Original subtitles

(RADIO CHANNEL HOPPING)

For those of you who read my new book, the Courtesan Complex,

and I hope you do, even if you have to get it from the library,

you'll find a big, fat chapter called Sexual Fantasies

and Fantastic Sex. Patients I work with here at the Allenby Clinic,

listeners who write to us, people I meet around the country,

everyone thinks that his sexual fantasies or her sexual fantasies

are unique and personal and perhaps even a little shameful.

We get a lot of call-ins about that.

In the few moments I have left,

I wanna make the point that everybody dreams

the same sexy dream.

So don't be shy about including it in your love games.

As long as they're just games, I give you my permission.

The book again is The Courtesan Complex

and until next time, this is Dr Joan Allenby

suggesting that a rich sexual fantasy life

is as important to good sex as choosing the right lover.

Bye for now.

Well, now. Well, now. Why did you ever leave me?

I give you three seconds to run into my arms.

Male domination. One.

I hate your business trips. Two.

I hate my business trips. Three.

Oh, boy. (LAUGHS)

When do we really get serious about this?

Tonight in Chicago. Can't go with you.

No, David, you promised. I promised you your own television show

and the deal makes here tomorrow. LA.

What's more important, anyway, happiness or money?

The Dr Allenby Clinic. I loathe those damn radio conventions,

the good old syndication boards. Can't your meeting wait another day?

No, so you'll have to carry the flag in Chicago.

I hate it. Come with me. Not a prayer.

She's crazy about him, I haven't got a chance.

Madge, did you call a car for Dr Allenby? Limo's waiting downstairs.

He may not be so crazy about her.

There may be hope yet, Doctor.

Joanie, believe me,

one day in Chicago would do it.

You'll dazzle the buyers and head for the hills.

Uh-huh. Do you know what "fat chance" means? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Yeah?

Joan, I wrote a new paper for the journal.

Narcissism and Frigidity.

You might take a look at it on the plane.

I will if I get time. Simon, did you enjoy my broadcast?

What makes you think I listened to it?

If I hated a programme as much as you hated mine,

I'd probably listen out of spite. Cheap, shoddy commercialisation.

Actually, there's nothing cheap about it. We need to get a move on.

Plane tickets, itinerary, limo will meet you at O'Hare. Yep.

Hotel reservations and Agatha Christie.

If nothing else, she'll help you sleep.

Cindy, how could I survive without you?

You can't, it's job security.

(LAUGHS)

Bye-bye.

For lovesick kids, we have a hard time getting together. That sounds like guilt.

Where there's guilt, there's hope.

Did you call your mother today?

When was the last time you made love to me? I don't remember.

Oh, very good. Does that make you feel guilty?

Just makes me wanna make love to you.

Wait for me, cowboy.

I adore you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we regret flight 141 to Chicago O'Hare Airport is still delayed.

Dr Allenby? Dr Allenby?

Oh! We're finally boarding. I'm afraid not, the airport's still sucked in.

What about one of the other airports? May I make a suggestion?

Get a good night's sleep in one of the airport hotels

and I can book you on the first flight in the morning.

I can do better than a hotel. I appreciate all your help.

My pleasure. I enjoyed reading The Courtesan Complex.

I enjoyed writing it.

We regret all flights, departing and arriving, will be delayed until further notice.

Good evening, Dr Allenby. Hello, Ozzie.

Final exams? Yes. In law school, every day's final exams.

You think so, counsellor? Try a doctorate in psychology.

(PLEASURABLE GROANS)

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(GROANING)

I'm hungry.

If I was a dessert,

what kind of dessert would I be?

Bavarian chocolate cream pie...

..laced with rare Napoleon brandy.

(GIGGLES)

What about your Dr Joan?

Rice pudding.

We're now landing at LAX. Thank you for flying with us and have a nice day.

Passengers from flight 219 from Chicago

may pick up your baggage. M-m-m-m-mwah!

Oh, hello again. Tell me how much you missed me.

We made the TV deal! That much?

Give it to me, come on. Gladly.

How was Chicago?

Like an all-day dental appointment.

David? Yo.

How long have we been together?

Business or pleasure? Take your pick.

Three years. You ever get tired of me? Come on.

Does a guy ever get tired of the sun?

Still, I think it's time we took some of my professional advice.

Advise me, Doctor. Fun and games.

What flavour?

Sultan and slave girl.

Headmistress and choirboy. Whatever.

That's some whatever.

We've got the reception at the music centre tonight.

Is that really what you wanna do?

What do I really wanna do?

There's a cocktail lounge called Buckets.

Meet me there at nine.

Boy, have I got plans for you.

(CHATTER)

Joan! Oh, Joan, thank God you've come.

I've forgot everyone's name. Relax, Helen, it looks like a wonderful turnout.

Well, now comes phase two - the prying open of the chequebook.

Go, circulate. Get money for music.

Married women circulate, single women mingle.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Joan! Water, I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.

I'm testing my agoraphobia. If I can stand all this I can stand anything.

Where's David? Oh, he had to work.

Oh, well, why don't the two of us find a quiet corner

and share some hors d'oeuvres? I'll protect you from the rabble.

I'd love to, but committee members are supposed to mix.

Enjoy the concert.

Oh, excuse me. I'm terribly sorry.

What a marvellous hat. I love it.

Thank you.

I don't believe we've met. I'm Helen Hendrix from the committee.

Have you ever considered making a donation?

(JAZZ MUSIC)

Can I buy you a drink?

Competition? I've never seen her before.

Has she bought a chair? Not yet she didn't.

I'll deliver this myself.

The drinks are on the house. Hi, I'm Lisa.

Hi, Lisa. Matches?

That's for friendship and understanding.

Good luck, Lisa.

What...?

Hello, sailor. You come here often?

You playing games, Joan?

Yes, and I'm not Joan.

I'm Lisa.

Oh, come on, David, loosen up. Play with me a little.

How do you like your Lisa?

Lisa has never looked more delectable.

Would you like to take Lisa home with you?

Say yes.

Yes.

Money.

Enough? For starters.

(GIGGLES)

Yeah. Come on up and see the doctor.

Is Lisa a doctor? Mm-hm. Wait till you see what kind of doctor.

Good evening, Mr Kincaid. How long till the bar, Ozzie?

Next spring, Mr Kincaid. You'll do fine.

Working nights, I have plenty of studying time. That's the way I did it.

Sh. What are we whispering for?

My mother is sleeping in here.

Sh.

And my Uncle Max is in there.

Oh, Maxie. Sh.

And this is my room.

No!

I'll do everything.

It's my evening, I'm in charge.

You don't have to do anything.

You're forbidden to do anything

except to enjoy... everything.

My glove.

Wait till you see what I can do with this.

Oh! Where did you learn all this?

(GIGGLES) I wrote the book, remember.

I'm an instrument of absolute pleasure. Don't go.

Just for a minute. Don't look.

Get ready for my real surprise.

I'm almost ready now.

What?! (GASPS)

If I were a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be?

I'm sorry, but you can't go in there.

Really? I'd spend the rest of my life

just watching you walk toward me. Thank you.

And now you can watch me walk away from you.

Well, partner, we did it. Concert and all.

What do you think, big success?

I think everything came off perfectly.

OK, let me get this straight. This is a complete log here

of everyone that came in and went out of the building?

That's right. Excuse me, Officer. Dr Allenby?! Dr Allenby, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Ozzie. I don't think I believe it yet.

(BELL PINGS)

Whoa! Thank you, thank you.

Joan!

Oh, Joan.

What can I say? I know, Cindy, thank you.

Joan, it's so awful. I feel so bad.

Thank you. There's so much to feel bad about, Madge.

Here.

Lieutenant Columbo?

This is Dr Allenby. Joan, this is Lieutenant Columbo from the police.

You're Dr Allenby?

I've been looking forward to meeting you

and here we rode all the way up in the elevator together.

I'm, er, I'm very sorry, ma'am, about what happened.

I'm not sure what happened.

The call said David is dead, shot to death last night. That's all I know.

It's not a very pleasant subject.

Where did it happen? In that bedroom, ma'am.

May I see the room?

Doctor? I'm sorry, Dr Allenby's appointments are cancelled until further notice.

Well, I'm not sure you'll be ready for all that yet,

being that you and the victim were, as I understand it, very close.

I'm not a stranger to shock. I wanna know what happened.

Alright, ma'am, if that's what you want.

Joan? Joan?

I called the radio people and cancelled your programme.

Thank you, that was very thoughtful.

Joan, did you get a chance to look at my new paper?

No, Simon, I did not.

See, Doctor, this is all what I didn't want you to see.

In here, that's where it happened.

There? That's where he fell, ma'am,

after the woman shot him.

The woman? If you'll forgive my saying so,

a very beautiful woman, very desirable

here in the bedroom with Mr Kincaid.

We got a description from the night security guard.

Dark hair, all dressed in black with a black fedora hat.

Does that strike a chord, ma'am?

Would Mr Kincaid know anybody like that?

Would you know anybody like that? No.

No, I didn't know David knew anyone like that.

Is there some explanation?

It's hard to come right out and say it, but you can see

there's some kind of violence here

and over here there's blood on the carpet.

Nothing to do with the body, like he was hurting her.

I'm sorry to say, like he was making her do something she didn't wanna do.

And she was armed.

Unless there was already a gun in the room.

And she shot him.

At least, that's the way it seems.

I can assure you, there was no gun in this room.

You know, I was wondering, ma'am,...

what kind of room is this?

We're psychologists here, Lieutenant.

Our patients come to us with sexual problems.

Sometimes alone, sometimes in couples.

Sometimes a room like this can be conducive to solving their sexual problems.

Those are his things, ma'am, what we call his "effects".

Yes, after death things have a way of turning into effects

and David turns into a stranger.

Buckets. I think it's some kind of a bar, ma'am.

I see. And over here a cigarette stub.

Is that hers? That's the assumption we're working under. A smoker.

Lieutenant? Yes, Sergeant?

A moment, ma'am.

We found these hairs on the victim.

Long, black hairs, like a woman's.

We searched the whole area by the body.

These hairs were on his right shoulder and near his chest.

Well, we have a hair. Might tell us something.

Can I take these things?

No, Sergeant, not yet.

Lieutenant, is there anything else I should know?

Oh! Oh, excuse me, ma'am, I'm terribly sorry.

We get so wrapped up in these things.

Little details like a woman's cigarette.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept you waiting like that.

Can you take another look at those effects? Certainly.

Are you looking? Yes, I'm looking.

These are all the things that were in Mr Kincaid's pockets.

Do you see anything that's missing, something very puzzling? I don't understand.

His keys, ma'am. There aren't any keys.

If there aren't any keys, how did the victim unlock the door to your clinic last night?

How did they get in here? Yes, of course, his keys. How very strange.

I suppose the woman could've taken 'em. Yes, that's very good.

In a moment of panic, to escape, to steal his car, she took his keys.

But why would she do that? She just murdered a man.

Why would she take a chance on being seen driving his car?

Even in panic I would think

she'd wanna stay as far away from that car as she could.

Yes, I see. On the other hand...

maybe she took the keys not to drive the car

but to get something out of the car which could identify her.

Something she bought that day.

A dress from the cleaners, prescription. Could be anything.

That's very clever, that would explain everything.

But if it didn't, then the lady in black,

she's be the one who had the key to your clinic.

But if that was true, you'd certainly have some idea who she might be.

You see why I'm puzzled by these keys?

I'm afraid I'm not ready to deal with all of this yet.

Would you mind if I went back to my office? Of course not.

I'm sorry to bother you with all these questions.

I know what a terrible shock this has been.

Thank you for trying to shield me, you've been very kind.

I'm sure you know by now I'm always here for you.

Whatever I can do. You're very sweet, Walter, thank you.

This place,

all we ever seem to talk about is...

sex and feelings.

It's always with strangers.

We never get to talk about our own feelings. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Lieutenant Columbo. Is it alright to intrude?

Of course, Lieutenant. You met Dr Neff?

I think I met everyone in the clinic, all the sex doctors.

Psychologists. Sex therapists.

Joan, believe me,

one day all this pain will just be a memory.

Could I get you some tea? Oh, no thank you, ma'am.

No? Alright.

Well, what cam I do for you? I'll just ask you a few more questions,

if you can put up with that. I think I can manage that.

From this moment, Lieutenant, life goes on.

Back straight, chin up and a smile for the world. (LAUGHS)

How's that for courage?

Well, that's a very nice smile you have there, ma'am.

How can I help you?

Mainly, Dr Allenby, it's about the victim.

Could you tell me about your relationship with the victim?

We had great sex.

OK.

The victim, as you so delicately put it, was my lover.

Is there a problem with that?

Not necessarily, ma'am, no.

David and I enjoyed making physical love to each other and only to each other.

At least, that was my assumption

in the days when I was considerably less sceptical than I am now.

David was also my business partner in our radio and TV work.

Are you familiar with my broadcasts? Er, yes, I am.

The things that you say on the radio, ma'am,

they're very frank.

About what? About sex, ma'am.

Sit down.

David's love made is possible for me to be frank in public.

Kinds of things I have to talk about

require a great deal of sexual confidence and happiness and freedom.

David gave me all those things.

I suppose they're the same things I try to give my patients.

The freedom to love.

Does that answer your question about our relationship?

Oh, yes, ma'am, you've made it very clear.

I think I understand. I hope so. Lieutenant, there's still one more thing.

Can you tell me about your own primary sexual relationships?

Er, I beg your pardon, ma'am?

A policeman just asked me a very intimate question

and I gave a very intimate answer. I think I have a right to know

how that answer will be interpreted.

And that depends on your intimate sexual relationships.

(CHUCKLES) I'm a married man, ma'am.

Everything alright at home?

I think I'm gonna be leaving now. Thank you very much.

(LAUGHS)

Don't let me drive you away, Lieutenant.

Oh, no, ma'am, no, not with all the work I have to do on this case.

I'm gonna be back, you can count on that.

Now we're gonna learn more about the tuba. Is that a tuba?

It's a very delicate instrument.

It has a very tiny, tiny, tiny tone,

sort of like the love song of a canary.

Listen very closely or you won't hear it at all.

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm looking for a Miss Hendrix.

I forgot to tell you, it's a two-ton canary.

Have you ever heard a jazz tuba?

No. Here's what a jazz tuba sounds like.

(PLAYS MERRY TUNE)

Excuse me, ma'am, Lieutenant Columbo. Sh, not now.

OK, who wants to learn how to play the tuba?

Come on, it's a cinch. No! No!

You, sir, in the raincoat.

Me? Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, no.

We can't do without you, please! Please, some on, sir!

I think you're caught. Come on, come on.

Give him a hand, kids. Yay!

Are you a musician, sir? No, sir, I'm a policeman.

Yay!

There you are, Mr Policeman, there's your tube. Enjoy yourself.

Go on, Mr Policeman, play!

Like this, sir? Have fun.

(PLAYS MERRY TUNE)

Hey, hey! (LAUGHS)

(KIDS CHEER) Yes, bravo!

Ah, you've done this before.

Yeah, when I was in high school, that was the only instrument they had left.

Same with me. Come on, kids, we'll have a tuba march.

Yay!

Everybody stand up and follow me and the policeman.

We're gonna march off this way. Ready? I'm gonna try.

(SHRIEKS)

Dr Allenby!

Well, this certainly is a coincidence.

Here I come to the music centre, I'm looking for Mr Kincaid

and who do I find but you. You were looking for David?

For his whereabouts, ma'am, last night before the murder.

That's a lovely outfit you're wearing. Thank you.

This is a hard question and you certainly don't have to answer it,

but would you mind telling me what you paid for this handbag?

For my bag? It doesn't have to be exact,

just a ballpark figure.

This was an expensive bag, Lieutenant,

I paid about four hundred dollars for it.

Right. See, my wife's birthday's coming up and I'm in the market.

You were telling me about David.

David? Oh, yes, Mr Kincaid.

Er, you wouldn't happen to know

where I could get something that looked like that for half the money?

No, I'm sorry, I don't.

And the briefcase, did you get that in the same shop as you got the handbag? Yes.

Could I take a look at that? If you like.

Oh, that's the real McCoy, ma'am.

That's very fine stitching cos you can hardly see the stitches.

I'd like one of those fellas for myself. Lieutenant, please,

you were telling me about David.

I visited his office, ma'am,

and right there on his desk calendar it said that he had a date to be here last night.

But I spoke to that committee woman, Miss Hendrix,

and she told me she never saw him.

We had a fundraising event last night.

I'm on the committee, so I had to be here,

but it wasn't David's cup of fun.

He said he'd rather hang by his thumbs.

That explains why he wasn't here, but that raises another question.

Joan! Oh, honey!

Lieutenant Columbo just told me about David.

What a terrible thing to happen.

Thank you, Helen. Oh, Lieutenant,

we all think you played the tuba just beautifully.

I enjoyed it, ma'am.

I got your message about the master guest list. I've brought it for you.

Lieutenant, would you mind holding this for me? Not at all, ma'am.

I put this in my briefcase right after you called, Helen.

Of all days, Joan, you shouldn't have bothered.

Well, it's better than feeling sorry for myself.

I'll call you.

Last night, ma'am, you were here at the party? All evening.

And Mr Kincaid, he never showed up?

No, Lieutenant, he decided not to come.

As I was saying, that raises the question

of where Mr Kincaid met that woman,

the lady all dressed in black with the black hat.

Oh, she was certainly here. Excuse me, ma'am?

A very attractive woman dressed in black with a man's black fedora.

Joan, you must've noticed her. No, I don't believe I did.

Well, whoever she is, she was here last night.

Does that help you, Lieutenant?

Well, it gives me something to think about.

It's certainly very interesting.

Good.

Position number one and begin.

Come on, smile, this is fun.

Beautiful smile, you'll do well.

More wrist, more wrist. Good. Perfect.

OK, now we're gonna get started. You people are paying good cash

to learn the bartending game. What you get out of it, it's up to you.

I'm a good bartender. Show up on time,

do your lessons, work your workbooks, you'll be good bartenders too.

It's up to you. Now, one more time.

And begin.

Is this the bartending school? You're late.

It's been a very busy day. Get behind the bar.

Right.

I'm not really a bartender. Keep coming late, you'll never be a bartender.

I said a green vest Where's your green vest?

What is your name? Er, Columbo. Homicide, police.

You're the one who called? Yes, sir.

Right over here.

The rest of you start on your workbooks.

Lesson one - Shirley Temples.

Get it right.

Sorry about that, Lieutenant. How can I help you?

It's this photograph, sir,

one of my homicide victims.

He had some of your matches from that Buckets bar.

They were in his pocket.

Would you recognise this man at all?

Sure, he was in last night. First timer.

But the matches don't match. Excuse me?

I didn't give him the matches. The lady asked for matches.

She smoked, the lady he picked up.

Er, this lady, would I be far wrong

if I said she was a very attractive lady, all dressed in black,

wearing a man's black hat? Yeah, like that.

I wasn't paying much attention, so I can't tell you much.

Me, I'm just a bartender. I don't have what you might call a trained policeman's eye.

You just tell me what you know. The lady's another first timer.

Professional working girl. Called herself Lisa with no last name.

If you believe Lisa's a real name, you'll believe anything.

Lisa knew the playbook. Comes on bold and advertises herself.

Your guy walks in, she gives him the buzz, guy hits. No wasted time.

In two seconds they are very cosy.

No strings, two bugs in a rug, you know what I'm saying?

He laid some cash on her and out they go about 9, maybe 9:15, as happy as clams.

That is for you, pal.

That's some observation for a man who wasn't paying attention.

Taste that, tell me what you think.

Well, that's very generous, sir.

That's very refreshing.

That's MY Shirley Temple.

An interesting Shirley Temple.

A touch of dryness but a light, sweet bouquet.

Very nice. You're a very good bartender, sir,

but I think you'd make a terrific detective.

I love the work I got, Lieutenant.

So do I, sir.

(DOORBELL)

Forgive me, Doctor, for dropping in on you like this,

but I have some very interesting news. May I?

Please, Lieutenant, come in. I'm anxious to hear anything you can tell me.

You certainly have a lovely home.

Thank you. I've seen some beautiful homes,

what with the different murders and all,

but not many like this.

And look at that - a fire in the fireplace.

It's a very chilly night and there's nothing like a fire.

What's a courtesan, Doctor? Excuse me?

Isn't that your book, The Courtesan Complex?

Yes. Oh, I've read it, you know. Ah-ha.

Oh, yes, she enjoyed it so much she insisted I read it.

Did she beat you to its pages with a stick, Lieutenant?

I'm gonna tell you the truth, ma'am,

she was most anxious for me to read the sexual fantasy part.

(LAUGHS) I haven't yet.

A courtesan, ma'am,

that's a prostitute?

Yes, it's a polite term for a successful prostitute.

Well, that's another coincidence, Dr Allenby,

because what I came to tell you about

is that we know a whole lot more about the lady in black now.

Perhaps we should sit down. Oh, no, ma'am, I'm enjoying the fire.

The lady in black, we have a first name for her now.

She calls herself Lisa.

I'm gonna see about that briefcase there.

Oh, you kept this too close to the fire, ma'am.

This coulda been scorched.

Thank you, Lieutenant. Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.

Now, this Lisa, she and Mr Kincaid got together last night at that bar,

that Buckets place.

Now, this is a very bold thing to say, ma'am,

but Lisa is one of those courtesans.

What the Vice boys call a working girl.

You mean David hired a prostitute? That's the way it looks now.

And from your news about Lisa,

I guessed it was something like that.

David picking up some working girl,

a stranger in a bar. Oh, I don't necessarily think they were strangers.

The picture I got from the way

she turned down another man before Mr Kincaid came to the bar

and then the way they just sat and talked very quiet and all,

I had to ask myself if this Lisa,

she was there waiting for Mr Kincaid.

And if they already knew each other,

then maybe she already had a reason to kill him.

Do you think that's possible?

That's what I wanted to ask you. Do you think that's possible

from all your research with these courtesans?

I tell you, after today, I don't know what's possible and what isn't.

I tell you, ma'am, that's about the way I feel.

This case, it's already got me crazy.

Every time I learn something new,

I get a puzzle. New problems.

When Mr Kincaid told you

that he wasn't going to the party at the music centre, what time was that?

I think, yes, it was yesterday when he picked me up at the airport.

So he had plenty of time to make another arrangement for that evening,

like with this Lisa at the Buckets place?

That's reasonable, knowing what we know now.

So what was the lady in black doing at the music centre?

It could've been for the music. Even courtesans can love music.

For the music, that's what I told myself,

but when the concert started, Lisa was already at Buckets.

So it couldn't have been for the music, so what was she doing there?

I'd like to try and help you, but I'm very tired.

Oh, I'm sorry, I've kept you too long.

Thank you for the nice fire and I'll just see myself out.

With my briefcase?

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, look at that, ma'am.

Well, it certainly is a beauty. Good night, ma'am.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Thank you for keeping me informed.

Dr Allenby?!

Did I tell you we found Mr Kincaid's keys?

No, you didn't. Sergeant Burke, he found Mr Kincaid's car near Buckets.

It was parked in some valet parking place. I see.

So the lady couldn't have taken the keys from the murder scene.

The keys were never there.

The keys were at the valet parking,

so that still leaves that other problem, ma'am.

How did Mr Kincaid unlock the door to your clinic?

You see how everything keeps dropping out on me?

This case, boy,

I don't know what to tell you. Try and sleep well.

Just one more thing, just for my reports, just a detail,

I hope you'll understand. Yes, a detail for your report.

Yes, ma'am. The night you flew to Chicago,

in the security guard's logbook, it said you went back to the office that night.

My flight was fogged in. I didn't actually get out till the morning.

Oh, you wanna know why I returned to the clinic?

It's not me so much as my captain, he's a regular stickler.

As long as I had the time, I wanted to pick up a scientific paper.

It was something a colleague asked me to look at.

So when you went back, it was just for a minute? Just for the paper.

The detail I wanted to ask you, the middle of the night, deserted streets,

the security guard said you came in one cab and you left in another.

Why didn't you just ask the cab to wait?

I did, but the cab didn't wait. So I took another cab.

Well, that's it then.

That explains it. Good night, ma'am.

The cab left without being paid?

I paid him, that's how I got him to wait. But when I came out,

(IN UNISON) he was gone.

Well, they're impatient, ma'am. Good night again.

Better watch yourself, lady.

You can handle the lieutenant.

Let's find his best shot.

You shoulda burned Lisa's clothes.

We will.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Sergeant Burke, I need you, Sergeant!

Yes, Lieutenant? Oh, there you are. You got the list?

Yes, I have it here. The master guest list. Right here.

I'll tell you what I want. Excuse me?

What I want you to do, Sergeant. Yes, Lieutenant.

Get all the help you can, talk to that lady, Miss Hendrix,

I wanna know anyone that ever had any contact with the lady in black.

Anyone that knew her, anyone that talked with her,

anyone who ever had anything to do with the woman in black.

The master list, right? Right. Right.

How you doing, fellas?

Let's leave it at this - Bill and Joanne have been trying too hard.

And Lloyd and Cynthia gave up trying sex altogether,

which is against the rules, possibly against the law.

(ALL LAUGH)

So, let's all be very sensible and try to decide

what exactly - Dr Allenby, can I see you?

Oh, excuse me. I'm afraid I'm busy, Lieutenant.

Right.

So we wanna decide - (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Would it be alright if I joined you, ma'am?

Absolutely not.

I understand.

Enjoying the mirror, Lieutenant?

(LAUGHS) It's a fantastic bed.

Fantastic. Half the fun of sex is fantasy.

Oh, I know that, ma'am, I've been reading your book.

Well now, I'm proud of you, Lieutenant.

You wanted to see me. What it is, ma'am,

it's the lady in black. And it's very baffling the way she keeps changing.

The gun dealer said - Oh, did I tell you we found the gun?

No, no, that must be important.

Found the gun in a mailbox down the block.

No fingerprints, but purchased on the day of the murder. That's important.

I want you to read something.

I got it right here, ma'am. Oh, goodness, that's a problem.

(MUMBLES)

Here we are, ma'am. Er...

Gun dealer said she gave name Lisa Prescott Boyce.

Never heard Lisa Prescott. Address, turned out no such -

Here - nervous.

The gun dealer said she was very nervous.

Nervous? Nervous, ma'am.

Yes, I suppose that's, well, kind of a description.

Oh, we got descriptions, ma'am. We got plenty of descriptions.

The night security guard,

he said that she was shy.

And the bartender in Buckets, he said that she was bold and confident.

So what we're looking for, ma'am,

is a shy, bold,

nervous, confident lady in black.

I see your problem,, Lieutenant, and I don't envy you.

And it gets worse, ma'am. Do you remember the cigarette,

the one with the lipstick? Yes, there in the ashtray.

Yes, ma'am. The lab boys read a new test

on the saliva from the cigarette. Just from the saliva

they can tell you all about a person.

And from their report,

whoever smoked that cigarette,

she had a completely different blood type

than the blood from these spots here.

But the blood spots,

that's a whole different type blood than the victim's blood.

That means three people in a room.

Do you think there could've been two women

with Mr Kincaid on the night of the murder?

Two women, Lieutenant? I,...

I don't know what to say.

And then we have to consider this,

those two long black hairs that we found on the victim.

Very feminine, ma'am. The lab boys think maybe an Asian one.

And it turns out that the blood type from these two hairs,

that's a whole new different type blood.

Would that mean there were three women with Mr Kincaid?

You mean a sex orgy, Lieutenant?

I suppose with a man like David, everything I'm learning about him,

yes, I suppose that's completely possible. Right.

But that brings us back again to that security guard.

He said only one woman came up here.

Do you think they could've come from other offices in the same building?

No, the security checked out everybody from the building.

I don't know what to think. You've got my head spinning.

But when you get right down to it, ma'am,

only one woman came in and only one woman went out.

And whatever all this means,

we have to look for the lady in black.

And when we find her,

I promise you, you're gonna be the first to know.

Good day.

Oh, Lieutenant? Dr Ward. Do you have a minute for me?

Of course, sir. We can talk in here.

I have something to confess.

Sex is my whole life, Lieutenant.

Oh, my goodness.

My life. My therapy.

My work.

My frigid women, my prostitutes,

my premature men.

It's a very full life, sir.

Odd sexual events.

What do you think of this?

A red ribbon, sir?

A red HAIR ribbon, Lieutenant,

like Cindy Galt wears, Cindy Allenby's assistant.

Is that an odd event, sir? It's a sexual event.

I found this the other morning in our bedroom therapy facility.

No patients had been scheduled, but the bed had been used.

That's the kind of behaviour we've had around here.

And I put that down to David Kincaid's influence. You do?

I didn't like David Kincaid and I loathed his influence on Dr Allenby.

His cheap crusade to turn sex into something trivial and popular.

Yeah, right, popular sex,

that's something we certainly gotta watch out for that.

You were saying something about a confession?

Right. I confess that I despised David.

But I want you to know that I didn't have anything to do with his murder.

I'm glad you told me, sir, so I don't get you all confused with the lady in black.

This has been very interesting.

Oh, Lieutenant, one more thing.

Do you think this is the right time for me

to advise Dr Allenby that she's well rid of David?

You're asking me, sir? Well, you seem very wise.

Well, Dr Ward,

if I were you,

I'd try to do the right thing.

Yes, of course.

That's very good, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Lieutenant Columbo? Dr Neff.

Do you have a minute? Any time, sir.

I know you've heard all the rumours running around this place,

I mean, Dr Ward getting nowhere with his crush on Cindy Galt.

And Cindy ducking out for cocktails with David Kincaid.

And you must've heard how I feel about Dr Allenby.

Er,...

no, er, I don't seem to have that here.

I've been crazy about her ever since I joined the clinic

and I was deeply jealous of David,

but I had nothing to do with his murder. I want you to know that.

Right. No connection with the murder.

Lieutenant,...

with all your experience out there in the world...

and in view of what's happened,...

how long would you advise me to wait before telling Joan I'm in love with her?

If I were you, sir,

I would wait until the lady's ready and not a moment longer.

Of course.

I should've been able to figure that out for myself.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Oh, Lieutenant, do you have a moment for me?

Even though I am going back for my masters in psychiatric social work,

I love working for Dr Allenby and...

David Kincaid, he was...

like, coming onto me.

In a very nice way. He was always a perfect gentleman.

Of course, I'd never do anything to hurt Joan, so...

there's my problem.

You'll have to clarify that for me, ma'am.

Well, after what happened,

if I'm going to be loyal to Joan,

should I ever tell her about David's crush on me?

In my opinion,

and not speaking strictly as a detective,

sometimes kindness is wiser than truth.

Of course.

I think I know exactly what you mean.

I knew I could talk to you.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Got a minute, Lieutenant?

We did it.

Just one second, sir, hold the phone.

Let me get this straight.

The lady in black, she went in there.

She went in that door right there.

She went in, she never came out.

And you waited. Until I asked the attendant to go see if she was in there.

And she wasn't there? Nobody was there. Who came out?

Ladies went in, ladies came out. Just ordinary ladies?

Ordinary ladies. Ordinary ladies.

Did any of these ladies have a suitcase, a package?

I don't know, Lieutenant. I wasn't looking for bags or packages,

I was waiting for this very exotic brunette. Miss Hendrix?

Yes, Lieutenant? Thank you very much.

Just check with Sergeant Burke, keep him informed as to your whereabouts.

I'll have to go in there. Would you guard the door? The ladies' room?

But it's almost intermission. Just one minute. One minute.

Er, well, I...

Oh, dear.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Lieutenant. What was he doing in there?

I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, sir!

Hey! (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Excuse me, ma'am. Trash? Where do you dump the trash?

No! (YELLS IN RUSSIAN)

I'm a policeman. Police! Police! See?

Ah!

Trash. Trash. (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Where do you dump the trash? No, no, no, no!

No, the trash! Where do you put the trash?!

No, no, the trash! where's the trash?!

(RANTS) No, ma'am, no, no, no.

No cleaning, no, no, no. No cleaning. See?

Empty, the trash.

The big trash.

See? Trash, trash.

See? Nyet, nyet. Piccolo. Grande.

(YELLS IN RUSSIAN)

No, no, no, no. Grande! Grande! Tres grande!

(RANTS IN RUSSIAN)

That's it, I found it!

You're a very nice lady.

Dos vidaniya, Police Boy.

(GASPS)

Hello.

Who are you? Well, who you are, Dr Allenby.

I took the liberty of inviting Mr Lentz to your home.

Your housekeeper was kind enough to let us in.

Mr Lentz, this is the remarkable lady I was telling you about.

Yes, thank you very much for having us, Dr Allenby.

Mr Lentz, he would like to sit down and talk with you, ma'am, if you don't mind.

My pleasure. Come along, gentlemen.

Can't you give me a hint about all this?

I'm back in trouble. This Lisa, this lady in black,

I got 56 Vice boys out in the street.

They're looking, they're pumping.

I got another eight doing nothing but sifting files.

We're chasing courtesans up and down the scale.

Make yourselves comfortable. You know what I got out of all this?

I got depressed. It's not just nobody knows anything,

nobody even suspects anything.

Now I run into Mr Lentz here, he tells me his story.

I don't know what to make of it. It got all turned around.

I want you to listen to this man's story. Mr Lentz?

Well, I went to the music centre the other night.

Could I bring you something to drink? Sure. Some sparkling mineral water?

I think so. Same for you, Lieutenant?

No, thank you, I'll just have some seltzer.

I think I can manage that too. Mr Lentz, please,

tell me your story. I can only tell you what I told Lieutenant Columbo.

That'll be fine, sir.

I met her, this lady in black with the man's hat.

It was at the music centre. I understand you were there.

I was. Ice? Please.

Well, I saw her

and I have this obligation. Whenever I see an attractive lady,

I feel like it's my duty to meet her.

So I tried, no encouragement.

So I followed her. Where?

To the ladies' room. To the ladies' room?

The waiting room. She went inside and I waited outside.

You're a romantic, Mr Lentz.

Yes, I am. Excellent diagnosis, Doctor.

Anyway, I waited, but she never came out.

Tell her about the attendant.

At the end evening I asked the attendant to go inside and check it out for me

and there was nobody there. Nobody.

The lady vanishes. Into thin air?

No air at all, she's just gone. Now, what do you think about a thing like that, ma'am?

Were you drinking, Mr Lentz? Not a drop, just champagne.

And the lady never came out. You see what we got here now, ma'am?

We were talking one lady, two ladies, three ladies,

now I got a half a lady - the half that went in.

The other half, I don't know.

Thanks again, Dr Allenby. I'll wait for you, Lieutenant.

Goodbye, Mr Lentz. Your story was very amusing.

But I just can't take it seriously, Lieutenant.

Well, that's what we got. A good detective, even a medium detective,

he can find somebody who was there and bring you an answer.

But somebody who wasn't there, how can I deal with that?

I can't imagine, Lieutenant.

This Lisa, people tell stories,

but there's no trace she ever existed.

Maybe we got this wrong, the way we're looking at it.

Looking at it all wrong.

Well, I'm working, ma'am. I'm still out there.

I appreciate everything you're doing, Lieutenant.

You'll see me again, ma'am. I'm sure I will.

(MUSIC / LAUGHTER)

(WOMEN SQUEAL)

Drinks on Lisa! Let's go buy us some drinks!

Take care of my new friends. And this is for you.

For what?

Just a phone call to a man named Columbo.

This is the number, this is the message.

Sorry about what happened. Signed Lisa.

And that's it? Do you think you can do that for me?

(CHUCKLES) Alright.

(PHONE RINGS)

Dr Allenby. Good evening, Dr Allenby, it's Sergeant Burke.

Lt Columbo asked me to tell you he has very good news.

He's found the lady in black.

Dr Allenby?

Er,... where...?

Where did you find her?

He said it was right in your own office files.

Your research files. The lieutenant said he wants you to know that.

Good night, Dr Allenby.

(HANGS UP)

(PHONE RINGS)

(MAN'S VOICE)

Over here, ma'am. (GASPS)

Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor, I didn't mean to frighten you like that.

I thought I heard voices. Oh, that would be me.

I was talking on the phone with Sergeant Burke.

He was supposed to ask you to join me here and he forgot.

But I'm glad you came anyway. Um, why did you come here, ma'am?

Certainly not to be frightened out of my wits, Lieutenant.

Sergeant Burke called and said you'd found Lisa in one of my files.

I came to see for myself. (LAUGHS)

There he goes again, ma'am.

Sergeant Burke, he's a very fine young detective,

but we all make mistakes from time to time. What I asked him to tell you,

it was AS IF she had been in your own files all the time.

No, no, I certainly couldn't find her here, Doctor,

not even in odd sexual events.

How did you find her? Oh, for that, ma'am, we have to go to the therapy room.

To the therapy room.

This Lisa, this lady in black,

I've been getting some very strange messages from her. Messages?

She's sorry she did what she did, she had to do what she did

and now she's leaving town. But she hasn't left town yet.

And I think she's been trying to fool us about a lot of things.

For instance, this ashtray.

Would you look at this ashtray?

To a detective

this is a fascinating ashtray.

I mean, what's in it.

That's exactly what we found the morning after the murder.

I put everything back just the way it was.

She was a smoke, ma'am, the bartender said she was a smoker.

And you see that? You see that burned match?

Yes, I can see the match. And a cigarette stub and only a few ashes?

Do you see how puzzling that is?

No, I see a burnt match and half a cigarette.

And a few ashes. But not enough to account for a whole cigarette, ma'am.

A whole cigarette ma'am,

that produces this amount of ash.

You know what that weighs? I weighed that, ma'am.

That's 500 milligrams.

And the ashes in the tray, that's 48 milligrams.

Alright, make it 50,

we're still missing 450 milligrams.

That's very scientific, but she might have smoked the cigarette some place else.

But the match, ma'am, like she lit and smoked it right here in this room.

And there's no ashes on the table

and there's no ashes under the table.

And there's not enough ashes in the ashtray.

You'll forgive me if I'm not quite as fascinated as you are.

Well, even ashes, they don't just fly away and vanish.

The hair and fibre boys, I had them vacuum this whole room.

No cigarette ashes.

And what do you detect from the infamous missing ashes?

Oh, yes, you said that Lisa was trying to fool us.

Like she was setting the scene, yes.

Like this whole room,

like it was some kind of a stage,

making us thing she was something she isn't.

Is that s possibility?

You still haven't told me how you found her.

I've only received messages from her, I haven't seen her yet.

With your permission, Doctor.

And now we have to consider the victim's keys.

His missing keys. No matter how you look at it,

it always comes out the same.

If Mr Kincaid didn't have the key to open the door,

then the lady in black, she must've been the one with the key.

So now we have to face that as a fact.

And I know you're thinking the same thing I am.

Lisa, she had to be someone connected with your own clinic.

That's totally ludicrous, unless Lisa could've been the cleaning lady.

Do you think that's a possibility?

I doubt it, ma'am. (PHONE RINGS)

Is that your phone? That could be important.

I'll see.

Ma'am? The lady in black,

she might be coming here tonight. Did I tell you that?

No.

The phone, that may be her.

Hello? Dr Allenby? Yes. This is Sergeant Burke.

Could I talk to the lieutenant?

It's Sergeant Burke.

Yes, Sergeant. Right.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Well, they think she's somewhere in the building.

Doctor, are you familiar with a Chicago department store named Nufield's?

Yes, why do you ask?

Because I know that's where you bought that camel's hair coat you're wearing.

If you knew that, why did you ask if I was familiar with the store?

To see if you'd tell me the truth, ma'am.

Are you aware, Lieutenant, how insulting that is?

I am and I regret having to say it.

But now we both have to consider this.

Would you take a look at that?

I'd say that's the tag off your new coat,

the one you bought in Chicago. That first day riding up in the elevator,

I thought you looked very nice.

And that tag, that was dangling from the hem of your coat.

I wasn't aware of the tag. No, ma'am, and I thought that was very endearing.

The department store people, they told me you charged that coat to your credit card.

I did. Is that significant?

Well, it brings us to another question, ma'am.

Would you grant me that sometimes a person would prefer to pay cash

rather than charge something and have a written record of this purchase.

Would you grant me that, ma'am?

I suppose that, er,

there could be reasons.

That's a fax copy of the cheque you gave in your Chicago hotel.

$1,500 payable to cash.

You seem to be very attentive to my affairs.

What did you do with the money, ma'am?

I've had about enough of your questions, Lieutenant.

How I spend my money is none of your business.

I'll leave you to find the woman in black. You seem to have lost her.

(GASPS) Oh!

(BELL PINGS)

Was that the elevator, ma'am?

Not yet.

If you don't mind, one more thing before you go.

The therapy room.

I think she may already be here, ma'am, in there.

Do you think she's already been here?

Or maybe you saw her yourself.

Or somebody very much like her out in the foyer?

One of our policewomen, ma'am,

only you didn't say a word about that to me

because you knew Lisa, she couldn't be out there

because she's been here with me all along.

Would you agree with me about that, Dr Allenby?

You seem to have gone to a great deal of trouble, Lieutenant.

I think I can say the same thing about you, ma'am.

That's her hat, bought with cash

and her wig. The wig saleslady from the Chicago store,

she said you already had the hat when you tried on the wig.

Did I mention she recognised your photo from the picture we sent her from your book?

No. No, that must've slipped your mind.

The saleslady in women's suits,

she only sold two black suits that day

and only one in the size of the lady who bought the wig.

They sent us all these things, Doctor,

like the things you hid in the music centre

to play your courtesan game with Mr Kincaid.

Was that because of Cindy Galt, ma'am?

(SIGHS)

You're very intuitive, Lieutenant.

You would've made a splendid therapist.

There's a lovely fire here, ma'am.

Why don't we share the fire?

I think the night you came back from the airport

you found Mr Kincaid right here in this room

making love to Cindy Galt.

Is that why you killed him?

That night,...

the two of them in bed together, I heard him laughing at me.

I was his joke.

That must've been very hard, ma'am.

There isn't a woman in the world, Lieutenant,

who wouldn't have fantasised, in my circumstances,

about doing what I did.

Make him pay...

for the anguish and the humiliation...

and all the loneliness to come.

But I went beyond the fantasy.

And I wasn't even frightened.

You wanna hear what DID frighten me?

If you'd like to tell me, ma'am.

Becoming somebody else.

Becoming Lisa.

After all my research, all my books,...

I hadn't truly understood what it was to sink into a fantasy,

being someone stronger.

More desirable, more wilful and exciting.

Someone that David would never have dared betray.

For those few days,

I liked Lisa better than I liked myself.

That frightened me

far more that your waiting to arrest me.

Now that I've confessed all this, I wanna know.

Do you think less of me?

I'm only a policeman.

Judging people, that's all up to somebody else.

But I can tell you I've enjoyed our talks very much

and I think I do understand.

Ma'am?

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