Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

I don't know why this is happening, sorry.

No, it's fine.

Hold on. I'll pull it this way.

I think I'm gonna actually go get another drink, since...

Okay. All right.

- I need to keep drinking. - I'll find you.

You know what I'm saying? I'll see you in a second.

All right.

- This is not my life. - Yeah, okay.

This is not... I mean, like, uh...

- I'm a stay-at-home dad. - Uh-huh, well...

Andi makes way more money than me.

- Okay. - We're totally happy.

Okay. Happy, yeah!

- We have great sex. - Happy. Okay.

Hmm?

- What's the... - Do you?

Well, who does...

...after knowing each other for 19 years and...

I mean, I don't think it's because of the money.

- I mean, it's because... - What are you guys talking about?

- Oh, nothing. - You would like this.

- No, don't even bother. Don't... - Mmm-hmm.

- She would hate this. - What?

- No. No, I read a study. - Trust me.

And it says couples who observe more gender normative roles

have more sex.

- He read an article. - What is gender normative role?

- What is that? What are they? - It's stereotypically classical, uh,

male and female tasks in the home,

such as the male being the primary breadwinner

and the wife cleans the house and does the dishes and takes care of the kids.

Yes.

What, that they have...

- People that do that... - They have more and better sex.

- More and better. - Oh, and better!

And that's totally measurable.

- It's... - Talking about sex?

- I am talking about a study. Yes. - About the study.

- Hey, baby, you gotta hear this. - But is this just because

he doesn't want to do any housework?

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

What the point of all of...

Aspects of the study may benefit personal desires of mine,

but the fact remains, according to this at least,

if I was doing less laundry and less dishes,

we would be having more sex.

- Who did they poll in this? - Exactly.

- They studied people. - But do you not see

- how deeply sexist this is? - See, that's not about sex.

- Yeah. - That is... It's true, it's not about sex.

That's a man feeling like somehow he's lost his power

because his wife is making more money.

- It's comin' from her side. - Yeah, but if...

She's happier, but less likely to want to have sex.

No, it's not our fault if you feel emasculated.

Exactly.

If you feel emasculated because you don't go to work

and you're staying home and doing the dishes,

like, you can't take it out on your wife

and then blame her for not wanting to fuck you or something.

- Excuse my French. - But you're saying that the women said

that they are less likely to want to fuck the guy if they're making more money.

- Than the man. - Oh! Bam! Okay.

No. I disagree.

It's gotta be about more than that. If I don't want to fuck you,

I don't care how many dishes you do or don't do,

or how much laundry you do or don't do. There's something else missing.

- I agree. - That's why I don't want to fuck you.

You would tell me, right?

- What? - If... You would tell me, right?

If...

if my staying at home with the kids and you going to work...

- Kyle. Kyle. - ...that made you less attracted to me,

- you would tell me. - Kyle.

I would... There's nothing to tell you.

It's okay if it's true. I just want to know.

Honey, I'm so attracted to you.

I have been attracted to you since I met you.

Right, but when I started staying home with the kids,

and you went to work full-time, did that...

- did that change your opinion of me? - I... I didn't have... No.

Oh, my God, if anything, it made me love you more and...

Right, but not love me more. You know what I'm asking.

Honey, when people have kids, they're not like...

I think it's... It is hard sometimes.

- Hey! - Hey, party animals.

- Hi. - Oh, yeah.

- How was it? - It was good.

It was okay. Excuse me a second.

Do you... What time did they go down?

Oh, like 9:00.

- Okay, that's not bad. - Yep. No.

Did they ever, uh...

figure out what they wanted to be for Halloween? Have they decided?

Uh, we discussed it for a minute.

Yeah, uh,

Penny wants to be a princess and Allen will be her knight.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Cute, right? - It is cute.

Um, we forgot to get cash. Can we PayPal you?

- Yes. - I'm so sorry.

- Sorry. - It was his fault.

- That's fine. I don't... - Just saying.

- It is my fault. - He said he was going to the ATM

- and then he didn't. - Of course.

- All right, guys. - All right, thank you, honey.

- Thank you. - Bye. Thank you.

See you soon. Okay, bye-bye.

Did she say princess and knight?

- Yeah. Isn't that such a weird out? - That's totally weird.

- I don't get it. - I thought our kids were cool.

I thought they were cool, too.

- We might have to take 'em back. - Losers!

Return them.

Exactly. That's why we have to use the beet juice coloring.

We can't do artificial red.

If you want me to resend you that email where I go into detail about

tumors in mice and hyperactivity in children, I can,

but I think you get it.

Trevin, if you guys are gonna hire me to do these organic cookies,

I have to have organic ingredients. Just... Okay, please let me know.

If you really wanna go crazy. But you guys, we gotta be out of here

in, like, 20 to 30 minutes 'cause then we're gonna go to lunch.

- Okay? - All right.

Just pick one.

Whoa!

I found the article. I read the study.

What I want to know is the reason that I don't want to have sex.

Because I'm seeing him do the dishes and clean, clean,

would I be more into... would I be, like, turned on

if he was chopping wood or being manly?

Am I gonna be all fired up and want to do it?

Or is this because we're 15 years into a relationship?

His libido...

Any guy who's gonna be turning 40 is... He can't help it.

Like, his cock doesn't get rock hard.

It's not like...

Who wants to fuck, like, a medium-hard cock?

It's...

I just, I...

I knew that cock when it was... 20.

It's... It was a very different... All right, call me back.

Just... just call me back.

She's mapping my masculinity as we speak, and I'm losing my mind.

And it's all because of your fucking husband.

I'm sorry.

And he just loves to smell somebody's problems,

smell your vulnerability, and then go for it.

- He does. - He does!

- I'm sorry. - And it's obnoxious.

Yes, it is.

He pokes the bear.

He doesn't poke the bear. He, like, runs up to the bear

and, like, tweaks its nipples and smacks it in the face,

and then says, like, "That guy did it."

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, marriage, it's, um...

No, my marriage.

With my insane, lovely, beautiful, incredible, insane wife.

Right. Right, but your... your marvelously...

- caring, wonderful wife who... - Yes, caring wife

who gave up her nascent career as a theater artist

and got a corporate gig to support my theater habit,

which has always been a problem in our relationship,

and I already have to overcome

the "get a real job" thing from my wife,

and there's already a fucking thing in our relationship

about her wearing the pants and her winning the money,

and me taking care of her babies and being, you know,

the stay-at-home dad.

I think, you know, I think anytime when you have a marriage

when you have someone who's staying in the arts

and someone who's kind of firmly rooted...

in the corporate community,

you're always gonna have that battle of imbalance,

I think, no matter what the sex.

And that's a very delicate, you know...

- Well, exactly. - ...part in your marriage.

- Exactly. - I understand that, but I...

I think right now, you're focusing on something really...

kind of marvelous, which...

- What? - Your play.

Oh, right.

- Which, if you'd like to talk about it... - Which is...

...I would, because I read it and I...

Sure, yeah. I mean, of course. That's why we're here. I, uh...

- I took some notes. - Oh, my God. Wow.

I did. I really think that there's something pretty...

fantastic here.

What are you gonna do tonight?

Um, I'm actually really excited.

I'm gonna watch this, uh, documentary about slavery.

Oh.

If that doesn't sound appealing enough, it's supposed to be, uh,

three and a half hours long and it's supposedly very academic.

Oh, honey.

Is that for your play

- that you've been working on? - Yeah, yeah.

Supposedly, uh, the middle section's all about 19th century America

and the Emancipation Proclamation and the Civil War.

So proud of you.

- I just... - Thanks.

I just think you're really, really such a special...

beautiful actor...

and person, and writer.

And I just love you so much.

Wow.

That means so much. Thank you for saying that.

You're under my spell now, Officer.

You'll do anything I want.

- Ooh. - Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

- Wow! - Oh, Jesus!

- This is a great documentary. - Oh, my God.

- This is the slave documentary that you... - No. No.

Oh, my God!

"Oh, I'm just gonna go watch a slave documentary."

- Shut up. - "Uh, excuse me."

I really was coming down... No.

Come here.

- Hi. - I need to see this.

- You need to turn it back on. - No, we are not.

You need to turn it back on right fuckin' now.

- I'm not turning it back on. - Turn it on.

No. No. No.

Come on.

No, that's not... It's not what you think.

- I wasn't... I wasn't... - Wait, wait, wait, watch this.

- What was that? - It was her hair toss.

- Oh, you like that? - Do it again. Yeah.

It looks like you have water in your ear.

Like you've been swimming. You're, like, tryin' to get...

I just...

I know that you're gonna lord this over me...

- I'm not gonna lord it over you. - And I just wanna...

Okay. I'm... I'll cop to getting caught.

- Literally with my hand... - I'm not gonna lord it over you.

- ...down my pants, but... - I'll lord my pussy over you.

The fucking algorithm showed me that thing instead.

- Mmm-hmm, I'm gonna show you this thing. - No, you see, this isn't...

It's not even representative of what I'm into.

I'm not into, like, big boobs. I'm not...

What are you... What are you doing right now?

Showing you my pussy.

I'm well... I know your pussy.

- Do you like that? - Yeah.

"Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I like it."

Oh, yeah?

It's just really important to me that that doesn't become a thing.

'Cause you're all fucking hot and bothered right now,

- but tomorrow you're gonna be, like... - Oh, God.

"Are you really watching a documentary, Kyle?"

You're, like, really bumming me out.

- Okay. - Good night.

We have firefighter, construction worker, pilot...

Let's try construction worker.

- Comes with its own... - Oh, my God.

...full leather belt.

- Plus... - Is the belt real leather?

Not at that price. Absolutely not.

- Hey, guys. - Hi. How you doin'?

- Good. - Hey, look at you guys.

Oh, my gosh, you have a bacon boy.

Yeah, I had to convince him to wear it, too.

- What? Little Red Riding Hood. - You guys look great.

Thank you so much for doing this.

- Oh, it's not a problem. Honestly. - We're just having

a little special dinner and I really, really appreciate it.

I understand completely.

- Enjoy yourselves. - Thank you.

Yes!

Oh!

- Yes. - No. I feel ridiculous.

- Honey, you look so hot. - This is crazy.

I don't feel hot. I feel really embarrassed.

Honey, I'm, like, fired up already.

- I'm feeling... Yeah. - Are you serious? This?

Like, I feel something going on in my pants.

Okay, but could this wait until after trick-or-treating?

- No, this is gonna be so much better... - Please.

It's gonna be amazing. I promise you, okay?

- I just love Halloween. - You're not gonna believe it.

It's gonna be so good. I gotta get ready.

At least let me hand out some candy to the...

the kids who come by. I've decorated the whole...

lawn and everything.

Yoo-hoo!

Hi, there, Mr. Handyman.

- Well, ma'am, I, uh... - Thanks for comin' by.

What? Why are you laughing?

What is that voice you're doing? It's so fake.

It's my char...

- I'm a professional theater actor, okay? - It's...

This has to feel real, other...

Oh, my God.

- What? - Come on. Just...

First of all, I'm a construction worker, right?

So why am I fixing your sink?

Construction workers don't come into people's homes.

I don't know. 'Cause you're my neighbor and you're...

You're helping me out.

'Cause I'm a hot lady and you wanna get in my pants.

So I'm doing you a favor or are you hiring me for this?

- You're doing me a favor. - Okay.

- How long have you lived next door to me? - Ten years.

Great. Thank you.

- Are you ready? - Yep.

Yoo-hoo!

- Hi, neighbor. - Hi.

So nice to have you around.

Have a man around.

- Of course, no problem. - Fixin' things.

Sure.

My husband's been out of town for so...

Oh, my God, this is Trevin. I'm so sorry, honey, I have to get this.

- Seriously? You're gonna... - Yes.

- It's just... It'll be two seconds. - What?

Hold on. Real quick.

Trevin? Hey.

How... Did you hear...

Really?

I'm shocked, because how many times have we been down this road and...

Tom? What's up?

Why have an organic... Why go organic...

- Oh, no. - ...and non-GMO, and like,

why go down this road

- talking to the farm... - Can you hold on one sec, buddy?

I gotta go. Penny scraped her knee. Just...

I just don't think we can do it with a pomegranate.

No, we're... Yep. No, thanks for dealing with that, buddy.

- I promise I'll be right there. Bye. - Can I call you back?

Look, just let me call you back. Okay. Okay, bye.

- What's going on? - Penny scraped her knee trick-or-treating,

- and she's crying. - Oh, no! Is she okay?

I think she's fine but she's freaking out.

Is it really bad?

I don't think it's really bad, but she, like, wants me to come,

and Tom doesn't want to deal with it, so I'm gonna...

- Oh, shit. - That sounds really important.

Why don't you call Trevin back and I'll...

It's a total fucking nightmare.

- I'll be back in, like, ten minutes. - Okay. All right. Hurry back.

Oh, here's Daddy.

- Dad's here! Yay! - Hey!

- Daddy. - Hurray!

- Hey, Tom. Hey, guys. - Hey, Dad.

- Hey, I'm sorry to have to pull you out. - Hi. Oh, no worries.

I just think she really wanted to see Dad, you know what I mean?

- Of course. Totally. - But look, if she's okay

and they're up for it, we can stay out. I don't mind.

- Yeah? You sure? - Yeah, yeah, not a problem.

- Still early. Sure. - Oh, my God.

That's great. I'm probably gonna take you up on that.

Okay. Let me know.

Okay. Hi!

Hi. What happened, sweetie?

- I fell. - Aw!

You okay?

Is it your knee? Can I see it?

- Why are you dressed that way? - What? It's my Halloween costume.

I'm a construction worker.

Oh, yeah, that looks like that must've hurt.

- You feel better now? - A little.

A little? Do you feel okay to trick-or-treat?

Halloween is the best night of the year.

Ma'am? Ma'am, it's the handyman. I'm here to fix your sink.

Oh! Thank God.

I've been all alone and helpless.

- Oh. - So nice to have a big strong man around.

- I'm glad I could help, I, uh... - I'm just a weak little lady.

- Hmm. - Something's wrong with my sink.

Well, let's take a look.

- Can I? - Oh!

Can you show...

Yeah, there does seem to be something wrong with that sink.

Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

- Hold on one second, my phone's ringing. - All right.

Uh, it's Tom with the kids.

Just let me quickly nip this in the bud, um...

Hey. Hi, bud.

Hey, Allen, listen, buddy. I need you to help me out.

- Trevin. - Your sister will listen to you.

Just tell her there's nothing to be afraid of,

that Halloween is fun, and that everybody's costumes are fake.

That wasn't a real vampire. I mean...

- ...speak tomorrow in the office. - I know.

Look, if you're having a good time, she'll have a good time.

Thank you. Bye.

- Yes? All good? - All good.

All right. Let's get back to business.

Oh.

Oh, that, uh... good sink.

God damn it!

I'll trade you these Twix,

Rolo, Kit-Kat, and Tootsie Roll

for one of those.

No deal.

And Hershey's.

No deal.

- And Rolo. - No deal.

Fine, and then another Hershey's. I mean...

- No deal. - Oh, my God.

I'm never trading these.

I'll trade you two of these for that.

Good night.

Hey, pal.

Sometimes if somebody gets scared, we might think it's, like, ridiculous.

There's nothin' to be scared about.

But I need you, for your sister, to be there for her.

All right? And help her out.

Just like Mom and I are there for each other

if the other person is upset or gets hurt.

So even if Mom and I aren't there,

I'm gonna look to you as her big brother to take care of her.

Does that make sense?

- Yep. - Cool.

That's all I was trying to say.

- Okay. - Did you have a good Halloween?

- Yeah. - All right.

Any secret candy in here anywhere? Huh?

- No. - Good night.

- Good night. - Love you.

Love you, too.

- He is such a sweet boy. - Hmm.

- Thanks for taking care of that. - Sure.

No problem.

- Mmm. - Mmm-hmm.

I'm just...

Oh!

- You feel that? - Yeah.

- Yeah. You like that? - Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

You got me so hard.

- Oh, yeah. - Fuck, yes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Holy shit.

You migrate.

Wow. What's the occasion?

Oh, I don't know. Just a little...

Saturday morning breakfast.

Oh.

All right.

- Thank you. - Good morning.

Good morning.

How you feelin'?

Pretty great.

Pretty great. Thanks for letting me sleep in.

- Well, you earned it. - That's nice.

I sure did.

Hey, Dad, check this out.

Not right now, buddy. I'm with your mom.

I'll check it out in a minute.

- What food do you want? - All right.

- What'd you wanna show me? - He likes seeds.

All right.

We're spawning, like, every kind of animal.

- We have lots of animals. - In the graveyard island.