Original subtitles

Are you thinking what I'm thinking about that bounce castle?

Bounce rocket?

Oh, yeah, I think so. You wanna have sex with it?

Yeah, but with it?

I was thinking in it, but we could have sex with it.

- We can do it inside. - That could be cool.

You can stick the cones up my butt.

- Hey! - Hey.

Harrison, would you put up the piñata in about 20 minutes?

Will I? Is that a question?

- You signed up for the piñata. - Baker!

- Don't try to weasel out of it. - Be gentle.

- They're smaller than you. - Hey, Baker!

Baker, you listen to your mother.

Hey! Who wants to climb on a fire truck?

Hey, Whitman! Whitman.

They may let you blow the horn.

- Hey! - There you are.

- How you doing? Good to see you. - You, too.

Hey, guys, the fire truck's out.

Juan, thanks again for doing this.

This is great. Thanks for coming out.

John, good to see you. Yeah. You got it.

What do you think? It's pretty good, right?

One, two, three.

Mike. Mike, will you send me that photo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm gonna spin you around.

No, wait. Take one last look. You see where that is?

Watch your feet.

Hey, they're deflating the bouncy castle.

- Go get your shoes. - Okay.

You don't come back with shoes, you don't come back at all.

Hey. A toast.

To another successful block party which would not have happened

without Annie and Mike. Thank you, guys.

- It was Mike that saved the day... - Thanks, guys.

- with the fire truck. - Stop it.

- Thanks, buddy. - Thank you.

- The fire truck was crucial. - It was huge!

- Best neighborhood ever. - Best neighborhood.

- Best neighborhood. Cheers. - Cheers.

- Hey! How are you? - Hi! How are you?

- Hey, Harry, how you doin'? - Good.

- Hi. - Hi.

Have you seen a package?

Mmm, no. I put the mail on the counter.

There was no box or anything?

I don't think so.

That's really weird. 'Cause I got, like, one of those alert things.

Maybe it was delivered to the neighbors' house.

Yeah, I think so.

Are you hungry?

I don't know. What's the next step beyond ice cream?

- Harrison, is everything okay? - Uh...

Yeah, I think so. I'm just missing a package.

- You're missing a what? - A package.

I ordered a book, and they sent me a text alert that it had arrived.

- And it's not there. - That's weird.

- I'm thinking they... - Good to see ya.

We had a package go missing the other day.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was just thinking it was just, like, they probably dropped it off

- at the next-door neighbors' or something... - That's interesting.

I heard Helen down the street had a package go missing.

I have seen security videos of people that go into apartment buildings

- and grab packages and take off. - You think someone stole it?

I don't know if somebody stole yours.

Or ours. That's not what I am saying. I'm just saying people do that.

- So it's possible? - It is possible, yeah.

It didn't occur to me.

But it makes sense. They're just sitting there.

- You know, we've got one of those... - All right.

nest cameras. I'll point it at my door. Maybe something...

- Okay. - it will catch something.

- Let me know if you turn anything up. - Yeah, sure.

- I hope you find it. - Good night, guys.

Night.

Oh, my God.

He looks Hispanic.

- Whoa! - I don't know.

- What? He looks Hispanic. - You can't tell from that.

You can't tell that.

That's not what... I'm not trying to racial profile.

- I'm just saying... - We're not saying you are.

- but that's how you reacted. - Oh, no, no. no.

Fred and Ricardo are some of my best guys. They're Hispanic.

Yeah, I think it's a little blurry. I'm not 100% sure.

What can you tell about that?

Okay, so we take a still from this and then put something above,

like, "We're watching you!"

- Put it above the sign. - That's a great idea.

We put it on everybody's door.

That way, if he comes to the door,

he knows that we know what he's doing.

You can't get away with this. Because we are a community. And...

You wouldn't feel like that? If you were gonna steal a package

and you went up to the door and saw a picture of yourself?

I'm here during the day a lot, so if I see anything sketchy,

I will call 911 in a second.

Yeah, or we could maybe just try

supporting our local businesses more and stop ordering packages online.

Are you kidding? No. Yes. Maybe. Half-half. Half, right?

I'm just saying they're packages, and they're from Amazon or wherever.

I know. But some of these packages are expensive,

like the pesticides I get.

- If he steals that... - I totally get it. But the guy's not...

and does something with it, I'm on the hook.

It's not about the package itself or the contents.

We're a community. There are children here.

It starts with packages. I just feel unsafe.

We don't want a witch hunt.

We don't wanna hurt anyone.

I don't want you to think we're not shopping locally.

I don't care if you guys are shopping locally.

- I was not... - The hardware store...

What I was trying to say was there's more...

I'm keeping them in business with all the work I'm doing in the yard.

Okay. It's fine. I'm just saying...

I'm just saying, I don't think we should get too carried away.

We'll start with flyers, which seems like a small step.

Why don't we start with everyone getting a machine gun?

And if we wanna go there, let's just...

We can't order it online, 'cause clearly we'll never get it.

What if the flyers say,

"We're sorry that your life has gone

down a path where you have to steal.

And we hope that things turn out better for you."

It's very small font. That's a lot of words.

- All right. It's gonna work. - Hmm.

It's creepy.

If I was walking down the street and I saw all of those creepy flyers,

I wouldn't like anyone that lived in the neighborhood,

and I wouldn't wanna live here.

And I just think that it's bad neighborhood karma

that we're putting out there. And it's unnecessary.

- That's all I'm saying - I hear you.

You like the flyers.

- No, I don't like the flyers. - Oh, you don't.

I thought you liked the flyers.

Now I realize you don't like the flyers.

I'm serious.

Yeah, you mentioned it. I get it. I got it.

I don't like that you like them.

You know what? I don't even know if I like them anymore.

What I know is that I had an idea and...

you just, like...

felt compelled to offer your opinion about it.

And, you know, just let it be.

Just let me do my thing. Let me get the flyers up, see if it works.

Okay, dude, I'll let you do your thing.

You're really mad about this?

This is important to you?

You're gonna make a thing of this?

I'm not mad.

Excuse me! What's in the bag? Can I help you?

- It's enough to start an investigation. - Definitely.

Where's the first place you saw him?

I saw him there

and then tried to follow him 'cause he went out of my sight.

I went around the house.

When I came out, he was coming down from the porch.

Right. And when you shouted, he ran?

- Yeah, but I was... - Will you e-mail me these photographs?

- Did he look at you? - No. No.

When you shouted, he didn't look at you?

He did this. And then...

- What's happening? - Will you e-mail them?

- He caught the guy. Yeah. - I think I caught the guy.

- If this is the guy... - It's absolutely the same guy.

- And he was so brave. He just chased him. - Anyone would've done it.

Will you e-mail me these?

Marsha does the newsletter. I want her to send them out to everyone.

Yeah. I'll do that.

I wish I would have been here to help.

That's the house that he was stealing from?

That was the one that didn't have the flyers.

That was the guy who didn't put up the flyers.

Well, I'm sure he saw the other flyers on every other house.

- But that's still pretty ballsy. - But if the one house...

He wears New Balance. He's definitely a runner.

Come on! Where's the speed? Think on your feet!

Make it quick. I'm in the middle of practice.

The parents voted to make the workshop mandatory.

I can't think of anyone at this school

that could benefit more from sensitivity training than you.

Tell 'em to talk to me if they have a problem.

- They're all afraid of you. - Good.

Why did we start a group text if not for this?

I mean, it seems like the perfect example of when you should send a group text.

I don't wanna alarm everyone. It's late.

I don't wanna alarm anybody either, but they've been there for...

What are they doing? They've been there for ten minutes.

And it is late. You're right. Hmm, I don't know.

I'm gonna text 'em. I'm gonna text 'em. Just better safe than sorry.

Okay.

No. No-phone zone.

Oh!

- Sorry. - Yeah. It's cool. It's okay.

"Suspicious car on the street. Two guys inside."

It's the neighborhood watch group text.

What are people saying?

I think we should go out as a group. I'm gonna ask them.

A united front. More like, "You can't mess with us. We're a team."

- Yeah. - Okay.

"Can we all go out together?"

Whitman's saying, "Looks like the package thief.

We should go out and confront as a group."

Confront them about what?

- No, that's weird. - I'm gonna take a look.

- No. - I think it's interesting.

It's not interesting. People are allowed to be in their cars on streets.

I'm checking it out.

So that's the car. They said it was in front of the Brentons'.

Great. It's a car with people in it. There's nothing weird about that.

No, what's weird is that it's parked on the street,

and nobody on this block parks on the street.

They park in their driveway, their garage.

Well, it could be two people having an argument

- before they go into someone else's house. - Are we gonna play this game?

- It could be teenagers getting stoned. - Are we writing fiction?

- That's all I did for five years. - It could be old ladies talking

about baskets they're weaving,

but it could be a terrorist or somebody casing the block.

- A terrorist? - I'm not saying it's a terrorist.

We don't know what it is.

- What are we doing? We're just gonna wait? - Oh, fuck, Mike.

What is Mike doing?

I don't know. We didn't get a consensus on the group text.

What is he doing?

- He's probably asking what they're doing. - Oh, my God!

That's crazy. This is your guys' fault.

- He thinks he's some hero. - What's crazy about it?

If they're not doing anything wrong...

Sorry to bother you, guys. Are you lost? Can I help you?

- No, we're cool, man. - Yeah, we good.

- What are you guys doing? - Just chillin', man.

- Enjoying the night. - Do you guys live around here, or...

Right around the corner.

- I'm gonna back him up. - No, don't go out there. Christopher!

I'm just gonna talk to 'em and make sure that Mike's okay.

- It's fine. - Bring something to protect yourself.

- Babe, I don't need anything. - These people could be crazy.

What's gonna happen?

We're just gonna talk. It's gonna be fine.

Please be safe.

- It's gonna be fine, babe. Don't worry. - I don't like this.

How do you know he's harassing them?

- You don't know what he's saying. - Look at his body language.

Now Whitman's coming out. What the fuck?

I'm a concerned citizen. I live on the block.

- We've just... - Hey, Mike?

- Yeah? - Everything okay?

Yeah. I think so.

Just two kids smoking reefer and hanging out, I guess.

Why are you guys here? Why did you guys stop on this block?

What's with all the questions?

Like I said, we've had some problems with disappearing packages and...

- So you accuse us? - No, I just don't recognize the car.

I didn't recognize you, and you're not answering the questions.

- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Oh, my fucking God!

- Ah, shit! What the fuck? - Stay in the car.

Ah, fuck, man!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Fuck. Do you have your phone?

Did you mace them?

I'm sorry! You should have stayed in the car.

- Sit down. Jesus Christ. - I don't wanna sit down.

Well, back up. Just back up. Come on.

- Fine. God! - Fuck you!

- The kid came at me. - Take it easy.

- Guys, settle down. - Fuck you!

I got it. I got this.

- Is it legal for a man to carry mace? - I'm gonna press charges.

What I want to know is are you willing to sign complaints?

- Yes. - Of course.

- Okay. Everybody... - I can't open my eyes!

I gotta talk to Whitman by himself.

- Separately. - Okay. That's fine.

- Will you come find me? - Yeah.

- Do me a favor. Get to the sidewalk. - No shit, Sherlock.

Whitman, don't worry about these guys.

I need you to talk to me separately.

Take it nice and slow, from the beginning. What happened?

Okay. So we saw this car here maybe a half an hour or so.

We thought that was suspicious.

We have a group text...

... for suspicious things in the neighborhood.

Ah, my fuckin' eye.

- This is crazy. - Yeah, it's totally crazy.

I think this completely sucks. And this is our fault.

- This is what I was talking about. - I know.

With the flyers and group texting and paranoia.

You guys watching people out your windows. And it's all unnecessary.

People are hurt.

This is totally out of hand, you guys. It doesn't make any sense.

Three weeks ago, we were having fun, enjoying ourselves.

We live on a safe block.

There are ambulances here now.

I don't mean to interrupt, but I need your statement.

Guys, please, hit the sidewalk for me, okay?

Is there anything we need to know?

It looks really good out here.

- Ooh-ooh! - What?

Ew!

Oh, wow. Oh, my God!

- Should I leave him in there? - I don't know. You're the expert.

- He's my wormy friend. - He might die in there.

Right? How long you think he'll live?

Can I...

Hey!

Harry! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

- Somebody! Help! - Hey!

- That's him! - Stop!

- Stop right there! - Call the police!

Hey. Hey! Hey!

Shit!

I got him.

Uh, yeah. We need someone quick.

We caught a thief.

Is everyone okay?

Uh, 10028 Seelie Street.

Are you okay?

- You okay? - Uh,

I don't know. 5'5"... 5'8", 5'9", 175.

Maybe he's Hispanic. I don't know.

Got you.

No, it's happening right now. It's happening right now.

Oh, God.

Uh, Doug said that if he doesn't take a plea deal,

uh, we need to be open to testifying.

Really? So we may have to go in?

We might need to clear our schedules, go in.

- Wow. - How soon will that happen?

- Next month? - In a few weeks.

They probably have a lot of cases.

Coffee klatch over there.

- The umbrella summit. - I like that.

- I don't wanna make a case. - Drew Baker. Blueberry Brubaker case?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's a great idea.

- Hey. Hey, guys! - Hi!

How you doing, tough guy? You good?

Yeah, I'm good.

Harry, you better watch out for her.

- Yeah. - You better watch out.

- All right. Have a good day. - Thank you.

You're like Urlacher.

Where, Al?

South Side, nice neighborhood.

Oh, really nice.

South Side Chicago, this area called Beverly,

this woman got fed up with people taking packages

off her and her neighbors' porch.

She confronted the person. There was a smackdown.

- Now, the PC police are all over her. - Oh, no.

She's my hero. I'm sending her a Mancow shirt.

I want her to wear it loud and proud. She is our hero of the day.

Absolutely.

The package vigilante of Beverly. Let's hear it for her!

- Yes! - It's a celebration up in here!

Fuck.

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