All language subtitles for Easy - 02x05 - Conjugality

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,101 I find that if you can... 2 00:00:09,184 --> 00:00:12,271 not change your clothes too often, 3 00:00:12,354 --> 00:00:15,607 and if you don't clutter your life with, you know, children... 4 00:00:16,191 --> 00:00:19,361 a broad swathe of people of all ages, 5 00:00:19,445 --> 00:00:23,824 you know, will still gravitate to your existential plight. 6 00:00:23,907 --> 00:00:27,036 If you keep it selfish and keep it aggravated... 7 00:00:27,119 --> 00:00:28,662 - Mm-hmm. - that's timeless. 8 00:00:30,706 --> 00:00:31,749 Words to live by. 9 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,335 Anything you wanna add before we let you go? 10 00:00:34,418 --> 00:00:39,465 Yes, I would like everybody to buy the book... for a second time, even. 11 00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:40,548 Um... 12 00:00:41,133 --> 00:00:43,343 And... No. 13 00:00:45,971 --> 00:00:48,182 Thank you for coming, seriously. 14 00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:52,269 The 20th anniversary edition of Conjugality is out next month, 15 00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:55,397 but you can pre-order it right here at Quimby's. 16 00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:57,483 Support your local bookstore. 17 00:00:57,566 --> 00:00:59,401 Jacob, thank you so much. 18 00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:01,403 Thank you, Alison. It's great talking to you. 19 00:01:01,487 --> 00:01:02,905 Thank you. 20 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:14,333 - "Mention your Twitter!" - That's my job... 21 00:01:14,416 --> 00:01:17,711 To hold up pads at an event that your client's doing? 22 00:01:17,795 --> 00:01:19,922 That's the only way I can reach you, apparently. 23 00:01:20,005 --> 00:01:23,008 I'm just trying to, you know, close strong with a nice... 24 00:01:23,092 --> 00:01:25,761 You won't even acknowledge social media. It's insane. 25 00:01:25,844 --> 00:01:27,679 Why is it insane? I don't wanna do it. 26 00:01:27,763 --> 00:01:29,043 - You really need... - What's up? 27 00:01:29,098 --> 00:01:31,100 I don't know if you remember me... 28 00:01:31,101 --> 00:01:32,730 Mike from the Obscurity reading last year. 29 00:01:32,810 --> 00:01:35,354 - Dude. How are you? Good to see you. - Good. How are you? 30 00:01:35,437 --> 00:01:37,481 I'm good. That was an exciting night, right? 31 00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:38,604 Yeah. It was crazy. 32 00:01:38,649 --> 00:01:40,109 - Good to see you. - You too. 33 00:01:40,192 --> 00:01:42,069 - We'd love to have you back. - I'd love to. 34 00:01:42,152 --> 00:01:43,237 - Thanks a lot. - Great. 35 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,920 - See, that's a tangible thing... - Does he follow you on Twitter? 36 00:01:45,948 --> 00:01:47,268 - It doesn't matter. - I doubt it. 37 00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:49,451 - Did you... - Do you have any idea... 38 00:01:49,535 --> 00:01:51,495 That guy works at another bookstore 39 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,581 that just offered us a thing to do in the real world, 40 00:01:54,665 --> 00:01:57,126 and you're like, "Get on Twitter. Here's my pad!" 41 00:01:57,209 --> 00:01:58,535 I don't think that you're literate 42 00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,337 in the language that I'm literate in. 43 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:01,797 I don't even understand you. 44 00:02:02,548 --> 00:02:04,228 - I know, and that's what... - Hey. I'm sorry. 45 00:02:04,299 --> 00:02:07,469 - I gotta go, but I just really wanted to... - Yeah, me too. Let's go. 46 00:02:07,553 --> 00:02:08,929 - I'll see you later, Lauren. - Yeah. 47 00:02:09,012 --> 00:02:11,181 - Good to see you. Just walk. - Nice to meet you. 48 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,265 - Jesus. - Unbelievable. 49 00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:17,396 The online presence is absolutely necessary these days 50 00:02:17,479 --> 00:02:18,480 to sell anything. 51 00:02:18,564 --> 00:02:19,815 It's got nothing to do with me. 52 00:02:19,898 --> 00:02:22,359 I hope she's not tweeting as me. That would make me upset. 53 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:25,195 - She's not tweeting as you. - I don't like the whole thing. 54 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,531 She's tweeting about the project. All right? 55 00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:31,118 I didn't call to talk about social media or Lauren. 56 00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:34,621 - I called to talk about Karen. - Karen? 57 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:37,416 I know we spoke about this. We didn't make a decision on it, 58 00:02:37,499 --> 00:02:41,253 but I really think that Karen should be contacted... 59 00:02:41,336 --> 00:02:43,797 I haven't even talked to her in eight years. 60 00:02:43,881 --> 00:02:46,175 I haven't talked to her in eight years. 61 00:02:46,258 --> 00:02:47,885 If you haven't talked to her in eight years, 62 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,469 she may have softened somewhat. 63 00:02:49,553 --> 00:02:51,471 That's why she calls me all the time. 64 00:02:53,932 --> 00:02:56,602 Either way, it's a love story about the two of you, 65 00:02:56,685 --> 00:02:58,604 and it's missing half of the picture. 66 00:02:58,687 --> 00:03:01,899 I know, that was always her complaint in the second book. 67 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:05,485 "How come I'm not in this?" And, "Who's that other lady?" 68 00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:08,780 Yeah, that happened. Did you read the second book, Amanda? 69 00:03:09,615 --> 00:03:10,741 Yes, I read it. 70 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:15,078 But we're focusing on the first one, so we don't need much from her. 71 00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:19,833 Just even an online little article, quote, something. 72 00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:21,710 I'll give it to you right now. 73 00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:24,588 Quote, "Jacob Malco is an asshole who hurt me 74 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:28,508 and dragged me through it publicly. Karen, his ex-wife." 75 00:03:29,384 --> 00:03:31,011 That works. I could live with that. 76 00:03:31,094 --> 00:03:32,471 - No. No. - All right? 77 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,848 This is where I was in January... 78 00:03:34,932 --> 00:03:36,517 - There's no coyotes in Chicago. - There are! 79 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,019 - I told you, a coyote came... - You saw a dog. 80 00:03:39,102 --> 00:03:41,063 There's coyotes and everybody knows it. 81 00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:43,673 Look, they want me to reach out to Karen. 82 00:03:43,674 --> 00:03:46,485 I mean, that is... I can't do that. 83 00:03:46,568 --> 00:03:49,613 - They want me to have her do a blurb. - Why would they want you to do that? 84 00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:52,115 - Or to do an article... - Uh-huh. 85 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,910 I can't do that to her. I put her through enough, number one. 86 00:03:54,993 --> 00:03:56,787 Number two, there's no way she would do it. 87 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,331 No, but I understand why they want you to do that. 88 00:03:59,414 --> 00:04:01,917 - Right. - But I get it, that it's awkward. 89 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,378 But here's the thing. I saw her. I did see her. 90 00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:05,504 - What? - I saw her. 91 00:04:05,587 --> 00:04:09,258 I was coming out of, um, Dr. Cath's office. 92 00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:12,970 - You saw Karen? - Yeah! After my therapy. 93 00:04:13,595 --> 00:04:16,932 - I came out, and she was at that café... - How many times did you see Karen? 94 00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:19,434 What's that café... Wait, do you have any coins? 95 00:04:19,518 --> 00:04:20,519 - 'Cause I wanna... - For what? 96 00:04:20,602 --> 00:04:22,896 I'm gonna throw a coin in the fountain and make a wish. 97 00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:24,481 - Are you five? - It's a pretty day. 98 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,567 I know, but that's not a wishing well. 99 00:04:26,650 --> 00:04:27,943 - All right... - Just... 100 00:04:28,026 --> 00:04:31,989 I talk to her, but not a lot. She knows I'm your friend, so... 101 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,488 But my point is I saw her 102 00:04:34,489 --> 00:04:36,827 and I have her number if you wanted to call her. 103 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,203 What's she doing? How did she look? 104 00:04:38,287 --> 00:04:39,746 Does she have kids? Is she married? 105 00:04:39,830 --> 00:04:41,790 - Where'd you see her? - I'm sorry. You're upset. 106 00:04:41,873 --> 00:04:44,084 - I'm not upset. Where'd you see her? - You're upset. 107 00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,752 I'm not upset. Why would you keep saying that? 108 00:04:45,836 --> 00:04:46,753 'Cause you're upset. 109 00:04:46,837 --> 00:04:50,674 - Where'd you see her? - Give me a coin. Do you have coins? 110 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:51,758 I have a nickel. 111 00:04:54,303 --> 00:04:55,304 - Go throw it in. - Wait. 112 00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:56,888 - No, you gotta... - Shh! 113 00:04:56,972 --> 00:04:59,474 Make a wish. Just make a wish. Ready? 114 00:05:03,186 --> 00:05:05,606 It didn't come true. You threw it. 115 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:10,068 Yes, I'm excited about the re-release of the book. 116 00:05:10,152 --> 00:05:13,238 I'm sorry, I've answered that question a lot today, but... 117 00:05:13,322 --> 00:05:16,199 Uh, okay, Dan, I think we have time for one more question. 118 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:17,784 I think that's all I've got. 119 00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:21,256 But I'll just say that I'm a huge fan, 120 00:05:21,257 --> 00:05:22,623 and it's a real pleasure to talk to you. 121 00:05:22,706 --> 00:05:24,499 - Thanks. Appreciate that. - Great. 122 00:05:25,208 --> 00:05:27,586 Okay, thank you. I'll talk to you soon. 123 00:05:27,669 --> 00:05:29,212 - Thanks a lot. - Bye. 124 00:05:31,715 --> 00:05:32,716 Okay. 125 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:37,304 Um... It looks like we have ten minutes until your next interview. 126 00:05:37,387 --> 00:05:38,930 - Yeah. - I don't know if you wanna... 127 00:05:39,014 --> 00:05:40,432 - Can I have a Diet Coke? - Yes. 128 00:05:40,515 --> 00:05:43,393 - And I'm gonna take a little snooze. - On that note... 129 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,479 - A little nappy. - I have Karen's number. 130 00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:47,647 - I'm thinking... - What did you just say? 131 00:05:47,731 --> 00:05:49,733 - What did you just say? - Okay. I've... 132 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:52,152 How did you just present that? "I have Karen's number." 133 00:05:52,235 --> 00:05:55,405 - Here's what I'm thinking. - Like in that cute little way, and... 134 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,532 that's not gonna sound like you're coercing me. 135 00:05:57,616 --> 00:06:01,370 I'm trying to integrate it naturally into the flow of the conversation. 136 00:06:01,453 --> 00:06:02,454 "I have her number." 137 00:06:02,537 --> 00:06:05,257 What you're saying is,"I'm gonna call Karen unless you do something." 138 00:06:05,290 --> 00:06:07,376 Are you the same person I talked to a few days ago, 139 00:06:07,459 --> 00:06:09,711 or do you have a twin that's equally as irritating? 140 00:06:09,795 --> 00:06:11,755 - I'm an only child. - No Karen. It's not happening. 141 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:15,050 Okay. I'm just trying to help. I guess you don't wanna generate... 142 00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:19,846 Shut up. I can't go through another round of whatever it is you do. 143 00:06:21,264 --> 00:06:22,599 - Bad idea. - Okay. 144 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,017 - Red flag for me. - Okay. 145 00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:25,143 You're seeing a red flag. 146 00:06:25,227 --> 00:06:27,687 Do you know where Everybody's Coffee is? 147 00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:29,314 - Yes. - Meet me there tomorrow. 148 00:06:29,398 --> 00:06:31,316 I'll text you or e-mail you the time. 149 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,820 This is so stupid, but I believe that it will prove to you 150 00:06:34,903 --> 00:06:38,698 why this is not a good situation, and we'll put an end to it. 151 00:06:38,782 --> 00:06:41,076 - Okay. - I don't think this is a good idea at all. 152 00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:42,452 But we're gonna do it. 153 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,955 We're gonna do it. You know why? 'Cause you won. 154 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:48,125 You've annoyed me to the point where I'm gonna do something stupid. 155 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,418 You're gonna thank me. 156 00:06:49,501 --> 00:06:51,670 - I'm excited. Thank you. - Can I have a Diet Coke? 157 00:06:51,753 --> 00:06:53,880 - Can I have a Diet Coke? - You have earned it. 158 00:06:54,589 --> 00:06:56,007 - This is progress. - All right. 159 00:06:56,091 --> 00:06:57,851 - This feels really good. - Stop, stop, stop. 160 00:07:00,804 --> 00:07:01,805 - Hey. - Hi. 161 00:07:02,681 --> 00:07:05,308 - How's it going? - Can I get a drip? 162 00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,477 But do you mind putting it in a to-go cup today? 163 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,020 - Yeah, sure. - Thanks. 164 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:22,451 Karen. 165 00:07:22,534 --> 00:07:23,785 - Oh, my God. - I know. 166 00:07:24,703 --> 00:07:26,204 - Hi. - Hi. 167 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,124 - It's good to see you. - Yeah. 168 00:07:29,207 --> 00:07:31,585 - Wow. This is wild. - That is just... 169 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:34,546 I know. I was just gonna grab some coffee. 170 00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:37,674 Are you taking off? I didn't even know this place was here. 171 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:40,510 - Oh. - What's happening? How are you doing? 172 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,513 Uh... I'm... I'm... 173 00:07:44,973 --> 00:07:46,516 I'm fine. 174 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,268 - You look great. - Yeah. Thanks. 175 00:07:48,351 --> 00:07:51,271 It's so wild, 'cause I've been... I've been in it. 176 00:07:51,354 --> 00:07:54,441 I've been in us lately, 'cause they're coming out with this... 177 00:07:55,692 --> 00:08:00,781 This anniversary edition of Conjugality. Of our book. 178 00:08:00,864 --> 00:08:02,657 And I've just been... I don't know. 179 00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:04,743 There's supplementary material, some new stuff, 180 00:08:04,826 --> 00:08:06,066 the cover's a little different. 181 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,538 - And there you are. - What do you mean, there's new stuff? 182 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,540 - Just drawings. - Huh? 183 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,083 - No. - What drawings? 184 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,628 Of you, me... You know, the regular stuff 185 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,213 - from that time. - New ones? 186 00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,590 No, they're not new. From then. From then. 187 00:08:18,673 --> 00:08:22,177 - I have, uh... folders of stuff. - Wait, ones that weren't in the book? 188 00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:23,762 Right. But from that time. 189 00:08:23,845 --> 00:08:27,808 But they're not... Why are you upset already? 190 00:08:27,891 --> 00:08:30,477 - I mean, it was 20 years ago. - I'm not upset. 191 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,200 Oh, it's shocking? It's exciting, though. 192 00:08:32,229 --> 00:08:33,230 No, it's just, um... 193 00:08:34,523 --> 00:08:35,524 All right, well... 194 00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:36,995 Well, listen, before you go, 195 00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:40,529 I know this is crazy, but while you're here, 196 00:08:40,612 --> 00:08:43,156 there's no way that you would maybe write a blurb 197 00:08:43,157 --> 00:08:44,157 or do an interview for the book? 198 00:08:44,783 --> 00:08:46,952 Are you serious right now? 199 00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:49,454 Yeah, I'm pretty serious. 200 00:08:49,538 --> 00:08:51,018 - The fuck is happening? - It's crazy. 201 00:08:51,081 --> 00:08:52,374 - This is crazy. - I'm sorry. 202 00:08:52,457 --> 00:08:54,543 - What is going on? - Nothing. I just... 203 00:08:54,626 --> 00:08:56,795 Even a photograph would be so meaningful to fans. 204 00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:59,422 Why are you talking? Why are you... 205 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:01,424 - Oh, my God! - Or a comment, 206 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,548 - if you're more comfortable with that. - This is so... 207 00:09:03,593 --> 00:09:04,761 What is your fucking prob... 208 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:08,682 No, no, no. Karen, listen to me. No, no, no. It's not what you think. 209 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:09,766 Oh, my God. Okay. 210 00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,309 This is exactly what I thought would happen. 211 00:09:11,393 --> 00:09:13,645 You know what? Fuck off! Go away. Get lost. 212 00:09:13,728 --> 00:09:15,608 This is exactly what I would think would happen. 213 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:16,523 Really? 214 00:09:16,606 --> 00:09:17,607 You're gonna stalk me in a coffee shop? 215 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,026 - No, I just... - You're gonna ask me to participate? 216 00:09:20,110 --> 00:09:21,736 - Are you high? - They wanted you to do something. 217 00:09:21,820 --> 00:09:23,738 I said you wouldn't do it, and I just did it anyways. 218 00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:28,243 - It was stupid, but it's nice to see you. - You know what? You are a bad man. 219 00:09:28,326 --> 00:09:30,704 - I'm bad? I mean, I'm flawed. - You are. You're a bad... 220 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,539 You know, you're a bad, bad man. 221 00:09:32,622 --> 00:09:35,041 All right. All right! Can we do a selfie? 222 00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:36,918 That was really exciting. 223 00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:38,962 Wait, I could... 'Cause I'd be nice to you? 224 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,338 Now we're becoming whole. 225 00:09:40,422 --> 00:09:42,424 Is this your inner self being nice to you? 226 00:09:42,507 --> 00:09:45,594 - Now we're whole. See? - Yeah. We should do this more often. 227 00:09:46,177 --> 00:09:49,014 I'm just not sexually attracted to you. 228 00:09:49,097 --> 00:09:50,390 That's the thing. I'm sorry. 229 00:09:50,473 --> 00:09:53,643 You're sexually attractive and everything, but we don't have that... 230 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,146 - We don't have that... - I think I owe, uh... 231 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,398 I think I owe Karen some sort of... 232 00:10:00,191 --> 00:10:02,777 Like, I think that I need closure. 233 00:10:03,445 --> 00:10:06,948 Do you ever, though, think that maybe you could've just hung in and... 234 00:10:07,032 --> 00:10:08,241 Yeah, but do you want... 235 00:10:08,325 --> 00:10:11,161 Why do people think that marriage has to be fun all the time? 236 00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:15,040 Or great all the time? Maybe it was just in a rough patch. 237 00:10:15,123 --> 00:10:18,084 - I was dying inside. - Maybe you just felt like you were dying. 238 00:10:18,168 --> 00:10:20,128 How long do rough patches go on for? 239 00:10:20,211 --> 00:10:22,356 Honest to God, when I first sat down here, 240 00:10:22,357 --> 00:10:23,381 you felt like you were dying. 241 00:10:23,465 --> 00:10:25,717 I can't remember what it was that was bothering you now, 242 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,428 and I'm sure you can't either. That's what I'm talking about. 243 00:10:28,511 --> 00:10:29,846 - Huh. - You know, like, 244 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,390 perhaps you had a really great thing, 245 00:10:32,474 --> 00:10:35,602 - and you got impatient, and... - Yeah, we did... 246 00:10:35,685 --> 00:10:38,396 And all of a sudden, there's prenatal vitamins in the... 247 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,232 - I don't wanna... - She was trying to have a baby. 248 00:10:41,316 --> 00:10:42,567 But I... mnh-mnh. 249 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,613 - You told her you wanted to have a baby. - No, I did not. 250 00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:50,033 Oh, my God! That's such a lie that you tell yourself. 251 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:53,036 You told her that you agreed to have a child. 252 00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:56,665 No, I said, I wouldn't... I said maybe. 253 00:10:56,748 --> 00:10:58,667 - Oh, my God. - But I think the... 254 00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,127 But you knew that she wanted to and you knew... 255 00:11:01,211 --> 00:11:02,462 I thought I could talk her out of it. 256 00:11:02,545 --> 00:11:04,297 You guys were having unprotected sex. 257 00:11:04,381 --> 00:11:05,632 Yeah, but I always do. 258 00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:09,552 It doesn't feel good with the thing on. 259 00:11:11,388 --> 00:11:12,806 Are you 17? 260 00:11:14,057 --> 00:11:17,394 No. But it doesn't feel good with it. 261 00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:42,585 ♪ We do so many things in our lives ♪ 262 00:11:44,045 --> 00:11:48,675 ♪ Some call for sacrifice ♪ 263 00:11:50,427 --> 00:11:55,348 ♪ Some are wrong and some are right ♪ 264 00:11:56,474 --> 00:12:00,311 ♪ Some things we have to fight ♪ 265 00:12:00,395 --> 00:12:05,024 - ♪ That's why ♪ - ♪ Temptation is so hard to fight ♪ 266 00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:11,406 - ♪ Oh, baby, I know ♪ - ♪ Temptation is so hard... ♪ 267 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:17,620 Hey, it's Karen Treska. 268 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,748 You can leave a message after the beep. Thanks. 269 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:26,921 I did not mean to interrupt your life, to surprise you like that. 270 00:12:27,005 --> 00:12:28,757 I'm sorry. I can explain it. 271 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,009 I can explain it, but I don't wanna do that right now. 272 00:12:31,092 --> 00:12:33,511 I just wanna apologize. I'm sorry. 273 00:12:33,595 --> 00:12:36,931 I don't know. I'm not... 274 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,018 I've been working on this, you know... 275 00:12:40,101 --> 00:12:41,436 this reissue of the book 276 00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:43,646 and I've been going through all this stuff. 277 00:12:44,105 --> 00:12:46,941 There's so much stuff. Karen, there's so much stuff. 278 00:12:47,025 --> 00:12:49,277 Smashing Pumpkins, the Cubs. 279 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,654 I don't even like baseball. We went to those games. 280 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:55,200 It was nice to see you. It was just nice to see you. Even... 281 00:12:55,992 --> 00:13:00,330 Like, right when I walked in, before it turned to garbage. 282 00:13:01,331 --> 00:13:03,917 There was a moment. There was a moment right then... 283 00:13:04,959 --> 00:13:08,421 when we saw each other, and I saw you. 284 00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:09,545 Can we just have dinner... 285 00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,062 like two middle-aged people 286 00:13:12,063 --> 00:13:15,720 that used to be married and loved each other. 287 00:13:15,804 --> 00:13:16,805 Let me know. 288 00:13:19,057 --> 00:13:20,600 Okay, bye. 289 00:14:16,614 --> 00:14:17,824 - Hey. - Hi. 290 00:14:17,907 --> 00:14:19,659 - How are you? - Good. How are you? 291 00:14:20,201 --> 00:14:21,202 Okay. 292 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:29,002 I think I need to go over some stuff with you as a grownup here. 293 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,378 Mm-hmm. 294 00:14:30,461 --> 00:14:33,129 And take responsibility for some stuff 295 00:14:33,130 --> 00:14:35,842 and try to make you feel sorry for me. 296 00:14:38,636 --> 00:14:39,929 - Okay. - Okay? 297 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,723 - Are you in? - Right. Sure. 298 00:14:48,479 --> 00:14:50,039 You know what I feel bad about? 299 00:14:50,064 --> 00:14:53,776 You know, all that shit was goin' on, and I was getting successful 300 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:54,944 and I was going to LA 301 00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,280 and that thing started with... You know... 302 00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,282 - My mom? - No, with Melanie. 303 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:01,951 - The thing started... - Oh. Sorry, your affair. 304 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,453 Right, that's what I was gonna say, 305 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,747 is that you were going through that thing with your mom. 306 00:15:05,830 --> 00:15:07,665 - And I just... - You can say it. 307 00:15:07,749 --> 00:15:09,000 - She was dying. - Mm-hmm. 308 00:15:13,296 --> 00:15:17,467 And I just couldn't make time to be there for that? 309 00:15:18,509 --> 00:15:19,510 No. 310 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:25,975 I mean, l... Yeah, I'm sorry. 311 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,060 Okay. 312 00:15:28,186 --> 00:15:29,520 Thank you for saying that. 313 00:15:29,604 --> 00:15:33,441 There's gotta be some benefit to getting old and surviving that shit. 314 00:15:33,524 --> 00:15:37,528 And I'm not expecting you to let me off the hook, but I... 315 00:15:38,112 --> 00:15:40,490 I wasn't able to feel it then. I don't know why. 316 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,326 - Fucked up, but I feel it now. - Yeah. 317 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:49,582 I mean, I think in some weird way, in my caretaker-y way, 318 00:15:49,666 --> 00:15:52,460 where I sort of felt like I was put on the Earth 319 00:15:52,543 --> 00:15:55,050 to make sure you never had to feel anything, 320 00:15:55,051 --> 00:15:57,350 um, too uncomfortable or... 321 00:15:58,466 --> 00:16:00,802 unbearable, that I... 322 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,471 probably... 323 00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:11,229 didn't let you feel like there were things you could do. 324 00:16:11,312 --> 00:16:13,648 Not that you would've necessarily known what to do. 325 00:16:13,731 --> 00:16:15,066 - Right. - But... 326 00:16:15,149 --> 00:16:16,776 But I didn't need to go... 327 00:16:16,859 --> 00:16:18,444 - Have an affair? - Right. 328 00:16:19,904 --> 00:16:22,073 - And then write a book about it? - Yeah. 329 00:16:22,156 --> 00:16:24,158 And then... 330 00:16:24,242 --> 00:16:26,035 Do a whole bunch of Q and A's. 331 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,119 Right. 332 00:16:27,704 --> 00:16:31,582 And a lot of interviews. 333 00:16:31,666 --> 00:16:34,544 - And then marry... - Right, right. 334 00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:36,212 - the person... - Yeah, yeah. 335 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,089 And... 336 00:16:38,172 --> 00:16:41,759 And just justify it. 337 00:16:41,843 --> 00:16:44,178 I was completely insensitive. It was fucked up. 338 00:16:44,262 --> 00:16:47,682 And I didn't know that that's the way things would pan out. 339 00:16:47,765 --> 00:16:49,809 But you didn't know things would pan out that way, 340 00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:52,437 and that's the point, is that I didn't either. 341 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,315 So when you told me you were having feelings for somebody else, 342 00:16:55,398 --> 00:16:56,941 I mean, I thought that... 343 00:16:58,276 --> 00:16:59,360 It doesn't matter. 344 00:16:59,444 --> 00:17:02,280 - What? - No, I just thought that we... 345 00:17:03,197 --> 00:17:05,190 I thought it was something 346 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,451 that you were saying you wanted to work through. 347 00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,703 - Oh... - It doesn't... 348 00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:10,955 When I say it doesn't matter, it really... 349 00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:12,040 Now it sounds like... 350 00:17:12,123 --> 00:17:13,843 - No, it's fair. - It really doesn't matter. 351 00:17:13,916 --> 00:17:16,210 - But that's what... - I had to commit to it. 352 00:17:16,294 --> 00:17:17,795 I didn't think there was any way... 353 00:17:17,879 --> 00:17:20,882 Even if we were to work it out, how would you ever forgive that? 354 00:17:20,965 --> 00:17:23,968 And I didn't wanna live my whole life to be this apology 355 00:17:24,052 --> 00:17:27,847 and just, like, end up with kids, this beaten dude who fucked up, 356 00:17:27,930 --> 00:17:29,970 and his whole life is now built around that fuck up. 357 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,268 How would you not have punished me for... 358 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,979 So you wanted to end it because you didn't like the narrative 359 00:17:35,063 --> 00:17:37,190 of being somebody who cheated on his wife? 360 00:17:37,732 --> 00:17:40,610 I obviously liked that narrative. I wrote a book about it. 361 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:44,197 But I didn't wanna be the guy who was still married 362 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,658 and was just this, like, beaten man 363 00:17:47,742 --> 00:17:50,745 who has to spend his whole life living in this mistake. 364 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,624 I didn't feel like we could have overcome it. 365 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:56,751 How's it going? 366 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,511 All right. Mistakes averted. 367 00:18:06,594 --> 00:18:10,181 I agree with you, and I think you're right in thinking that, 368 00:18:10,264 --> 00:18:12,301 that I did not take into consideration 369 00:18:12,302 --> 00:18:14,602 what you might've been going through 370 00:18:14,685 --> 00:18:16,270 or even your feelings or anything else. 371 00:18:16,354 --> 00:18:20,691 No, but it was to such a degree that it's almost feels dumb 372 00:18:20,775 --> 00:18:22,652 to apologize for it at this point. 373 00:18:23,986 --> 00:18:27,782 I don't know if it's dumb. It took me this long to recognize it. 374 00:18:27,865 --> 00:18:30,243 Yeah, but it took me this long to forget about it. 375 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:31,327 I know. 376 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:37,834 The other thing was just, like, what was I doing? What was I doing? 377 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,503 Was it real? Was it not real? I don't know. 378 00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:43,089 I don't know if I'm even capable of the real thing. 379 00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,108 Do you think I am? Do you think I was? 380 00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:48,261 Was I... Did it feel like... 'Cause we... 381 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,389 And I'm not even sure how much I processed. 382 00:18:51,472 --> 00:18:54,225 I think I was just too busy thinking about what'd make a good comic. 383 00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:57,603 Oh, my God. I can't... This is so awful. 384 00:18:57,687 --> 00:18:58,688 - Really? - Yeah. 385 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,356 - I thought it was going well. - It was, 386 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,200 and then I just started all of a sudden 387 00:19:02,201 --> 00:19:05,486 to feel like I was just 20 years ago... 388 00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:09,407 - and I'm 25 years old... - Yeah. 389 00:19:09,490 --> 00:19:13,286 and I'm with this guy that is eight years my senior 390 00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:16,372 and is supposed to, like, you know... 391 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:20,126 I just remember spending so much time trying to understand you, 392 00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:25,756 and I think it was like a full-time job just trying to understand you 393 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,092 and understand how you tick enough to take care of you 394 00:19:28,176 --> 00:19:33,014 when no part of you was interested in taking care of me. 395 00:19:33,097 --> 00:19:35,600 And now here we are. I'm sitting across from you at a table, 396 00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:38,144 and you're asking me to take care of you again. 397 00:19:38,227 --> 00:19:40,980 And I just... I'm not... Like I said, I... 398 00:19:42,690 --> 00:19:44,400 - I get to be the mess now. - Okay. 399 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:45,818 You know, I get to be... 400 00:19:46,611 --> 00:19:48,451 I get to be unhinged if I fucking feel like it. 401 00:19:48,529 --> 00:19:52,074 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. 402 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,619 But you call me to this table and you're asking me to... 403 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,706 I'm just asking you to... I'm looking for redemption. 404 00:19:58,789 --> 00:20:01,469 I'm looking for forgiveness. If you don't got it, you don't have to. 405 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,901 - I don't know if I have it. - Okay. 406 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,600 I didn't know I was supposed to bring it. 407 00:20:05,463 --> 00:20:08,382 You have to warn somebody about this kind of stuff. 408 00:20:08,466 --> 00:20:10,635 All right, well, we've got dessert. 409 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,805 Oh, my God. This place... 410 00:20:14,889 --> 00:20:16,182 - Right? - Yeah. 411 00:20:16,265 --> 00:20:19,393 - Right? You're time-traveling, remember? - Yeah. 412 00:20:19,477 --> 00:20:21,729 - Right? - The smell brings it back. 413 00:20:21,812 --> 00:20:24,148 When was the last time that you were here? With me? 414 00:20:24,232 --> 00:20:27,318 - Yeah. Obviously, that's when. - That's insane. I never come here anymore. 415 00:20:27,401 --> 00:20:29,361 - How's it going, Jeff? - Good, how are you doing? 416 00:20:30,112 --> 00:20:31,113 What are you having? 417 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:32,490 Um... 418 00:20:33,616 --> 00:20:35,535 I've been married a couple times myself. 419 00:20:35,618 --> 00:20:36,619 - You have? - Yeah, I have. 420 00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:38,913 Did you learn so much from those... 421 00:20:38,996 --> 00:20:43,459 I did, 'cause I really loved my first wife, and I was just too... 422 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:44,627 - Oh, you did? - I did. 423 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:48,172 I bet you treated her great. Huh? I bet no regrets there. 424 00:20:48,256 --> 00:20:51,092 - I think I did. - Yeah, 'cause you loved her so much. 425 00:20:51,175 --> 00:20:52,843 - I did, I loved her so much. - Yeah. 426 00:20:52,927 --> 00:20:56,222 And then, I got some... I got crazy. I got... 427 00:20:56,305 --> 00:20:57,598 - Oh, you got crazy? - I got crazy. 428 00:20:57,682 --> 00:20:59,141 That's what happened? 429 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,730 Yeah, you know, I found some success, 430 00:21:01,731 --> 00:21:03,700 and I thought she was bringing me down 431 00:21:03,771 --> 00:21:07,191 - and then some other stuff happened... - Oh. Yeah. I mean... 432 00:21:07,275 --> 00:21:09,026 I met someone else and, you know... 433 00:21:09,110 --> 00:21:11,404 - Oh, God. Really? - Yeah. 434 00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:14,240 - And you just threw it all away? - I did. 435 00:21:14,323 --> 00:21:16,284 - I threw it all away. - All right. Well... 436 00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:18,494 I'm sure the second marriage went great, though, huh? 437 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:21,452 It didn't. It felt good for a while, 438 00:21:21,453 --> 00:21:24,000 and then it just, uh, kinda got very ugly 439 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,043 - and then, you know, now I'm old. - Mmm. 440 00:21:26,669 --> 00:21:27,795 Yeah. 441 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:30,715 What happened with, uh, your guy? He... 442 00:21:30,798 --> 00:21:32,842 Oh, I don't know. He just... you know... 443 00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:36,053 Long story short. He left me for another woman, 444 00:21:36,137 --> 00:21:37,897 - Ugh! - which would have been fine, I guess. 445 00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:39,181 Then he wrote a book about it. 446 00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:41,559 That book went very public, and a lot of people read it. 447 00:21:41,642 --> 00:21:42,882 - Really? He's a writer? - Yeah. 448 00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:44,103 So that didn't feel great. 449 00:21:44,186 --> 00:21:47,356 But it must be very exciting to be with an artist of any kind. 450 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,317 - Yeah, it was very exciting. - Yeah. 451 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,070 In fact, I have many happy, happy associations 452 00:21:53,154 --> 00:21:54,989 - with that time. Yeah. - That's sweet. Right? 453 00:21:55,072 --> 00:21:57,783 - So, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. - Yeah... You know... 454 00:21:57,867 --> 00:21:58,909 It really wasn't. 455 00:22:02,872 --> 00:22:04,582 Oh, God. 456 00:22:04,665 --> 00:22:06,083 - But, you know... - What? 457 00:22:06,167 --> 00:22:08,169 - We lived, we loved, we laughed. - Uh-huh. 458 00:22:08,252 --> 00:22:10,338 - And now... - Yeah. 459 00:22:10,421 --> 00:22:11,672 Do you have a... 460 00:22:12,506 --> 00:22:15,676 What... so are... Did you remarry? What happened? 461 00:22:16,594 --> 00:22:19,639 Oh, no, Jacob. I would love to tell you. 462 00:22:19,722 --> 00:22:22,224 - Because it is quite a tale. - Yeah. 463 00:22:22,308 --> 00:22:24,477 - But I'm afraid... - What? 464 00:22:25,311 --> 00:22:28,022 - I'm just not gonna tell you about myself. - What? 465 00:22:28,105 --> 00:22:29,565 - Yeah? - Yeah. 466 00:22:29,648 --> 00:22:31,359 - Not ever? - Not ever. 467 00:22:31,442 --> 00:22:34,403 Come on. Did you get married again? Did you meet somebody else? 468 00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:35,905 I did not get married again. 469 00:22:35,988 --> 00:22:38,616 - Oh, kiss me. Come on. - No, too soon, Jacob! 470 00:22:38,699 --> 00:22:40,826 - Too soon. Bad game. - God damn. 471 00:22:42,286 --> 00:22:43,287 What do you wanna do? 472 00:22:43,371 --> 00:22:44,663 Do you wanna kiss a little bit? 473 00:22:45,790 --> 00:22:48,084 Oh. 474 00:22:50,753 --> 00:22:52,922 - I just had a crazy déjà vu. - Wow. 475 00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:57,468 - Did you just have crazy déjà vu? - I just felt it in my whole body. 476 00:23:26,414 --> 00:23:29,792 I'm so sad that you lost that battle. It should have been the cover. 477 00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:33,170 - Yeah, I don't know what... - Juxtaposition is... 478 00:23:33,254 --> 00:23:34,255 Yeah, it's... 479 00:23:34,338 --> 00:23:37,299 Better. But, yeah, the other cover is good. 480 00:23:58,863 --> 00:24:00,865 I gotta go to the bathroom. 481 00:24:42,281 --> 00:24:43,616 The fuck? 482 00:25:39,463 --> 00:25:41,966 All right. 483 00:25:42,716 --> 00:25:43,717 Sorry... 484 00:25:44,927 --> 00:25:46,637 it took me so long. 485 00:25:50,474 --> 00:25:51,475 Karen? 486 00:25:58,983 --> 00:25:59,984 Karen? 487 00:26:40,608 --> 00:26:44,069 I just can't fucking believe it! All you did was hurt a person. 488 00:26:44,153 --> 00:26:47,448 That's all you did, was hurt a person that was already hurt. 489 00:26:47,531 --> 00:26:48,532 Can we get Terry, please? 490 00:26:48,616 --> 00:26:51,368 You're a morally bankrupt fucking monster. 491 00:26:51,452 --> 00:26:52,494 - Okay. - Publicist. 492 00:26:52,578 --> 00:26:54,330 What do you mean, "Okay," funny face? 493 00:26:54,413 --> 00:26:56,165 - I didn't make a funny face. - Jesus. Fuck! 494 00:26:56,248 --> 00:26:59,376 Why did you do that? Why would you fucking do that? 495 00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:02,838 I told you not to do that. All you did was hurt somebody. 496 00:27:02,921 --> 00:27:04,923 - Terry's here. - Okay, well... Terry, hi! 497 00:27:05,007 --> 00:27:06,925 - Jacob? Jacob, can you see... - What? 498 00:27:07,009 --> 00:27:09,178 It's Terry. Jacob, how are you doing? 499 00:27:09,261 --> 00:27:11,701 You don't have to say your name when you're on the fucking TV. 500 00:27:11,764 --> 00:27:13,207 Well, I can't see you, Jacob. 501 00:27:13,208 --> 00:27:15,476 Can you sit down or something? 502 00:27:15,559 --> 00:27:18,437 - Terry, what the fuck... What did you do? - We see you. 503 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:20,731 - What's the problem? - These fucking animals, 504 00:27:20,814 --> 00:27:23,442 fucking monster and her henchman doofus here, 505 00:27:23,525 --> 00:27:26,213 they took those pictures of me and Karen arguing 506 00:27:26,214 --> 00:27:27,214 and put 'em out in the world. 507 00:27:27,254 --> 00:27:29,948 She took 'em behind my back when I was just standing there. 508 00:27:30,032 --> 00:27:32,910 - I went there to make a point. - My understanding was you were aware 509 00:27:32,993 --> 00:27:34,536 that the picture was gonna be posted. 510 00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:36,789 Who told you that? Lying sack of shit here? 511 00:27:36,872 --> 00:27:40,042 On some level, there was knowledge that something was being done. 512 00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:43,796 - Lauren is a very truthful person, Jacob. - Wait, what? 513 00:27:43,879 --> 00:27:45,923 You can trust what Lauren tells you. 514 00:27:46,006 --> 00:27:47,091 Are you out of your mind? 515 00:27:47,174 --> 00:27:50,552 She's a publicist! There's no truth there! It's like a void! 516 00:27:50,636 --> 00:27:52,388 - A moral void. - Okay... I mean... 517 00:27:52,471 --> 00:27:55,891 She's only trying to do what's best for the project, Jacob. 518 00:27:55,974 --> 00:27:58,310 I think you might like to know 519 00:27:58,394 --> 00:28:02,606 that pre-sales have gone up probably 40, 50 times 520 00:28:02,690 --> 00:28:04,983 - Mmm! - since that picture was posted. 521 00:28:05,067 --> 00:28:07,387 - All right, so, I guess... - They're in the top 10%! 522 00:28:07,444 --> 00:28:08,570 What? 523 00:28:08,654 --> 00:28:10,823 They're in the top 10% of sales right now. 524 00:28:10,906 --> 00:28:13,951 Oh, okay, you guys are a great team. 525 00:28:14,034 --> 00:28:15,872 And the New York Review of Books 526 00:28:15,873 --> 00:28:17,371 is talking about doing an article. 527 00:28:17,454 --> 00:28:19,790 - All right. - And the fans are loving it. 528 00:28:19,873 --> 00:28:21,750 - They are eating it all up. - Of course. 529 00:28:21,834 --> 00:28:24,920 Lauren, did you tell him about Jimmy yet? 530 00:28:25,004 --> 00:28:27,172 - Oh! Oh... - Jimmy. Who's Jimmy? 531 00:28:27,256 --> 00:28:29,299 "Who's Jimmy?" I don't know. Jimmy Fallon. 532 00:28:29,383 --> 00:28:30,623 - What about Jimmy Fallon? - Yeah. 533 00:28:30,676 --> 00:28:32,136 - The Tonight Show? - Uh-huh. 534 00:28:32,219 --> 00:28:35,347 Would you like to be a guest, do the couch with Jimmy? 535 00:28:36,682 --> 00:28:38,434 Yeah, yeah, got it. 536 00:28:38,517 --> 00:28:39,852 - Oh, yeah? - I got you on. Yeah. 537 00:28:39,935 --> 00:28:41,975 - All right, well, that's... - On the couch. 538 00:28:42,021 --> 00:28:44,523 On the couch, honey, the couch. 539 00:28:44,606 --> 00:28:46,316 That shirt really brings out your eyes. 540 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:49,069 Okay! Okay. Can I just say one thing? 541 00:28:49,153 --> 00:28:52,031 I just wanna point out that this doesn't make it right. 542 00:28:52,114 --> 00:28:54,331 You all hurt someone's feelings. You're craven. 543 00:28:54,332 --> 00:28:55,784 You're all fucking craven. 544 00:28:55,868 --> 00:28:56,952 You too, Terry! 545 00:28:57,036 --> 00:28:59,163 And you too, Himmler. All right? 546 00:28:59,872 --> 00:29:03,500 All right. That said, did anyone talk to Colbert? 547 00:29:03,584 --> 00:29:05,836 Did anyone reach out to Colbert? Anybody? 548 00:29:08,355 --> 00:29:11,800 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 44041

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