroom.
284
00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:54,196
And that's the last time
you're ever gonna be
285
00:10:54,197 --> 00:10:55,698
in that den of sin,
286
00:10:55,699 --> 00:10:57,700
because I forbid you from
ever speaking to Carmen again.
287
00:10:57,701 --> 00:10:58,867
A line in the sand.
288
00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:00,536
You can't forbid
me from seeing her.
289
00:11:00,537 --> 00:11:01,829
We work together.
290
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:03,539
That harlot is
leading you astray.
291
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:06,959
It's none of your business,
but we just kissed.
292
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,253
Ugh! I don't need a recap
of the "The Blue Lagoon."
293
00:11:09,254 --> 00:11:10,462
Mom, come on.
294
00:11:10,463 --> 00:11:11,714
I'm almost 20.
295
00:11:11,715 --> 00:11:13,257
I don't care if
you're almost 90.
296
00:11:13,258 --> 00:11:15,759
If you're living under my roof,
you will live by my rules.
297
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,845
Maybe I'll live
under Carmen's roof!
298
00:11:17,846 --> 00:11:19,972
She has way too much
wicker for a young person,
299
00:11:19,973 --> 00:11:22,099
but I'll make do!
300
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,393
I had no interest in
listening to my mom,
301
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:28,230
but Joanne wanted to hear some
relationship advice from Geoff.
302
00:11:28,231 --> 00:11:29,898
Got a sec? Sure.
303
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:31,650
I'm just putting some new laces
on Erica's favorite boots.
304
00:11:31,651 --> 00:11:33,569
Really? She asked
you to do that?
305
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:35,237
Oh, I just do it
before she has to ask.
306
00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:36,905
It's much better for
everyone that way.
307
00:11:36,906 --> 00:11:39,032
That's kind of what I
wanted to talk to you about.
308
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:40,242
Is it me, or is it sometimes
309
00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:42,077
hard to be in a relationship
with a Goldberg?
310
00:11:42,078 --> 00:11:44,163
Sometimes?
311
00:11:44,164 --> 00:11:45,164
Shut the door.
312
00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:48,000
Barry's
been staying with me,
313
00:11:48,001 --> 00:11:49,752
and Mom and Dad,
and it's been...
314
00:11:49,753 --> 00:11:52,129
Difficult? Tricky?
A minefield?
315
00:11:52,130 --> 00:11:53,797
Yes! We're trying to help him,
316
00:11:53,798 --> 00:11:55,340
but nothing we ever
do is good enough.
317
00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:57,092
Goldberg children
were raised to believe
318
00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:58,719
that the entire world
revolves around them.
319
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,763
And it is our job as
their significant other
320
00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,765
to reinforce that
belief every day.
321
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,099
Here's a fun way
to think about it.
322
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,560
Why does this house have
so many chalkboards?
323
00:12:06,561 --> 00:12:09,021
FISS? Is that a new cola
that'll put Barry to sleep?
324
00:12:09,022 --> 00:12:11,273
It's the acronym that every
Goldberg significant other
325
00:12:11,274 --> 00:12:12,691
must live by...
326
00:12:12,692 --> 00:12:15,694
Flatter, inflate their ego,
serve their every need,
327
00:12:15,695 --> 00:12:17,446
and spoil them, just
like they're used to.
328
00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:19,823
I'm not sure I can or
should do all of that.
329
00:12:19,824 --> 00:12:22,409
Oh, believe me, if you put
your mind to it, you can FISS.
330
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,369
You may not take as much
joy in FISS-ing as I do,
331
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:25,746
but that's because
I was born to FISS.
332
00:12:25,747 --> 00:12:27,248
- You'll get there.
- Geoff!
333
00:12:31,419 --> 00:12:33,295
Yo, those boots almost done?
334
00:12:33,296 --> 00:12:34,463
Uh, yes, my combustible flower.
335
00:12:34,464 --> 00:12:35,798
I'm so sorry for the delay.
336
00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,007
It's just I was
talking to my sister,
337
00:12:37,008 --> 00:12:38,300
but it won't happen again.
338
00:12:38,301 --> 00:12:40,093
Cool, cool.
339
00:12:40,094 --> 00:12:41,595
While Joanne realized she
needed to stay one step
340
00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:43,347
ahead of Barry's needs,
341
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:45,766
my mom was trying to stay
ahead of my love life.
342
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,602
Adam, thank God you're okay.
343
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:50,270
Brea, what are you doing here?
344
00:12:50,271 --> 00:12:52,439
I rushed here when I heard about
the accident. What accident?
345
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,316
Your mom said you were
in a horrible car wreck
346
00:12:54,317 --> 00:12:55,776
and it was touch and go.
347
00:12:55,777 --> 00:12:58,654
Oh, no, Brea, you
must have misheard me.
348
00:12:58,655 --> 00:13:01,698
See, when Adam was four, I
was driving him to preschool,
349
00:13:01,699 --> 00:13:03,242
and we got in a
little fender bender.
350
00:13:03,243 --> 00:13:04,910
That is not at
all what you said.
351
00:13:04,911 --> 00:13:06,203
Words, huh?
352
00:13:06,204 --> 00:13:08,163
They mean different things
to different people.
353
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,665
Anyway, you're here now,
354
00:13:09,666 --> 00:13:12,334
so why don't you two
reconnect over some blondies?
355
00:13:12,335 --> 00:13:15,295
Mom, did you drag Brea all
the way down here to see me?
356
00:13:15,296 --> 00:13:18,006
"All the way down here"?
Don't be so dramatic.
357
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,800
Providence is
practically next door.
358
00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:21,301
It was 6 1/2 hours by bus,
359
00:13:21,302 --> 00:13:23,303
next to an asthmatic man
who kept passing out on me.
360
00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:25,973
Exactly, easy breezy,
guy was wheezy.
361
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:29,810
You guys used to like
to watch movies, right?
362
00:13:29,811 --> 00:13:33,856
"Goonies," "Say Anything,"
ooh, "Weekend at Bernie's,"...
363
00:13:33,857 --> 00:13:36,400
The lead actor is
a dead human being.
364
00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:38,193
Comedy!
365
00:13:38,194 --> 00:13:41,196
Mom, you have crossed a line
from which there is no return!
366
00:13:41,197 --> 00:13:42,364
What do you mean, Schmoo?
367
00:13:42,365 --> 00:13:44,616
I just happened to
call your ex Brea,
368
00:13:44,617 --> 00:13:46,451
who I have always
adored, by the way.
369
00:13:46,452 --> 00:13:48,161
You made me sit alone
at Thanksgiving.
370
00:13:48,162 --> 00:13:49,580
You called it the Brea table.
371
00:13:49,581 --> 00:13:51,915
I thought you'd like
your own table, Princess.
372
00:13:51,916 --> 00:13:53,959
Well, the point is,
373
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,752
you and Adam were
made for each other.
374
00:13:55,753 --> 00:13:57,546
I finally see it now.
375
00:13:57,547 --> 00:13:58,797
You're just pulling
out all the stops
376
00:13:58,798 --> 00:14:00,507
'cause you don't
want me with Carmen.
377
00:14:00,508 --> 00:14:01,758
Carmen?
378
00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,011
A girl I'm kinda seeing at work.
379
00:14:04,012 --> 00:14:05,804
And somehow it gets
even more awkward.
380
00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:08,265
So I did a little
bit of matchmaking.
381
00:14:08,266 --> 00:14:10,767
But look at how
adorable Brea is.
382
00:14:10,768 --> 00:14:12,227
You were in love
with her before.
383
00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:14,730
Why don't you just jump
right back on that bike, huh?
384
00:14:14,731 --> 00:14:16,315
Lucky me, I'm the bike here.
385
00:14:16,316 --> 00:14:17,774
Get this through your head...
386
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:19,192
If you don't start
treating me like an adult,
387
00:14:19,193 --> 00:14:20,402
you and I are finished.
388
00:14:23,114 --> 00:14:25,240
I don't think this was the
best use of my midterm week.
389
00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:27,451
While I laid down
the law with my mom,
390
00:14:27,452 --> 00:14:30,245
Joanne was trying to step
up her support of Barry,
391
00:14:30,246 --> 00:14:31,413
starting with flattery.
392
00:14:31,414 --> 00:14:33,498
Ooh! There's my
super-smart fella,
393
00:14:33,499 --> 00:14:35,292
getting his immunology on.
394
00:14:35,293 --> 00:14:36,793
You're in my light.
395
00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:39,546
And what'd I say about clomping
around in such loud shoes?
396
00:14:39,547 --> 00:14:41,798
I'm barefoot.
Around this place?
397
00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:42,883
Yuck.
398
00:14:42,884 --> 00:14:45,052
She tried inflating his ego.
399
00:14:45,053 --> 00:14:46,386
Congratulations,
400
00:14:46,387 --> 00:14:48,597
you are Medical School
Student of the Month,
401
00:14:48,598 --> 00:14:50,098
which is totally a real thing.
402
00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:51,308
Great, just put it over there
403
00:14:51,309 --> 00:14:52,559
where the others
will eventually go.
404
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,019
She tried serving him.
405
00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:56,772
Six different types of salami,
just like you requested.
406
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:58,482
I requested seven.
407
00:14:58,483 --> 00:15:00,150
They were out of
capicola. What?
408
00:15:00,151 --> 00:15:02,611
At least tell me they had all
five of the cheeses I asked for.
409
00:15:02,612 --> 00:15:04,906
No Havarti. It's not a
party without Havarti.
410
00:15:05,782 --> 00:15:07,491
I have to walk this off.
411
00:15:07,492 --> 00:15:09,242
And she tried spoiling him.
412
00:15:09,243 --> 00:15:11,870
Okay. I washed your car,
I brushed your hair,
413
00:15:11,871 --> 00:15:13,830
and I whispered, "You're
a champion," in your ear.
414
00:15:13,831 --> 00:15:16,249
Fanning isn't working.
I'm still slightly dewy.
415
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:17,584
You could take your sweater off.
416
00:15:17,585 --> 00:15:19,127
It would take too long. Linda!
417
00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:21,380
May I trouble you for a
freshly brewed iced tea
418
00:15:21,381 --> 00:15:23,048
and three Popsicles?!
419
00:15:23,049 --> 00:15:25,676
Sorry, Barry, but Lou and
I have to suddenly go away.
420
00:15:25,677 --> 00:15:26,927
Where are you going?
421
00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,428
We'll think of
somewhere in the car.
422
00:15:28,429 --> 00:15:30,222
No one can live like
this. Go, go, go, go, go.
423
00:15:30,223 --> 00:15:32,182
Ah, just as well.
424
00:15:32,183 --> 00:15:33,975
I don't think they knew how distracting
they were.
425
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,561
With that, Joanne
finally had enough.
426
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:37,854
You know what?
427
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,106
You suck.
428
00:15:39,107 --> 00:15:40,357
What?
429
00:15:40,358 --> 00:15:42,109
All I've done is
try to help you,
430
00:15:42,110 --> 00:15:43,944
but you just keep
demanding more.
431
00:15:43,945 --> 00:15:45,362
You've chased my parents away,
432
00:15:45,363 --> 00:15:47,197
and all you think
about is yourself.
433
00:15:47,198 --> 00:15:50,325
Joanne, you know I'm going
through a difficult time.
434
00:15:50,326 --> 00:15:51,827
What if I can't make
it in med school
435
00:15:51,828 --> 00:15:53,704
and don't become a
top-ranked surgeon?
436
00:15:53,705 --> 00:15:56,164
Barry, that doesn't give
you the right to be awful.
437
00:15:56,165 --> 00:15:58,083
You know what?
Go FISS yourself.
438
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,437
My mom finally understood
that she'd pushed me too far
439
00:16:06,462 --> 00:16:09,362
about Carmen, and she was
determined to make it right.
440
00:16:09,387 --> 00:16:10,738
Oh, hello, Carmen.
441
00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:12,312
Oh, you must be Beverly.
442
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,296
How did you know?
Adam described you.
443
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:15,616
You are pretty unmistakable.
444
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,892
Yes, yes. I am a
blonde bombshell.
445
00:16:17,917 --> 00:16:19,877
His words probably.
446
00:16:19,902 --> 00:16:21,236
Uh, he's in the back.
I'll go get him.
447
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,970
Oh, actually, I wanted
to speak to you.
448
00:16:23,995 --> 00:16:25,655
Speak to me?
449
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:30,233
Adam was right, he is an
adult man with adult needs.
450
00:16:30,258 --> 00:16:31,491
O-kay.
451
00:16:31,516 --> 00:16:35,477
Therefore, the two of you
are welcome to use our home
452
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:38,212
whenever you like
as your love nest.
453
00:16:38,237 --> 00:16:39,241
Oh, boy.
454
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,194
There's a working
Jacuzzi in the basement.
455
00:16:41,219 --> 00:16:43,512
It takes about 4 hours
to properly heat.
456
00:16:43,537 --> 00:16:44,538
I don't need to know this.
457
00:16:44,562 --> 00:16:46,030
The weekend of the 16th,
458
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:48,765
I will be in Delaware
at a sweater expo.
459
00:16:48,845 --> 00:16:52,098
You might want to circle
those dates in your calendar.
460
00:16:52,123 --> 00:16:54,499
Why would I... We're
not big drinkers,
461
00:16:54,524 --> 00:16:57,943
but in the garage
there are wine coolers,
462
00:16:57,968 --> 00:16:59,382
Chablis... Oh.
463
00:16:59,407 --> 00:17:02,451
Beer with a blue ribbon on
it signifying quality. Mnh.
464
00:17:02,476 --> 00:17:03,699
Please help yourselves
465
00:17:03,724 --> 00:17:05,210
to whatever would
set an adult mood.
466
00:17:05,235 --> 00:17:06,861
I'm rarely
uncomfortable, but... Oh!
467
00:17:06,886 --> 00:17:08,428
There's a baby
living in our house,
468
00:17:08,453 --> 00:17:11,121
so I would ask that you keep
the sounds of your passion
469
00:17:11,146 --> 00:17:12,688
down to a reasonable volume.
470
00:17:12,713 --> 00:17:13,788
Okay, that's enough.
471
00:17:13,813 --> 00:17:17,649
Um, Adam is a very sweet guy,
472
00:17:17,674 --> 00:17:19,133
but we're just getting
to know each other.
473
00:17:19,157 --> 00:17:21,367
That's all that's
going on. I see.
474
00:17:21,392 --> 00:17:22,976
I know I'm not the
one to tell you this,
475
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,377
but if Adam was in
college right now,
476
00:17:25,402 --> 00:17:28,655
he would be meeting new
people, trying new things,
477
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,180
even making mistakes,
478
00:17:30,205 --> 00:17:32,415
and you would not be
there for any of that.
479
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,649
So what are you
saying? I'm saying,
480
00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:36,717
if you want to continue
having a relationship
481
00:17:36,742 --> 00:17:40,411
with your son into adulthood,
you gotta give him some space.
482
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,687
You make some
good points.
483
00:17:45,712 --> 00:17:47,882
I'm pretty smart for
someone who skipped college.
484
00:17:49,582 --> 00:17:50,833
You skipped college?
485
00:17:50,858 --> 00:17:51,999
I'm gonna go.
486
00:17:52,976 --> 00:17:54,351
Oh, my dear God.
487
00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:56,920
Carmen had given my mom
a lot to think about.
488
00:17:56,945 --> 00:17:59,021
And Barry was still
thinking about how badly
489
00:17:59,046 --> 00:18:00,490
he'd messed up with Joanne.
490
00:18:00,515 --> 00:18:01,538
Hey.
491
00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:03,106
What's wrong?
Another bad grade?
492
00:18:03,131 --> 00:18:04,798
Yeah.
493
00:18:04,823 --> 00:18:06,782
I'm failing as a boyfriend.
494
00:18:06,807 --> 00:18:08,030
Yeah, I get it.
495
00:18:08,055 --> 00:18:10,348
I know I could be better
to Geoff sometimes.
496
00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:12,958
Did Mom just raise
us to be the worst?
497
00:18:12,983 --> 00:18:15,568
No. Mom made us the
center of her universe
498
00:18:15,593 --> 00:18:17,385
and always put our needs first.
499
00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:19,245
The only problem is
that we kind of grew up
500
00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:20,937
expecting everyone
else in the world
501
00:18:20,962 --> 00:18:22,462
to treat us the
way that she does.
502
00:18:22,487 --> 00:18:24,363
Well, you're the center
of Geoff's universe.
503
00:18:24,388 --> 00:18:25,898
There's nobody like Geoff.
504
00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:27,377
God bless him, he
wakes up thinking
505
00:18:27,402 --> 00:18:29,468
about how to make
my life better.
506
00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:30,534
You're pretty lucky.
507
00:18:30,559 --> 00:18:32,452
The luckiest.
508
00:18:32,477 --> 00:18:34,381
But one day the dam might break
509
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:35,663
and he'll have a full meltdown,
510
00:18:35,688 --> 00:18:39,066
which will cause me to face some
difficult truths about myself,
511
00:18:39,091 --> 00:18:40,925
but until then, I
got it pretty good.
512
00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:42,575
Yeah, but Joanne's
not like that.
513
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,268
No she's not.
514
00:18:44,293 --> 00:18:46,461
She's a tough cookie.
515
00:18:46,486 --> 00:18:49,029
But trust me, when
you're with a Schwartz,
516
00:18:49,054 --> 00:18:50,663
you do not want to lose them.
517
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,135
I think I finally get it.
518
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,577
Good.
519
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:57,935
Now tell Geoff to get in here.
520
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,562
I gotta tell that sexy
dork how much I love him.
521
00:19:00,587 --> 00:19:03,214
Love can take many forms.
522
00:19:03,239 --> 00:19:06,407
Sometimes it's about
giving people space.
523
00:19:06,432 --> 00:19:07,724
Got a sec?
524
00:19:07,749 --> 00:19:09,333
I guess.
525
00:19:10,679 --> 00:19:14,015
A wise
person has told me
526
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,167
I've been too controlling
with my very adult son.
527
00:19:17,192 --> 00:19:19,193
That person makes
a lot of sense.
528
00:19:22,366 --> 00:19:25,661
Look, I know I've
said this before,
529
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:29,480
but I am gonna try
to back off a little.
530
00:19:29,505 --> 00:19:31,340
I would appreciate that,
531
00:19:31,365 --> 00:19:34,784
but it is also nice to
know how much you care.
532
00:19:34,809 --> 00:19:37,684
And I'll never stop.
533
00:19:37,721 --> 00:19:40,807
But to that end, uh, the next
time you're gonna be late...
534
00:19:40,832 --> 00:19:43,026
I'll call. You better.
535
00:19:47,159 --> 00:19:49,401
Other times, it's
just about showing
536
00:19:49,426 --> 00:19:51,553
how much you appreciate them.
537
00:19:51,578 --> 00:19:52,747
What's all this?
538
00:19:52,772 --> 00:19:54,356
You guys tried so hard to help,
539
00:19:54,381 --> 00:19:55,756
it's the least I can do.
540
00:19:55,815 --> 00:19:57,899
But don't you have to study?
541
00:19:57,924 --> 00:20:00,009
Ah, it can wait.
542
00:20:00,034 --> 00:20:01,385
My whole life, being a doctor
543
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:02,817
was the most
important thing to me,
544
00:20:02,842 --> 00:20:04,300
but then I met you.
545
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:09,825
Let's eat.
546
00:20:09,850 --> 00:20:11,684
But one thing that's as true now
547
00:20:11,709 --> 00:20:14,252
as it was in the '80s
and the '50s...
548
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,513
is that if you have
people around you
549
00:20:18,538 --> 00:20:19,996
who give you what you need...
550
00:20:20,021 --> 00:20:21,272
Wait, no, w-wait. What?
551
00:20:21,297 --> 00:20:22,442
Sit.
552
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:24,927
You're never fully on your own.
553
00:20:35,332 --> 00:20:37,916
Adam, do you know how
I got in here just now?
554
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:41,925
You walked. Yes, but
first I used this.
555
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:43,325
I'm pretty sure it was unlocked.
556
00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:45,017
Well, I could've used this.
557
00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:46,245
Do you know what this is?
558
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,934
A key to the Goldberg home.
559
00:20:47,959 --> 00:20:50,753
And why would I be entrusted
with such a precious item?
560
00:20:50,778 --> 00:20:51,779
I bet you're gonna tell me.
561
00:20:51,803 --> 00:20:53,470
It's a token of my place
562
00:20:53,495 --> 00:20:56,748
as the unspoken official
member of your family.
563
00:20:56,799 --> 00:20:58,989
Let's emphasize
the unspoken part.
564
00:20:59,014 --> 00:21:02,517
I was at all your graduations,
Erica's wedding reception,
565
00:21:02,542 --> 00:21:04,835
and when baby Muriel came
home from the hospital,
566
00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:06,819
who was the 13th
person to hold her?
567
00:21:06,844 --> 00:21:09,177
Someone who loves to
interrupt a man's breakfast?
568
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:12,580
John Latifa Glascott,
the permanent holder
569
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,897
of the golden key of trust.
570
00:21:14,922 --> 00:21:17,049
Ah! There's my
emergency spare.
571
00:21:17,074 --> 00:21:19,867
Ginzy's back home from
vacation, so it's hers again.
572
00:21:19,892 --> 00:21:22,268
Rats and mice! I was so close.
573
00:21:24,639 --> 00:21:26,590
I'm taking an orange.42754
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